The ambush my parents did to me today

[Guest guest]

Hi,

I'm NC with my mother for a bit more than a year and with my father for about a

year and a half. Today I had a birthday.

I was walking back from work to my apartment, and suddenly I saw my mother

coming to me with balloons. I saw my father at the car 50 meters away.

Now, I know all the books and everybody write that at such a situation just to

walk away.

But, sorry, I just couldn't do that (I know, I know it's wrong, but that's where

I am now!!!)

Anyway my mother came to me and kissed me and told me happy birthday, and then

my father joined from the car.

And they spoke about different things.

They said my younger brother has a serious girl friend and they were hinting

maybe he'll get engaged with her (AKA - that I should come back home to be with

all of that. No one from my siblings got married yet).

Then they spoke about why I'm not coming back to the house etc. etc. they asked

me if I think people can't change etc.

Anyway, that was quite horrifying. I guess they " forgot " the daily fights they

have between them mornings and nights that I have to witness, the way my father

behaves with other people and everything else.

Anyway, I did the mistake of telling them that I'll write to them an email at

Sat. saying what I'm deciding about being in contact (I think I'll simply write

that I need more time to think about it..... That'll give me some space...).

That's all.

Insights appreciated.

Jack

[Guest guest]

Oh geez, that is one of my worst nightmares. It's like a dog and pony show.

I like how they did it out in the lot where all your neighbors can see. For

me, I'd give them my answer by saying nothing.I don't know why we have to

give someone we don't want to talk to a timeline, list of expectations or

any thing at all. It seems to me that saying nothing says it all.

By the way,I don't blame you for not walking away - you don't want to create

a scene outside in your yard. And they set you up to look like an ass if you

did walk away - picture an older woman chasing a younger person down the

street with balloons!

>

>

> Hi,

>

> I'm NC with my mother for a bit more than a year and with my father for

> about a year and a half. Today I had a birthday.

> I was walking back from work to my apartment, and suddenly I saw my mother

> coming to me with balloons. I saw my father at the car 50 meters away.

>

> Now, I know all the books and everybody write that at such a situation just

> to walk away.

> But, sorry, I just couldn't do that (I know, I know it's wrong, but that's

> where I am now!!!)

> Anyway my mother came to me and kissed me and told me happy birthday, and

> then my father joined from the car.

> And they spoke about different things.

> They said my younger brother has a serious girl friend and they were

> hinting maybe he'll get engaged with her (AKA - that I should come back home

> to be with all of that. No one from my siblings got married yet).

> Then they spoke about why I'm not coming back to the house etc. etc. they

> asked me if I think people can't change etc.

>

> Anyway, that was quite horrifying. I guess they " forgot " the daily fights

> they have between them mornings and nights that I have to witness, the way

> my father behaves with other people and everything else.

>

> Anyway, I did the mistake of telling them that I'll write to them an email

> at Sat. saying what I'm deciding about being in contact (I think I'll simply

> write that I need more time to think about it..... That'll give me some

> space...).

>

> That's all.

> Insights appreciated.

> Jack

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh geez, that is one of my worst nightmares. It's like a dog and pony show.

I like how they did it out in the lot where all your neighbors can see. For

me, I'd give them my answer by saying nothing.I don't know why we have to

give someone we don't want to talk to a timeline, list of expectations or

any thing at all. It seems to me that saying nothing says it all.

By the way,I don't blame you for not walking away - you don't want to create

a scene outside in your yard. And they set you up to look like an ass if you

did walk away - picture an older woman chasing a younger person down the

street with balloons!

>

>

> Hi,

>

> I'm NC with my mother for a bit more than a year and with my father for

> about a year and a half. Today I had a birthday.

> I was walking back from work to my apartment, and suddenly I saw my mother

> coming to me with balloons. I saw my father at the car 50 meters away.

>

> Now, I know all the books and everybody write that at such a situation just

> to walk away.

> But, sorry, I just couldn't do that (I know, I know it's wrong, but that's

> where I am now!!!)

> Anyway my mother came to me and kissed me and told me happy birthday, and

> then my father joined from the car.

> And they spoke about different things.

> They said my younger brother has a serious girl friend and they were

> hinting maybe he'll get engaged with her (AKA - that I should come back home

> to be with all of that. No one from my siblings got married yet).

> Then they spoke about why I'm not coming back to the house etc. etc. they

> asked me if I think people can't change etc.

>

> Anyway, that was quite horrifying. I guess they " forgot " the daily fights

> they have between them mornings and nights that I have to witness, the way

> my father behaves with other people and everything else.

>

> Anyway, I did the mistake of telling them that I'll write to them an email

> at Sat. saying what I'm deciding about being in contact (I think I'll simply

> write that I need more time to think about it..... That'll give me some

> space...).

>

> That's all.

> Insights appreciated.

> Jack

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh geez, that is one of my worst nightmares. It's like a dog and pony show.

I like how they did it out in the lot where all your neighbors can see. For

me, I'd give them my answer by saying nothing.I don't know why we have to

give someone we don't want to talk to a timeline, list of expectations or

any thing at all. It seems to me that saying nothing says it all.

By the way,I don't blame you for not walking away - you don't want to create

a scene outside in your yard. And they set you up to look like an ass if you

did walk away - picture an older woman chasing a younger person down the

street with balloons!

>

>

> Hi,

>

> I'm NC with my mother for a bit more than a year and with my father for

> about a year and a half. Today I had a birthday.

> I was walking back from work to my apartment, and suddenly I saw my mother

> coming to me with balloons. I saw my father at the car 50 meters away.

>

> Now, I know all the books and everybody write that at such a situation just

> to walk away.

> But, sorry, I just couldn't do that (I know, I know it's wrong, but that's

> where I am now!!!)

> Anyway my mother came to me and kissed me and told me happy birthday, and

> then my father joined from the car.

> And they spoke about different things.

> They said my younger brother has a serious girl friend and they were

> hinting maybe he'll get engaged with her (AKA - that I should come back home

> to be with all of that. No one from my siblings got married yet).

> Then they spoke about why I'm not coming back to the house etc. etc. they

> asked me if I think people can't change etc.

>

> Anyway, that was quite horrifying. I guess they " forgot " the daily fights

> they have between them mornings and nights that I have to witness, the way

> my father behaves with other people and everything else.

>

> Anyway, I did the mistake of telling them that I'll write to them an email

> at Sat. saying what I'm deciding about being in contact (I think I'll simply

> write that I need more time to think about it..... That'll give me some

> space...).

>

> That's all.

> Insights appreciated.

> Jack

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

(((((Jack))))) I'm so sorry you got ambushed. I agree, its one thing to

maintain boundaries when the attempted contact is indirect (e-mail, snail mail,

phone) but when the pd parents show up in person, violating your boundary in

person, its a different ballgame.

It seems to be a pretty common personality-disordered behavior for the pd

parents to behave abominably and then pretend that magically their abusive

behaviors or words didn't happen, or if they did and you are shocked and

outraged by it, then " you're too sensitive. "

Even at this post-ambush point in time, you still have both the power *AND the

right* to decide what you are comfortable with RE having a relationship with

your pd parents or not having a relationship with them. This is about you, not

them.

My key point is:

Just because they ambushed you and you didn't stop them or walk away does NOT

mean that you have now forfeited your right to remain No Contact.

You were merely being polite, and I'm guessing that you probably also felt

somewhat intimidated. Suddenly seeing your parents unexpectedly in person

probably propelled you instantly into relating to them as a child.

That concept is very, very difficult for those of us who were abused as children

to grasp: that we are now equal to our parents in power. Trauma bonding is a

very powerful mind control technique.

We are used to deferring to our parents and treating them with respect and

politeness; we were trained to defer to them, but just because nada and fada

want contact or demand contact doesn't mean we are obliged to give it to them

if it hurts us to do so. It does not make you a bad person, it is not wrong, it

is not shameful to protect yourself from abusers even if the people abusing you

are your parents.

Its OK to handle this any way that feels comfortable and safe to you. You can

simply never write them back. You can write them later, when you feel more calm

and centered. You can resume low contact with boundaries, or you can send them

a cease and desist any contact attempts letter.

Whatever feels workable *for you* in this situation is OK.

-Annie

>

> Hi,

>

> I'm NC with my mother for a bit more than a year and with my father for about

a year and a half. Today I had a birthday.

> I was walking back from work to my apartment, and suddenly I saw my mother

coming to me with balloons. I saw my father at the car 50 meters away.

>

> Now, I know all the books and everybody write that at such a situation just to

walk away.

> But, sorry, I just couldn't do that (I know, I know it's wrong, but that's

where I am now!!!)

> Anyway my mother came to me and kissed me and told me happy birthday, and then

my father joined from the car.

> And they spoke about different things.

> They said my younger brother has a serious girl friend and they were hinting

maybe he'll get engaged with her (AKA - that I should come back home to be with

all of that. No one from my siblings got married yet).

> Then they spoke about why I'm not coming back to the house etc. etc. they

asked me if I think people can't change etc.

>

> Anyway, that was quite horrifying. I guess they " forgot " the daily fights they

have between them mornings and nights that I have to witness, the way my father

behaves with other people and everything else.

>

> Anyway, I did the mistake of telling them that I'll write to them an email at

Sat. saying what I'm deciding about being in contact (I think I'll simply write

that I need more time to think about it..... That'll give me some space...).

>

> That's all.

> Insights appreciated.

> Jack

>

[Guest guest]

(((((Jack))))) I'm so sorry you got ambushed. I agree, its one thing to

maintain boundaries when the attempted contact is indirect (e-mail, snail mail,

phone) but when the pd parents show up in person, violating your boundary in

person, its a different ballgame.

It seems to be a pretty common personality-disordered behavior for the pd

parents to behave abominably and then pretend that magically their abusive

behaviors or words didn't happen, or if they did and you are shocked and

outraged by it, then " you're too sensitive. "

Even at this post-ambush point in time, you still have both the power *AND the

right* to decide what you are comfortable with RE having a relationship with

your pd parents or not having a relationship with them. This is about you, not

them.

My key point is:

Just because they ambushed you and you didn't stop them or walk away does NOT

mean that you have now forfeited your right to remain No Contact.

You were merely being polite, and I'm guessing that you probably also felt

somewhat intimidated. Suddenly seeing your parents unexpectedly in person

probably propelled you instantly into relating to them as a child.

That concept is very, very difficult for those of us who were abused as children

to grasp: that we are now equal to our parents in power. Trauma bonding is a

very powerful mind control technique.

We are used to deferring to our parents and treating them with respect and

politeness; we were trained to defer to them, but just because nada and fada

want contact or demand contact doesn't mean we are obliged to give it to them

if it hurts us to do so. It does not make you a bad person, it is not wrong, it

is not shameful to protect yourself from abusers even if the people abusing you

are your parents.

Its OK to handle this any way that feels comfortable and safe to you. You can

simply never write them back. You can write them later, when you feel more calm

and centered. You can resume low contact with boundaries, or you can send them

a cease and desist any contact attempts letter.

Whatever feels workable *for you* in this situation is OK.

-Annie

>

> Hi,

>

> I'm NC with my mother for a bit more than a year and with my father for about

a year and a half. Today I had a birthday.

> I was walking back from work to my apartment, and suddenly I saw my mother

coming to me with balloons. I saw my father at the car 50 meters away.

>

> Now, I know all the books and everybody write that at such a situation just to

walk away.

> But, sorry, I just couldn't do that (I know, I know it's wrong, but that's

where I am now!!!)

> Anyway my mother came to me and kissed me and told me happy birthday, and then

my father joined from the car.

> And they spoke about different things.

> They said my younger brother has a serious girl friend and they were hinting

maybe he'll get engaged with her (AKA - that I should come back home to be with

all of that. No one from my siblings got married yet).

> Then they spoke about why I'm not coming back to the house etc. etc. they

asked me if I think people can't change etc.

>

> Anyway, that was quite horrifying. I guess they " forgot " the daily fights they

have between them mornings and nights that I have to witness, the way my father

behaves with other people and everything else.

>

> Anyway, I did the mistake of telling them that I'll write to them an email at

Sat. saying what I'm deciding about being in contact (I think I'll simply write

that I need more time to think about it..... That'll give me some space...).

>

> That's all.

> Insights appreciated.

> Jack

>

[Guest guest]

Hi,

Thank you very much for your replies!!!

Jack

>

> >

> >

> > Hi,

> >

> > I'm NC with my mother for a bit more than a year and with my father for

> > about a year and a half. Today I had a birthday.

> > I was walking back from work to my apartment, and suddenly I saw my mother

> > coming to me with balloons. I saw my father at the car 50 meters away.

> >

> > Now, I know all the books and everybody write that at such a situation just

> > to walk away.

> > But, sorry, I just couldn't do that (I know, I know it's wrong, but that's

> > where I am now!!!)

> > Anyway my mother came to me and kissed me and told me happy birthday, and

> > then my father joined from the car.

> > And they spoke about different things.

> > They said my younger brother has a serious girl friend and they were

> > hinting maybe he'll get engaged with her (AKA - that I should come back home

> > to be with all of that. No one from my siblings got married yet).

> > Then they spoke about why I'm not coming back to the house etc. etc. they

> > asked me if I think people can't change etc.

> >

> > Anyway, that was quite horrifying. I guess they " forgot " the daily fights

> > they have between them mornings and nights that I have to witness, the way

> > my father behaves with other people and everything else.

> >

> > Anyway, I did the mistake of telling them that I'll write to them an email

> > at Sat. saying what I'm deciding about being in contact (I think I'll simply

> > write that I need more time to think about it..... That'll give me some

> > space...).

> >

> > That's all.

> > Insights appreciated.

> > Jack

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Wow Jack, that's awful. I think you just described my worst nightmare...

except it would probably be a baseball bat in her hands instead of balloons!

I've been NC with my nada for a little over a year & a half now. I still

fear she'll just show up. She's done it before when I've asked her to keep

her distance. I wouldn't be surprised if she knows exactly where I live.

Uuuugh.

Sorry you had to go through that. I wish you lots of luck.

Mia

>

>

> Hi,

>

> I'm NC with my mother for a bit more than a year and with my father for

> about a year and a half. Today I had a birthday.

> I was walking back from work to my apartment, and suddenly I saw my mother

> coming to me with balloons. I saw my father at the car 50 meters away.

>

> Now, I know all the books and everybody write that at such a situation just

> to walk away.

> But, sorry, I just couldn't do that (I know, I know it's wrong, but that's

> where I am now!!!)

> Anyway my mother came to me and kissed me and told me happy birthday, and

> then my father joined from the car.

> And they spoke about different things.

> They said my younger brother has a serious girl friend and they were

> hinting maybe he'll get engaged with her (AKA - that I should come back home

> to be with all of that. No one from my siblings got married yet).

> Then they spoke about why I'm not coming back to the house etc. etc. they

> asked me if I think people can't change etc.

>

> Anyway, that was quite horrifying. I guess they " forgot " the daily fights

> they have between them mornings and nights that I have to witness, the way

> my father behaves with other people and everything else.

>

> Anyway, I did the mistake of telling them that I'll write to them an email

> at Sat. saying what I'm deciding about being in contact (I think I'll simply

> write that I need more time to think about it..... That'll give me some

> space...).

>

> That's all.

> Insights appreciated.

> Jack

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Wow Jack, that's awful. I think you just described my worst nightmare...

except it would probably be a baseball bat in her hands instead of balloons!

I've been NC with my nada for a little over a year & a half now. I still

fear she'll just show up. She's done it before when I've asked her to keep

her distance. I wouldn't be surprised if she knows exactly where I live.

Uuuugh.

Sorry you had to go through that. I wish you lots of luck.

Mia

>

>

> Hi,

>

> I'm NC with my mother for a bit more than a year and with my father for

> about a year and a half. Today I had a birthday.

> I was walking back from work to my apartment, and suddenly I saw my mother

> coming to me with balloons. I saw my father at the car 50 meters away.

>

> Now, I know all the books and everybody write that at such a situation just

> to walk away.

> But, sorry, I just couldn't do that (I know, I know it's wrong, but that's

> where I am now!!!)

> Anyway my mother came to me and kissed me and told me happy birthday, and

> then my father joined from the car.

> And they spoke about different things.

> They said my younger brother has a serious girl friend and they were

> hinting maybe he'll get engaged with her (AKA - that I should come back home

> to be with all of that. No one from my siblings got married yet).

> Then they spoke about why I'm not coming back to the house etc. etc. they

> asked me if I think people can't change etc.

>

> Anyway, that was quite horrifying. I guess they " forgot " the daily fights

> they have between them mornings and nights that I have to witness, the way

> my father behaves with other people and everything else.

>

> Anyway, I did the mistake of telling them that I'll write to them an email

> at Sat. saying what I'm deciding about being in contact (I think I'll simply

> write that I need more time to think about it..... That'll give me some

> space...).

>

> That's all.

> Insights appreciated.

> Jack

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Wow Jack, that's awful. I think you just described my worst nightmare...

except it would probably be a baseball bat in her hands instead of balloons!

I've been NC with my nada for a little over a year & a half now. I still

fear she'll just show up. She's done it before when I've asked her to keep

her distance. I wouldn't be surprised if she knows exactly where I live.

Uuuugh.

Sorry you had to go through that. I wish you lots of luck.

Mia

>

>

> Hi,

>

> I'm NC with my mother for a bit more than a year and with my father for

> about a year and a half. Today I had a birthday.

> I was walking back from work to my apartment, and suddenly I saw my mother

> coming to me with balloons. I saw my father at the car 50 meters away.

>

> Now, I know all the books and everybody write that at such a situation just

> to walk away.

> But, sorry, I just couldn't do that (I know, I know it's wrong, but that's

> where I am now!!!)

> Anyway my mother came to me and kissed me and told me happy birthday, and

> then my father joined from the car.

> And they spoke about different things.

> They said my younger brother has a serious girl friend and they were

> hinting maybe he'll get engaged with her (AKA - that I should come back home

> to be with all of that. No one from my siblings got married yet).

> Then they spoke about why I'm not coming back to the house etc. etc. they

> asked me if I think people can't change etc.

>

> Anyway, that was quite horrifying. I guess they " forgot " the daily fights

> they have between them mornings and nights that I have to witness, the way

> my father behaves with other people and everything else.

>

> Anyway, I did the mistake of telling them that I'll write to them an email

> at Sat. saying what I'm deciding about being in contact (I think I'll simply

> write that I need more time to think about it..... That'll give me some

> space...).

>

> That's all.

> Insights appreciated.

> Jack

>

>

>