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Hi armyinlaw,

Welcome to the Group.

I tend to agree with your psychotherapist friend; the behaviors you describe

sound to me like your mother has personality disorder, with a dose of hoarding

behavior on top of it. (If I remember correctly, I think hoarding behaviors and

super-controlling behaviors crop up with obsessive-compulsive personality

disorder, which is different than obsessive-compulsive disorder. It is not

uncommon for a person to have more than one mental illness going on at the same

time.)

I'm so sorry you are feeling so trapped and helpless. The bad news is that you

are correct and you can't change your mother's behaviors; nothing you can

possibly do or say will make her a well-functioning, mentally healthy person.

The good news is that you can change your own responses to her dysfunctional

behaviors: that is the power you do have.

But its not easy. The most difficult part is accepting that it is not your

responsibility to cater to your mother's mental illness. The guilt and

obligation you feel are misplaced and inappropriate; your mother trained you to

accept responsibilities that are rightfully hers.

You would not dream of treating your own children the way your mother is

treating you, right? So you understand that your mother is being abusive to

you.

When you allow her to mistreat you, you are actually reinforcing her distorted

thinking and toxic behaviors; by catering to her, you are telling her that she

is entitled to behave badly and her behaviors will probably even get worse. (In

a way, its as though your mother is an alcoholic and screaming at you to hand

her a bottle of whiskey, and you hand it to her in order to get her to stop

screaming at you.

That's called " enabling. " )

It will take a lot of courage on your part, but I suggest that it will result in

more health for both you and your mother in the long run if you begin educating

yourself about personality disorder, about overcoming co-dependency, and about

setting reasonable, healthy, more normal boundaries with your pd mom (if you are

determined to maintain contact with her at all, that is. The amount and degree

of contact or choosing no contact is up to you.)

There are lots of good books out there now about personality disorder.

" Understanding The Borderline Mother " and " Surviving a Borderline Parent " are

good, and Randi Kreger's books are good with boundary-setting techniques.

There is a book called " Co-dependent No More " which is about learning to

overcome being unhealthily emotionally enmeshed with another person and feeling

inappropriately responsible for another's feelings and well-being. And

" Boundaries " by Cloud and Townsend is recommended here often, too.

I hope you will look into some of these books, and keep posting here. It really

does help to know that other people know what you're going through, and it

really does help to get educated about this disorder. Knowledge is power, and

empowering.

-Annie

>

> Hi everyone! I hope nobody here minds long notes/letters. I have so much to

get out and nowhere else to go with this.

>

> Recently I befriended a psychotherapist who has tried to help me in his

limited " off " time. He is wonderful but just doesn't have the time to devote to

what I need. He suggested I seek out a support group because I am at a point

where I fear for my own sanity.

>

> I don't sleep much anymore, I eat very little, have various health issues and

cannot drive, and feel like a slave to my mother and her life. The stress has

escalated so much over the past year that it is becoming unbearable and I find

myself in tears over the simplest of things. The stress is complicating my

health issues now too. All I want is my life back without having to abandon my

mother at the same time. Is that possible? At this point it doesn't look that

way.

>

> After a number of conversations with my friend he has determined mom has had

bpd all of my life, possibly all of hers. Mom has no idea she has a " problem "

because she believes she is the normal one and everyone else around her has the

problems. Mom has almost no friends, and the few she has managed to make work

hard to keep her at arm's length for their own sanity. I love my mother, so it

hurts me to say honestly that she is " invasive " ... and driving me crazy!

>

> Mom was recently widowed (July 2010) and left alone with a large dog, 3 large

parrots, 40 barn cats, and a 32 acre mess from 25+ yrs of her and my step

father's hoarding lifestyle. The only family mom has left is me and my younger

sister, and my sister has opted out of mom's life over the past few years.

(thats not completely a bad thing) That leaves me as mom's lifeline and she

holds on with an iron fist.

>

> I am about to be 41 yrs old in a few weeks and lately I feel like I am a 10 yr

old child having to play the parenting role. Its awful, and that is putting it

mildly. Mom has invaded every corner of my life and isn't happy unless she is

controlling my every move, all the way down to when I sleep and even when I use

the bathroom. (yes its really that bad) When she is angry mom is very

vindictive and holds a grudge forever. She is still angry and often complains

about things that happened to her over 50 yrs ago, ranting about her father (my

grandpa whom I was very close to and love very much) who has been dead for over

25 yrs now. Mom has no ability to move forward in her life, just deals with

things as they happen to her. I have never known a more negative person in my

life.

>

> Mom is abusive, verbally and emotionally. When she is angry she starts by

cutting the person out of her life completely, then begins plotting and talking

to others about the revenge she seeks. In my case, when mom is angry, it is

handled in way of punishments... yes, she still punishes me whenever I don't do

her bidding, she is very constructive and creative in that way. Mom has few

moments in her life where she isn't extremely angry at someone, deserved or not.

Because she is now completely alone, I carry the load for her pity parties,

ranting anger towards whomever it is that day, constant demands of my time and

energy, and her insistence that she is " mom " therefore it is her duty to run my

life the way she believes it should be run... the only right way... her way. In

mom's world there are only 2 ways, the right way (her way) and the wrong way

(anyone else's way). Anyone who doesn't agree with her on everything, listen to

everything she tells them to do, and allow her the control she seeks over them

and their lives, is the enemy. In my case, it goes a bit deeper... either I

agree with her, which means I love her, or I don't, which means I don't love

her. If I don't love her then she has no point in living anymore and I am " just

as bad as the rest of them " which is reason for punishment.

>

> Mom is extreme in everything and gets quite upset when I don't follow her

traits in my own life. I have so many stories to share, just to get them out, I

don't even know where to begin. I have almost 41 yrs of " baggage " I have been

carrying around with nobody to really share it with. When I tell someone about

mom they disappear from my life or keep a safe distance most of the time. My

psychotherapist friend told me he has heard many horror stories of abuse,

neglect, etc. yet my story is the worst he's ever heard. (and he only knows a

very small portion of it at this point)

>

> I spent the first 17 yrs of my life trying to escape an abusive home.

(abusive parents and abusive sister, verbally, emotionally, and physically) The

next 2 yrs were consumed with marrying an abusive psychopath (he was my way out

of an abusive home... backfired horribly), divorce from him, and 2 children.

The next 7 yrs were spent with my 2nd husband & children battling and hiding

from my 1st husband. The next 10 yrs were spent running away from my family

again, trying to find myself and make a life for myself and my children where

the abuse couldn't touch me. I managed to accomplish my goal during that 10

yrs, even though I lived with another abusive partner during that time.

>

> My final escape came about 6 yrs ago, my 3rd husband. (yes, I know, it took

me a long time to get it right) My current husband is loving, supportive, and

worth the long wait... however, I now have mom back in my life and she is

tearing me apart on a personal level, which is affecting the wonderful life my

husband & I have created for ourselves with my youngest child who is only 14 yrs

old. 6 yrs ago I thought I had found peace. I was wrong.

>

> Since my step father died in July mom has been unbearable and I just don't

know what to do anymore. She demands that I check on her nightly to make sure

she's still alive, because she's alone. These nightly " mom-sitting " sessions

are usually online because I prefer it to the phone, as it allows me a little

more freedom to keep my sanity in check while she is ranting. There are times

she doesn't show up in chat, to which I am then obligated to call her. The

chats last hours until she is ready to let me go to bed, and they don't start

until my family is in bed. Mom insists on having me to herself. If she

suspects anyone is talking to me while we chat she throws a tantrum. I have not

been allowed to go to bed to sleep with my husband in over a year now. By the

time my chats with mom end at night it is often 2 - 3am, by which time I am so

stressed I am wide awake and unable to sleep until 6-7am when my family is just

waking up to start their day. Many mornings by 10 - 11am mom is calling for the

first of many times in a day. Some days she keeps me on the phone for up to 6

hrs at a time, which means my whole day is gone before I am " free " to go about

my day, and by then I am emotionally exhausted. To tell mom either on the phone

or in chat that I need to go is a difficult task because she refuses to hear it.

She will talk over the top of me or ignore what I have said and just keep

talking. If I try to break in she talks faster to stop me. If I make her angry

then she yells at me about how I don't love her, hangs up, and refuses to speak

to me for days, sometimes weeks (unless she feels desperate before that). When

she gets past her anger at me she will then call me on the phone and complain

that I didn't call her sooner, even though I had left her messages daily on her

voicemail and answering machine.. and then the cycle begins again like nothing

ever happened.

>

> Mom is very manipulative and will do whatever it takes to get what she wants,

the way she wants it. The worst was a night when she purposely let herself fall

down the basement stairs and hurt herself quite badly... because I couldn't call

her that night. That was her proof that I had to call EVERY night because

something could happen to her with nobody around to help her.

>

> As you can probably tell by now, I am a mess. I am in tears just typing this

post to the group. I feel as if my wonderful life has been sucked away and I

have been powerless to stop it or to get it back. What am I seeking? Hope.

Help. Understanding... a safe place to get all of this garbage out of my head

so I can SLEEP. I am soooo tired. Advice on how to handle mom without facing

the consequences she is famous for? That would be a blessing if anything

worked. I have run out of ideas, my husband has run out of ideas, my in laws

want me to have mom forcibly committed, and my children miss me. I have known

great desperation at various times in my life, but never anything like this

before.

>

> Is there hope?

>

> Thanks for listening.

>

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Posted
Posted

Hi armyinlaw,

Welcome to the Group.

I tend to agree with your psychotherapist friend; the behaviors you describe

sound to me like your mother has personality disorder, with a dose of hoarding

behavior on top of it. (If I remember correctly, I think hoarding behaviors and

super-controlling behaviors crop up with obsessive-compulsive personality

disorder, which is different than obsessive-compulsive disorder. It is not

uncommon for a person to have more than one mental illness going on at the same

time.)

I'm so sorry you are feeling so trapped and helpless. The bad news is that you

are correct and you can't change your mother's behaviors; nothing you can

possibly do or say will make her a well-functioning, mentally healthy person.

The good news is that you can change your own responses to her dysfunctional

behaviors: that is the power you do have.

But its not easy. The most difficult part is accepting that it is not your

responsibility to cater to your mother's mental illness. The guilt and

obligation you feel are misplaced and inappropriate; your mother trained you to

accept responsibilities that are rightfully hers.

You would not dream of treating your own children the way your mother is

treating you, right? So you understand that your mother is being abusive to

you.

When you allow her to mistreat you, you are actually reinforcing her distorted

thinking and toxic behaviors; by catering to her, you are telling her that she

is entitled to behave badly and her behaviors will probably even get worse. (In

a way, its as though your mother is an alcoholic and screaming at you to hand

her a bottle of whiskey, and you hand it to her in order to get her to stop

screaming at you.

That's called " enabling. " )

It will take a lot of courage on your part, but I suggest that it will result in

more health for both you and your mother in the long run if you begin educating

yourself about personality disorder, about overcoming co-dependency, and about

setting reasonable, healthy, more normal boundaries with your pd mom (if you are

determined to maintain contact with her at all, that is. The amount and degree

of contact or choosing no contact is up to you.)

There are lots of good books out there now about personality disorder.

" Understanding The Borderline Mother " and " Surviving a Borderline Parent " are

good, and Randi Kreger's books are good with boundary-setting techniques.

There is a book called " Co-dependent No More " which is about learning to

overcome being unhealthily emotionally enmeshed with another person and feeling

inappropriately responsible for another's feelings and well-being. And

" Boundaries " by Cloud and Townsend is recommended here often, too.

I hope you will look into some of these books, and keep posting here. It really

does help to know that other people know what you're going through, and it

really does help to get educated about this disorder. Knowledge is power, and

empowering.

-Annie

>

> Hi everyone! I hope nobody here minds long notes/letters. I have so much to

get out and nowhere else to go with this.

>

> Recently I befriended a psychotherapist who has tried to help me in his

limited " off " time. He is wonderful but just doesn't have the time to devote to

what I need. He suggested I seek out a support group because I am at a point

where I fear for my own sanity.

>

> I don't sleep much anymore, I eat very little, have various health issues and

cannot drive, and feel like a slave to my mother and her life. The stress has

escalated so much over the past year that it is becoming unbearable and I find

myself in tears over the simplest of things. The stress is complicating my

health issues now too. All I want is my life back without having to abandon my

mother at the same time. Is that possible? At this point it doesn't look that

way.

>

> After a number of conversations with my friend he has determined mom has had

bpd all of my life, possibly all of hers. Mom has no idea she has a " problem "

because she believes she is the normal one and everyone else around her has the

problems. Mom has almost no friends, and the few she has managed to make work

hard to keep her at arm's length for their own sanity. I love my mother, so it

hurts me to say honestly that she is " invasive " ... and driving me crazy!

>

> Mom was recently widowed (July 2010) and left alone with a large dog, 3 large

parrots, 40 barn cats, and a 32 acre mess from 25+ yrs of her and my step

father's hoarding lifestyle. The only family mom has left is me and my younger

sister, and my sister has opted out of mom's life over the past few years.

(thats not completely a bad thing) That leaves me as mom's lifeline and she

holds on with an iron fist.

>

> I am about to be 41 yrs old in a few weeks and lately I feel like I am a 10 yr

old child having to play the parenting role. Its awful, and that is putting it

mildly. Mom has invaded every corner of my life and isn't happy unless she is

controlling my every move, all the way down to when I sleep and even when I use

the bathroom. (yes its really that bad) When she is angry mom is very

vindictive and holds a grudge forever. She is still angry and often complains

about things that happened to her over 50 yrs ago, ranting about her father (my

grandpa whom I was very close to and love very much) who has been dead for over

25 yrs now. Mom has no ability to move forward in her life, just deals with

things as they happen to her. I have never known a more negative person in my

life.

>

> Mom is abusive, verbally and emotionally. When she is angry she starts by

cutting the person out of her life completely, then begins plotting and talking

to others about the revenge she seeks. In my case, when mom is angry, it is

handled in way of punishments... yes, she still punishes me whenever I don't do

her bidding, she is very constructive and creative in that way. Mom has few

moments in her life where she isn't extremely angry at someone, deserved or not.

Because she is now completely alone, I carry the load for her pity parties,

ranting anger towards whomever it is that day, constant demands of my time and

energy, and her insistence that she is " mom " therefore it is her duty to run my

life the way she believes it should be run... the only right way... her way. In

mom's world there are only 2 ways, the right way (her way) and the wrong way

(anyone else's way). Anyone who doesn't agree with her on everything, listen to

everything she tells them to do, and allow her the control she seeks over them

and their lives, is the enemy. In my case, it goes a bit deeper... either I

agree with her, which means I love her, or I don't, which means I don't love

her. If I don't love her then she has no point in living anymore and I am " just

as bad as the rest of them " which is reason for punishment.

>

> Mom is extreme in everything and gets quite upset when I don't follow her

traits in my own life. I have so many stories to share, just to get them out, I

don't even know where to begin. I have almost 41 yrs of " baggage " I have been

carrying around with nobody to really share it with. When I tell someone about

mom they disappear from my life or keep a safe distance most of the time. My

psychotherapist friend told me he has heard many horror stories of abuse,

neglect, etc. yet my story is the worst he's ever heard. (and he only knows a

very small portion of it at this point)

>

> I spent the first 17 yrs of my life trying to escape an abusive home.

(abusive parents and abusive sister, verbally, emotionally, and physically) The

next 2 yrs were consumed with marrying an abusive psychopath (he was my way out

of an abusive home... backfired horribly), divorce from him, and 2 children.

The next 7 yrs were spent with my 2nd husband & children battling and hiding

from my 1st husband. The next 10 yrs were spent running away from my family

again, trying to find myself and make a life for myself and my children where

the abuse couldn't touch me. I managed to accomplish my goal during that 10

yrs, even though I lived with another abusive partner during that time.

>

> My final escape came about 6 yrs ago, my 3rd husband. (yes, I know, it took

me a long time to get it right) My current husband is loving, supportive, and

worth the long wait... however, I now have mom back in my life and she is

tearing me apart on a personal level, which is affecting the wonderful life my

husband & I have created for ourselves with my youngest child who is only 14 yrs

old. 6 yrs ago I thought I had found peace. I was wrong.

>

> Since my step father died in July mom has been unbearable and I just don't

know what to do anymore. She demands that I check on her nightly to make sure

she's still alive, because she's alone. These nightly " mom-sitting " sessions

are usually online because I prefer it to the phone, as it allows me a little

more freedom to keep my sanity in check while she is ranting. There are times

she doesn't show up in chat, to which I am then obligated to call her. The

chats last hours until she is ready to let me go to bed, and they don't start

until my family is in bed. Mom insists on having me to herself. If she

suspects anyone is talking to me while we chat she throws a tantrum. I have not

been allowed to go to bed to sleep with my husband in over a year now. By the

time my chats with mom end at night it is often 2 - 3am, by which time I am so

stressed I am wide awake and unable to sleep until 6-7am when my family is just

waking up to start their day. Many mornings by 10 - 11am mom is calling for the

first of many times in a day. Some days she keeps me on the phone for up to 6

hrs at a time, which means my whole day is gone before I am " free " to go about

my day, and by then I am emotionally exhausted. To tell mom either on the phone

or in chat that I need to go is a difficult task because she refuses to hear it.

She will talk over the top of me or ignore what I have said and just keep

talking. If I try to break in she talks faster to stop me. If I make her angry

then she yells at me about how I don't love her, hangs up, and refuses to speak

to me for days, sometimes weeks (unless she feels desperate before that). When

she gets past her anger at me she will then call me on the phone and complain

that I didn't call her sooner, even though I had left her messages daily on her

voicemail and answering machine.. and then the cycle begins again like nothing

ever happened.

>

> Mom is very manipulative and will do whatever it takes to get what she wants,

the way she wants it. The worst was a night when she purposely let herself fall

down the basement stairs and hurt herself quite badly... because I couldn't call

her that night. That was her proof that I had to call EVERY night because

something could happen to her with nobody around to help her.

>

> As you can probably tell by now, I am a mess. I am in tears just typing this

post to the group. I feel as if my wonderful life has been sucked away and I

have been powerless to stop it or to get it back. What am I seeking? Hope.

Help. Understanding... a safe place to get all of this garbage out of my head

so I can SLEEP. I am soooo tired. Advice on how to handle mom without facing

the consequences she is famous for? That would be a blessing if anything

worked. I have run out of ideas, my husband has run out of ideas, my in laws

want me to have mom forcibly committed, and my children miss me. I have known

great desperation at various times in my life, but never anything like this

before.

>

> Is there hope?

>

> Thanks for listening.

>

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Hi there. No body minds long letters and if they do, they can choose not to

read them so don't apologize. :) Anuria had a great suggestion with

" Co-Dependent No More. " Some additional ones, " Stop Walking on Egg Shells " and

" The Big Red Book " from Adult Children of Alcoholics. These 3 books alone are

good in helping you get a grip on the symptoms of abuse that you are most

definitely suffering.

Let me tell you something, you have a right to be here, to make your own choices

and decisions without your mom's interference or commentary and you have the

right to be free from her abuse. Now, free from her abuse may require some

creativity on your part if you are going to maintain contact. you have to

realize the things she says and does are about her and not you. When she goes

off on her rants, imagine she is ranting from the window of an insane asylum in

a straight jacket--consider the source and take nothing she says personally no

matter how exacting she is in hurting you in your most vulnerable points.

As Anuria said, make a plan and set boundaries. Keep them. I know that you

would prefer your husband and children over a life-time of abuse, right? So,

start setting boundaries with your mom and honoring yourself, your husband and

your children first before the abusive momma. Tell your mom that you can't talk

to her after the family is in bed because you need your sleep. She can talk to

you between 6 and 7 in the evenings or wait until the morning between 10 and

noon. Set those boundaries and keep them for your sake. Those boundaries are

not set to hurt her no matter what she says. Stop Walking on Egg Shells gives

you some good tips for how to handle conversations with a BPD or someone with

those tendencies. Read it and understand. Never mind the guilt trips laid by

your mother, those are about manipulation and control because she knows you love

her. Start saying no. It's simple. You don't have to defend or explain your

no, just say no. Try it with little things and work your way up until you get

more comfortable.

If you can find ACOA meetings either on line or in your town, go. You'd be

amazed at what a loving group that can be and how much it helps knowing others

have survived abuse and are surviving continued attempts at abuse. There are

ways to heal and take your life back. If you can see a counselor, do it. It's

worth every penny. If you can't, ACOA is free. No charge! Donations of a

dollar or two after your first 3 meetings but donations are not required.

Others can always make up for what you cannot provide and are happy to do it. :)

Try to shift your thoughts from reactive/negative to active/positive. You get to

control your thoughts and your actions. If mom does not respect a boundary of

" I'll be right back, I need to use the ladies room " just go and let her rant

away until you get back. Taking care of you is primary. If you don't feel up

to talking to her one night, tell her you have plans and you'll get back to her

the next day, if she rants, disconnect the conversation. You have the right to

terminate any conversation that makes you feel humiliated, violated and hurt

period. I don't care who your mom says she is. You can tell her you have to go

and don't explain...hang up the phone if you need to and turn it off. :)

Keep a journal for writing about the things you are grateful for. Keep a

positive journal - Maybe use the front for focusing on positive thoughts and the

back to work out the negative or challenging ones.

You were not put her to be a slave, a lackey, a servant or an abused child of a

grown woman. You were put her to live, find happiness and succeed in life. Go

back to doing things you love to do. Stop being a victim by enabling your mom's

bad behavior. You don't have to tell her off but you can say " I love you mom

but I'm doing this tonight. " If she falls down the stairs, that's just an

accident and it is not your fault. It's an accident and listen to no part of

the blame. Check on her when you want to, not because you are obligated. Do

you have older-adult services in your county or city? Call them and see what

kind of assistance they can offer. Maybe they can do a psych eval.

My nada is, I suspect, a BPD. I refuse contact, survived the guilt, the threats

of harm, the harrassment and even threatening to have my children taken away

because she called child protective services and said I was allowing my girls to

be sexually molested by a man I haven't seen in 3 years. Ridiculous! CPS never

even bothered to investigate. So, yeah, my nada saw red and wanted blood. She

didn't get it. I love her and I forgive her for the abuse I suffered as a

child. I figure, due to her mental illness, she probably didn't know any better

than to neglect and verbally/physically abuse two kids she didn't seem to want.

But, as an adult, I refuse to be her banker, slave, loan officer, punching bag

(verbally), the object of her manipulation. I warned her, stop the abusive

behavior and get yourself help. She said I was the problem so I said " fine,

don't contact me any more. " I kicked her out of my home for abusing me and my

children verbally. I offered to take her to rehab but she wouldn't go and for

that she called everyone she could to threaten me, she lied to the family, to

friends and to the police (who by the way left frustrated with my mother for

filing false charges). I kept recordings of her threats, kept copies of her

threats in writing and actually filed a restraining order. So, yeah, this stuff

sucks but nothing felt better than taking my life back and refusing to be her

hero, refusing to try to win the love of a woman I would NEVER have. I mourned

her and let her go. Contact from her now still hurts so I do avoid it at all

costs. When she finds my telephone number, I change it within minutes. When

she finds my address, I move. My sanity is more important to me than

maintaining a relationship with a sick woman who refuses treatment.

I got long winded on ya - see, it happens. Any how, do hold on to hope, you CAN

take your life back, you CAN set healthy boundaries and you CAN heal from this.

Welcome to gaining some sanity back! I wish you the very best!

Jaie

>

> Hi everyone! I hope nobody here minds long notes/letters. I have so much to

get out and nowhere else to go with this.

>

> Recently I befriended a psychotherapist who has tried to help me in his

limited " off " time. He is wonderful but just doesn't have the time to devote to

what I need. He suggested I seek out a support group because I am at a point

where I fear for my own sanity.

>

> I don't sleep much anymore, I eat very little, have various health issues and

cannot drive, and feel like a slave to my mother and her life. The stress has

escalated so much over the past year that it is becoming unbearable and I find

myself in tears over the simplest of things. The stress is complicating my

health issues now too. All I want is my life back without having to abandon my

mother at the same time. Is that possible? At this point it doesn't look that

way.

>

> After a number of conversations with my friend he has determined mom has had

bpd all of my life, possibly all of hers. Mom has no idea she has a " problem "

because she believes she is the normal one and everyone else around her has the

problems. Mom has almost no friends, and the few she has managed to make work

hard to keep her at arm's length for their own sanity. I love my mother, so it

hurts me to say honestly that she is " invasive " ... and driving me crazy!

>

> Mom was recently widowed (July 2010) and left alone with a large dog, 3 large

parrots, 40 barn cats, and a 32 acre mess from 25+ yrs of her and my step

father's hoarding lifestyle. The only family mom has left is me and my younger

sister, and my sister has opted out of mom's life over the past few years.

(thats not completely a bad thing) That leaves me as mom's lifeline and she

holds on with an iron fist.

>

> I am about to be 41 yrs old in a few weeks and lately I feel like I am a 10 yr

old child having to play the parenting role. Its awful, and that is putting it

mildly. Mom has invaded every corner of my life and isn't happy unless she is

controlling my every move, all the way down to when I sleep and even when I use

the bathroom. (yes its really that bad) When she is angry mom is very

vindictive and holds a grudge forever. She is still angry and often complains

about things that happened to her over 50 yrs ago, ranting about her father (my

grandpa whom I was very close to and love very much) who has been dead for over

25 yrs now. Mom has no ability to move forward in her life, just deals with

things as they happen to her. I have never known a more negative person in my

life.

>

> Mom is abusive, verbally and emotionally. When she is angry she starts by

cutting the person out of her life completely, then begins plotting and talking

to others about the revenge she seeks. In my case, when mom is angry, it is

handled in way of punishments... yes, she still punishes me whenever I don't do

her bidding, she is very constructive and creative in that way. Mom has few

moments in her life where she isn't extremely angry at someone, deserved or not.

Because she is now completely alone, I carry the load for her pity parties,

ranting anger towards whomever it is that day, constant demands of my time and

energy, and her insistence that she is " mom " therefore it is her duty to run my

life the way she believes it should be run... the only right way... her way. In

mom's world there are only 2 ways, the right way (her way) and the wrong way

(anyone else's way). Anyone who doesn't agree with her on everything, listen to

everything she tells them to do, and allow her the control she seeks over them

and their lives, is the enemy. In my case, it goes a bit deeper... either I

agree with her, which means I love her, or I don't, which means I don't love

her. If I don't love her then she has no point in living anymore and I am " just

as bad as the rest of them " which is reason for punishment.

>

> Mom is extreme in everything and gets quite upset when I don't follow her

traits in my own life. I have so many stories to share, just to get them out, I

don't even know where to begin. I have almost 41 yrs of " baggage " I have been

carrying around with nobody to really share it with. When I tell someone about

mom they disappear from my life or keep a safe distance most of the time. My

psychotherapist friend told me he has heard many horror stories of abuse,

neglect, etc. yet my story is the worst he's ever heard. (and he only knows a

very small portion of it at this point)

>

> I spent the first 17 yrs of my life trying to escape an abusive home.

(abusive parents and abusive sister, verbally, emotionally, and physically) The

next 2 yrs were consumed with marrying an abusive psychopath (he was my way out

of an abusive home... backfired horribly), divorce from him, and 2 children.

The next 7 yrs were spent with my 2nd husband & children battling and hiding

from my 1st husband. The next 10 yrs were spent running away from my family

again, trying to find myself and make a life for myself and my children where

the abuse couldn't touch me. I managed to accomplish my goal during that 10

yrs, even though I lived with another abusive partner during that time.

>

> My final escape came about 6 yrs ago, my 3rd husband. (yes, I know, it took

me a long time to get it right) My current husband is loving, supportive, and

worth the long wait... however, I now have mom back in my life and she is

tearing me apart on a personal level, which is affecting the wonderful life my

husband & I have created for ourselves with my youngest child who is only 14 yrs

old. 6 yrs ago I thought I had found peace. I was wrong.

>

> Since my step father died in July mom has been unbearable and I just don't

know what to do anymore. She demands that I check on her nightly to make sure

she's still alive, because she's alone. These nightly " mom-sitting " sessions

are usually online because I prefer it to the phone, as it allows me a little

more freedom to keep my sanity in check while she is ranting. There are times

she doesn't show up in chat, to which I am then obligated to call her. The

chats last hours until she is ready to let me go to bed, and they don't start

until my family is in bed. Mom insists on having me to herself. If she

suspects anyone is talking to me while we chat she throws a tantrum. I have not

been allowed to go to bed to sleep with my husband in over a year now. By the

time my chats with mom end at night it is often 2 - 3am, by which time I am so

stressed I am wide awake and unable to sleep until 6-7am when my family is just

waking up to start their day. Many mornings by 10 - 11am mom is calling for the

first of many times in a day. Some days she keeps me on the phone for up to 6

hrs at a time, which means my whole day is gone before I am " free " to go about

my day, and by then I am emotionally exhausted. To tell mom either on the phone

or in chat that I need to go is a difficult task because she refuses to hear it.

She will talk over the top of me or ignore what I have said and just keep

talking. If I try to break in she talks faster to stop me. If I make her angry

then she yells at me about how I don't love her, hangs up, and refuses to speak

to me for days, sometimes weeks (unless she feels desperate before that). When

she gets past her anger at me she will then call me on the phone and complain

that I didn't call her sooner, even though I had left her messages daily on her

voicemail and answering machine.. and then the cycle begins again like nothing

ever happened.

>

> Mom is very manipulative and will do whatever it takes to get what she wants,

the way she wants it. The worst was a night when she purposely let herself fall

down the basement stairs and hurt herself quite badly... because I couldn't call

her that night. That was her proof that I had to call EVERY night because

something could happen to her with nobody around to help her.

>

> As you can probably tell by now, I am a mess. I am in tears just typing this

post to the group. I feel as if my wonderful life has been sucked away and I

have been powerless to stop it or to get it back. What am I seeking? Hope.

Help. Understanding... a safe place to get all of this garbage out of my head

so I can SLEEP. I am soooo tired. Advice on how to handle mom without facing

the consequences she is famous for? That would be a blessing if anything

worked. I have run out of ideas, my husband has run out of ideas, my in laws

want me to have mom forcibly committed, and my children miss me. I have known

great desperation at various times in my life, but never anything like this

before.

>

> Is there hope?

>

> Thanks for listening.

>

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Posted
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Hi there. No body minds long letters and if they do, they can choose not to

read them so don't apologize. :) Anuria had a great suggestion with

" Co-Dependent No More. " Some additional ones, " Stop Walking on Egg Shells " and

" The Big Red Book " from Adult Children of Alcoholics. These 3 books alone are

good in helping you get a grip on the symptoms of abuse that you are most

definitely suffering.

Let me tell you something, you have a right to be here, to make your own choices

and decisions without your mom's interference or commentary and you have the

right to be free from her abuse. Now, free from her abuse may require some

creativity on your part if you are going to maintain contact. you have to

realize the things she says and does are about her and not you. When she goes

off on her rants, imagine she is ranting from the window of an insane asylum in

a straight jacket--consider the source and take nothing she says personally no

matter how exacting she is in hurting you in your most vulnerable points.

As Anuria said, make a plan and set boundaries. Keep them. I know that you

would prefer your husband and children over a life-time of abuse, right? So,

start setting boundaries with your mom and honoring yourself, your husband and

your children first before the abusive momma. Tell your mom that you can't talk

to her after the family is in bed because you need your sleep. She can talk to

you between 6 and 7 in the evenings or wait until the morning between 10 and

noon. Set those boundaries and keep them for your sake. Those boundaries are

not set to hurt her no matter what she says. Stop Walking on Egg Shells gives

you some good tips for how to handle conversations with a BPD or someone with

those tendencies. Read it and understand. Never mind the guilt trips laid by

your mother, those are about manipulation and control because she knows you love

her. Start saying no. It's simple. You don't have to defend or explain your

no, just say no. Try it with little things and work your way up until you get

more comfortable.

If you can find ACOA meetings either on line or in your town, go. You'd be

amazed at what a loving group that can be and how much it helps knowing others

have survived abuse and are surviving continued attempts at abuse. There are

ways to heal and take your life back. If you can see a counselor, do it. It's

worth every penny. If you can't, ACOA is free. No charge! Donations of a

dollar or two after your first 3 meetings but donations are not required.

Others can always make up for what you cannot provide and are happy to do it. :)

Try to shift your thoughts from reactive/negative to active/positive. You get to

control your thoughts and your actions. If mom does not respect a boundary of

" I'll be right back, I need to use the ladies room " just go and let her rant

away until you get back. Taking care of you is primary. If you don't feel up

to talking to her one night, tell her you have plans and you'll get back to her

the next day, if she rants, disconnect the conversation. You have the right to

terminate any conversation that makes you feel humiliated, violated and hurt

period. I don't care who your mom says she is. You can tell her you have to go

and don't explain...hang up the phone if you need to and turn it off. :)

Keep a journal for writing about the things you are grateful for. Keep a

positive journal - Maybe use the front for focusing on positive thoughts and the

back to work out the negative or challenging ones.

You were not put her to be a slave, a lackey, a servant or an abused child of a

grown woman. You were put her to live, find happiness and succeed in life. Go

back to doing things you love to do. Stop being a victim by enabling your mom's

bad behavior. You don't have to tell her off but you can say " I love you mom

but I'm doing this tonight. " If she falls down the stairs, that's just an

accident and it is not your fault. It's an accident and listen to no part of

the blame. Check on her when you want to, not because you are obligated. Do

you have older-adult services in your county or city? Call them and see what

kind of assistance they can offer. Maybe they can do a psych eval.

My nada is, I suspect, a BPD. I refuse contact, survived the guilt, the threats

of harm, the harrassment and even threatening to have my children taken away

because she called child protective services and said I was allowing my girls to

be sexually molested by a man I haven't seen in 3 years. Ridiculous! CPS never

even bothered to investigate. So, yeah, my nada saw red and wanted blood. She

didn't get it. I love her and I forgive her for the abuse I suffered as a

child. I figure, due to her mental illness, she probably didn't know any better

than to neglect and verbally/physically abuse two kids she didn't seem to want.

But, as an adult, I refuse to be her banker, slave, loan officer, punching bag

(verbally), the object of her manipulation. I warned her, stop the abusive

behavior and get yourself help. She said I was the problem so I said " fine,

don't contact me any more. " I kicked her out of my home for abusing me and my

children verbally. I offered to take her to rehab but she wouldn't go and for

that she called everyone she could to threaten me, she lied to the family, to

friends and to the police (who by the way left frustrated with my mother for

filing false charges). I kept recordings of her threats, kept copies of her

threats in writing and actually filed a restraining order. So, yeah, this stuff

sucks but nothing felt better than taking my life back and refusing to be her

hero, refusing to try to win the love of a woman I would NEVER have. I mourned

her and let her go. Contact from her now still hurts so I do avoid it at all

costs. When she finds my telephone number, I change it within minutes. When

she finds my address, I move. My sanity is more important to me than

maintaining a relationship with a sick woman who refuses treatment.

I got long winded on ya - see, it happens. Any how, do hold on to hope, you CAN

take your life back, you CAN set healthy boundaries and you CAN heal from this.

Welcome to gaining some sanity back! I wish you the very best!

Jaie

>

> Hi everyone! I hope nobody here minds long notes/letters. I have so much to

get out and nowhere else to go with this.

>

> Recently I befriended a psychotherapist who has tried to help me in his

limited " off " time. He is wonderful but just doesn't have the time to devote to

what I need. He suggested I seek out a support group because I am at a point

where I fear for my own sanity.

>

> I don't sleep much anymore, I eat very little, have various health issues and

cannot drive, and feel like a slave to my mother and her life. The stress has

escalated so much over the past year that it is becoming unbearable and I find

myself in tears over the simplest of things. The stress is complicating my

health issues now too. All I want is my life back without having to abandon my

mother at the same time. Is that possible? At this point it doesn't look that

way.

>

> After a number of conversations with my friend he has determined mom has had

bpd all of my life, possibly all of hers. Mom has no idea she has a " problem "

because she believes she is the normal one and everyone else around her has the

problems. Mom has almost no friends, and the few she has managed to make work

hard to keep her at arm's length for their own sanity. I love my mother, so it

hurts me to say honestly that she is " invasive " ... and driving me crazy!

>

> Mom was recently widowed (July 2010) and left alone with a large dog, 3 large

parrots, 40 barn cats, and a 32 acre mess from 25+ yrs of her and my step

father's hoarding lifestyle. The only family mom has left is me and my younger

sister, and my sister has opted out of mom's life over the past few years.

(thats not completely a bad thing) That leaves me as mom's lifeline and she

holds on with an iron fist.

>

> I am about to be 41 yrs old in a few weeks and lately I feel like I am a 10 yr

old child having to play the parenting role. Its awful, and that is putting it

mildly. Mom has invaded every corner of my life and isn't happy unless she is

controlling my every move, all the way down to when I sleep and even when I use

the bathroom. (yes its really that bad) When she is angry mom is very

vindictive and holds a grudge forever. She is still angry and often complains

about things that happened to her over 50 yrs ago, ranting about her father (my

grandpa whom I was very close to and love very much) who has been dead for over

25 yrs now. Mom has no ability to move forward in her life, just deals with

things as they happen to her. I have never known a more negative person in my

life.

>

> Mom is abusive, verbally and emotionally. When she is angry she starts by

cutting the person out of her life completely, then begins plotting and talking

to others about the revenge she seeks. In my case, when mom is angry, it is

handled in way of punishments... yes, she still punishes me whenever I don't do

her bidding, she is very constructive and creative in that way. Mom has few

moments in her life where she isn't extremely angry at someone, deserved or not.

Because she is now completely alone, I carry the load for her pity parties,

ranting anger towards whomever it is that day, constant demands of my time and

energy, and her insistence that she is " mom " therefore it is her duty to run my

life the way she believes it should be run... the only right way... her way. In

mom's world there are only 2 ways, the right way (her way) and the wrong way

(anyone else's way). Anyone who doesn't agree with her on everything, listen to

everything she tells them to do, and allow her the control she seeks over them

and their lives, is the enemy. In my case, it goes a bit deeper... either I

agree with her, which means I love her, or I don't, which means I don't love

her. If I don't love her then she has no point in living anymore and I am " just

as bad as the rest of them " which is reason for punishment.

>

> Mom is extreme in everything and gets quite upset when I don't follow her

traits in my own life. I have so many stories to share, just to get them out, I

don't even know where to begin. I have almost 41 yrs of " baggage " I have been

carrying around with nobody to really share it with. When I tell someone about

mom they disappear from my life or keep a safe distance most of the time. My

psychotherapist friend told me he has heard many horror stories of abuse,

neglect, etc. yet my story is the worst he's ever heard. (and he only knows a

very small portion of it at this point)

>

> I spent the first 17 yrs of my life trying to escape an abusive home.

(abusive parents and abusive sister, verbally, emotionally, and physically) The

next 2 yrs were consumed with marrying an abusive psychopath (he was my way out

of an abusive home... backfired horribly), divorce from him, and 2 children.

The next 7 yrs were spent with my 2nd husband & children battling and hiding

from my 1st husband. The next 10 yrs were spent running away from my family

again, trying to find myself and make a life for myself and my children where

the abuse couldn't touch me. I managed to accomplish my goal during that 10

yrs, even though I lived with another abusive partner during that time.

>

> My final escape came about 6 yrs ago, my 3rd husband. (yes, I know, it took

me a long time to get it right) My current husband is loving, supportive, and

worth the long wait... however, I now have mom back in my life and she is

tearing me apart on a personal level, which is affecting the wonderful life my

husband & I have created for ourselves with my youngest child who is only 14 yrs

old. 6 yrs ago I thought I had found peace. I was wrong.

>

> Since my step father died in July mom has been unbearable and I just don't

know what to do anymore. She demands that I check on her nightly to make sure

she's still alive, because she's alone. These nightly " mom-sitting " sessions

are usually online because I prefer it to the phone, as it allows me a little

more freedom to keep my sanity in check while she is ranting. There are times

she doesn't show up in chat, to which I am then obligated to call her. The

chats last hours until she is ready to let me go to bed, and they don't start

until my family is in bed. Mom insists on having me to herself. If she

suspects anyone is talking to me while we chat she throws a tantrum. I have not

been allowed to go to bed to sleep with my husband in over a year now. By the

time my chats with mom end at night it is often 2 - 3am, by which time I am so

stressed I am wide awake and unable to sleep until 6-7am when my family is just

waking up to start their day. Many mornings by 10 - 11am mom is calling for the

first of many times in a day. Some days she keeps me on the phone for up to 6

hrs at a time, which means my whole day is gone before I am " free " to go about

my day, and by then I am emotionally exhausted. To tell mom either on the phone

or in chat that I need to go is a difficult task because she refuses to hear it.

She will talk over the top of me or ignore what I have said and just keep

talking. If I try to break in she talks faster to stop me. If I make her angry

then she yells at me about how I don't love her, hangs up, and refuses to speak

to me for days, sometimes weeks (unless she feels desperate before that). When

she gets past her anger at me she will then call me on the phone and complain

that I didn't call her sooner, even though I had left her messages daily on her

voicemail and answering machine.. and then the cycle begins again like nothing

ever happened.

>

> Mom is very manipulative and will do whatever it takes to get what she wants,

the way she wants it. The worst was a night when she purposely let herself fall

down the basement stairs and hurt herself quite badly... because I couldn't call

her that night. That was her proof that I had to call EVERY night because

something could happen to her with nobody around to help her.

>

> As you can probably tell by now, I am a mess. I am in tears just typing this

post to the group. I feel as if my wonderful life has been sucked away and I

have been powerless to stop it or to get it back. What am I seeking? Hope.

Help. Understanding... a safe place to get all of this garbage out of my head

so I can SLEEP. I am soooo tired. Advice on how to handle mom without facing

the consequences she is famous for? That would be a blessing if anything

worked. I have run out of ideas, my husband has run out of ideas, my in laws

want me to have mom forcibly committed, and my children miss me. I have known

great desperation at various times in my life, but never anything like this

before.

>

> Is there hope?

>

> Thanks for listening.

>

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Thank you everyone for your warm welcome. Discovering that my nada is bpd is

still just sinking in for me, so I ask for your patience with me, please. I

have always described to others that she is " different " and " difficult " ... was

never able to put a name to it before... so for me this is very different,

though it is also comforting to me, knowing for sure that I'm not the one with

the problem.

There is so much to say, its going to take a while before my entire situation is

revealed here, so again, I ask for patience.

The thought of cutting her out of my life is just not possible right now.

Illness or not, I do feel some sense of responsibility to caring for her since

there is nobody else to do it. She has isolated herself from the world over the

past 20+ yrs and I would feel horrible if something happened to her because I

didn't take care of her to some degree. I help to take care of my in laws

(wonderful and loving people they are) for the same reason I take care of

nada... they are my parents and I love them. THAT is an example I set for my

children, knowing that some day the tables will turn and I will be the elderly

parent. I don't have the same issues in my relationships with my own children,

thankfully, but it is in part because of these morals and values I raised them

with.

With that said, there was a time when I did cut her out of my life, and yes, I

remember how my life was without her presence, and I did feel guilty that I

didn't miss her and the insanity she brought to my life. I cut her out for 10

yrs, but at that time my sister and my step father were around to take care of

her. With them gone, the situation has changed for me. At the moment me and my

husband are counting days because the boundaries I know need to be set yet again

with her simply have to wait until we can get her moved into a house she can

care for on her own without our help. A 32 acre mess would be impossible for me

alone, so I know for sure there is just no way possible she can handle it... and

someone must. But, in order for me to do the things I know need to be done, and

in order for me to get her settled so I don't have to take care of her so often,

I have to put up with the bps issues. With her there is no other way, and that

is what is making me crazy.

You know how the saying goes, if you have something and lose it you miss it, but

if you have never had it then you can't miss it? That is how it has been for me

with my freedom from my nada and her illness. 10 yrs of peace from it really

had a huge impact on my life, all in good ways... and now that its been gone for

a couple of yrs, I miss it all the more.

I am hoping I can learn some coping skills from those of you here in the group,

enough to get me through this bad time until I can once again take control of

the situation the way I want and need to. I have some very specific questions I

will be asking, looking for any/all advice I can get. When answering me, I ask

that you please keep in mind that the situation being what it is right now, I am

sort of stuck with her... and there really is no way around that yet. I am

hoping to get enough control over the situation eventually so I don't have to

cut her off completely, but just put enough distance between us again that I can

find my own peace of mind once more.

There are some boundaries I would love to set right now, but I am unsure of how

to enact them without her cutting me off... which leaves her stranded and in an

even worse situation. Yes, I understand its the manipulation game... I know it

so well I can predict what she's going to do and say long before she does it. I

had to prove that to my husband before he finally trusted me when I made the

predictions, and listened to me a bit more intensely. Hubby is great, doesn't

mind sitting with me to try to find solutions that are feasible in the current

situation. I play Devil's advocate during these times, offering him all of her

excuses and " reasoning " until we find something that she just can't argue... and

then that is what I use on her. He is quite creative, I know I am lucky to have

him in my life, and since he is my 3rd husband, I know that most men out there

are not so understanding or compassionate. I've had plenty of those in my past.

The phone calls, late night chats, and bedtime situation are probably my biggest

concern at the moment. I am exhausted, physically and emotionally. The stress

is going to kill me if I don't get a grip on this soon, I know that for sure.

I liked all of the suggestions that were offered so far, but those have all been

tried and failed to date. Turning my phone off only brings the police to my

door because my nada is convinced that if she knows I'm home and don't answer my

phone that means something MUST be very wrong, therefore she sends them to check

on me. (She also calls my in laws, which has created stress within the family

that they can't deal with.) As you can imagine, this doesn't make them (the

cops) very happy... so I avoid it. The last time it happened I was told by them

that I would also receive a fine because I am partly to blame... their solution,

just answer my phone. The only way for me to avoid the fine would have been to

get a restraining order against her..., which I not only can't afford, but would

never get in the courts around here. I tried for years to get one against my

1st husband but was told by judge after judge that they were refusing me because

" he hadn't hurt me yet " that they could see... it was all harassment and

threats, but nothing that left any physical marks that I could prove. It took

me 13 yrs before I got creative enough to get rid of him without one. Some day

I'll tell you all that story, it will make everyone here laugh til they cry.

I have tried so many methods of controlling the nighttime situation, but nothing

so far has worked long term. At most it buys me a night or 2 of relief and then

the pattern starts over again. One of these efforts was the one I already

mentioned with her " throwing herself " down the basement stairs so she was

injured and needed medical attention that she refused to get.

I have tried to be a bit more compassionate with her over the past 6 months

because I know that not all of this stems from the bpd, some of it comes from

being recently widowed. Its just a very difficult balancing act because the bpd

plays such a big role. I have tried to keep these 2 issues of hers separate

because I know that being widowed will bring on an overwhelming amount of grief

in itself, and I do wish to help her through that. I have tried to find her

support groups for that, but the only thing I've been able to find local to her

is set up more like single's meeting places rather than a support group such as

this one... where people can just go and share their pain and help each other

through it. Meeting someone new/hooking up is not something she wants or needs

in her life at present.

Now... how to control the late nights without her cutting me off completely or

hurting herself out of her imagined desperation? I already do enforce some

things with her, and whether she likes it or not, thats just how it has to be.

My husband offers quite often to let me use him as a scapegoat/excuse for the

limits I've set, but I don't like to do that either because I'm not fond of

dishonesty in any form for any reason. I did however take him up on his offer

for his own benefit, and is how I enacted the online chats at night instead of

the all night long phone calls that were waking him up on work nights, and

leaving him too exhausted for his long drives to work in the morning. She is

not allowed to call my house beyond 11pm at night unless it is a life or death

emergency. She has respected this so far, but it has made the online chat

situation harder for me to control. I can actually feel her desperation anytime

I try to pull back or put space between us, she goes into an outright panic

attack. With nobody around to look out for her physical well being except me,

if an ambulance is called, that means a 2 1/2 - 3 hr drive for me and hubby to

get to the hospital. (yes, we moved away from the city in part to get away from

her... I can't handle living too close to her anymore)

So, again, I feel stuck... and she knows that I am the only one for a dr or

hospital to call, so I don't put it past her to push that to the limit too if

she felt it necessary. That would be worse for me than the chats and phone

calls, and worse for my husband and daughter, too. I don't see my being her

emergency contact something that will change before she dies. State law

requires that whoever is next of kin is responsible for an elderly parent, and

at almost 61 yrs old now, my nada qualifies as such. With me being the oldest

of 2 siblings, it falls on me, not that my sister would lift a finger anyways.

That does leave me legally responsible for her, also not a real comforting

thought. My nada is a lot of things, but smart is definitely mixed in there

too. I have suspected that she has made me her sole beneficiary only to ensure

I can't legally get away from her. I tell her almost daily that I don't want

her money or her " things " , just want her in my life so we can love each other

while we have each other... but it still has not yet sunk in. She can't seem to

understand how someone can live their life without wanting other people's

things, without the greed bug that is so predominant in today's society. I am

much more a simplistic person, and while I do have some attachment to " things "

for sentimental reasons, " things " are not a big or important part of my life. I

like " simple " .

One thing I have noticed is the respect issue, which plays a huge part in how

she treats me. I seem to be the only person in the world she has no respect

for, no matter how much I demand it. She shows more respect for my sister who

has hurt her repeatedly, stolen from her, and in general treated her like crap

her whole life. She respects my husband... which is how I get any respect from

her at all, since it directly affects me. If she thinks she is putting my

husband out, hurting him in some way, etc. she sets her own extreme limits for

his benefit... it just does not carry over to pertain to me. This is why he

offers himself up as scapegoat so often, it is something we both see clearly in

her. Once those limits are set, either by us or by her, she then begins the

task of finding " loopholes " to again invade and control me and my life. If I

tell nada that I need to go to bed with my husband it means nothing. If I tell

her he is standing here waiting for me to go to bed, thats different... most of

the time she gives in to that much sooner. During the week this doesn't work,

however, because she knows he is going to bed to sleep because he must be up so

early in the morning... there is no time for " private time " between us on those

nights. For weekends it works great at times, but she is only tolerant of

letting me go once in a while. If she's not feeling tolerant then of course she

is having chest pains... or getting too dizzy to stand up and is scared... which

then keeps me " holding her hand " until she says she feels better. To do

otherwise would mean she might have a heart attack, etc etc.. I'm sure you all

know that drill.

I tried to convince her to let me pay for a life alert system to be installed in

her house, especially since she is living alone and so secluded now... but she

refuses it. The last time I suggested it, her answer was " I don't need one,

thats what I have you for! " and proceeded to yell at me for hours on end about

it. She has flat out refused to let anyone into her house to install anything,

refused to install any units given to her... and refused to use them. That

would have been the perfect solution for my nighttime problems with her, and she

knew it... so wasn't about to let that happen.

The only time I have been really free of her for more than a few hrs is when I

go on vacation. It makes me not want to come home. We haven't been able to

take a vacation in the past 2 yrs, so my yearly 3 day relief has been absent,

which builds my stress levels. When she pitches a fit about my leaving for a

vacation I just let her rant until she runs out of steam, I don't let her stop

me and I don't make a zillion excuses for her. I'm going, thats it, thats how

its going to be. I did manage to level her a little bit on our last one by

having my daughter call her from out of state each night I was gone, for the

nightly checks. She and my oldest daughter do not get along, so they were short

calls that neither cherished, and it let nada know that I had my bases covered.

I don't warn her about those kinds of calls because I know she won't answer her

phone for them if she's expecting it... but it did teach her to stop hassling me

about not being able to go away because there was nobody to check on her. I

guess we can call that " giving it back " , huh? :-)

So... now that I have been up all night and am feeling like a zombie before a

busy days schedule... I am wondering, any other suggestions about taking back

the control over my nights so I can sleep and spend some much needed time with

my family?

Sleep now, I have time for a nap before the day begins... but I WILL be back.

This feels so good to get this stuff out where I don't feel like I'm dealing

with it alone anymore. Being here has already helped the stress a little bit.

Thank you to everyone for listening and responding, and for being so

understanding and nice about it! I wish I had found this group long ago... I

might have more sanity right now.

> >

> > Hi everyone! I hope nobody here minds long notes/letters. I have so much

to get out and nowhere else to go with this.

> >

> > Recently I befriended a psychotherapist who has tried to help me in his

limited " off " time. He is wonderful but just doesn't have the time to devote to

what I need. He suggested I seek out a support group because I am at a point

where I fear for my own sanity.

> >

> > I don't sleep much anymore, I eat very little, have various health issues

and cannot drive, and feel like a slave to my mother and her life. The stress

has escalated so much over the past year that it is becoming unbearable and I

find myself in tears over the simplest of things. The stress is complicating my

health issues now too. All I want is my life back without having to abandon my

mother at the same time. Is that possible? At this point it doesn't look that

way.

> >

> > After a number of conversations with my friend he has determined mom has had

bpd all of my life, possibly all of hers. Mom has no idea she has a " problem "

because she believes she is the normal one and everyone else around her has the

problems. Mom has almost no friends, and the few she has managed to make work

hard to keep her at arm's length for their own sanity. I love my mother, so it

hurts me to say honestly that she is " invasive " ... and driving me crazy!

> >

> > Mom was recently widowed (July 2010) and left alone with a large dog, 3

large parrots, 40 barn cats, and a 32 acre mess from 25+ yrs of her and my step

father's hoarding lifestyle. The only family mom has left is me and my younger

sister, and my sister has opted out of mom's life over the past few years.

(thats not completely a bad thing) That leaves me as mom's lifeline and she

holds on with an iron fist.

> >

> > I am about to be 41 yrs old in a few weeks and lately I feel like I am a 10

yr old child having to play the parenting role. Its awful, and that is putting

it mildly. Mom has invaded every corner of my life and isn't happy unless she

is controlling my every move, all the way down to when I sleep and even when I

use the bathroom. (yes its really that bad) When she is angry mom is very

vindictive and holds a grudge forever. She is still angry and often complains

about things that happened to her over 50 yrs ago, ranting about her father (my

grandpa whom I was very close to and love very much) who has been dead for over

25 yrs now. Mom has no ability to move forward in her life, just deals with

things as they happen to her. I have never known a more negative person in my

life.

> >

> > Mom is abusive, verbally and emotionally. When she is angry she starts by

cutting the person out of her life completely, then begins plotting and talking

to others about the revenge she seeks. In my case, when mom is angry, it is

handled in way of punishments... yes, she still punishes me whenever I don't do

her bidding, she is very constructive and creative in that way. Mom has few

moments in her life where she isn't extremely angry at someone, deserved or not.

Because she is now completely alone, I carry the load for her pity parties,

ranting anger towards whomever it is that day, constant demands of my time and

energy, and her insistence that she is " mom " therefore it is her duty to run my

life the way she believes it should be run... the only right way... her way. In

mom's world there are only 2 ways, the right way (her way) and the wrong way

(anyone else's way). Anyone who doesn't agree with her on everything, listen to

everything she tells them to do, and allow her the control she seeks over them

and their lives, is the enemy. In my case, it goes a bit deeper... either I

agree with her, which means I love her, or I don't, which means I don't love

her. If I don't love her then she has no point in living anymore and I am " just

as bad as the rest of them " which is reason for punishment.

> >

> > Mom is extreme in everything and gets quite upset when I don't follow her

traits in my own life. I have so many stories to share, just to get them out, I

don't even know where to begin. I have almost 41 yrs of " baggage " I have been

carrying around with nobody to really share it with. When I tell someone about

mom they disappear from my life or keep a safe distance most of the time. My

psychotherapist friend told me he has heard many horror stories of abuse,

neglect, etc. yet my story is the worst he's ever heard. (and he only knows a

very small portion of it at this point)

> >

> > I spent the first 17 yrs of my life trying to escape an abusive home.

(abusive parents and abusive sister, verbally, emotionally, and physically) The

next 2 yrs were consumed with marrying an abusive psychopath (he was my way out

of an abusive home... backfired horribly), divorce from him, and 2 children.

The next 7 yrs were spent with my 2nd husband & children battling and hiding

from my 1st husband. The next 10 yrs were spent running away from my family

again, trying to find myself and make a life for myself and my children where

the abuse couldn't touch me. I managed to accomplish my goal during that 10

yrs, even though I lived with another abusive partner during that time.

> >

> > My final escape came about 6 yrs ago, my 3rd husband. (yes, I know, it took

me a long time to get it right) My current husband is loving, supportive, and

worth the long wait... however, I now have mom back in my life and she is

tearing me apart on a personal level, which is affecting the wonderful life my

husband & I have created for ourselves with my youngest child who is only 14 yrs

old. 6 yrs ago I thought I had found peace. I was wrong.

> >

> > Since my step father died in July mom has been unbearable and I just don't

know what to do anymore. She demands that I check on her nightly to make sure

she's still alive, because she's alone. These nightly " mom-sitting " sessions

are usually online because I prefer it to the phone, as it allows me a little

more freedom to keep my sanity in check while she is ranting. There are times

she doesn't show up in chat, to which I am then obligated to call her. The

chats last hours until she is ready to let me go to bed, and they don't start

until my family is in bed. Mom insists on having me to herself. If she

suspects anyone is talking to me while we chat she throws a tantrum. I have not

been allowed to go to bed to sleep with my husband in over a year now. By the

time my chats with mom end at night it is often 2 - 3am, by which time I am so

stressed I am wide awake and unable to sleep until 6-7am when my family is just

waking up to start their day. Many mornings by 10 - 11am mom is calling for the

first of many times in a day. Some days she keeps me on the phone for up to 6

hrs at a time, which means my whole day is gone before I am " free " to go about

my day, and by then I am emotionally exhausted. To tell mom either on the phone

or in chat that I need to go is a difficult task because she refuses to hear it.

She will talk over the top of me or ignore what I have said and just keep

talking. If I try to break in she talks faster to stop me. If I make her angry

then she yells at me about how I don't love her, hangs up, and refuses to speak

to me for days, sometimes weeks (unless she feels desperate before that). When

she gets past her anger at me she will then call me on the phone and complain

that I didn't call her sooner, even though I had left her messages daily on her

voicemail and answering machine.. and then the cycle begins again like nothing

ever happened.

> >

> > Mom is very manipulative and will do whatever it takes to get what she

wants, the way she wants it. The worst was a night when she purposely let

herself fall down the basement stairs and hurt herself quite badly... because I

couldn't call her that night. That was her proof that I had to call EVERY night

because something could happen to her with nobody around to help her.

> >

> > As you can probably tell by now, I am a mess. I am in tears just typing

this post to the group. I feel as if my wonderful life has been sucked away and

I have been powerless to stop it or to get it back. What am I seeking? Hope.

Help. Understanding... a safe place to get all of this garbage out of my head

so I can SLEEP. I am soooo tired. Advice on how to handle mom without facing

the consequences she is famous for? That would be a blessing if anything

worked. I have run out of ideas, my husband has run out of ideas, my in laws

want me to have mom forcibly committed, and my children miss me. I have known

great desperation at various times in my life, but never anything like this

before.

> >

> > Is there hope?

> >

> > Thanks for listening.

> >

>

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Thank you everyone for your warm welcome. Discovering that my nada is bpd is

still just sinking in for me, so I ask for your patience with me, please. I

have always described to others that she is " different " and " difficult " ... was

never able to put a name to it before... so for me this is very different,

though it is also comforting to me, knowing for sure that I'm not the one with

the problem.

There is so much to say, its going to take a while before my entire situation is

revealed here, so again, I ask for patience.

The thought of cutting her out of my life is just not possible right now.

Illness or not, I do feel some sense of responsibility to caring for her since

there is nobody else to do it. She has isolated herself from the world over the

past 20+ yrs and I would feel horrible if something happened to her because I

didn't take care of her to some degree. I help to take care of my in laws

(wonderful and loving people they are) for the same reason I take care of

nada... they are my parents and I love them. THAT is an example I set for my

children, knowing that some day the tables will turn and I will be the elderly

parent. I don't have the same issues in my relationships with my own children,

thankfully, but it is in part because of these morals and values I raised them

with.

With that said, there was a time when I did cut her out of my life, and yes, I

remember how my life was without her presence, and I did feel guilty that I

didn't miss her and the insanity she brought to my life. I cut her out for 10

yrs, but at that time my sister and my step father were around to take care of

her. With them gone, the situation has changed for me. At the moment me and my

husband are counting days because the boundaries I know need to be set yet again

with her simply have to wait until we can get her moved into a house she can

care for on her own without our help. A 32 acre mess would be impossible for me

alone, so I know for sure there is just no way possible she can handle it... and

someone must. But, in order for me to do the things I know need to be done, and

in order for me to get her settled so I don't have to take care of her so often,

I have to put up with the bps issues. With her there is no other way, and that

is what is making me crazy.

You know how the saying goes, if you have something and lose it you miss it, but

if you have never had it then you can't miss it? That is how it has been for me

with my freedom from my nada and her illness. 10 yrs of peace from it really

had a huge impact on my life, all in good ways... and now that its been gone for

a couple of yrs, I miss it all the more.

I am hoping I can learn some coping skills from those of you here in the group,

enough to get me through this bad time until I can once again take control of

the situation the way I want and need to. I have some very specific questions I

will be asking, looking for any/all advice I can get. When answering me, I ask

that you please keep in mind that the situation being what it is right now, I am

sort of stuck with her... and there really is no way around that yet. I am

hoping to get enough control over the situation eventually so I don't have to

cut her off completely, but just put enough distance between us again that I can

find my own peace of mind once more.

There are some boundaries I would love to set right now, but I am unsure of how

to enact them without her cutting me off... which leaves her stranded and in an

even worse situation. Yes, I understand its the manipulation game... I know it

so well I can predict what she's going to do and say long before she does it. I

had to prove that to my husband before he finally trusted me when I made the

predictions, and listened to me a bit more intensely. Hubby is great, doesn't

mind sitting with me to try to find solutions that are feasible in the current

situation. I play Devil's advocate during these times, offering him all of her

excuses and " reasoning " until we find something that she just can't argue... and

then that is what I use on her. He is quite creative, I know I am lucky to have

him in my life, and since he is my 3rd husband, I know that most men out there

are not so understanding or compassionate. I've had plenty of those in my past.

The phone calls, late night chats, and bedtime situation are probably my biggest

concern at the moment. I am exhausted, physically and emotionally. The stress

is going to kill me if I don't get a grip on this soon, I know that for sure.

I liked all of the suggestions that were offered so far, but those have all been

tried and failed to date. Turning my phone off only brings the police to my

door because my nada is convinced that if she knows I'm home and don't answer my

phone that means something MUST be very wrong, therefore she sends them to check

on me. (She also calls my in laws, which has created stress within the family

that they can't deal with.) As you can imagine, this doesn't make them (the

cops) very happy... so I avoid it. The last time it happened I was told by them

that I would also receive a fine because I am partly to blame... their solution,

just answer my phone. The only way for me to avoid the fine would have been to

get a restraining order against her..., which I not only can't afford, but would

never get in the courts around here. I tried for years to get one against my

1st husband but was told by judge after judge that they were refusing me because

" he hadn't hurt me yet " that they could see... it was all harassment and

threats, but nothing that left any physical marks that I could prove. It took

me 13 yrs before I got creative enough to get rid of him without one. Some day

I'll tell you all that story, it will make everyone here laugh til they cry.

I have tried so many methods of controlling the nighttime situation, but nothing

so far has worked long term. At most it buys me a night or 2 of relief and then

the pattern starts over again. One of these efforts was the one I already

mentioned with her " throwing herself " down the basement stairs so she was

injured and needed medical attention that she refused to get.

I have tried to be a bit more compassionate with her over the past 6 months

because I know that not all of this stems from the bpd, some of it comes from

being recently widowed. Its just a very difficult balancing act because the bpd

plays such a big role. I have tried to keep these 2 issues of hers separate

because I know that being widowed will bring on an overwhelming amount of grief

in itself, and I do wish to help her through that. I have tried to find her

support groups for that, but the only thing I've been able to find local to her

is set up more like single's meeting places rather than a support group such as

this one... where people can just go and share their pain and help each other

through it. Meeting someone new/hooking up is not something she wants or needs

in her life at present.

Now... how to control the late nights without her cutting me off completely or

hurting herself out of her imagined desperation? I already do enforce some

things with her, and whether she likes it or not, thats just how it has to be.

My husband offers quite often to let me use him as a scapegoat/excuse for the

limits I've set, but I don't like to do that either because I'm not fond of

dishonesty in any form for any reason. I did however take him up on his offer

for his own benefit, and is how I enacted the online chats at night instead of

the all night long phone calls that were waking him up on work nights, and

leaving him too exhausted for his long drives to work in the morning. She is

not allowed to call my house beyond 11pm at night unless it is a life or death

emergency. She has respected this so far, but it has made the online chat

situation harder for me to control. I can actually feel her desperation anytime

I try to pull back or put space between us, she goes into an outright panic

attack. With nobody around to look out for her physical well being except me,

if an ambulance is called, that means a 2 1/2 - 3 hr drive for me and hubby to

get to the hospital. (yes, we moved away from the city in part to get away from

her... I can't handle living too close to her anymore)

So, again, I feel stuck... and she knows that I am the only one for a dr or

hospital to call, so I don't put it past her to push that to the limit too if

she felt it necessary. That would be worse for me than the chats and phone

calls, and worse for my husband and daughter, too. I don't see my being her

emergency contact something that will change before she dies. State law

requires that whoever is next of kin is responsible for an elderly parent, and

at almost 61 yrs old now, my nada qualifies as such. With me being the oldest

of 2 siblings, it falls on me, not that my sister would lift a finger anyways.

That does leave me legally responsible for her, also not a real comforting

thought. My nada is a lot of things, but smart is definitely mixed in there

too. I have suspected that she has made me her sole beneficiary only to ensure

I can't legally get away from her. I tell her almost daily that I don't want

her money or her " things " , just want her in my life so we can love each other

while we have each other... but it still has not yet sunk in. She can't seem to

understand how someone can live their life without wanting other people's

things, without the greed bug that is so predominant in today's society. I am

much more a simplistic person, and while I do have some attachment to " things "

for sentimental reasons, " things " are not a big or important part of my life. I

like " simple " .

One thing I have noticed is the respect issue, which plays a huge part in how

she treats me. I seem to be the only person in the world she has no respect

for, no matter how much I demand it. She shows more respect for my sister who

has hurt her repeatedly, stolen from her, and in general treated her like crap

her whole life. She respects my husband... which is how I get any respect from

her at all, since it directly affects me. If she thinks she is putting my

husband out, hurting him in some way, etc. she sets her own extreme limits for

his benefit... it just does not carry over to pertain to me. This is why he

offers himself up as scapegoat so often, it is something we both see clearly in

her. Once those limits are set, either by us or by her, she then begins the

task of finding " loopholes " to again invade and control me and my life. If I

tell nada that I need to go to bed with my husband it means nothing. If I tell

her he is standing here waiting for me to go to bed, thats different... most of

the time she gives in to that much sooner. During the week this doesn't work,

however, because she knows he is going to bed to sleep because he must be up so

early in the morning... there is no time for " private time " between us on those

nights. For weekends it works great at times, but she is only tolerant of

letting me go once in a while. If she's not feeling tolerant then of course she

is having chest pains... or getting too dizzy to stand up and is scared... which

then keeps me " holding her hand " until she says she feels better. To do

otherwise would mean she might have a heart attack, etc etc.. I'm sure you all

know that drill.

I tried to convince her to let me pay for a life alert system to be installed in

her house, especially since she is living alone and so secluded now... but she

refuses it. The last time I suggested it, her answer was " I don't need one,

thats what I have you for! " and proceeded to yell at me for hours on end about

it. She has flat out refused to let anyone into her house to install anything,

refused to install any units given to her... and refused to use them. That

would have been the perfect solution for my nighttime problems with her, and she

knew it... so wasn't about to let that happen.

The only time I have been really free of her for more than a few hrs is when I

go on vacation. It makes me not want to come home. We haven't been able to

take a vacation in the past 2 yrs, so my yearly 3 day relief has been absent,

which builds my stress levels. When she pitches a fit about my leaving for a

vacation I just let her rant until she runs out of steam, I don't let her stop

me and I don't make a zillion excuses for her. I'm going, thats it, thats how

its going to be. I did manage to level her a little bit on our last one by

having my daughter call her from out of state each night I was gone, for the

nightly checks. She and my oldest daughter do not get along, so they were short

calls that neither cherished, and it let nada know that I had my bases covered.

I don't warn her about those kinds of calls because I know she won't answer her

phone for them if she's expecting it... but it did teach her to stop hassling me

about not being able to go away because there was nobody to check on her. I

guess we can call that " giving it back " , huh? :-)

So... now that I have been up all night and am feeling like a zombie before a

busy days schedule... I am wondering, any other suggestions about taking back

the control over my nights so I can sleep and spend some much needed time with

my family?

Sleep now, I have time for a nap before the day begins... but I WILL be back.

This feels so good to get this stuff out where I don't feel like I'm dealing

with it alone anymore. Being here has already helped the stress a little bit.

Thank you to everyone for listening and responding, and for being so

understanding and nice about it! I wish I had found this group long ago... I

might have more sanity right now.

> >

> > Hi everyone! I hope nobody here minds long notes/letters. I have so much

to get out and nowhere else to go with this.

> >

> > Recently I befriended a psychotherapist who has tried to help me in his

limited " off " time. He is wonderful but just doesn't have the time to devote to

what I need. He suggested I seek out a support group because I am at a point

where I fear for my own sanity.

> >

> > I don't sleep much anymore, I eat very little, have various health issues

and cannot drive, and feel like a slave to my mother and her life. The stress

has escalated so much over the past year that it is becoming unbearable and I

find myself in tears over the simplest of things. The stress is complicating my

health issues now too. All I want is my life back without having to abandon my

mother at the same time. Is that possible? At this point it doesn't look that

way.

> >

> > After a number of conversations with my friend he has determined mom has had

bpd all of my life, possibly all of hers. Mom has no idea she has a " problem "

because she believes she is the normal one and everyone else around her has the

problems. Mom has almost no friends, and the few she has managed to make work

hard to keep her at arm's length for their own sanity. I love my mother, so it

hurts me to say honestly that she is " invasive " ... and driving me crazy!

> >

> > Mom was recently widowed (July 2010) and left alone with a large dog, 3

large parrots, 40 barn cats, and a 32 acre mess from 25+ yrs of her and my step

father's hoarding lifestyle. The only family mom has left is me and my younger

sister, and my sister has opted out of mom's life over the past few years.

(thats not completely a bad thing) That leaves me as mom's lifeline and she

holds on with an iron fist.

> >

> > I am about to be 41 yrs old in a few weeks and lately I feel like I am a 10

yr old child having to play the parenting role. Its awful, and that is putting

it mildly. Mom has invaded every corner of my life and isn't happy unless she

is controlling my every move, all the way down to when I sleep and even when I

use the bathroom. (yes its really that bad) When she is angry mom is very

vindictive and holds a grudge forever. She is still angry and often complains

about things that happened to her over 50 yrs ago, ranting about her father (my

grandpa whom I was very close to and love very much) who has been dead for over

25 yrs now. Mom has no ability to move forward in her life, just deals with

things as they happen to her. I have never known a more negative person in my

life.

> >

> > Mom is abusive, verbally and emotionally. When she is angry she starts by

cutting the person out of her life completely, then begins plotting and talking

to others about the revenge she seeks. In my case, when mom is angry, it is

handled in way of punishments... yes, she still punishes me whenever I don't do

her bidding, she is very constructive and creative in that way. Mom has few

moments in her life where she isn't extremely angry at someone, deserved or not.

Because she is now completely alone, I carry the load for her pity parties,

ranting anger towards whomever it is that day, constant demands of my time and

energy, and her insistence that she is " mom " therefore it is her duty to run my

life the way she believes it should be run... the only right way... her way. In

mom's world there are only 2 ways, the right way (her way) and the wrong way

(anyone else's way). Anyone who doesn't agree with her on everything, listen to

everything she tells them to do, and allow her the control she seeks over them

and their lives, is the enemy. In my case, it goes a bit deeper... either I

agree with her, which means I love her, or I don't, which means I don't love

her. If I don't love her then she has no point in living anymore and I am " just

as bad as the rest of them " which is reason for punishment.

> >

> > Mom is extreme in everything and gets quite upset when I don't follow her

traits in my own life. I have so many stories to share, just to get them out, I

don't even know where to begin. I have almost 41 yrs of " baggage " I have been

carrying around with nobody to really share it with. When I tell someone about

mom they disappear from my life or keep a safe distance most of the time. My

psychotherapist friend told me he has heard many horror stories of abuse,

neglect, etc. yet my story is the worst he's ever heard. (and he only knows a

very small portion of it at this point)

> >

> > I spent the first 17 yrs of my life trying to escape an abusive home.

(abusive parents and abusive sister, verbally, emotionally, and physically) The

next 2 yrs were consumed with marrying an abusive psychopath (he was my way out

of an abusive home... backfired horribly), divorce from him, and 2 children.

The next 7 yrs were spent with my 2nd husband & children battling and hiding

from my 1st husband. The next 10 yrs were spent running away from my family

again, trying to find myself and make a life for myself and my children where

the abuse couldn't touch me. I managed to accomplish my goal during that 10

yrs, even though I lived with another abusive partner during that time.

> >

> > My final escape came about 6 yrs ago, my 3rd husband. (yes, I know, it took

me a long time to get it right) My current husband is loving, supportive, and

worth the long wait... however, I now have mom back in my life and she is

tearing me apart on a personal level, which is affecting the wonderful life my

husband & I have created for ourselves with my youngest child who is only 14 yrs

old. 6 yrs ago I thought I had found peace. I was wrong.

> >

> > Since my step father died in July mom has been unbearable and I just don't

know what to do anymore. She demands that I check on her nightly to make sure

she's still alive, because she's alone. These nightly " mom-sitting " sessions

are usually online because I prefer it to the phone, as it allows me a little

more freedom to keep my sanity in check while she is ranting. There are times

she doesn't show up in chat, to which I am then obligated to call her. The

chats last hours until she is ready to let me go to bed, and they don't start

until my family is in bed. Mom insists on having me to herself. If she

suspects anyone is talking to me while we chat she throws a tantrum. I have not

been allowed to go to bed to sleep with my husband in over a year now. By the

time my chats with mom end at night it is often 2 - 3am, by which time I am so

stressed I am wide awake and unable to sleep until 6-7am when my family is just

waking up to start their day. Many mornings by 10 - 11am mom is calling for the

first of many times in a day. Some days she keeps me on the phone for up to 6

hrs at a time, which means my whole day is gone before I am " free " to go about

my day, and by then I am emotionally exhausted. To tell mom either on the phone

or in chat that I need to go is a difficult task because she refuses to hear it.

She will talk over the top of me or ignore what I have said and just keep

talking. If I try to break in she talks faster to stop me. If I make her angry

then she yells at me about how I don't love her, hangs up, and refuses to speak

to me for days, sometimes weeks (unless she feels desperate before that). When

she gets past her anger at me she will then call me on the phone and complain

that I didn't call her sooner, even though I had left her messages daily on her

voicemail and answering machine.. and then the cycle begins again like nothing

ever happened.

> >

> > Mom is very manipulative and will do whatever it takes to get what she

wants, the way she wants it. The worst was a night when she purposely let

herself fall down the basement stairs and hurt herself quite badly... because I

couldn't call her that night. That was her proof that I had to call EVERY night

because something could happen to her with nobody around to help her.

> >

> > As you can probably tell by now, I am a mess. I am in tears just typing

this post to the group. I feel as if my wonderful life has been sucked away and

I have been powerless to stop it or to get it back. What am I seeking? Hope.

Help. Understanding... a safe place to get all of this garbage out of my head

so I can SLEEP. I am soooo tired. Advice on how to handle mom without facing

the consequences she is famous for? That would be a blessing if anything

worked. I have run out of ideas, my husband has run out of ideas, my in laws

want me to have mom forcibly committed, and my children miss me. I have known

great desperation at various times in my life, but never anything like this

before.

> >

> > Is there hope?

> >

> > Thanks for listening.

> >

>

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Posted
Posted

Wow, I'm so sorry for the stress and anxiety you and your husband are

experiencing; it really is as though you are being held hostage, like you're

under assault by your nada.

The only thing I can think of to offer is that if your nada is so emotionally

dysregulated and controlling and suicidal that she has deliberately thrown

herself down her basement stairs to injure herself, and then refuses to get

treatment for her injuries (as a manipulative tactic to get you to rescue her)

she needs a psych evaluation.

If you call social services and get a social worker involved, he or she will go

out and see the condition nada lives in and hopefully will conclude that your

nada is no longer able to care for herself properly and needs assisted living of

some sort.

Maybe it would help you if you consulted a doctor and/or an attorney about what

your options are RE nada. Continued lack of sleep is going to result in

not-good health issues for you & your husband, both physically and emotionally.

This is just my opinion to take or leave as you see fit, but hard as it sounds

you may have to withdraw and allow your nada to go ballistic, go off the deep

end, make another suicide attempt, which will then get her the psychiatric

evaluation she needs. (If I'm remembering what I've read about this sort of

thing correctly, if nada is taken to the emergency room for a suicide attempt, I

think that automatically gets her a psych evaluation.)

Right now everything you're doing for her is just kind of maintaining her at a

sub-clinical, barely-functioning level and she's not getting better, and your

health is at stake.

This is just my opinion, but you're not trained or equipped to handle this level

of severe mental illness in your nada, and you're too emotionally involved to

have the objectivity needed to help her the way she needs to be helped.

She needs psychiatric help.

I hope you figure out something that will work for you, I truly feel for the

anxiety and stress you are undergoing.

-Annie

> > >

> > > Hi everyone! I hope nobody here minds long notes/letters. I have so much

to get out and nowhere else to go with this.

> > >

> > > Recently I befriended a psychotherapist who has tried to help me in his

limited " off " time. He is wonderful but just doesn't have the time to devote to

what I need. He suggested I seek out a support group because I am at a point

where I fear for my own sanity.

> > >

> > > I don't sleep much anymore, I eat very little, have various health issues

and cannot drive, and feel like a slave to my mother and her life. The stress

has escalated so much over the past year that it is becoming unbearable and I

find myself in tears over the simplest of things. The stress is complicating my

health issues now too. All I want is my life back without having to abandon my

mother at the same time. Is that possible? At this point it doesn't look that

way.

> > >

> > > After a number of conversations with my friend he has determined mom has

had bpd all of my life, possibly all of hers. Mom has no idea she has a

" problem " because she believes she is the normal one and everyone else around

her has the problems. Mom has almost no friends, and the few she has managed to

make work hard to keep her at arm's length for their own sanity. I love my

mother, so it hurts me to say honestly that she is " invasive " ... and driving me

crazy!

> > >

> > > Mom was recently widowed (July 2010) and left alone with a large dog, 3

large parrots, 40 barn cats, and a 32 acre mess from 25+ yrs of her and my step

father's hoarding lifestyle. The only family mom has left is me and my younger

sister, and my sister has opted out of mom's life over the past few years.

(thats not completely a bad thing) That leaves me as mom's lifeline and she

holds on with an iron fist.

> > >

> > > I am about to be 41 yrs old in a few weeks and lately I feel like I am a

10 yr old child having to play the parenting role. Its awful, and that is

putting it mildly. Mom has invaded every corner of my life and isn't happy

unless she is controlling my every move, all the way down to when I sleep and

even when I use the bathroom. (yes its really that bad) When she is angry mom

is very vindictive and holds a grudge forever. She is still angry and often

complains about things that happened to her over 50 yrs ago, ranting about her

father (my grandpa whom I was very close to and love very much) who has been

dead for over 25 yrs now. Mom has no ability to move forward in her life, just

deals with things as they happen to her. I have never known a more negative

person in my life.

> > >

> > > Mom is abusive, verbally and emotionally. When she is angry she starts by

cutting the person out of her life completely, then begins plotting and talking

to others about the revenge she seeks. In my case, when mom is angry, it is

handled in way of punishments... yes, she still punishes me whenever I don't do

her bidding, she is very constructive and creative in that way. Mom has few

moments in her life where she isn't extremely angry at someone, deserved or not.

Because she is now completely alone, I carry the load for her pity parties,

ranting anger towards whomever it is that day, constant demands of my time and

energy, and her insistence that she is " mom " therefore it is her duty to run my

life the way she believes it should be run... the only right way... her way. In

mom's world there are only 2 ways, the right way (her way) and the wrong way

(anyone else's way). Anyone who doesn't agree with her on everything, listen to

everything she tells them to do, and allow her the control she seeks over them

and their lives, is the enemy. In my case, it goes a bit deeper... either I

agree with her, which means I love her, or I don't, which means I don't love

her. If I don't love her then she has no point in living anymore and I am " just

as bad as the rest of them " which is reason for punishment.

> > >

> > > Mom is extreme in everything and gets quite upset when I don't follow her

traits in my own life. I have so many stories to share, just to get them out, I

don't even know where to begin. I have almost 41 yrs of " baggage " I have been

carrying around with nobody to really share it with. When I tell someone about

mom they disappear from my life or keep a safe distance most of the time. My

psychotherapist friend told me he has heard many horror stories of abuse,

neglect, etc. yet my story is the worst he's ever heard. (and he only knows a

very small portion of it at this point)

> > >

> > > I spent the first 17 yrs of my life trying to escape an abusive home.

(abusive parents and abusive sister, verbally, emotionally, and physically) The

next 2 yrs were consumed with marrying an abusive psychopath (he was my way out

of an abusive home... backfired horribly), divorce from him, and 2 children.

The next 7 yrs were spent with my 2nd husband & children battling and hiding

from my 1st husband. The next 10 yrs were spent running away from my family

again, trying to find myself and make a life for myself and my children where

the abuse couldn't touch me. I managed to accomplish my goal during that 10

yrs, even though I lived with another abusive partner during that time.

> > >

> > > My final escape came about 6 yrs ago, my 3rd husband. (yes, I know, it

took me a long time to get it right) My current husband is loving, supportive,

and worth the long wait... however, I now have mom back in my life and she is

tearing me apart on a personal level, which is affecting the wonderful life my

husband & I have created for ourselves with my youngest child who is only 14 yrs

old. 6 yrs ago I thought I had found peace. I was wrong.

> > >

> > > Since my step father died in July mom has been unbearable and I just don't

know what to do anymore. She demands that I check on her nightly to make sure

she's still alive, because she's alone. These nightly " mom-sitting " sessions

are usually online because I prefer it to the phone, as it allows me a little

more freedom to keep my sanity in check while she is ranting. There are times

she doesn't show up in chat, to which I am then obligated to call her. The

chats last hours until she is ready to let me go to bed, and they don't start

until my family is in bed. Mom insists on having me to herself. If she

suspects anyone is talking to me while we chat she throws a tantrum. I have not

been allowed to go to bed to sleep with my husband in over a year now. By the

time my chats with mom end at night it is often 2 - 3am, by which time I am so

stressed I am wide awake and unable to sleep until 6-7am when my family is just

waking up to start their day. Many mornings by 10 - 11am mom is calling for the

first of many times in a day. Some days she keeps me on the phone for up to 6

hrs at a time, which means my whole day is gone before I am " free " to go about

my day, and by then I am emotionally exhausted. To tell mom either on the phone

or in chat that I need to go is a difficult task because she refuses to hear it.

She will talk over the top of me or ignore what I have said and just keep

talking. If I try to break in she talks faster to stop me. If I make her angry

then she yells at me about how I don't love her, hangs up, and refuses to speak

to me for days, sometimes weeks (unless she feels desperate before that). When

she gets past her anger at me she will then call me on the phone and complain

that I didn't call her sooner, even though I had left her messages daily on her

voicemail and answering machine.. and then the cycle begins again like nothing

ever happened.

> > >

> > > Mom is very manipulative and will do whatever it takes to get what she

wants, the way she wants it. The worst was a night when she purposely let

herself fall down the basement stairs and hurt herself quite badly... because I

couldn't call her that night. That was her proof that I had to call EVERY night

because something could happen to her with nobody around to help her.

> > >

> > > As you can probably tell by now, I am a mess. I am in tears just typing

this post to the group. I feel as if my wonderful life has been sucked away and

I have been powerless to stop it or to get it back. What am I seeking? Hope.

Help. Understanding... a safe place to get all of this garbage out of my head

so I can SLEEP. I am soooo tired. Advice on how to handle mom without facing

the consequences she is famous for? That would be a blessing if anything

worked. I have run out of ideas, my husband has run out of ideas, my in laws

want me to have mom forcibly committed, and my children miss me. I have known

great desperation at various times in my life, but never anything like this

before.

> > >

> > > Is there hope?

> > >

> > > Thanks for listening.

> > >

> >

>

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Posted
Posted

Wow, I'm so sorry for the stress and anxiety you and your husband are

experiencing; it really is as though you are being held hostage, like you're

under assault by your nada.

The only thing I can think of to offer is that if your nada is so emotionally

dysregulated and controlling and suicidal that she has deliberately thrown

herself down her basement stairs to injure herself, and then refuses to get

treatment for her injuries (as a manipulative tactic to get you to rescue her)

she needs a psych evaluation.

If you call social services and get a social worker involved, he or she will go

out and see the condition nada lives in and hopefully will conclude that your

nada is no longer able to care for herself properly and needs assisted living of

some sort.

Maybe it would help you if you consulted a doctor and/or an attorney about what

your options are RE nada. Continued lack of sleep is going to result in

not-good health issues for you & your husband, both physically and emotionally.

This is just my opinion to take or leave as you see fit, but hard as it sounds

you may have to withdraw and allow your nada to go ballistic, go off the deep

end, make another suicide attempt, which will then get her the psychiatric

evaluation she needs. (If I'm remembering what I've read about this sort of

thing correctly, if nada is taken to the emergency room for a suicide attempt, I

think that automatically gets her a psych evaluation.)

Right now everything you're doing for her is just kind of maintaining her at a

sub-clinical, barely-functioning level and she's not getting better, and your

health is at stake.

This is just my opinion, but you're not trained or equipped to handle this level

of severe mental illness in your nada, and you're too emotionally involved to

have the objectivity needed to help her the way she needs to be helped.

She needs psychiatric help.

I hope you figure out something that will work for you, I truly feel for the

anxiety and stress you are undergoing.

-Annie

> > >

> > > Hi everyone! I hope nobody here minds long notes/letters. I have so much

to get out and nowhere else to go with this.

> > >

> > > Recently I befriended a psychotherapist who has tried to help me in his

limited " off " time. He is wonderful but just doesn't have the time to devote to

what I need. He suggested I seek out a support group because I am at a point

where I fear for my own sanity.

> > >

> > > I don't sleep much anymore, I eat very little, have various health issues

and cannot drive, and feel like a slave to my mother and her life. The stress

has escalated so much over the past year that it is becoming unbearable and I

find myself in tears over the simplest of things. The stress is complicating my

health issues now too. All I want is my life back without having to abandon my

mother at the same time. Is that possible? At this point it doesn't look that

way.

> > >

> > > After a number of conversations with my friend he has determined mom has

had bpd all of my life, possibly all of hers. Mom has no idea she has a

" problem " because she believes she is the normal one and everyone else around

her has the problems. Mom has almost no friends, and the few she has managed to

make work hard to keep her at arm's length for their own sanity. I love my

mother, so it hurts me to say honestly that she is " invasive " ... and driving me

crazy!

> > >

> > > Mom was recently widowed (July 2010) and left alone with a large dog, 3

large parrots, 40 barn cats, and a 32 acre mess from 25+ yrs of her and my step

father's hoarding lifestyle. The only family mom has left is me and my younger

sister, and my sister has opted out of mom's life over the past few years.

(thats not completely a bad thing) That leaves me as mom's lifeline and she

holds on with an iron fist.

> > >

> > > I am about to be 41 yrs old in a few weeks and lately I feel like I am a

10 yr old child having to play the parenting role. Its awful, and that is

putting it mildly. Mom has invaded every corner of my life and isn't happy

unless she is controlling my every move, all the way down to when I sleep and

even when I use the bathroom. (yes its really that bad) When she is angry mom

is very vindictive and holds a grudge forever. She is still angry and often

complains about things that happened to her over 50 yrs ago, ranting about her

father (my grandpa whom I was very close to and love very much) who has been

dead for over 25 yrs now. Mom has no ability to move forward in her life, just

deals with things as they happen to her. I have never known a more negative

person in my life.

> > >

> > > Mom is abusive, verbally and emotionally. When she is angry she starts by

cutting the person out of her life completely, then begins plotting and talking

to others about the revenge she seeks. In my case, when mom is angry, it is

handled in way of punishments... yes, she still punishes me whenever I don't do

her bidding, she is very constructive and creative in that way. Mom has few

moments in her life where she isn't extremely angry at someone, deserved or not.

Because she is now completely alone, I carry the load for her pity parties,

ranting anger towards whomever it is that day, constant demands of my time and

energy, and her insistence that she is " mom " therefore it is her duty to run my

life the way she believes it should be run... the only right way... her way. In

mom's world there are only 2 ways, the right way (her way) and the wrong way

(anyone else's way). Anyone who doesn't agree with her on everything, listen to

everything she tells them to do, and allow her the control she seeks over them

and their lives, is the enemy. In my case, it goes a bit deeper... either I

agree with her, which means I love her, or I don't, which means I don't love

her. If I don't love her then she has no point in living anymore and I am " just

as bad as the rest of them " which is reason for punishment.

> > >

> > > Mom is extreme in everything and gets quite upset when I don't follow her

traits in my own life. I have so many stories to share, just to get them out, I

don't even know where to begin. I have almost 41 yrs of " baggage " I have been

carrying around with nobody to really share it with. When I tell someone about

mom they disappear from my life or keep a safe distance most of the time. My

psychotherapist friend told me he has heard many horror stories of abuse,

neglect, etc. yet my story is the worst he's ever heard. (and he only knows a

very small portion of it at this point)

> > >

> > > I spent the first 17 yrs of my life trying to escape an abusive home.

(abusive parents and abusive sister, verbally, emotionally, and physically) The

next 2 yrs were consumed with marrying an abusive psychopath (he was my way out

of an abusive home... backfired horribly), divorce from him, and 2 children.

The next 7 yrs were spent with my 2nd husband & children battling and hiding

from my 1st husband. The next 10 yrs were spent running away from my family

again, trying to find myself and make a life for myself and my children where

the abuse couldn't touch me. I managed to accomplish my goal during that 10

yrs, even though I lived with another abusive partner during that time.

> > >

> > > My final escape came about 6 yrs ago, my 3rd husband. (yes, I know, it

took me a long time to get it right) My current husband is loving, supportive,

and worth the long wait... however, I now have mom back in my life and she is

tearing me apart on a personal level, which is affecting the wonderful life my

husband & I have created for ourselves with my youngest child who is only 14 yrs

old. 6 yrs ago I thought I had found peace. I was wrong.

> > >

> > > Since my step father died in July mom has been unbearable and I just don't

know what to do anymore. She demands that I check on her nightly to make sure

she's still alive, because she's alone. These nightly " mom-sitting " sessions

are usually online because I prefer it to the phone, as it allows me a little

more freedom to keep my sanity in check while she is ranting. There are times

she doesn't show up in chat, to which I am then obligated to call her. The

chats last hours until she is ready to let me go to bed, and they don't start

until my family is in bed. Mom insists on having me to herself. If she

suspects anyone is talking to me while we chat she throws a tantrum. I have not

been allowed to go to bed to sleep with my husband in over a year now. By the

time my chats with mom end at night it is often 2 - 3am, by which time I am so

stressed I am wide awake and unable to sleep until 6-7am when my family is just

waking up to start their day. Many mornings by 10 - 11am mom is calling for the

first of many times in a day. Some days she keeps me on the phone for up to 6

hrs at a time, which means my whole day is gone before I am " free " to go about

my day, and by then I am emotionally exhausted. To tell mom either on the phone

or in chat that I need to go is a difficult task because she refuses to hear it.

She will talk over the top of me or ignore what I have said and just keep

talking. If I try to break in she talks faster to stop me. If I make her angry

then she yells at me about how I don't love her, hangs up, and refuses to speak

to me for days, sometimes weeks (unless she feels desperate before that). When

she gets past her anger at me she will then call me on the phone and complain

that I didn't call her sooner, even though I had left her messages daily on her

voicemail and answering machine.. and then the cycle begins again like nothing

ever happened.

> > >

> > > Mom is very manipulative and will do whatever it takes to get what she

wants, the way she wants it. The worst was a night when she purposely let

herself fall down the basement stairs and hurt herself quite badly... because I

couldn't call her that night. That was her proof that I had to call EVERY night

because something could happen to her with nobody around to help her.

> > >

> > > As you can probably tell by now, I am a mess. I am in tears just typing

this post to the group. I feel as if my wonderful life has been sucked away and

I have been powerless to stop it or to get it back. What am I seeking? Hope.

Help. Understanding... a safe place to get all of this garbage out of my head

so I can SLEEP. I am soooo tired. Advice on how to handle mom without facing

the consequences she is famous for? That would be a blessing if anything

worked. I have run out of ideas, my husband has run out of ideas, my in laws

want me to have mom forcibly committed, and my children miss me. I have known

great desperation at various times in my life, but never anything like this

before.

> > >

> > > Is there hope?

> > >

> > > Thanks for listening.

> > >

> >

>

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Posted
Posted

Army,

Hugs, hi, and Merry Christmas.

I can so, so, so relate to everything you wrote. My nada (shortcut here for

not-a, as in, not-really-a-mother) wasn't quite this extreme in her behavior,

but I completely understand the feeling of them wanting to control your every

thought, word, and deed like a sock puppet. It's really tough to recognize when

you were raised by someone like this. An adult raised by healthy parents would

look at your letter and die of shock, but we were only little children and

didn't know.

What your parent is doing is wayyy, wayyy over the top. Nobody could possibly

ever live as this parent is demanding and survive, let alone be happy in life.

Nobody. I'd post a pile of advice, but these two ladies have it covered. What

they say is spot on.

You've got to reduce contact with this person, relax, calm down, and get some

sleep before you end up in the hospital or have a nervous breakdown. Try to

give yourself a short holiday from her over Christmas, sleep in, rest, and curl

up with some of these books that have been suggested. These books helped me

identify what was wrong in my relationship with nada and start to take back my

life.

You can never, never promote any improvement in her life or yours by giving in

to behavior that is repulsive or damaging to you. No matter what she says, it

doesn't help anyone.

Please take care of yourself. Write in and let us know how you are doing. And

Merry, Merry Christmas.

--.

*this post has been trimmed*

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Posted
Posted

I don't have time right now to write another book length letter, lol.. but I do

have a very specific question to ask. How do you all deal with the guilty

feelings? I understand the irrationality of it all, but that doesn't make the

guilt go away. I am sitting here reading all of these wonderful replies and it

brings on the guilt just thinking about what I know has to be done, at least to

some extent with nada. My nada is like a water faucet... one minute she's hot

and vulgar and ruthless, the next she is cold and thoughtless and uncaring, and

then a minute more and she is warm and loving and generous. She, in herself, is

an emotional rollercoaster and I feel like I've been belted in for the ride and

it makes me sick to my stomach with each twist and turn. There was a time a few

years ago when I was able to detach myself from much of these feelings, but

since then she has sucked me in so deep into her world of constant misery (much

of it self created) that I feel like I am trapped there with her, no way to

escape it. I feel like her POW.

Since joining the group I have already started on my path to my own recovery

from some of these issues, but the guilt follows me like an invisible halo, just

hanging over my head unseen but always present. I don't know how to turn that

off inside my own head and in my heart. Maybe if I had some time away from her

it would help, but I have tracked my own patterns over the past few yrs and am

very aware of how this is affecting me. The last short 3 day vacation we took I

felt so good for those 3 days I really didn't want to come home again. My sleep

pattern was " normal " , physically I felt better than I had in years, lots of

energy and I was truly happy. On the trip home I was happy. The minute we got

into town and close to home the stress came back out of nowhere and hit me like

a brick before I even realized it... so on my first night home I was wide awake

until all hours of the morning, the old pattern was there like it had never

stopped at all, without any conscious thought it was just there. It was if my

body was reacting without the help of my mind... how to combat something like

that?

I also have noticed my reactions to things like the phone ringing. I jump, then

I get annoyed before I even pick it up and find out who is on the other end. I

was never like that before, I hate it. Then I feel guilty for jumping to

conclusions before anything even happens. My life feels like a ticking bomb

that is just waiting to go off yet again... and the explosions are always huge.

Guilt... probably the worst problem in all of this. How to detach enough to rid

myself of the guilt?

>

> Army,

>

> Hugs, hi, and Merry Christmas.

>

> I can so, so, so relate to everything you wrote. My nada (shortcut here for

not-a, as in, not-really-a-mother) wasn't quite this extreme in her behavior,

but I completely understand the feeling of them wanting to control your every

thought, word, and deed like a sock puppet. It's really tough to recognize when

you were raised by someone like this. An adult raised by healthy parents would

look at your letter and die of shock, but we were only little children and

didn't know.

>

> What your parent is doing is wayyy, wayyy over the top. Nobody could possibly

ever live as this parent is demanding and survive, let alone be happy in life.

Nobody. I'd post a pile of advice, but these two ladies have it covered. What

they say is spot on.

>

> You've got to reduce contact with this person, relax, calm down, and get some

sleep before you end up in the hospital or have a nervous breakdown. Try to

give yourself a short holiday from her over Christmas, sleep in, rest, and curl

up with some of these books that have been suggested. These books helped me

identify what was wrong in my relationship with nada and start to take back my

life.

>

> You can never, never promote any improvement in her life or yours by giving in

to behavior that is repulsive or damaging to you. No matter what she says, it

doesn't help anyone.

>

> Please take care of yourself. Write in and let us know how you are doing.

And Merry, Merry Christmas.

>

> --.

>

>

> *this post has been trimmed*

>

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Posted
Posted

I don't have time right now to write another book length letter, lol.. but I do

have a very specific question to ask. How do you all deal with the guilty

feelings? I understand the irrationality of it all, but that doesn't make the

guilt go away. I am sitting here reading all of these wonderful replies and it

brings on the guilt just thinking about what I know has to be done, at least to

some extent with nada. My nada is like a water faucet... one minute she's hot

and vulgar and ruthless, the next she is cold and thoughtless and uncaring, and

then a minute more and she is warm and loving and generous. She, in herself, is

an emotional rollercoaster and I feel like I've been belted in for the ride and

it makes me sick to my stomach with each twist and turn. There was a time a few

years ago when I was able to detach myself from much of these feelings, but

since then she has sucked me in so deep into her world of constant misery (much

of it self created) that I feel like I am trapped there with her, no way to

escape it. I feel like her POW.

Since joining the group I have already started on my path to my own recovery

from some of these issues, but the guilt follows me like an invisible halo, just

hanging over my head unseen but always present. I don't know how to turn that

off inside my own head and in my heart. Maybe if I had some time away from her

it would help, but I have tracked my own patterns over the past few yrs and am

very aware of how this is affecting me. The last short 3 day vacation we took I

felt so good for those 3 days I really didn't want to come home again. My sleep

pattern was " normal " , physically I felt better than I had in years, lots of

energy and I was truly happy. On the trip home I was happy. The minute we got

into town and close to home the stress came back out of nowhere and hit me like

a brick before I even realized it... so on my first night home I was wide awake

until all hours of the morning, the old pattern was there like it had never

stopped at all, without any conscious thought it was just there. It was if my

body was reacting without the help of my mind... how to combat something like

that?

I also have noticed my reactions to things like the phone ringing. I jump, then

I get annoyed before I even pick it up and find out who is on the other end. I

was never like that before, I hate it. Then I feel guilty for jumping to

conclusions before anything even happens. My life feels like a ticking bomb

that is just waiting to go off yet again... and the explosions are always huge.

Guilt... probably the worst problem in all of this. How to detach enough to rid

myself of the guilt?

>

> Army,

>

> Hugs, hi, and Merry Christmas.

>

> I can so, so, so relate to everything you wrote. My nada (shortcut here for

not-a, as in, not-really-a-mother) wasn't quite this extreme in her behavior,

but I completely understand the feeling of them wanting to control your every

thought, word, and deed like a sock puppet. It's really tough to recognize when

you were raised by someone like this. An adult raised by healthy parents would

look at your letter and die of shock, but we were only little children and

didn't know.

>

> What your parent is doing is wayyy, wayyy over the top. Nobody could possibly

ever live as this parent is demanding and survive, let alone be happy in life.

Nobody. I'd post a pile of advice, but these two ladies have it covered. What

they say is spot on.

>

> You've got to reduce contact with this person, relax, calm down, and get some

sleep before you end up in the hospital or have a nervous breakdown. Try to

give yourself a short holiday from her over Christmas, sleep in, rest, and curl

up with some of these books that have been suggested. These books helped me

identify what was wrong in my relationship with nada and start to take back my

life.

>

> You can never, never promote any improvement in her life or yours by giving in

to behavior that is repulsive or damaging to you. No matter what she says, it

doesn't help anyone.

>

> Please take care of yourself. Write in and let us know how you are doing.

And Merry, Merry Christmas.

>

> --.

>

>

> *this post has been trimmed*

>

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Posted
Posted

Yeah, I felt guilty for a long time, too, and that was why I did nothing.

I have to look at it this way:

For 38 years of my life, I let a mentally ill person think for me. I chose my

career based on what she would like, and am not very well suited for it.

Therefore, I don't earn what other people earn at it. However, I still have to

pay for the years of school I had to borrow to attend because she gave my

college fund away to other family members. I should never have had to borrow at

all! Then nobody in the family wanted to cosign so I could go to school, so the

first thing dutiful little me did when I got out of school was consolidate

(under unfavorable terms, thinking I'd be making better money), to get all their

names off the notes.

Then my student loan payments were so high I couldn't afford health insurance, I

needed two major surgeries, and now I'm pretty much hovering above the poverty

line for the rest of my life, despite being trapped day after miserable day in

work I don't like and don't want to do anymore. What I'll do when I'm 80 and

can't work at all, I don't know.

I let a mentally ill person insist that I tell her absolutely everything that

was going on in my life and tell me how I should react, what I should say, and

what I should do. I let her " program " me how to see and react to other family

members and friends I had. This resulted in strained relationships with people

who are now gone, and years later, I find out that things were not as she had

represented. I acted like an idiot to friends I had, and haven't really been

able to apologize enough. They forgave me, but still.

I entered the world not very well socialized, with wildly unrealistic

expectations of life. I have really suffered for this.

And, every time she wanted me to be, I was tethered to the telephone line,

being, thinking, saying, doing what she wanted.

All this devastation, and did it help? See, that's the question: DID IT HELP?

In the words of Data from Star Trek, No, Geordi, it did not.

38 more years would do no more good.

Weeks ago another member posted asking what the last straw was with people's BPD

parents. I wanted to answer, but the answer would have been long and I didn't

have time. Hopefully, I can over Xmas and you will see more.

I feel for you, I really do. But no matter what you do, you can't cure someone

else's mental illness, and there are consequences to them if they aren't getting

serious about it themselves. If you artificially remove these consequences

because you feel bad for them, you end up with what my 87 year old great aunt

has: A 57 year old handicapped daughter she spoiled rotten who now can't get

admitted to any nursing home in the state because of her screaming temper

tantrums and violence my aunt enabled all her life. This is the kind of thing

that happens to people who aren't allowed to learn that their actions have

consequences. Meanwhile, the life of the enablers is awful for years, as you

are seeing right now.

You have to ask, Who is this benefiting really?

You're a good person, and in protecting yourself from this madness you are doing

nothing wrong.

Merry Christmas.

--.

*this post has been trimmed*

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Posted
Posted

Yeah, I felt guilty for a long time, too, and that was why I did nothing.

I have to look at it this way:

For 38 years of my life, I let a mentally ill person think for me. I chose my

career based on what she would like, and am not very well suited for it.

Therefore, I don't earn what other people earn at it. However, I still have to

pay for the years of school I had to borrow to attend because she gave my

college fund away to other family members. I should never have had to borrow at

all! Then nobody in the family wanted to cosign so I could go to school, so the

first thing dutiful little me did when I got out of school was consolidate

(under unfavorable terms, thinking I'd be making better money), to get all their

names off the notes.

Then my student loan payments were so high I couldn't afford health insurance, I

needed two major surgeries, and now I'm pretty much hovering above the poverty

line for the rest of my life, despite being trapped day after miserable day in

work I don't like and don't want to do anymore. What I'll do when I'm 80 and

can't work at all, I don't know.

I let a mentally ill person insist that I tell her absolutely everything that

was going on in my life and tell me how I should react, what I should say, and

what I should do. I let her " program " me how to see and react to other family

members and friends I had. This resulted in strained relationships with people

who are now gone, and years later, I find out that things were not as she had

represented. I acted like an idiot to friends I had, and haven't really been

able to apologize enough. They forgave me, but still.

I entered the world not very well socialized, with wildly unrealistic

expectations of life. I have really suffered for this.

And, every time she wanted me to be, I was tethered to the telephone line,

being, thinking, saying, doing what she wanted.

All this devastation, and did it help? See, that's the question: DID IT HELP?

In the words of Data from Star Trek, No, Geordi, it did not.

38 more years would do no more good.

Weeks ago another member posted asking what the last straw was with people's BPD

parents. I wanted to answer, but the answer would have been long and I didn't

have time. Hopefully, I can over Xmas and you will see more.

I feel for you, I really do. But no matter what you do, you can't cure someone

else's mental illness, and there are consequences to them if they aren't getting

serious about it themselves. If you artificially remove these consequences

because you feel bad for them, you end up with what my 87 year old great aunt

has: A 57 year old handicapped daughter she spoiled rotten who now can't get

admitted to any nursing home in the state because of her screaming temper

tantrums and violence my aunt enabled all her life. This is the kind of thing

that happens to people who aren't allowed to learn that their actions have

consequences. Meanwhile, the life of the enablers is awful for years, as you

are seeing right now.

You have to ask, Who is this benefiting really?

You're a good person, and in protecting yourself from this madness you are doing

nothing wrong.

Merry Christmas.

--.

*this post has been trimmed*

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Posted
Posted

Yeah, I felt guilty for a long time, too, and that was why I did nothing.

I have to look at it this way:

For 38 years of my life, I let a mentally ill person think for me. I chose my

career based on what she would like, and am not very well suited for it.

Therefore, I don't earn what other people earn at it. However, I still have to

pay for the years of school I had to borrow to attend because she gave my

college fund away to other family members. I should never have had to borrow at

all! Then nobody in the family wanted to cosign so I could go to school, so the

first thing dutiful little me did when I got out of school was consolidate

(under unfavorable terms, thinking I'd be making better money), to get all their

names off the notes.

Then my student loan payments were so high I couldn't afford health insurance, I

needed two major surgeries, and now I'm pretty much hovering above the poverty

line for the rest of my life, despite being trapped day after miserable day in

work I don't like and don't want to do anymore. What I'll do when I'm 80 and

can't work at all, I don't know.

I let a mentally ill person insist that I tell her absolutely everything that

was going on in my life and tell me how I should react, what I should say, and

what I should do. I let her " program " me how to see and react to other family

members and friends I had. This resulted in strained relationships with people

who are now gone, and years later, I find out that things were not as she had

represented. I acted like an idiot to friends I had, and haven't really been

able to apologize enough. They forgave me, but still.

I entered the world not very well socialized, with wildly unrealistic

expectations of life. I have really suffered for this.

And, every time she wanted me to be, I was tethered to the telephone line,

being, thinking, saying, doing what she wanted.

All this devastation, and did it help? See, that's the question: DID IT HELP?

In the words of Data from Star Trek, No, Geordi, it did not.

38 more years would do no more good.

Weeks ago another member posted asking what the last straw was with people's BPD

parents. I wanted to answer, but the answer would have been long and I didn't

have time. Hopefully, I can over Xmas and you will see more.

I feel for you, I really do. But no matter what you do, you can't cure someone

else's mental illness, and there are consequences to them if they aren't getting

serious about it themselves. If you artificially remove these consequences

because you feel bad for them, you end up with what my 87 year old great aunt

has: A 57 year old handicapped daughter she spoiled rotten who now can't get

admitted to any nursing home in the state because of her screaming temper

tantrums and violence my aunt enabled all her life. This is the kind of thing

that happens to people who aren't allowed to learn that their actions have

consequences. Meanwhile, the life of the enablers is awful for years, as you

are seeing right now.

You have to ask, Who is this benefiting really?

You're a good person, and in protecting yourself from this madness you are doing

nothing wrong.

Merry Christmas.

--.

*this post has been trimmed*

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Posted
Posted

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I read your first post and your Nada is

very similar to mine, so I know very well how it feels. I've been NC with her

for about 2 years now and although I still deal with feelings of guilt now and

then, it's gotten better.

I'd like to recommend a book that helped me tremendously with the guilt issues -

it's called " Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear,

Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You " , by Forward. It's been out a while

now, so you can probably find a used copy online or at Half-Price Books fairly

cheap.

I ran across it by accident at a bookstore a few years ago, and just being able

to put an name - emotional blackmail - to what my nada was doing was a

light-bulb moment. I don't know if you'll have an epiphany like I did, but I

know it sure did help me a lot.

Have a Merry Christmas, and do your best to take care of YOURSELF. :)

> >

> > Army,

> >

> > Hugs, hi, and Merry Christmas.

> >

> > I can so, so, so relate to everything you wrote. My nada (shortcut here for

not-a, as in, not-really-a-mother) wasn't quite this extreme in her behavior,

but I completely understand the feeling of them wanting to control your every

thought, word, and deed like a sock puppet. It's really tough to recognize when

you were raised by someone like this. An adult raised by healthy parents would

look at your letter and die of shock, but we were only little children and

didn't know.

> >

> > What your parent is doing is wayyy, wayyy over the top. Nobody could

possibly ever live as this parent is demanding and survive, let alone be happy

in life. Nobody. I'd post a pile of advice, but these two ladies have it

covered. What they say is spot on.

> >

> > You've got to reduce contact with this person, relax, calm down, and get

some sleep before you end up in the hospital or have a nervous breakdown. Try

to give yourself a short holiday from her over Christmas, sleep in, rest, and

curl up with some of these books that have been suggested. These books helped

me identify what was wrong in my relationship with nada and start to take back

my life.

> >

> > You can never, never promote any improvement in her life or yours by giving

in to behavior that is repulsive or damaging to you. No matter what she says,

it doesn't help anyone.

> >

> > Please take care of yourself. Write in and let us know how you are doing.

And Merry, Merry Christmas.

> >

> > --.

> >

> >

> > *this post has been trimmed*

> >

>

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Posted
Posted

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I read your first post and your Nada is

very similar to mine, so I know very well how it feels. I've been NC with her

for about 2 years now and although I still deal with feelings of guilt now and

then, it's gotten better.

I'd like to recommend a book that helped me tremendously with the guilt issues -

it's called " Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear,

Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You " , by Forward. It's been out a while

now, so you can probably find a used copy online or at Half-Price Books fairly

cheap.

I ran across it by accident at a bookstore a few years ago, and just being able

to put an name - emotional blackmail - to what my nada was doing was a

light-bulb moment. I don't know if you'll have an epiphany like I did, but I

know it sure did help me a lot.

Have a Merry Christmas, and do your best to take care of YOURSELF. :)

> >

> > Army,

> >

> > Hugs, hi, and Merry Christmas.

> >

> > I can so, so, so relate to everything you wrote. My nada (shortcut here for

not-a, as in, not-really-a-mother) wasn't quite this extreme in her behavior,

but I completely understand the feeling of them wanting to control your every

thought, word, and deed like a sock puppet. It's really tough to recognize when

you were raised by someone like this. An adult raised by healthy parents would

look at your letter and die of shock, but we were only little children and

didn't know.

> >

> > What your parent is doing is wayyy, wayyy over the top. Nobody could

possibly ever live as this parent is demanding and survive, let alone be happy

in life. Nobody. I'd post a pile of advice, but these two ladies have it

covered. What they say is spot on.

> >

> > You've got to reduce contact with this person, relax, calm down, and get

some sleep before you end up in the hospital or have a nervous breakdown. Try

to give yourself a short holiday from her over Christmas, sleep in, rest, and

curl up with some of these books that have been suggested. These books helped

me identify what was wrong in my relationship with nada and start to take back

my life.

> >

> > You can never, never promote any improvement in her life or yours by giving

in to behavior that is repulsive or damaging to you. No matter what she says,

it doesn't help anyone.

> >

> > Please take care of yourself. Write in and let us know how you are doing.

And Merry, Merry Christmas.

> >

> > --.

> >

> >

> > *this post has been trimmed*

> >

>

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Posted
Posted

My advice is that once you can realize and accept that the guilt you are feeling

is inappropriate and misplaced, you can start to gain objectivity and develop a

relationship with your nada that will be healthier for both of you.

Feeling guilty is a normal and healthy emotion when its caused by something bad

that *you've* done; it means you have a working conscience and can feel empathy

and remorse. Feeling guilty makes you realize that you don't want to do that

bad thing again; its a good motivator.

But the guilt you are feeling has nothing to do with anything bad that you

personally did or have caused; it is therefor irrational guilt.

It took a wise and compassionate psychologist to " absolve " my younger Sister of

her irrational, misplaced, inappropriate guilt feelings. My Sister by sheer

luck just happened to find a psychologist whose own mother had been borderline

pd so he knew exactly what kind of toxic emotional abuse my Sister was nearly

drowning in, and he helped her shed the inappropriate guilt.

I think my Sister was unable to get past the misplaced guilt feelings on her

own; she needed an Authority Figure (in the form of her male psychologist) to

tell Sister that it was OK to stop feeling responsible for our nada's feelings,

that nada was abusing Sister and it was OK for Sister to set boundaries with our

nada and protect herself from nada's abuse.

So if the various good books on overcoming co-dependency (inappropriate,

misplaced feelings of guilt and responsibility for other people's happiness)

don't seem to be doing the trick for you, or the in-person 12-step-style support

groups for those wanting to overcome co-dependency aren't helping you (CODA

meetings) then I suggest seeking out a therapist who is familiar with

personality disorder and/or specializes in treating the adult children of

mentally ill, abusive parents. The right therapist might help you like my

Sister was helped; I am convinced that Sister was on the verge of a major

depression and now she is so much happier and healthier emotionally.

-Annie

> >

> > Army,

> >

> > Hugs, hi, and Merry Christmas.

> >

> > I can so, so, so relate to everything you wrote. My nada (shortcut here for

not-a, as in, not-really-a-mother) wasn't quite this extreme in her behavior,

but I completely understand the feeling of them wanting to control your every

thought, word, and deed like a sock puppet. It's really tough to recognize when

you were raised by someone like this. An adult raised by healthy parents would

look at your letter and die of shock, but we were only little children and

didn't know.

> >

> > What your parent is doing is wayyy, wayyy over the top. Nobody could

possibly ever live as this parent is demanding and survive, let alone be happy

in life. Nobody. I'd post a pile of advice, but these two ladies have it

covered. What they say is spot on.

> >

> > You've got to reduce contact with this person, relax, calm down, and get

some sleep before you end up in the hospital or have a nervous breakdown. Try

to give yourself a short holiday from her over Christmas, sleep in, rest, and

curl up with some of these books that have been suggested. These books helped

me identify what was wrong in my relationship with nada and start to take back

my life.

> >

> > You can never, never promote any improvement in her life or yours by giving

in to behavior that is repulsive or damaging to you. No matter what she says,

it doesn't help anyone.

> >

> > Please take care of yourself. Write in and let us know how you are doing.

And Merry, Merry Christmas.

> >

> > --.

> >

> >

> > *this post has been trimmed*

> >

>

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Posted
Posted

My advice is that once you can realize and accept that the guilt you are feeling

is inappropriate and misplaced, you can start to gain objectivity and develop a

relationship with your nada that will be healthier for both of you.

Feeling guilty is a normal and healthy emotion when its caused by something bad

that *you've* done; it means you have a working conscience and can feel empathy

and remorse. Feeling guilty makes you realize that you don't want to do that

bad thing again; its a good motivator.

But the guilt you are feeling has nothing to do with anything bad that you

personally did or have caused; it is therefor irrational guilt.

It took a wise and compassionate psychologist to " absolve " my younger Sister of

her irrational, misplaced, inappropriate guilt feelings. My Sister by sheer

luck just happened to find a psychologist whose own mother had been borderline

pd so he knew exactly what kind of toxic emotional abuse my Sister was nearly

drowning in, and he helped her shed the inappropriate guilt.

I think my Sister was unable to get past the misplaced guilt feelings on her

own; she needed an Authority Figure (in the form of her male psychologist) to

tell Sister that it was OK to stop feeling responsible for our nada's feelings,

that nada was abusing Sister and it was OK for Sister to set boundaries with our

nada and protect herself from nada's abuse.

So if the various good books on overcoming co-dependency (inappropriate,

misplaced feelings of guilt and responsibility for other people's happiness)

don't seem to be doing the trick for you, or the in-person 12-step-style support

groups for those wanting to overcome co-dependency aren't helping you (CODA

meetings) then I suggest seeking out a therapist who is familiar with

personality disorder and/or specializes in treating the adult children of

mentally ill, abusive parents. The right therapist might help you like my

Sister was helped; I am convinced that Sister was on the verge of a major

depression and now she is so much happier and healthier emotionally.

-Annie

> >

> > Army,

> >

> > Hugs, hi, and Merry Christmas.

> >

> > I can so, so, so relate to everything you wrote. My nada (shortcut here for

not-a, as in, not-really-a-mother) wasn't quite this extreme in her behavior,

but I completely understand the feeling of them wanting to control your every

thought, word, and deed like a sock puppet. It's really tough to recognize when

you were raised by someone like this. An adult raised by healthy parents would

look at your letter and die of shock, but we were only little children and

didn't know.

> >

> > What your parent is doing is wayyy, wayyy over the top. Nobody could

possibly ever live as this parent is demanding and survive, let alone be happy

in life. Nobody. I'd post a pile of advice, but these two ladies have it

covered. What they say is spot on.

> >

> > You've got to reduce contact with this person, relax, calm down, and get

some sleep before you end up in the hospital or have a nervous breakdown. Try

to give yourself a short holiday from her over Christmas, sleep in, rest, and

curl up with some of these books that have been suggested. These books helped

me identify what was wrong in my relationship with nada and start to take back

my life.

> >

> > You can never, never promote any improvement in her life or yours by giving

in to behavior that is repulsive or damaging to you. No matter what she says,

it doesn't help anyone.

> >

> > Please take care of yourself. Write in and let us know how you are doing.

And Merry, Merry Christmas.

> >

> > --.

> >

> >

> > *this post has been trimmed*

> >

>

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Posted
Posted

Once again, I must thank everyone. I feel so much like I " fit in " somewhere for

the first time in my life. You all help me to feel " normal " , if there is such a

thing.

I guess one of my struggles right now is that I already know and have

rationalized the many things everyone here has offered, I am very aware of how

things really are, not disillusioned. I have been free of the disillusionment

for many yrs now. This is the first time I've been able to put a label on what

is wrong with nada, but that is the only real change for me right now...

But, I still am struggling with the feelings of obligation and guilt that just

never seem to go away.

I remember a time when I woke up in the morning after a full 8 hrs of sound

sleep, no dreams, and the only thing in my head was my children, work, and what

I had to do that day. Now, nada is always in my head. When someone says

something to me, when we go somewhere, when I try to do ANYTHING, nada is always

right there in the front of my head, I can't get her out. I hear her voice

criticizing everything I do. When I go shopping my thoughts are about rushing

home because nada is going to be pissed if she calls and can't reach me... and

that turns the thoughts to her " consequences " ...

I have very few moments anymore where she is not forefront in my brain, and I

seem unable to help myself when it comes to moving her back where she belongs.

I feel like that helpless 10 yr old again, nada controlling everything, telling

me how the bad stuff that happened to me was always my fault because I wasn't a

good person... when I got beat up at school it had to be because I deserved it,

did something wrong... and it would stop when I learned to be good.

I have flashbacks of my 1st divorce from a psycho abuser, how much worse it was

because nada was in control. I had no choice but to live with nada when he

walked out, he left me with nothing but a 2 yr old and the baby I was 6 months

pregnant with... I didn't even have my clothing or a bed for my children. He

" dumped me off " on nada, the place I had run from to begin with. I cared for my

kids the way she instructed, I cleaned her house the way she instructed, took

care of her pets the way she instructed, used her lawyer because I had no money

for my own, pushed all of his buttons which only added to my stress, even though

I just wanted it all to stop... because nada insisted. When my OBGYN told me

how I had almost lost my baby all because of stress, I was to avoid all stress,

all I could do was laugh at him. He never could have understood why I laughed

as hard as I did, almost falling off the table I was laying on.

At one point in my life I learned to thrive on stress, it was the only way to

not let it kill me. I surrounded myself with stress from my kids, my job, every

area of my life because I was NC with nada and didn't know how to live without

the stress. It took me years to beat that habit.

I have been through all of the things that lead up to NC, including the NC for

10 yrs. My problem is that somehow, I got sucked back in and it is harder this

time to get out than it was before. That feeling of obligation is back and

forefront in my life and I no longer have the obligations of a real job, young

children, and a " life of my own " to keep me busy and with a legitimate excuse

that nada can't argue. I finally have a life that I have always wanted... time

to do all of the things that are important to me and not feel guilty for

neglecting my family. This stage of my life is " my turn " now that I have taken

care of everyone else and fixed all of the things that were wrong in my life

from money to relationships. I have a career that I spent the past 15 yrs

building and its all waiting for me, but requires my devotion to make it work...

and her I sit, once again, at the mercy of nada. I am always on call for her.

Now, don't get me wrong, nada is not " bad " 100% of the time. She has her

moments when she can be incredibly awesome. Kind, generous, understanding,

loving. The Jeckyl/Hyde thing is something she does well, and I think often at

will. I hang onto the good times because those are the memories I hope to hang

onto some day when she is gone.

I don't doubt that she loves me, as much as she is capable in the only ways she

seems to know how, so the animosity between us when I thought she simply didn't

love me... gone. I love her, I just don't like her much.

Others tell me to hang onto the good days and make use of them, time for myself

and to move my own life forward... but those others don't understand. The good

times don't last long enough to get anything accomplished, they don't last long

enough for me to get her out of my system before she is back again, as demanding

as ever. The good days seem spaced just right, at intervals that leave me

waiting for the next bomb to drop instead of enjoying a day without them. The

anticipation of what is going to happen next looms over me and clouds every day,

because I know for sure there will be the next time and it will come soon. Nada

can't go a week without a new crisis, mostly its something every day or 2.

Today, so far, I have been granted a reprieve, nada is busy taking care of a

problem with the bank and her property taxes, someone new to snap on. While I

agree she was wronged in some huge ways and has a right to be angry and get it

taken care of, the onslaught with which she has approached it leaves me feeling

bad for the people on the other end. Instead of enjoying the freedom to not

have her burden me with this issue, I sit and wait for her to dump it on me,

because I know its coming, only a matter of when.

I don't know how to rid myself of the obligation I once again feel to her

because she is " mom " and she is completely alone in a horrible situation. I

would do the same for any stranger in her situation, though I know that most

strangers would treat me better and be more appreciative of what I do for them,

which is the reward found in helping someone else.

In spite of nada's efforts over the years to turn me into her mini me, I have

done the work to make sure that I am different. I have often told people that

living with nada did one good thing for me, it taught me how NOT to parent my

children, how NOT to treat other people. When my children were young and I

listened to nada I spanked, I yelled, and yes, sometimes I screamed at them.

Once I severed that tie by enacting NC, my relationship with my children changed

immensely. My son tells me now as an adult, the worst punishment I ever gave my

kids were the long lectures and forcing them to recognize their mistakes and

make amends. He said he preferred the spankings I quit giving because it was

easier to overlook them and move onto the next naughty thing on their list.

I learned how to talk to my kids, how to communicate... the right way, healthy

way... and all I did was what came naturally once nada was gone and not going to

punish me for disobeying her about how I raised and treated my kids.

I want my freedom back without having to abandon her. I keep telling myself how

strong I am to have made it this far and retained any form of sanity so I should

be able to handle this too, but I just don't know if I really can continue to

" handle it " .

When the phone rings I cringe. When the clock strikes 11pm and I am obligated

to " mom sit " , I cringe and try to steal every moment I can before I sit down in

my chair for the beginning of my long night. Last night I was so tired I fell

asleep during the few hours I had with my hubby after work, then dragged myself

out of bed as he was calling it a night. I finally got back to bed about 30

minutes before he had to wake up to get ready for work. I spent most of my day

pacing the house, afraid to start any big projects for fear the phone would

start to ring and I would be left with the usual mess (thats how it always seems

to happen), and there is nothing left to do but the big projects. The " little

stuff " is always done because that is all I can accomplish between caring for

nada and taking care of my family. A person can only spend so much time

cleaning house before they just can't anymore... Sleep isn't an option during

the day most days anymore because it is always interrupted by the phone, which

leaves me more tired and wiped out than if I don't sleep at all. I am ready to

put a shoe through the tv, I sometimes leave them on for background noise, but

seldom do I have the patience to sit and really watch anymore.

It is these sorts of things that I am currently struggling with... the walking

on egg shells is only the 1/2 of it.

Coming here to the group and letting go of all this baggage has served to help

clear my head, which has helped a bit when dealing with nada. I have regained a

little bit of control over our conversations again, hopefully the rest will

come, too. I have found topics that bore her, happy things for me that she just

can't understand... so she cuts me off, sometimes leaves in a huff because I

haven't satisfied her need to unload that night... but it seems to work when I'm

able to work it in nonchalantly. She can't stand to hear all of my positive

thinking, happy moments and plans, etc. How dare I be so happy when she is so

miserable... but I do it anyways because I know I have to protect myself from

her negativity. If I don't she will suck me in so deep I may as well just be

dead because there would be no emotion left. She tries hard enough I have no

doubt that if I let me guard down for just a second it will be all over for me.

I've come too far to ever let that happen.

So... now I am facing boredom as well as the issues with nada, although I could

classify them together because she is in part responsible for my boredom. I

miss " working " online in the forums, helping people who need my help with their

animals... but I can't concentrate and help anyone effectively if nada is always

cutting in on me and breaking my train of thought to focus on her and her

issues. When I get a peaceful night without nada I go back to my " work " and end

up with a mess by end of the next day because she is there, consuming so much of

my time that I can't get back to finish answering those posts. Instead, lately,

I come here now. You will all know now when I have my nada-free moments because

I will be here, lol.

Thank you again, all of you, for listening, understanding, and trying to help.

I know I'll get through it, I'm just getting impatient and needing it to happen

now rather than later.

I hope everyone has a Happy New Year. I am praying that 2011 is better than

2010.

> > >

> > > Army,

> > >

> > > Hugs, hi, and Merry Christmas.

> > >

> > > I can so, so, so relate to everything you wrote. My nada (shortcut here

for not-a, as in, not-really-a-mother) wasn't quite this extreme in her

behavior, but I completely understand the feeling of them wanting to control

your every thought, word, and deed like a sock puppet. It's really tough to

recognize when you were raised by someone like this. An adult raised by healthy

parents would look at your letter and die of shock, but we were only little

children and didn't know.

> > >

> > > What your parent is doing is wayyy, wayyy over the top. Nobody could

possibly ever live as this parent is demanding and survive, let alone be happy

in life. Nobody. I'd post a pile of advice, but these two ladies have it

covered. What they say is spot on.

> > >

> > > You've got to reduce contact with this person, relax, calm down, and get

some sleep before you end up in the hospital or have a nervous breakdown. Try

to give yourself a short holiday from her over Christmas, sleep in, rest, and

curl up with some of these books that have been suggested. These books helped

me identify what was wrong in my relationship with nada and start to take back

my life.

> > >

> > > You can never, never promote any improvement in her life or yours by

giving in to behavior that is repulsive or damaging to you. No matter what she

says, it doesn't help anyone.

> > >

> > > Please take care of yourself. Write in and let us know how you are doing.

And Merry, Merry Christmas.

> > >

> > > --.

> > >

> > >

> > > *this post has been trimmed*

> > >

> >

>

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Posted
Posted

Armyinlaw - run as fast as you can away from her. Don't look back, if you drop

something, leave it. Get away as fast as you can and do what your sister ahs

done - you mother will survive - but you don't have to sacrifice yourself and

your family for her - she will never change and it will never get better. Save

yourself.

>

> Hi everyone! I hope nobody here minds long notes/letters. I have so much to

get out and nowhere else to go with this.

>

> Recently I befriended a psychotherapist who has tried to help me in his

limited " off " time. He is wonderful but just doesn't have the time to devote to

what I need. He suggested I seek out a support group because I am at a point

where I fear for my own sanity.

>

> I don't sleep much anymore, I eat very little, have various health issues and

cannot drive, and feel like a slave to my mother and her life. The stress has

escalated so much over the past year that it is becoming unbearable and I find

myself in tears over the simplest of things. The stress is complicating my

health issues now too. All I want is my life back without having to abandon my

mother at the same time. Is that possible? At this point it doesn't look that

way.

>

> After a number of conversations with my friend he has determined mom has had

bpd all of my life, possibly all of hers. Mom has no idea she has a " problem "

because she believes she is the normal one and everyone else around her has the

problems. Mom has almost no friends, and the few she has managed to make work

hard to keep her at arm's length for their own sanity. I love my mother, so it

hurts me to say honestly that she is " invasive " ... and driving me crazy!

>

> Mom was recently widowed (July 2010) and left alone with a large dog, 3 large

parrots, 40 barn cats, and a 32 acre mess from 25+ yrs of her and my step

father's hoarding lifestyle. The only family mom has left is me and my younger

sister, and my sister has opted out of mom's life over the past few years.

(thats not completely a bad thing) That leaves me as mom's lifeline and she

holds on with an iron fist.

>

> I am about to be 41 yrs old in a few weeks and lately I feel like I am a 10 yr

old child having to play the parenting role. Its awful, and that is putting it

mildly. Mom has invaded every corner of my life and isn't happy unless she is

controlling my every move, all the way down to when I sleep and even when I use

the bathroom. (yes its really that bad) When she is angry mom is very

vindictive and holds a grudge forever. She is still angry and often complains

about things that happened to her over 50 yrs ago, ranting about her father (my

grandpa whom I was very close to and love very much) who has been dead for over

25 yrs now. Mom has no ability to move forward in her life, just deals with

things as they happen to her. I have never known a more negative person in my

life.

>

> Mom is abusive, verbally and emotionally. When she is angry she starts by

cutting the person out of her life completely, then begins plotting and talking

to others about the revenge she seeks. In my case, when mom is angry, it is

handled in way of punishments... yes, she still punishes me whenever I don't do

her bidding, she is very constructive and creative in that way. Mom has few

moments in her life where she isn't extremely angry at someone, deserved or not.

Because she is now completely alone, I carry the load for her pity parties,

ranting anger towards whomever it is that day, constant demands of my time and

energy, and her insistence that she is " mom " therefore it is her duty to run my

life the way she believes it should be run... the only right way... her way. In

mom's world there are only 2 ways, the right way (her way) and the wrong way

(anyone else's way). Anyone who doesn't agree with her on everything, listen to

everything she tells them to do, and allow her the control she seeks over them

and their lives, is the enemy. In my case, it goes a bit deeper... either I

agree with her, which means I love her, or I don't, which means I don't love

her. If I don't love her then she has no point in living anymore and I am " just

as bad as the rest of them " which is reason for punishment.

>

> Mom is extreme in everything and gets quite upset when I don't follow her

traits in my own life. I have so many stories to share, just to get them out, I

don't even know where to begin. I have almost 41 yrs of " baggage " I have been

carrying around with nobody to really share it with. When I tell someone about

mom they disappear from my life or keep a safe distance most of the time. My

psychotherapist friend told me he has heard many horror stories of abuse,

neglect, etc. yet my story is the worst he's ever heard. (and he only knows a

very small portion of it at this point)

>

> I spent the first 17 yrs of my life trying to escape an abusive home.

(abusive parents and abusive sister, verbally, emotionally, and physically) The

next 2 yrs were consumed with marrying an abusive psychopath (he was my way out

of an abusive home... backfired horribly), divorce from him, and 2 children.

The next 7 yrs were spent with my 2nd husband & children battling and hiding

from my 1st husband. The next 10 yrs were spent running away from my family

again, trying to find myself and make a life for myself and my children where

the abuse couldn't touch me. I managed to accomplish my goal during that 10

yrs, even though I lived with another abusive partner during that time.

>

> My final escape came about 6 yrs ago, my 3rd husband. (yes, I know, it took

me a long time to get it right) My current husband is loving, supportive, and

worth the long wait... however, I now have mom back in my life and she is

tearing me apart on a personal level, which is affecting the wonderful life my

husband & I have created for ourselves with my youngest child who is only 14 yrs

old. 6 yrs ago I thought I had found peace. I was wrong.

>

> Since my step father died in July mom has been unbearable and I just don't

know what to do anymore. She demands that I check on her nightly to make sure

she's still alive, because she's alone. These nightly " mom-sitting " sessions

are usually online because I prefer it to the phone, as it allows me a little

more freedom to keep my sanity in check while she is ranting. There are times

she doesn't show up in chat, to which I am then obligated to call her. The

chats last hours until she is ready to let me go to bed, and they don't start

until my family is in bed. Mom insists on having me to herself. If she

suspects anyone is talking to me while we chat she throws a tantrum. I have not

been allowed to go to bed to sleep with my husband in over a year now. By the

time my chats with mom end at night it is often 2 - 3am, by which time I am so

stressed I am wide awake and unable to sleep until 6-7am when my family is just

waking up to start their day. Many mornings by 10 - 11am mom is calling for the

first of many times in a day. Some days she keeps me on the phone for up to 6

hrs at a time, which means my whole day is gone before I am " free " to go about

my day, and by then I am emotionally exhausted. To tell mom either on the phone

or in chat that I need to go is a difficult task because she refuses to hear it.

She will talk over the top of me or ignore what I have said and just keep

talking. If I try to break in she talks faster to stop me. If I make her angry

then she yells at me about how I don't love her, hangs up, and refuses to speak

to me for days, sometimes weeks (unless she feels desperate before that). When

she gets past her anger at me she will then call me on the phone and complain

that I didn't call her sooner, even though I had left her messages daily on her

voicemail and answering machine.. and then the cycle begins again like nothing

ever happened.

>

> Mom is very manipulative and will do whatever it takes to get what she wants,

the way she wants it. The worst was a night when she purposely let herself fall

down the basement stairs and hurt herself quite badly... because I couldn't call

her that night. That was her proof that I had to call EVERY night because

something could happen to her with nobody around to help her.

>

> As you can probably tell by now, I am a mess. I am in tears just typing this

post to the group. I feel as if my wonderful life has been sucked away and I

have been powerless to stop it or to get it back. What am I seeking? Hope.

Help. Understanding... a safe place to get all of this garbage out of my head

so I can SLEEP. I am soooo tired. Advice on how to handle mom without facing

the consequences she is famous for? That would be a blessing if anything

worked. I have run out of ideas, my husband has run out of ideas, my in laws

want me to have mom forcibly committed, and my children miss me. I have known

great desperation at various times in my life, but never anything like this

before.

>

> Is there hope?

>

> Thanks for listening.

>

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Posted
Posted

Armyinlaw - run as fast as you can away from her. Don't look back, if you drop

something, leave it. Get away as fast as you can and do what your sister ahs

done - you mother will survive - but you don't have to sacrifice yourself and

your family for her - she will never change and it will never get better. Save

yourself.

>

> Hi everyone! I hope nobody here minds long notes/letters. I have so much to

get out and nowhere else to go with this.

>

> Recently I befriended a psychotherapist who has tried to help me in his

limited " off " time. He is wonderful but just doesn't have the time to devote to

what I need. He suggested I seek out a support group because I am at a point

where I fear for my own sanity.

>

> I don't sleep much anymore, I eat very little, have various health issues and

cannot drive, and feel like a slave to my mother and her life. The stress has

escalated so much over the past year that it is becoming unbearable and I find

myself in tears over the simplest of things. The stress is complicating my

health issues now too. All I want is my life back without having to abandon my

mother at the same time. Is that possible? At this point it doesn't look that

way.

>

> After a number of conversations with my friend he has determined mom has had

bpd all of my life, possibly all of hers. Mom has no idea she has a " problem "

because she believes she is the normal one and everyone else around her has the

problems. Mom has almost no friends, and the few she has managed to make work

hard to keep her at arm's length for their own sanity. I love my mother, so it

hurts me to say honestly that she is " invasive " ... and driving me crazy!

>

> Mom was recently widowed (July 2010) and left alone with a large dog, 3 large

parrots, 40 barn cats, and a 32 acre mess from 25+ yrs of her and my step

father's hoarding lifestyle. The only family mom has left is me and my younger

sister, and my sister has opted out of mom's life over the past few years.

(thats not completely a bad thing) That leaves me as mom's lifeline and she

holds on with an iron fist.

>

> I am about to be 41 yrs old in a few weeks and lately I feel like I am a 10 yr

old child having to play the parenting role. Its awful, and that is putting it

mildly. Mom has invaded every corner of my life and isn't happy unless she is

controlling my every move, all the way down to when I sleep and even when I use

the bathroom. (yes its really that bad) When she is angry mom is very

vindictive and holds a grudge forever. She is still angry and often complains

about things that happened to her over 50 yrs ago, ranting about her father (my

grandpa whom I was very close to and love very much) who has been dead for over

25 yrs now. Mom has no ability to move forward in her life, just deals with

things as they happen to her. I have never known a more negative person in my

life.

>

> Mom is abusive, verbally and emotionally. When she is angry she starts by

cutting the person out of her life completely, then begins plotting and talking

to others about the revenge she seeks. In my case, when mom is angry, it is

handled in way of punishments... yes, she still punishes me whenever I don't do

her bidding, she is very constructive and creative in that way. Mom has few

moments in her life where she isn't extremely angry at someone, deserved or not.

Because she is now completely alone, I carry the load for her pity parties,

ranting anger towards whomever it is that day, constant demands of my time and

energy, and her insistence that she is " mom " therefore it is her duty to run my

life the way she believes it should be run... the only right way... her way. In

mom's world there are only 2 ways, the right way (her way) and the wrong way

(anyone else's way). Anyone who doesn't agree with her on everything, listen to

everything she tells them to do, and allow her the control she seeks over them

and their lives, is the enemy. In my case, it goes a bit deeper... either I

agree with her, which means I love her, or I don't, which means I don't love

her. If I don't love her then she has no point in living anymore and I am " just

as bad as the rest of them " which is reason for punishment.

>

> Mom is extreme in everything and gets quite upset when I don't follow her

traits in my own life. I have so many stories to share, just to get them out, I

don't even know where to begin. I have almost 41 yrs of " baggage " I have been

carrying around with nobody to really share it with. When I tell someone about

mom they disappear from my life or keep a safe distance most of the time. My

psychotherapist friend told me he has heard many horror stories of abuse,

neglect, etc. yet my story is the worst he's ever heard. (and he only knows a

very small portion of it at this point)

>

> I spent the first 17 yrs of my life trying to escape an abusive home.

(abusive parents and abusive sister, verbally, emotionally, and physically) The

next 2 yrs were consumed with marrying an abusive psychopath (he was my way out

of an abusive home... backfired horribly), divorce from him, and 2 children.

The next 7 yrs were spent with my 2nd husband & children battling and hiding

from my 1st husband. The next 10 yrs were spent running away from my family

again, trying to find myself and make a life for myself and my children where

the abuse couldn't touch me. I managed to accomplish my goal during that 10

yrs, even though I lived with another abusive partner during that time.

>

> My final escape came about 6 yrs ago, my 3rd husband. (yes, I know, it took

me a long time to get it right) My current husband is loving, supportive, and

worth the long wait... however, I now have mom back in my life and she is

tearing me apart on a personal level, which is affecting the wonderful life my

husband & I have created for ourselves with my youngest child who is only 14 yrs

old. 6 yrs ago I thought I had found peace. I was wrong.

>

> Since my step father died in July mom has been unbearable and I just don't

know what to do anymore. She demands that I check on her nightly to make sure

she's still alive, because she's alone. These nightly " mom-sitting " sessions

are usually online because I prefer it to the phone, as it allows me a little

more freedom to keep my sanity in check while she is ranting. There are times

she doesn't show up in chat, to which I am then obligated to call her. The

chats last hours until she is ready to let me go to bed, and they don't start

until my family is in bed. Mom insists on having me to herself. If she

suspects anyone is talking to me while we chat she throws a tantrum. I have not

been allowed to go to bed to sleep with my husband in over a year now. By the

time my chats with mom end at night it is often 2 - 3am, by which time I am so

stressed I am wide awake and unable to sleep until 6-7am when my family is just

waking up to start their day. Many mornings by 10 - 11am mom is calling for the

first of many times in a day. Some days she keeps me on the phone for up to 6

hrs at a time, which means my whole day is gone before I am " free " to go about

my day, and by then I am emotionally exhausted. To tell mom either on the phone

or in chat that I need to go is a difficult task because she refuses to hear it.

She will talk over the top of me or ignore what I have said and just keep

talking. If I try to break in she talks faster to stop me. If I make her angry

then she yells at me about how I don't love her, hangs up, and refuses to speak

to me for days, sometimes weeks (unless she feels desperate before that). When

she gets past her anger at me she will then call me on the phone and complain

that I didn't call her sooner, even though I had left her messages daily on her

voicemail and answering machine.. and then the cycle begins again like nothing

ever happened.

>

> Mom is very manipulative and will do whatever it takes to get what she wants,

the way she wants it. The worst was a night when she purposely let herself fall

down the basement stairs and hurt herself quite badly... because I couldn't call

her that night. That was her proof that I had to call EVERY night because

something could happen to her with nobody around to help her.

>

> As you can probably tell by now, I am a mess. I am in tears just typing this

post to the group. I feel as if my wonderful life has been sucked away and I

have been powerless to stop it or to get it back. What am I seeking? Hope.

Help. Understanding... a safe place to get all of this garbage out of my head

so I can SLEEP. I am soooo tired. Advice on how to handle mom without facing

the consequences she is famous for? That would be a blessing if anything

worked. I have run out of ideas, my husband has run out of ideas, my in laws

want me to have mom forcibly committed, and my children miss me. I have known

great desperation at various times in my life, but never anything like this

before.

>

> Is there hope?

>

> Thanks for listening.

>

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Posted
Posted

have you read Emotional Blackmail yet?

Also, have you found a therapist yet?

You can retrain your super ego if you get some help.

On Thu, Dec 30, 2010 at 5:11 PM, dianajaye2000 wrote:

>

>

> Armyinlaw - run as fast as you can away from her. Don't look back, if you

> drop something, leave it. Get away as fast as you can and do what your

> sister ahs done - you mother will survive - but you don't have to sacrifice

> yourself and your family for her - she will never change and it will never

> get better. Save yourself.

>

>

>

> >

> > Hi everyone! I hope nobody here minds long notes/letters. I have so much

> to get out and nowhere else to go with this.

> >

> > Recently I befriended a psychotherapist who has tried to help me in his

> limited " off " time. He is wonderful but just doesn't have the time to devote

> to what I need. He suggested I seek out a support group because I am at a

> point where I fear for my own sanity.

> >

> > I don't sleep much anymore, I eat very little, have various health issues

> and cannot drive, and feel like a slave to my mother and her life. The

> stress has escalated so much over the past year that it is becoming

> unbearable and I find myself in tears over the simplest of things. The

> stress is complicating my health issues now too. All I want is my life back

> without having to abandon my mother at the same time. Is that possible? At

> this point it doesn't look that way.

> >

> > After a number of conversations with my friend he has determined mom has

> had bpd all of my life, possibly all of hers. Mom has no idea she has a

> " problem " because she believes she is the normal one and everyone else

> around her has the problems. Mom has almost no friends, and the few she has

> managed to make work hard to keep her at arm's length for their own sanity.

> I love my mother, so it hurts me to say honestly that she is " invasive " ...

> and driving me crazy!

> >

> > Mom was recently widowed (July 2010) and left alone with a large dog, 3

> large parrots, 40 barn cats, and a 32 acre mess from 25+ yrs of her and my

> step father's hoarding lifestyle. The only family mom has left is me and my

> younger sister, and my sister has opted out of mom's life over the past few

> years. (thats not completely a bad thing) That leaves me as mom's lifeline

> and she holds on with an iron fist.

> >

> > I am about to be 41 yrs old in a few weeks and lately I feel like I am a

> 10 yr old child having to play the parenting role. Its awful, and that is

> putting it mildly. Mom has invaded every corner of my life and isn't happy

> unless she is controlling my every move, all the way down to when I sleep

> and even when I use the bathroom. (yes its really that bad) When she is

> angry mom is very vindictive and holds a grudge forever. She is still angry

> and often complains about things that happened to her over 50 yrs ago,

> ranting about her father (my grandpa whom I was very close to and love very

> much) who has been dead for over 25 yrs now. Mom has no ability to move

> forward in her life, just deals with things as they happen to her. I have

> never known a more negative person in my life.

> >

> > Mom is abusive, verbally and emotionally. When she is angry she starts by

> cutting the person out of her life completely, then begins plotting and

> talking to others about the revenge she seeks. In my case, when mom is

> angry, it is handled in way of punishments... yes, she still punishes me

> whenever I don't do her bidding, she is very constructive and creative in

> that way. Mom has few moments in her life where she isn't extremely angry at

> someone, deserved or not. Because she is now completely alone, I carry the

> load for her pity parties, ranting anger towards whomever it is that day,

> constant demands of my time and energy, and her insistence that she is " mom "

> therefore it is her duty to run my life the way she believes it should be

> run... the only right way... her way. In mom's world there are only 2 ways,

> the right way (her way) and the wrong way (anyone else's way). Anyone who

> doesn't agree with her on everything, listen to everything she tells them to

> do, and allow her the control she seeks over them and their lives, is the

> enemy. In my case, it goes a bit deeper... either I agree with her, which

> means I love her, or I don't, which means I don't love her. If I don't love

> her then she has no point in living anymore and I am " just as bad as the

> rest of them " which is reason for punishment.

> >

> > Mom is extreme in everything and gets quite upset when I don't follow her

> traits in my own life. I have so many stories to share, just to get them

> out, I don't even know where to begin. I have almost 41 yrs of " baggage " I

> have been carrying around with nobody to really share it with. When I tell

> someone about mom they disappear from my life or keep a safe distance most

> of the time. My psychotherapist friend told me he has heard many horror

> stories of abuse, neglect, etc. yet my story is the worst he's ever heard.

> (and he only knows a very small portion of it at this point)

> >

> > I spent the first 17 yrs of my life trying to escape an abusive home.

> (abusive parents and abusive sister, verbally, emotionally, and physically)

> The next 2 yrs were consumed with marrying an abusive psychopath (he was my

> way out of an abusive home... backfired horribly), divorce from him, and 2

> children. The next 7 yrs were spent with my 2nd husband & children battling

> and hiding from my 1st husband. The next 10 yrs were spent running away from

> my family again, trying to find myself and make a life for myself and my

> children where the abuse couldn't touch me. I managed to accomplish my goal

> during that 10 yrs, even though I lived with another abusive partner during

> that time.

> >

> > My final escape came about 6 yrs ago, my 3rd husband. (yes, I know, it

> took me a long time to get it right) My current husband is loving,

> supportive, and worth the long wait... however, I now have mom back in my

> life and she is tearing me apart on a personal level, which is affecting the

> wonderful life my husband & I have created for ourselves with my youngest

> child who is only 14 yrs old. 6 yrs ago I thought I had found peace. I was

> wrong.

> >

> > Since my step father died in July mom has been unbearable and I just

> don't know what to do anymore. She demands that I check on her nightly to

> make sure she's still alive, because she's alone. These nightly

> " mom-sitting " sessions are usually online because I prefer it to the phone,

> as it allows me a little more freedom to keep my sanity in check while she

> is ranting. There are times she doesn't show up in chat, to which I am then

> obligated to call her. The chats last hours until she is ready to let me go

> to bed, and they don't start until my family is in bed. Mom insists on

> having me to herself. If she suspects anyone is talking to me while we chat

> she throws a tantrum. I have not been allowed to go to bed to sleep with my

> husband in over a year now. By the time my chats with mom end at night it is

> often 2 - 3am, by which time I am so stressed I am wide awake and unable to

> sleep until 6-7am when my family is just waking up to start their day. Many

> mornings by 10 - 11am mom is calling for the first of many times in a day.

> Some days she keeps me on the phone for up to 6 hrs at a time, which means

> my whole day is gone before I am " free " to go about my day, and by then I am

> emotionally exhausted. To tell mom either on the phone or in chat that I

> need to go is a difficult task because she refuses to hear it. She will talk

> over the top of me or ignore what I have said and just keep talking. If I

> try to break in she talks faster to stop me. If I make her angry then she

> yells at me about how I don't love her, hangs up, and refuses to speak to me

> for days, sometimes weeks (unless she feels desperate before that). When she

> gets past her anger at me she will then call me on the phone and complain

> that I didn't call her sooner, even though I had left her messages daily on

> her voicemail and answering machine.. and then the cycle begins again like

> nothing ever happened.

> >

> > Mom is very manipulative and will do whatever it takes to get what she

> wants, the way she wants it. The worst was a night when she purposely let

> herself fall down the basement stairs and hurt herself quite badly...

> because I couldn't call her that night. That was her proof that I had to

> call EVERY night because something could happen to her with nobody around to

> help her.

> >

> > As you can probably tell by now, I am a mess. I am in tears just typing

> this post to the group. I feel as if my wonderful life has been sucked away

> and I have been powerless to stop it or to get it back. What am I seeking?

> Hope. Help. Understanding... a safe place to get all of this garbage out of

> my head so I can SLEEP. I am soooo tired. Advice on how to handle mom

> without facing the consequences she is famous for? That would be a blessing

> if anything worked. I have run out of ideas, my husband has run out of

> ideas, my in laws want me to have mom forcibly committed, and my children

> miss me. I have known great desperation at various times in my life, but

> never anything like this before.

> >

> > Is there hope?

> >

> > Thanks for listening.

> >

>

>

>

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Posted
Posted

have you read Emotional Blackmail yet?

Also, have you found a therapist yet?

You can retrain your super ego if you get some help.

On Thu, Dec 30, 2010 at 5:11 PM, dianajaye2000 wrote:

>

>

> Armyinlaw - run as fast as you can away from her. Don't look back, if you

> drop something, leave it. Get away as fast as you can and do what your

> sister ahs done - you mother will survive - but you don't have to sacrifice

> yourself and your family for her - she will never change and it will never

> get better. Save yourself.

>

>

>

> >

> > Hi everyone! I hope nobody here minds long notes/letters. I have so much

> to get out and nowhere else to go with this.

> >

> > Recently I befriended a psychotherapist who has tried to help me in his

> limited " off " time. He is wonderful but just doesn't have the time to devote

> to what I need. He suggested I seek out a support group because I am at a

> point where I fear for my own sanity.

> >

> > I don't sleep much anymore, I eat very little, have various health issues

> and cannot drive, and feel like a slave to my mother and her life. The

> stress has escalated so much over the past year that it is becoming

> unbearable and I find myself in tears over the simplest of things. The

> stress is complicating my health issues now too. All I want is my life back

> without having to abandon my mother at the same time. Is that possible? At

> this point it doesn't look that way.

> >

> > After a number of conversations with my friend he has determined mom has

> had bpd all of my life, possibly all of hers. Mom has no idea she has a

> " problem " because she believes she is the normal one and everyone else

> around her has the problems. Mom has almost no friends, and the few she has

> managed to make work hard to keep her at arm's length for their own sanity.

> I love my mother, so it hurts me to say honestly that she is " invasive " ...

> and driving me crazy!

> >

> > Mom was recently widowed (July 2010) and left alone with a large dog, 3

> large parrots, 40 barn cats, and a 32 acre mess from 25+ yrs of her and my

> step father's hoarding lifestyle. The only family mom has left is me and my

> younger sister, and my sister has opted out of mom's life over the past few

> years. (thats not completely a bad thing) That leaves me as mom's lifeline

> and she holds on with an iron fist.

> >

> > I am about to be 41 yrs old in a few weeks and lately I feel like I am a

> 10 yr old child having to play the parenting role. Its awful, and that is

> putting it mildly. Mom has invaded every corner of my life and isn't happy

> unless she is controlling my every move, all the way down to when I sleep

> and even when I use the bathroom. (yes its really that bad) When she is

> angry mom is very vindictive and holds a grudge forever. She is still angry

> and often complains about things that happened to her over 50 yrs ago,

> ranting about her father (my grandpa whom I was very close to and love very

> much) who has been dead for over 25 yrs now. Mom has no ability to move

> forward in her life, just deals with things as they happen to her. I have

> never known a more negative person in my life.

> >

> > Mom is abusive, verbally and emotionally. When she is angry she starts by

> cutting the person out of her life completely, then begins plotting and

> talking to others about the revenge she seeks. In my case, when mom is

> angry, it is handled in way of punishments... yes, she still punishes me

> whenever I don't do her bidding, she is very constructive and creative in

> that way. Mom has few moments in her life where she isn't extremely angry at

> someone, deserved or not. Because she is now completely alone, I carry the

> load for her pity parties, ranting anger towards whomever it is that day,

> constant demands of my time and energy, and her insistence that she is " mom "

> therefore it is her duty to run my life the way she believes it should be

> run... the only right way... her way. In mom's world there are only 2 ways,

> the right way (her way) and the wrong way (anyone else's way). Anyone who

> doesn't agree with her on everything, listen to everything she tells them to

> do, and allow her the control she seeks over them and their lives, is the

> enemy. In my case, it goes a bit deeper... either I agree with her, which

> means I love her, or I don't, which means I don't love her. If I don't love

> her then she has no point in living anymore and I am " just as bad as the

> rest of them " which is reason for punishment.

> >

> > Mom is extreme in everything and gets quite upset when I don't follow her

> traits in my own life. I have so many stories to share, just to get them

> out, I don't even know where to begin. I have almost 41 yrs of " baggage " I

> have been carrying around with nobody to really share it with. When I tell

> someone about mom they disappear from my life or keep a safe distance most

> of the time. My psychotherapist friend told me he has heard many horror

> stories of abuse, neglect, etc. yet my story is the worst he's ever heard.

> (and he only knows a very small portion of it at this point)

> >

> > I spent the first 17 yrs of my life trying to escape an abusive home.

> (abusive parents and abusive sister, verbally, emotionally, and physically)

> The next 2 yrs were consumed with marrying an abusive psychopath (he was my

> way out of an abusive home... backfired horribly), divorce from him, and 2

> children. The next 7 yrs were spent with my 2nd husband & children battling

> and hiding from my 1st husband. The next 10 yrs were spent running away from

> my family again, trying to find myself and make a life for myself and my

> children where the abuse couldn't touch me. I managed to accomplish my goal

> during that 10 yrs, even though I lived with another abusive partner during

> that time.

> >

> > My final escape came about 6 yrs ago, my 3rd husband. (yes, I know, it

> took me a long time to get it right) My current husband is loving,

> supportive, and worth the long wait... however, I now have mom back in my

> life and she is tearing me apart on a personal level, which is affecting the

> wonderful life my husband & I have created for ourselves with my youngest

> child who is only 14 yrs old. 6 yrs ago I thought I had found peace. I was

> wrong.

> >

> > Since my step father died in July mom has been unbearable and I just

> don't know what to do anymore. She demands that I check on her nightly to

> make sure she's still alive, because she's alone. These nightly

> " mom-sitting " sessions are usually online because I prefer it to the phone,

> as it allows me a little more freedom to keep my sanity in check while she

> is ranting. There are times she doesn't show up in chat, to which I am then

> obligated to call her. The chats last hours until she is ready to let me go

> to bed, and they don't start until my family is in bed. Mom insists on

> having me to herself. If she suspects anyone is talking to me while we chat

> she throws a tantrum. I have not been allowed to go to bed to sleep with my

> husband in over a year now. By the time my chats with mom end at night it is

> often 2 - 3am, by which time I am so stressed I am wide awake and unable to

> sleep until 6-7am when my family is just waking up to start their day. Many

> mornings by 10 - 11am mom is calling for the first of many times in a day.

> Some days she keeps me on the phone for up to 6 hrs at a time, which means

> my whole day is gone before I am " free " to go about my day, and by then I am

> emotionally exhausted. To tell mom either on the phone or in chat that I

> need to go is a difficult task because she refuses to hear it. She will talk

> over the top of me or ignore what I have said and just keep talking. If I

> try to break in she talks faster to stop me. If I make her angry then she

> yells at me about how I don't love her, hangs up, and refuses to speak to me

> for days, sometimes weeks (unless she feels desperate before that). When she

> gets past her anger at me she will then call me on the phone and complain

> that I didn't call her sooner, even though I had left her messages daily on

> her voicemail and answering machine.. and then the cycle begins again like

> nothing ever happened.

> >

> > Mom is very manipulative and will do whatever it takes to get what she

> wants, the way she wants it. The worst was a night when she purposely let

> herself fall down the basement stairs and hurt herself quite badly...

> because I couldn't call her that night. That was her proof that I had to

> call EVERY night because something could happen to her with nobody around to

> help her.

> >

> > As you can probably tell by now, I am a mess. I am in tears just typing

> this post to the group. I feel as if my wonderful life has been sucked away

> and I have been powerless to stop it or to get it back. What am I seeking?

> Hope. Help. Understanding... a safe place to get all of this garbage out of

> my head so I can SLEEP. I am soooo tired. Advice on how to handle mom

> without facing the consequences she is famous for? That would be a blessing

> if anything worked. I have run out of ideas, my husband has run out of

> ideas, my in laws want me to have mom forcibly committed, and my children

> miss me. I have known great desperation at various times in my life, but

> never anything like this before.

> >

> > Is there hope?

> >

> > Thanks for listening.

> >

>

>

>

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Posted
Posted

dianajaye2000,

I found out the hard way that running away doesn't solve anything. I tried that

years ago, it bought me 10 yrs of peace from nada and a chance to find myself,

and now things are worse than ever, just in different ways. I have never been a

person to run away from my problems but instead, I choose to face them head on.

I run at times to take a break, catch my breath, regroup... but I always jump

right back in until the problem is resolved. That is just me and how I live

life. There are some things you just can't run away from, and in my life, nada

is one of them. I have developed some amazing coping skills that have served me

well through my adult life, I just had to learn them the hard way as a child.

Every so often I go into overload, when nada adds to an already stressful time

in my life... and I need time to get it out of my system so I can once again

regroup and do whatever has to be done, like it or not. My life is like a

balancing act without a net, so I am extra careful of what I take on at a given

time. I'm still walking, talking, functioning, and thriving as a person, so I

figure I must be doing something right. With this group to help see me through

the stress of the rough spots, I have high hopes of thriving more in the years

to come.

> >

> > Hi everyone! I hope nobody here minds long notes/letters. I have so much

to get out and nowhere else to go with this.

> >

> > Recently I befriended a psychotherapist who has tried to help me in his

limited " off " time. He is wonderful but just doesn't have the time to devote to

what I need. He suggested I seek out a support group because I am at a point

where I fear for my own sanity.

> >

> > I don't sleep much anymore, I eat very little, have various health issues

and cannot drive, and feel like a slave to my mother and her life. The stress

has escalated so much over the past year that it is becoming unbearable and I

find myself in tears over the simplest of things. The stress is complicating my

health issues now too. All I want is my life back without having to abandon my

mother at the same time. Is that possible? At this point it doesn't look that

way.

> >

> > After a number of conversations with my friend he has determined mom has had

bpd all of my life, possibly all of hers. Mom has no idea she has a " problem "

because she believes she is the normal one and everyone else around her has the

problems. Mom has almost no friends, and the few she has managed to make work

hard to keep her at arm's length for their own sanity. I love my mother, so it

hurts me to say honestly that she is " invasive " ... and driving me crazy!

> >

> > Mom was recently widowed (July 2010) and left alone with a large dog, 3

large parrots, 40 barn cats, and a 32 acre mess from 25+ yrs of her and my step

father's hoarding lifestyle. The only family mom has left is me and my younger

sister, and my sister has opted out of mom's life over the past few years.

(thats not completely a bad thing) That leaves me as mom's lifeline and she

holds on with an iron fist.

> >

> > I am about to be 41 yrs old in a few weeks and lately I feel like I am a 10

yr old child having to play the parenting role. Its awful, and that is putting

it mildly. Mom has invaded every corner of my life and isn't happy unless she

is controlling my every move, all the way down to when I sleep and even when I

use the bathroom. (yes its really that bad) When she is angry mom is very

vindictive and holds a grudge forever. She is still angry and often complains

about things that happened to her over 50 yrs ago, ranting about her father (my

grandpa whom I was very close to and love very much) who has been dead for over

25 yrs now. Mom has no ability to move forward in her life, just deals with

things as they happen to her. I have never known a more negative person in my

life.

> >

> > Mom is abusive, verbally and emotionally. When she is angry she starts by

cutting the person out of her life completely, then begins plotting and talking

to others about the revenge she seeks. In my case, when mom is angry, it is

handled in way of punishments... yes, she still punishes me whenever I don't do

her bidding, she is very constructive and creative in that way. Mom has few

moments in her life where she isn't extremely angry at someone, deserved or not.

Because she is now completely alone, I carry the load for her pity parties,

ranting anger towards whomever it is that day, constant demands of my time and

energy, and her insistence that she is " mom " therefore it is her duty to run my

life the way she believes it should be run... the only right way... her way. In

mom's world there are only 2 ways, the right way (her way) and the wrong way

(anyone else's way). Anyone who doesn't agree with her on everything, listen to

everything she tells them to do, and allow her the control she seeks over them

and their lives, is the enemy. In my case, it goes a bit deeper... either I

agree with her, which means I love her, or I don't, which means I don't love

her. If I don't love her then she has no point in living anymore and I am " just

as bad as the rest of them " which is reason for punishment.

> >

> > Mom is extreme in everything and gets quite upset when I don't follow her

traits in my own life. I have so many stories to share, just to get them out, I

don't even know where to begin. I have almost 41 yrs of " baggage " I have been

carrying around with nobody to really share it with. When I tell someone about

mom they disappear from my life or keep a safe distance most of the time. My

psychotherapist friend told me he has heard many horror stories of abuse,

neglect, etc. yet my story is the worst he's ever heard. (and he only knows a

very small portion of it at this point)

> >

> > I spent the first 17 yrs of my life trying to escape an abusive home.

(abusive parents and abusive sister, verbally, emotionally, and physically) The

next 2 yrs were consumed with marrying an abusive psychopath (he was my way out

of an abusive home... backfired horribly), divorce from him, and 2 children.

The next 7 yrs were spent with my 2nd husband & children battling and hiding

from my 1st husband. The next 10 yrs were spent running away from my family

again, trying to find myself and make a life for myself and my children where

the abuse couldn't touch me. I managed to accomplish my goal during that 10

yrs, even though I lived with another abusive partner during that time.

> >

> > My final escape came about 6 yrs ago, my 3rd husband. (yes, I know, it took

me a long time to get it right) My current husband is loving, supportive, and

worth the long wait... however, I now have mom back in my life and she is

tearing me apart on a personal level, which is affecting the wonderful life my

husband & I have created for ourselves with my youngest child who is only 14 yrs

old. 6 yrs ago I thought I had found peace. I was wrong.

> >

> > Since my step father died in July mom has been unbearable and I just don't

know what to do anymore. She demands that I check on her nightly to make sure

she's still alive, because she's alone. These nightly " mom-sitting " sessions

are usually online because I prefer it to the phone, as it allows me a little

more freedom to keep my sanity in check while she is ranting. There are times

she doesn't show up in chat, to which I am then obligated to call her. The

chats last hours until she is ready to let me go to bed, and they don't start

until my family is in bed. Mom insists on having me to herself. If she

suspects anyone is talking to me while we chat she throws a tantrum. I have not

been allowed to go to bed to sleep with my husband in over a year now. By the

time my chats with mom end at night it is often 2 - 3am, by which time I am so

stressed I am wide awake and unable to sleep until 6-7am when my family is just

waking up to start their day. Many mornings by 10 - 11am mom is calling for the

first of many times in a day. Some days she keeps me on the phone for up to 6

hrs at a time, which means my whole day is gone before I am " free " to go about

my day, and by then I am emotionally exhausted. To tell mom either on the phone

or in chat that I need to go is a difficult task because she refuses to hear it.

She will talk over the top of me or ignore what I have said and just keep

talking. If I try to break in she talks faster to stop me. If I make her angry

then she yells at me about how I don't love her, hangs up, and refuses to speak

to me for days, sometimes weeks (unless she feels desperate before that). When

she gets past her anger at me she will then call me on the phone and complain

that I didn't call her sooner, even though I had left her messages daily on her

voicemail and answering machine.. and then the cycle begins again like nothing

ever happened.

> >

> > Mom is very manipulative and will do whatever it takes to get what she

wants, the way she wants it. The worst was a night when she purposely let

herself fall down the basement stairs and hurt herself quite badly... because I

couldn't call her that night. That was her proof that I had to call EVERY night

because something could happen to her with nobody around to help her.

> >

> > As you can probably tell by now, I am a mess. I am in tears just typing

this post to the group. I feel as if my wonderful life has been sucked away and

I have been powerless to stop it or to get it back. What am I seeking? Hope.

Help. Understanding... a safe place to get all of this garbage out of my head

so I can SLEEP. I am soooo tired. Advice on how to handle mom without facing

the consequences she is famous for? That would be a blessing if anything

worked. I have run out of ideas, my husband has run out of ideas, my in laws

want me to have mom forcibly committed, and my children miss me. I have known

great desperation at various times in my life, but never anything like this

before.

> >

> > Is there hope?

> >

> > Thanks for listening.

> >

>

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Share on other sites
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Posted
Posted

dianajaye2000,

I found out the hard way that running away doesn't solve anything. I tried that

years ago, it bought me 10 yrs of peace from nada and a chance to find myself,

and now things are worse than ever, just in different ways. I have never been a

person to run away from my problems but instead, I choose to face them head on.

I run at times to take a break, catch my breath, regroup... but I always jump

right back in until the problem is resolved. That is just me and how I live

life. There are some things you just can't run away from, and in my life, nada

is one of them. I have developed some amazing coping skills that have served me

well through my adult life, I just had to learn them the hard way as a child.

Every so often I go into overload, when nada adds to an already stressful time

in my life... and I need time to get it out of my system so I can once again

regroup and do whatever has to be done, like it or not. My life is like a

balancing act without a net, so I am extra careful of what I take on at a given

time. I'm still walking, talking, functioning, and thriving as a person, so I

figure I must be doing something right. With this group to help see me through

the stress of the rough spots, I have high hopes of thriving more in the years

to come.

> >

> > Hi everyone! I hope nobody here minds long notes/letters. I have so much

to get out and nowhere else to go with this.

> >

> > Recently I befriended a psychotherapist who has tried to help me in his

limited " off " time. He is wonderful but just doesn't have the time to devote to

what I need. He suggested I seek out a support group because I am at a point

where I fear for my own sanity.

> >

> > I don't sleep much anymore, I eat very little, have various health issues

and cannot drive, and feel like a slave to my mother and her life. The stress

has escalated so much over the past year that it is becoming unbearable and I

find myself in tears over the simplest of things. The stress is complicating my

health issues now too. All I want is my life back without having to abandon my

mother at the same time. Is that possible? At this point it doesn't look that

way.

> >

> > After a number of conversations with my friend he has determined mom has had

bpd all of my life, possibly all of hers. Mom has no idea she has a " problem "

because she believes she is the normal one and everyone else around her has the

problems. Mom has almost no friends, and the few she has managed to make work

hard to keep her at arm's length for their own sanity. I love my mother, so it

hurts me to say honestly that she is " invasive " ... and driving me crazy!

> >

> > Mom was recently widowed (July 2010) and left alone with a large dog, 3

large parrots, 40 barn cats, and a 32 acre mess from 25+ yrs of her and my step

father's hoarding lifestyle. The only family mom has left is me and my younger

sister, and my sister has opted out of mom's life over the past few years.

(thats not completely a bad thing) That leaves me as mom's lifeline and she

holds on with an iron fist.

> >

> > I am about to be 41 yrs old in a few weeks and lately I feel like I am a 10

yr old child having to play the parenting role. Its awful, and that is putting

it mildly. Mom has invaded every corner of my life and isn't happy unless she

is controlling my every move, all the way down to when I sleep and even when I

use the bathroom. (yes its really that bad) When she is angry mom is very

vindictive and holds a grudge forever. She is still angry and often complains

about things that happened to her over 50 yrs ago, ranting about her father (my

grandpa whom I was very close to and love very much) who has been dead for over

25 yrs now. Mom has no ability to move forward in her life, just deals with

things as they happen to her. I have never known a more negative person in my

life.

> >

> > Mom is abusive, verbally and emotionally. When she is angry she starts by

cutting the person out of her life completely, then begins plotting and talking

to others about the revenge she seeks. In my case, when mom is angry, it is

handled in way of punishments... yes, she still punishes me whenever I don't do

her bidding, she is very constructive and creative in that way. Mom has few

moments in her life where she isn't extremely angry at someone, deserved or not.

Because she is now completely alone, I carry the load for her pity parties,

ranting anger towards whomever it is that day, constant demands of my time and

energy, and her insistence that she is " mom " therefore it is her duty to run my

life the way she believes it should be run... the only right way... her way. In

mom's world there are only 2 ways, the right way (her way) and the wrong way

(anyone else's way). Anyone who doesn't agree with her on everything, listen to

everything she tells them to do, and allow her the control she seeks over them

and their lives, is the enemy. In my case, it goes a bit deeper... either I

agree with her, which means I love her, or I don't, which means I don't love

her. If I don't love her then she has no point in living anymore and I am " just

as bad as the rest of them " which is reason for punishment.

> >

> > Mom is extreme in everything and gets quite upset when I don't follow her

traits in my own life. I have so many stories to share, just to get them out, I

don't even know where to begin. I have almost 41 yrs of " baggage " I have been

carrying around with nobody to really share it with. When I tell someone about

mom they disappear from my life or keep a safe distance most of the time. My

psychotherapist friend told me he has heard many horror stories of abuse,

neglect, etc. yet my story is the worst he's ever heard. (and he only knows a

very small portion of it at this point)

> >

> > I spent the first 17 yrs of my life trying to escape an abusive home.

(abusive parents and abusive sister, verbally, emotionally, and physically) The

next 2 yrs were consumed with marrying an abusive psychopath (he was my way out

of an abusive home... backfired horribly), divorce from him, and 2 children.

The next 7 yrs were spent with my 2nd husband & children battling and hiding

from my 1st husband. The next 10 yrs were spent running away from my family

again, trying to find myself and make a life for myself and my children where

the abuse couldn't touch me. I managed to accomplish my goal during that 10

yrs, even though I lived with another abusive partner during that time.

> >

> > My final escape came about 6 yrs ago, my 3rd husband. (yes, I know, it took

me a long time to get it right) My current husband is loving, supportive, and

worth the long wait... however, I now have mom back in my life and she is

tearing me apart on a personal level, which is affecting the wonderful life my

husband & I have created for ourselves with my youngest child who is only 14 yrs

old. 6 yrs ago I thought I had found peace. I was wrong.

> >

> > Since my step father died in July mom has been unbearable and I just don't

know what to do anymore. She demands that I check on her nightly to make sure

she's still alive, because she's alone. These nightly " mom-sitting " sessions

are usually online because I prefer it to the phone, as it allows me a little

more freedom to keep my sanity in check while she is ranting. There are times

she doesn't show up in chat, to which I am then obligated to call her. The

chats last hours until she is ready to let me go to bed, and they don't start

until my family is in bed. Mom insists on having me to herself. If she

suspects anyone is talking to me while we chat she throws a tantrum. I have not

been allowed to go to bed to sleep with my husband in over a year now. By the

time my chats with mom end at night it is often 2 - 3am, by which time I am so

stressed I am wide awake and unable to sleep until 6-7am when my family is just

waking up to start their day. Many mornings by 10 - 11am mom is calling for the

first of many times in a day. Some days she keeps me on the phone for up to 6

hrs at a time, which means my whole day is gone before I am " free " to go about

my day, and by then I am emotionally exhausted. To tell mom either on the phone

or in chat that I need to go is a difficult task because she refuses to hear it.

She will talk over the top of me or ignore what I have said and just keep

talking. If I try to break in she talks faster to stop me. If I make her angry

then she yells at me about how I don't love her, hangs up, and refuses to speak

to me for days, sometimes weeks (unless she feels desperate before that). When

she gets past her anger at me she will then call me on the phone and complain

that I didn't call her sooner, even though I had left her messages daily on her

voicemail and answering machine.. and then the cycle begins again like nothing

ever happened.

> >

> > Mom is very manipulative and will do whatever it takes to get what she

wants, the way she wants it. The worst was a night when she purposely let

herself fall down the basement stairs and hurt herself quite badly... because I

couldn't call her that night. That was her proof that I had to call EVERY night

because something could happen to her with nobody around to help her.

> >

> > As you can probably tell by now, I am a mess. I am in tears just typing

this post to the group. I feel as if my wonderful life has been sucked away and

I have been powerless to stop it or to get it back. What am I seeking? Hope.

Help. Understanding... a safe place to get all of this garbage out of my head

so I can SLEEP. I am soooo tired. Advice on how to handle mom without facing

the consequences she is famous for? That would be a blessing if anything

worked. I have run out of ideas, my husband has run out of ideas, my in laws

want me to have mom forcibly committed, and my children miss me. I have known

great desperation at various times in my life, but never anything like this

before.

> >

> > Is there hope?

> >

> > Thanks for listening.

> >

>

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