Divorcing A Parent by Beverly Engel

[Guest guest]

I just came across this book at another support group I belong to and read some

of the pages available to preview, and I think its going to be a must-read item

for me. This author's words are so in tune with my own opinions that its

uncanny:

Here's an excerpt:

" ... was recovering from extreme childhood physical and emotional abuse.

A recovering alcoholic, she had been encouraged to forgive her mother by the

teachings of her Alcoholics Anonymous groups.

" ( says) I know it was her alcoholism that caused (my mother) to be

abusive and I know I'm supposed to work on forgiveness, but I just can't seem

to, " she continued, " I think I've forgiven her, and then she tells me what a

creep she thinks I am or what a disappointment I am to her, and all the old pain

comes back. Even if I could forgive her for the past, I can't keep forgiving

her for hurting me over and over now. There's got to be a time when forgiveness

ceases and self-preservation takes over. How can I continue to recover if she

continually undermines my self-esteem? I really wish I never had to see her

again! "

Through the years I have heard many clients say they wish they never had to deal

with their parents again. Most of these clients were either physically,

sexually, or emotionally abused as children; many, like , are also adult

children of alcoholics.

All came from dysfunctional families. Because of my own experience with my

mother, I know how these clients feel. And unlike many therapists, I do not

think the answer to our conflicts with our parents necessarily lies in trying to

understand our parents better, or in forgiving them. In fact, I do not believe

that forgiveness is necessary or even possible in some cases. Instead, I began

to suggest another option - that of divorcing a parent who continues to be

abusive, controlling or neglectful.... "

The author goes on to say that when a parent has been brutally cruel, has

inflicted physical and emotional abuse, has neglected and abandoned their child,

has terrorized the child, denied the child medical treatment, has starved the

child for affection (or starved the child literally) has been extremely harsh

and vindictive with punishments, has sexually molested the child or their

siblings-- that forgiveness may never be possible, and that's OK.

" More and more therapists who specialize in working with adults who were abused

as children are discovering that forgiveness is not necessary for healing, and

that forgiving a parent is not necessarily the healthiest choice in all

situations. "

***

So, I am definitely going to read the rest of this book. I have never been able

to understand the outpouring of empathy and support for battered wives who are

encouraged and even assisted to leave the abusive relationship for their own

well-being, when in the same breath the *children* of physically and emotionally

abusive, battering, negligent *parents* are not only NOT given that same

encouragement and support, they are made to feel wrong for wanting to get away

from their abusive parent and ashamed for never wanting to be around their

abuser again.

This author sounds so sane, compassionate and rational to me.

-Annie