Re: I totally screwed up!!!

[Guest guest]

Don't beat yourself up. The big difference between you and them is that you

recognize the behavior and are working to change it. I struggle with that ALL

the time. It's the thing I hate most about this whole situation...the fact that

sometimes I act like my BPD mother. Ugh. But then I remind myself that I am

aware of my behavior and that sets me miles ahead of her. I recognize and

strive to change it. You can't beat yourself up over it. You have a huge

amount of stress in your life right now. You're allowed to not be perfect all

the time Hang in there!!

________________________________

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of coalminersdotter

Sent: Thursday, December 30, 2010 11:56 AM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: I totally screwed up!!!

I totally screwed up this time. I don't even want to tell you what I did. I just

acted EXACTLY like nada. But I need to talk to someone right now and can't even

speak about it out loud because the FOO is here now in the living room

playacting like everything is fine. Like always. I'm upset (as a teen I was

suicidal) with them in the other room pretending like they're just nice, normal

folks.

Just a little trigger set me off and I vomited words all over my 8 year-old that

he should never have heard. The fada and step-nada offered to watch little Sam

so I could shower and run to the cell phone store. As soon as I got out of the

shower, Sam ran in the room to me and the FOO took off to get lunch. Left for an

hour and made me have to cancel the cell appointment.

It wasn't that big of a deal, tiny issue in light of family history, but I just

lost control emotionally. Sam is almost 2 and difficult after the hospital. He

was hitting and biting me on the legs. I spanked his hand and sat him in

time out. But he is pretty wild from the steroid medication and didn't settle

down. I said the " f " word about 3 times in various derivations when he busted my

lip with his forehead. (You know how little kids throw their head back when

you're holding them? I had stopped trying to get ready and was just holding him

to comfort and settle things down.) was upset and critical of me saying a

bad word, of course.

At that moment, I just let it spill. I said that Grandma and Grandpa wanted to

leave because they don't like watching Ben. I even said they only come to visit

twice a year because they are selfish. started crying, naturally, so I

realized I was being selfish and immature myself. I then attempted to explain

that they love him and care for him and that he is a good little boy. He asked

why our family is messed up and none of his grandparents visit him very much. I

told him that I can't control what they do, but that we are doing the right

thing now and I will help him when he grows up and visit as much as he wants.

I said other things and worse before I stopped myself. I feel so guilty, sorry

and stupid. I can't believe I just hurt my little boy for no reason. He has been

upset since they came back to the house because they won't let him open

Christmas presents. He was telling me it seems like they keep coming up with

ideas to keep him from getting to open the toys. It's like this secret little

society he's trying to create with me. I think he may be reacting this way out

of fear and confusion. I feel horrible and mean inside like my own mother. I

can't change this or take it back.

I was doing so well for so long - kind of pretending like everything is okay. I

feel that little kids should be able to believe in Santa Claus and grandparents

(even if they're not that nice). I kind of feel like I just told him Santa isn't

real. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for putting him through this. I

should have protected him, not exposed him to the same emotional pain I have

suffered.

I am so terribly sorry. As a human being, there is only so much I can take. I

guess after the hospital stress and finding out our insurance isn't covering it,

having the FOO in my face was just too much. I don't know what to do now. How to

help him. How to get over my own problems. I know I need counseling; honestly, I

don't know how we can afford it with the thousands in medical bills now.

Hoping and Praying,

+Coal Miner's Daughter

[Guest guest]

Don't beat yourself up. The big difference between you and them is that you

recognize the behavior and are working to change it. I struggle with that ALL

the time. It's the thing I hate most about this whole situation...the fact that

sometimes I act like my BPD mother. Ugh. But then I remind myself that I am

aware of my behavior and that sets me miles ahead of her. I recognize and

strive to change it. You can't beat yourself up over it. You have a huge

amount of stress in your life right now. You're allowed to not be perfect all

the time Hang in there!!

________________________________

From: WTOAdultChildren1

[mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ] On Behalf Of coalminersdotter

Sent: Thursday, December 30, 2010 11:56 AM

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Subject: I totally screwed up!!!

I totally screwed up this time. I don't even want to tell you what I did. I just

acted EXACTLY like nada. But I need to talk to someone right now and can't even

speak about it out loud because the FOO is here now in the living room

playacting like everything is fine. Like always. I'm upset (as a teen I was

suicidal) with them in the other room pretending like they're just nice, normal

folks.

Just a little trigger set me off and I vomited words all over my 8 year-old that

he should never have heard. The fada and step-nada offered to watch little Sam

so I could shower and run to the cell phone store. As soon as I got out of the

shower, Sam ran in the room to me and the FOO took off to get lunch. Left for an

hour and made me have to cancel the cell appointment.

It wasn't that big of a deal, tiny issue in light of family history, but I just

lost control emotionally. Sam is almost 2 and difficult after the hospital. He

was hitting and biting me on the legs. I spanked his hand and sat him in

time out. But he is pretty wild from the steroid medication and didn't settle

down. I said the " f " word about 3 times in various derivations when he busted my

lip with his forehead. (You know how little kids throw their head back when

you're holding them? I had stopped trying to get ready and was just holding him

to comfort and settle things down.) was upset and critical of me saying a

bad word, of course.

At that moment, I just let it spill. I said that Grandma and Grandpa wanted to

leave because they don't like watching Ben. I even said they only come to visit

twice a year because they are selfish. started crying, naturally, so I

realized I was being selfish and immature myself. I then attempted to explain

that they love him and care for him and that he is a good little boy. He asked

why our family is messed up and none of his grandparents visit him very much. I

told him that I can't control what they do, but that we are doing the right

thing now and I will help him when he grows up and visit as much as he wants.

I said other things and worse before I stopped myself. I feel so guilty, sorry

and stupid. I can't believe I just hurt my little boy for no reason. He has been

upset since they came back to the house because they won't let him open

Christmas presents. He was telling me it seems like they keep coming up with

ideas to keep him from getting to open the toys. It's like this secret little

society he's trying to create with me. I think he may be reacting this way out

of fear and confusion. I feel horrible and mean inside like my own mother. I

can't change this or take it back.

I was doing so well for so long - kind of pretending like everything is okay. I

feel that little kids should be able to believe in Santa Claus and grandparents

(even if they're not that nice). I kind of feel like I just told him Santa isn't

real. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for putting him through this. I

should have protected him, not exposed him to the same emotional pain I have

suffered.

I am so terribly sorry. As a human being, there is only so much I can take. I

guess after the hospital stress and finding out our insurance isn't covering it,

having the FOO in my face was just too much. I don't know what to do now. How to

help him. How to get over my own problems. I know I need counseling; honestly, I

don't know how we can afford it with the thousands in medical bills now.

Hoping and Praying,

+Coal Miner's Daughter

[Guest guest]

(((((((CMD)))))))

I think you need to be gentle with yourself. You have just undergone an

extremely stressful incident with your two small children being hospitalized,

and instead of being able to relax and have a time out for yourself in order to

decompress and regain your balance and equanimity, your foo shows up and adds to

your stress. Plus, your children are still recuperating and need your attention

and care-giving that I'm guessing is different and more intensive than they

usually need when they're physically healthy. And then on top of that, you find

out just how much the hospitalization is going to cost, which is upsetting.

Sometimes even just asking for help is hard in and of itself, and then to ask

your parents for help and have them just walk off after promising to help you

!!? Well, that would really hurt *my* feelings a lot, I can tell you.

So, you've been taking one hit after another in the stress department, for days.

I can handle one or two stressors at a time, but when multiple stressors come at

me from different directions, that overloads my coping ability and I break down.

I think feeling overwhelmed is normal under such circumstances, but you are now

distressed over how you dealt with feeling overwhelmed.

Although it was your parents who let you down by leaving just when you were

counting on them to babysit, instead of addressing them directly about letting

you down, you let loose in a way that upset your child/children and now you feel

bad and guilty about that.

I think this a good thing to bring to your psychologist for his or her input;

various coping techniques will probably be suggested for you to try, and ways

for you to be more aware of when you're reaching your coping limit.

Children are resilient and forgiving, so if this happens rarely it won't do him

any harm. But if you're starting to notice a pattern of behavior in yourself,

if you have gotten into the habit of releasing your frustration and tension by

yelling at (or around) the kids and upsetting them, then, I suggest that that's

something to look into more closely.

Nobody is perfect, but what counts is that we KOs care about the feelings of our

loved ones, and because we care we try to do the best we can, apologize when we

screw up, and figure out how to do better the next time. That's all any human

being can do.

So, again, cut yourself some slack. You've been through the wringer.

I hope that helps.

-Annie

>

> I totally screwed up this time. I don't even want to tell you what I did. I

just acted EXACTLY like nada. But I need to talk to someone right now and can't

even speak about it out loud because the FOO is here now in the living room

playacting like everything is fine. Like always. I'm upset (as a teen I was

suicidal) with them in the other room pretending like they're just nice, normal

folks.

>

> Just a little trigger set me off and I vomited words all over my 8 year-old

that he should never have heard. The fada and step-nada offered to watch little

Sam so I could shower and run to the cell phone store. As soon as I got out of

the shower, Sam ran in the room to me and the FOO took off to get lunch. Left

for an hour and made me have to cancel the cell appointment.

>

> It wasn't that big of a deal, tiny issue in light of family history, but I

just lost control emotionally. Sam is almost 2 and difficult after the

hospital. He was hitting and biting me on the legs. I spanked his hand

and sat him in time out. But he is pretty wild from the steroid medication and

didn't settle down. I said the " f " word about 3 times in various derivations

when he busted my lip with his forehead. (You know how little kids throw their

head back when you're holding them? I had stopped trying to get ready and was

just holding him to comfort and settle things down.) was upset and

critical of me saying a bad word, of course.

>

> At that moment, I just let it spill. I said that Grandma and Grandpa wanted

to leave because they don't like watching Ben. I even said they only come to

visit twice a year because they are selfish. started crying, naturally, so

I realized I was being selfish and immature myself. I then attempted to explain

that they love him and care for him and that he is a good little boy. He asked

why our family is messed up and none of his grandparents visit him very much. I

told him that I can't control what they do, but that we are doing the right

thing now and I will help him when he grows up and visit as much as he wants.

>

> I said other things and worse before I stopped myself. I feel so guilty,

sorry and stupid. I can't believe I just hurt my little boy for no reason. He

has been upset since they came back to the house because they won't let him open

Christmas presents. He was telling me it seems like they keep coming up with

ideas to keep him from getting to open the toys. It's like this secret little

society he's trying to create with me. I think he may be reacting this way out

of fear and confusion. I feel horrible and mean inside like my own mother. I

can't change this or take it back.

>

> I was doing so well for so long - kind of pretending like everything is okay.

I feel that little kids should be able to believe in Santa Claus and

grandparents (even if they're not that nice). I kind of feel like I just told

him Santa isn't real. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for putting him

through this. I should have protected him, not exposed him to the same

emotional pain I have suffered.

>

> I am so terribly sorry. As a human being, there is only so much I can take.

I guess after the hospital stress and finding out our insurance isn't covering

it, having the FOO in my face was just too much. I don't know what to do now.

How to help him. How to get over my own problems. I know I need counseling;

honestly, I don't know how we can afford it with the thousands in medical bills

now.

>

> Hoping and Praying,

> +Coal Miner's Daughter

>

[Guest guest]

(((((CMD)))))) It sounds to me like you need a hug,so there you go.

It also sounds like all the stress you've been going through recently has

caught up with you.Finding out that you have thousands due in medical bills that

your insurance isn't going to cover is enormously stressful.And it sounds like

having your FOO there,and having them piss off for lunch when really you needed

them to be around so you could get that one simple thing done (going to the cell

phone store) is just the last drop that made the pitcher spill over.

It sounds like you've kind of been on automatic pilot and you just can't

keep it up,understandably.

Let know again that none of it is his fault--and put your foot down

with the FOO about him being able to open his Christmas presents.I don't get

that,either---why haven't they let him open his presents????

I don't have any answers for you really,just that I know you don't want it

to be like this and you're hurting and I'm sorry.I know you love your boys.

It's not right that a mother would have to forego needed counseling after

her children had a medical crisis.I don't want to get too political,but that

kind of denial of care is wrong and on a social level it's immoral.

You've just had more stress than you can take and you didn't realize it

until it hit you.We can't always foresee our own limits.Right now you're in the

thick of that stress but it isn't going to go on indefinitely and you will find

your equilibrium again.

You will find a way to make it better again for your kids.I'm sorry

you're having such a tough time right now,I know you don't want it to be like

this.

((((((((HUGS))))))))

--

>

> I totally screwed up this time. I don't even want to tell you what I did. I

just acted EXACTLY like nada. But I need to talk to someone right now and can't

even speak about it out loud because the FOO is here now in the living room

playacting like everything is fine. Like always. I'm upset (as a teen I was

suicidal) with them in the other room pretending like they're just nice, normal

folks.

>

> Just a little trigger set me off and I vomited words all over my 8 year-old

that he should never have heard. The fada and step-nada offered to watch little

Sam so I could shower and run to the cell phone store. As soon as I got out of

the shower, Sam ran in the room to me and the FOO took off to get lunch. Left

for an hour and made me have to cancel the cell appointment.

>

> It wasn't that big of a deal, tiny issue in light of family history, but I

just lost control emotionally. Sam is almost 2 and difficult after the

hospital. He was hitting and biting me on the legs. I spanked his hand

and sat him in time out. But he is pretty wild from the steroid medication and

didn't settle down. I said the " f " word about 3 times in various derivations

when he busted my lip with his forehead. (You know how little kids throw their

head back when you're holding them? I had stopped trying to get ready and was

just holding him to comfort and settle things down.) was upset and

critical of me saying a bad word, of course.

>

> At that moment, I just let it spill. I said that Grandma and Grandpa wanted

to leave because they don't like watching Ben. I even said they only come to

visit twice a year because they are selfish. started crying, naturally, so

I realized I was being selfish and immature myself. I then attempted to explain

that they love him and care for him and that he is a good little boy. He asked

why our family is messed up and none of his grandparents visit him very much. I

told him that I can't control what they do, but that we are doing the right

thing now and I will help him when he grows up and visit as much as he wants.

>

> I said other things and worse before I stopped myself. I feel so guilty,

sorry and stupid. I can't believe I just hurt my little boy for no reason. He

has been upset since they came back to the house because they won't let him open

Christmas presents. He was telling me it seems like they keep coming up with

ideas to keep him from getting to open the toys. It's like this secret little

society he's trying to create with me. I think he may be reacting this way out

of fear and confusion. I feel horrible and mean inside like my own mother. I

can't change this or take it back.

>

> I was doing so well for so long - kind of pretending like everything is okay.

I feel that little kids should be able to believe in Santa Claus and

grandparents (even if they're not that nice). I kind of feel like I just told

him Santa isn't real. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for putting him

through this. I should have protected him, not exposed him to the same

emotional pain I have suffered.

>

> I am so terribly sorry. As a human being, there is only so much I can take.

I guess after the hospital stress and finding out our insurance isn't covering

it, having the FOO in my face was just too much. I don't know what to do now.

How to help him. How to get over my own problems. I know I need counseling;

honestly, I don't know how we can afford it with the thousands in medical bills

now.

>

> Hoping and Praying,

> +Coal Miner's Daughter

>

[Guest guest]

Oh sweetie - it was a slip. You caught yourself. He is resilient. I think

you might need to do some self-care though.

I have had similar slips too, but people can tell when its a mistake or a

lifelong behavior pattern. Yours is just a mistake. You said you were sorry

- and I bet he forgives you. have you asked him to forgive you? I was just

reading a book by a therapist who made a mistake with a child and asked for

forgiveness and recieved it.

PS They are assholes if they make a little kid wait to open his presents for

that long!

On Thu, Dec 30, 2010 at 2:38 PM, christine.depizan <

christine.depizan@...> wrote:

>

>

> (((((CMD)))))) It sounds to me like you need a hug,so there you go.

>

> It also sounds like all the stress you've been going through recently has

> caught up with you.Finding out that you have thousands due in medical bills

> that your insurance isn't going to cover is enormously stressful.And it

> sounds like having your FOO there,and having them piss off for lunch when

> really you needed them to be around so you could get that one simple thing

> done (going to the cell phone store) is just the last drop that made the

> pitcher spill over.

>

> It sounds like you've kind of been on automatic pilot and you just can't

> keep it up,understandably.

>

> Let know again that none of it is his fault--and put your foot down

> with the FOO about him being able to open his Christmas presents.I don't get

> that,either---why haven't they let him open his presents????

>

> I don't have any answers for you really,just that I know you don't want it

> to be like this and you're hurting and I'm sorry.I know you love your boys.

>

> It's not right that a mother would have to forego needed counseling after

> her children had a medical crisis.I don't want to get too political,but that

> kind of denial of care is wrong and on a social level it's immoral.

>

> You've just had more stress than you can take and you didn't realize it

> until it hit you.We can't always foresee our own limits.Right now you're in

> the thick of that stress but it isn't going to go on indefinitely and you

> will find your equilibrium again.

>

> You will find a way to make it better again for your kids.I'm sorry you're

> having such a tough time right now,I know you don't want it to be like this.

>

> ((((((((HUGS))))))))

>

> --

>

>

>

> >

> > I totally screwed up this time. I don't even want to tell you what I did.

> I just acted EXACTLY like nada. But I need to talk to someone right now and

> can't even speak about it out loud because the FOO is here now in the living

> room playacting like everything is fine. Like always. I'm upset (as a teen I

> was suicidal) with them in the other room pretending like they're just nice,

> normal folks.

> >

> > Just a little trigger set me off and I vomited words all over my 8

> year-old that he should never have heard. The fada and step-nada offered to

> watch little Sam so I could shower and run to the cell phone store. As soon

> as I got out of the shower, Sam ran in the room to me and the FOO took off

> to get lunch. Left for an hour and made me have to cancel the cell

> appointment.

> >

> > It wasn't that big of a deal, tiny issue in light of family history, but

> I just lost control emotionally. Sam is almost 2 and difficult after the

> hospital. He was hitting and biting me on the legs. I spanked his hand

> and sat him in time out. But he is pretty wild from the steroid medication

> and didn't settle down. I said the " f " word about 3 times in various

> derivations when he busted my lip with his forehead. (You know how little

> kids throw their head back when you're holding them? I had stopped trying to

> get ready and was just holding him to comfort and settle things down.)

> was upset and critical of me saying a bad word, of course.

> >

> > At that moment, I just let it spill. I said that Grandma and Grandpa

> wanted to leave because they don't like watching Ben. I even said they only

> come to visit twice a year because they are selfish. started crying,

> naturally, so I realized I was being selfish and immature myself. I then

> attempted to explain that they love him and care for him and that he is a

> good little boy. He asked why our family is messed up and none of his

> grandparents visit him very much. I told him that I can't control what they

> do, but that we are doing the right thing now and I will help him when he

> grows up and visit as much as he wants.

> >

> > I said other things and worse before I stopped myself. I feel so guilty,

> sorry and stupid. I can't believe I just hurt my little boy for no reason.

> He has been upset since they came back to the house because they won't let

> him open Christmas presents. He was telling me it seems like they keep

> coming up with ideas to keep him from getting to open the toys. It's like

> this secret little society he's trying to create with me. I think he may be

> reacting this way out of fear and confusion. I feel horrible and mean inside

> like my own mother. I can't change this or take it back.

> >

> > I was doing so well for so long - kind of pretending like everything is

> okay. I feel that little kids should be able to believe in Santa Claus and

> grandparents (even if they're not that nice). I kind of feel like I just

> told him Santa isn't real. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for

> putting him through this. I should have protected him, not exposed him to

> the same emotional pain I have suffered.

> >

> > I am so terribly sorry. As a human being, there is only so much I can

> take. I guess after the hospital stress and finding out our insurance isn't

> covering it, having the FOO in my face was just too much. I don't know what

> to do now. How to help him. How to get over my own problems. I know I need

> counseling; honestly, I don't know how we can afford it with the thousands

> in medical bills now.

> >

> > Hoping and Praying,

> > +Coal Miner's Daughter

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh sweetie - it was a slip. You caught yourself. He is resilient. I think

you might need to do some self-care though.

I have had similar slips too, but people can tell when its a mistake or a

lifelong behavior pattern. Yours is just a mistake. You said you were sorry

- and I bet he forgives you. have you asked him to forgive you? I was just

reading a book by a therapist who made a mistake with a child and asked for

forgiveness and recieved it.

PS They are assholes if they make a little kid wait to open his presents for

that long!

On Thu, Dec 30, 2010 at 2:38 PM, christine.depizan <

christine.depizan@...> wrote:

>

>

> (((((CMD)))))) It sounds to me like you need a hug,so there you go.

>

> It also sounds like all the stress you've been going through recently has

> caught up with you.Finding out that you have thousands due in medical bills

> that your insurance isn't going to cover is enormously stressful.And it

> sounds like having your FOO there,and having them piss off for lunch when

> really you needed them to be around so you could get that one simple thing

> done (going to the cell phone store) is just the last drop that made the

> pitcher spill over.

>

> It sounds like you've kind of been on automatic pilot and you just can't

> keep it up,understandably.

>

> Let know again that none of it is his fault--and put your foot down

> with the FOO about him being able to open his Christmas presents.I don't get

> that,either---why haven't they let him open his presents????

>

> I don't have any answers for you really,just that I know you don't want it

> to be like this and you're hurting and I'm sorry.I know you love your boys.

>

> It's not right that a mother would have to forego needed counseling after

> her children had a medical crisis.I don't want to get too political,but that

> kind of denial of care is wrong and on a social level it's immoral.

>

> You've just had more stress than you can take and you didn't realize it

> until it hit you.We can't always foresee our own limits.Right now you're in

> the thick of that stress but it isn't going to go on indefinitely and you

> will find your equilibrium again.

>

> You will find a way to make it better again for your kids.I'm sorry you're

> having such a tough time right now,I know you don't want it to be like this.

>

> ((((((((HUGS))))))))

>

> --

>

>

>

> >

> > I totally screwed up this time. I don't even want to tell you what I did.

> I just acted EXACTLY like nada. But I need to talk to someone right now and

> can't even speak about it out loud because the FOO is here now in the living

> room playacting like everything is fine. Like always. I'm upset (as a teen I

> was suicidal) with them in the other room pretending like they're just nice,

> normal folks.

> >

> > Just a little trigger set me off and I vomited words all over my 8

> year-old that he should never have heard. The fada and step-nada offered to

> watch little Sam so I could shower and run to the cell phone store. As soon

> as I got out of the shower, Sam ran in the room to me and the FOO took off

> to get lunch. Left for an hour and made me have to cancel the cell

> appointment.

> >

> > It wasn't that big of a deal, tiny issue in light of family history, but

> I just lost control emotionally. Sam is almost 2 and difficult after the

> hospital. He was hitting and biting me on the legs. I spanked his hand

> and sat him in time out. But he is pretty wild from the steroid medication

> and didn't settle down. I said the " f " word about 3 times in various

> derivations when he busted my lip with his forehead. (You know how little

> kids throw their head back when you're holding them? I had stopped trying to

> get ready and was just holding him to comfort and settle things down.)

> was upset and critical of me saying a bad word, of course.

> >

> > At that moment, I just let it spill. I said that Grandma and Grandpa

> wanted to leave because they don't like watching Ben. I even said they only

> come to visit twice a year because they are selfish. started crying,

> naturally, so I realized I was being selfish and immature myself. I then

> attempted to explain that they love him and care for him and that he is a

> good little boy. He asked why our family is messed up and none of his

> grandparents visit him very much. I told him that I can't control what they

> do, but that we are doing the right thing now and I will help him when he

> grows up and visit as much as he wants.

> >

> > I said other things and worse before I stopped myself. I feel so guilty,

> sorry and stupid. I can't believe I just hurt my little boy for no reason.

> He has been upset since they came back to the house because they won't let

> him open Christmas presents. He was telling me it seems like they keep

> coming up with ideas to keep him from getting to open the toys. It's like

> this secret little society he's trying to create with me. I think he may be

> reacting this way out of fear and confusion. I feel horrible and mean inside

> like my own mother. I can't change this or take it back.

> >

> > I was doing so well for so long - kind of pretending like everything is

> okay. I feel that little kids should be able to believe in Santa Claus and

> grandparents (even if they're not that nice). I kind of feel like I just

> told him Santa isn't real. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for

> putting him through this. I should have protected him, not exposed him to

> the same emotional pain I have suffered.

> >

> > I am so terribly sorry. As a human being, there is only so much I can

> take. I guess after the hospital stress and finding out our insurance isn't

> covering it, having the FOO in my face was just too much. I don't know what

> to do now. How to help him. How to get over my own problems. I know I need

> counseling; honestly, I don't know how we can afford it with the thousands

> in medical bills now.

> >

> > Hoping and Praying,

> > +Coal Miner's Daughter

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

You are a very good mother who is also human. You are NOT BPD. Big, big, big

difference.

I'm the best mom I know, and I've done the same thing. I'm ashamed to admit it

as well, but it has happened.

Apologize. Explain how mommy's behavior wasn't acceptable. And let him know

you will do whatever it takes to make sure that doesn't happen again. Let him

know you love him. Ask him how he felt/feels, and affirm his feelings. Ask:

" Do you forgive me? " Give him a hug, and see if you can sit quietly w/ him for

a minute watching tv or something. Reconnect somehow.

And then forgive yourself. You've been under an inhuman amount of stress

lately, and you've done it in the midst of FOO.

Think about it: If nada had gone off once, apologized, owned it, asked for your

forgiveness, and then went back to being a wonderful, caring mom? You wouldn't

be on this board, hon!! Your son will learn a great deal from you 'fessing up

and apologizing and making amends. And he won't be forever damaged! He will

move on in good health.

Grace to you, my friend.

Blessings,

Karla

p.s. I shouldn't beat a dead horse, but for cryin' in the rain. Your FOO

couldn't give you a break for even a MINUTE? No wonder your last nerve just

snapped!!!

>

> I totally screwed up this time. I don't even want to tell you what I did. I

just acted EXACTLY like nada. But I need to talk to someone right now and can't

even speak about it out loud because the FOO is here now in the living room

playacting like everything is fine. Like always. I'm upset (as a teen I was

suicidal) with them in the other room pretending like they're just nice, normal

folks.

>

> Just a little trigger set me off and I vomited words all over my 8 year-old

that he should never have heard. The fada and step-nada offered to watch little

Sam so I could shower and run to the cell phone store. As soon as I got out of

the shower, Sam ran in the room to me and the FOO took off to get lunch. Left

for an hour and made me have to cancel the cell appointment.

>

> It wasn't that big of a deal, tiny issue in light of family history, but I

just lost control emotionally. Sam is almost 2 and difficult after the

hospital. He was hitting and biting me on the legs. I spanked his hand

and sat him in time out. But he is pretty wild from the steroid medication and

didn't settle down. I said the " f " word about 3 times in various derivations

when he busted my lip with his forehead. (You know how little kids throw their

head back when you're holding them? I had stopped trying to get ready and was

just holding him to comfort and settle things down.) was upset and

critical of me saying a bad word, of course.

>

> At that moment, I just let it spill. I said that Grandma and Grandpa wanted

to leave because they don't like watching Ben. I even said they only come to

visit twice a year because they are selfish. started crying, naturally, so

I realized I was being selfish and immature myself. I then attempted to explain

that they love him and care for him and that he is a good little boy. He asked

why our family is messed up and none of his grandparents visit him very much. I

told him that I can't control what they do, but that we are doing the right

thing now and I will help him when he grows up and visit as much as he wants.

>

> I said other things and worse before I stopped myself. I feel so guilty,

sorry and stupid. I can't believe I just hurt my little boy for no reason. He

has been upset since they came back to the house because they won't let him open

Christmas presents. He was telling me it seems like they keep coming up with

ideas to keep him from getting to open the toys. It's like this secret little

society he's trying to create with me. I think he may be reacting this way out

of fear and confusion. I feel horrible and mean inside like my own mother. I

can't change this or take it back.

>

> I was doing so well for so long - kind of pretending like everything is okay.

I feel that little kids should be able to believe in Santa Claus and

grandparents (even if they're not that nice). I kind of feel like I just told

him Santa isn't real. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for putting him

through this. I should have protected him, not exposed him to the same

emotional pain I have suffered.

>

> I am so terribly sorry. As a human being, there is only so much I can take.

I guess after the hospital stress and finding out our insurance isn't covering

it, having the FOO in my face was just too much. I don't know what to do now.

How to help him. How to get over my own problems. I know I need counseling;

honestly, I don't know how we can afford it with the thousands in medical bills

now.

>

> Hoping and Praying,

> +Coal Miner's Daughter

>

[Guest guest]

You are a very good mother who is also human. You are NOT BPD. Big, big, big

difference.

I'm the best mom I know, and I've done the same thing. I'm ashamed to admit it

as well, but it has happened.

Apologize. Explain how mommy's behavior wasn't acceptable. And let him know

you will do whatever it takes to make sure that doesn't happen again. Let him

know you love him. Ask him how he felt/feels, and affirm his feelings. Ask:

" Do you forgive me? " Give him a hug, and see if you can sit quietly w/ him for

a minute watching tv or something. Reconnect somehow.

And then forgive yourself. You've been under an inhuman amount of stress

lately, and you've done it in the midst of FOO.

Think about it: If nada had gone off once, apologized, owned it, asked for your

forgiveness, and then went back to being a wonderful, caring mom? You wouldn't

be on this board, hon!! Your son will learn a great deal from you 'fessing up

and apologizing and making amends. And he won't be forever damaged! He will

move on in good health.

Grace to you, my friend.

Blessings,

Karla

p.s. I shouldn't beat a dead horse, but for cryin' in the rain. Your FOO

couldn't give you a break for even a MINUTE? No wonder your last nerve just

snapped!!!

>

> I totally screwed up this time. I don't even want to tell you what I did. I

just acted EXACTLY like nada. But I need to talk to someone right now and can't

even speak about it out loud because the FOO is here now in the living room

playacting like everything is fine. Like always. I'm upset (as a teen I was

suicidal) with them in the other room pretending like they're just nice, normal

folks.

>

> Just a little trigger set me off and I vomited words all over my 8 year-old

that he should never have heard. The fada and step-nada offered to watch little

Sam so I could shower and run to the cell phone store. As soon as I got out of

the shower, Sam ran in the room to me and the FOO took off to get lunch. Left

for an hour and made me have to cancel the cell appointment.

>

> It wasn't that big of a deal, tiny issue in light of family history, but I

just lost control emotionally. Sam is almost 2 and difficult after the

hospital. He was hitting and biting me on the legs. I spanked his hand

and sat him in time out. But he is pretty wild from the steroid medication and

didn't settle down. I said the " f " word about 3 times in various derivations

when he busted my lip with his forehead. (You know how little kids throw their

head back when you're holding them? I had stopped trying to get ready and was

just holding him to comfort and settle things down.) was upset and

critical of me saying a bad word, of course.

>

> At that moment, I just let it spill. I said that Grandma and Grandpa wanted

to leave because they don't like watching Ben. I even said they only come to

visit twice a year because they are selfish. started crying, naturally, so

I realized I was being selfish and immature myself. I then attempted to explain

that they love him and care for him and that he is a good little boy. He asked

why our family is messed up and none of his grandparents visit him very much. I

told him that I can't control what they do, but that we are doing the right

thing now and I will help him when he grows up and visit as much as he wants.

>

> I said other things and worse before I stopped myself. I feel so guilty,

sorry and stupid. I can't believe I just hurt my little boy for no reason. He

has been upset since they came back to the house because they won't let him open

Christmas presents. He was telling me it seems like they keep coming up with

ideas to keep him from getting to open the toys. It's like this secret little

society he's trying to create with me. I think he may be reacting this way out

of fear and confusion. I feel horrible and mean inside like my own mother. I

can't change this or take it back.

>

> I was doing so well for so long - kind of pretending like everything is okay.

I feel that little kids should be able to believe in Santa Claus and

grandparents (even if they're not that nice). I kind of feel like I just told

him Santa isn't real. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for putting him

through this. I should have protected him, not exposed him to the same

emotional pain I have suffered.

>

> I am so terribly sorry. As a human being, there is only so much I can take.

I guess after the hospital stress and finding out our insurance isn't covering

it, having the FOO in my face was just too much. I don't know what to do now.

How to help him. How to get over my own problems. I know I need counseling;

honestly, I don't know how we can afford it with the thousands in medical bills

now.

>

> Hoping and Praying,

> +Coal Miner's Daughter

>

[Guest guest]

Take a big deep breath - and cut yourself some slack.

>

> I totally screwed up this time. I don't even want to tell you what I did. I

just acted EXACTLY like nada. But I need to talk to someone right now and can't

even speak about it out loud because the FOO is here now in the living room

playacting like everything is fine. Like always. I'm upset (as a teen I was

suicidal) with them in the other room pretending like they're just nice, normal

folks.

>

> Just a little trigger set me off and I vomited words all over my 8 year-old

that he should never have heard. The fada and step-nada offered to watch little

Sam so I could shower and run to the cell phone store. As soon as I got out of

the shower, Sam ran in the room to me and the FOO took off to get lunch. Left

for an hour and made me have to cancel the cell appointment.

>

> It wasn't that big of a deal, tiny issue in light of family history, but I

just lost control emotionally. Sam is almost 2 and difficult after the

hospital. He was hitting and biting me on the legs. I spanked his hand

and sat him in time out. But he is pretty wild from the steroid medication and

didn't settle down. I said the " f " word about 3 times in various derivations

when he busted my lip with his forehead. (You know how little kids throw their

head back when you're holding them? I had stopped trying to get ready and was

just holding him to comfort and settle things down.) was upset and

critical of me saying a bad word, of course.

>

> At that moment, I just let it spill. I said that Grandma and Grandpa wanted

to leave because they don't like watching Ben. I even said they only come to

visit twice a year because they are selfish. started crying, naturally, so

I realized I was being selfish and immature myself. I then attempted to explain

that they love him and care for him and that he is a good little boy. He asked

why our family is messed up and none of his grandparents visit him very much. I

told him that I can't control what they do, but that we are doing the right

thing now and I will help him when he grows up and visit as much as he wants.

>

> I said other things and worse before I stopped myself. I feel so guilty,

sorry and stupid. I can't believe I just hurt my little boy for no reason. He

has been upset since they came back to the house because they won't let him open

Christmas presents. He was telling me it seems like they keep coming up with

ideas to keep him from getting to open the toys. It's like this secret little

society he's trying to create with me. I think he may be reacting this way out

of fear and confusion. I feel horrible and mean inside like my own mother. I

can't change this or take it back.

>

> I was doing so well for so long - kind of pretending like everything is okay.

I feel that little kids should be able to believe in Santa Claus and

grandparents (even if they're not that nice). I kind of feel like I just told

him Santa isn't real. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for putting him

through this. I should have protected him, not exposed him to the same

emotional pain I have suffered.

>

> I am so terribly sorry. As a human being, there is only so much I can take.

I guess after the hospital stress and finding out our insurance isn't covering

it, having the FOO in my face was just too much. I don't know what to do now.

How to help him. How to get over my own problems. I know I need counseling;

honestly, I don't know how we can afford it with the thousands in medical bills

now.

>

> Hoping and Praying,

> +Coal Miner's Daughter

>

[Guest guest]

Take a big deep breath - and cut yourself some slack.

>

> I totally screwed up this time. I don't even want to tell you what I did. I

just acted EXACTLY like nada. But I need to talk to someone right now and can't

even speak about it out loud because the FOO is here now in the living room

playacting like everything is fine. Like always. I'm upset (as a teen I was

suicidal) with them in the other room pretending like they're just nice, normal

folks.

>

> Just a little trigger set me off and I vomited words all over my 8 year-old

that he should never have heard. The fada and step-nada offered to watch little

Sam so I could shower and run to the cell phone store. As soon as I got out of

the shower, Sam ran in the room to me and the FOO took off to get lunch. Left

for an hour and made me have to cancel the cell appointment.

>

> It wasn't that big of a deal, tiny issue in light of family history, but I

just lost control emotionally. Sam is almost 2 and difficult after the

hospital. He was hitting and biting me on the legs. I spanked his hand

and sat him in time out. But he is pretty wild from the steroid medication and

didn't settle down. I said the " f " word about 3 times in various derivations

when he busted my lip with his forehead. (You know how little kids throw their

head back when you're holding them? I had stopped trying to get ready and was

just holding him to comfort and settle things down.) was upset and

critical of me saying a bad word, of course.

>

> At that moment, I just let it spill. I said that Grandma and Grandpa wanted

to leave because they don't like watching Ben. I even said they only come to

visit twice a year because they are selfish. started crying, naturally, so

I realized I was being selfish and immature myself. I then attempted to explain

that they love him and care for him and that he is a good little boy. He asked

why our family is messed up and none of his grandparents visit him very much. I

told him that I can't control what they do, but that we are doing the right

thing now and I will help him when he grows up and visit as much as he wants.

>

> I said other things and worse before I stopped myself. I feel so guilty,

sorry and stupid. I can't believe I just hurt my little boy for no reason. He

has been upset since they came back to the house because they won't let him open

Christmas presents. He was telling me it seems like they keep coming up with

ideas to keep him from getting to open the toys. It's like this secret little

society he's trying to create with me. I think he may be reacting this way out

of fear and confusion. I feel horrible and mean inside like my own mother. I

can't change this or take it back.

>

> I was doing so well for so long - kind of pretending like everything is okay.

I feel that little kids should be able to believe in Santa Claus and

grandparents (even if they're not that nice). I kind of feel like I just told

him Santa isn't real. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for putting him

through this. I should have protected him, not exposed him to the same

emotional pain I have suffered.

>

> I am so terribly sorry. As a human being, there is only so much I can take.

I guess after the hospital stress and finding out our insurance isn't covering

it, having the FOO in my face was just too much. I don't know what to do now.

How to help him. How to get over my own problems. I know I need counseling;

honestly, I don't know how we can afford it with the thousands in medical bills

now.

>

> Hoping and Praying,

> +Coal Miner's Daughter

>

[Guest guest]

You are learning how to be a good mom and it is hard because you did not have a

good role model to teach you. I did many similar things but my three sons ages

25, 28 & 30 assure me over and over that it was not that bad, and that they turned

out okay, and that I was a good mom and you are too. The fact that you feel so

bad will help you to control the next trigger and do better the next time. One

time when my son was about 8 he told me that I was a better mommy than I used to

be and that he could tell I was trying. You are trying to. Hang in there,

raising children is the most difficult job in the world (though everyone on this

site might argue that dealing with a BPD might be the toughest job in the world)

I was always drained when my boys were small. Raising children leaves you tired

to the bone. Forgive yourself! Your children have already moved on. You move on

too, vow to do better and there's a good chance they won't remember and hold it

over your head. However my oldest is still angry because we let his little

brother knock down his block tower and never punished the little brother, and

that brother is still reminding me that we let his older brother plot to give

him to the garbage men. Do they remind of the few times I repeated the rages I'd

learned as a child, no. But watch out for those blocks!

Kay

>

> I totally screwed up this time. I don't even want to tell you what I did. I

just acted EXACTLY like nada. But I need to talk to someone right now and can't

even speak about it out loud because the FOO is here now in the living room

playacting like everything is fine. Like always. I'm upset (as a teen I was

suicidal) with them in the other room pretending like they're just nice, normal

folks.

>

> Just a little trigger set me off and I vomited words all over my 8 year-old

that he should never have heard. The fada and step-nada offered to watch little

Sam so I could shower and run to the cell phone store. As soon as I got out of

the shower, Sam ran in the room to me and the FOO took off to get lunch. Left

for an hour and made me have to cancel the cell appointment.

>

> It wasn't that big of a deal, tiny issue in light of family history, but I

just lost control emotionally. Sam is almost 2 and difficult after the

hospital. He was hitting and biting me on the legs. I spanked his hand

and sat him in time out. But he is pretty wild from the steroid medication and

didn't settle down. I said the " f " word about 3 times in various derivations

when he busted my lip with his forehead. (You know how little kids throw their

head back when you're holding them? I had stopped trying to get ready and was

just holding him to comfort and settle things down.) was upset and

critical of me saying a bad word, of course.

>

> At that moment, I just let it spill. I said that Grandma and Grandpa wanted

to leave because they don't like watching Ben. I even said they only come to

visit twice a year because they are selfish. started crying, naturally, so

I realized I was being selfish and immature myself. I then attempted to explain

that they love him and care for him and that he is a good little boy. He asked

why our family is messed up and none of his grandparents visit him very much. I

told him that I can't control what they do, but that we are doing the right

thing now and I will help him when he grows up and visit as much as he wants.

>

> I said other things and worse before I stopped myself. I feel so guilty,

sorry and stupid. I can't believe I just hurt my little boy for no reason. He

has been upset since they came back to the house because they won't let him open

Christmas presents. He was telling me it seems like they keep coming up with

ideas to keep him from getting to open the toys. It's like this secret little

society he's trying to create with me. I think he may be reacting this way out

of fear and confusion. I feel horrible and mean inside like my own mother. I

can't change this or take it back.

>

> I was doing so well for so long - kind of pretending like everything is okay.

I feel that little kids should be able to believe in Santa Claus and

grandparents (even if they're not that nice). I kind of feel like I just told

him Santa isn't real. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for putting him

through this. I should have protected him, not exposed him to the same

emotional pain I have suffered.

>

> I am so terribly sorry. As a human being, there is only so much I can take.

I guess after the hospital stress and finding out our insurance isn't covering

it, having the FOO in my face was just too much. I don't know what to do now.

How to help him. How to get over my own problems. I know I need counseling;

honestly, I don't know how we can afford it with the thousands in medical bills

now.

>

> Hoping and Praying,

> +Coal Miner's Daughter

>

[Guest guest]

You are learning how to be a good mom and it is hard because you did not have a

good role model to teach you. I did many similar things but my three sons ages

25, 28 & 30 assure me over and over that it was not that bad, and that they turned

out okay, and that I was a good mom and you are too. The fact that you feel so

bad will help you to control the next trigger and do better the next time. One

time when my son was about 8 he told me that I was a better mommy than I used to

be and that he could tell I was trying. You are trying to. Hang in there,

raising children is the most difficult job in the world (though everyone on this

site might argue that dealing with a BPD might be the toughest job in the world)

I was always drained when my boys were small. Raising children leaves you tired

to the bone. Forgive yourself! Your children have already moved on. You move on

too, vow to do better and there's a good chance they won't remember and hold it

over your head. However my oldest is still angry because we let his little

brother knock down his block tower and never punished the little brother, and

that brother is still reminding me that we let his older brother plot to give

him to the garbage men. Do they remind of the few times I repeated the rages I'd

learned as a child, no. But watch out for those blocks!

Kay

>

> I totally screwed up this time. I don't even want to tell you what I did. I

just acted EXACTLY like nada. But I need to talk to someone right now and can't

even speak about it out loud because the FOO is here now in the living room

playacting like everything is fine. Like always. I'm upset (as a teen I was

suicidal) with them in the other room pretending like they're just nice, normal

folks.

>

> Just a little trigger set me off and I vomited words all over my 8 year-old

that he should never have heard. The fada and step-nada offered to watch little

Sam so I could shower and run to the cell phone store. As soon as I got out of

the shower, Sam ran in the room to me and the FOO took off to get lunch. Left

for an hour and made me have to cancel the cell appointment.

>

> It wasn't that big of a deal, tiny issue in light of family history, but I

just lost control emotionally. Sam is almost 2 and difficult after the

hospital. He was hitting and biting me on the legs. I spanked his hand

and sat him in time out. But he is pretty wild from the steroid medication and

didn't settle down. I said the " f " word about 3 times in various derivations

when he busted my lip with his forehead. (You know how little kids throw their

head back when you're holding them? I had stopped trying to get ready and was

just holding him to comfort and settle things down.) was upset and

critical of me saying a bad word, of course.

>

> At that moment, I just let it spill. I said that Grandma and Grandpa wanted

to leave because they don't like watching Ben. I even said they only come to

visit twice a year because they are selfish. started crying, naturally, so

I realized I was being selfish and immature myself. I then attempted to explain

that they love him and care for him and that he is a good little boy. He asked

why our family is messed up and none of his grandparents visit him very much. I

told him that I can't control what they do, but that we are doing the right

thing now and I will help him when he grows up and visit as much as he wants.

>

> I said other things and worse before I stopped myself. I feel so guilty,

sorry and stupid. I can't believe I just hurt my little boy for no reason. He

has been upset since they came back to the house because they won't let him open

Christmas presents. He was telling me it seems like they keep coming up with

ideas to keep him from getting to open the toys. It's like this secret little

society he's trying to create with me. I think he may be reacting this way out

of fear and confusion. I feel horrible and mean inside like my own mother. I

can't change this or take it back.

>

> I was doing so well for so long - kind of pretending like everything is okay.

I feel that little kids should be able to believe in Santa Claus and

grandparents (even if they're not that nice). I kind of feel like I just told

him Santa isn't real. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for putting him

through this. I should have protected him, not exposed him to the same

emotional pain I have suffered.

>

> I am so terribly sorry. As a human being, there is only so much I can take.

I guess after the hospital stress and finding out our insurance isn't covering

it, having the FOO in my face was just too much. I don't know what to do now.

How to help him. How to get over my own problems. I know I need counseling;

honestly, I don't know how we can afford it with the thousands in medical bills

now.

>

> Hoping and Praying,

> +Coal Miner's Daughter

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I took this message and the other one about invalidating myself to heart. It's

easy to feel pretty okay when the FOO is several states away. I really didn't

realize how touchy I was until they were here again. I've been broken down and

nearly crying all afternoon.

I need to go to counseling. I will go to the university services for a few

sessions at the very least. This type of behavior with my children is

unacceptable to me.

We took Santa's presents up to the hospital Christmas day, but Mommy and Daddy's

didn't get wrapped. So I just stopped and wrapped them today and let open

his right away while Sam was napping. Fada has control issues, so he's been

holding the presents as a ransom to torment my son. I bypassed him by giving

our presents right away today instead of waiting for the " family Christmas "

thing. I also directly said at dinner that I thought the game of teasing

should be stopped. Step-nada said something to minimize the issue. So I said,

well we forget what it's like to be a kid. Presents are a big deal for them.

Christmas should not be conditional. Fada and step-nada backed up pretty quick

and said what a good boy he has been and why don't we go open gifts now. I also

let him open them immediately instead of waiting until everything was passed out

and opening went from oldest to youngest (another control freak tradition from

my lovely FOO).

+Coal Miner's Daughter

[Guest guest]

Dear Girlscout,

Actually, I did ask him to forgive me, right away. I wasn't sure if that was

the right thing to do or not, but it seemed only decent in light of my hurtful

words.

I also came back and had a short talk with him later. I told him that Mommy was

upset because of the hospital and the bills, but that I am getting better now.

I also told him it wasn't his grandparents' fault because the main problem was

the stress from the illnesses. I explained that all people make mistakes: mom,

dad, grandma and grandpa. I told him that we all do some things well and mess

up too. I was trying to back away from the black and white thinking.

He seemed better after that, but was miffed with them over the present

witholding. I guess I could have kept my mouth shut and let them hang

themselves. Note to self: next time give grandparents plenty of rope...

+Coal Miner's Daughter

>

> Oh sweetie - it was a slip. You caught yourself. He is resilient. I think

> you might need to do some self-care though.

>

> I have had similar slips too, but people can tell when its a mistake or a

> lifelong behavior pattern. Yours is just a mistake. You said you were sorry

> - and I bet he forgives you. have you asked him to forgive you? I was just

> reading a book by a therapist who made a mistake with a child and asked for

> forgiveness and recieved it.

>

> PS They are assholes if they make a little kid wait to open his presents for

> that long!

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Girlscout,

Actually, I did ask him to forgive me, right away. I wasn't sure if that was

the right thing to do or not, but it seemed only decent in light of my hurtful

words.

I also came back and had a short talk with him later. I told him that Mommy was

upset because of the hospital and the bills, but that I am getting better now.

I also told him it wasn't his grandparents' fault because the main problem was

the stress from the illnesses. I explained that all people make mistakes: mom,

dad, grandma and grandpa. I told him that we all do some things well and mess

up too. I was trying to back away from the black and white thinking.

He seemed better after that, but was miffed with them over the present

witholding. I guess I could have kept my mouth shut and let them hang

themselves. Note to self: next time give grandparents plenty of rope...

+Coal Miner's Daughter

>

> Oh sweetie - it was a slip. You caught yourself. He is resilient. I think

> you might need to do some self-care though.

>

> I have had similar slips too, but people can tell when its a mistake or a

> lifelong behavior pattern. Yours is just a mistake. You said you were sorry

> - and I bet he forgives you. have you asked him to forgive you? I was just

> reading a book by a therapist who made a mistake with a child and asked for

> forgiveness and recieved it.

>

> PS They are assholes if they make a little kid wait to open his presents for

> that long!

>

[Guest guest]

It does help. I wonder if a therapist might discuss the fact that I lashed out

indirectly with my son instead of confronting them directly. Problem is, I

don't want to confront them directly, I don't really care what the heck they do,

and I don't care if I ever see them again anyway. There are so many things they

do, pretty much the sum of the relationship, that it is pointless to mess with

it. Boundaries are the only option that has worked so far; basically just not

counting on them for anything and never setting foot in their territory (house

or vacation spot).

I have also confronted and discussed many things directly, but with

unsatisfactory results - minimizing of the issues, turning things into jokes or

doing the whole " oh, you're SOOO sensitive " routine. With personality

disorders, it seems that trying to reason things out or relate to one another is

not possible.

The only option left is making rules for myself, so-to-speak, about how long

I'll entertain the visit and what I will or won't do. I've got it down to the

minimum already - a couple of visits from lunch to dinner 2 days a year. I

never go to see them and just barely allow them to visit at all now.

I would love to go NC and wouldn't miss a thing. Only maintaining anything now

for the sake of the kids. Which I am now messing up myself, so what's the

point?

You're definitely right about me reaching my coping limit, although I was kind

of aware of it. I just didn't know what to do about it. I was handling things

fine before they started planning to visit to " help " us out after the hospital.

It's funny how them being around, offering their fake support, actually pushed

me over the limit.

+Coal Miner's Daughter

>

> (((((((CMD)))))))

> >

> Sometimes even just asking for help is hard in and of itself, and then to ask

your parents for help and have them just walk off after promising to help you

!!? Well, that would really hurt *my* feelings a lot, I can tell you.

> >

> I can handle one or two stressors at a time, but when multiple stressors come

at me from different directions, that overloads my coping ability and I break

down.

>

> I think this a good thing to bring to your psychologist for his or her input;

various coping techniques will probably be suggested for you to try, and ways

for you to be more aware of when you're reaching your coping limit.

>

> Children are resilient and forgiving, so if this happens rarely it won't do

him any harm. But if you're starting to notice a pattern of behavior in

yourself, if you have gotten into the habit of releasing your frustration and

tension by yelling at (or around) the kids and upsetting them, then, I suggest

that that's something to look into more closely.

>

>

> I hope that helps.

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

It does help. I wonder if a therapist might discuss the fact that I lashed out

indirectly with my son instead of confronting them directly. Problem is, I

don't want to confront them directly, I don't really care what the heck they do,

and I don't care if I ever see them again anyway. There are so many things they

do, pretty much the sum of the relationship, that it is pointless to mess with

it. Boundaries are the only option that has worked so far; basically just not

counting on them for anything and never setting foot in their territory (house

or vacation spot).

I have also confronted and discussed many things directly, but with

unsatisfactory results - minimizing of the issues, turning things into jokes or

doing the whole " oh, you're SOOO sensitive " routine. With personality

disorders, it seems that trying to reason things out or relate to one another is

not possible.

The only option left is making rules for myself, so-to-speak, about how long

I'll entertain the visit and what I will or won't do. I've got it down to the

minimum already - a couple of visits from lunch to dinner 2 days a year. I

never go to see them and just barely allow them to visit at all now.

I would love to go NC and wouldn't miss a thing. Only maintaining anything now

for the sake of the kids. Which I am now messing up myself, so what's the

point?

You're definitely right about me reaching my coping limit, although I was kind

of aware of it. I just didn't know what to do about it. I was handling things

fine before they started planning to visit to " help " us out after the hospital.

It's funny how them being around, offering their fake support, actually pushed

me over the limit.

+Coal Miner's Daughter

>

> (((((((CMD)))))))

> >

> Sometimes even just asking for help is hard in and of itself, and then to ask

your parents for help and have them just walk off after promising to help you

!!? Well, that would really hurt *my* feelings a lot, I can tell you.

> >

> I can handle one or two stressors at a time, but when multiple stressors come

at me from different directions, that overloads my coping ability and I break

down.

>

> I think this a good thing to bring to your psychologist for his or her input;

various coping techniques will probably be suggested for you to try, and ways

for you to be more aware of when you're reaching your coping limit.

>

> Children are resilient and forgiving, so if this happens rarely it won't do

him any harm. But if you're starting to notice a pattern of behavior in

yourself, if you have gotten into the habit of releasing your frustration and

tension by yelling at (or around) the kids and upsetting them, then, I suggest

that that's something to look into more closely.

>

>

> I hope that helps.

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

That's ok...... We all make mistakes. Let it go. We are human beings with

limited capacity to stress. I've been in the same situation as you have and

always admitted to my child that what I did or said wasn't nice and that I was

really sorry and ask for his forgiveness. Then giving him a hug.

Don't beat up yourself.

- In WTOAdultChildren1 , " anuria67854 " wrote:

>

> (((((((CMD)))))))

>

> I think you need to be gentle with yourself. You have just undergone an

extremely stressful incident with your two small children being hospitalized,

and instead of being able to relax and have a time out for yourself in order to

decompress and regain your balance and equanimity, your foo shows up and adds to

your stress. Plus, your children are still recuperating and need your attention

and care-giving that I'm guessing is different and more intensive than they

usually need when they're physically healthy. And then on top of that, you find

out just how much the hospitalization is going to cost, which is upsetting.

>

> Sometimes even just asking for help is hard in and of itself, and then to ask

your parents for help and have them just walk off after promising to help you

!!? Well, that would really hurt *my* feelings a lot, I can tell you.

>

> So, you've been taking one hit after another in the stress department, for

days.

>

> I can handle one or two stressors at a time, but when multiple stressors come

at me from different directions, that overloads my coping ability and I break

down.

>

> I think feeling overwhelmed is normal under such circumstances, but you are

now distressed over how you dealt with feeling overwhelmed.

>

> Although it was your parents who let you down by leaving just when you were

counting on them to babysit, instead of addressing them directly about letting

you down, you let loose in a way that upset your child/children and now you feel

bad and guilty about that.

>

> I think this a good thing to bring to your psychologist for his or her input;

various coping techniques will probably be suggested for you to try, and ways

for you to be more aware of when you're reaching your coping limit.

>

> Children are resilient and forgiving, so if this happens rarely it won't do

him any harm. But if you're starting to notice a pattern of behavior in

yourself, if you have gotten into the habit of releasing your frustration and

tension by yelling at (or around) the kids and upsetting them, then, I suggest

that that's something to look into more closely.

>

> Nobody is perfect, but what counts is that we KOs care about the feelings of

our loved ones, and because we care we try to do the best we can, apologize when

we screw up, and figure out how to do better the next time. That's all any

human being can do.

>

> So, again, cut yourself some slack. You've been through the wringer.

>

> I hope that helps.

> -Annie

>

>

>

> >

> > I totally screwed up this time. I don't even want to tell you what I did.

I just acted EXACTLY like nada. But I need to talk to someone right now and

can't even speak about it out loud because the FOO is here now in the living

room playacting like everything is fine. Like always. I'm upset (as a teen I

was suicidal) with them in the other room pretending like they're just nice,

normal folks.

> >

> > Just a little trigger set me off and I vomited words all over my 8 year-old

that he should never have heard. The fada and step-nada offered to watch little

Sam so I could shower and run to the cell phone store. As soon as I got out of

the shower, Sam ran in the room to me and the FOO took off to get lunch. Left

for an hour and made me have to cancel the cell appointment.

> >

> > It wasn't that big of a deal, tiny issue in light of family history, but I

just lost control emotionally. Sam is almost 2 and difficult after the

hospital. He was hitting and biting me on the legs. I spanked his hand

and sat him in time out. But he is pretty wild from the steroid medication and

didn't settle down. I said the " f " word about 3 times in various derivations

when he busted my lip with his forehead. (You know how little kids throw their

head back when you're holding them? I had stopped trying to get ready and was

just holding him to comfort and settle things down.) was upset and

critical of me saying a bad word, of course.

> >

> > At that moment, I just let it spill. I said that Grandma and Grandpa wanted

to leave because they don't like watching Ben. I even said they only come to

visit twice a year because they are selfish. started crying, naturally, so

I realized I was being selfish and immature myself. I then attempted to explain

that they love him and care for him and that he is a good little boy. He asked

why our family is messed up and none of his grandparents visit him very much. I

told him that I can't control what they do, but that we are doing the right

thing now and I will help him when he grows up and visit as much as he wants.

> >

> > I said other things and worse before I stopped myself. I feel so guilty,

sorry and stupid. I can't believe I just hurt my little boy for no reason. He

has been upset since they came back to the house because they won't let him open

Christmas presents. He was telling me it seems like they keep coming up with

ideas to keep him from getting to open the toys. It's like this secret little

society he's trying to create with me. I think he may be reacting this way out

of fear and confusion. I feel horrible and mean inside like my own mother. I

can't change this or take it back.

> >

> > I was doing so well for so long - kind of pretending like everything is

okay. I feel that little kids should be able to believe in Santa Claus and

grandparents (even if they're not that nice). I kind of feel like I just told

him Santa isn't real. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for putting him

through this. I should have protected him, not exposed him to the same

emotional pain I have suffered.

> >

> > I am so terribly sorry. As a human being, there is only so much I can take.

I guess after the hospital stress and finding out our insurance isn't covering

it, having the FOO in my face was just too much. I don't know what to do now.

How to help him. How to get over my own problems. I know I need counseling;

honestly, I don't know how we can afford it with the thousands in medical bills

now.

> >

> > Hoping and Praying,

> > +Coal Miner's Daughter

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I really needed that affirmation. I need to hear this so much.

--------------------------------------------------------------

I just closed the laptop and sat with and my husband for a few minutes to

kind of review the day. I told him how Daddy explained some things that helped

me understand better. This seemed to help too. I think you make a good

point about it being a rare mistake rather than a mode of operation. He was

able to tell me that he felt better about everything and why, so I think we

repaired as much as possible.

Honestly, though, I just forced myself to act nice and pretend. I did say that

everyone makes mistakes and I felt upset at Grandma and Grandpa at that time. I

wanted to make the discussion as sincere as possible. We also went on to round

out the talk by saying what a sweet boy he is and joking around. I told him God

was getting a spoonful of cute ready to put on him in heaven, but someone

knocked into him so the whole bowl of cute dumped on him. He thought this was

pretty funny. A whole bowl of cute!

+Coal Miner's Daughter

p.s. I can tell I have a lot of work to do myself. I have intense anger,

sadness and disappointment that I have buried so long. I used to think it was

just that I had problems. Then I ignored the whole thing. Now, it seems the

issues demand to be faced.

>

> You are a very good mother who is also human. You are NOT BPD. Big, big, big

difference.

>

> I'm the best mom I know, and I've done the same thing. I'm ashamed to admit

it as well, but it has happened.

>

> Apologize. Explain how mommy's behavior wasn't acceptable. And let him know

you will do whatever it takes to make sure that doesn't happen again. Let him

know you love him. Ask him how he felt/feels, and affirm his feelings. Ask:

" Do you forgive me? " Give him a hug, and see if you can sit quietly w/ him for

a minute watching tv or something. Reconnect somehow.

>

> And then forgive yourself. You've been under an inhuman amount of stress

lately, and you've done it in the midst of FOO.

>

> Think about it: If nada had gone off once, apologized, owned it, asked for

your forgiveness, and then went back to being a wonderful, caring mom? You

wouldn't be on this board, hon!! Your son will learn a great deal from you

'fessing up and apologizing and making amends. And he won't be forever damaged!

He will move on in good health.

>

> Grace to you, my friend.

>

> Blessings,

> Karla

>

> p.s. I shouldn't beat a dead horse, but for cryin' in the rain. Your FOO

couldn't give you a break for even a MINUTE? No wonder your last nerve just

snapped!!!

>

>

[Guest guest]

I really needed that affirmation. I need to hear this so much.

--------------------------------------------------------------

I just closed the laptop and sat with and my husband for a few minutes to

kind of review the day. I told him how Daddy explained some things that helped

me understand better. This seemed to help too. I think you make a good

point about it being a rare mistake rather than a mode of operation. He was

able to tell me that he felt better about everything and why, so I think we

repaired as much as possible.

Honestly, though, I just forced myself to act nice and pretend. I did say that

everyone makes mistakes and I felt upset at Grandma and Grandpa at that time. I

wanted to make the discussion as sincere as possible. We also went on to round

out the talk by saying what a sweet boy he is and joking around. I told him God

was getting a spoonful of cute ready to put on him in heaven, but someone

knocked into him so the whole bowl of cute dumped on him. He thought this was

pretty funny. A whole bowl of cute!

+Coal Miner's Daughter

p.s. I can tell I have a lot of work to do myself. I have intense anger,

sadness and disappointment that I have buried so long. I used to think it was

just that I had problems. Then I ignored the whole thing. Now, it seems the

issues demand to be faced.

>

> You are a very good mother who is also human. You are NOT BPD. Big, big, big

difference.

>

> I'm the best mom I know, and I've done the same thing. I'm ashamed to admit

it as well, but it has happened.

>

> Apologize. Explain how mommy's behavior wasn't acceptable. And let him know

you will do whatever it takes to make sure that doesn't happen again. Let him

know you love him. Ask him how he felt/feels, and affirm his feelings. Ask:

" Do you forgive me? " Give him a hug, and see if you can sit quietly w/ him for

a minute watching tv or something. Reconnect somehow.

>

> And then forgive yourself. You've been under an inhuman amount of stress

lately, and you've done it in the midst of FOO.

>

> Think about it: If nada had gone off once, apologized, owned it, asked for

your forgiveness, and then went back to being a wonderful, caring mom? You

wouldn't be on this board, hon!! Your son will learn a great deal from you

'fessing up and apologizing and making amends. And he won't be forever damaged!

He will move on in good health.

>

> Grace to you, my friend.

>

> Blessings,

> Karla

>

> p.s. I shouldn't beat a dead horse, but for cryin' in the rain. Your FOO

couldn't give you a break for even a MINUTE? No wonder your last nerve just

snapped!!!

>

>

[Guest guest]

CoalMinersDaughter,

First, let me offer you a BIG HUG!

I have been where you are so many times I have lost count over the years. As

time goes on it does get better, so hang in there and keep working at it.

We are human. There is nothing we can do to change that. We are imperfect

beings. Let me throw a different light on this for you, hopefully it will help

to calm you as it always has with me.

When my children were young such as yours are, I often had moments of losing

control, and there were times my kids got caught in the crossfire

unintentionally. It happens, its unavoidable. When they came at me with

questions about the lack of grandparents in their lives, I was honest with them.

It took me a long time to figure out what to say to them, and in the end I

decided that of all things I missed when I was a child, it was honesty from my

family, even if the truth hurt, it was better than a lie. Telling my kids how

much my parents loved them, to me, was pointless. Why build up their hopes of

something out there for them only to have them shattered as they get older, and

on top of that, coming home to me with questions I couldn't answer? What would

be the point in that?

My kids were 3 & 4 when I first sat them down and explained on their level that

grandpa was a drunk and grandma was " different " and that it was not our concern

in life over how much we are loved but rather, how much we love. As the years

went by they heard new versions of basically the same thing, on a level

appropriate for their age at the time, and my children came to expect less of my

parents and not stress about the lack of grandparents in their lives. If

someone asked them about their grandparents they sort of shrugged it off, but

they were honest about it all, and now, as adults, have thanked me often for not

lying to or deceiving them about my parents as they were growing up. My

children are on the road to breaking a cycle that has run in my family for

generations... their lives are happier and much more stress free than they would

be if they were caught up in nada's constant drama.

When my father died last January, my children mourned their loss, but not as

deeply as some other people did, not as deeply as my sister's children did.

There was a level of detachment there that got them through in a better way. I

was again glad of how I raised them to deal with my family.

When I called my son who is now almost 23 yrs old and asked for some help with

nada, we had a very good conversation and he was happy to step in and take up

some of her time to relieve my burden, knowing that if she verbally batters him,

it means nothing to him... my children expect it and are able to brush it off

and not let it influence their self esteem. Their opinion is simple, " grandma

is something of a nut who lives in her own little world... pacify her for a

little while once in a while and she goes away again soon enough, no harm done " .

At 8 yrs old your son is old enough to know the truth... on his level of

understanding. He needs to know he need not feel ashamed, unwanted, unloved, or

less than the wonderful little boy he is, regardless of what the others do, say,

or show him. He needs to learn now to detach from the BPD ways... otherwise

there will come a day he will be in a support group such as this one, seeking

emotional help to deal with feelings of anger, mistrust, self doubt, etc. I

refused to allow my children to carry the emotional baggage I was handed through

my life, determined to break the family cycle.

I have spent a lot of time over the years tracing the behavior patterns in my

family, and now that I know and understand BPD better, I can determine my mother

is only 1 in a long line in our family who suffered with the same thing. My

maternal grandmother was a classic case, as were a few of her sisters, and my

maternal great grandmother fits the bill too. I suspect my sister may also

suffer with it, or something similar, as I can see " the family trait " in her

just as much as in the others. I have never felt so grateful to be termed the

black sheep of the family. I often wonder if I am as close to " normal " as the

women in our family have seen in generations.

The BPD with my grandmother was just as extreme as with nada, I always assumed

that's where nada " learned " it from (before I knew about BPD). I can vouch as a

grandchild who was taught much the way you just comforted your son about how

much they love him, etc. that he is looking at a world of hurt if you are not

honest with all of your children from the start. The earlier they learn to

understand and accept that this is just how our family is... the easier it will

be for them to survive it and go on to thrive in their own lives later. The

things my nada could have done to save me from that trauma... omg, to think

about it is just overwhelming. My nada couldn't do that for me because, as I

know now, she wasn't capable. I am, you are.

I hope this helps you. Please give yourself a break, your son is going to face

far worse from complete strangers through his life. If this turns out to be

that overwhelmingly traumatic for him then I would suggest maybe you seek the

help of a trained professional for him as well as yourself. Kids are amazingly

resilient, if you don't dwell on the situation, only serve to comfort and

reassure him when he needs it, he should be just fine in a few days, and by end

of winter he will likely forget most if not all of what happened. Give him

something different and good and happy to focus on instead.

Best of luck to you on this!

>

> I totally screwed up this time. I don't even want to tell you what I did. I

just acted EXACTLY like nada. But I need to talk to someone right now and can't

even speak about it out loud because the FOO is here now in the living room

playacting like everything is fine. Like always. I'm upset (as a teen I was

suicidal) with them in the other room pretending like they're just nice, normal

folks.

>

> Just a little trigger set me off and I vomited words all over my 8 year-old

that he should never have heard. The fada and step-nada offered to watch little

Sam so I could shower and run to the cell phone store. As soon as I got out of

the shower, Sam ran in the room to me and the FOO took off to get lunch. Left

for an hour and made me have to cancel the cell appointment.

>

> It wasn't that big of a deal, tiny issue in light of family history, but I

just lost control emotionally. Sam is almost 2 and difficult after the

hospital. He was hitting and biting me on the legs. I spanked his hand

and sat him in time out. But he is pretty wild from the steroid medication and

didn't settle down. I said the " f " word about 3 times in various derivations

when he busted my lip with his forehead. (You know how little kids throw their

head back when you're holding them? I had stopped trying to get ready and was

just holding him to comfort and settle things down.) was upset and

critical of me saying a bad word, of course.

>

> At that moment, I just let it spill. I said that Grandma and Grandpa wanted

to leave because they don't like watching Ben. I even said they only come to

visit twice a year because they are selfish. started crying, naturally, so

I realized I was being selfish and immature myself. I then attempted to explain

that they love him and care for him and that he is a good little boy. He asked

why our family is messed up and none of his grandparents visit him very much. I

told him that I can't control what they do, but that we are doing the right

thing now and I will help him when he grows up and visit as much as he wants.

>

> I said other things and worse before I stopped myself. I feel so guilty,

sorry and stupid. I can't believe I just hurt my little boy for no reason. He

has been upset since they came back to the house because they won't let him open

Christmas presents. He was telling me it seems like they keep coming up with

ideas to keep him from getting to open the toys. It's like this secret little

society he's trying to create with me. I think he may be reacting this way out

of fear and confusion. I feel horrible and mean inside like my own mother. I

can't change this or take it back.

>

> I was doing so well for so long - kind of pretending like everything is okay.

I feel that little kids should be able to believe in Santa Claus and

grandparents (even if they're not that nice). I kind of feel like I just told

him Santa isn't real. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for putting him

through this. I should have protected him, not exposed him to the same

emotional pain I have suffered.

>

> I am so terribly sorry. As a human being, there is only so much I can take.

I guess after the hospital stress and finding out our insurance isn't covering

it, having the FOO in my face was just too much. I don't know what to do now.

How to help him. How to get over my own problems. I know I need counseling;

honestly, I don't know how we can afford it with the thousands in medical bills

now.

>

> Hoping and Praying,

> +Coal Miner's Daughter

>

[Guest guest]

CoalMinersDaughter,

First, let me offer you a BIG HUG!

I have been where you are so many times I have lost count over the years. As

time goes on it does get better, so hang in there and keep working at it.

We are human. There is nothing we can do to change that. We are imperfect

beings. Let me throw a different light on this for you, hopefully it will help

to calm you as it always has with me.

When my children were young such as yours are, I often had moments of losing

control, and there were times my kids got caught in the crossfire

unintentionally. It happens, its unavoidable. When they came at me with

questions about the lack of grandparents in their lives, I was honest with them.

It took me a long time to figure out what to say to them, and in the end I

decided that of all things I missed when I was a child, it was honesty from my

family, even if the truth hurt, it was better than a lie. Telling my kids how

much my parents loved them, to me, was pointless. Why build up their hopes of

something out there for them only to have them shattered as they get older, and

on top of that, coming home to me with questions I couldn't answer? What would

be the point in that?

My kids were 3 & 4 when I first sat them down and explained on their level that

grandpa was a drunk and grandma was " different " and that it was not our concern

in life over how much we are loved but rather, how much we love. As the years

went by they heard new versions of basically the same thing, on a level

appropriate for their age at the time, and my children came to expect less of my

parents and not stress about the lack of grandparents in their lives. If

someone asked them about their grandparents they sort of shrugged it off, but

they were honest about it all, and now, as adults, have thanked me often for not

lying to or deceiving them about my parents as they were growing up. My

children are on the road to breaking a cycle that has run in my family for

generations... their lives are happier and much more stress free than they would

be if they were caught up in nada's constant drama.

When my father died last January, my children mourned their loss, but not as

deeply as some other people did, not as deeply as my sister's children did.

There was a level of detachment there that got them through in a better way. I

was again glad of how I raised them to deal with my family.

When I called my son who is now almost 23 yrs old and asked for some help with

nada, we had a very good conversation and he was happy to step in and take up

some of her time to relieve my burden, knowing that if she verbally batters him,

it means nothing to him... my children expect it and are able to brush it off

and not let it influence their self esteem. Their opinion is simple, " grandma

is something of a nut who lives in her own little world... pacify her for a

little while once in a while and she goes away again soon enough, no harm done " .

At 8 yrs old your son is old enough to know the truth... on his level of

understanding. He needs to know he need not feel ashamed, unwanted, unloved, or

less than the wonderful little boy he is, regardless of what the others do, say,

or show him. He needs to learn now to detach from the BPD ways... otherwise

there will come a day he will be in a support group such as this one, seeking

emotional help to deal with feelings of anger, mistrust, self doubt, etc. I

refused to allow my children to carry the emotional baggage I was handed through

my life, determined to break the family cycle.

I have spent a lot of time over the years tracing the behavior patterns in my

family, and now that I know and understand BPD better, I can determine my mother

is only 1 in a long line in our family who suffered with the same thing. My

maternal grandmother was a classic case, as were a few of her sisters, and my

maternal great grandmother fits the bill too. I suspect my sister may also

suffer with it, or something similar, as I can see " the family trait " in her

just as much as in the others. I have never felt so grateful to be termed the

black sheep of the family. I often wonder if I am as close to " normal " as the

women in our family have seen in generations.

The BPD with my grandmother was just as extreme as with nada, I always assumed

that's where nada " learned " it from (before I knew about BPD). I can vouch as a

grandchild who was taught much the way you just comforted your son about how

much they love him, etc. that he is looking at a world of hurt if you are not

honest with all of your children from the start. The earlier they learn to

understand and accept that this is just how our family is... the easier it will

be for them to survive it and go on to thrive in their own lives later. The

things my nada could have done to save me from that trauma... omg, to think

about it is just overwhelming. My nada couldn't do that for me because, as I

know now, she wasn't capable. I am, you are.

I hope this helps you. Please give yourself a break, your son is going to face

far worse from complete strangers through his life. If this turns out to be

that overwhelmingly traumatic for him then I would suggest maybe you seek the

help of a trained professional for him as well as yourself. Kids are amazingly

resilient, if you don't dwell on the situation, only serve to comfort and

reassure him when he needs it, he should be just fine in a few days, and by end

of winter he will likely forget most if not all of what happened. Give him

something different and good and happy to focus on instead.

Best of luck to you on this!

>

> I totally screwed up this time. I don't even want to tell you what I did. I

just acted EXACTLY like nada. But I need to talk to someone right now and can't

even speak about it out loud because the FOO is here now in the living room

playacting like everything is fine. Like always. I'm upset (as a teen I was

suicidal) with them in the other room pretending like they're just nice, normal

folks.

>

> Just a little trigger set me off and I vomited words all over my 8 year-old

that he should never have heard. The fada and step-nada offered to watch little

Sam so I could shower and run to the cell phone store. As soon as I got out of

the shower, Sam ran in the room to me and the FOO took off to get lunch. Left

for an hour and made me have to cancel the cell appointment.

>

> It wasn't that big of a deal, tiny issue in light of family history, but I

just lost control emotionally. Sam is almost 2 and difficult after the

hospital. He was hitting and biting me on the legs. I spanked his hand

and sat him in time out. But he is pretty wild from the steroid medication and

didn't settle down. I said the " f " word about 3 times in various derivations

when he busted my lip with his forehead. (You know how little kids throw their

head back when you're holding them? I had stopped trying to get ready and was

just holding him to comfort and settle things down.) was upset and

critical of me saying a bad word, of course.

>

> At that moment, I just let it spill. I said that Grandma and Grandpa wanted

to leave because they don't like watching Ben. I even said they only come to

visit twice a year because they are selfish. started crying, naturally, so

I realized I was being selfish and immature myself. I then attempted to explain

that they love him and care for him and that he is a good little boy. He asked

why our family is messed up and none of his grandparents visit him very much. I

told him that I can't control what they do, but that we are doing the right

thing now and I will help him when he grows up and visit as much as he wants.

>

> I said other things and worse before I stopped myself. I feel so guilty,

sorry and stupid. I can't believe I just hurt my little boy for no reason. He

has been upset since they came back to the house because they won't let him open

Christmas presents. He was telling me it seems like they keep coming up with

ideas to keep him from getting to open the toys. It's like this secret little

society he's trying to create with me. I think he may be reacting this way out

of fear and confusion. I feel horrible and mean inside like my own mother. I

can't change this or take it back.

>

> I was doing so well for so long - kind of pretending like everything is okay.

I feel that little kids should be able to believe in Santa Claus and

grandparents (even if they're not that nice). I kind of feel like I just told

him Santa isn't real. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for putting him

through this. I should have protected him, not exposed him to the same

emotional pain I have suffered.

>

> I am so terribly sorry. As a human being, there is only so much I can take.

I guess after the hospital stress and finding out our insurance isn't covering

it, having the FOO in my face was just too much. I don't know what to do now.

How to help him. How to get over my own problems. I know I need counseling;

honestly, I don't know how we can afford it with the thousands in medical bills

now.

>

> Hoping and Praying,

> +Coal Miner's Daughter

>

[Guest guest]

CoalMinersDaughter,

First, let me offer you a BIG HUG!

I have been where you are so many times I have lost count over the years. As

time goes on it does get better, so hang in there and keep working at it.

We are human. There is nothing we can do to change that. We are imperfect

beings. Let me throw a different light on this for you, hopefully it will help

to calm you as it always has with me.

When my children were young such as yours are, I often had moments of losing

control, and there were times my kids got caught in the crossfire

unintentionally. It happens, its unavoidable. When they came at me with

questions about the lack of grandparents in their lives, I was honest with them.

It took me a long time to figure out what to say to them, and in the end I

decided that of all things I missed when I was a child, it was honesty from my

family, even if the truth hurt, it was better than a lie. Telling my kids how

much my parents loved them, to me, was pointless. Why build up their hopes of

something out there for them only to have them shattered as they get older, and

on top of that, coming home to me with questions I couldn't answer? What would

be the point in that?

My kids were 3 & 4 when I first sat them down and explained on their level that

grandpa was a drunk and grandma was " different " and that it was not our concern

in life over how much we are loved but rather, how much we love. As the years

went by they heard new versions of basically the same thing, on a level

appropriate for their age at the time, and my children came to expect less of my

parents and not stress about the lack of grandparents in their lives. If

someone asked them about their grandparents they sort of shrugged it off, but

they were honest about it all, and now, as adults, have thanked me often for not

lying to or deceiving them about my parents as they were growing up. My

children are on the road to breaking a cycle that has run in my family for

generations... their lives are happier and much more stress free than they would

be if they were caught up in nada's constant drama.

When my father died last January, my children mourned their loss, but not as

deeply as some other people did, not as deeply as my sister's children did.

There was a level of detachment there that got them through in a better way. I

was again glad of how I raised them to deal with my family.

When I called my son who is now almost 23 yrs old and asked for some help with

nada, we had a very good conversation and he was happy to step in and take up

some of her time to relieve my burden, knowing that if she verbally batters him,

it means nothing to him... my children expect it and are able to brush it off

and not let it influence their self esteem. Their opinion is simple, " grandma

is something of a nut who lives in her own little world... pacify her for a

little while once in a while and she goes away again soon enough, no harm done " .

At 8 yrs old your son is old enough to know the truth... on his level of

understanding. He needs to know he need not feel ashamed, unwanted, unloved, or

less than the wonderful little boy he is, regardless of what the others do, say,

or show him. He needs to learn now to detach from the BPD ways... otherwise

there will come a day he will be in a support group such as this one, seeking

emotional help to deal with feelings of anger, mistrust, self doubt, etc. I

refused to allow my children to carry the emotional baggage I was handed through

my life, determined to break the family cycle.

I have spent a lot of time over the years tracing the behavior patterns in my

family, and now that I know and understand BPD better, I can determine my mother

is only 1 in a long line in our family who suffered with the same thing. My

maternal grandmother was a classic case, as were a few of her sisters, and my

maternal great grandmother fits the bill too. I suspect my sister may also

suffer with it, or something similar, as I can see " the family trait " in her

just as much as in the others. I have never felt so grateful to be termed the

black sheep of the family. I often wonder if I am as close to " normal " as the

women in our family have seen in generations.

The BPD with my grandmother was just as extreme as with nada, I always assumed

that's where nada " learned " it from (before I knew about BPD). I can vouch as a

grandchild who was taught much the way you just comforted your son about how

much they love him, etc. that he is looking at a world of hurt if you are not

honest with all of your children from the start. The earlier they learn to

understand and accept that this is just how our family is... the easier it will

be for them to survive it and go on to thrive in their own lives later. The

things my nada could have done to save me from that trauma... omg, to think

about it is just overwhelming. My nada couldn't do that for me because, as I

know now, she wasn't capable. I am, you are.

I hope this helps you. Please give yourself a break, your son is going to face

far worse from complete strangers through his life. If this turns out to be

that overwhelmingly traumatic for him then I would suggest maybe you seek the

help of a trained professional for him as well as yourself. Kids are amazingly

resilient, if you don't dwell on the situation, only serve to comfort and

reassure him when he needs it, he should be just fine in a few days, and by end

of winter he will likely forget most if not all of what happened. Give him

something different and good and happy to focus on instead.

Best of luck to you on this!

>

> I totally screwed up this time. I don't even want to tell you what I did. I

just acted EXACTLY like nada. But I need to talk to someone right now and can't

even speak about it out loud because the FOO is here now in the living room

playacting like everything is fine. Like always. I'm upset (as a teen I was

suicidal) with them in the other room pretending like they're just nice, normal

folks.

>

> Just a little trigger set me off and I vomited words all over my 8 year-old

that he should never have heard. The fada and step-nada offered to watch little

Sam so I could shower and run to the cell phone store. As soon as I got out of

the shower, Sam ran in the room to me and the FOO took off to get lunch. Left

for an hour and made me have to cancel the cell appointment.

>

> It wasn't that big of a deal, tiny issue in light of family history, but I

just lost control emotionally. Sam is almost 2 and difficult after the

hospital. He was hitting and biting me on the legs. I spanked his hand

and sat him in time out. But he is pretty wild from the steroid medication and

didn't settle down. I said the " f " word about 3 times in various derivations

when he busted my lip with his forehead. (You know how little kids throw their

head back when you're holding them? I had stopped trying to get ready and was

just holding him to comfort and settle things down.) was upset and

critical of me saying a bad word, of course.

>

> At that moment, I just let it spill. I said that Grandma and Grandpa wanted

to leave because they don't like watching Ben. I even said they only come to

visit twice a year because they are selfish. started crying, naturally, so

I realized I was being selfish and immature myself. I then attempted to explain

that they love him and care for him and that he is a good little boy. He asked

why our family is messed up and none of his grandparents visit him very much. I

told him that I can't control what they do, but that we are doing the right

thing now and I will help him when he grows up and visit as much as he wants.

>

> I said other things and worse before I stopped myself. I feel so guilty,

sorry and stupid. I can't believe I just hurt my little boy for no reason. He

has been upset since they came back to the house because they won't let him open

Christmas presents. He was telling me it seems like they keep coming up with

ideas to keep him from getting to open the toys. It's like this secret little

society he's trying to create with me. I think he may be reacting this way out

of fear and confusion. I feel horrible and mean inside like my own mother. I

can't change this or take it back.

>

> I was doing so well for so long - kind of pretending like everything is okay.

I feel that little kids should be able to believe in Santa Claus and

grandparents (even if they're not that nice). I kind of feel like I just told

him Santa isn't real. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for putting him

through this. I should have protected him, not exposed him to the same

emotional pain I have suffered.

>

> I am so terribly sorry. As a human being, there is only so much I can take.

I guess after the hospital stress and finding out our insurance isn't covering

it, having the FOO in my face was just too much. I don't know what to do now.

How to help him. How to get over my own problems. I know I need counseling;

honestly, I don't know how we can afford it with the thousands in medical bills

now.

>

> Hoping and Praying,

> +Coal Miner's Daughter

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!

The future perspective is amazingly helpful. Here's the REALLY WEIRD thing: my

8 year-old just told ME last night that I am a better mommy and am doing better!

He said, " It's okay, Mom, you're goodhearted. " I thought that was so sweet.

ALSO - my little 8 year-old was really mad at Grandma and Grandpa last night for

teaching his younger brother to knock over the blocks! He came in our room (we

were wrapping Christmas presents for the FOO) and " told " on them. He said:

" Mom, Dad, can you believe Grandma and Grandpa are letting Sam knock down my

block tower and teaching him to do it???!!! I told them you guys have been

trying to teach him not to do that! " Apparently blocks are huge in child

development psychologically as well as intellectually. ha ha

I will watch the blocks for sure. I think I've been a bit lazze faire on this

whole block issue. ha ha Obviously, the blocks are much more important than

the fact that the grandparents care more about their dogs than their

grandchildren...

+Coal Miner's Daughter

>

> You are learning how to be a good mom and it is hard because you did not have

a good role model to teach you. I did many similar things but my three sons ages

25, 28 & 30 assure me over and over that it was not that bad, and that they turned

out okay, and that I was a good mom and you are too. The fact that you feel so

bad will help you to control the next trigger and do better the next time. One

time when my son was about 8 he told me that I was a better mommy than I used to

be and that he could tell I was trying. You are trying to. Hang in there,

raising children is the most difficult job in the world (though everyone on this

site might argue that dealing with a BPD might be the toughest job in the world)

I was always drained when my boys were small. Raising children leaves you tired

to the bone. Forgive yourself! Your children have already moved on. You move on

too, vow to do better and there's a good chance they won't remember and hold it

over your head. However my oldest is still angry because we let his little

brother knock down his block tower and never punished the little brother, and

that brother is still reminding me that we let his older brother plot to give

him to the garbage men. Do they remind of the few times I repeated the rages I'd

learned as a child, no. But watch out for those blocks!

> Kay

[Guest guest]

I am so glad to hear from you and am so pleased that your 8 year old is proving

me to be correct. Yeah, those blocks are really something.

Hang in there, and remember to hug yourself and forgive yourself. Your kids need

you to do that.

Kay

> >

> > You are learning how to be a good mom and it is hard because you did not

have a good role model to teach you. I did many similar things but my three sons

ages 25, 28 & 30 assure me over and over that it was not that bad, and that they

turned out okay, and that I was a good mom and you are too. The fact that you

feel so bad will help you to control the next trigger and do better the next

time. One time when my son was about 8 he told me that I was a better mommy than

I used to be and that he could tell I was trying. You are trying to. Hang in

there, raising children is the most difficult job in the world (though everyone

on this site might argue that dealing with a BPD might be the toughest job in

the world) I was always drained when my boys were small. Raising children leaves

you tired to the bone. Forgive yourself! Your children have already moved on.

You move on too, vow to do better and there's a good chance they won't remember

and hold it over your head. However my oldest is still angry because we let his

little brother knock down his block tower and never punished the little brother,

and that brother is still reminding me that we let his older brother plot to

give him to the garbage men. Do they remind of the few times I repeated the

rages I'd learned as a child, no. But watch out for those blocks!

> > Kay

>