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Girlscout,

No, unfortunately, I have not read any of the books as of yet, but I am hoping

to get a few that were suggested here in the group... soon! I have to wait

until I can afford them, and then will have to wait for time to actually sit

down and read them. Once the holidays are over that should be easier. I will

add this one to my list, thank you for suggesting it.

In regards to a therapist... other than my friend online, no, I have not found

any outside help in that way. There are 2 reasons behind this... first and most

important is money and transportation issues that simply can't be resolved right

now. The other hesitation is the number of them I have seen over the years

(quite a few) and how little they actually helped me with anything except taking

my time and money. I spent more time teaching them my own creative coping

methods that have gotten me this far than I did getting any help from them. I

found it a waste of my money and my time when I could be doing something more

constructive to help myself.

I have made it through almost 41 yrs (bday coming in a couple of wks) and I

still have my sanity, that must say something. The stress has built up over the

past couple of years, not all just nada, but adding her to the mix has made life

unbearable at times and I was starting to feel desperate for some kind of help.

What I have found in this group in way of understanding and no longer feeling so

alone has helped me so much already. My stress levels are lower right now than

they have been in so long, physically I feel better, and I am getting back to

enjoying my life again. I think the therapy I have found here in this group has

been what I needed all along... but I lacked the one piece of info before to

find it... a clinical diagnosis of nada's " issues " . I feel now that I am a

black sheep, glad to be one, and come from a long line of black sheep as my

" family " ... and have finally been introduced to them all here in this group.

This has been a form of homecoming for me, knowing that others share my daily

plight as if they were alongside of me at any moment.

I hope I can bring some of my many coping skills here to help others, not just

the shrinks and therapists, but the people who need it most. My biggest

achievement so far in my life was when I learned to like myself without feeling

the need to change who I am, how I feel, how I think, what I say or do, etc.

The first time I looked in the mirror and truly loved and liked the person

looking back at me was a monumental moment that gave me so much strength and

power to move forward on a personal level. There has not been anything else

like it for me yet. I gained a level of control over my own life that I didn't

think I would ever see... and it felt oh so good!

That moment also helped me to realize exactly how I felt about nada, too. I

love her, and I know she loves me as much as she is capable, she just isn't

capable of more. But, loving her does not give her the power over me that it

once did, and having a loving husband and a few close, sane, friends to support

me over the past 15 yrs has taken me a long way. I no longer question myself

over everything, wondering if I'm the one who is right or sane. Another huge

step but I made it. My questions these days are more about how to deal with the

stress she causes me when she is at her worst. I need to find outlets for it so

it doesn't consume me while maintaining who I really am as a person. I learned

as a child to internalize my emotional pain because that was all I was allowed,

all that was safe. Bad habits die hard, but I am much better at it now than I

was back then. I can never let myself be " soft hearted " where nada is

concerned, and there are good times with her that take me by surprise and I let

my guard down... so she swoops in and runs with it til I can stop her. I know

about emotional blackmail and walking on eggshells so well I can survive it in

my sleep.

I thank you again for your advice, I will take them for all they are worth...

just as I take everything else I read here. You have helped me take another

step forward, nothing beats that!

> > >

> > > Hi everyone! I hope nobody here minds long notes/letters. I have so much

> > to get out and nowhere else to go with this.

> > >

> > > Recently I befriended a psychotherapist who has tried to help me in his

> > limited " off " time. He is wonderful but just doesn't have the time to devote

> > to what I need. He suggested I seek out a support group because I am at a

> > point where I fear for my own sanity.

> > >

> > > I don't sleep much anymore, I eat very little, have various health issues

> > and cannot drive, and feel like a slave to my mother and her life. The

> > stress has escalated so much over the past year that it is becoming

> > unbearable and I find myself in tears over the simplest of things. The

> > stress is complicating my health issues now too. All I want is my life back

> > without having to abandon my mother at the same time. Is that possible? At

> > this point it doesn't look that way.

> > >

> > > After a number of conversations with my friend he has determined mom has

> > had bpd all of my life, possibly all of hers. Mom has no idea she has a

> > " problem " because she believes she is the normal one and everyone else

> > around her has the problems. Mom has almost no friends, and the few she has

> > managed to make work hard to keep her at arm's length for their own sanity.

> > I love my mother, so it hurts me to say honestly that she is " invasive " ...

> > and driving me crazy!

> > >

> > > Mom was recently widowed (July 2010) and left alone with a large dog, 3

> > large parrots, 40 barn cats, and a 32 acre mess from 25+ yrs of her and my

> > step father's hoarding lifestyle. The only family mom has left is me and my

> > younger sister, and my sister has opted out of mom's life over the past few

> > years. (thats not completely a bad thing) That leaves me as mom's lifeline

> > and she holds on with an iron fist.

> > >

> > > I am about to be 41 yrs old in a few weeks and lately I feel like I am a

> > 10 yr old child having to play the parenting role. Its awful, and that is

> > putting it mildly. Mom has invaded every corner of my life and isn't happy

> > unless she is controlling my every move, all the way down to when I sleep

> > and even when I use the bathroom. (yes its really that bad) When she is

> > angry mom is very vindictive and holds a grudge forever. She is still angry

> > and often complains about things that happened to her over 50 yrs ago,

> > ranting about her father (my grandpa whom I was very close to and love very

> > much) who has been dead for over 25 yrs now. Mom has no ability to move

> > forward in her life, just deals with things as they happen to her. I have

> > never known a more negative person in my life.

> > >

> > > Mom is abusive, verbally and emotionally. When she is angry she starts by

> > cutting the person out of her life completely, then begins plotting and

> > talking to others about the revenge she seeks. In my case, when mom is

> > angry, it is handled in way of punishments... yes, she still punishes me

> > whenever I don't do her bidding, she is very constructive and creative in

> > that way. Mom has few moments in her life where she isn't extremely angry at

> > someone, deserved or not. Because she is now completely alone, I carry the

> > load for her pity parties, ranting anger towards whomever it is that day,

> > constant demands of my time and energy, and her insistence that she is " mom "

> > therefore it is her duty to run my life the way she believes it should be

> > run... the only right way... her way. In mom's world there are only 2 ways,

> > the right way (her way) and the wrong way (anyone else's way). Anyone who

> > doesn't agree with her on everything, listen to everything she tells them to

> > do, and allow her the control she seeks over them and their lives, is the

> > enemy. In my case, it goes a bit deeper... either I agree with her, which

> > means I love her, or I don't, which means I don't love her. If I don't love

> > her then she has no point in living anymore and I am " just as bad as the

> > rest of them " which is reason for punishment.

> > >

> > > Mom is extreme in everything and gets quite upset when I don't follow her

> > traits in my own life. I have so many stories to share, just to get them

> > out, I don't even know where to begin. I have almost 41 yrs of " baggage " I

> > have been carrying around with nobody to really share it with. When I tell

> > someone about mom they disappear from my life or keep a safe distance most

> > of the time. My psychotherapist friend told me he has heard many horror

> > stories of abuse, neglect, etc. yet my story is the worst he's ever heard.

> > (and he only knows a very small portion of it at this point)

> > >

> > > I spent the first 17 yrs of my life trying to escape an abusive home.

> > (abusive parents and abusive sister, verbally, emotionally, and physically)

> > The next 2 yrs were consumed with marrying an abusive psychopath (he was my

> > way out of an abusive home... backfired horribly), divorce from him, and 2

> > children. The next 7 yrs were spent with my 2nd husband & children battling

> > and hiding from my 1st husband. The next 10 yrs were spent running away from

> > my family again, trying to find myself and make a life for myself and my

> > children where the abuse couldn't touch me. I managed to accomplish my goal

> > during that 10 yrs, even though I lived with another abusive partner during

> > that time.

> > >

> > > My final escape came about 6 yrs ago, my 3rd husband. (yes, I know, it

> > took me a long time to get it right) My current husband is loving,

> > supportive, and worth the long wait... however, I now have mom back in my

> > life and she is tearing me apart on a personal level, which is affecting the

> > wonderful life my husband & I have created for ourselves with my youngest

> > child who is only 14 yrs old. 6 yrs ago I thought I had found peace. I was

> > wrong.

> > >

> > > Since my step father died in July mom has been unbearable and I just

> > don't know what to do anymore. She demands that I check on her nightly to

> > make sure she's still alive, because she's alone. These nightly

> > " mom-sitting " sessions are usually online because I prefer it to the phone,

> > as it allows me a little more freedom to keep my sanity in check while she

> > is ranting. There are times she doesn't show up in chat, to which I am then

> > obligated to call her. The chats last hours until she is ready to let me go

> > to bed, and they don't start until my family is in bed. Mom insists on

> > having me to herself. If she suspects anyone is talking to me while we chat

> > she throws a tantrum. I have not been allowed to go to bed to sleep with my

> > husband in over a year now. By the time my chats with mom end at night it is

> > often 2 - 3am, by which time I am so stressed I am wide awake and unable to

> > sleep until 6-7am when my family is just waking up to start their day. Many

> > mornings by 10 - 11am mom is calling for the first of many times in a day.

> > Some days she keeps me on the phone for up to 6 hrs at a time, which means

> > my whole day is gone before I am " free " to go about my day, and by then I am

> > emotionally exhausted. To tell mom either on the phone or in chat that I

> > need to go is a difficult task because she refuses to hear it. She will talk

> > over the top of me or ignore what I have said and just keep talking. If I

> > try to break in she talks faster to stop me. If I make her angry then she

> > yells at me about how I don't love her, hangs up, and refuses to speak to me

> > for days, sometimes weeks (unless she feels desperate before that). When she

> > gets past her anger at me she will then call me on the phone and complain

> > that I didn't call her sooner, even though I had left her messages daily on

> > her voicemail and answering machine.. and then the cycle begins again like

> > nothing ever happened.

> > >

> > > Mom is very manipulative and will do whatever it takes to get what she

> > wants, the way she wants it. The worst was a night when she purposely let

> > herself fall down the basement stairs and hurt herself quite badly...

> > because I couldn't call her that night. That was her proof that I had to

> > call EVERY night because something could happen to her with nobody around to

> > help her.

> > >

> > > As you can probably tell by now, I am a mess. I am in tears just typing

> > this post to the group. I feel as if my wonderful life has been sucked away

> > and I have been powerless to stop it or to get it back. What am I seeking?

> > Hope. Help. Understanding... a safe place to get all of this garbage out of

> > my head so I can SLEEP. I am soooo tired. Advice on how to handle mom

> > without facing the consequences she is famous for? That would be a blessing

> > if anything worked. I have run out of ideas, my husband has run out of

> > ideas, my in laws want me to have mom forcibly committed, and my children

> > miss me. I have known great desperation at various times in my life, but

> > never anything like this before.

> > >

> > > Is there hope?

> > >

> > > Thanks for listening.

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

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Posted
Posted

Girlscout,

No, unfortunately, I have not read any of the books as of yet, but I am hoping

to get a few that were suggested here in the group... soon! I have to wait

until I can afford them, and then will have to wait for time to actually sit

down and read them. Once the holidays are over that should be easier. I will

add this one to my list, thank you for suggesting it.

In regards to a therapist... other than my friend online, no, I have not found

any outside help in that way. There are 2 reasons behind this... first and most

important is money and transportation issues that simply can't be resolved right

now. The other hesitation is the number of them I have seen over the years

(quite a few) and how little they actually helped me with anything except taking

my time and money. I spent more time teaching them my own creative coping

methods that have gotten me this far than I did getting any help from them. I

found it a waste of my money and my time when I could be doing something more

constructive to help myself.

I have made it through almost 41 yrs (bday coming in a couple of wks) and I

still have my sanity, that must say something. The stress has built up over the

past couple of years, not all just nada, but adding her to the mix has made life

unbearable at times and I was starting to feel desperate for some kind of help.

What I have found in this group in way of understanding and no longer feeling so

alone has helped me so much already. My stress levels are lower right now than

they have been in so long, physically I feel better, and I am getting back to

enjoying my life again. I think the therapy I have found here in this group has

been what I needed all along... but I lacked the one piece of info before to

find it... a clinical diagnosis of nada's " issues " . I feel now that I am a

black sheep, glad to be one, and come from a long line of black sheep as my

" family " ... and have finally been introduced to them all here in this group.

This has been a form of homecoming for me, knowing that others share my daily

plight as if they were alongside of me at any moment.

I hope I can bring some of my many coping skills here to help others, not just

the shrinks and therapists, but the people who need it most. My biggest

achievement so far in my life was when I learned to like myself without feeling

the need to change who I am, how I feel, how I think, what I say or do, etc.

The first time I looked in the mirror and truly loved and liked the person

looking back at me was a monumental moment that gave me so much strength and

power to move forward on a personal level. There has not been anything else

like it for me yet. I gained a level of control over my own life that I didn't

think I would ever see... and it felt oh so good!

That moment also helped me to realize exactly how I felt about nada, too. I

love her, and I know she loves me as much as she is capable, she just isn't

capable of more. But, loving her does not give her the power over me that it

once did, and having a loving husband and a few close, sane, friends to support

me over the past 15 yrs has taken me a long way. I no longer question myself

over everything, wondering if I'm the one who is right or sane. Another huge

step but I made it. My questions these days are more about how to deal with the

stress she causes me when she is at her worst. I need to find outlets for it so

it doesn't consume me while maintaining who I really am as a person. I learned

as a child to internalize my emotional pain because that was all I was allowed,

all that was safe. Bad habits die hard, but I am much better at it now than I

was back then. I can never let myself be " soft hearted " where nada is

concerned, and there are good times with her that take me by surprise and I let

my guard down... so she swoops in and runs with it til I can stop her. I know

about emotional blackmail and walking on eggshells so well I can survive it in

my sleep.

I thank you again for your advice, I will take them for all they are worth...

just as I take everything else I read here. You have helped me take another

step forward, nothing beats that!

> > >

> > > Hi everyone! I hope nobody here minds long notes/letters. I have so much

> > to get out and nowhere else to go with this.

> > >

> > > Recently I befriended a psychotherapist who has tried to help me in his

> > limited " off " time. He is wonderful but just doesn't have the time to devote

> > to what I need. He suggested I seek out a support group because I am at a

> > point where I fear for my own sanity.

> > >

> > > I don't sleep much anymore, I eat very little, have various health issues

> > and cannot drive, and feel like a slave to my mother and her life. The

> > stress has escalated so much over the past year that it is becoming

> > unbearable and I find myself in tears over the simplest of things. The

> > stress is complicating my health issues now too. All I want is my life back

> > without having to abandon my mother at the same time. Is that possible? At

> > this point it doesn't look that way.

> > >

> > > After a number of conversations with my friend he has determined mom has

> > had bpd all of my life, possibly all of hers. Mom has no idea she has a

> > " problem " because she believes she is the normal one and everyone else

> > around her has the problems. Mom has almost no friends, and the few she has

> > managed to make work hard to keep her at arm's length for their own sanity.

> > I love my mother, so it hurts me to say honestly that she is " invasive " ...

> > and driving me crazy!

> > >

> > > Mom was recently widowed (July 2010) and left alone with a large dog, 3

> > large parrots, 40 barn cats, and a 32 acre mess from 25+ yrs of her and my

> > step father's hoarding lifestyle. The only family mom has left is me and my

> > younger sister, and my sister has opted out of mom's life over the past few

> > years. (thats not completely a bad thing) That leaves me as mom's lifeline

> > and she holds on with an iron fist.

> > >

> > > I am about to be 41 yrs old in a few weeks and lately I feel like I am a

> > 10 yr old child having to play the parenting role. Its awful, and that is

> > putting it mildly. Mom has invaded every corner of my life and isn't happy

> > unless she is controlling my every move, all the way down to when I sleep

> > and even when I use the bathroom. (yes its really that bad) When she is

> > angry mom is very vindictive and holds a grudge forever. She is still angry

> > and often complains about things that happened to her over 50 yrs ago,

> > ranting about her father (my grandpa whom I was very close to and love very

> > much) who has been dead for over 25 yrs now. Mom has no ability to move

> > forward in her life, just deals with things as they happen to her. I have

> > never known a more negative person in my life.

> > >

> > > Mom is abusive, verbally and emotionally. When she is angry she starts by

> > cutting the person out of her life completely, then begins plotting and

> > talking to others about the revenge she seeks. In my case, when mom is

> > angry, it is handled in way of punishments... yes, she still punishes me

> > whenever I don't do her bidding, she is very constructive and creative in

> > that way. Mom has few moments in her life where she isn't extremely angry at

> > someone, deserved or not. Because she is now completely alone, I carry the

> > load for her pity parties, ranting anger towards whomever it is that day,

> > constant demands of my time and energy, and her insistence that she is " mom "

> > therefore it is her duty to run my life the way she believes it should be

> > run... the only right way... her way. In mom's world there are only 2 ways,

> > the right way (her way) and the wrong way (anyone else's way). Anyone who

> > doesn't agree with her on everything, listen to everything she tells them to

> > do, and allow her the control she seeks over them and their lives, is the

> > enemy. In my case, it goes a bit deeper... either I agree with her, which

> > means I love her, or I don't, which means I don't love her. If I don't love

> > her then she has no point in living anymore and I am " just as bad as the

> > rest of them " which is reason for punishment.

> > >

> > > Mom is extreme in everything and gets quite upset when I don't follow her

> > traits in my own life. I have so many stories to share, just to get them

> > out, I don't even know where to begin. I have almost 41 yrs of " baggage " I

> > have been carrying around with nobody to really share it with. When I tell

> > someone about mom they disappear from my life or keep a safe distance most

> > of the time. My psychotherapist friend told me he has heard many horror

> > stories of abuse, neglect, etc. yet my story is the worst he's ever heard.

> > (and he only knows a very small portion of it at this point)

> > >

> > > I spent the first 17 yrs of my life trying to escape an abusive home.

> > (abusive parents and abusive sister, verbally, emotionally, and physically)

> > The next 2 yrs were consumed with marrying an abusive psychopath (he was my

> > way out of an abusive home... backfired horribly), divorce from him, and 2

> > children. The next 7 yrs were spent with my 2nd husband & children battling

> > and hiding from my 1st husband. The next 10 yrs were spent running away from

> > my family again, trying to find myself and make a life for myself and my

> > children where the abuse couldn't touch me. I managed to accomplish my goal

> > during that 10 yrs, even though I lived with another abusive partner during

> > that time.

> > >

> > > My final escape came about 6 yrs ago, my 3rd husband. (yes, I know, it

> > took me a long time to get it right) My current husband is loving,

> > supportive, and worth the long wait... however, I now have mom back in my

> > life and she is tearing me apart on a personal level, which is affecting the

> > wonderful life my husband & I have created for ourselves with my youngest

> > child who is only 14 yrs old. 6 yrs ago I thought I had found peace. I was

> > wrong.

> > >

> > > Since my step father died in July mom has been unbearable and I just

> > don't know what to do anymore. She demands that I check on her nightly to

> > make sure she's still alive, because she's alone. These nightly

> > " mom-sitting " sessions are usually online because I prefer it to the phone,

> > as it allows me a little more freedom to keep my sanity in check while she

> > is ranting. There are times she doesn't show up in chat, to which I am then

> > obligated to call her. The chats last hours until she is ready to let me go

> > to bed, and they don't start until my family is in bed. Mom insists on

> > having me to herself. If she suspects anyone is talking to me while we chat

> > she throws a tantrum. I have not been allowed to go to bed to sleep with my

> > husband in over a year now. By the time my chats with mom end at night it is

> > often 2 - 3am, by which time I am so stressed I am wide awake and unable to

> > sleep until 6-7am when my family is just waking up to start their day. Many

> > mornings by 10 - 11am mom is calling for the first of many times in a day.

> > Some days she keeps me on the phone for up to 6 hrs at a time, which means

> > my whole day is gone before I am " free " to go about my day, and by then I am

> > emotionally exhausted. To tell mom either on the phone or in chat that I

> > need to go is a difficult task because she refuses to hear it. She will talk

> > over the top of me or ignore what I have said and just keep talking. If I

> > try to break in she talks faster to stop me. If I make her angry then she

> > yells at me about how I don't love her, hangs up, and refuses to speak to me

> > for days, sometimes weeks (unless she feels desperate before that). When she

> > gets past her anger at me she will then call me on the phone and complain

> > that I didn't call her sooner, even though I had left her messages daily on

> > her voicemail and answering machine.. and then the cycle begins again like

> > nothing ever happened.

> > >

> > > Mom is very manipulative and will do whatever it takes to get what she

> > wants, the way she wants it. The worst was a night when she purposely let

> > herself fall down the basement stairs and hurt herself quite badly...

> > because I couldn't call her that night. That was her proof that I had to

> > call EVERY night because something could happen to her with nobody around to

> > help her.

> > >

> > > As you can probably tell by now, I am a mess. I am in tears just typing

> > this post to the group. I feel as if my wonderful life has been sucked away

> > and I have been powerless to stop it or to get it back. What am I seeking?

> > Hope. Help. Understanding... a safe place to get all of this garbage out of

> > my head so I can SLEEP. I am soooo tired. Advice on how to handle mom

> > without facing the consequences she is famous for? That would be a blessing

> > if anything worked. I have run out of ideas, my husband has run out of

> > ideas, my in laws want me to have mom forcibly committed, and my children

> > miss me. I have known great desperation at various times in my life, but

> > never anything like this before.

> > >

> > > Is there hope?

> > >

> > > Thanks for listening.

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

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Posted
Posted

Girlscout,

No, unfortunately, I have not read any of the books as of yet, but I am hoping

to get a few that were suggested here in the group... soon! I have to wait

until I can afford them, and then will have to wait for time to actually sit

down and read them. Once the holidays are over that should be easier. I will

add this one to my list, thank you for suggesting it.

In regards to a therapist... other than my friend online, no, I have not found

any outside help in that way. There are 2 reasons behind this... first and most

important is money and transportation issues that simply can't be resolved right

now. The other hesitation is the number of them I have seen over the years

(quite a few) and how little they actually helped me with anything except taking

my time and money. I spent more time teaching them my own creative coping

methods that have gotten me this far than I did getting any help from them. I

found it a waste of my money and my time when I could be doing something more

constructive to help myself.

I have made it through almost 41 yrs (bday coming in a couple of wks) and I

still have my sanity, that must say something. The stress has built up over the

past couple of years, not all just nada, but adding her to the mix has made life

unbearable at times and I was starting to feel desperate for some kind of help.

What I have found in this group in way of understanding and no longer feeling so

alone has helped me so much already. My stress levels are lower right now than

they have been in so long, physically I feel better, and I am getting back to

enjoying my life again. I think the therapy I have found here in this group has

been what I needed all along... but I lacked the one piece of info before to

find it... a clinical diagnosis of nada's " issues " . I feel now that I am a

black sheep, glad to be one, and come from a long line of black sheep as my

" family " ... and have finally been introduced to them all here in this group.

This has been a form of homecoming for me, knowing that others share my daily

plight as if they were alongside of me at any moment.

I hope I can bring some of my many coping skills here to help others, not just

the shrinks and therapists, but the people who need it most. My biggest

achievement so far in my life was when I learned to like myself without feeling

the need to change who I am, how I feel, how I think, what I say or do, etc.

The first time I looked in the mirror and truly loved and liked the person

looking back at me was a monumental moment that gave me so much strength and

power to move forward on a personal level. There has not been anything else

like it for me yet. I gained a level of control over my own life that I didn't

think I would ever see... and it felt oh so good!

That moment also helped me to realize exactly how I felt about nada, too. I

love her, and I know she loves me as much as she is capable, she just isn't

capable of more. But, loving her does not give her the power over me that it

once did, and having a loving husband and a few close, sane, friends to support

me over the past 15 yrs has taken me a long way. I no longer question myself

over everything, wondering if I'm the one who is right or sane. Another huge

step but I made it. My questions these days are more about how to deal with the

stress she causes me when she is at her worst. I need to find outlets for it so

it doesn't consume me while maintaining who I really am as a person. I learned

as a child to internalize my emotional pain because that was all I was allowed,

all that was safe. Bad habits die hard, but I am much better at it now than I

was back then. I can never let myself be " soft hearted " where nada is

concerned, and there are good times with her that take me by surprise and I let

my guard down... so she swoops in and runs with it til I can stop her. I know

about emotional blackmail and walking on eggshells so well I can survive it in

my sleep.

I thank you again for your advice, I will take them for all they are worth...

just as I take everything else I read here. You have helped me take another

step forward, nothing beats that!

> > >

> > > Hi everyone! I hope nobody here minds long notes/letters. I have so much

> > to get out and nowhere else to go with this.

> > >

> > > Recently I befriended a psychotherapist who has tried to help me in his

> > limited " off " time. He is wonderful but just doesn't have the time to devote

> > to what I need. He suggested I seek out a support group because I am at a

> > point where I fear for my own sanity.

> > >

> > > I don't sleep much anymore, I eat very little, have various health issues

> > and cannot drive, and feel like a slave to my mother and her life. The

> > stress has escalated so much over the past year that it is becoming

> > unbearable and I find myself in tears over the simplest of things. The

> > stress is complicating my health issues now too. All I want is my life back

> > without having to abandon my mother at the same time. Is that possible? At

> > this point it doesn't look that way.

> > >

> > > After a number of conversations with my friend he has determined mom has

> > had bpd all of my life, possibly all of hers. Mom has no idea she has a

> > " problem " because she believes she is the normal one and everyone else

> > around her has the problems. Mom has almost no friends, and the few she has

> > managed to make work hard to keep her at arm's length for their own sanity.

> > I love my mother, so it hurts me to say honestly that she is " invasive " ...

> > and driving me crazy!

> > >

> > > Mom was recently widowed (July 2010) and left alone with a large dog, 3

> > large parrots, 40 barn cats, and a 32 acre mess from 25+ yrs of her and my

> > step father's hoarding lifestyle. The only family mom has left is me and my

> > younger sister, and my sister has opted out of mom's life over the past few

> > years. (thats not completely a bad thing) That leaves me as mom's lifeline

> > and she holds on with an iron fist.

> > >

> > > I am about to be 41 yrs old in a few weeks and lately I feel like I am a

> > 10 yr old child having to play the parenting role. Its awful, and that is

> > putting it mildly. Mom has invaded every corner of my life and isn't happy

> > unless she is controlling my every move, all the way down to when I sleep

> > and even when I use the bathroom. (yes its really that bad) When she is

> > angry mom is very vindictive and holds a grudge forever. She is still angry

> > and often complains about things that happened to her over 50 yrs ago,

> > ranting about her father (my grandpa whom I was very close to and love very

> > much) who has been dead for over 25 yrs now. Mom has no ability to move

> > forward in her life, just deals with things as they happen to her. I have

> > never known a more negative person in my life.

> > >

> > > Mom is abusive, verbally and emotionally. When she is angry she starts by

> > cutting the person out of her life completely, then begins plotting and

> > talking to others about the revenge she seeks. In my case, when mom is

> > angry, it is handled in way of punishments... yes, she still punishes me

> > whenever I don't do her bidding, she is very constructive and creative in

> > that way. Mom has few moments in her life where she isn't extremely angry at

> > someone, deserved or not. Because she is now completely alone, I carry the

> > load for her pity parties, ranting anger towards whomever it is that day,

> > constant demands of my time and energy, and her insistence that she is " mom "

> > therefore it is her duty to run my life the way she believes it should be

> > run... the only right way... her way. In mom's world there are only 2 ways,

> > the right way (her way) and the wrong way (anyone else's way). Anyone who

> > doesn't agree with her on everything, listen to everything she tells them to

> > do, and allow her the control she seeks over them and their lives, is the

> > enemy. In my case, it goes a bit deeper... either I agree with her, which

> > means I love her, or I don't, which means I don't love her. If I don't love

> > her then she has no point in living anymore and I am " just as bad as the

> > rest of them " which is reason for punishment.

> > >

> > > Mom is extreme in everything and gets quite upset when I don't follow her

> > traits in my own life. I have so many stories to share, just to get them

> > out, I don't even know where to begin. I have almost 41 yrs of " baggage " I

> > have been carrying around with nobody to really share it with. When I tell

> > someone about mom they disappear from my life or keep a safe distance most

> > of the time. My psychotherapist friend told me he has heard many horror

> > stories of abuse, neglect, etc. yet my story is the worst he's ever heard.

> > (and he only knows a very small portion of it at this point)

> > >

> > > I spent the first 17 yrs of my life trying to escape an abusive home.

> > (abusive parents and abusive sister, verbally, emotionally, and physically)

> > The next 2 yrs were consumed with marrying an abusive psychopath (he was my

> > way out of an abusive home... backfired horribly), divorce from him, and 2

> > children. The next 7 yrs were spent with my 2nd husband & children battling

> > and hiding from my 1st husband. The next 10 yrs were spent running away from

> > my family again, trying to find myself and make a life for myself and my

> > children where the abuse couldn't touch me. I managed to accomplish my goal

> > during that 10 yrs, even though I lived with another abusive partner during

> > that time.

> > >

> > > My final escape came about 6 yrs ago, my 3rd husband. (yes, I know, it

> > took me a long time to get it right) My current husband is loving,

> > supportive, and worth the long wait... however, I now have mom back in my

> > life and she is tearing me apart on a personal level, which is affecting the

> > wonderful life my husband & I have created for ourselves with my youngest

> > child who is only 14 yrs old. 6 yrs ago I thought I had found peace. I was

> > wrong.

> > >

> > > Since my step father died in July mom has been unbearable and I just

> > don't know what to do anymore. She demands that I check on her nightly to

> > make sure she's still alive, because she's alone. These nightly

> > " mom-sitting " sessions are usually online because I prefer it to the phone,

> > as it allows me a little more freedom to keep my sanity in check while she

> > is ranting. There are times she doesn't show up in chat, to which I am then

> > obligated to call her. The chats last hours until she is ready to let me go

> > to bed, and they don't start until my family is in bed. Mom insists on

> > having me to herself. If she suspects anyone is talking to me while we chat

> > she throws a tantrum. I have not been allowed to go to bed to sleep with my

> > husband in over a year now. By the time my chats with mom end at night it is

> > often 2 - 3am, by which time I am so stressed I am wide awake and unable to

> > sleep until 6-7am when my family is just waking up to start their day. Many

> > mornings by 10 - 11am mom is calling for the first of many times in a day.

> > Some days she keeps me on the phone for up to 6 hrs at a time, which means

> > my whole day is gone before I am " free " to go about my day, and by then I am

> > emotionally exhausted. To tell mom either on the phone or in chat that I

> > need to go is a difficult task because she refuses to hear it. She will talk

> > over the top of me or ignore what I have said and just keep talking. If I

> > try to break in she talks faster to stop me. If I make her angry then she

> > yells at me about how I don't love her, hangs up, and refuses to speak to me

> > for days, sometimes weeks (unless she feels desperate before that). When she

> > gets past her anger at me she will then call me on the phone and complain

> > that I didn't call her sooner, even though I had left her messages daily on

> > her voicemail and answering machine.. and then the cycle begins again like

> > nothing ever happened.

> > >

> > > Mom is very manipulative and will do whatever it takes to get what she

> > wants, the way she wants it. The worst was a night when she purposely let

> > herself fall down the basement stairs and hurt herself quite badly...

> > because I couldn't call her that night. That was her proof that I had to

> > call EVERY night because something could happen to her with nobody around to

> > help her.

> > >

> > > As you can probably tell by now, I am a mess. I am in tears just typing

> > this post to the group. I feel as if my wonderful life has been sucked away

> > and I have been powerless to stop it or to get it back. What am I seeking?

> > Hope. Help. Understanding... a safe place to get all of this garbage out of

> > my head so I can SLEEP. I am soooo tired. Advice on how to handle mom

> > without facing the consequences she is famous for? That would be a blessing

> > if anything worked. I have run out of ideas, my husband has run out of

> > ideas, my in laws want me to have mom forcibly committed, and my children

> > miss me. I have known great desperation at various times in my life, but

> > never anything like this before.

> > >

> > > Is there hope?

> > >

> > > Thanks for listening.

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

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Posted
Posted

Please read my post - Walking Away...to JOY you will understand better why I say

that. It is not about not facing your problems. It is not about not being a

good person. It IS about not throwing away the prescious time we have on this

planet wrestling with something that will never change and suffering

unnecessary, unwarrented, undeserved abuse to your mind, body and spirit. I

thought I had to do all of those things - truth be told now, I didn't. That was

just the conversation I had about it - you can have a different conversation.

Blessings to you.

> > >

> > > Hi everyone! I hope nobody here minds long notes/letters. I have so much

to get out and nowhere else to go with this.

> > >

> > > Recently I befriended a psychotherapist who has tried to help me in his

limited " off " time. He is wonderful but just doesn't have the time to devote to

what I need. He suggested I seek out a support group because I am at a point

where I fear for my own sanity.

> > >

> > > I don't sleep much anymore, I eat very little, have various health issues

and cannot drive, and feel like a slave to my mother and her life. The stress

has escalated so much over the past year that it is becoming unbearable and I

find myself in tears over the simplest of things. The stress is complicating my

health issues now too. All I want is my life back without having to abandon my

mother at the same time. Is that possible? At this point it doesn't look that

way.

> > >

> > > After a number of conversations with my friend he has determined mom has

had bpd all of my life, possibly all of hers. Mom has no idea she has a

" problem " because she believes she is the normal one and everyone else around

her has the problems. Mom has almost no friends, and the few she has managed to

make work hard to keep her at arm's length for their own sanity. I love my

mother, so it hurts me to say honestly that she is " invasive " ... and driving me

crazy!

> > >

> > > Mom was recently widowed (July 2010) and left alone with a large dog, 3

large parrots, 40 barn cats, and a 32 acre mess from 25+ yrs of her and my step

father's hoarding lifestyle. The only family mom has left is me and my younger

sister, and my sister has opted out of mom's life over the past few years.

(thats not completely a bad thing) That leaves me as mom's lifeline and she

holds on with an iron fist.

> > >

> > > I am about to be 41 yrs old in a few weeks and lately I feel like I am a

10 yr old child having to play the parenting role. Its awful, and that is

putting it mildly. Mom has invaded every corner of my life and isn't happy

unless she is controlling my every move, all the way down to when I sleep and

even when I use the bathroom. (yes its really that bad) When she is angry mom

is very vindictive and holds a grudge forever. She is still angry and often

complains about things that happened to her over 50 yrs ago, ranting about her

father (my grandpa whom I was very close to and love very much) who has been

dead for over 25 yrs now. Mom has no ability to move forward in her life, just

deals with things as they happen to her. I have never known a more negative

person in my life.

> > >

> > > Mom is abusive, verbally and emotionally. When she is angry she starts by

cutting the person out of her life completely, then begins plotting and talking

to others about the revenge she seeks. In my case, when mom is angry, it is

handled in way of punishments... yes, she still punishes me whenever I don't do

her bidding, she is very constructive and creative in that way. Mom has few

moments in her life where she isn't extremely angry at someone, deserved or not.

Because she is now completely alone, I carry the load for her pity parties,

ranting anger towards whomever it is that day, constant demands of my time and

energy, and her insistence that she is " mom " therefore it is her duty to run my

life the way she believes it should be run... the only right way... her way. In

mom's world there are only 2 ways, the right way (her way) and the wrong way

(anyone else's way). Anyone who doesn't agree with her on everything, listen to

everything she tells them to do, and allow her the control she seeks over them

and their lives, is the enemy. In my case, it goes a bit deeper... either I

agree with her, which means I love her, or I don't, which means I don't love

her. If I don't love her then she has no point in living anymore and I am " just

as bad as the rest of them " which is reason for punishment.

> > >

> > > Mom is extreme in everything and gets quite upset when I don't follow her

traits in my own life. I have so many stories to share, just to get them out, I

don't even know where to begin. I have almost 41 yrs of " baggage " I have been

carrying around with nobody to really share it with. When I tell someone about

mom they disappear from my life or keep a safe distance most of the time. My

psychotherapist friend told me he has heard many horror stories of abuse,

neglect, etc. yet my story is the worst he's ever heard. (and he only knows a

very small portion of it at this point)

> > >

> > > I spent the first 17 yrs of my life trying to escape an abusive home.

(abusive parents and abusive sister, verbally, emotionally, and physically) The

next 2 yrs were consumed with marrying an abusive psychopath (he was my way out

of an abusive home... backfired horribly), divorce from him, and 2 children.

The next 7 yrs were spent with my 2nd husband & children battling and hiding

from my 1st husband. The next 10 yrs were spent running away from my family

again, trying to find myself and make a life for myself and my children where

the abuse couldn't touch me. I managed to accomplish my goal during that 10

yrs, even though I lived with another abusive partner during that time.

> > >

> > > My final escape came about 6 yrs ago, my 3rd husband. (yes, I know, it

took me a long time to get it right) My current husband is loving, supportive,

and worth the long wait... however, I now have mom back in my life and she is

tearing me apart on a personal level, which is affecting the wonderful life my

husband & I have created for ourselves with my youngest child who is only 14 yrs

old. 6 yrs ago I thought I had found peace. I was wrong.

> > >

> > > Since my step father died in July mom has been unbearable and I just don't

know what to do anymore. She demands that I check on her nightly to make sure

she's still alive, because she's alone. These nightly " mom-sitting " sessions

are usually online because I prefer it to the phone, as it allows me a little

more freedom to keep my sanity in check while she is ranting. There are times

she doesn't show up in chat, to which I am then obligated to call her. The

chats last hours until she is ready to let me go to bed, and they don't start

until my family is in bed. Mom insists on having me to herself. If she

suspects anyone is talking to me while we chat she throws a tantrum. I have not

been allowed to go to bed to sleep with my husband in over a year now. By the

time my chats with mom end at night it is often 2 - 3am, by which time I am so

stressed I am wide awake and unable to sleep until 6-7am when my family is just

waking up to start their day. Many mornings by 10 - 11am mom is calling for the

first of many times in a day. Some days she keeps me on the phone for up to 6

hrs at a time, which means my whole day is gone before I am " free " to go about

my day, and by then I am emotionally exhausted. To tell mom either on the phone

or in chat that I need to go is a difficult task because she refuses to hear it.

She will talk over the top of me or ignore what I have said and just keep

talking. If I try to break in she talks faster to stop me. If I make her angry

then she yells at me about how I don't love her, hangs up, and refuses to speak

to me for days, sometimes weeks (unless she feels desperate before that). When

she gets past her anger at me she will then call me on the phone and complain

that I didn't call her sooner, even though I had left her messages daily on her

voicemail and answering machine.. and then the cycle begins again like nothing

ever happened.

> > >

> > > Mom is very manipulative and will do whatever it takes to get what she

wants, the way she wants it. The worst was a night when she purposely let

herself fall down the basement stairs and hurt herself quite badly... because I

couldn't call her that night. That was her proof that I had to call EVERY night

because something could happen to her with nobody around to help her.

> > >

> > > As you can probably tell by now, I am a mess. I am in tears just typing

this post to the group. I feel as if my wonderful life has been sucked away and

I have been powerless to stop it or to get it back. What am I seeking? Hope.

Help. Understanding... a safe place to get all of this garbage out of my head

so I can SLEEP. I am soooo tired. Advice on how to handle mom without facing

the consequences she is famous for? That would be a blessing if anything

worked. I have run out of ideas, my husband has run out of ideas, my in laws

want me to have mom forcibly committed, and my children miss me. I have known

great desperation at various times in my life, but never anything like this

before.

> > >

> > > Is there hope?

> > >

> > > Thanks for listening.

> > >

> >

>

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Share on other sites
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Posted
Posted

Please read my post - Walking Away...to JOY you will understand better why I say

that. It is not about not facing your problems. It is not about not being a

good person. It IS about not throwing away the prescious time we have on this

planet wrestling with something that will never change and suffering

unnecessary, unwarrented, undeserved abuse to your mind, body and spirit. I

thought I had to do all of those things - truth be told now, I didn't. That was

just the conversation I had about it - you can have a different conversation.

Blessings to you.

> > >

> > > Hi everyone! I hope nobody here minds long notes/letters. I have so much

to get out and nowhere else to go with this.

> > >

> > > Recently I befriended a psychotherapist who has tried to help me in his

limited " off " time. He is wonderful but just doesn't have the time to devote to

what I need. He suggested I seek out a support group because I am at a point

where I fear for my own sanity.

> > >

> > > I don't sleep much anymore, I eat very little, have various health issues

and cannot drive, and feel like a slave to my mother and her life. The stress

has escalated so much over the past year that it is becoming unbearable and I

find myself in tears over the simplest of things. The stress is complicating my

health issues now too. All I want is my life back without having to abandon my

mother at the same time. Is that possible? At this point it doesn't look that

way.

> > >

> > > After a number of conversations with my friend he has determined mom has

had bpd all of my life, possibly all of hers. Mom has no idea she has a

" problem " because she believes she is the normal one and everyone else around

her has the problems. Mom has almost no friends, and the few she has managed to

make work hard to keep her at arm's length for their own sanity. I love my

mother, so it hurts me to say honestly that she is " invasive " ... and driving me

crazy!

> > >

> > > Mom was recently widowed (July 2010) and left alone with a large dog, 3

large parrots, 40 barn cats, and a 32 acre mess from 25+ yrs of her and my step

father's hoarding lifestyle. The only family mom has left is me and my younger

sister, and my sister has opted out of mom's life over the past few years.

(thats not completely a bad thing) That leaves me as mom's lifeline and she

holds on with an iron fist.

> > >

> > > I am about to be 41 yrs old in a few weeks and lately I feel like I am a

10 yr old child having to play the parenting role. Its awful, and that is

putting it mildly. Mom has invaded every corner of my life and isn't happy

unless she is controlling my every move, all the way down to when I sleep and

even when I use the bathroom. (yes its really that bad) When she is angry mom

is very vindictive and holds a grudge forever. She is still angry and often

complains about things that happened to her over 50 yrs ago, ranting about her

father (my grandpa whom I was very close to and love very much) who has been

dead for over 25 yrs now. Mom has no ability to move forward in her life, just

deals with things as they happen to her. I have never known a more negative

person in my life.

> > >

> > > Mom is abusive, verbally and emotionally. When she is angry she starts by

cutting the person out of her life completely, then begins plotting and talking

to others about the revenge she seeks. In my case, when mom is angry, it is

handled in way of punishments... yes, she still punishes me whenever I don't do

her bidding, she is very constructive and creative in that way. Mom has few

moments in her life where she isn't extremely angry at someone, deserved or not.

Because she is now completely alone, I carry the load for her pity parties,

ranting anger towards whomever it is that day, constant demands of my time and

energy, and her insistence that she is " mom " therefore it is her duty to run my

life the way she believes it should be run... the only right way... her way. In

mom's world there are only 2 ways, the right way (her way) and the wrong way

(anyone else's way). Anyone who doesn't agree with her on everything, listen to

everything she tells them to do, and allow her the control she seeks over them

and their lives, is the enemy. In my case, it goes a bit deeper... either I

agree with her, which means I love her, or I don't, which means I don't love

her. If I don't love her then she has no point in living anymore and I am " just

as bad as the rest of them " which is reason for punishment.

> > >

> > > Mom is extreme in everything and gets quite upset when I don't follow her

traits in my own life. I have so many stories to share, just to get them out, I

don't even know where to begin. I have almost 41 yrs of " baggage " I have been

carrying around with nobody to really share it with. When I tell someone about

mom they disappear from my life or keep a safe distance most of the time. My

psychotherapist friend told me he has heard many horror stories of abuse,

neglect, etc. yet my story is the worst he's ever heard. (and he only knows a

very small portion of it at this point)

> > >

> > > I spent the first 17 yrs of my life trying to escape an abusive home.

(abusive parents and abusive sister, verbally, emotionally, and physically) The

next 2 yrs were consumed with marrying an abusive psychopath (he was my way out

of an abusive home... backfired horribly), divorce from him, and 2 children.

The next 7 yrs were spent with my 2nd husband & children battling and hiding

from my 1st husband. The next 10 yrs were spent running away from my family

again, trying to find myself and make a life for myself and my children where

the abuse couldn't touch me. I managed to accomplish my goal during that 10

yrs, even though I lived with another abusive partner during that time.

> > >

> > > My final escape came about 6 yrs ago, my 3rd husband. (yes, I know, it

took me a long time to get it right) My current husband is loving, supportive,

and worth the long wait... however, I now have mom back in my life and she is

tearing me apart on a personal level, which is affecting the wonderful life my

husband & I have created for ourselves with my youngest child who is only 14 yrs

old. 6 yrs ago I thought I had found peace. I was wrong.

> > >

> > > Since my step father died in July mom has been unbearable and I just don't

know what to do anymore. She demands that I check on her nightly to make sure

she's still alive, because she's alone. These nightly " mom-sitting " sessions

are usually online because I prefer it to the phone, as it allows me a little

more freedom to keep my sanity in check while she is ranting. There are times

she doesn't show up in chat, to which I am then obligated to call her. The

chats last hours until she is ready to let me go to bed, and they don't start

until my family is in bed. Mom insists on having me to herself. If she

suspects anyone is talking to me while we chat she throws a tantrum. I have not

been allowed to go to bed to sleep with my husband in over a year now. By the

time my chats with mom end at night it is often 2 - 3am, by which time I am so

stressed I am wide awake and unable to sleep until 6-7am when my family is just

waking up to start their day. Many mornings by 10 - 11am mom is calling for the

first of many times in a day. Some days she keeps me on the phone for up to 6

hrs at a time, which means my whole day is gone before I am " free " to go about

my day, and by then I am emotionally exhausted. To tell mom either on the phone

or in chat that I need to go is a difficult task because she refuses to hear it.

She will talk over the top of me or ignore what I have said and just keep

talking. If I try to break in she talks faster to stop me. If I make her angry

then she yells at me about how I don't love her, hangs up, and refuses to speak

to me for days, sometimes weeks (unless she feels desperate before that). When

she gets past her anger at me she will then call me on the phone and complain

that I didn't call her sooner, even though I had left her messages daily on her

voicemail and answering machine.. and then the cycle begins again like nothing

ever happened.

> > >

> > > Mom is very manipulative and will do whatever it takes to get what she

wants, the way she wants it. The worst was a night when she purposely let

herself fall down the basement stairs and hurt herself quite badly... because I

couldn't call her that night. That was her proof that I had to call EVERY night

because something could happen to her with nobody around to help her.

> > >

> > > As you can probably tell by now, I am a mess. I am in tears just typing

this post to the group. I feel as if my wonderful life has been sucked away and

I have been powerless to stop it or to get it back. What am I seeking? Hope.

Help. Understanding... a safe place to get all of this garbage out of my head

so I can SLEEP. I am soooo tired. Advice on how to handle mom without facing

the consequences she is famous for? That would be a blessing if anything

worked. I have run out of ideas, my husband has run out of ideas, my in laws

want me to have mom forcibly committed, and my children miss me. I have known

great desperation at various times in my life, but never anything like this

before.

> > >

> > > Is there hope?

> > >

> > > Thanks for listening.

> > >

> >

>

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Posted
Posted

You're right that running is not always the answer, and sticking it out

sounds like it was right for you. I wish I could have. I did try. But for

me running out of Oz was best. I don't ever want anything to do with that

woman ever again.

But, I am always interested in hearing about strategies & ways that people

cope. For me, deep breathing & visualization are huge. I also do something

my therapist calls... uh oh, now I can't think of the name of it. I always

forget the darn name hehe.

Anyway, with that technique, you simply close your eyes & relax & imagine a

bright, warm light of <insert favorite color here> filling your body slowly

from head to toe, you sort of guide your mind into seeing & feeling it as

the light slowly fills your body. It's an interesting technique that's

newer to me and I like it.

I also try to meditate. And I really want to learn yoga.

But yep, I like hearing how other people cope with stress & nada issues.

Not to hijack the thread (maybe a new one should be made?) but I think it's

a good subject. Maybe something someone shares will help someone else.

Mia

>

>

> dianajaye2000,

> I found out the hard way that running away doesn't solve anything. I tried

> that years ago, it bought me 10 yrs of peace from nada and a chance to find

> myself, and now things are worse than ever, just in different ways. I have

> never been a person to run away from my problems but instead, I choose to

> face them head on. I run at times to take a break, catch my breath,

> regroup... but I always jump right back in until the problem is resolved.

> That is just me and how I live life. There are some things you just can't

> run away from, and in my life, nada is one of them. I have developed some

> amazing coping skills that have served me well through my adult life, I just

> had to learn them the hard way as a child. Every so often I go into

> overload, when nada adds to an already stressful time in my life... and I

> need time to get it out of my system so I can once again regroup and do

> whatever has to be done, like it or not. My life is like a balancing act

> without a net, so I am extra careful of what I take on at a given time. I'm

> still walking, talking, functioning, and thriving as a person, so I figure I

> must be doing something right. With this group to help see me through the

> stress of the rough spots, I have high hopes of thriving more in the years

> to come.

>

>

>

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Posted
Posted

You're right that running is not always the answer, and sticking it out

sounds like it was right for you. I wish I could have. I did try. But for

me running out of Oz was best. I don't ever want anything to do with that

woman ever again.

But, I am always interested in hearing about strategies & ways that people

cope. For me, deep breathing & visualization are huge. I also do something

my therapist calls... uh oh, now I can't think of the name of it. I always

forget the darn name hehe.

Anyway, with that technique, you simply close your eyes & relax & imagine a

bright, warm light of <insert favorite color here> filling your body slowly

from head to toe, you sort of guide your mind into seeing & feeling it as

the light slowly fills your body. It's an interesting technique that's

newer to me and I like it.

I also try to meditate. And I really want to learn yoga.

But yep, I like hearing how other people cope with stress & nada issues.

Not to hijack the thread (maybe a new one should be made?) but I think it's

a good subject. Maybe something someone shares will help someone else.

Mia

>

>

> dianajaye2000,

> I found out the hard way that running away doesn't solve anything. I tried

> that years ago, it bought me 10 yrs of peace from nada and a chance to find

> myself, and now things are worse than ever, just in different ways. I have

> never been a person to run away from my problems but instead, I choose to

> face them head on. I run at times to take a break, catch my breath,

> regroup... but I always jump right back in until the problem is resolved.

> That is just me and how I live life. There are some things you just can't

> run away from, and in my life, nada is one of them. I have developed some

> amazing coping skills that have served me well through my adult life, I just

> had to learn them the hard way as a child. Every so often I go into

> overload, when nada adds to an already stressful time in my life... and I

> need time to get it out of my system so I can once again regroup and do

> whatever has to be done, like it or not. My life is like a balancing act

> without a net, so I am extra careful of what I take on at a given time. I'm

> still walking, talking, functioning, and thriving as a person, so I figure I

> must be doing something right. With this group to help see me through the

> stress of the rough spots, I have high hopes of thriving more in the years

> to come.

>

>

>

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Posted
Posted

You're right that running is not always the answer, and sticking it out

sounds like it was right for you. I wish I could have. I did try. But for

me running out of Oz was best. I don't ever want anything to do with that

woman ever again.

But, I am always interested in hearing about strategies & ways that people

cope. For me, deep breathing & visualization are huge. I also do something

my therapist calls... uh oh, now I can't think of the name of it. I always

forget the darn name hehe.

Anyway, with that technique, you simply close your eyes & relax & imagine a

bright, warm light of <insert favorite color here> filling your body slowly

from head to toe, you sort of guide your mind into seeing & feeling it as

the light slowly fills your body. It's an interesting technique that's

newer to me and I like it.

I also try to meditate. And I really want to learn yoga.

But yep, I like hearing how other people cope with stress & nada issues.

Not to hijack the thread (maybe a new one should be made?) but I think it's

a good subject. Maybe something someone shares will help someone else.

Mia

>

>

> dianajaye2000,

> I found out the hard way that running away doesn't solve anything. I tried

> that years ago, it bought me 10 yrs of peace from nada and a chance to find

> myself, and now things are worse than ever, just in different ways. I have

> never been a person to run away from my problems but instead, I choose to

> face them head on. I run at times to take a break, catch my breath,

> regroup... but I always jump right back in until the problem is resolved.

> That is just me and how I live life. There are some things you just can't

> run away from, and in my life, nada is one of them. I have developed some

> amazing coping skills that have served me well through my adult life, I just

> had to learn them the hard way as a child. Every so often I go into

> overload, when nada adds to an already stressful time in my life... and I

> need time to get it out of my system so I can once again regroup and do

> whatever has to be done, like it or not. My life is like a balancing act

> without a net, so I am extra careful of what I take on at a given time. I'm

> still walking, talking, functioning, and thriving as a person, so I figure I

> must be doing something right. With this group to help see me through the

> stress of the rough spots, I have high hopes of thriving more in the years

> to come.

>

>

>

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Posted
Posted

If you have a local library, check there. My local library has a lot of the

books I went out & bought before I moved to this area. I was kind of

surprised but glad they do! I need to look & see if they have one called " I

hate you don't leave me " . My therapist was talking about it one day. I'd

like to read it & add it to my brain's arsenal ;-)

Yeah, some of the books are really expensive and I'm on a giant budget which

is why I bought them slowly... then I moved here & checked out our wonderful

library. The one we had where I lived before was really small & didn't ever

have anything I wanted when it came to BPD.

Mia

>

>

> Girlscout,

> No, unfortunately, I have not read any of the books as of yet, but I am

> hoping to get a few that were suggested here in the group... soon! I have to

> wait until I can afford them, and then will have to wait for time to

> actually sit down and read them. Once the holidays are over that should be

> easier. I will add this one to my list, thank you for suggesting it.

>

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Armyinlaw, you are NOT ALONE. You are doing your best while carrying a

tremendous magnitude of baggage that the rest of the world just won't let

themselves see. Yes, they vanish when you try to talk about your FOO. Because

they don't get it, and they don't want to get it, because that would scare them.

But your experience is real, it's very very real as you know, as I know, as all

those here know. The strange reality whose strangeness is all the stranger

because nobody out there wants to listen (unless they're paid to listen, and

even then ... although you're lucky to have that psychotherapist pal) and even

when they listen they do. Not. Get. That a mother can be a tormentor without

really meaning to, and it can go on and on for your whole life while the world

says " Happy Mother's Day. "

Every line of your (not overly long) post rang out to me like a recording of my

own life. Not the 32 acres or the cats, but slightly different versions of the

specifics.

The anger, the sleep issues, the not driving, the feeling like a child forced to

parent, oh yes.

BPD Mom had a crisis in her life when your dad died and you let her back into

your life, at what a cost. I've been in that situation too and some days I felt

like running out into traffic. Thank God for my husband (and for yours).

She is taking too much of you and tearing you up and people might say (as they

have said to me) " Just don't take it anymore, " and sure you'd like to make that

change but how? This type of parent has incredible power to tie her children up,

the way spiders bind their prey in their webs and inject a paralytic poison into

them.

But luckily you are not a spider's prey. You are a conscious thinking feeling

human being who has a handle on what's going on and is reaching out. Yes, there

is hope because you're reaching out. From experience all I can tell you is,

" Remember this: She's ill, " which is not a way of making excuses for her but

rather a way of saying, " She might call you a lot and keep you on the phone

forever but as for what she actually says -- it isn't real, it doesn't matter so

much, you don't have to respond inside or out because if it is BPD it is

delusional. Yes, it's taking up way too much of my time and it's unfair and

selfish and horrible and I yearn to escape and someday somehow I will get my

life back, maybe tomorrow, but at least I can retain some sense of calm while

she is ranting because -- reminding myself now -- she is delusional. Her

emotions are based on nothing, misperceptions, randomness. They come and go. She

is un-fixable. Not by me, and probably not by anyone. "

It took me 50 years to realize that. It didn't help much -- at first.

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justicecamp,

I am in tears after reading your post, thank you. The things you said, the way

you said them... hit home so hard the tears just happened without warning.

There have been so many people who have told me over the years how they would

never tolerate such things, just walk away and don't look back. It just isn't

that simple. This latest " episode " has been going on for almost 2 yrs now,

since my step dad had his heart surgery. She was desperate, he was desperate...

and nobody would help them, so my husband and I stepped in until other help came

from somewhere... needless to say, it never came. After his heart surgery step

dad was diagnosed with a rare blood disease called Amyloidosis, and through all

of the initial misdiagnosis, through all of the treatments, month after month as

he got worse and worse, nobody would help them but me and hubby. The night he

died it was me who was holding mom together because nobody else would. When he

was gone and it was time to turn off the machines, it was left for me to explain

to her it was time to let him go... nobody else would. Of his 4 kids only one

showed up at the hospital that night... the one with mental illness issues...

she had an uncle drive her down from up north, while the ones who lived local

never even answered their phones that night. My full sister showed up, but she

was useless that night... (and every other night)only served to get nada more

upset than she already was. My sister has gotten to be an ace at doing just

enough to piss nada off to the limit and then disappear again... leaving me on

the receiving end while nada unloads. It has been this way most of my life.

Until step dad got sick, my sister was the princess in the family, everyone did

for her and forgot I existed or lectured about how she was better than me...

then when he got sick, sister simply " stepped out " of everything except the rare

phone calls to piss everyone off, start fights, etc. Nada has basically cut

sister off now, for which I am glad, because its just more stress and trouble

for me to deal with. But, sister and me being nada's only living family left...

that increases my burden because there simply is nobody else to see about the

things nada DOES need.

I am very angry with my sister, can you tell? ;-) Nada's latest was to start

changing all of her beneficiary paperwork now that she is widowed, and as she is

doing it she is cutting sister out of everything and leaving everything in my

name only. I understand why she has done it, in her situation with sister, I

would do it too... but, I have been working hard to make sure nada always

remembers, I am not here because I want anything from her, I am here because I

love her and she needs someone to look out for her sometimes. Those sometimes

have turned into all the time, and that is where MY issue lies. I need a break.

Parents get a break when they hire a baby sitter and go out for a night here and

there, or drop the kids off at the grandparents or aunts and uncle's houses...

with nada I never get a break and she won't communicate with anyone else

anymore. She has claimed me as her new life, without my permission, in spite of

any protest or action to the contrary on my part. Because I am " the child " that

also means nada's point of view is that if she doesn't have something then I

don't have a right to have it either, its not fair, and it turns into burning

jealousy from her... which brings... yep, you guessed it... more issues.

I don't want to be 50 yrs old and still trying to get my life back. I want it

back now. I want to find effective ways to " parent " my nada enough to give my

life back to me. I am desperately trying to help her gain some sense of

independence again, to take care of herself, to care about herself enough to do

so, and to step out into that big scary world without me holding her hand every

moment of every day. I don't want a 6 hr phone lecture telling me how strong

and independent and capable she is, I want 6 hrs of peace while she's out there

being strong, independent, and capable. Does that make sense?

Because of my sister's behavior and that mess of a situation, nada has moved me

into the position of " the golden child " with expectations that I simply can't

meet. Yes, I have told her that many times in many ways, she just refuses to

listen. It still comes down to either I love her or I don't, I do her bidding

or I don't, etc. There are the tears and tantrums about how awful she feels for

being so needy and how grateful she is to have me cuz otherwise she'd surely be

dead, etc etc. I can deal with the things she says to me, I have done that for

almost 41 yrs now and I'm still kicking... but the stress it causes me because

of the amount of my time she consumes, that is what is killing me. If she could

consolidate it all into a single 2 hr phone call once/wk I would feel as if I

had my life back and I would be content and virtually stress free. But, to

suggest it only brings onslaughts that are more unbearable than the current

situation left alone. This past month or so she has taken to calling me while

she's driving, having a panic attack because traffic is so heavy or she thinks

her truck is making a funny noise... and will literally beg me to stay on the

phone with her " just in case something happens " and to calm her down enough to

get home safely. Those calls are hours long as well, no matter if I'm making

dinner and burning the food because I'm tied to a phone (been there/done that)

no matter if I need to put the phone down to use the bathroom... (been

there/done that) and no matter that I have a crisis situation to deal with here

at home, whatever it may be.. (been there/done that). If I hang up she calls

back because " we must have gotten disconnected somehow " . If I don't answer when

she calls back she panics further, threatens on the answering machine to send

cops, ambulance, fire engines, etc. to my house because something must be

terribly wrong that I'm not answering. (yes, she will literally do that, been

there/done that too)

Just to join this group I had to open a new email account that only my husband

knows about because nada tracks that too. I have caught her joining groups I

have joined and becoming a " lurker " just to see what I am doing in the group.

When she discovers its something she's not interested in she quits the group and

thinks I never know. Now I have a 3rd email box to track just so I can be here,

and that is also time consuming and work. But, I did it, and have no regrets,

just that I'm exhausted, emotionally and physically. I told my shrink friend

just a few wks ago that I beg for a padded room, pillow, and blanket.. just lock

me in for a few wks and let me sleep, no contact with the outside world except

my husband and kids. That is my idea of a vacation... sleep.

Thank you for making me feel so understood, for really, truly understanding its

just " not that simple " as to walk away or enact NC and forget about her. If it

were that easy it would have been done by now.

About 6 yrs ago was the first contact I had with nada after almost 10 yrs of NC.

It was around the time I got engaged to hubby, while we were planning our

wedding. We purposely got married out of state so none of my family was able to

attend because I refused to let them ruin yet another wedding. I wanted to

start our perfect marriage out with a perfect wedding, which we did. During

that time I found out nada was having a cyber affair, for lack of a better term.

She hooked up on yahoo messenger and eventually graduated to phone calls, was

ready to toss in her life and move across the country to go be with this guy...

who, it turned out, was not who he claimed to be. Big surprise, it took me

months to convince her that he was not who he claimed, who she thought he was...

and she had a nervous breakdown over the whole ordeal. I was the only person

who knew about it (and my hubby, of course) and sworn to secrecy as she " put

herself back together " . This was about 2 yrs before my step dad got sick and

her world again turned upside down. Back then I had the upper hand, I used it,

and it worked just fine. I was there for her on my terms and we " bonded " for

the first time in my life. The bonding is what undid everything, along with the

circumstances with my step dad's health. All of a sudden she was more needy and

everything was " right now " because of his health problems. It just has never

gotten better since.

Somehow I need to find a way to regain the upper hand, this could work for all

of us if I can do that, but first I need sleep, rest, a break from the constant

and overwhelming drama, disrespect, and control battles over my life. And...

the other thing I have needed was what I am finding here... understanding from

someone who really knows what its like.

>

> Armyinlaw, you are NOT ALONE. You are doing your best while carrying a

tremendous magnitude of baggage that the rest of the world just won't let

themselves see. Yes, they vanish when you try to talk about your FOO. Because

they don't get it, and they don't want to get it, because that would scare them.

But your experience is real, it's very very real as you know, as I know, as all

those here know. The strange reality whose strangeness is all the stranger

because nobody out there wants to listen (unless they're paid to listen, and

even then ... although you're lucky to have that psychotherapist pal) and even

when they listen they do. Not. Get. That a mother can be a tormentor without

really meaning to, and it can go on and on for your whole life while the world

says " Happy Mother's Day. "

>

> Every line of your (not overly long) post rang out to me like a recording of

my own life. Not the 32 acres or the cats, but slightly different versions of

the specifics.

>

> The anger, the sleep issues, the not driving, the feeling like a child forced

to parent, oh yes.

>

> BPD Mom had a crisis in her life when your dad died and you let her back into

your life, at what a cost. I've been in that situation too and some days I felt

like running out into traffic. Thank God for my husband (and for yours).

>

> She is taking too much of you and tearing you up and people might say (as they

have said to me) " Just don't take it anymore, " and sure you'd like to make that

change but how? This type of parent has incredible power to tie her children up,

the way spiders bind their prey in their webs and inject a paralytic poison into

them.

>

> But luckily you are not a spider's prey. You are a conscious thinking feeling

human being who has a handle on what's going on and is reaching out. Yes, there

is hope because you're reaching out. From experience all I can tell you is,

" Remember this: She's ill, " which is not a way of making excuses for her but

rather a way of saying, " She might call you a lot and keep you on the phone

forever but as for what she actually says -- it isn't real, it doesn't matter so

much, you don't have to respond inside or out because if it is BPD it is

delusional. Yes, it's taking up way too much of my time and it's unfair and

selfish and horrible and I yearn to escape and someday somehow I will get my

life back, maybe tomorrow, but at least I can retain some sense of calm while

she is ranting because -- reminding myself now -- she is delusional. Her

emotions are based on nothing, misperceptions, randomness. They come and go. She

is un-fixable. Not by me, and probably not by anyone. "

>

> It took me 50 years to realize that. It didn't help much -- at first.

>

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I'm reading all this, and I just finished Randi Kreger's new book, " The

Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder. " I'm thinking that a

copy of this may help some.

In it there is a lot about behavior modification, how tolerating behavior you

say you don't want just rewards the person and makes repetition more and more

likely. This phenomenon about it all getting worse when you try to set limits

is discussed in there. It will get worse before it gets better, but you have to

tolerate it and keep setting the limit or it will never get better.

The life you are describing is intolerable. You have to set firm boundaries

with these people or you will end up going crazy. I've noticed that my

handicapped cousin was just a hellion with her mother--who always interacted

with her acting out, responded to it, and therefore tolerated it--and now that

she's in a home with people who call her on the lies she tries to tell on them,

or just walk out of the room and don't give her attention when she starts

bawling and carrying on, you wouldn't believe this is the same person who spent

five weeks in a mental ward after hitting and biting a nurse and a police

officer.

It's very hard to figure out how to pull back from some people when you're still

trying to make sure they'll be OK. I'm still trying to figure it out with these

two relatives. But your situation is extreme. Your nada has you trained. She

knows that all she has to do is press these buttons with you and you will do

what she wants. She won't change until you do.

I hope this is the year things start to get better, I really do.

--.

*this post has been trimmed*

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Posted
Posted

I'm reading all this, and I just finished Randi Kreger's new book, " The

Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder. " I'm thinking that a

copy of this may help some.

In it there is a lot about behavior modification, how tolerating behavior you

say you don't want just rewards the person and makes repetition more and more

likely. This phenomenon about it all getting worse when you try to set limits

is discussed in there. It will get worse before it gets better, but you have to

tolerate it and keep setting the limit or it will never get better.

The life you are describing is intolerable. You have to set firm boundaries

with these people or you will end up going crazy. I've noticed that my

handicapped cousin was just a hellion with her mother--who always interacted

with her acting out, responded to it, and therefore tolerated it--and now that

she's in a home with people who call her on the lies she tries to tell on them,

or just walk out of the room and don't give her attention when she starts

bawling and carrying on, you wouldn't believe this is the same person who spent

five weeks in a mental ward after hitting and biting a nurse and a police

officer.

It's very hard to figure out how to pull back from some people when you're still

trying to make sure they'll be OK. I'm still trying to figure it out with these

two relatives. But your situation is extreme. Your nada has you trained. She

knows that all she has to do is press these buttons with you and you will do

what she wants. She won't change until you do.

I hope this is the year things start to get better, I really do.

--.

*this post has been trimmed*

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Posted
Posted

I'm reading all this, and I just finished Randi Kreger's new book, " The

Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder. " I'm thinking that a

copy of this may help some.

In it there is a lot about behavior modification, how tolerating behavior you

say you don't want just rewards the person and makes repetition more and more

likely. This phenomenon about it all getting worse when you try to set limits

is discussed in there. It will get worse before it gets better, but you have to

tolerate it and keep setting the limit or it will never get better.

The life you are describing is intolerable. You have to set firm boundaries

with these people or you will end up going crazy. I've noticed that my

handicapped cousin was just a hellion with her mother--who always interacted

with her acting out, responded to it, and therefore tolerated it--and now that

she's in a home with people who call her on the lies she tries to tell on them,

or just walk out of the room and don't give her attention when she starts

bawling and carrying on, you wouldn't believe this is the same person who spent

five weeks in a mental ward after hitting and biting a nurse and a police

officer.

It's very hard to figure out how to pull back from some people when you're still

trying to make sure they'll be OK. I'm still trying to figure it out with these

two relatives. But your situation is extreme. Your nada has you trained. She

knows that all she has to do is press these buttons with you and you will do

what she wants. She won't change until you do.

I hope this is the year things start to get better, I really do.

--.

*this post has been trimmed*

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