Guest guest Posted December 30, 2010 Report Share Posted December 30, 2010 Absolutely, thanks for adding your take on this. I totally agree and recognize the difference between the kind of " emotionally incestuous " or " mind rape " (and even literally incestuous) behaviors exhibited by our personality-disordered parents as opposed to the mentally healthy and empathetic behaviors of parents who inform their child about sexual matters in compassionate and age-appropriate ways, depending on what their child's needs are at the time. It seems to me that mentally healthy parents like yourself handle delivering this kind of information in a more objective, mildly clinical way that takes the child's sensitivities and feelings into account, rather than giving the information in an emotionally-charged, all-or nothing, graphically personal way that ends up confusing, alarming or even upsetting their child. Its as different as night and day. -Annie > > > > Yes, I think these forced sexual-intimacy-sharing behaviors go beyond > normal " openness " and slide into abnormal " enmeshment " and a degenerate > kind of obsessiveness. > > > > Its a level of intimacy that only husbands and wives would want to > share with each other, seems to me, and maybe not even that much > information is usually shared between husband and wife; I don't know. > > > > But sharing with your minor child or adult child the intimate details > of your sexual life and bodily functions seems horribly inappropriate, > invasive and intrusive to me. I always felt invaded, embarrassed and > uncomfortable when my nada presumed to be that intimate with me and > demanded a similar level of intimacy from me RE my bodily functions and > whatnot. > > > > Its just plain icky and is yet another indicator to me of just how > skewed off of healthy and normal the bpd brain is. > > > > Its also another indicator of how moms are held to a different and > less harsh/rigid standard of behavior than dads. If a father were to > confide to his barely-pubescent daughter in graphic detail the intimate > sexual activities he indulges in with his wife, described his own bodily > functions or dysfunctions to his daughter, and were to demand that his > daughter tell him in equally graphic detail how her body is developing > and her innermost sexual thoughts... well, that would be considered > shockingly inappropriate and possibly even incestuous behavior coming > from fada. But somehow we give good old nada a pass on that and don't > call her on the carpet for being inappropriate and invasive. Double > standards are still in full force, it would seem. > > > > -Annie > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 30, 2010 Report Share Posted December 30, 2010 Absolutely, thanks for adding your take on this. I totally agree and recognize the difference between the kind of " emotionally incestuous " or " mind rape " (and even literally incestuous) behaviors exhibited by our personality-disordered parents as opposed to the mentally healthy and empathetic behaviors of parents who inform their child about sexual matters in compassionate and age-appropriate ways, depending on what their child's needs are at the time. It seems to me that mentally healthy parents like yourself handle delivering this kind of information in a more objective, mildly clinical way that takes the child's sensitivities and feelings into account, rather than giving the information in an emotionally-charged, all-or nothing, graphically personal way that ends up confusing, alarming or even upsetting their child. Its as different as night and day. -Annie > > > > Yes, I think these forced sexual-intimacy-sharing behaviors go beyond > normal " openness " and slide into abnormal " enmeshment " and a degenerate > kind of obsessiveness. > > > > Its a level of intimacy that only husbands and wives would want to > share with each other, seems to me, and maybe not even that much > information is usually shared between husband and wife; I don't know. > > > > But sharing with your minor child or adult child the intimate details > of your sexual life and bodily functions seems horribly inappropriate, > invasive and intrusive to me. I always felt invaded, embarrassed and > uncomfortable when my nada presumed to be that intimate with me and > demanded a similar level of intimacy from me RE my bodily functions and > whatnot. > > > > Its just plain icky and is yet another indicator to me of just how > skewed off of healthy and normal the bpd brain is. > > > > Its also another indicator of how moms are held to a different and > less harsh/rigid standard of behavior than dads. If a father were to > confide to his barely-pubescent daughter in graphic detail the intimate > sexual activities he indulges in with his wife, described his own bodily > functions or dysfunctions to his daughter, and were to demand that his > daughter tell him in equally graphic detail how her body is developing > and her innermost sexual thoughts... well, that would be considered > shockingly inappropriate and possibly even incestuous behavior coming > from fada. But somehow we give good old nada a pass on that and don't > call her on the carpet for being inappropriate and invasive. Double > standards are still in full force, it would seem. > > > > -Annie > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 30, 2010 Report Share Posted December 30, 2010 Absolutely, thanks for adding your take on this. I totally agree and recognize the difference between the kind of " emotionally incestuous " or " mind rape " (and even literally incestuous) behaviors exhibited by our personality-disordered parents as opposed to the mentally healthy and empathetic behaviors of parents who inform their child about sexual matters in compassionate and age-appropriate ways, depending on what their child's needs are at the time. It seems to me that mentally healthy parents like yourself handle delivering this kind of information in a more objective, mildly clinical way that takes the child's sensitivities and feelings into account, rather than giving the information in an emotionally-charged, all-or nothing, graphically personal way that ends up confusing, alarming or even upsetting their child. Its as different as night and day. -Annie > > > > Yes, I think these forced sexual-intimacy-sharing behaviors go beyond > normal " openness " and slide into abnormal " enmeshment " and a degenerate > kind of obsessiveness. > > > > Its a level of intimacy that only husbands and wives would want to > share with each other, seems to me, and maybe not even that much > information is usually shared between husband and wife; I don't know. > > > > But sharing with your minor child or adult child the intimate details > of your sexual life and bodily functions seems horribly inappropriate, > invasive and intrusive to me. I always felt invaded, embarrassed and > uncomfortable when my nada presumed to be that intimate with me and > demanded a similar level of intimacy from me RE my bodily functions and > whatnot. > > > > Its just plain icky and is yet another indicator to me of just how > skewed off of healthy and normal the bpd brain is. > > > > Its also another indicator of how moms are held to a different and > less harsh/rigid standard of behavior than dads. If a father were to > confide to his barely-pubescent daughter in graphic detail the intimate > sexual activities he indulges in with his wife, described his own bodily > functions or dysfunctions to his daughter, and were to demand that his > daughter tell him in equally graphic detail how her body is developing > and her innermost sexual thoughts... well, that would be considered > shockingly inappropriate and possibly even incestuous behavior coming > from fada. But somehow we give good old nada a pass on that and don't > call her on the carpet for being inappropriate and invasive. Double > standards are still in full force, it would seem. > > > > -Annie > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 30, 2010 Report Share Posted December 30, 2010 OMG, that just brought back another memory for me. My nada used to douche using that horrid red bag with the long hose and nozzle thing on it. She kept it hanging in the shower all the time and would ask me to mix up the water and vinegar for her so she could douche. What child should be doing that for her mom? Thank God I didn't have to do the deed. But She did make me stand there and hold the bag up high for her. Sickening how we grow up thinking certain things are " normal " when they really are not! > > The other thing my Mom did was to clean herself in front of me all the time, using Masengill douche powder and mixing it in a Pyrex dish from the kitchen. It was horrible. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 30, 2010 Report Share Posted December 30, 2010 OMG, that just brought back another memory for me. My nada used to douche using that horrid red bag with the long hose and nozzle thing on it. She kept it hanging in the shower all the time and would ask me to mix up the water and vinegar for her so she could douche. What child should be doing that for her mom? Thank God I didn't have to do the deed. But She did make me stand there and hold the bag up high for her. Sickening how we grow up thinking certain things are " normal " when they really are not! > > The other thing my Mom did was to clean herself in front of me all the time, using Masengill douche powder and mixing it in a Pyrex dish from the kitchen. It was horrible. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 30, 2010 Report Share Posted December 30, 2010 OMG, that just brought back another memory for me. My nada used to douche using that horrid red bag with the long hose and nozzle thing on it. She kept it hanging in the shower all the time and would ask me to mix up the water and vinegar for her so she could douche. What child should be doing that for her mom? Thank God I didn't have to do the deed. But She did make me stand there and hold the bag up high for her. Sickening how we grow up thinking certain things are " normal " when they really are not! > > The other thing my Mom did was to clean herself in front of me all the time, using Masengill douche powder and mixing it in a Pyrex dish from the kitchen. It was horrible. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 30, 2010 Report Share Posted December 30, 2010 Same apparatus as my house, same color. Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry Re: Back in the web again OMG, that just brought back another memory for me. My nada used to douche using that horrid red bag with the long hose and nozzle thing on it. She kept it hanging in the shower all the time and would ask me to mix up the water and vinegar for her so she could douche. What child should be doing that for her mom? Thank God I didn't have to do the deed. But She did make me stand there and hold the bag up high for her. Sickening how we grow up thinking certain things are " normal " when they really are not! > > The other thing my Mom did was to clean herself in front of me all the time, using Masengill douche powder and mixing it in a Pyrex dish from the kitchen. It was horrible. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 30, 2010 Report Share Posted December 30, 2010 I feel like my FOO is just annoying and I'm some kind of idiot who can't get over it. So Dad left before I was born; how many people have lived in that circumstance? So Mom was overly emotional and weird. Whatever. My home was safe and I was never physically or sexually abused. I was given opportunities for schooling and extracurricular activities. I was allowed to have friends and given reasonable medical care. What is my freaking problem? I feel like that new Eagles song " Get Over It. " I just want to be done with these problems and get on with my life. And for heaven's sake, stop taking it out on my children! +Coal Miner's Daughter >> > > Some are just mildly affected by pd and are simply annoying, while others do unspeakable things to their own children and shouldn't be allowed to raise kids. Personality disorder is a range of behaviors, of severity and freqency, and we each have to find our own path to healing and peace from the damage they do. > > -Annie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 30, 2010 Report Share Posted December 30, 2010 CMD,please don't invalidate yourself like this.I think that all of us could play " apples and oranges " with our abuse histories--I know that I could: there is of course always someone else who had it worse and if you compare your history to someone else's it's only too easy to condemn yourself for not " getting over it " . Pain is pain is pain--which we all feel for our own unique reasons. The only way out is through and to do that it's necessary to acknowledge our pain without placing judgements on it,that is a form of punishing ourselves.Please give yourself the grace of tending to your pain.It's real and your spirit is worth all the healing and nurturing you can give it. > > I feel like my FOO is just annoying and I'm some kind of idiot who can't get over it. So Dad left before I was born; how many people have lived in that circumstance? So Mom was overly emotional and weird. Whatever. > > My home was safe and I was never physically or sexually abused. I was given opportunities for schooling and extracurricular activities. I was allowed to have friends and given reasonable medical care. > > What is my freaking problem? I feel like that new Eagles song " Get Over It. " I just want to be done with these problems and get on with my life. And for heaven's sake, stop taking it out on my children! > > +Coal Miner's Daughter Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 30, 2010 Report Share Posted December 30, 2010 CMD,please don't invalidate yourself like this.I think that all of us could play " apples and oranges " with our abuse histories--I know that I could: there is of course always someone else who had it worse and if you compare your history to someone else's it's only too easy to condemn yourself for not " getting over it " . Pain is pain is pain--which we all feel for our own unique reasons. The only way out is through and to do that it's necessary to acknowledge our pain without placing judgements on it,that is a form of punishing ourselves.Please give yourself the grace of tending to your pain.It's real and your spirit is worth all the healing and nurturing you can give it. > > I feel like my FOO is just annoying and I'm some kind of idiot who can't get over it. So Dad left before I was born; how many people have lived in that circumstance? So Mom was overly emotional and weird. Whatever. > > My home was safe and I was never physically or sexually abused. I was given opportunities for schooling and extracurricular activities. I was allowed to have friends and given reasonable medical care. > > What is my freaking problem? I feel like that new Eagles song " Get Over It. " I just want to be done with these problems and get on with my life. And for heaven's sake, stop taking it out on my children! > > +Coal Miner's Daughter Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 30, 2010 Report Share Posted December 30, 2010 CMD,please don't invalidate yourself like this.I think that all of us could play " apples and oranges " with our abuse histories--I know that I could: there is of course always someone else who had it worse and if you compare your history to someone else's it's only too easy to condemn yourself for not " getting over it " . Pain is pain is pain--which we all feel for our own unique reasons. The only way out is through and to do that it's necessary to acknowledge our pain without placing judgements on it,that is a form of punishing ourselves.Please give yourself the grace of tending to your pain.It's real and your spirit is worth all the healing and nurturing you can give it. > > I feel like my FOO is just annoying and I'm some kind of idiot who can't get over it. So Dad left before I was born; how many people have lived in that circumstance? So Mom was overly emotional and weird. Whatever. > > My home was safe and I was never physically or sexually abused. I was given opportunities for schooling and extracurricular activities. I was allowed to have friends and given reasonable medical care. > > What is my freaking problem? I feel like that new Eagles song " Get Over It. " I just want to be done with these problems and get on with my life. And for heaven's sake, stop taking it out on my children! > > +Coal Miner's Daughter Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 30, 2010 Report Share Posted December 30, 2010 My T would say when you feel that way, examine the thought and ask yourself whose opinion it is. Is it really yours? I don't think so. Is it nada's? fada's? Probably. I'd guess they would tell you that when you were unhappy. That's what my FOO said to me. As for me, I call thoughts like that my super ego. And therapy has taught me that my super ego is always wrong. That's what I was taught was socially appropriate, religion, and FOO brainwashing. Super ego. Mine is messed up. Of course, sometimes it helps me out. For instance, to reference another thread, when i feel I must run to the bathroom so I don't go number 1 or 2 in my pants, my super ego reminds me that no one wants to hear about it, especially my coworkers. In fact, the only person I'd discuss it with is my doctor and then I'd use plenty of euphimisms to mask my discomfort. And that is one of the ways I know I'm not bpd. ha ha ha xoxo girlscout On Thu, Dec 30, 2010 at 2:02 PM, christine.depizan < christine.depizan@...> wrote: > > > CMD,please don't invalidate yourself like this.I think that all of us could > play " apples and oranges " with our abuse histories--I know that I could: > there is of course always someone else who had it worse and if you compare > your history to someone else's it's only too easy to condemn yourself for > not " getting over it " . > > Pain is pain is pain--which we all feel for our own unique reasons. > > The only way out is through and to do that it's necessary to acknowledge > our pain without placing judgements on it,that is a form of punishing > ourselves.Please give yourself the grace of tending to your pain.It's real > and your spirit is worth all the healing and nurturing you can give it. > > > > > > > > > I feel like my FOO is just annoying and I'm some kind of idiot who can't > get over it. So Dad left before I was born; how many people have lived in > that circumstance? So Mom was overly emotional and weird. Whatever. > > > > My home was safe and I was never physically or sexually abused. I was > given opportunities for schooling and extracurricular activities. I was > allowed to have friends and given reasonable medical care. > > > > What is my freaking problem? I feel like that new Eagles song " Get Over > It. " I just want to be done with these problems and get on with my life. And > for heaven's sake, stop taking it out on my children! > > > > +Coal Miner's Daughter > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 30, 2010 Report Share Posted December 30, 2010 My T would say when you feel that way, examine the thought and ask yourself whose opinion it is. Is it really yours? I don't think so. Is it nada's? fada's? Probably. I'd guess they would tell you that when you were unhappy. That's what my FOO said to me. As for me, I call thoughts like that my super ego. And therapy has taught me that my super ego is always wrong. That's what I was taught was socially appropriate, religion, and FOO brainwashing. Super ego. Mine is messed up. Of course, sometimes it helps me out. For instance, to reference another thread, when i feel I must run to the bathroom so I don't go number 1 or 2 in my pants, my super ego reminds me that no one wants to hear about it, especially my coworkers. In fact, the only person I'd discuss it with is my doctor and then I'd use plenty of euphimisms to mask my discomfort. And that is one of the ways I know I'm not bpd. ha ha ha xoxo girlscout On Thu, Dec 30, 2010 at 2:02 PM, christine.depizan < christine.depizan@...> wrote: > > > CMD,please don't invalidate yourself like this.I think that all of us could > play " apples and oranges " with our abuse histories--I know that I could: > there is of course always someone else who had it worse and if you compare > your history to someone else's it's only too easy to condemn yourself for > not " getting over it " . > > Pain is pain is pain--which we all feel for our own unique reasons. > > The only way out is through and to do that it's necessary to acknowledge > our pain without placing judgements on it,that is a form of punishing > ourselves.Please give yourself the grace of tending to your pain.It's real > and your spirit is worth all the healing and nurturing you can give it. > > > > > > > > > I feel like my FOO is just annoying and I'm some kind of idiot who can't > get over it. So Dad left before I was born; how many people have lived in > that circumstance? So Mom was overly emotional and weird. Whatever. > > > > My home was safe and I was never physically or sexually abused. I was > given opportunities for schooling and extracurricular activities. I was > allowed to have friends and given reasonable medical care. > > > > What is my freaking problem? I feel like that new Eagles song " Get Over > It. " I just want to be done with these problems and get on with my life. And > for heaven's sake, stop taking it out on my children! > > > > +Coal Miner's Daughter > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 30, 2010 Report Share Posted December 30, 2010 Once again, I am reminded of how much work I have to do. This must be what people said to me. I can't even remember! I can't remember much of anything - just the feelings, being alone in my misery and so confused. Still so confused. My FOO is the subtle, indirect type with plenty of narcissism and passive aggression. So it's hard to pinpoint or exactly explain anything they are doing. But everyone knows how it feels to be around them, and no one likes it. My husband said, just tonight after they left, " Whew, I bet you're glad I'm not like that! " " Like what? " I asked, just to draw him out and see what he meant. " Oh, just so uptight I guess. It's hard to explain. " " I know what you mean. " Oh, don't I ever. +Coal Miner's Daughter p.s. FOO is very well-do-to and successful. A couple of steps under the CEO, known by everyone in town, etc. And each parent/step-parent is completely wrapped up in achieving their own comfort and personal ease. Look how smart I am, I have lots of money and don't have to work. Blah blah blah Yeah, but no one likes you! You spend all of your time alone in your big house and only see your own childen for 2 days a year. How successful is that? What do you DO all day anyway? > > My T would say when you feel that way, examine the thought and ask yourself > whose opinion it is. Is it really yours? I don't think so. Is it nada's? > fada's? Probably. I'd guess they would tell you that when you were unhappy. > That's what my FOO said to me. > > As for me, I call thoughts like that my super ego. And therapy has taught me > that my super ego is always wrong. That's what I was taught was socially > appropriate, religion, and FOO brainwashing. Super ego. Mine is messed up. > Of course, sometimes it helps me out. For instance, to reference another > thread, when i feel I must run to the bathroom so I don't go number 1 or > 2 in my pants, my super ego reminds me that no one wants to hear about it, > especially my coworkers. In fact, the only person I'd discuss it with is my > doctor and then I'd use plenty of euphimisms to mask my discomfort. And that > is one of the ways I know I'm not bpd. ha ha ha > > xoxo girlscout > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 30, 2010 Report Share Posted December 30, 2010 Once again, I am reminded of how much work I have to do. This must be what people said to me. I can't even remember! I can't remember much of anything - just the feelings, being alone in my misery and so confused. Still so confused. My FOO is the subtle, indirect type with plenty of narcissism and passive aggression. So it's hard to pinpoint or exactly explain anything they are doing. But everyone knows how it feels to be around them, and no one likes it. My husband said, just tonight after they left, " Whew, I bet you're glad I'm not like that! " " Like what? " I asked, just to draw him out and see what he meant. " Oh, just so uptight I guess. It's hard to explain. " " I know what you mean. " Oh, don't I ever. +Coal Miner's Daughter p.s. FOO is very well-do-to and successful. A couple of steps under the CEO, known by everyone in town, etc. And each parent/step-parent is completely wrapped up in achieving their own comfort and personal ease. Look how smart I am, I have lots of money and don't have to work. Blah blah blah Yeah, but no one likes you! You spend all of your time alone in your big house and only see your own childen for 2 days a year. How successful is that? What do you DO all day anyway? > > My T would say when you feel that way, examine the thought and ask yourself > whose opinion it is. Is it really yours? I don't think so. Is it nada's? > fada's? Probably. I'd guess they would tell you that when you were unhappy. > That's what my FOO said to me. > > As for me, I call thoughts like that my super ego. And therapy has taught me > that my super ego is always wrong. That's what I was taught was socially > appropriate, religion, and FOO brainwashing. Super ego. Mine is messed up. > Of course, sometimes it helps me out. For instance, to reference another > thread, when i feel I must run to the bathroom so I don't go number 1 or > 2 in my pants, my super ego reminds me that no one wants to hear about it, > especially my coworkers. In fact, the only person I'd discuss it with is my > doctor and then I'd use plenty of euphimisms to mask my discomfort. And that > is one of the ways I know I'm not bpd. ha ha ha > > xoxo girlscout > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 30, 2010 Report Share Posted December 30, 2010 I don't remember specifics about nada in this regard - just a definite sense of dirty darkness about her sexually. And just like I want to get away - don't even want to think about it. Ewww. Nada liked to try to innertwine her fingers with mine and hold my hand, like lovers do. I always jerked away and hate to even think about it. I don't like to hug her or feel her near me. Dad doesn't even hug me. Haven't seen him for almost a year - he walks in and doesn't even speak to me. (My son opened the door.) Kind of hard to feel close to someone who so obviously doesn't care about me at all. +Coal Miner's Daughter > > Yes, I think these forced sexual-intimacy-sharing behaviors go beyond normal " openness " and slide into abnormal " enmeshment " and a degenerate kind of obsessiveness. > > Its a level of intimacy that only husbands and wives would want to share with each other, seems to me, and maybe not even that much information is usually shared between husband and wife; I don't know. > > But sharing with your minor child or adult child the intimate details of your sexual life and bodily functions seems horribly inappropriate, invasive and intrusive to me. I always felt invaded, embarrassed and uncomfortable when my nada presumed to be that intimate with me and demanded a similar level of intimacy from me RE my bodily functions and whatnot. > > Its just plain icky and is yet another indicator to me of just how skewed off of healthy and normal the bpd brain is. > > Its also another indicator of how moms are held to a different and less harsh/rigid standard of behavior than dads. If a father were to confide to his barely-pubescent daughter in graphic detail the intimate sexual activities he indulges in with his wife, described his own bodily functions or dysfunctions to his daughter, and were to demand that his daughter tell him in equally graphic detail how her body is developing and her innermost sexual thoughts... well, that would be considered shockingly inappropriate and possibly even incestuous behavior coming from fada. But somehow we give good old nada a pass on that and don't call her on the carpet for being inappropriate and invasive. Double standards are still in full force, it would seem. > > -Annie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 30, 2010 Report Share Posted December 30, 2010 I don't remember specifics about nada in this regard - just a definite sense of dirty darkness about her sexually. And just like I want to get away - don't even want to think about it. Ewww. Nada liked to try to innertwine her fingers with mine and hold my hand, like lovers do. I always jerked away and hate to even think about it. I don't like to hug her or feel her near me. Dad doesn't even hug me. Haven't seen him for almost a year - he walks in and doesn't even speak to me. (My son opened the door.) Kind of hard to feel close to someone who so obviously doesn't care about me at all. +Coal Miner's Daughter > > Yes, I think these forced sexual-intimacy-sharing behaviors go beyond normal " openness " and slide into abnormal " enmeshment " and a degenerate kind of obsessiveness. > > Its a level of intimacy that only husbands and wives would want to share with each other, seems to me, and maybe not even that much information is usually shared between husband and wife; I don't know. > > But sharing with your minor child or adult child the intimate details of your sexual life and bodily functions seems horribly inappropriate, invasive and intrusive to me. I always felt invaded, embarrassed and uncomfortable when my nada presumed to be that intimate with me and demanded a similar level of intimacy from me RE my bodily functions and whatnot. > > Its just plain icky and is yet another indicator to me of just how skewed off of healthy and normal the bpd brain is. > > Its also another indicator of how moms are held to a different and less harsh/rigid standard of behavior than dads. If a father were to confide to his barely-pubescent daughter in graphic detail the intimate sexual activities he indulges in with his wife, described his own bodily functions or dysfunctions to his daughter, and were to demand that his daughter tell him in equally graphic detail how her body is developing and her innermost sexual thoughts... well, that would be considered shockingly inappropriate and possibly even incestuous behavior coming from fada. But somehow we give good old nada a pass on that and don't call her on the carpet for being inappropriate and invasive. Double standards are still in full force, it would seem. > > -Annie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 30, 2010 Report Share Posted December 30, 2010 I don't remember specifics about nada in this regard - just a definite sense of dirty darkness about her sexually. And just like I want to get away - don't even want to think about it. Ewww. Nada liked to try to innertwine her fingers with mine and hold my hand, like lovers do. I always jerked away and hate to even think about it. I don't like to hug her or feel her near me. Dad doesn't even hug me. Haven't seen him for almost a year - he walks in and doesn't even speak to me. (My son opened the door.) Kind of hard to feel close to someone who so obviously doesn't care about me at all. +Coal Miner's Daughter > > Yes, I think these forced sexual-intimacy-sharing behaviors go beyond normal " openness " and slide into abnormal " enmeshment " and a degenerate kind of obsessiveness. > > Its a level of intimacy that only husbands and wives would want to share with each other, seems to me, and maybe not even that much information is usually shared between husband and wife; I don't know. > > But sharing with your minor child or adult child the intimate details of your sexual life and bodily functions seems horribly inappropriate, invasive and intrusive to me. I always felt invaded, embarrassed and uncomfortable when my nada presumed to be that intimate with me and demanded a similar level of intimacy from me RE my bodily functions and whatnot. > > Its just plain icky and is yet another indicator to me of just how skewed off of healthy and normal the bpd brain is. > > Its also another indicator of how moms are held to a different and less harsh/rigid standard of behavior than dads. If a father were to confide to his barely-pubescent daughter in graphic detail the intimate sexual activities he indulges in with his wife, described his own bodily functions or dysfunctions to his daughter, and were to demand that his daughter tell him in equally graphic detail how her body is developing and her innermost sexual thoughts... well, that would be considered shockingly inappropriate and possibly even incestuous behavior coming from fada. But somehow we give good old nada a pass on that and don't call her on the carpet for being inappropriate and invasive. Double standards are still in full force, it would seem. > > -Annie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 30, 2010 Report Share Posted December 30, 2010 Hugs to you CMD. But I have to say, you are not an idiot, not at all. Everyone's circumstances are different, and you are a unique person. All of us are! Every person reacts differently in different situations. Because we all have different experiences, etc... sure, some of us have a harder time dealing with things than others. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Remember - you're in charge of you and you can change the way you look at and react to things. It might take practice or even help from a therapist or something, but you can do it. Just not over night. Hang in there! Mia On Thu, Dec 30, 2010 at 3:02 PM, coalminersdotter < coalminersdotter@...> wrote: > > > I feel like my FOO is just annoying and I'm some kind of idiot who can't > get over it. So Dad left before I was born; how many people have lived in > that circumstance? So Mom was overly emotional and weird. Whatever. > > My home was safe and I was never physically or sexually abused. I was given > opportunities for schooling and extracurricular activities. I was allowed to > have friends and given reasonable medical care. > > What is my freaking problem? I feel like that new Eagles song " Get Over > It. " I just want to be done with these problems and get on with my life. And > for heaven's sake, stop taking it out on my children! > > +Coal Miner's Daughter > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 30, 2010 Report Share Posted December 30, 2010 Hugs to you CMD. But I have to say, you are not an idiot, not at all. Everyone's circumstances are different, and you are a unique person. All of us are! Every person reacts differently in different situations. Because we all have different experiences, etc... sure, some of us have a harder time dealing with things than others. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Remember - you're in charge of you and you can change the way you look at and react to things. It might take practice or even help from a therapist or something, but you can do it. Just not over night. Hang in there! Mia On Thu, Dec 30, 2010 at 3:02 PM, coalminersdotter < coalminersdotter@...> wrote: > > > I feel like my FOO is just annoying and I'm some kind of idiot who can't > get over it. So Dad left before I was born; how many people have lived in > that circumstance? So Mom was overly emotional and weird. Whatever. > > My home was safe and I was never physically or sexually abused. I was given > opportunities for schooling and extracurricular activities. I was allowed to > have friends and given reasonable medical care. > > What is my freaking problem? I feel like that new Eagles song " Get Over > It. " I just want to be done with these problems and get on with my life. And > for heaven's sake, stop taking it out on my children! > > +Coal Miner's Daughter > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 30, 2010 Report Share Posted December 30, 2010 Hugs to you CMD. But I have to say, you are not an idiot, not at all. Everyone's circumstances are different, and you are a unique person. All of us are! Every person reacts differently in different situations. Because we all have different experiences, etc... sure, some of us have a harder time dealing with things than others. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Remember - you're in charge of you and you can change the way you look at and react to things. It might take practice or even help from a therapist or something, but you can do it. Just not over night. Hang in there! Mia On Thu, Dec 30, 2010 at 3:02 PM, coalminersdotter < coalminersdotter@...> wrote: > > > I feel like my FOO is just annoying and I'm some kind of idiot who can't > get over it. So Dad left before I was born; how many people have lived in > that circumstance? So Mom was overly emotional and weird. Whatever. > > My home was safe and I was never physically or sexually abused. I was given > opportunities for schooling and extracurricular activities. I was allowed to > have friends and given reasonable medical care. > > What is my freaking problem? I feel like that new Eagles song " Get Over > It. " I just want to be done with these problems and get on with my life. And > for heaven's sake, stop taking it out on my children! > > +Coal Miner's Daughter > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 30, 2010 Report Share Posted December 30, 2010 , well put. It's not fair to compare yourself or your situation to anyone else. You have to look at how you feel and learn to process & cope with it. Let yourself heal. But yep, it is a long road. I feel I've come a long way, but I also feel like I still have a long way to go. You can do it. So come on down that road and just know you're not alone ;-) Mia On Thu, Dec 30, 2010 at 4:02 PM, christine.depizan < christine.depizan@...> wrote: > > > CMD,please don't invalidate yourself like this.I think that all of us could > play " apples and oranges " with our abuse histories--I know that I could: > there is of course always someone else who had it worse and if you compare > your history to someone else's it's only too easy to condemn yourself for > not " getting over it " . > > Pain is pain is pain--which we all feel for our own unique reasons. > > The only way out is through and to do that it's necessary to acknowledge > our pain without placing judgements on it,that is a form of punishing > ourselves.Please give yourself the grace of tending to your pain.It's real > and your spirit is worth all the healing and nurturing you can give it. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 30, 2010 Report Share Posted December 30, 2010 , well put. It's not fair to compare yourself or your situation to anyone else. You have to look at how you feel and learn to process & cope with it. Let yourself heal. But yep, it is a long road. I feel I've come a long way, but I also feel like I still have a long way to go. You can do it. So come on down that road and just know you're not alone ;-) Mia On Thu, Dec 30, 2010 at 4:02 PM, christine.depizan < christine.depizan@...> wrote: > > > CMD,please don't invalidate yourself like this.I think that all of us could > play " apples and oranges " with our abuse histories--I know that I could: > there is of course always someone else who had it worse and if you compare > your history to someone else's it's only too easy to condemn yourself for > not " getting over it " . > > Pain is pain is pain--which we all feel for our own unique reasons. > > The only way out is through and to do that it's necessary to acknowledge > our pain without placing judgements on it,that is a form of punishing > ourselves.Please give yourself the grace of tending to your pain.It's real > and your spirit is worth all the healing and nurturing you can give it. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 30, 2010 Report Share Posted December 30, 2010 , well put. It's not fair to compare yourself or your situation to anyone else. You have to look at how you feel and learn to process & cope with it. Let yourself heal. But yep, it is a long road. I feel I've come a long way, but I also feel like I still have a long way to go. You can do it. So come on down that road and just know you're not alone ;-) Mia On Thu, Dec 30, 2010 at 4:02 PM, christine.depizan < christine.depizan@...> wrote: > > > CMD,please don't invalidate yourself like this.I think that all of us could > play " apples and oranges " with our abuse histories--I know that I could: > there is of course always someone else who had it worse and if you compare > your history to someone else's it's only too easy to condemn yourself for > not " getting over it " . > > Pain is pain is pain--which we all feel for our own unique reasons. > > The only way out is through and to do that it's necessary to acknowledge > our pain without placing judgements on it,that is a form of punishing > ourselves.Please give yourself the grace of tending to your pain.It's real > and your spirit is worth all the healing and nurturing you can give it. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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