Re: sensitive to rejection...

December 26, 2010

Maybe the emotional rollercoaster is something we picked up from our nada/fada.

I had to break out of it after a spell of deep depression, where I turned a

complete 180 about my perspective on life. That was the only way I stopped

caring about what ppl thought of me. I was obsessed, and I was following in the

footsteps of nada. I think you are doing a good job of analyzing your emotions

and being sensitive to your surroundings. You will train yourself to be happier

very soon, I believe it.

>

> When, I get closer to recovery, I get minor setbacks. Like taking a few steps

back and then having to then take a few baby steps forward.

>

> Like, today, I realized for the past few weeks I've been overly concerned with

how people perceive me. Very concerned. I didn't feel that way in a long time.

Not to that extent. I almost felt like everyone was irritated with me one day

and it actually made me feel depressed for a couple of days!

>

> I felt better today. I started to not care as much. Which is good.

>

> Joy

>

December 26, 2010

Maybe the emotional rollercoaster is something we picked up from our nada/fada.

I had to break out of it after a spell of deep depression, where I turned a

complete 180 about my perspective on life. That was the only way I stopped

caring about what ppl thought of me. I was obsessed, and I was following in the

footsteps of nada. I think you are doing a good job of analyzing your emotions

and being sensitive to your surroundings. You will train yourself to be happier

very soon, I believe it.

>

> When, I get closer to recovery, I get minor setbacks. Like taking a few steps

back and then having to then take a few baby steps forward.

>

> Like, today, I realized for the past few weeks I've been overly concerned with

how people perceive me. Very concerned. I didn't feel that way in a long time.

Not to that extent. I almost felt like everyone was irritated with me one day

and it actually made me feel depressed for a couple of days!

>

> I felt better today. I started to not care as much. Which is good.

>

> Joy

>

December 26, 2010

Maybe the emotional rollercoaster is something we picked up from our nada/fada.

I had to break out of it after a spell of deep depression, where I turned a

complete 180 about my perspective on life. That was the only way I stopped

caring about what ppl thought of me. I was obsessed, and I was following in the

footsteps of nada. I think you are doing a good job of analyzing your emotions

and being sensitive to your surroundings. You will train yourself to be happier

very soon, I believe it.

>

> When, I get closer to recovery, I get minor setbacks. Like taking a few steps

back and then having to then take a few baby steps forward.

>

> Like, today, I realized for the past few weeks I've been overly concerned with

how people perceive me. Very concerned. I didn't feel that way in a long time.

Not to that extent. I almost felt like everyone was irritated with me one day

and it actually made me feel depressed for a couple of days!

>

> I felt better today. I started to not care as much. Which is good.

>

> Joy

>

December 28, 2010

Oh you just read me my brain-script! I have really pondered this for a long

time. I drew the conclusion that I feel this way for 2 reasons:

1. Nada always was annoyed with me-and thru many years of destructive

" parenting " she gave me the impression that there was NOTHING about me that

anyone would value. I have spent many years trying to be good enough to be

worthy of the air I breathe.

2. The other reason is nada has never hid her disgust of me. Daily she would get

on the phone and freely tell tall bpd tales of how horrible a person I am and

all the (percieved) offenses I have committed against her. Much of them were

total fabrications full of abusive " direct quotes " that I allegedly hurled at

her. I have spent 36 years trying to do damage control on my rep to my family,

neighbors, friends, etc.

>

> When, I get closer to recovery, I get minor setbacks. Like taking a few steps

back and then having to then take a few baby steps forward.

>

> Like, today, I realized for the past few weeks I've been overly concerned with

how people perceive me. Very concerned. I didn't feel that way in a long time.

Not to that extent. I almost felt like everyone was irritated with me one day

and it actually made me feel depressed for a couple of days!

>

> I felt better today. I started to not care as much. Which is good.

>

> Joy

>

December 28, 2010

Joy, I have noticed myself doing the same thing recently.

I've attributed it to holiday triggers.

I also thing Gibberish is right that it's part of the emotional rollercoaster we

were raised with.

I was just saying to my therapist last week that I feel like I've been falling

back into my people pleasing ways (not saying what I really mean, saying what i

think others want to hear, laughing when i don't really think it's funny, etc).

She said, as we know, recovery is a step forward, 2 back, at times.

Sigh.

>

> When, I get closer to recovery, I get minor setbacks. Like taking a few steps

back and then having to then take a few baby steps forward.

>

> Like, today, I realized for the past few weeks I've been overly concerned with

how people perceive me. Very concerned. I didn't feel that way in a long time.

Not to that extent. I almost felt like everyone was irritated with me one day

and it actually made me feel depressed for a couple of days!

>

> I felt better today. I started to not care as much. Which is good.

>

> Joy

>

December 28, 2010

Same here, Joy! One day at work (okay, a few days in a row) I felt like I

did nothing except keep screwing things up and that I was being a bother to

my coworkers and boss--had to go to the restroom a couple of times to take

deep breaths and calm down, and think about things, and remind myself that

I'm sensitive to anything perceived as rejection. Thankfully, it was the day

before the Christmas holidays, so I had a 3 day weekend to rest up and

relax, and that helped me be more myself on Monday at work.

Still, I don't like it when I'm like this at work. I want to work well, and

when I'm depressed and anxious, that doesn't help

Holly

On Tue, Dec 28, 2010 at 6:32 AM, my4fireflies wrote:

>

> Oh you just read me my brain-script! I have really pondered this for a long

> time. I drew the conclusion that I feel this way for 2 reasons:

> 1. Nada always was annoyed with me-and thru many years of destructive

> " parenting " she gave me the impression that there was NOTHING about me that

> anyone would value. I have spent many years trying to be good enough to be

> worthy of the air I breathe.

> 2. The other reason is nada has never hid her disgust of me. Daily she

> would get on the phone and freely tell tall bpd tales of how horrible a

> person I am and all the (percieved) offenses I have committed against her.

> Much of them were total fabrications full of abusive " direct quotes " that I

> allegedly hurled at her. I have spent 36 years trying to do damage control

> on my rep to my family, neighbors, friends, etc.

>

> >

> > When, I get closer to recovery, I get minor setbacks. Like taking a few

> steps back and then having to then take a few baby steps forward.

> >

> > Like, today, I realized for the past few weeks I've been overly concerned

> with how people perceive me. Very concerned. I didn't feel that way in a

> long time. Not to that extent. I almost felt like everyone was irritated

> with me one day and it actually made me feel depressed for a couple of days!

> >

> > I felt better today. I started to not care as much. Which is good.

> >

> > Joy

> >

>

December 28, 2010

Same here, Joy! One day at work (okay, a few days in a row) I felt like I

did nothing except keep screwing things up and that I was being a bother to

my coworkers and boss--had to go to the restroom a couple of times to take

deep breaths and calm down, and think about things, and remind myself that

I'm sensitive to anything perceived as rejection. Thankfully, it was the day

before the Christmas holidays, so I had a 3 day weekend to rest up and

relax, and that helped me be more myself on Monday at work.

Still, I don't like it when I'm like this at work. I want to work well, and

when I'm depressed and anxious, that doesn't help

Holly

On Tue, Dec 28, 2010 at 6:32 AM, my4fireflies wrote:

>

> Oh you just read me my brain-script! I have really pondered this for a long

> time. I drew the conclusion that I feel this way for 2 reasons:

> 1. Nada always was annoyed with me-and thru many years of destructive

> " parenting " she gave me the impression that there was NOTHING about me that

> anyone would value. I have spent many years trying to be good enough to be

> worthy of the air I breathe.

> 2. The other reason is nada has never hid her disgust of me. Daily she

> would get on the phone and freely tell tall bpd tales of how horrible a

> person I am and all the (percieved) offenses I have committed against her.

> Much of them were total fabrications full of abusive " direct quotes " that I

> allegedly hurled at her. I have spent 36 years trying to do damage control

> on my rep to my family, neighbors, friends, etc.

>

> >

> > When, I get closer to recovery, I get minor setbacks. Like taking a few

> steps back and then having to then take a few baby steps forward.

> >

> > Like, today, I realized for the past few weeks I've been overly concerned

> with how people perceive me. Very concerned. I didn't feel that way in a

> long time. Not to that extent. I almost felt like everyone was irritated

> with me one day and it actually made me feel depressed for a couple of days!

> >

> > I felt better today. I started to not care as much. Which is good.

> >

> > Joy

> >

>

December 28, 2010

Same here, Joy! One day at work (okay, a few days in a row) I felt like I

did nothing except keep screwing things up and that I was being a bother to

my coworkers and boss--had to go to the restroom a couple of times to take

deep breaths and calm down, and think about things, and remind myself that

I'm sensitive to anything perceived as rejection. Thankfully, it was the day

before the Christmas holidays, so I had a 3 day weekend to rest up and

relax, and that helped me be more myself on Monday at work.

Still, I don't like it when I'm like this at work. I want to work well, and

when I'm depressed and anxious, that doesn't help

Holly

On Tue, Dec 28, 2010 at 6:32 AM, my4fireflies wrote:

>

> Oh you just read me my brain-script! I have really pondered this for a long

> time. I drew the conclusion that I feel this way for 2 reasons:

> 1. Nada always was annoyed with me-and thru many years of destructive

> " parenting " she gave me the impression that there was NOTHING about me that

> anyone would value. I have spent many years trying to be good enough to be

> worthy of the air I breathe.

> 2. The other reason is nada has never hid her disgust of me. Daily she

> would get on the phone and freely tell tall bpd tales of how horrible a

> person I am and all the (percieved) offenses I have committed against her.

> Much of them were total fabrications full of abusive " direct quotes " that I

> allegedly hurled at her. I have spent 36 years trying to do damage control

> on my rep to my family, neighbors, friends, etc.

>

> >

> > When, I get closer to recovery, I get minor setbacks. Like taking a few

> steps back and then having to then take a few baby steps forward.

> >

> > Like, today, I realized for the past few weeks I've been overly concerned

> with how people perceive me. Very concerned. I didn't feel that way in a

> long time. Not to that extent. I almost felt like everyone was irritated

> with me one day and it actually made me feel depressed for a couple of days!

> >

> > I felt better today. I started to not care as much. Which is good.

> >

> > Joy

> >

>

December 28, 2010

It sounds as if both of you are living my life right here in the group. Its

comforting to know others understand so well. You have taken words out of my

mouth here... as I see happening in many posts I have read in this group. I

only wish I could have had all of you years ago when I felt so alone in the

world.

I'm glad to know now that I have a new family, a safe place to feel loved,

wanted, and respected just for being me.

> >

> > When, I get closer to recovery, I get minor setbacks. Like taking a few

steps back and then having to then take a few baby steps forward.

> >

> > Like, today, I realized for the past few weeks I've been overly concerned

with how people perceive me. Very concerned. I didn't feel that way in a long

time. Not to that extent. I almost felt like everyone was irritated with me one

day and it actually made me feel depressed for a couple of days!

> >

> > I felt better today. I started to not care as much. Which is good.

> >

> > Joy

> >

>

December 28, 2010

Fiona, yes...this is irritating. the back and forth motion of recovery it seems.

Today I was bolder and said what I meant and felt and meant it. so weird. joy

> >

> > When, I get closer to recovery, I get minor setbacks. Like taking a few

steps back and then having to then take a few baby steps forward.

> >

> > Like, today, I realized for the past few weeks I've been overly concerned

with how people perceive me. Very concerned. I didn't feel that way in a long

time. Not to that extent. I almost felt like everyone was irritated with me one

day and it actually made me feel depressed for a couple of days!

> >

> > I felt better today. I started to not care as much. Which is good.

> >

> > Joy

> >

>

December 29, 2010

I struggle with this.

I'm going to be changing my career path and I really worry about doing this.

Unfortunatly if I am looking for acceptance, I will not get it with this

program, its a cut throat program and any sign of weakness will get you thrown

out of the program.

While I think I will be able to do it, I've been self employed for years now. I

haven't had any co-workers or supervisors in almost 10 years.

I'm scared of falling into that fear of rejection trap, being caught up in how

people perceive me.

I honestly think that as women we have it twice as hard. If we are assertive and

go after what we want, we're bitches. Then, add the baggage from our parents and

it just compounds the problem.

>

> When, I get closer to recovery, I get minor setbacks. Like taking a few steps

back and then having to then take a few baby steps forward.

>

> Like, today, I realized for the past few weeks I've been overly concerned with

how people perceive me. Very concerned. I didn't feel that way in a long time.

Not to that extent. I almost felt like everyone was irritated with me one day

and it actually made me feel depressed for a couple of days!

>

> I felt better today. I started to not care as much. Which is good.

>

> Joy

>

December 29, 2010

I don't know about anyone else in this group, but I have always prided myself on

being " the bitch " . ;-) When someone calls me that I thank them, tell them I

work hard to keep my reputation in tact and am glad to know its working. I have

learned to embrace being " different " and often describe myself as " unique...

just the way God made me! "

As I mentioned in another post I just replied to, the acceptance first has to

come from within. We, as children of BPD parents have little to no self worth,

self esteem... its as if we were born without ego... that is the BPD and how it

has shaped our lives. Instead of seeking the acceptance of other people, first

you must accept yourself, love yourself. I'm not saying its an easy road, but

it makes everything else much easier once we grasp it.

As for fear.. it can be a huge motivation in our lives. It took me until I was

in my 30's to learn how to use fear of change, fear of what lies ahead as a

motivation to bring needed change instead of cause to run and hide. I woke up

one day and began to wonder what was worse, fear of something new and safe or

fear of not waking up the next morning because the abuse had escalated to that

point. I chose to move ahead to escape the abuse, I let the fear of being

around to care for and love my children push me into the unknown... my end

result, I built a wonderful new career for myself in a place and a way I had

never imagined possible before it actually happened.

Embrace it one day at a time, thats how I got through it. When I was afraid I

forced myself to go back and focus on all of the new open doors in front of me,

reminding myself that if I walked through one and didn't like what it held,

there was a world full of others to choose from instead.

You have to keep faith in yourself... and we're here to help you do just that!

:-)

> >

> > When, I get closer to recovery, I get minor setbacks. Like taking a few

steps back and then having to then take a few baby steps forward.

> >

> > Like, today, I realized for the past few weeks I've been overly concerned

with how people perceive me. Very concerned. I didn't feel that way in a long

time. Not to that extent. I almost felt like everyone was irritated with me one

day and it actually made me feel depressed for a couple of days!

> >

> > I felt better today. I started to not care as much. Which is good.

> >

> > Joy

> >

>

December 29, 2010