Re: Has Growing Up with BPB Ruined Your Romantic Relationships?

[Guest guest]

Jaie,

A pair of books were helpful for me in this aspect of life, and perhaps

will be for you as well.

They are

Safe People

How People Grow

both by Dr s Henry Cloud and Townsend

Doug

>

> I have discovered that no matter how hard I try, I only find nada in

potential mates or my alcoholic father. I go in with the best intent,

have worked for years in therapy but the only men that approach me are

unhealthy ones. I'm now very quick to dismiss them but am rather

frustrated that it seems the only men interested in me are BPD, NPD or

alcoholics. I'm sick of it frankly so have decided I will not date and

just remain alone until the universe sees fit to send me someone worthy.

>

> Just curious, has this frustrated you too? Have you had bouts of

seeming to be a magnet for certain types of unhealthy partners? LOL

>

> I laugh about it now. I realize my own hand in my own undoing so

completely stopped any kind of enabling or co-dependent behavior. That's

all me and my stuff and I've fixed it... I have recovered. But even

though I'm attractive, successful and a really great catch, the only

ones I meet that are interested have something so wrong with them that I

just cannot even consider a relationship with them. We're not talking

about stuff that should be compromised on...were talking about the

pathological liars, cheaters, emotionally stunted types. UGH! I have

decided to focus only on me, my continued recovery and healing. I kept

thinking, wow, really? This is all I get? So much for the dream of

having a normal suburban life. The only thing I ever really wanted. I

just refuse to have it with sociopathic, pathological, personality

disordered or addicted partners. Hopefully, maybe one day, someone out

there like me will cross my path but for now, forget it. The concept of

dating makes me sick. Why bother! LOL

>

> I'm just curious if others have dealt with this and were you able to

change it. Was the change purpose or did the universe finally send you

an angel? I'm looking for hope because I've thrown in the towel.

>

> Blessings to all.

>

[Guest guest]

Jaie,

A pair of books were helpful for me in this aspect of life, and perhaps

will be for you as well.

They are

Safe People

How People Grow

both by Dr s Henry Cloud and Townsend

Doug

>

> I have discovered that no matter how hard I try, I only find nada in

potential mates or my alcoholic father. I go in with the best intent,

have worked for years in therapy but the only men that approach me are

unhealthy ones. I'm now very quick to dismiss them but am rather

frustrated that it seems the only men interested in me are BPD, NPD or

alcoholics. I'm sick of it frankly so have decided I will not date and

just remain alone until the universe sees fit to send me someone worthy.

>

> Just curious, has this frustrated you too? Have you had bouts of

seeming to be a magnet for certain types of unhealthy partners? LOL

>

> I laugh about it now. I realize my own hand in my own undoing so

completely stopped any kind of enabling or co-dependent behavior. That's

all me and my stuff and I've fixed it... I have recovered. But even

though I'm attractive, successful and a really great catch, the only

ones I meet that are interested have something so wrong with them that I

just cannot even consider a relationship with them. We're not talking

about stuff that should be compromised on...were talking about the

pathological liars, cheaters, emotionally stunted types. UGH! I have

decided to focus only on me, my continued recovery and healing. I kept

thinking, wow, really? This is all I get? So much for the dream of

having a normal suburban life. The only thing I ever really wanted. I

just refuse to have it with sociopathic, pathological, personality

disordered or addicted partners. Hopefully, maybe one day, someone out

there like me will cross my path but for now, forget it. The concept of

dating makes me sick. Why bother! LOL

>

> I'm just curious if others have dealt with this and were you able to

change it. Was the change purpose or did the universe finally send you

an angel? I'm looking for hope because I've thrown in the towel.

>

> Blessings to all.

>

[Guest guest]

Jaie,

It sounds like you are headed in the right direction. You are beginning to

recognize the bad potential partners and that is a very important step. I think

if you continue to work on you, you will have a chance to start meeting and

attracting healthier partners. You do not mention your age but I am guessing you

are a younger generation than me. I am mid fifties and I know that dating just

seems more difficult for your generation. My sons are also having a hard time.

My fada is BP but my husband and I have been married 30plus years and actually

have a nonBP marriage and have been able to demonstrate healthy patterns. I did

a lot of work on me without knowing I had been raised by a BP (I just knew he

was mentally ill) and I needed to get healthy because I hadn't been raised

healthy. I read a lot of self help books. I would recommend The Dance Away Lover

and Other Roles We Play in Love Sex and Marriage. It was still available on line

at Amazon a few years ago, because I recommended it to my son. You are right to

keep working on you. I hope you find the right partner. I may have had a lousy

childhood, but was able to find a decent partner. He could never understand why

I was so happy in our marriage until Fada moved in. My husband started walking

around saying this guy makes me look good! Keep working on you and keep reading

especially the books Doug recommended. Doug seems to have so much insight into

surviving BP and gives really good advice.

Kay

> >

> > I have discovered that no matter how hard I try, I only find nada in

> potential mates or my alcoholic father. I go in with the best intent,

> have worked for years in therapy but the only men that approach me are

> unhealthy ones. I'm now very quick to dismiss them but am rather

> frustrated that it seems the only men interested in me are BPD, NPD or

> alcoholics. I'm sick of it frankly so have decided I will not date and

> just remain alone until the universe sees fit to send me someone worthy.

> >

> > Just curious, has this frustrated you too? Have you had bouts of

> seeming to be a magnet for certain types of unhealthy partners? LOL

> >

> > I laugh about it now. I realize my own hand in my own undoing so

> completely stopped any kind of enabling or co-dependent behavior. That's

> all me and my stuff and I've fixed it... I have recovered. But even

> though I'm attractive, successful and a really great catch, the only

> ones I meet that are interested have something so wrong with them that I

> just cannot even consider a relationship with them. We're not talking

> about stuff that should be compromised on...were talking about the

> pathological liars, cheaters, emotionally stunted types. UGH! I have

> decided to focus only on me, my continued recovery and healing. I kept

> thinking, wow, really? This is all I get? So much for the dream of

> having a normal suburban life. The only thing I ever really wanted. I

> just refuse to have it with sociopathic, pathological, personality

> disordered or addicted partners. Hopefully, maybe one day, someone out

> there like me will cross my path but for now, forget it. The concept of

> dating makes me sick. Why bother! LOL

> >

> > I'm just curious if others have dealt with this and were you able to

> change it. Was the change purpose or did the universe finally send you

> an angel? I'm looking for hope because I've thrown in the towel.

> >

> > Blessings to all.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Jaie,

I understand what you are talking about and after kissing many frogs I finally

got my prince.

I have been with my prince for 14 years now and even though we have been through

very rough patches we are still very much in love and it just keeps getting

better and better.

After many failed attempts at unhealthy romantic relationships I decided to

write a list. It was a positive affirmation list to the universe on all I wanted

in a potential partner. I know sounds crazy but hey I was willing to give

anything ago.

Anyway.... it was 2 pages 2 columns wide and I wrote everything I could possibly

think of that I desired and was a must. Personality traits as well as physical

traits.

eg. No bad breath, No hairy back, Must be good listener, Must cook well. etc.

True story.

I read it every day. I have never been one for men chasing me but out of the

woodwork came men from every direction.

I know I was being tested as even though I met some nice ones, they didn't make

the list so I had to move on. That is the trick!!!!!!!!. Move on girlfriend if

they don't tick the boxes.............

When I finally met my future husband he was EVERYTHING on the list.

I couldn't believe it and was always waiting for something to go wrong. I

thought he was too good to be true.

14 years later I still pinch myself that I snagged him and he adores me as I

adore him.

I also believe from periods in our relationship that to help it work fully, I

had to give him space to soul search and I also had to go about mine. We did it

together and there were times where I could of moved into mothering roles with

him but I just stood back and supported him through his personal challenges.

I too had to learn to back off and not expect him to rescue me and my problems.

We have our own interests and combined ones. We are best friends as well as

lovers. We love to have fun and always try to keep life lighthearted when

things are tough.

Don't give up. I am one person that does believe in true love. I do believe in

soul mates too but they can be people along our way we are meant to be with that

teach us lessons and help us learn what we want and what we don't. So they

aren't really a waste of time. When we love ourselves enough we will not allow

bad treatment from anyone.

I recommend the LOVE LIST.

Best of luck,

Kazam x

>

> I have discovered that no matter how hard I try, I only find nada in potential

mates or my alcoholic father. I go in with the best intent, have worked for

years in therapy but the only men that approach me are unhealthy ones. I'm now

very quick to dismiss them but am rather frustrated that it seems the only men

interested in me are BPD, NPD or alcoholics. I'm sick of it frankly so have

decided I will not date and just remain alone until the universe sees fit to

send me someone worthy.

>

> Just curious, has this frustrated you too? Have you had bouts of seeming to

be a magnet for certain types of unhealthy partners? LOL

>

> I laugh about it now. I realize my own hand in my own undoing so completely

stopped any kind of enabling or co-dependent behavior. That's all me and my

stuff and I've fixed it... I have recovered. But even though I'm attractive,

successful and a really great catch, the only ones I meet that are interested

have something so wrong with them that I just cannot even consider a

relationship with them. We're not talking about stuff that should be

compromised on...were talking about the pathological liars, cheaters,

emotionally stunted types. UGH! I have decided to focus only on me, my

continued recovery and healing. I kept thinking, wow, really? This is all I

get? So much for the dream of having a normal suburban life. The only thing I

ever really wanted. I just refuse to have it with sociopathic, pathological,

personality disordered or addicted partners. Hopefully, maybe one day, someone

out there like me will cross my path but for now, forget it. The concept of

dating makes me sick. Why bother! LOL

>

> I'm just curious if others have dealt with this and were you able to change

it. Was the change purpose or did the universe finally send you an angel? I'm

looking for hope because I've thrown in the towel.

>

> Blessings to all.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Jaie,

I understand what you are talking about and after kissing many frogs I finally

got my prince.

I have been with my prince for 14 years now and even though we have been through

very rough patches we are still very much in love and it just keeps getting

better and better.

After many failed attempts at unhealthy romantic relationships I decided to

write a list. It was a positive affirmation list to the universe on all I wanted

in a potential partner. I know sounds crazy but hey I was willing to give

anything ago.

Anyway.... it was 2 pages 2 columns wide and I wrote everything I could possibly

think of that I desired and was a must. Personality traits as well as physical

traits.

eg. No bad breath, No hairy back, Must be good listener, Must cook well. etc.

True story.

I read it every day. I have never been one for men chasing me but out of the

woodwork came men from every direction.

I know I was being tested as even though I met some nice ones, they didn't make

the list so I had to move on. That is the trick!!!!!!!!. Move on girlfriend if

they don't tick the boxes.............

When I finally met my future husband he was EVERYTHING on the list.

I couldn't believe it and was always waiting for something to go wrong. I

thought he was too good to be true.

14 years later I still pinch myself that I snagged him and he adores me as I

adore him.

I also believe from periods in our relationship that to help it work fully, I

had to give him space to soul search and I also had to go about mine. We did it

together and there were times where I could of moved into mothering roles with

him but I just stood back and supported him through his personal challenges.

I too had to learn to back off and not expect him to rescue me and my problems.

We have our own interests and combined ones. We are best friends as well as

lovers. We love to have fun and always try to keep life lighthearted when

things are tough.

Don't give up. I am one person that does believe in true love. I do believe in

soul mates too but they can be people along our way we are meant to be with that

teach us lessons and help us learn what we want and what we don't. So they

aren't really a waste of time. When we love ourselves enough we will not allow

bad treatment from anyone.

I recommend the LOVE LIST.

Best of luck,

Kazam x

>

> I have discovered that no matter how hard I try, I only find nada in potential

mates or my alcoholic father. I go in with the best intent, have worked for

years in therapy but the only men that approach me are unhealthy ones. I'm now

very quick to dismiss them but am rather frustrated that it seems the only men

interested in me are BPD, NPD or alcoholics. I'm sick of it frankly so have

decided I will not date and just remain alone until the universe sees fit to

send me someone worthy.

>

> Just curious, has this frustrated you too? Have you had bouts of seeming to

be a magnet for certain types of unhealthy partners? LOL

>

> I laugh about it now. I realize my own hand in my own undoing so completely

stopped any kind of enabling or co-dependent behavior. That's all me and my

stuff and I've fixed it... I have recovered. But even though I'm attractive,

successful and a really great catch, the only ones I meet that are interested

have something so wrong with them that I just cannot even consider a

relationship with them. We're not talking about stuff that should be

compromised on...were talking about the pathological liars, cheaters,

emotionally stunted types. UGH! I have decided to focus only on me, my

continued recovery and healing. I kept thinking, wow, really? This is all I

get? So much for the dream of having a normal suburban life. The only thing I

ever really wanted. I just refuse to have it with sociopathic, pathological,

personality disordered or addicted partners. Hopefully, maybe one day, someone

out there like me will cross my path but for now, forget it. The concept of

dating makes me sick. Why bother! LOL

>

> I'm just curious if others have dealt with this and were you able to change

it. Was the change purpose or did the universe finally send you an angel? I'm

looking for hope because I've thrown in the towel.

>

> Blessings to all.

>

[Guest guest]

Jaie,

p.s. Another book that helped me " Women who love too much "

Robyn Norwood

It is at amazon just checked.

Kazam x

> > >

> > > I have discovered that no matter how hard I try, I only find nada in

> > potential mates or my alcoholic father. I go in with the best intent,

> > have worked for years in therapy but the only men that approach me are

> > unhealthy ones. I'm now very quick to dismiss them but am rather

> > frustrated that it seems the only men interested in me are BPD, NPD or

> > alcoholics. I'm sick of it frankly so have decided I will not date and

> > just remain alone until the universe sees fit to send me someone worthy.

> > >

> > > Just curious, has this frustrated you too? Have you had bouts of

> > seeming to be a magnet for certain types of unhealthy partners? LOL

> > >

> > > I laugh about it now. I realize my own hand in my own undoing so

> > completely stopped any kind of enabling or co-dependent behavior. That's

> > all me and my stuff and I've fixed it... I have recovered. But even

> > though I'm attractive, successful and a really great catch, the only

> > ones I meet that are interested have something so wrong with them that I

> > just cannot even consider a relationship with them. We're not talking

> > about stuff that should be compromised on...were talking about the

> > pathological liars, cheaters, emotionally stunted types. UGH! I have

> > decided to focus only on me, my continued recovery and healing. I kept

> > thinking, wow, really? This is all I get? So much for the dream of

> > having a normal suburban life. The only thing I ever really wanted. I

> > just refuse to have it with sociopathic, pathological, personality

> > disordered or addicted partners. Hopefully, maybe one day, someone out

> > there like me will cross my path but for now, forget it. The concept of

> > dating makes me sick. Why bother! LOL

> > >

> > > I'm just curious if others have dealt with this and were you able to

> > change it. Was the change purpose or did the universe finally send you

> > an angel? I'm looking for hope because I've thrown in the towel.

> > >

> > > Blessings to all.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Jaie,

p.s. Another book that helped me " Women who love too much "

Robyn Norwood

It is at amazon just checked.

Kazam x

> > >

> > > I have discovered that no matter how hard I try, I only find nada in

> > potential mates or my alcoholic father. I go in with the best intent,

> > have worked for years in therapy but the only men that approach me are

> > unhealthy ones. I'm now very quick to dismiss them but am rather

> > frustrated that it seems the only men interested in me are BPD, NPD or

> > alcoholics. I'm sick of it frankly so have decided I will not date and

> > just remain alone until the universe sees fit to send me someone worthy.

> > >

> > > Just curious, has this frustrated you too? Have you had bouts of

> > seeming to be a magnet for certain types of unhealthy partners? LOL

> > >

> > > I laugh about it now. I realize my own hand in my own undoing so

> > completely stopped any kind of enabling or co-dependent behavior. That's

> > all me and my stuff and I've fixed it... I have recovered. But even

> > though I'm attractive, successful and a really great catch, the only

> > ones I meet that are interested have something so wrong with them that I

> > just cannot even consider a relationship with them. We're not talking

> > about stuff that should be compromised on...were talking about the

> > pathological liars, cheaters, emotionally stunted types. UGH! I have

> > decided to focus only on me, my continued recovery and healing. I kept

> > thinking, wow, really? This is all I get? So much for the dream of

> > having a normal suburban life. The only thing I ever really wanted. I

> > just refuse to have it with sociopathic, pathological, personality

> > disordered or addicted partners. Hopefully, maybe one day, someone out

> > there like me will cross my path but for now, forget it. The concept of

> > dating makes me sick. Why bother! LOL

> > >

> > > I'm just curious if others have dealt with this and were you able to

> > change it. Was the change purpose or did the universe finally send you

> > an angel? I'm looking for hope because I've thrown in the towel.

> > >

> > > Blessings to all.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Really great advice guys. Thanks. I appreciate so much the positive thoughts

and words.

Definitely some good food for thought. I think I may just decide that I'm

enjoying single too much to take the chance on complicating it with a

relationship any way. I really do enjoy being able to do what I want, when I

want with no insulting, passive-aggressive cling-ons or guilt monsters nipping

at my heels! LOL

I'll check into the books. Thanks again!!!!

jaie

>

> I have discovered that no matter how hard I try, I only find nada in potential

mates or my alcoholic father. I go in with the best intent, have worked for

years in therapy but the only men that approach me are unhealthy ones. I'm now

very quick to dismiss them but am rather frustrated that it seems the only men

interested in me are BPD, NPD or alcoholics. I'm sick of it frankly so have

decided I will not date and just remain alone until the universe sees fit to

send me someone worthy.

>

> Just curious, has this frustrated you too? Have you had bouts of seeming to

be a magnet for certain types of unhealthy partners? LOL

>

> I laugh about it now. I realize my own hand in my own undoing so completely

stopped any kind of enabling or co-dependent behavior. That's all me and my

stuff and I've fixed it... I have recovered. But even though I'm attractive,

successful and a really great catch, the only ones I meet that are interested

have something so wrong with them that I just cannot even consider a

relationship with them. We're not talking about stuff that should be

compromised on...were talking about the pathological liars, cheaters,

emotionally stunted types. UGH! I have decided to focus only on me, my

continued recovery and healing. I kept thinking, wow, really? This is all I

get? So much for the dream of having a normal suburban life. The only thing I

ever really wanted. I just refuse to have it with sociopathic, pathological,

personality disordered or addicted partners. Hopefully, maybe one day, someone

out there like me will cross my path but for now, forget it. The concept of

dating makes me sick. Why bother! LOL

>

> I'm just curious if others have dealt with this and were you able to change

it. Was the change purpose or did the universe finally send you an angel? I'm

looking for hope because I've thrown in the towel.

>

> Blessings to all.

>

[Guest guest]

Really great advice guys. Thanks. I appreciate so much the positive thoughts

and words.

Definitely some good food for thought. I think I may just decide that I'm

enjoying single too much to take the chance on complicating it with a

relationship any way. I really do enjoy being able to do what I want, when I

want with no insulting, passive-aggressive cling-ons or guilt monsters nipping

at my heels! LOL

I'll check into the books. Thanks again!!!!

jaie

>

> I have discovered that no matter how hard I try, I only find nada in potential

mates or my alcoholic father. I go in with the best intent, have worked for

years in therapy but the only men that approach me are unhealthy ones. I'm now

very quick to dismiss them but am rather frustrated that it seems the only men

interested in me are BPD, NPD or alcoholics. I'm sick of it frankly so have

decided I will not date and just remain alone until the universe sees fit to

send me someone worthy.

>

> Just curious, has this frustrated you too? Have you had bouts of seeming to

be a magnet for certain types of unhealthy partners? LOL

>

> I laugh about it now. I realize my own hand in my own undoing so completely

stopped any kind of enabling or co-dependent behavior. That's all me and my

stuff and I've fixed it... I have recovered. But even though I'm attractive,

successful and a really great catch, the only ones I meet that are interested

have something so wrong with them that I just cannot even consider a

relationship with them. We're not talking about stuff that should be

compromised on...were talking about the pathological liars, cheaters,

emotionally stunted types. UGH! I have decided to focus only on me, my

continued recovery and healing. I kept thinking, wow, really? This is all I

get? So much for the dream of having a normal suburban life. The only thing I

ever really wanted. I just refuse to have it with sociopathic, pathological,

personality disordered or addicted partners. Hopefully, maybe one day, someone

out there like me will cross my path but for now, forget it. The concept of

dating makes me sick. Why bother! LOL

>

> I'm just curious if others have dealt with this and were you able to change

it. Was the change purpose or did the universe finally send you an angel? I'm

looking for hope because I've thrown in the towel.

>

> Blessings to all.

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, yes, yes and yes! Wow, I could have written your post. My experience was

so similar, and I also felt like giving up. I attracted alcoholics like my fada,

emotional blackmailers, abusers, and losers throughout my twenties. I finally

took a hiatus, sound familiar?

I created a very, very discriminating 'criteria' list for my 'potential man. For

starters, it included items such as: Must have a job, must not be on

psychological meds, must not be divorced, must have a car, must be groomed, must

have no addictions, must be intelligent, must have sense of humour, etc. NO

EXCEPTIONS. The list was very extensive. After much time alone, I then went onto

internet dating and dated my ass off. I screened guys mercilessly online before

chatting whatsoever. I then met only the ones who met all the criteria. Then, I

mercilessly screened those guys, until guess what?

No more frogs, my prince appeared! It took me 31 years but he was worth it. The

key is to screen, screen, and screen these guys mercilessly with zero guilt.

Always polite and nice, but DISCRIMINATE always!!! Don't deviate from your list.

ok? (It helps to have a critical list with MUST/MUST NOT haves that you cannot

compromise on, and then a sublist of things you could compromise on later such

as: blue eyes, likes hummus, etc.) make sense?

He will show up eventually, I promise.

[Guest guest]

Yes, yes, yes and yes! Wow, I could have written your post. My experience was

so similar, and I also felt like giving up. I attracted alcoholics like my fada,

emotional blackmailers, abusers, and losers throughout my twenties. I finally

took a hiatus, sound familiar?

I created a very, very discriminating 'criteria' list for my 'potential man. For

starters, it included items such as: Must have a job, must not be on

psychological meds, must not be divorced, must have a car, must be groomed, must

have no addictions, must be intelligent, must have sense of humour, etc. NO

EXCEPTIONS. The list was very extensive. After much time alone, I then went onto

internet dating and dated my ass off. I screened guys mercilessly online before

chatting whatsoever. I then met only the ones who met all the criteria. Then, I

mercilessly screened those guys, until guess what?

No more frogs, my prince appeared! It took me 31 years but he was worth it. The

key is to screen, screen, and screen these guys mercilessly with zero guilt.

Always polite and nice, but DISCRIMINATE always!!! Don't deviate from your list.

ok? (It helps to have a critical list with MUST/MUST NOT haves that you cannot

compromise on, and then a sublist of things you could compromise on later such

as: blue eyes, likes hummus, etc.) make sense?

He will show up eventually, I promise.

[Guest guest]

Agreed- big time screwed up! I married a version of my nada.

It is so very painful!

Excellent topic!

>

> Yes, yes, yes and yes! Wow, I could have written your post. My experience was

so similar, and I also felt like giving up. I attracted alcoholics like my fada,

emotional blackmailers, abusers, and losers throughout my twenties. I finally

took a hiatus, sound familiar?

>

> I created a very, very discriminating 'criteria' list for my 'potential man.

For starters, it included items such as: Must have a job, must not be on

psychological meds, must not be divorced, must have a car, must be groomed, must

have no addictions, must be intelligent, must have sense of humour, etc. NO

EXCEPTIONS. The list was very extensive. After much time alone, I then went onto

internet dating and dated my ass off. I screened guys mercilessly online before

chatting whatsoever. I then met only the ones who met all the criteria. Then, I

mercilessly screened those guys, until guess what?

>

> No more frogs, my prince appeared! It took me 31 years but he was worth it.

The key is to screen, screen, and screen these guys mercilessly with zero guilt.

Always polite and nice, but DISCRIMINATE always!!! Don't deviate from your list.

ok? (It helps to have a critical list with MUST/MUST NOT haves that you cannot

compromise on, and then a sublist of things you could compromise on later such

as: blue eyes, likes hummus, etc.) make sense?

>

> He will show up eventually, I promise.

>