Re: I totally screwed up!!!

[Guest guest]

I am so glad to hear from you and am so pleased that your 8 year old is proving

me to be correct. Yeah, those blocks are really something.

Hang in there, and remember to hug yourself and forgive yourself. Your kids need

you to do that.

Kay

> >

> > You are learning how to be a good mom and it is hard because you did not

have a good role model to teach you. I did many similar things but my three sons

ages 25, 28 & 30 assure me over and over that it was not that bad, and that they

turned out okay, and that I was a good mom and you are too. The fact that you

feel so bad will help you to control the next trigger and do better the next

time. One time when my son was about 8 he told me that I was a better mommy than

I used to be and that he could tell I was trying. You are trying to. Hang in

there, raising children is the most difficult job in the world (though everyone

on this site might argue that dealing with a BPD might be the toughest job in

the world) I was always drained when my boys were small. Raising children leaves

you tired to the bone. Forgive yourself! Your children have already moved on.

You move on too, vow to do better and there's a good chance they won't remember

and hold it over your head. However my oldest is still angry because we let his

little brother knock down his block tower and never punished the little brother,

and that brother is still reminding me that we let his older brother plot to

give him to the garbage men. Do they remind of the few times I repeated the

rages I'd learned as a child, no. But watch out for those blocks!

> > Kay

>

[Guest guest]

I am glad that you mentioned this because I have been feeling a bit of pressure

to playact nice and pretend everything is okay. I have not been able to do this

very convincingly. I told that his grandparents love him, but I was

careful not to say how much or a lot or anything like that. He answered back,

" But why do they like their dogs more than me? " So I think he pretty much

understands how it really is. (They don't let kids play in the living room

because the couch and floor are " dog play areas " . My sister's kids actually

play on the screened in porch like they are the dogs!)

Today when they left, my son barely even said bye and didn't come out on

the porch to wave. He just said, " bye " over his shoulder while playing a game.

I asked him to turn it off and asked him to come out on the porch. But I didn't

make a big deal out of it. I was kind of glad to see that he didn't really care

that much.

I hugged him after they left and asked if he was okay. (He used to cry a lot

when they left.) He said, " Yeah, I'm fine Mom. Why? " So I think there is a

natural level of detachment that LC and their own coldness and controlling

behaviors create.

I also liked the idea of giving him something fun and happy to focus on instead.

I think this is important for all of us.

+Coal Miner's Daughter

>>

> When my children were young such as yours are, I often had moments of losing

control, and there were times my kids got caught in the crossfire

unintentionally. It happens, its unavoidable. When they came at me with

questions about the lack of grandparents in their lives, I was honest with them.

It took me a long time to figure out what to say to them, and in the end I

decided that of all things I missed when I was a child, it was honesty from my

family, even if the truth hurt, it was better than a lie. Telling my kids how

much my parents loved them, to me, was pointless. Why build up their hopes of

something out there for them only to have them shattered as they get older, and

on top of that, coming home to me with questions I couldn't answer? What would

be the point in that?

>

>> At 8 yrs old your son is old enough to know the truth... on his level of

understanding. He needs to know he need not feel ashamed, unwanted, unloved, or

less than the wonderful little boy he is, regardless of what the others do, say,

or show him. He needs to learn now to detach from the BPD ways... otherwise

there will come a day he will be in a support group such as this one, seeking

emotional help to deal with feelings of anger, mistrust, self doubt, etc. I

refused to allow my children to carry the emotional baggage I was handed through

my life, determined to break the family cycle.

> .

>

> The BPD with my grandmother was just as extreme as with nada, I always assumed

that's where nada " learned " it from (before I knew about BPD). I can vouch as a

grandchild who was taught much the way you just comforted your son about how

much they love him, etc. that he is looking at a world of hurt if you are not

honest with all of your children from the start. The earlier they learn to

understand and accept that this is just how our family is... the easier it will

be for them to survive it and go on to thrive in their own lives later. The

things my nada could have done to save me from that trauma... omg, to think

about it is just overwhelming. My nada couldn't do that for me because, as I

know now, she wasn't capable. I am, you are.

> >

> Best of luck to you on this!

>

[Guest guest]

I am glad that you mentioned this because I have been feeling a bit of pressure

to playact nice and pretend everything is okay. I have not been able to do this

very convincingly. I told that his grandparents love him, but I was

careful not to say how much or a lot or anything like that. He answered back,

" But why do they like their dogs more than me? " So I think he pretty much

understands how it really is. (They don't let kids play in the living room

because the couch and floor are " dog play areas " . My sister's kids actually

play on the screened in porch like they are the dogs!)

Today when they left, my son barely even said bye and didn't come out on

the porch to wave. He just said, " bye " over his shoulder while playing a game.

I asked him to turn it off and asked him to come out on the porch. But I didn't

make a big deal out of it. I was kind of glad to see that he didn't really care

that much.

I hugged him after they left and asked if he was okay. (He used to cry a lot

when they left.) He said, " Yeah, I'm fine Mom. Why? " So I think there is a

natural level of detachment that LC and their own coldness and controlling

behaviors create.

I also liked the idea of giving him something fun and happy to focus on instead.

I think this is important for all of us.

+Coal Miner's Daughter

>>

> When my children were young such as yours are, I often had moments of losing

control, and there were times my kids got caught in the crossfire

unintentionally. It happens, its unavoidable. When they came at me with

questions about the lack of grandparents in their lives, I was honest with them.

It took me a long time to figure out what to say to them, and in the end I

decided that of all things I missed when I was a child, it was honesty from my

family, even if the truth hurt, it was better than a lie. Telling my kids how

much my parents loved them, to me, was pointless. Why build up their hopes of

something out there for them only to have them shattered as they get older, and

on top of that, coming home to me with questions I couldn't answer? What would

be the point in that?

>

>> At 8 yrs old your son is old enough to know the truth... on his level of

understanding. He needs to know he need not feel ashamed, unwanted, unloved, or

less than the wonderful little boy he is, regardless of what the others do, say,

or show him. He needs to learn now to detach from the BPD ways... otherwise

there will come a day he will be in a support group such as this one, seeking

emotional help to deal with feelings of anger, mistrust, self doubt, etc. I

refused to allow my children to carry the emotional baggage I was handed through

my life, determined to break the family cycle.

> .

>

> The BPD with my grandmother was just as extreme as with nada, I always assumed

that's where nada " learned " it from (before I knew about BPD). I can vouch as a

grandchild who was taught much the way you just comforted your son about how

much they love him, etc. that he is looking at a world of hurt if you are not

honest with all of your children from the start. The earlier they learn to

understand and accept that this is just how our family is... the easier it will

be for them to survive it and go on to thrive in their own lives later. The

things my nada could have done to save me from that trauma... omg, to think

about it is just overwhelming. My nada couldn't do that for me because, as I

know now, she wasn't capable. I am, you are.

> >

> Best of luck to you on this!

>

[Guest guest]

Well, darn, what a shame. You ll have to leave the group now, you ve

made a mistake. You are no longer perfect.

We will miss you.

Now, taking my tongue out of my cheek:

You reacted like Nada. Can I get a witness?

So do we all , sometimes. They are called fleas. This you know. When

we find them, we recognize them, learn to see where they are at play in

our lives, and work on changing.

Note please: Difference in a KO and a BP, we WILL change. They won t.

But of course, you are trained that you can be only perfect or useless,

nothing in between. Nada s splitting leads to another instance of FOG

for you.

You had an emotional meltdown, and let it splash onto your kid. Well

now, By God that s a first. Certainly none of us has ever done so. You

must be a worthless, inadequate parent and human being.

( How am I doing at verbalizing the internal voices?)

Once, when my children were small, we were at the park. As we all got

in the car, my wife had her fingers in the door and my daughter slammed

it on them. My wife screamed as I ran around to open the door and see

to her. Then I turned on my daughter and shouted at her for not looking

and being careful. I acted like an idiot. It was an accident. My

daughter s face said it all. She was so hurt, and felt horrible enough

as it was without me adding to her guilt.

The shame of that incident still burns my face, and it was 29 years ago.

But, being parents of clay feet and imperfect demeanor, we will fall,

and we will fail. I apologized, and asked her forgiveness. And that IS

what you do. You are not a perfect woman, you will not be a perfect

mother. When you fail, you apologize and ask for forgiveness. And

guess what? You will teach your sons that they need not be perfect

either, and take that monkey off thier backs. And you will teach them

how a person acts when they do fail.

And you will take a step toward growing beyond being an Adult Child of a

Borderline Parent.

Be gentle with yourself. As I tell the folks in a group I facilitate;

you did not get as sick as you are overnight, why do you expect to get

as healthy as you want to be overnight.

As to the grandparent thing, we would all love our parents to be Grandpa

and Grandma Walton to our kids. They aren t. They won t be. We cannot

change that. So we love the kids as much as we can, let them have what

relationship with the grands they can, in a healthy way, and we are ,

above all, honest with them about it. Because trust me in this, if you

never hear another word I say, the Kids DO notice how Grandma treats

them. They do notice if they are tolerated, or ignored. They know if

they are loved. So don t be brutal about how sick the grands are. But

don t you lie to them about it. They are watching you, and they ll know

that too.

Now, one last thing, kid.

Go forgive yourself. It s ok. You made a mistake. Seek forgiveness,

and move on.

May we all heal.

Doug

[Guest guest]

Wonderful reply, as per par for you. Sharing your personal experience

especially touched me because I look up to you.

Reading this reply and others helped me to heal and overcome the overwhelming

guilt remarkably quickly. I think handling the incident with more calm and

support made a difference in my subsequent improvements in behavior.

A couple of days ago, I became REALLY irritated. Finally got the kids out of

the house for a walk and just told my oldest that I was feeling very upset and

would appreciate if he walked ahead of me for a little while. I made sure he

knew I was not angry at him, just a little tired of dealing with things after

the hospital fiasco. It has taken quite some time to get our lives back in

order - house, errands and finances with ongoing medical treaments and

appointments.

Anyway, it wasn't perfect, but the best I could do at the time. It took about

10 minutes for me to calm down, and I spared him harm from my possibly lashing

out verbally or with tone of voice.

Compared to the grandparent bashing party I had after Christmas, I thought it

was quite an improvement. So there's the change you mention that sets me apart

from my BPD mom. Little difference between the two at times perhaps, but the

difference that makes all the difference in the world: I am recognizing my

mistakes and trying to do better! Thanks!

+Coal Miner's Daughter

>> > >

> Once, when my children were small, we were at the park. As we all got

> in the car, my wife had her fingers in the door and my daughter slammed

> it on them. My wife screamed as I ran around to open the door and see

> to her. Then I turned on my daughter and shouted at her for not looking

> and being careful. I acted like an idiot. It was an accident. My

> daughter s face said it all. She was so hurt, and felt horrible enough

> as it was without me adding to her guilt.

>

> The shame of that incident still burns my face, and it was 29 years ago.

> > > >

> Now, one last thing, kid.

>

> Go forgive yourself. It s ok. You made a mistake. Seek forgiveness,

> and move on.

>

> May we all heal.

>

> Doug

>

[Guest guest]

Wonderful reply, as per par for you. Sharing your personal experience

especially touched me because I look up to you.

Reading this reply and others helped me to heal and overcome the overwhelming

guilt remarkably quickly. I think handling the incident with more calm and

support made a difference in my subsequent improvements in behavior.

A couple of days ago, I became REALLY irritated. Finally got the kids out of

the house for a walk and just told my oldest that I was feeling very upset and

would appreciate if he walked ahead of me for a little while. I made sure he

knew I was not angry at him, just a little tired of dealing with things after

the hospital fiasco. It has taken quite some time to get our lives back in

order - house, errands and finances with ongoing medical treaments and

appointments.

Anyway, it wasn't perfect, but the best I could do at the time. It took about

10 minutes for me to calm down, and I spared him harm from my possibly lashing

out verbally or with tone of voice.

Compared to the grandparent bashing party I had after Christmas, I thought it

was quite an improvement. So there's the change you mention that sets me apart

from my BPD mom. Little difference between the two at times perhaps, but the

difference that makes all the difference in the world: I am recognizing my

mistakes and trying to do better! Thanks!

+Coal Miner's Daughter

>> > >

> Once, when my children were small, we were at the park. As we all got

> in the car, my wife had her fingers in the door and my daughter slammed

> it on them. My wife screamed as I ran around to open the door and see

> to her. Then I turned on my daughter and shouted at her for not looking

> and being careful. I acted like an idiot. It was an accident. My

> daughter s face said it all. She was so hurt, and felt horrible enough

> as it was without me adding to her guilt.

>

> The shame of that incident still burns my face, and it was 29 years ago.

> > > >

> Now, one last thing, kid.

>

> Go forgive yourself. It s ok. You made a mistake. Seek forgiveness,

> and move on.

>

> May we all heal.

>

> Doug

>

[Guest guest]

Wonderful reply, as per par for you. Sharing your personal experience

especially touched me because I look up to you.

Reading this reply and others helped me to heal and overcome the overwhelming

guilt remarkably quickly. I think handling the incident with more calm and

support made a difference in my subsequent improvements in behavior.

A couple of days ago, I became REALLY irritated. Finally got the kids out of

the house for a walk and just told my oldest that I was feeling very upset and

would appreciate if he walked ahead of me for a little while. I made sure he

knew I was not angry at him, just a little tired of dealing with things after

the hospital fiasco. It has taken quite some time to get our lives back in

order - house, errands and finances with ongoing medical treaments and

appointments.

Anyway, it wasn't perfect, but the best I could do at the time. It took about

10 minutes for me to calm down, and I spared him harm from my possibly lashing

out verbally or with tone of voice.

Compared to the grandparent bashing party I had after Christmas, I thought it

was quite an improvement. So there's the change you mention that sets me apart

from my BPD mom. Little difference between the two at times perhaps, but the

difference that makes all the difference in the world: I am recognizing my

mistakes and trying to do better! Thanks!

+Coal Miner's Daughter

>> > >

> Once, when my children were small, we were at the park. As we all got

> in the car, my wife had her fingers in the door and my daughter slammed

> it on them. My wife screamed as I ran around to open the door and see

> to her. Then I turned on my daughter and shouted at her for not looking

> and being careful. I acted like an idiot. It was an accident. My

> daughter s face said it all. She was so hurt, and felt horrible enough

> as it was without me adding to her guilt.

>

> The shame of that incident still burns my face, and it was 29 years ago.

> > > >

> Now, one last thing, kid.

>

> Go forgive yourself. It s ok. You made a mistake. Seek forgiveness,

> and move on.

>

> May we all heal.

>

> Doug

>