Re: Forming Healthy Friendships... Is it hard for others too?

[Guest guest]

I have the same trouble! I told someone the other day my healthy person radar

detector seems to be busted. I feel like a magnet drawing dysfunctional people

towards me from every corner of the universe. I recently have pulled away from

yet another dysfuctional friendship. With this one there were a few odd signs

that I detected early on but I just couldn't put my finger on the issue. She

and I found we had lots in common and we became best of friends too....but once

I offered to lend a helping hand a couple times I found out what a parasite she

could be. Then as I pulled away she began hounding me with obsessive phone

calls, texts and emails. So I pulled back farther and went n/c and still she

attempts to contact me with panic stricken messages filled with her unresolved

abandonment issues, all of which has sealed the deal for me.....this is one

person I do not need in my life.

I guess my only answer is that when it feels right and comfortable to ME....its

probably NOT!

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sun, December 26, 2010 10:43:01 AM

Subject: Forming Healthy Friendships... Is it hard for

others too?

I've been in therapy for the past 12 years dealing with all the damage

my BP nada caused, and while I've made great progress in areas of my

life like career, marriage, motherhood, and just general stability, the

one thing I can't seem to break out of is forming friendships with

really dysfunctional people. This is something I've talked to my

therapist about but she just suggests places for me to meet new people

and not how to break the cycle of dysfunction. I consistently make

friends with women that are either children of BPs or have some type of

severe emotional baggage they refuse to get help for. I end up becoming

their personal therapist and despite begging them to seek professional

help they choose to remain unhappy and bring me down with them. I

recently ended a relationship with my BEST friend b/c I couldn't handle

being hurt over and over but then got really depressed b/c it was like

losing a sister.

So I'm wondering if other children of BPs also have trouble finding

healthy friendships and if so, how do you deal with it?

[Guest guest]

Not being able to form healthy friendships is a huge issue for me. I've dealt

with it by having no friends at all, but that is not working very well for me.

I'm irrationally certain that I'll get trapped in a friendship. I'm working with

a therapist and gaining skills in setting boundaries, but I don't think that I'm

ready to take on friendship yet.

[Guest guest]

Not being able to form healthy friendships is a huge issue for me. I've dealt

with it by having no friends at all, but that is not working very well for me.

I'm irrationally certain that I'll get trapped in a friendship. I'm working with

a therapist and gaining skills in setting boundaries, but I don't think that I'm

ready to take on friendship yet.

[Guest guest]

Not being able to form healthy friendships is a huge issue for me. I've dealt

with it by having no friends at all, but that is not working very well for me.

I'm irrationally certain that I'll get trapped in a friendship. I'm working with

a therapist and gaining skills in setting boundaries, but I don't think that I'm

ready to take on friendship yet.

[Guest guest]

I am also a . Did you know the meaning of is CARING. Thought it was

funny that 3 of us 's have the same problem.

I have got to a stage of not letting anyone in anymore and becoming too

judgemental. My radar is always on high alert and I am usually not wrong. This

has happened after many friendships have become hard work and not very healthy

at all.

I am getting use to being on my own much more now and using this board, my

higher power and my poor husband as sounding boards.

I do have friendships that I have had for many years. I do not live near any of

them. I wonder if I seen them more if they too would push my triggers. They

have been 20 year friendships.

I have found healthy older women 50 plus to be a great support. I am 41 and

have always enjoyed older wiser women.

I think it just takes time and I think our friendships become different as we

get older. For me when I was younger friendships were very enmeshed and

personal. I thought my friends had to know right down to the bone and vice

versa.

Now I like to be not so self disclosing. I have still become the therapist to

many women over the last few years. Sharing what I have learnt. Also with them

not doing anything about their problems. I think that is just a trap I fell

into from Nada. I stopped trying to save her and went about trying to save

others of their misery.

This too has failed of course. Silly me to think otherwise. I am just going

about my life and not bothering about it all for the moment. Friendships will

form if they are meant to. I think it is about me healing and understanding

what I really want from life now.

I read a little book that I found helpful.

It is called 'WHEN I LOVED MYSELF ENOUGH' by Kim McMillen.

See there I go again. ha ha. At least I know everyone here are trying to help

themselves heal. So it is ok to recommend right? LOL.

Kazam x

>

> Not being able to form healthy friendships is a huge issue for me. I've dealt

with it by having no friends at all, but that is not working very well for me.

I'm irrationally certain that I'll get trapped in a friendship. I'm working with

a therapist and gaining skills in setting boundaries, but I don't think that I'm

ready to take on friendship yet.

>

[Guest guest]

Once again we are all so much alike it amazes me still when I read all of these

posts, it sounds like someone has gotten into my head and simply put to words

what is there.

Friendships... most of my life " friends " just didn't exist. There were many

acquaintances, just nobody I could ever see to be a real and true friend. Then,

there have been a few people in my life that were so close as friends we were

family to each other. There never seems to be an in between on that topic in my

life.

My younger years were spent holding onto anyone who was nice to me and calling

them friend. How dangerous a game that was to play...

As I got older I fell into the trap of trying to be everyone's best friend,

trying to help everyone who needed it (except me) and finding myself the one

suffering the most.

As a young adult in my mid 20's I developed an " I don't give a damn " attitude

that applied to everyone except my children. That took me the farthest in my

healing process, although it was not without its flaws.

Now I am a couple of weeks before turning 41 and feel very isolated. My level

of trust outside of my husband and children is very low and damaged. My

relationship with my 1/2 brother has suffered over the past yr or so because of

nada and her pushing about how she doesn't like him and how I can't trust him,

he's nothing but trouble. I know my brother, while not perfect, loves me

dearly. He is my only remaining contact/tie to anyone on my father's side of

the family, also something nada hates about him. She doesn't allow me to get

close to anyone but my husband and children before her panic buttons go off. As

a kid I can remember her chasing people away from me with her abusive and

outrageous behaviors. Boyfriends were just guys who used me until they found

out they couldn't get into my pants... my nada just would not allow anyone to

get too close. My first boyfriend when I was 12 came to " dinner " , nada offered

to make pizza and insisted if I had a boyfriend she had to meet him. He showed

up, sat through about 20 minutes of my naked baby pictures, and then left...

never got around to eating anything. He ran for the door mumbling excuses about

how he forgot he had to be home as he shot out the door and never looked back.

Of course, that made him a bad person, not a proper boyfriend, so he was to be

forgotten per nada's instructions.

The first time I had a boy hold my hand, he was walking me home after our time

together. We were 2 blocks from my house and I was about 4 minutes late... here

comes nada in the car, tires squealing as she pulled over, jumped out of the

car, door still open, and literally dragged me to the car by the hair. Of

course, not knowing what to do, he ran. The screaming coming from her could be

heard blocks away.

We get into a patten having grown up the way we did with the BPD parent, and

whether we continue contact or not with that parent, the BPD haunts every aspect

of our lives. I have found we can heal to a point, we can forgive, but we can

never seem to forget. I pray every day for the ability to forget, it just never

happens. The tiniest of things can set me off in a downward spiral, no warning

and no sense in any of it... but it happens. We all tend to lead sheltered

lives I see. That does not surprise me, just makes me sad that there are so

many of us out here. No child, no human being, should have to suffer the abuse

we have suffered. While putting a clinical name to it does help in the healing

process, helps with some of the separation between us and our parent(s), it does

not make all of our life's horrors fizzle and go away, does not resolve our

insecurities.

My opinion of friends... isn't that what we have all found here in the group?

Real friends who understand and want to help when we need it... people who are

willing to hold our hand when things are rough instead of running out the door,

and still around to share the good stuff with, too. Isn't that what a friend

is? I think our problem of friendship has been somewhat resolved by joining

this group, has it not? I am finding a wonderful new beginning here, learning

all over again what it takes to qualify as a friend and how to recognize one

when someone comes along. It may not be an easy road, but it is a beginning,

and a beginning is something we all need. We need to learn to crawl before we

walk, no matter what our age.

I would like to hold out my hand to everyone here and open myself up to real

friends... please, walk into my life, pull up a chair, and stay a while. We

have a lot of good times ahead of us all, and we are all here to share them

together!

> >

> > Not being able to form healthy friendships is a huge issue for me. I've

dealt with it by having no friends at all, but that is not working very well for

me. I'm irrationally certain that I'll get trapped in a friendship. I'm working

with a therapist and gaining skills in setting boundaries, but I don't think

that I'm ready to take on friendship yet.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Once again we are all so much alike it amazes me still when I read all of these

posts, it sounds like someone has gotten into my head and simply put to words

what is there.

Friendships... most of my life " friends " just didn't exist. There were many

acquaintances, just nobody I could ever see to be a real and true friend. Then,

there have been a few people in my life that were so close as friends we were

family to each other. There never seems to be an in between on that topic in my

life.

My younger years were spent holding onto anyone who was nice to me and calling

them friend. How dangerous a game that was to play...

As I got older I fell into the trap of trying to be everyone's best friend,

trying to help everyone who needed it (except me) and finding myself the one

suffering the most.

As a young adult in my mid 20's I developed an " I don't give a damn " attitude

that applied to everyone except my children. That took me the farthest in my

healing process, although it was not without its flaws.

Now I am a couple of weeks before turning 41 and feel very isolated. My level

of trust outside of my husband and children is very low and damaged. My

relationship with my 1/2 brother has suffered over the past yr or so because of

nada and her pushing about how she doesn't like him and how I can't trust him,

he's nothing but trouble. I know my brother, while not perfect, loves me

dearly. He is my only remaining contact/tie to anyone on my father's side of

the family, also something nada hates about him. She doesn't allow me to get

close to anyone but my husband and children before her panic buttons go off. As

a kid I can remember her chasing people away from me with her abusive and

outrageous behaviors. Boyfriends were just guys who used me until they found

out they couldn't get into my pants... my nada just would not allow anyone to

get too close. My first boyfriend when I was 12 came to " dinner " , nada offered

to make pizza and insisted if I had a boyfriend she had to meet him. He showed

up, sat through about 20 minutes of my naked baby pictures, and then left...

never got around to eating anything. He ran for the door mumbling excuses about

how he forgot he had to be home as he shot out the door and never looked back.

Of course, that made him a bad person, not a proper boyfriend, so he was to be

forgotten per nada's instructions.

The first time I had a boy hold my hand, he was walking me home after our time

together. We were 2 blocks from my house and I was about 4 minutes late... here

comes nada in the car, tires squealing as she pulled over, jumped out of the

car, door still open, and literally dragged me to the car by the hair. Of

course, not knowing what to do, he ran. The screaming coming from her could be

heard blocks away.

We get into a patten having grown up the way we did with the BPD parent, and

whether we continue contact or not with that parent, the BPD haunts every aspect

of our lives. I have found we can heal to a point, we can forgive, but we can

never seem to forget. I pray every day for the ability to forget, it just never

happens. The tiniest of things can set me off in a downward spiral, no warning

and no sense in any of it... but it happens. We all tend to lead sheltered

lives I see. That does not surprise me, just makes me sad that there are so

many of us out here. No child, no human being, should have to suffer the abuse

we have suffered. While putting a clinical name to it does help in the healing

process, helps with some of the separation between us and our parent(s), it does

not make all of our life's horrors fizzle and go away, does not resolve our

insecurities.

My opinion of friends... isn't that what we have all found here in the group?

Real friends who understand and want to help when we need it... people who are

willing to hold our hand when things are rough instead of running out the door,

and still around to share the good stuff with, too. Isn't that what a friend

is? I think our problem of friendship has been somewhat resolved by joining

this group, has it not? I am finding a wonderful new beginning here, learning

all over again what it takes to qualify as a friend and how to recognize one

when someone comes along. It may not be an easy road, but it is a beginning,

and a beginning is something we all need. We need to learn to crawl before we

walk, no matter what our age.

I would like to hold out my hand to everyone here and open myself up to real

friends... please, walk into my life, pull up a chair, and stay a while. We

have a lot of good times ahead of us all, and we are all here to share them

together!

> >

> > Not being able to form healthy friendships is a huge issue for me. I've

dealt with it by having no friends at all, but that is not working very well for

me. I'm irrationally certain that I'll get trapped in a friendship. I'm working

with a therapist and gaining skills in setting boundaries, but I don't think

that I'm ready to take on friendship yet.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Once again we are all so much alike it amazes me still when I read all of these

posts, it sounds like someone has gotten into my head and simply put to words

what is there.

Friendships... most of my life " friends " just didn't exist. There were many

acquaintances, just nobody I could ever see to be a real and true friend. Then,

there have been a few people in my life that were so close as friends we were

family to each other. There never seems to be an in between on that topic in my

life.

My younger years were spent holding onto anyone who was nice to me and calling

them friend. How dangerous a game that was to play...

As I got older I fell into the trap of trying to be everyone's best friend,

trying to help everyone who needed it (except me) and finding myself the one

suffering the most.

As a young adult in my mid 20's I developed an " I don't give a damn " attitude

that applied to everyone except my children. That took me the farthest in my

healing process, although it was not without its flaws.

Now I am a couple of weeks before turning 41 and feel very isolated. My level

of trust outside of my husband and children is very low and damaged. My

relationship with my 1/2 brother has suffered over the past yr or so because of

nada and her pushing about how she doesn't like him and how I can't trust him,

he's nothing but trouble. I know my brother, while not perfect, loves me

dearly. He is my only remaining contact/tie to anyone on my father's side of

the family, also something nada hates about him. She doesn't allow me to get

close to anyone but my husband and children before her panic buttons go off. As

a kid I can remember her chasing people away from me with her abusive and

outrageous behaviors. Boyfriends were just guys who used me until they found

out they couldn't get into my pants... my nada just would not allow anyone to

get too close. My first boyfriend when I was 12 came to " dinner " , nada offered

to make pizza and insisted if I had a boyfriend she had to meet him. He showed

up, sat through about 20 minutes of my naked baby pictures, and then left...

never got around to eating anything. He ran for the door mumbling excuses about

how he forgot he had to be home as he shot out the door and never looked back.

Of course, that made him a bad person, not a proper boyfriend, so he was to be

forgotten per nada's instructions.

The first time I had a boy hold my hand, he was walking me home after our time

together. We were 2 blocks from my house and I was about 4 minutes late... here

comes nada in the car, tires squealing as she pulled over, jumped out of the

car, door still open, and literally dragged me to the car by the hair. Of

course, not knowing what to do, he ran. The screaming coming from her could be

heard blocks away.

We get into a patten having grown up the way we did with the BPD parent, and

whether we continue contact or not with that parent, the BPD haunts every aspect

of our lives. I have found we can heal to a point, we can forgive, but we can

never seem to forget. I pray every day for the ability to forget, it just never

happens. The tiniest of things can set me off in a downward spiral, no warning

and no sense in any of it... but it happens. We all tend to lead sheltered

lives I see. That does not surprise me, just makes me sad that there are so

many of us out here. No child, no human being, should have to suffer the abuse

we have suffered. While putting a clinical name to it does help in the healing

process, helps with some of the separation between us and our parent(s), it does

not make all of our life's horrors fizzle and go away, does not resolve our

insecurities.

My opinion of friends... isn't that what we have all found here in the group?

Real friends who understand and want to help when we need it... people who are

willing to hold our hand when things are rough instead of running out the door,

and still around to share the good stuff with, too. Isn't that what a friend

is? I think our problem of friendship has been somewhat resolved by joining

this group, has it not? I am finding a wonderful new beginning here, learning

all over again what it takes to qualify as a friend and how to recognize one

when someone comes along. It may not be an easy road, but it is a beginning,

and a beginning is something we all need. We need to learn to crawl before we

walk, no matter what our age.

I would like to hold out my hand to everyone here and open myself up to real

friends... please, walk into my life, pull up a chair, and stay a while. We

have a lot of good times ahead of us all, and we are all here to share them

together!

> >

> > Not being able to form healthy friendships is a huge issue for me. I've

dealt with it by having no friends at all, but that is not working very well for

me. I'm irrationally certain that I'll get trapped in a friendship. I'm working

with a therapist and gaining skills in setting boundaries, but I don't think

that I'm ready to take on friendship yet.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank-you Armyinlaw that was lovely and yes it is friendships here and sharing.

It is true how alike we all are on so many levels. It is comforting isn't it

because for me I spent most of my life feeling different and misunderstood. Now

I feel here that others finally understand and that is healing in itself.

Hallaleuah !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kazam x

> > >

> > > Not being able to form healthy friendships is a huge issue for me. I've

dealt with it by having no friends at all, but that is not working very well for

me. I'm irrationally certain that I'll get trapped in a friendship. I'm working

with a therapist and gaining skills in setting boundaries, but I don't think

that I'm ready to take on friendship yet.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I'm cautious about forming friendships. I do tend to make friends with people

that seem to have some sort of PD traits. When I realize it, I tend to back away

emotionally.

Thats now though. There was one point in time that I would become emeshed

unhealthily and would completely loose myself in the relationship. I was a peace

keeper, I would solve problems, I would do anything to keep the other person

happy.

I think it's a growing process. When you see what happens, when you learn what

you want and need in a relationship, then I think it becomes easier to spot the

ones you should run from.

>

> I've been in therapy for the past 12 years dealing with all the damage

> my BP nada caused, and while I've made great progress in areas of my

> life like career, marriage, motherhood, and just general stability, the

> one thing I can't seem to break out of is forming friendships with

> really dysfunctional people. This is something I've talked to my

> therapist about but she just suggests places for me to meet new people

> and not how to break the cycle of dysfunction. I consistently make

> friends with women that are either children of BPs or have some type of

> severe emotional baggage they refuse to get help for. I end up becoming

> their personal therapist and despite begging them to seek professional

> help they choose to remain unhappy and bring me down with them. I

> recently ended a relationship with my BEST friend b/c I couldn't handle

> being hurt over and over but then got really depressed b/c it was like

> losing a sister.

> So I'm wondering if other children of BPs also have trouble finding

> healthy friendships and if so, how do you deal with it?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

You couldn't have brought this up at a better time - I have been struggling so

much with the lack of friends in my life and the loneliness I feel. My Nada and

Fada died just a little over a year ago and while I struggled so hard to

maintain a relationship with them I just hated being around them. It was a

terrible conflict. And yet there were some really close times with between me

and my father who I now miss terribly. I didn't realize how much we talked and

how close we had become.

After they died my sister and brother and I became estranged - leftover BPD

dynamic - it is a whole family disease - not just one person. My sister and I

had been very close. Then shortly after that I lost my partner of 15 years and

then my job. Add to that having just relocated to a new state where I knew no

one. I have been fairly isolated since then not even having a job to go to

daily (I work from home now doing consulting). Though I have been picking up

the pieces of my life, it has been a very lonely trek.

Someone once posted on here how they new in their heart that they were the kind

of person that most people just wanted to get away from as fast as they could.

I remember completely breaking down when I read it because she spoke my truth -

one that I had always " known " and felt but couldn't bear to really admit to

myself because of the shear heartbreak of it. I still have that post, it so

eloquently described something that I have experienced all of my life as well.

I am not a needy person and have come a long way in life with a lot of therapy,

12 step work, spiritual study and bodywork. But still I cannot seem to make new

friends. I joined a UU church shortly after I arrived here, but I cannot seem

to sustain whatever it takes to participate and make friends. Reaching out can

be so terrifying for me and I still get hurt so easily. I have toughened up

over the years, but yet still feel so vulnerable to rejection at a personal

level. That part of me still struggles.

I wish I had a magic answer for you, but I guess there is solace in knowing that

so many of us here have the same issue and can share how they have dealt with

it. And yes, we have become friends here through a bond of similar experience

and struggle. It is a deep and rich bond and you will always know you are not

alone when on this board. I had to take a break for some time as I was dealing

with so many issues that I just had to focus on one day at a time and not stir

the BPD pot. But I am back and hoping to learn from all of you who struggle

with issues just like this one.

Thank you everyone.

>

> I've been in therapy for the past 12 years dealing with all the damage

> my BP nada caused, and while I've made great progress in areas of my

> life like career, marriage, motherhood, and just general stability, the

> one thing I can't seem to break out of is forming friendships with

> really dysfunctional people. This is something I've talked to my

> therapist about but she just suggests places for me to meet new people

> and not how to break the cycle of dysfunction. I consistently make

> friends with women that are either children of BPs or have some type of

> severe emotional baggage they refuse to get help for. I end up becoming

> their personal therapist and despite begging them to seek professional

> help they choose to remain unhappy and bring me down with them. I

> recently ended a relationship with my BEST friend b/c I couldn't handle

> being hurt over and over but then got really depressed b/c it was like

> losing a sister.

> So I'm wondering if other children of BPs also have trouble finding

> healthy friendships and if so, how do you deal with it?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, Kazam, it is wonderful, isn't it? When I first came here, only a couple of

wks ago, my stress levels were so high that it was making me physically ill.

Now I am back to doing the things I have always loved to do and finding my

stress levels are lower now than they have been in the past few yrs.

Knowing you're not alone helps a lot with this particular issue because as

children of a BPD parent, being alone is something we always seek out just for

safety and sanity. It can be very hard to socialize in the " normal " world when

we're not sure what " normal " really is... we have never experienced it. Here,

in this group, normal is the same for everyone, we all lived the same kind of

normal because of our parents illness. The feeling of " fitting in " is not in

question here, which can open us up to any possibility we can imagine now.

I find it very comforting to know I'm not the only one pulling my hair out on a

daily basis... for the same reasons... instead of feeling insane I feel sane and

like I have an ally for the first time in my life. Instead of someone telling

me I have to be a better person, I have to change, conform... I now have people

to remind me that there is nothing wrong with me just being me.

I hope you will find the same comfort here as I have found. I truly believe

this group is saving my life.

> > > >

> > > > Not being able to form healthy friendships is a huge issue for me. I've

dealt with it by having no friends at all, but that is not working very well for

me. I'm irrationally certain that I'll get trapped in a friendship. I'm working

with a therapist and gaining skills in setting boundaries, but I don't think

that I'm ready to take on friendship yet.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, Kazam, it is wonderful, isn't it? When I first came here, only a couple of

wks ago, my stress levels were so high that it was making me physically ill.

Now I am back to doing the things I have always loved to do and finding my

stress levels are lower now than they have been in the past few yrs.

Knowing you're not alone helps a lot with this particular issue because as

children of a BPD parent, being alone is something we always seek out just for

safety and sanity. It can be very hard to socialize in the " normal " world when

we're not sure what " normal " really is... we have never experienced it. Here,

in this group, normal is the same for everyone, we all lived the same kind of

normal because of our parents illness. The feeling of " fitting in " is not in

question here, which can open us up to any possibility we can imagine now.

I find it very comforting to know I'm not the only one pulling my hair out on a

daily basis... for the same reasons... instead of feeling insane I feel sane and

like I have an ally for the first time in my life. Instead of someone telling

me I have to be a better person, I have to change, conform... I now have people

to remind me that there is nothing wrong with me just being me.

I hope you will find the same comfort here as I have found. I truly believe

this group is saving my life.

> > > >

> > > > Not being able to form healthy friendships is a huge issue for me. I've

dealt with it by having no friends at all, but that is not working very well for

me. I'm irrationally certain that I'll get trapped in a friendship. I'm working

with a therapist and gaining skills in setting boundaries, but I don't think

that I'm ready to take on friendship yet.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

A very wise man (a therapist) gave me some wonderful advice once. He told me,

before I can expect others to like me I first have to like myself... otherwise I

have nothing to share or offer another person as my 1/2 of the relationship. My

job is not to be someone else's emotional baggage, it is not their job to hold

me up and make me feel special or wanted or even loved. That is for me to do

for myself.

Once I was able to look in a mirror and really truly like what I saw, I found

that making friends came much easier because my focus was no longer on whether

someone liked me or not... I didn't NEED someone else to be my crutch, therefore

I was able to participate in a relationship with another person, be it friend or

partner, and I found I had expectations of others I chose to call friend. I no

longer felt like I had to chase people down and beg for them to befriend me

because I was so lonely...

Try to focus on you first. Once you get that resolved, the rest will come

naturally, and you will attract a better kind of person, leaving you many

options for friendship that you never realized was possible.

> >

> > I've been in therapy for the past 12 years dealing with all the damage

> > my BP nada caused, and while I've made great progress in areas of my

> > life like career, marriage, motherhood, and just general stability, the

> > one thing I can't seem to break out of is forming friendships with

> > really dysfunctional people. This is something I've talked to my

> > therapist about but she just suggests places for me to meet new people

> > and not how to break the cycle of dysfunction. I consistently make

> > friends with women that are either children of BPs or have some type of

> > severe emotional baggage they refuse to get help for. I end up becoming

> > their personal therapist and despite begging them to seek professional

> > help they choose to remain unhappy and bring me down with them. I

> > recently ended a relationship with my BEST friend b/c I couldn't handle

> > being hurt over and over but then got really depressed b/c it was like

> > losing a sister.

> > So I'm wondering if other children of BPs also have trouble finding

> > healthy friendships and if so, how do you deal with it?

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

A very wise man (a therapist) gave me some wonderful advice once. He told me,

before I can expect others to like me I first have to like myself... otherwise I

have nothing to share or offer another person as my 1/2 of the relationship. My

job is not to be someone else's emotional baggage, it is not their job to hold

me up and make me feel special or wanted or even loved. That is for me to do

for myself.

Once I was able to look in a mirror and really truly like what I saw, I found

that making friends came much easier because my focus was no longer on whether

someone liked me or not... I didn't NEED someone else to be my crutch, therefore

I was able to participate in a relationship with another person, be it friend or

partner, and I found I had expectations of others I chose to call friend. I no

longer felt like I had to chase people down and beg for them to befriend me

because I was so lonely...

Try to focus on you first. Once you get that resolved, the rest will come

naturally, and you will attract a better kind of person, leaving you many

options for friendship that you never realized was possible.

> >

> > I've been in therapy for the past 12 years dealing with all the damage

> > my BP nada caused, and while I've made great progress in areas of my

> > life like career, marriage, motherhood, and just general stability, the

> > one thing I can't seem to break out of is forming friendships with

> > really dysfunctional people. This is something I've talked to my

> > therapist about but she just suggests places for me to meet new people

> > and not how to break the cycle of dysfunction. I consistently make

> > friends with women that are either children of BPs or have some type of

> > severe emotional baggage they refuse to get help for. I end up becoming

> > their personal therapist and despite begging them to seek professional

> > help they choose to remain unhappy and bring me down with them. I

> > recently ended a relationship with my BEST friend b/c I couldn't handle

> > being hurt over and over but then got really depressed b/c it was like

> > losing a sister.

> > So I'm wondering if other children of BPs also have trouble finding

> > healthy friendships and if so, how do you deal with it?

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Sometimes I just wish we could all just give each other a big hug. lol

Kazam x

>

> I've been in therapy for the past 12 years dealing with all the damage

> my BP nada caused, and while I've made great progress in areas of my

> life like career, marriage, motherhood, and just general stability, the

> one thing I can't seem to break out of is forming friendships with

> really dysfunctional people. This is something I've talked to my

> therapist about but she just suggests places for me to meet new people

> and not how to break the cycle of dysfunction. I consistently make

> friends with women that are either children of BPs or have some type of

> severe emotional baggage they refuse to get help for. I end up becoming

> their personal therapist and despite begging them to seek professional

> help they choose to remain unhappy and bring me down with them. I

> recently ended a relationship with my BEST friend b/c I couldn't handle

> being hurt over and over but then got really depressed b/c it was like

> losing a sister.

> So I'm wondering if other children of BPs also have trouble finding

> healthy friendships and if so, how do you deal with it?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you everyone for your input and thoughts... this has been very

helpful and I'm so glad I finally got the courage to post :-) I'm

looking forward to many more!

[Guest guest]

Thank you everyone for your input and thoughts... this has been very

helpful and I'm so glad I finally got the courage to post :-) I'm

looking forward to many more!

[Guest guest]

Thank you everyone for your input and thoughts... this has been very

helpful and I'm so glad I finally got the courage to post :-) I'm

looking forward to many more!

[Guest guest]

I think we shared a life. This sounds just like me too. Friendships have

always been hard for me, but I have always had 1 or 2 very close friends,

but not a whole bunch like most people I know. I also have issues with

really any relationship, including work relationships. This is concerning

for me as a nursing student. I have no problems feeling like I can provide

awesome care to my clients, but dealing with co-workers will be tough. It

always is for me. I feel like I don't fit in with most people. A lot of

that comes from being told that I was weird/different/unliked by nada, I'm

sure.

It's interesting to me to see that others who have survived a BPD parent

also struggle with that. I feel less alone.

Mia

>

>

> Once again we are all so much alike it amazes me still when I read all of

> these posts, it sounds like someone has gotten into my head and simply put

> to words what is there.

> Friendships... most of my life " friends " just didn't exist. There were many

> acquaintances, just nobody I could ever see to be a real and true friend.

> Then, there have been a few people in my life that were so close as friends

> we were family to each other. There never seems to be an in between on that

> topic in my life.

>

> My younger years were spent holding onto anyone who was nice to me and

> calling them friend. How dangerous a game that was to play...

> As I got older I fell into the trap of trying to be everyone's best friend,

> trying to help everyone who needed it (except me) and finding myself the one

> suffering the most.

> As a young adult in my mid 20's I developed an " I don't give a damn "

> attitude that applied to everyone except my children. That took me the

> farthest in my healing process, although it was not without its flaws.

> Now I am a couple of weeks before turning 41 and feel very isolated. My

> level of trust outside of my husband and children is very low and damaged.

> My relationship with my 1/2 brother has suffered over the past yr or so

> because of nada and her pushing about how she doesn't like him and how I

> can't trust him, he's nothing but trouble. I know my brother, while not

> perfect, loves me dearly. He is my only remaining contact/tie to anyone on

> my father's side of the family, also something nada hates about him. She

> doesn't allow me to get close to anyone but my husband and children before

> her panic buttons go off. As a kid I can remember her chasing people away

> from me with her abusive and outrageous behaviors. Boyfriends were just guys

> who used me until they found out they couldn't get into my pants... my nada

> just would not allow anyone to get too close. My first boyfriend when I was

> 12 came to " dinner " , nada offered to make pizza and insisted if I had a

> boyfriend she had to meet him. He showed up, sat through about 20 minutes of

> my naked baby pictures, and then left... never got around to eating

> anything. He ran for the door mumbling excuses about how he forgot he had to

> be home as he shot out the door and never looked back. Of course, that made

> him a bad person, not a proper boyfriend, so he was to be forgotten per

> nada's instructions.

> The first time I had a boy hold my hand, he was walking me home after our

> time together. We were 2 blocks from my house and I was about 4 minutes

> late... here comes nada in the car, tires squealing as she pulled over,

> jumped out of the car, door still open, and literally dragged me to the car

> by the hair. Of course, not knowing what to do, he ran. The screaming coming

> from her could be heard blocks away.

>

> We get into a patten having grown up the way we did with the BPD parent,

> and whether we continue contact or not with that parent, the BPD haunts

> every aspect of our lives. I have found we can heal to a point, we can

> forgive, but we can never seem to forget. I pray every day for the ability

> to forget, it just never happens. The tiniest of things can set me off in a

> downward spiral, no warning and no sense in any of it... but it happens. We

> all tend to lead sheltered lives I see. That does not surprise me, just

> makes me sad that there are so many of us out here. No child, no human

> being, should have to suffer the abuse we have suffered. While putting a

> clinical name to it does help in the healing process, helps with some of the

> separation between us and our parent(s), it does not make all of our life's

> horrors fizzle and go away, does not resolve our insecurities.

>

> My opinion of friends... isn't that what we have all found here in the

> group? Real friends who understand and want to help when we need it...

> people who are willing to hold our hand when things are rough instead of

> running out the door, and still around to share the good stuff with, too.

> Isn't that what a friend is? I think our problem of friendship has been

> somewhat resolved by joining this group, has it not? I am finding a

> wonderful new beginning here, learning all over again what it takes to

> qualify as a friend and how to recognize one when someone comes along. It

> may not be an easy road, but it is a beginning, and a beginning is something

> we all need. We need to learn to crawl before we walk, no matter what our

> age.

>

> I would like to hold out my hand to everyone here and open myself up to

> real friends... please, walk into my life, pull up a chair, and stay a

> while. We have a lot of good times ahead of us all, and we are all here to

> share them together!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I grew up hearing my nada call me " weird " and " creepy " because I just happened

to not like girly-girl things and activities like she did. I was supposed to be

exactly like her, and even though I was enmeshed with her and desperate to

please her, I am an individual person and have tastes and preferences of my own.

Like you I pretty consistently throughout my life have had only one or two close

friends at a time and not a whole gaggle of friends, but over the last 10 years

or so that is changing. I have discovered interest groups, I have found that I

like belonging to various in-person meet-up groups and having a wider circle of

friends. Not all of them are really close, but that's OK. In late middle age I

am becoming more sociable than I ever was as a young person, and I like it! So,

change is possible. I hope each of us finds a path to the joyful adult life

that is our birthright.

-Annie

>

> >

> >

> > Once again we are all so much alike it amazes me still when I read all of

> > these posts, it sounds like someone has gotten into my head and simply put

> > to words what is there.

> > Friendships... most of my life " friends " just didn't exist. There were many

> > acquaintances, just nobody I could ever see to be a real and true friend.

> > Then, there have been a few people in my life that were so close as friends

> > we were family to each other. There never seems to be an in between on that

> > topic in my life.

> >

> > My younger years were spent holding onto anyone who was nice to me and

> > calling them friend. How dangerous a game that was to play...

> > As I got older I fell into the trap of trying to be everyone's best friend,

> > trying to help everyone who needed it (except me) and finding myself the one

> > suffering the most.

> > As a young adult in my mid 20's I developed an " I don't give a damn "

> > attitude that applied to everyone except my children. That took me the

> > farthest in my healing process, although it was not without its flaws.

> > Now I am a couple of weeks before turning 41 and feel very isolated. My

> > level of trust outside of my husband and children is very low and damaged.

> > My relationship with my 1/2 brother has suffered over the past yr or so

> > because of nada and her pushing about how she doesn't like him and how I

> > can't trust him, he's nothing but trouble. I know my brother, while not

> > perfect, loves me dearly. He is my only remaining contact/tie to anyone on

> > my father's side of the family, also something nada hates about him. She

> > doesn't allow me to get close to anyone but my husband and children before

> > her panic buttons go off. As a kid I can remember her chasing people away

> > from me with her abusive and outrageous behaviors. Boyfriends were just guys

> > who used me until they found out they couldn't get into my pants... my nada

> > just would not allow anyone to get too close. My first boyfriend when I was

> > 12 came to " dinner " , nada offered to make pizza and insisted if I had a

> > boyfriend she had to meet him. He showed up, sat through about 20 minutes of

> > my naked baby pictures, and then left... never got around to eating

> > anything. He ran for the door mumbling excuses about how he forgot he had to

> > be home as he shot out the door and never looked back. Of course, that made

> > him a bad person, not a proper boyfriend, so he was to be forgotten per

> > nada's instructions.

> > The first time I had a boy hold my hand, he was walking me home after our

> > time together. We were 2 blocks from my house and I was about 4 minutes

> > late... here comes nada in the car, tires squealing as she pulled over,

> > jumped out of the car, door still open, and literally dragged me to the car

> > by the hair. Of course, not knowing what to do, he ran. The screaming coming

> > from her could be heard blocks away.

> >

> > We get into a patten having grown up the way we did with the BPD parent,

> > and whether we continue contact or not with that parent, the BPD haunts

> > every aspect of our lives. I have found we can heal to a point, we can

> > forgive, but we can never seem to forget. I pray every day for the ability

> > to forget, it just never happens. The tiniest of things can set me off in a

> > downward spiral, no warning and no sense in any of it... but it happens. We

> > all tend to lead sheltered lives I see. That does not surprise me, just

> > makes me sad that there are so many of us out here. No child, no human

> > being, should have to suffer the abuse we have suffered. While putting a

> > clinical name to it does help in the healing process, helps with some of the

> > separation between us and our parent(s), it does not make all of our life's

> > horrors fizzle and go away, does not resolve our insecurities.

> >

> > My opinion of friends... isn't that what we have all found here in the

> > group? Real friends who understand and want to help when we need it...

> > people who are willing to hold our hand when things are rough instead of

> > running out the door, and still around to share the good stuff with, too.

> > Isn't that what a friend is? I think our problem of friendship has been

> > somewhat resolved by joining this group, has it not? I am finding a

> > wonderful new beginning here, learning all over again what it takes to

> > qualify as a friend and how to recognize one when someone comes along. It

> > may not be an easy road, but it is a beginning, and a beginning is something

> > we all need. We need to learn to crawl before we walk, no matter what our

> > age.

> >

> > I would like to hold out my hand to everyone here and open myself up to

> > real friends... please, walk into my life, pull up a chair, and stay a

> > while. We have a lot of good times ahead of us all, and we are all here to

> > share them together!

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I grew up hearing my nada call me " weird " and " creepy " because I just happened

to not like girly-girl things and activities like she did. I was supposed to be

exactly like her, and even though I was enmeshed with her and desperate to

please her, I am an individual person and have tastes and preferences of my own.

Like you I pretty consistently throughout my life have had only one or two close

friends at a time and not a whole gaggle of friends, but over the last 10 years

or so that is changing. I have discovered interest groups, I have found that I

like belonging to various in-person meet-up groups and having a wider circle of

friends. Not all of them are really close, but that's OK. In late middle age I

am becoming more sociable than I ever was as a young person, and I like it! So,

change is possible. I hope each of us finds a path to the joyful adult life

that is our birthright.

-Annie

>

> >

> >

> > Once again we are all so much alike it amazes me still when I read all of

> > these posts, it sounds like someone has gotten into my head and simply put

> > to words what is there.

> > Friendships... most of my life " friends " just didn't exist. There were many

> > acquaintances, just nobody I could ever see to be a real and true friend.

> > Then, there have been a few people in my life that were so close as friends

> > we were family to each other. There never seems to be an in between on that

> > topic in my life.

> >

> > My younger years were spent holding onto anyone who was nice to me and

> > calling them friend. How dangerous a game that was to play...

> > As I got older I fell into the trap of trying to be everyone's best friend,

> > trying to help everyone who needed it (except me) and finding myself the one

> > suffering the most.

> > As a young adult in my mid 20's I developed an " I don't give a damn "

> > attitude that applied to everyone except my children. That took me the

> > farthest in my healing process, although it was not without its flaws.

> > Now I am a couple of weeks before turning 41 and feel very isolated. My

> > level of trust outside of my husband and children is very low and damaged.

> > My relationship with my 1/2 brother has suffered over the past yr or so

> > because of nada and her pushing about how she doesn't like him and how I

> > can't trust him, he's nothing but trouble. I know my brother, while not

> > perfect, loves me dearly. He is my only remaining contact/tie to anyone on

> > my father's side of the family, also something nada hates about him. She

> > doesn't allow me to get close to anyone but my husband and children before

> > her panic buttons go off. As a kid I can remember her chasing people away

> > from me with her abusive and outrageous behaviors. Boyfriends were just guys

> > who used me until they found out they couldn't get into my pants... my nada

> > just would not allow anyone to get too close. My first boyfriend when I was

> > 12 came to " dinner " , nada offered to make pizza and insisted if I had a

> > boyfriend she had to meet him. He showed up, sat through about 20 minutes of

> > my naked baby pictures, and then left... never got around to eating

> > anything. He ran for the door mumbling excuses about how he forgot he had to

> > be home as he shot out the door and never looked back. Of course, that made

> > him a bad person, not a proper boyfriend, so he was to be forgotten per

> > nada's instructions.

> > The first time I had a boy hold my hand, he was walking me home after our

> > time together. We were 2 blocks from my house and I was about 4 minutes

> > late... here comes nada in the car, tires squealing as she pulled over,

> > jumped out of the car, door still open, and literally dragged me to the car

> > by the hair. Of course, not knowing what to do, he ran. The screaming coming

> > from her could be heard blocks away.

> >

> > We get into a patten having grown up the way we did with the BPD parent,

> > and whether we continue contact or not with that parent, the BPD haunts

> > every aspect of our lives. I have found we can heal to a point, we can

> > forgive, but we can never seem to forget. I pray every day for the ability

> > to forget, it just never happens. The tiniest of things can set me off in a

> > downward spiral, no warning and no sense in any of it... but it happens. We

> > all tend to lead sheltered lives I see. That does not surprise me, just

> > makes me sad that there are so many of us out here. No child, no human

> > being, should have to suffer the abuse we have suffered. While putting a

> > clinical name to it does help in the healing process, helps with some of the

> > separation between us and our parent(s), it does not make all of our life's

> > horrors fizzle and go away, does not resolve our insecurities.

> >

> > My opinion of friends... isn't that what we have all found here in the

> > group? Real friends who understand and want to help when we need it...

> > people who are willing to hold our hand when things are rough instead of

> > running out the door, and still around to share the good stuff with, too.

> > Isn't that what a friend is? I think our problem of friendship has been

> > somewhat resolved by joining this group, has it not? I am finding a

> > wonderful new beginning here, learning all over again what it takes to

> > qualify as a friend and how to recognize one when someone comes along. It

> > may not be an easy road, but it is a beginning, and a beginning is something

> > we all need. We need to learn to crawl before we walk, no matter what our

> > age.

> >

> > I would like to hold out my hand to everyone here and open myself up to

> > real friends... please, walk into my life, pull up a chair, and stay a

> > while. We have a lot of good times ahead of us all, and we are all here to

> > share them together!

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I grew up hearing my nada call me " weird " and " creepy " because I just happened

to not like girly-girl things and activities like she did. I was supposed to be

exactly like her, and even though I was enmeshed with her and desperate to

please her, I am an individual person and have tastes and preferences of my own.

Like you I pretty consistently throughout my life have had only one or two close

friends at a time and not a whole gaggle of friends, but over the last 10 years

or so that is changing. I have discovered interest groups, I have found that I

like belonging to various in-person meet-up groups and having a wider circle of

friends. Not all of them are really close, but that's OK. In late middle age I

am becoming more sociable than I ever was as a young person, and I like it! So,

change is possible. I hope each of us finds a path to the joyful adult life

that is our birthright.

-Annie

>

> >

> >

> > Once again we are all so much alike it amazes me still when I read all of

> > these posts, it sounds like someone has gotten into my head and simply put

> > to words what is there.

> > Friendships... most of my life " friends " just didn't exist. There were many

> > acquaintances, just nobody I could ever see to be a real and true friend.

> > Then, there have been a few people in my life that were so close as friends

> > we were family to each other. There never seems to be an in between on that

> > topic in my life.

> >

> > My younger years were spent holding onto anyone who was nice to me and

> > calling them friend. How dangerous a game that was to play...

> > As I got older I fell into the trap of trying to be everyone's best friend,

> > trying to help everyone who needed it (except me) and finding myself the one

> > suffering the most.

> > As a young adult in my mid 20's I developed an " I don't give a damn "

> > attitude that applied to everyone except my children. That took me the

> > farthest in my healing process, although it was not without its flaws.

> > Now I am a couple of weeks before turning 41 and feel very isolated. My

> > level of trust outside of my husband and children is very low and damaged.

> > My relationship with my 1/2 brother has suffered over the past yr or so

> > because of nada and her pushing about how she doesn't like him and how I

> > can't trust him, he's nothing but trouble. I know my brother, while not

> > perfect, loves me dearly. He is my only remaining contact/tie to anyone on

> > my father's side of the family, also something nada hates about him. She

> > doesn't allow me to get close to anyone but my husband and children before

> > her panic buttons go off. As a kid I can remember her chasing people away

> > from me with her abusive and outrageous behaviors. Boyfriends were just guys

> > who used me until they found out they couldn't get into my pants... my nada

> > just would not allow anyone to get too close. My first boyfriend when I was

> > 12 came to " dinner " , nada offered to make pizza and insisted if I had a

> > boyfriend she had to meet him. He showed up, sat through about 20 minutes of

> > my naked baby pictures, and then left... never got around to eating

> > anything. He ran for the door mumbling excuses about how he forgot he had to

> > be home as he shot out the door and never looked back. Of course, that made

> > him a bad person, not a proper boyfriend, so he was to be forgotten per

> > nada's instructions.

> > The first time I had a boy hold my hand, he was walking me home after our

> > time together. We were 2 blocks from my house and I was about 4 minutes

> > late... here comes nada in the car, tires squealing as she pulled over,

> > jumped out of the car, door still open, and literally dragged me to the car

> > by the hair. Of course, not knowing what to do, he ran. The screaming coming

> > from her could be heard blocks away.

> >

> > We get into a patten having grown up the way we did with the BPD parent,

> > and whether we continue contact or not with that parent, the BPD haunts

> > every aspect of our lives. I have found we can heal to a point, we can

> > forgive, but we can never seem to forget. I pray every day for the ability

> > to forget, it just never happens. The tiniest of things can set me off in a

> > downward spiral, no warning and no sense in any of it... but it happens. We

> > all tend to lead sheltered lives I see. That does not surprise me, just

> > makes me sad that there are so many of us out here. No child, no human

> > being, should have to suffer the abuse we have suffered. While putting a

> > clinical name to it does help in the healing process, helps with some of the

> > separation between us and our parent(s), it does not make all of our life's

> > horrors fizzle and go away, does not resolve our insecurities.

> >

> > My opinion of friends... isn't that what we have all found here in the

> > group? Real friends who understand and want to help when we need it...

> > people who are willing to hold our hand when things are rough instead of

> > running out the door, and still around to share the good stuff with, too.

> > Isn't that what a friend is? I think our problem of friendship has been

> > somewhat resolved by joining this group, has it not? I am finding a

> > wonderful new beginning here, learning all over again what it takes to

> > qualify as a friend and how to recognize one when someone comes along. It

> > may not be an easy road, but it is a beginning, and a beginning is something

> > we all need. We need to learn to crawl before we walk, no matter what our

> > age.

> >

> > I would like to hold out my hand to everyone here and open myself up to

> > real friends... please, walk into my life, pull up a chair, and stay a

> > while. We have a lot of good times ahead of us all, and we are all here to

> > share them together!

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

May it be so! Agreed, Annie; the internet has been a life-saver for so many of

us, as it has given us access to others that share our interests, and that we

would otherwise not be able to find in our local communities.

~ Alastriona ~

Subject: Re: Forming Healthy Friendships... Is it hard for

others too?

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Thursday, December 30, 2010, 10:29 AM

I grew up hearing my nada call me " weird " and " creepy " because I just happened

to not like girly-girl things and activities like she did. I was supposed to be

exactly like her, and even though I was enmeshed with her and desperate to

please her, I am an individual person and have tastes and preferences of my own.

Like you I pretty consistently throughout my life have had only one or two close

friends at a time and not a whole gaggle of friends, but over the last 10 years

or so that is changing. I have discovered interest groups, I have found that I

like belonging to various in-person meet-up groups and having a wider circle of

friends. Not all of them are really close, but that's OK. In late middle age I

am becoming more sociable than I ever was as a young person, and I like it! So,

change is possible. I hope each of us finds a path to the joyful adult life

that is our birthright.

-Annie

>

> >

> >

> > Once again we are all so much alike it amazes me still when I read all of

> > these posts, it sounds like someone has gotten into my head and simply put

> > to words what is there.

> > Friendships... most of my life " friends " just didn't exist. There were many

> > acquaintances, just nobody I could ever see to be a real and true friend.

> > Then, there have been a few people in my life that were so close as friends

> > we were family to each other. There never seems to be an in between on that

> > topic in my life.

> >

> > My younger years were spent holding onto anyone who was nice to me and

> > calling them friend. How dangerous a game that was to play...

> > As I got older I fell into the trap of trying to be everyone's best friend,

> > trying to help everyone who needed it (except me) and finding myself the one

> > suffering the most.

> > As a young adult in my mid 20's I developed an " I don't give a damn "

> > attitude that applied to everyone except my children. That took me the

> > farthest in my healing process, although it was not without its flaws.

> > Now I am a couple of weeks before turning 41 and feel very isolated. My

> > level of trust outside of my husband and children is very low and damaged.

> > My relationship with my 1/2 brother has suffered over the past yr or so

> > because of nada and her pushing about how she doesn't like him and how I

> > can't trust him, he's nothing but trouble. I know my brother, while not

> > perfect, loves me dearly. He is my only remaining contact/tie to anyone on

> > my father's side of the family, also something nada hates about him. She

> > doesn't allow me to get close to anyone but my husband and children before

> > her panic buttons go off. As a kid I can remember her chasing people away

> > from me with her abusive and outrageous behaviors. Boyfriends were just guys

> > who used me until they found out they couldn't get into my pants... my nada

> > just would not allow anyone to get too close. My first boyfriend when I was

> > 12 came to " dinner " , nada offered to make pizza and insisted if I had a

> > boyfriend she had to meet him. He showed up, sat through about 20 minutes of

> > my naked baby pictures, and then left... never got around to eating

> > anything. He ran for the door mumbling excuses about how he forgot he had to

> > be home as he shot out the door and never looked back. Of course, that made

> > him a bad person, not a proper boyfriend, so he was to be forgotten per

> > nada's instructions.

> > The first time I had a boy hold my hand, he was walking me home after our

> > time together. We were 2 blocks from my house and I was about 4 minutes

> > late... here comes nada in the car, tires squealing as she pulled over,

> > jumped out of the car, door still open, and literally dragged me to the car

> > by the hair. Of course, not knowing what to do, he ran. The screaming coming

> > from her could be heard blocks away.

> >

> > We get into a patten having grown up the way we did with the BPD parent,

> > and whether we continue contact or not with that parent, the BPD haunts

> > every aspect of our lives. I have found we can heal to a point, we can

> > forgive, but we can never seem to forget. I pray every day for the ability

> > to forget, it just never happens. The tiniest of things can set me off in a

> > downward spiral, no warning and no sense in any of it... but it happens. We

> > all tend to lead sheltered lives I see. That does not surprise me, just

> > makes me sad that there are so many of us out here. No child, no human

> > being, should have to suffer the abuse we have suffered. While putting a

> > clinical name to it does help in the healing process, helps with some of the

> > separation between us and our parent(s), it does not make all of our life's

> > horrors fizzle and go away, does not resolve our insecurities.

> >

> > My opinion of friends... isn't that what we have all found here in the

> > group? Real friends who understand and want to help when we need it...

> > people who are willing to hold our hand when things are rough instead of

> > running out the door, and still around to share the good stuff with, too.

> > Isn't that what a friend is? I think our problem of friendship has been

> > somewhat resolved by joining this group, has it not? I am finding a

> > wonderful new beginning here, learning all over again what it takes to

> > qualify as a friend and how to recognize one when someone comes along. It

> > may not be an easy road, but it is a beginning, and a beginning is something

> > we all need. We need to learn to crawl before we walk, no matter what our

> > age.

> >

> > I would like to hold out my hand to everyone here and open myself up to

> > real friends... please, walk into my life, pull up a chair, and stay a

> > while. We have a lot of good times ahead of us all, and we are all here to

> > share them together!

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

May it be so! Agreed, Annie; the internet has been a life-saver for so many of

us, as it has given us access to others that share our interests, and that we

would otherwise not be able to find in our local communities.

~ Alastriona ~

Subject: Re: Forming Healthy Friendships... Is it hard for

others too?

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Thursday, December 30, 2010, 10:29 AM

I grew up hearing my nada call me " weird " and " creepy " because I just happened

to not like girly-girl things and activities like she did. I was supposed to be

exactly like her, and even though I was enmeshed with her and desperate to

please her, I am an individual person and have tastes and preferences of my own.

Like you I pretty consistently throughout my life have had only one or two close

friends at a time and not a whole gaggle of friends, but over the last 10 years

or so that is changing. I have discovered interest groups, I have found that I

like belonging to various in-person meet-up groups and having a wider circle of

friends. Not all of them are really close, but that's OK. In late middle age I

am becoming more sociable than I ever was as a young person, and I like it! So,

change is possible. I hope each of us finds a path to the joyful adult life

that is our birthright.

-Annie

>

> >

> >

> > Once again we are all so much alike it amazes me still when I read all of

> > these posts, it sounds like someone has gotten into my head and simply put

> > to words what is there.

> > Friendships... most of my life " friends " just didn't exist. There were many

> > acquaintances, just nobody I could ever see to be a real and true friend.

> > Then, there have been a few people in my life that were so close as friends

> > we were family to each other. There never seems to be an in between on that

> > topic in my life.

> >

> > My younger years were spent holding onto anyone who was nice to me and

> > calling them friend. How dangerous a game that was to play...

> > As I got older I fell into the trap of trying to be everyone's best friend,

> > trying to help everyone who needed it (except me) and finding myself the one

> > suffering the most.

> > As a young adult in my mid 20's I developed an " I don't give a damn "

> > attitude that applied to everyone except my children. That took me the

> > farthest in my healing process, although it was not without its flaws.

> > Now I am a couple of weeks before turning 41 and feel very isolated. My

> > level of trust outside of my husband and children is very low and damaged.

> > My relationship with my 1/2 brother has suffered over the past yr or so

> > because of nada and her pushing about how she doesn't like him and how I

> > can't trust him, he's nothing but trouble. I know my brother, while not

> > perfect, loves me dearly. He is my only remaining contact/tie to anyone on

> > my father's side of the family, also something nada hates about him. She

> > doesn't allow me to get close to anyone but my husband and children before

> > her panic buttons go off. As a kid I can remember her chasing people away

> > from me with her abusive and outrageous behaviors. Boyfriends were just guys

> > who used me until they found out they couldn't get into my pants... my nada

> > just would not allow anyone to get too close. My first boyfriend when I was

> > 12 came to " dinner " , nada offered to make pizza and insisted if I had a

> > boyfriend she had to meet him. He showed up, sat through about 20 minutes of

> > my naked baby pictures, and then left... never got around to eating

> > anything. He ran for the door mumbling excuses about how he forgot he had to

> > be home as he shot out the door and never looked back. Of course, that made

> > him a bad person, not a proper boyfriend, so he was to be forgotten per

> > nada's instructions.

> > The first time I had a boy hold my hand, he was walking me home after our

> > time together. We were 2 blocks from my house and I was about 4 minutes

> > late... here comes nada in the car, tires squealing as she pulled over,

> > jumped out of the car, door still open, and literally dragged me to the car

> > by the hair. Of course, not knowing what to do, he ran. The screaming coming

> > from her could be heard blocks away.

> >

> > We get into a patten having grown up the way we did with the BPD parent,

> > and whether we continue contact or not with that parent, the BPD haunts

> > every aspect of our lives. I have found we can heal to a point, we can

> > forgive, but we can never seem to forget. I pray every day for the ability

> > to forget, it just never happens. The tiniest of things can set me off in a

> > downward spiral, no warning and no sense in any of it... but it happens. We

> > all tend to lead sheltered lives I see. That does not surprise me, just

> > makes me sad that there are so many of us out here. No child, no human

> > being, should have to suffer the abuse we have suffered. While putting a

> > clinical name to it does help in the healing process, helps with some of the

> > separation between us and our parent(s), it does not make all of our life's

> > horrors fizzle and go away, does not resolve our insecurities.

> >

> > My opinion of friends... isn't that what we have all found here in the

> > group? Real friends who understand and want to help when we need it...

> > people who are willing to hold our hand when things are rough instead of

> > running out the door, and still around to share the good stuff with, too.

> > Isn't that what a friend is? I think our problem of friendship has been

> > somewhat resolved by joining this group, has it not? I am finding a

> > wonderful new beginning here, learning all over again what it takes to

> > qualify as a friend and how to recognize one when someone comes along. It

> > may not be an easy road, but it is a beginning, and a beginning is something

> > we all need. We need to learn to crawl before we walk, no matter what our

> > age.

> >

> > I would like to hold out my hand to everyone here and open myself up to

> > real friends... please, walk into my life, pull up a chair, and stay a

> > while. We have a lot of good times ahead of us all, and we are all here to

> > share them together!

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>