Re: Nada coming with cancer →　Nightmare after X'mas

[Guest guest]

It certainly sounds stressful at your house!

I am thinking it might be helpful for you to re-examine what your personal

limits are. Randi Kreger did an excellent workshop at another site, if you are

interested in taking the time to read through it.

http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=93309.0 To me, it sounds

like your boundaries are being violated, mostly because you are giving people

permission to walk over them, and probably because you have not taken time to

articulate for yourself exactly what they are.

I cannot tell you what your boundaries are. I can tell you that personally, I

would not be comfortable allowing my personal mobile number to be used for my

mother's married lover to call her. I would not be comfortable going out to eat

with him or having him in my house or accepting his calls on my aforementioned

private number while I am at work. Are you comfortable with these things? From

what you wrote, it sounds like at least some of them bother you. If so, it

would be reasonable and acceptable for you to say so. " I don't want Boyfriend

in my home. " " I will not accept calls from you or Boyfriend while I am at work. "

etc. I would not be comfortable having anyone--mother or not--invite themselves

into my home and decide that I am responsible for their care. I wouldn't let a

neighbor do this, or a friend, and most especially not someone who had abused

me. They wouldn't have even made it through my front door. If these things

bother you, too, then you have a right to say so and not allow them to happen to

you.

But let's say I had let someone invite herself to stay indefinitely in my home

and to use my time and resources and energy without asking what I think first.

If she suddenly packed up her things and said she was leaving, I'd be praising

the heavens above and wishing her good riddance! I see that you reacted

differently out of fear and guilt, and that is understandable. I wonder if it

would help you to examine those feelings and decide whether they are really the

most helpful choice for you.

I do not think it would be unreasonable for you to ask your mother to find other

living arrangements. In fact, I think it may be necessary for you to preserve

your own sanity. You are not responsible for her. She is an adult--with a

boyfriend!--and has survived this long. I'm sure she can figure something out.

It might be a very good experience for her to see that she can solve her own

problems. I see you ignoring your own needs, which teaches everyone else that

it's okay to ignore them, too. Your primary responsibility is to yourself.

Take care of yourself. Your needs are important.

You have a right to have a peaceful home without intrusive visitors. You can

choose to allow people to violate that right or not. It is up to you. But the

cost of doing so seems awfully high.

I hope you find a solution that works for you.

KT

[Guest guest]

It certainly sounds stressful at your house!

I am thinking it might be helpful for you to re-examine what your personal

limits are. Randi Kreger did an excellent workshop at another site, if you are

interested in taking the time to read through it.

http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=93309.0 To me, it sounds

like your boundaries are being violated, mostly because you are giving people

permission to walk over them, and probably because you have not taken time to

articulate for yourself exactly what they are.

I cannot tell you what your boundaries are. I can tell you that personally, I

would not be comfortable allowing my personal mobile number to be used for my

mother's married lover to call her. I would not be comfortable going out to eat

with him or having him in my house or accepting his calls on my aforementioned

private number while I am at work. Are you comfortable with these things? From

what you wrote, it sounds like at least some of them bother you. If so, it

would be reasonable and acceptable for you to say so. " I don't want Boyfriend

in my home. " " I will not accept calls from you or Boyfriend while I am at work. "

etc. I would not be comfortable having anyone--mother or not--invite themselves

into my home and decide that I am responsible for their care. I wouldn't let a

neighbor do this, or a friend, and most especially not someone who had abused

me. They wouldn't have even made it through my front door. If these things

bother you, too, then you have a right to say so and not allow them to happen to

you.

But let's say I had let someone invite herself to stay indefinitely in my home

and to use my time and resources and energy without asking what I think first.

If she suddenly packed up her things and said she was leaving, I'd be praising

the heavens above and wishing her good riddance! I see that you reacted

differently out of fear and guilt, and that is understandable. I wonder if it

would help you to examine those feelings and decide whether they are really the

most helpful choice for you.

I do not think it would be unreasonable for you to ask your mother to find other

living arrangements. In fact, I think it may be necessary for you to preserve

your own sanity. You are not responsible for her. She is an adult--with a

boyfriend!--and has survived this long. I'm sure she can figure something out.

It might be a very good experience for her to see that she can solve her own

problems. I see you ignoring your own needs, which teaches everyone else that

it's okay to ignore them, too. Your primary responsibility is to yourself.

Take care of yourself. Your needs are important.

You have a right to have a peaceful home without intrusive visitors. You can

choose to allow people to violate that right or not. It is up to you. But the

cost of doing so seems awfully high.

I hope you find a solution that works for you.

KT

[Guest guest]

It certainly sounds stressful at your house!

I am thinking it might be helpful for you to re-examine what your personal

limits are. Randi Kreger did an excellent workshop at another site, if you are

interested in taking the time to read through it.

http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=93309.0 To me, it sounds

like your boundaries are being violated, mostly because you are giving people

permission to walk over them, and probably because you have not taken time to

articulate for yourself exactly what they are.

I cannot tell you what your boundaries are. I can tell you that personally, I

would not be comfortable allowing my personal mobile number to be used for my

mother's married lover to call her. I would not be comfortable going out to eat

with him or having him in my house or accepting his calls on my aforementioned

private number while I am at work. Are you comfortable with these things? From

what you wrote, it sounds like at least some of them bother you. If so, it

would be reasonable and acceptable for you to say so. " I don't want Boyfriend

in my home. " " I will not accept calls from you or Boyfriend while I am at work. "

etc. I would not be comfortable having anyone--mother or not--invite themselves

into my home and decide that I am responsible for their care. I wouldn't let a

neighbor do this, or a friend, and most especially not someone who had abused

me. They wouldn't have even made it through my front door. If these things

bother you, too, then you have a right to say so and not allow them to happen to

you.

But let's say I had let someone invite herself to stay indefinitely in my home

and to use my time and resources and energy without asking what I think first.

If she suddenly packed up her things and said she was leaving, I'd be praising

the heavens above and wishing her good riddance! I see that you reacted

differently out of fear and guilt, and that is understandable. I wonder if it

would help you to examine those feelings and decide whether they are really the

most helpful choice for you.

I do not think it would be unreasonable for you to ask your mother to find other

living arrangements. In fact, I think it may be necessary for you to preserve

your own sanity. You are not responsible for her. She is an adult--with a

boyfriend!--and has survived this long. I'm sure she can figure something out.

It might be a very good experience for her to see that she can solve her own

problems. I see you ignoring your own needs, which teaches everyone else that

it's okay to ignore them, too. Your primary responsibility is to yourself.

Take care of yourself. Your needs are important.

You have a right to have a peaceful home without intrusive visitors. You can

choose to allow people to violate that right or not. It is up to you. But the

cost of doing so seems awfully high.

I hope you find a solution that works for you.

KT

[Guest guest]

I'm glad the incident is over now, how awful for all of you.

My suggestion is that you only visit your nada in her home or at a neutral,

public place from now on, and only for an hour or two at a time.

Its too triggering for both of you to have her stay in your home for an extended

visit.

So: short visits only, and not in your home. I bet that will cut way down on

the drama in the future.

-Annie

>

> It's a joke. It's not thaaat bad. Hopefully will not be worst than this.

>

> Day 1) Nada arrived on the X'mas day.

> She was OK, had a nice trip and didn't complain of things as I thought before.

> Thanks God my forecast of her state of mind arrival was a mistake.

> Her " boyfriend " (a married old man which whom she has a relationship for more

> than 20 years!)

> went to the airport too and we all had coffee together. He left to his home.

> Nada, my husband and me cooked at home. Quiet nice evening.

>

> Day 2) Spent all day shopping and cooking at home. Quiet pleasant day

> but I needed to " swallow " some of her strange behaviours.

> I get very irritated with most of things she does or say.

> Nada learned to open/close the apartment and use the microwave today.

> It's very difficult for her to learn anything new. It's necessary lots of

> pacience to explain her things

> and this also makes me very tired to be with her too.

> I was waiting for her " boyfriend " to call my mobile (the only way to him

contact

> her until I get a

>

> pre-paid phone for her. There's no phone at home).

> Nobody can call him because his wife. He didn't call me.

>

> Day 3) Went to work with my husband. Nada stayed at home alone for the 1st

time

> since arrival.

> Her boyfriend called while I was working to say he's going to visit her at my

> home.

> First I said OK, then later I told him to forget today because Nada doesn't

know

> how to open the entrance door

>

> from the interphone painel inside the apartment. There's a gate that he can't

go

> in without a key or someone to open from inside.

> Every little thing is a such big thing to her to learn that I forgot to

explain

> about the interphone on the day before.

> He started to say how she doesn't know a such simple thing and bla bla bla, I

> was busy at that moment, he was inconvenient

> calling me while I'm working then I lost my temper with him over the phone.

> I told him to not go there 'cause I didn't want he sneaking in the blg. when

> someone else enter the apartment and

>

> didn't want my mother yelling to him from inside the apartment if she finds

> problem to open the door (it's a bit trick).

> I got pretty irritated after talk to him and this feeling folllow me all day

> long.

> I came back home and found out that he went there and the gas system was

> switched off so Nada didn't have shower because

> no hot water. She said she didn't do anything and that he might have switched

> off the system.

> Nada does another thing very that irritates me too: she can't see a single

> little light of any device on that she finds a way to

> switch off the light to save energy. And explain her that those small lights

> doesn't consume much and somethings need to be switched on ALL the time like

the

> gas system = doesn't work...she doen't understand.

> So I guess that she bothered her boyfriend to switch off everything that has a

> light on and left like this until I arrive.

> Thinking only about it, it's not a reason to blow up but... I did. I flipped

> out. I never saw my husband almost crying to stop me.

> I started screamming at her, ordering her to not touch things she doesn't know

> in my house, that I hate her " boyfriend " , that I spent my time I should be

> working doing things for her, then she started to pack her things to leave.

> A 75y/o with 1 big and 1 small suitcases leaving in a winter night (almost

> midnight) and didn't want even to take her coat.

> I called a nearby hotel and booked a room, she refused to go.

> I told her I would call the police to bring her back if she leaves like that

and

> she started to loose her temper.

> Both of us was flipping out and calming down in random in a matter of minutes

> and I just feel very sorry for my dear husband for see and deal with all this

> shit. He told me to leave the room to calm down her so I had a shower where I

> cried a lot.

> Nada still wanted to leave my apartment anyway saying I was kicking out a sick

> and old mother + same bla bla bla in these occasions.

> I got tired and just stopped to talk to her, she moved all her things out of

the

> apartment and in the entrance she wanted to handle back the apartment key but

> she coudn't find. She stayed an hour or so looking for the key, my husband

said

> " you can't leave our apartment without give back the key, so better you have

> some sleep and look for it tomorrow " .

>

> She calmed down, I show her how to use her new pre paid mobile.

> I told her if she wanted a sleeping pill as I would take 1 for myself, she

> wanted, I gave half of 1 to her and everybody went to sleep.

> After my husband told me he took out the key without her notice because he was

> worried she would do something crazy and could loose our spare key with the

> address written in another paper.(the key wasn't together the paper but...)

> This morning we wake up to work, I left earlier than my husband, he returned

our

> spare key to her bag and left her sleeping.

> I called many times her mobile that she just learned how to use but she didn't

> pick up. I don't if she didn't listen or if she forgots how to use or if she

did

> something crazy and I'm just writting during my working time when in fact I

> should be working instead of being worried and tired of all of this.Plus, who

> knows what I will face when I go back tonight?

> And...I've been worried about her but...am I crazy too ?? Now I'm worried

about

> myself and my poor husband.

> I'm a shame to let my husband see me so out of control, I hate to loose

control

> of things but, recently, small things gets my nerves!

> I work with other 3 people (1 boss too young to have alzheimer but sounds like

> this , 1 nutty and only 1 " normal " and kind sweet heart)

>

> so after a stressfull day, I have my husband to soothing me but now I have

Nada

> to top on it.

> How can I get more patience now?

> What do you think about of this? any suggestions?

> Thank you to read all of this ...

>

>

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Mon, December 20, 2010 12:07:48 PM

> Subject: Nada coming with cancer

>

>

> For a long time I didn't come here in a attempt to keep away those feelings

that

> are always surrounding me every time I talk to my Nada or think about her.

> Not checking here was a way to minimize the time thinking about all this BPD

> world.

> It was working I think ,'cause she was in the other side of the planet.

> Now I got a big X'mas gift: she's arriving on the X'mas day for a medical

check

> up (again) 'cause she has a diagnostic of breast cancer level 1.

> In the hospital where she lives, they are preparing her for a surgery but she

> doesn't trust the doctor and there's nobody to care of her unless she pays for

> that and

> she doesn't trust anybody anyway. The only person is me, only daughter,

pretty

> tired of her in good physical health and I just don't know how I'll stand the

> next few months. SHe didn't even arrived and I almost can not control my

> nerves. Sometimes I wonder if I have BPD or any other disorder 'cause I easily

> lost control when is around and I know that I need to be strong but I'm very

> tired already.

> Any suggestions?

>

>

>

>

>

>