Re: Re: Something I can't get off my mind

[Guest guest]

Yeah, I had a little brother too. i was about 10. My mom got knocked up I

heard all about the conception, and she learned what birth control was after

that. She didn't want the baby and bitched about it nonstop. Then the baby

died at about 6.5 months gestation. She has behaved ever since like she is

the only woman on earth who ever lost a child. She carried it around that

her baby died and shoves it in your face non stop. A doctor I took her to

told her she needed counseling and she flipped. And of course, i could never

live up to this baby's reputation. . .

So how did your nada react when he died? My nada enjoyed it because it gave

her something to be pittied for.

>

>

> Just a quick update, I emailed my dad & asked if he would be willing to

> make

> copies & send that information to me. If anything, maybe it can help me get

> a little closure on this issue.

>

> Mia

>

>

> On Fri, Dec 31, 2010 at 7:31 AM, Justi3

<zobimia@...<zobimia%40gmail.com>>

> wrote:

>

> > Before I type this, I want to warn you that I personally find this very

> > disturbing. I don't want to trigger anyone, but I'm not sure how to get

> > this off my mind or if any action can be taken regarding the situation.

> >

> > So 20 months ago when I moved out of state, nada had 3 weeks just like

> > everyone else to return my phone calls & email. She did the silent

> > treatment and didn't return them. So I played " baseball'. I emailed her

> > once, called her twice... that was 3 strikes... she's out of my life. I

> had

> > been contemplating going NC with her for about 2 years before this

> happened.

> >

> > Anyway, she & my dad are divorced. I went up at the end of October for an

> > impromptu visit. I missed my family & wanted to see them and dad said to

> > come on into town.

> >

> > Every time I see my dad, he asks me if I have spoken to nada. I tell him

> > no, and he says, " I honestly don't blame you " . We got to talking about

> some

> > of the things she had said & done to me & he told me something that has

> been

> > on my mind quite a lot ever since.

> >

> > I was an only child, but I was supposed to have a baby brother. My dad

> > told me that when nada was pregnant with him, she would beat on her

> stomach

> > with her fists, or pots & pans or whatever and scream out in a rage, " I

> > don't want this F***ing baby, I hope it F***ing dies " . She got her wish.

> > My baby brother died approximately 30 minutes after he was born.

> >

> > Now, I can't be 100% sure but such a big part of me says, " She killed

> him " .

> >

> > I had a girl's night out tonight with some gals I go to nursing school

> > with. I brought it up with them. They were simply speechless. One friend

> > looked at me & said, " Have you reported this? You should think about

> > reporting it. "

> >

> > I had thought about that previously, but I don't know what anyone could

> do.

> > This was probably about 30 years ago and my parents donated his little

> body

> > to science.

> >

> > When I was about 18 or 19 I asked my dad if I could see any papers he had

> > on him. He had a whole bunch of stuff. I had just taken genetics in

> > college and actually saw my little brother's genes that had somehow been

> > scanned & put onto paper. I saw his birth certificate, and his death

> > certificate and a whole bunch of other information. It was very emotional

> > for me (even though I didn't know what nada had done) and I honestly

> cannot

> > for the life of me remember what they put as cause of death.

> >

> > I really find this highly disturbing. And I really don't know how I would

> > even go about reporting it to anyone. I know I can't get legal advice

> here,

> > but I wonder if they could even do anything about it. And of course, I

> > wonder what happened to him... where he's at now. Sorry... I know that's

> > really dark, but I wish I had someplace I could go to put flowers or

> > something.

> >

> > I knew I was going to have a sibling. I was only about 3 at the time, but

> > I knew. And I have never forgotten him. I know it's kinda crazy, but

> > sometimes when I pray I talk to him too.

> >

> > I wish there was some way I could bring justice to him and frankly to me

> > too.

> >

> > Thanks for reading.

> > Mia

> >

> >

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yeah, I had a little brother too. i was about 10. My mom got knocked up I

heard all about the conception, and she learned what birth control was after

that. She didn't want the baby and bitched about it nonstop. Then the baby

died at about 6.5 months gestation. She has behaved ever since like she is

the only woman on earth who ever lost a child. She carried it around that

her baby died and shoves it in your face non stop. A doctor I took her to

told her she needed counseling and she flipped. And of course, i could never

live up to this baby's reputation. . .

So how did your nada react when he died? My nada enjoyed it because it gave

her something to be pittied for.

>

>

> Just a quick update, I emailed my dad & asked if he would be willing to

> make

> copies & send that information to me. If anything, maybe it can help me get

> a little closure on this issue.

>

> Mia

>

>

> On Fri, Dec 31, 2010 at 7:31 AM, Justi3

<zobimia@...<zobimia%40gmail.com>>

> wrote:

>

> > Before I type this, I want to warn you that I personally find this very

> > disturbing. I don't want to trigger anyone, but I'm not sure how to get

> > this off my mind or if any action can be taken regarding the situation.

> >

> > So 20 months ago when I moved out of state, nada had 3 weeks just like

> > everyone else to return my phone calls & email. She did the silent

> > treatment and didn't return them. So I played " baseball'. I emailed her

> > once, called her twice... that was 3 strikes... she's out of my life. I

> had

> > been contemplating going NC with her for about 2 years before this

> happened.

> >

> > Anyway, she & my dad are divorced. I went up at the end of October for an

> > impromptu visit. I missed my family & wanted to see them and dad said to

> > come on into town.

> >

> > Every time I see my dad, he asks me if I have spoken to nada. I tell him

> > no, and he says, " I honestly don't blame you " . We got to talking about

> some

> > of the things she had said & done to me & he told me something that has

> been

> > on my mind quite a lot ever since.

> >

> > I was an only child, but I was supposed to have a baby brother. My dad

> > told me that when nada was pregnant with him, she would beat on her

> stomach

> > with her fists, or pots & pans or whatever and scream out in a rage, " I

> > don't want this F***ing baby, I hope it F***ing dies " . She got her wish.

> > My baby brother died approximately 30 minutes after he was born.

> >

> > Now, I can't be 100% sure but such a big part of me says, " She killed

> him " .

> >

> > I had a girl's night out tonight with some gals I go to nursing school

> > with. I brought it up with them. They were simply speechless. One friend

> > looked at me & said, " Have you reported this? You should think about

> > reporting it. "

> >

> > I had thought about that previously, but I don't know what anyone could

> do.

> > This was probably about 30 years ago and my parents donated his little

> body

> > to science.

> >

> > When I was about 18 or 19 I asked my dad if I could see any papers he had

> > on him. He had a whole bunch of stuff. I had just taken genetics in

> > college and actually saw my little brother's genes that had somehow been

> > scanned & put onto paper. I saw his birth certificate, and his death

> > certificate and a whole bunch of other information. It was very emotional

> > for me (even though I didn't know what nada had done) and I honestly

> cannot

> > for the life of me remember what they put as cause of death.

> >

> > I really find this highly disturbing. And I really don't know how I would

> > even go about reporting it to anyone. I know I can't get legal advice

> here,

> > but I wonder if they could even do anything about it. And of course, I

> > wonder what happened to him... where he's at now. Sorry... I know that's

> > really dark, but I wish I had someplace I could go to put flowers or

> > something.

> >

> > I knew I was going to have a sibling. I was only about 3 at the time, but

> > I knew. And I have never forgotten him. I know it's kinda crazy, but

> > sometimes when I pray I talk to him too.

> >

> > I wish there was some way I could bring justice to him and frankly to me

> > too.

> >

> > Thanks for reading.

> > Mia

> >

> >

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yeah, I had a little brother too. i was about 10. My mom got knocked up I

heard all about the conception, and she learned what birth control was after

that. She didn't want the baby and bitched about it nonstop. Then the baby

died at about 6.5 months gestation. She has behaved ever since like she is

the only woman on earth who ever lost a child. She carried it around that

her baby died and shoves it in your face non stop. A doctor I took her to

told her she needed counseling and she flipped. And of course, i could never

live up to this baby's reputation. . .

So how did your nada react when he died? My nada enjoyed it because it gave

her something to be pittied for.

>

>

> Just a quick update, I emailed my dad & asked if he would be willing to

> make

> copies & send that information to me. If anything, maybe it can help me get

> a little closure on this issue.

>

> Mia

>

>

> On Fri, Dec 31, 2010 at 7:31 AM, Justi3

<zobimia@...<zobimia%40gmail.com>>

> wrote:

>

> > Before I type this, I want to warn you that I personally find this very

> > disturbing. I don't want to trigger anyone, but I'm not sure how to get

> > this off my mind or if any action can be taken regarding the situation.

> >

> > So 20 months ago when I moved out of state, nada had 3 weeks just like

> > everyone else to return my phone calls & email. She did the silent

> > treatment and didn't return them. So I played " baseball'. I emailed her

> > once, called her twice... that was 3 strikes... she's out of my life. I

> had

> > been contemplating going NC with her for about 2 years before this

> happened.

> >

> > Anyway, she & my dad are divorced. I went up at the end of October for an

> > impromptu visit. I missed my family & wanted to see them and dad said to

> > come on into town.

> >

> > Every time I see my dad, he asks me if I have spoken to nada. I tell him

> > no, and he says, " I honestly don't blame you " . We got to talking about

> some

> > of the things she had said & done to me & he told me something that has

> been

> > on my mind quite a lot ever since.

> >

> > I was an only child, but I was supposed to have a baby brother. My dad

> > told me that when nada was pregnant with him, she would beat on her

> stomach

> > with her fists, or pots & pans or whatever and scream out in a rage, " I

> > don't want this F***ing baby, I hope it F***ing dies " . She got her wish.

> > My baby brother died approximately 30 minutes after he was born.

> >

> > Now, I can't be 100% sure but such a big part of me says, " She killed

> him " .

> >

> > I had a girl's night out tonight with some gals I go to nursing school

> > with. I brought it up with them. They were simply speechless. One friend

> > looked at me & said, " Have you reported this? You should think about

> > reporting it. "

> >

> > I had thought about that previously, but I don't know what anyone could

> do.

> > This was probably about 30 years ago and my parents donated his little

> body

> > to science.

> >

> > When I was about 18 or 19 I asked my dad if I could see any papers he had

> > on him. He had a whole bunch of stuff. I had just taken genetics in

> > college and actually saw my little brother's genes that had somehow been

> > scanned & put onto paper. I saw his birth certificate, and his death

> > certificate and a whole bunch of other information. It was very emotional

> > for me (even though I didn't know what nada had done) and I honestly

> cannot

> > for the life of me remember what they put as cause of death.

> >

> > I really find this highly disturbing. And I really don't know how I would

> > even go about reporting it to anyone. I know I can't get legal advice

> here,

> > but I wonder if they could even do anything about it. And of course, I

> > wonder what happened to him... where he's at now. Sorry... I know that's

> > really dark, but I wish I had someplace I could go to put flowers or

> > something.

> >

> > I knew I was going to have a sibling. I was only about 3 at the time, but

> > I knew. And I have never forgotten him. I know it's kinda crazy, but

> > sometimes when I pray I talk to him too.

> >

> > I wish there was some way I could bring justice to him and frankly to me

> > too.

> >

> > Thanks for reading.

> > Mia

> >

> >

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yikes Girlscout. I mean, the whole thing you posted is disturbing, but the

part that strikes me most is that she TOLD YOU about the conception. You

were 10? Sick sick sick.

I don't know how my nada reacted. I was 3ish at the time. The only thing I

personally remember is that my grandnada's neighbors were watching me, but

at grandnada's house (I'm just goint to use GN for grandnada because my

fingers do not like typing that word lol). Anyway, I was playing on GN's

kitchen floor with some little car toys I had. I knew nada was having the

baby and I remember being excited to meet my sibling. Well, GN came in the

house and just looked at me very worried and then nada shortly behind her.

She scooped me up and just cried & cried. Then she put me down & I didn't

see her for a long time. Seems like days.... I have no idea, I was very very

young.

I also remember GN telling me that my brother went to heaven. That is about

it for what I remember.

I tried to ask GN about my brother when I was older... maybe 7 - 9 years

old. She told me he was beautiful & perfectly healthy & they didn't know why

he died. I asked where he was burried, she told me they donated his body to

science.

I think around that time I had tried asking nada about him too. Maybe I

asked her first & she didn't respond and that's why I asked GN... I don't

remember. But I DO remember trying to very gently talk to nada about it

when I was older, about 17 or 18? I think, in fact, this was shortly before

she kicked me out. I went to stay at my dad's and I think this around the

same time he showed me all the paperwork he had on my brother.

I will never forget the look on nadas face when I brought up my brother. I

was twisted... evil... yet sad & fearful. She just sort of gritted her

teeth & looked at me and very forcefully said " drop it " . You better bet

your arse that I did. I had seen that look on her face before, and it

usually preceded me getting the @)#( beat out of me. I won't lie... I will

never forget that face as long as I live and even thinking about it now

gives me the creeps. At that time, I just atributed it to a woman who was

angry & still sad about losing a child. I mean, that has GOT to be an awful

awful thing for anyone to go through.

My nada is infamous for putting up giant reinforced brick & steel walls that

span for miles; both high & wide. I know very little about her life. She

never ever let me in. From what I have read, that is often a hermit BPD

trait and one of the reasons I believe she's the witch/hermit type

primarily.

Yeah... no clue how she acted. If she used it to get pitty or not, I don't

know. She was not very often the waif.

Mia

On Fri, Dec 31, 2010 at 8:12 AM, Girlscout Cowboy <

girlscout.cowboy@...> wrote:

> Yeah, I had a little brother too. i was about 10. My mom got knocked up I

> heard all about the conception, and she learned what birth control was

> after

> that. She didn't want the baby and bitched about it nonstop. Then the baby

> died at about 6.5 months gestation. She has behaved ever since like she is

> the only woman on earth who ever lost a child. She carried it around that

> her baby died and shoves it in your face non stop. A doctor I took her to

> told her she needed counseling and she flipped. And of course, i could

> never

> live up to this baby's reputation. . .

>

> So how did your nada react when he died? My nada enjoyed it because it gave

> her something to be pittied for.

>

>

>

>

>

>

> >

> >

> > Just a quick update, I emailed my dad & asked if he would be willing to

> > make

> > copies & send that information to me. If anything, maybe it can help me

> get

> > a little closure on this issue.

> >

> > Mia

> >

> >

> > On Fri, Dec 31, 2010 at 7:31 AM, Justi3 <zobimia@...<zobimia%

> 40gmail.com>>

> > wrote:

> >

> > > Before I type this, I want to warn you that I personally find this very

> > > disturbing. I don't want to trigger anyone, but I'm not sure how to get

> > > this off my mind or if any action can be taken regarding the situation.

> > >

> > > So 20 months ago when I moved out of state, nada had 3 weeks just like

> > > everyone else to return my phone calls & email. She did the silent

> > > treatment and didn't return them. So I played " baseball'. I emailed her

> > > once, called her twice... that was 3 strikes... she's out of my life. I

> > had

> > > been contemplating going NC with her for about 2 years before this

> > happened.

> > >

> > > Anyway, she & my dad are divorced. I went up at the end of October for

> an

> > > impromptu visit. I missed my family & wanted to see them and dad said

> to

> > > come on into town.

> > >

> > > Every time I see my dad, he asks me if I have spoken to nada. I tell

> him

> > > no, and he says, " I honestly don't blame you " . We got to talking about

> > some

> > > of the things she had said & done to me & he told me something that has

> > been

> > > on my mind quite a lot ever since.

> > >

> > > I was an only child, but I was supposed to have a baby brother. My dad

> > > told me that when nada was pregnant with him, she would beat on her

> > stomach

> > > with her fists, or pots & pans or whatever and scream out in a rage, " I

> > > don't want this F***ing baby, I hope it F***ing dies " . She got her

> wish.

> > > My baby brother died approximately 30 minutes after he was born.

> > >

> > > Now, I can't be 100% sure but such a big part of me says, " She killed

> > him " .

> > >

> > > I had a girl's night out tonight with some gals I go to nursing school

> > > with. I brought it up with them. They were simply speechless. One

> friend

> > > looked at me & said, " Have you reported this? You should think about

> > > reporting it. "

> > >

> > > I had thought about that previously, but I don't know what anyone could

> > do.

> > > This was probably about 30 years ago and my parents donated his little

> > body

> > > to science.

> > >

> > > When I was about 18 or 19 I asked my dad if I could see any papers he

> had

> > > on him. He had a whole bunch of stuff. I had just taken genetics in

> > > college and actually saw my little brother's genes that had somehow

> been

> > > scanned & put onto paper. I saw his birth certificate, and his death

> > > certificate and a whole bunch of other information. It was very

> emotional

> > > for me (even though I didn't know what nada had done) and I honestly

> > cannot

> > > for the life of me remember what they put as cause of death.

> > >

> > > I really find this highly disturbing. And I really don't know how I

> would

> > > even go about reporting it to anyone. I know I can't get legal advice

> > here,

> > > but I wonder if they could even do anything about it. And of course, I

> > > wonder what happened to him... where he's at now. Sorry... I know

> that's

> > > really dark, but I wish I had someplace I could go to put flowers or

> > > something.

> > >

> > > I knew I was going to have a sibling. I was only about 3 at the time,

> but

> > > I knew. And I have never forgotten him. I know it's kinda crazy, but

> > > sometimes when I pray I talk to him too.

> > >

> > > I wish there was some way I could bring justice to him and frankly to

> me

> > > too.

> > >

> > > Thanks for reading.

> > > Mia

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Yikes Girlscout. I mean, the whole thing you posted is disturbing, but the

part that strikes me most is that she TOLD YOU about the conception. You

were 10? Sick sick sick.

I don't know how my nada reacted. I was 3ish at the time. The only thing I

personally remember is that my grandnada's neighbors were watching me, but

at grandnada's house (I'm just goint to use GN for grandnada because my

fingers do not like typing that word lol). Anyway, I was playing on GN's

kitchen floor with some little car toys I had. I knew nada was having the

baby and I remember being excited to meet my sibling. Well, GN came in the

house and just looked at me very worried and then nada shortly behind her.

She scooped me up and just cried & cried. Then she put me down & I didn't

see her for a long time. Seems like days.... I have no idea, I was very very

young.

I also remember GN telling me that my brother went to heaven. That is about

it for what I remember.

I tried to ask GN about my brother when I was older... maybe 7 - 9 years

old. She told me he was beautiful & perfectly healthy & they didn't know why

he died. I asked where he was burried, she told me they donated his body to

science.

I think around that time I had tried asking nada about him too. Maybe I

asked her first & she didn't respond and that's why I asked GN... I don't

remember. But I DO remember trying to very gently talk to nada about it

when I was older, about 17 or 18? I think, in fact, this was shortly before

she kicked me out. I went to stay at my dad's and I think this around the

same time he showed me all the paperwork he had on my brother.

I will never forget the look on nadas face when I brought up my brother. I

was twisted... evil... yet sad & fearful. She just sort of gritted her

teeth & looked at me and very forcefully said " drop it " . You better bet

your arse that I did. I had seen that look on her face before, and it

usually preceded me getting the @)#( beat out of me. I won't lie... I will

never forget that face as long as I live and even thinking about it now

gives me the creeps. At that time, I just atributed it to a woman who was

angry & still sad about losing a child. I mean, that has GOT to be an awful

awful thing for anyone to go through.

My nada is infamous for putting up giant reinforced brick & steel walls that

span for miles; both high & wide. I know very little about her life. She

never ever let me in. From what I have read, that is often a hermit BPD

trait and one of the reasons I believe she's the witch/hermit type

primarily.

Yeah... no clue how she acted. If she used it to get pitty or not, I don't

know. She was not very often the waif.

Mia

On Fri, Dec 31, 2010 at 8:12 AM, Girlscout Cowboy <

girlscout.cowboy@...> wrote:

> Yeah, I had a little brother too. i was about 10. My mom got knocked up I

> heard all about the conception, and she learned what birth control was

> after

> that. She didn't want the baby and bitched about it nonstop. Then the baby

> died at about 6.5 months gestation. She has behaved ever since like she is

> the only woman on earth who ever lost a child. She carried it around that

> her baby died and shoves it in your face non stop. A doctor I took her to

> told her she needed counseling and she flipped. And of course, i could

> never

> live up to this baby's reputation. . .

>

> So how did your nada react when he died? My nada enjoyed it because it gave

> her something to be pittied for.

>

>

>

>

>

>

> >

> >

> > Just a quick update, I emailed my dad & asked if he would be willing to

> > make

> > copies & send that information to me. If anything, maybe it can help me

> get

> > a little closure on this issue.

> >

> > Mia

> >

> >

> > On Fri, Dec 31, 2010 at 7:31 AM, Justi3 <zobimia@...<zobimia%

> 40gmail.com>>

> > wrote:

> >

> > > Before I type this, I want to warn you that I personally find this very

> > > disturbing. I don't want to trigger anyone, but I'm not sure how to get

> > > this off my mind or if any action can be taken regarding the situation.

> > >

> > > So 20 months ago when I moved out of state, nada had 3 weeks just like

> > > everyone else to return my phone calls & email. She did the silent

> > > treatment and didn't return them. So I played " baseball'. I emailed her

> > > once, called her twice... that was 3 strikes... she's out of my life. I

> > had

> > > been contemplating going NC with her for about 2 years before this

> > happened.

> > >

> > > Anyway, she & my dad are divorced. I went up at the end of October for

> an

> > > impromptu visit. I missed my family & wanted to see them and dad said

> to

> > > come on into town.

> > >

> > > Every time I see my dad, he asks me if I have spoken to nada. I tell

> him

> > > no, and he says, " I honestly don't blame you " . We got to talking about

> > some

> > > of the things she had said & done to me & he told me something that has

> > been

> > > on my mind quite a lot ever since.

> > >

> > > I was an only child, but I was supposed to have a baby brother. My dad

> > > told me that when nada was pregnant with him, she would beat on her

> > stomach

> > > with her fists, or pots & pans or whatever and scream out in a rage, " I

> > > don't want this F***ing baby, I hope it F***ing dies " . She got her

> wish.

> > > My baby brother died approximately 30 minutes after he was born.

> > >

> > > Now, I can't be 100% sure but such a big part of me says, " She killed

> > him " .

> > >

> > > I had a girl's night out tonight with some gals I go to nursing school

> > > with. I brought it up with them. They were simply speechless. One

> friend

> > > looked at me & said, " Have you reported this? You should think about

> > > reporting it. "

> > >

> > > I had thought about that previously, but I don't know what anyone could

> > do.

> > > This was probably about 30 years ago and my parents donated his little

> > body

> > > to science.

> > >

> > > When I was about 18 or 19 I asked my dad if I could see any papers he

> had

> > > on him. He had a whole bunch of stuff. I had just taken genetics in

> > > college and actually saw my little brother's genes that had somehow

> been

> > > scanned & put onto paper. I saw his birth certificate, and his death

> > > certificate and a whole bunch of other information. It was very

> emotional

> > > for me (even though I didn't know what nada had done) and I honestly

> > cannot

> > > for the life of me remember what they put as cause of death.

> > >

> > > I really find this highly disturbing. And I really don't know how I

> would

> > > even go about reporting it to anyone. I know I can't get legal advice

> > here,

> > > but I wonder if they could even do anything about it. And of course, I

> > > wonder what happened to him... where he's at now. Sorry... I know

> that's

> > > really dark, but I wish I had someplace I could go to put flowers or

> > > something.

> > >

> > > I knew I was going to have a sibling. I was only about 3 at the time,

> but

> > > I knew. And I have never forgotten him. I know it's kinda crazy, but

> > > sometimes when I pray I talk to him too.

> > >

> > > I wish there was some way I could bring justice to him and frankly to

> me

> > > too.

> > >

> > > Thanks for reading.

> > > Mia

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Wow my dad replied quickly. Usually he only checks his emails every few

days, I must have caught him on an email day lol.

This is what he said:

" As far as your Brother goes. What I recall is his penis had an obstruction

that would not allow him to urinate in the womb, which caused the urine to

back up into his system and did not allow other organs to develop as they

should have. But in my memory he did not look " normal " .... hard for me to

explain, not painful just difficult to recall. His ears did not seem to be

placed just right, so I believe there were other problems too. I also

believe that if he had lived it would not have been a quality life. "

Interesting and sad =( My dad also said if he can find that paperwork he'll

send copies.

He suspects his mom may have been BPD. Now, what I remember of her was all

very nice & pleasant. But, I do know a lot about how she was when I wasn't

around her. Sadly, she comited suicide when I was 11. From what my dad &

even nada have told me, if she is BPD she would be the waif. I gave my dad

a link to that behavioral health blog & told him to have a read & let me

know what he thought.

I feel like I'm seeing borderline everywhere.... Is it really so common? Am

I delusional? Or is my family REALLY just that full of BPD?

I'm so glad I had decided a LONG time ago that I do not want bio children.

Not that KO's shouldn't reproduce, not trying to say that. But in my case,

I'm not interested one bit. So my surgery next month is no big deal, but

rather a godsend. I got tired of hearing " but you're too young for that " .

Ugh. Take it, please. I have no use to reproduce & spread craziness and

other health issues to anyone else. (again, not said to be offensive, just

my opinion for myself).

Mia

[Guest guest]

Wow my dad replied quickly. Usually he only checks his emails every few

days, I must have caught him on an email day lol.

This is what he said:

" As far as your Brother goes. What I recall is his penis had an obstruction

that would not allow him to urinate in the womb, which caused the urine to

back up into his system and did not allow other organs to develop as they

should have. But in my memory he did not look " normal " .... hard for me to

explain, not painful just difficult to recall. His ears did not seem to be

placed just right, so I believe there were other problems too. I also

believe that if he had lived it would not have been a quality life. "

Interesting and sad =( My dad also said if he can find that paperwork he'll

send copies.

He suspects his mom may have been BPD. Now, what I remember of her was all

very nice & pleasant. But, I do know a lot about how she was when I wasn't

around her. Sadly, she comited suicide when I was 11. From what my dad &

even nada have told me, if she is BPD she would be the waif. I gave my dad

a link to that behavioral health blog & told him to have a read & let me

know what he thought.

I feel like I'm seeing borderline everywhere.... Is it really so common? Am

I delusional? Or is my family REALLY just that full of BPD?

I'm so glad I had decided a LONG time ago that I do not want bio children.

Not that KO's shouldn't reproduce, not trying to say that. But in my case,

I'm not interested one bit. So my surgery next month is no big deal, but

rather a godsend. I got tired of hearing " but you're too young for that " .

Ugh. Take it, please. I have no use to reproduce & spread craziness and

other health issues to anyone else. (again, not said to be offensive, just

my opinion for myself).

Mia

[Guest guest]

Wow my dad replied quickly. Usually he only checks his emails every few

days, I must have caught him on an email day lol.

This is what he said:

" As far as your Brother goes. What I recall is his penis had an obstruction

that would not allow him to urinate in the womb, which caused the urine to

back up into his system and did not allow other organs to develop as they

should have. But in my memory he did not look " normal " .... hard for me to

explain, not painful just difficult to recall. His ears did not seem to be

placed just right, so I believe there were other problems too. I also

believe that if he had lived it would not have been a quality life. "

Interesting and sad =( My dad also said if he can find that paperwork he'll

send copies.

He suspects his mom may have been BPD. Now, what I remember of her was all

very nice & pleasant. But, I do know a lot about how she was when I wasn't

around her. Sadly, she comited suicide when I was 11. From what my dad &

even nada have told me, if she is BPD she would be the waif. I gave my dad

a link to that behavioral health blog & told him to have a read & let me

know what he thought.

I feel like I'm seeing borderline everywhere.... Is it really so common? Am

I delusional? Or is my family REALLY just that full of BPD?

I'm so glad I had decided a LONG time ago that I do not want bio children.

Not that KO's shouldn't reproduce, not trying to say that. But in my case,

I'm not interested one bit. So my surgery next month is no big deal, but

rather a godsend. I got tired of hearing " but you're too young for that " .

Ugh. Take it, please. I have no use to reproduce & spread craziness and

other health issues to anyone else. (again, not said to be offensive, just

my opinion for myself).

Mia

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry it made you cry, Annie =( It makes me cry too. It also makes me

want to curse my nada into the depths of hell.

Funnily enough, I have an idea for a foundation I want to create. I'd like

some day to create a non-profit organization that helps struggling adult

survivors of child abuse get the help they need either free or low cost

(therapy, etc) and also would like to help adult survivors who are working

to get well get back on their feet and get an education. I would really

love to do that some day. I don't know if it will ever happen, but first I

have to finish my education and start making better money so I can work on

that. But yes, it is a huge dream of mine. It's kind of corny, but I was

thinking of calling it " the survivor to thriver foundation "

It would be awesome to name the foundation after him... the [my brother's

name] survivor to thriver foundation. Now I'm really choked up. But

really, ty. That's such a fabulous idea. I only hope I can make it happen

some day.

Mia

On Fri, Dec 31, 2010 at 11:46 AM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> Your story made me cry. That is a shocking thing to learn; what an

> appallingly graphic demonstration of how deeply disturbed your nada was

> then, and still is. I'm not sure whether after 30 years there is any kind of

> legal recourse for you, although if I'm remembering correctly there is no

> statute of limitations on murder. But even if she were charged with murder

> at this point in time, there is no hard evidence and it would be your

> father's word against hers.

>

> Since there is no grave-site you know of, maybe you could create a memorial

> to your little brother in the form of a scholarship fund, perhaps. Or, make

> a donation in his name to one of the organizations that helps promote

> awareness and prevention of child abuse and neglect. I think that would be a

> very positive way to recognize your little brother's brief life: helping

> other kids in his name.

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry it made you cry, Annie =( It makes me cry too. It also makes me

want to curse my nada into the depths of hell.

Funnily enough, I have an idea for a foundation I want to create. I'd like

some day to create a non-profit organization that helps struggling adult

survivors of child abuse get the help they need either free or low cost

(therapy, etc) and also would like to help adult survivors who are working

to get well get back on their feet and get an education. I would really

love to do that some day. I don't know if it will ever happen, but first I

have to finish my education and start making better money so I can work on

that. But yes, it is a huge dream of mine. It's kind of corny, but I was

thinking of calling it " the survivor to thriver foundation "

It would be awesome to name the foundation after him... the [my brother's

name] survivor to thriver foundation. Now I'm really choked up. But

really, ty. That's such a fabulous idea. I only hope I can make it happen

some day.

Mia

On Fri, Dec 31, 2010 at 11:46 AM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> Your story made me cry. That is a shocking thing to learn; what an

> appallingly graphic demonstration of how deeply disturbed your nada was

> then, and still is. I'm not sure whether after 30 years there is any kind of

> legal recourse for you, although if I'm remembering correctly there is no

> statute of limitations on murder. But even if she were charged with murder

> at this point in time, there is no hard evidence and it would be your

> father's word against hers.

>

> Since there is no grave-site you know of, maybe you could create a memorial

> to your little brother in the form of a scholarship fund, perhaps. Or, make

> a donation in his name to one of the organizations that helps promote

> awareness and prevention of child abuse and neglect. I think that would be a

> very positive way to recognize your little brother's brief life: helping

> other kids in his name.

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry it made you cry, Annie =( It makes me cry too. It also makes me

want to curse my nada into the depths of hell.

Funnily enough, I have an idea for a foundation I want to create. I'd like

some day to create a non-profit organization that helps struggling adult

survivors of child abuse get the help they need either free or low cost

(therapy, etc) and also would like to help adult survivors who are working

to get well get back on their feet and get an education. I would really

love to do that some day. I don't know if it will ever happen, but first I

have to finish my education and start making better money so I can work on

that. But yes, it is a huge dream of mine. It's kind of corny, but I was

thinking of calling it " the survivor to thriver foundation "

It would be awesome to name the foundation after him... the [my brother's

name] survivor to thriver foundation. Now I'm really choked up. But

really, ty. That's such a fabulous idea. I only hope I can make it happen

some day.

Mia

On Fri, Dec 31, 2010 at 11:46 AM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> Your story made me cry. That is a shocking thing to learn; what an

> appallingly graphic demonstration of how deeply disturbed your nada was

> then, and still is. I'm not sure whether after 30 years there is any kind of

> legal recourse for you, although if I'm remembering correctly there is no

> statute of limitations on murder. But even if she were charged with murder

> at this point in time, there is no hard evidence and it would be your

> father's word against hers.

>

> Since there is no grave-site you know of, maybe you could create a memorial

> to your little brother in the form of a scholarship fund, perhaps. Or, make

> a donation in his name to one of the organizations that helps promote

> awareness and prevention of child abuse and neglect. I think that would be a

> very positive way to recognize your little brother's brief life: helping

> other kids in his name.

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

No, it was a hospital birth. They had the neigbhor who was good friends

with my grandma come stay with me at my grandma's house. They kept my mom

over night or maybe 2 nights. Both my grandparents were gone, I was with

the neighbor lady (who I adored anyway). So yeah, I knew that I had a

sibling coming and I do remember being excited when I saw my grandma walk

in, but after seeing her face I knew something was wrong.

He died about 30 minutes after he was born at the hospital.

On Fri, Dec 31, 2010 at 12:28 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> So, I'm getting the impression that it was a home birth, and the baby died

> a few hours after birth? Enough time had passed so that your nada was able

> to get up and walk into the room where you were just after your grandmother

> came into the room to scoop you up?

>

> -Annie

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks . Who knows, maybe one day we would end up working together

on it? lol. Right now, I'm very much in anonymous stage though and I would

imagine many of us here are. But who knows where fate takes us? I just

hope that fate helps me make this happen some day. I've been dreaming about

this for over a year now.

The idea for putting my brother's name in... totally stole that from Annie.

It is a beautiful idea. I'm grateful she gave it to me!

Mia

On Fri, Dec 31, 2010 at 2:47 PM, christine.depizan <

christine.depizan@...> wrote:

>

>

> That's such a beautiful idea,Mia.And I love the name, " Survivor to Thriver "

> foundation,it isn't corny at all,it's perfect.I have also dreamed of doing

> something like this and would like to take some courses to learn how to set

> up a non profit.A foundation like this is so needed.That would be so

> wonderful if you could make it happen!

>

> Naming the foundation after your brother is a beautiful idea,too.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I completely understand what you're saying here & can absolutely relate. I

too have a long way to go, and I once learned in group therapy that healing

takes as long as it takes. You can't force it or rush it. It just takes

time. It was from a book about grief called " tear soup " or something like

that. It was really quite a beautiful & touching book with lovely pictures

as well. I enjoyed it. I too will probably be working well past retirement

due to what life has thrown at me. I imagine many of us here have our own

mental issues we are dealing with. Mine came in the form of depression &

really severe PTSD. I can't believe how far I've come in 3 years. It was

so bad =( I would hallucinate and have flashbacks so often. At first I

didn't know what was going on with the hallucinations and ended up with a

misdiagnosis by a former psychiatrist. Finally when I sought a new

therapist, she helped me figure it out. I was hearing things that nada had

said to me, but it wasn't her voice. It was like this horribly creepy

" demonic " type voice. I had assumed for years that I was schizoaffective

and when she said that sometimes people with PTSD hallucinate too... I was

so shocked! She helped me so much, taught me how to counter what was going

on. I also dissociated sometimes. Not like someone with DID would, but I

would just wander off. I have gotten so much better. But, lately with the

enormous stress I've been under I've been going a bit backwards. I've been

having more flashbacks and some slight disassociation. I can't even begin

to describe to you how horrifying that is since I felt I was on the path to

recovery. It's also horrifying from the standpoint of a nursing student.

If they knew that, would they allow me to be a nurse? I think it is

situational though, given that my health issues suddenly & dramaticaly got

worse and due to it, I'm sitting out of school right now and have to have

major surgery next month. I feel like my future is once again hanging by a

thread.

My PTSD was so bad that I was hospitalized a few times about 4 years ago.

They kept encouraging me to apply for disability. I was raised that you DO

NOT put your hand out, ever! I didn't want to, so I kept on working

somehow. But the last time I was in the hospital they actually talked to my

now-ex-husband and he talked me into it. I was reluctant and figured I

would be denied, but amazingly I was approved. I am FOREVER grateful for

that! It gave me the opportunity to REALLY do some work, get the help I

needed and improve my mental health. Now, I'm facing a reevaluation. So

that too is hanging by a thread. I'm not sure that I would be able to

handle working & going to school right now, and honestly if I had not had to

sit out, it probably wouldn't be a problem due to me working with vocational

rehabilitation. Voc rehab is still in my corner, but I have no idea if I'm

still considered in their system or not due to sitting out. So I could very

well lose my very small income which would lead to me not being able to go

back to school & being forced into getting a job when my doctors & therapist

don't feel that I'm quite ready yet.

Wow, I've really dumped here. Sorry about that. But yeah... I'm dealing

with a ton right now. Not to mention my fiance's ex wife who is very very

likely BPD. My T thinks that she triggers me and that's why I've been

having a difficult time lately too.

In July, I had " graduated " from antidepressants. I was SO happy! I had

doc's blessing to wean off as long as I promised to reconsider them if the

depression ever got bad again. So Monday... I'll probably be going back on

them. Again, I feel like I've failed and fallen backwards.

I just keep hoping & praying that everything works out for the best. As odd

as it sounds, I think my life experiences have shaped me and prepared me to

be a nurse. And not just a nurse, but a good nurse. Maybe some day a great

nurse. I can empathise with my clients because I have experienced the

horrors of mental illness as well as the hideous pain of physiological

illness as well.

, I hope you will shoot for your dreams. Write that novel, and

please let us know when it's published so we can all run out & buy it! I

love to read. I like to write too but I'm not the best writer. Though I

have started a couple of blogs LOL. One is " Dr. Douchebag " - about horrible

doctors I've had in my life (lol, I know the name ins't nice, but it's funny

to me). It's also a way for me to help myself advocate for myself and maybe

inspire others to be their own advocate when it comes to their health care.

Sadly I don't keep up on blogging every day. The other one I just started

the other night and it is about BPD and will be a way for me to express my

thoughts on BPD & dealing with leaving a BPD mother only to run into a BPD

ex wife.

I am so sorry I'm so long winded. I guess I did really need to dump all

that worry off of my chest. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time

and not get overwhelmed. I do my breathing techniques & meditation every

day and am still managing to keep a smile on my face (most of the time).

But yes, right now, life is hard. And I do feel like if I had been blessed

with a " normal " mother, perhaps I would have been on track a lot sooner.

Now, I'll shut up. If anyone manages to read this whole thing, you're my

hero! Oh, and quickly, I do also want to apologise if my writing is hard to

follow. I had to take some pain medication today. Hate taking it, but

yeah... pain was pretty bad.

Mia

On Fri, Dec 31, 2010 at 3:27 PM, christine.depizan <

christine.depizan@...> wrote:

>

>

> Annie comes up with many great ideas on here

>

> I know that I still have healing to do before I could devote myself to a

> project like this.I honestly hate that it's this way but I can't force my

> healing along,only go with it as it goes.I have a feeling that,if I am

> able,I'm going to be working well after the age of retirement because I have

> so much catching up to do with what I want to do and I want to do something

> with my suffering eventually that benefits others.

>

> In the coming year I'm going to be switching directions.I work in business

> and I hate it but I've learned so much from it.I am either going to go back

> to school this next year or start working on a novel I want to write.There

> is,in fact,always so much to explore in life and like you said,who knows

> where fate might take us?

>

> Your dream is such a worthwhile one---when the time is right for you to

> begin to implement it in real terms,I believe you will know And,yes,who

> knows,maybe one day we'll end up making it happen,some of us together from

> this very WTO board.That would be awesome,huh?

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I completely understand what you're saying here & can absolutely relate. I

too have a long way to go, and I once learned in group therapy that healing

takes as long as it takes. You can't force it or rush it. It just takes

time. It was from a book about grief called " tear soup " or something like

that. It was really quite a beautiful & touching book with lovely pictures

as well. I enjoyed it. I too will probably be working well past retirement

due to what life has thrown at me. I imagine many of us here have our own

mental issues we are dealing with. Mine came in the form of depression &

really severe PTSD. I can't believe how far I've come in 3 years. It was

so bad =( I would hallucinate and have flashbacks so often. At first I

didn't know what was going on with the hallucinations and ended up with a

misdiagnosis by a former psychiatrist. Finally when I sought a new

therapist, she helped me figure it out. I was hearing things that nada had

said to me, but it wasn't her voice. It was like this horribly creepy

" demonic " type voice. I had assumed for years that I was schizoaffective

and when she said that sometimes people with PTSD hallucinate too... I was

so shocked! She helped me so much, taught me how to counter what was going

on. I also dissociated sometimes. Not like someone with DID would, but I

would just wander off. I have gotten so much better. But, lately with the

enormous stress I've been under I've been going a bit backwards. I've been

having more flashbacks and some slight disassociation. I can't even begin

to describe to you how horrifying that is since I felt I was on the path to

recovery. It's also horrifying from the standpoint of a nursing student.

If they knew that, would they allow me to be a nurse? I think it is

situational though, given that my health issues suddenly & dramaticaly got

worse and due to it, I'm sitting out of school right now and have to have

major surgery next month. I feel like my future is once again hanging by a

thread.

My PTSD was so bad that I was hospitalized a few times about 4 years ago.

They kept encouraging me to apply for disability. I was raised that you DO

NOT put your hand out, ever! I didn't want to, so I kept on working

somehow. But the last time I was in the hospital they actually talked to my

now-ex-husband and he talked me into it. I was reluctant and figured I

would be denied, but amazingly I was approved. I am FOREVER grateful for

that! It gave me the opportunity to REALLY do some work, get the help I

needed and improve my mental health. Now, I'm facing a reevaluation. So

that too is hanging by a thread. I'm not sure that I would be able to

handle working & going to school right now, and honestly if I had not had to

sit out, it probably wouldn't be a problem due to me working with vocational

rehabilitation. Voc rehab is still in my corner, but I have no idea if I'm

still considered in their system or not due to sitting out. So I could very

well lose my very small income which would lead to me not being able to go

back to school & being forced into getting a job when my doctors & therapist

don't feel that I'm quite ready yet.

Wow, I've really dumped here. Sorry about that. But yeah... I'm dealing

with a ton right now. Not to mention my fiance's ex wife who is very very

likely BPD. My T thinks that she triggers me and that's why I've been

having a difficult time lately too.

In July, I had " graduated " from antidepressants. I was SO happy! I had

doc's blessing to wean off as long as I promised to reconsider them if the

depression ever got bad again. So Monday... I'll probably be going back on

them. Again, I feel like I've failed and fallen backwards.

I just keep hoping & praying that everything works out for the best. As odd

as it sounds, I think my life experiences have shaped me and prepared me to

be a nurse. And not just a nurse, but a good nurse. Maybe some day a great

nurse. I can empathise with my clients because I have experienced the

horrors of mental illness as well as the hideous pain of physiological

illness as well.

, I hope you will shoot for your dreams. Write that novel, and

please let us know when it's published so we can all run out & buy it! I

love to read. I like to write too but I'm not the best writer. Though I

have started a couple of blogs LOL. One is " Dr. Douchebag " - about horrible

doctors I've had in my life (lol, I know the name ins't nice, but it's funny

to me). It's also a way for me to help myself advocate for myself and maybe

inspire others to be their own advocate when it comes to their health care.

Sadly I don't keep up on blogging every day. The other one I just started

the other night and it is about BPD and will be a way for me to express my

thoughts on BPD & dealing with leaving a BPD mother only to run into a BPD

ex wife.

I am so sorry I'm so long winded. I guess I did really need to dump all

that worry off of my chest. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time

and not get overwhelmed. I do my breathing techniques & meditation every

day and am still managing to keep a smile on my face (most of the time).

But yes, right now, life is hard. And I do feel like if I had been blessed

with a " normal " mother, perhaps I would have been on track a lot sooner.

Now, I'll shut up. If anyone manages to read this whole thing, you're my

hero! Oh, and quickly, I do also want to apologise if my writing is hard to

follow. I had to take some pain medication today. Hate taking it, but

yeah... pain was pretty bad.

Mia

On Fri, Dec 31, 2010 at 3:27 PM, christine.depizan <

christine.depizan@...> wrote:

>

>

> Annie comes up with many great ideas on here

>

> I know that I still have healing to do before I could devote myself to a

> project like this.I honestly hate that it's this way but I can't force my

> healing along,only go with it as it goes.I have a feeling that,if I am

> able,I'm going to be working well after the age of retirement because I have

> so much catching up to do with what I want to do and I want to do something

> with my suffering eventually that benefits others.

>

> In the coming year I'm going to be switching directions.I work in business

> and I hate it but I've learned so much from it.I am either going to go back

> to school this next year or start working on a novel I want to write.There

> is,in fact,always so much to explore in life and like you said,who knows

> where fate might take us?

>

> Your dream is such a worthwhile one---when the time is right for you to

> begin to implement it in real terms,I believe you will know And,yes,who

> knows,maybe one day we'll end up making it happen,some of us together from

> this very WTO board.That would be awesome,huh?

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I completely understand what you're saying here & can absolutely relate. I

too have a long way to go, and I once learned in group therapy that healing

takes as long as it takes. You can't force it or rush it. It just takes

time. It was from a book about grief called " tear soup " or something like

that. It was really quite a beautiful & touching book with lovely pictures

as well. I enjoyed it. I too will probably be working well past retirement

due to what life has thrown at me. I imagine many of us here have our own

mental issues we are dealing with. Mine came in the form of depression &

really severe PTSD. I can't believe how far I've come in 3 years. It was

so bad =( I would hallucinate and have flashbacks so often. At first I

didn't know what was going on with the hallucinations and ended up with a

misdiagnosis by a former psychiatrist. Finally when I sought a new

therapist, she helped me figure it out. I was hearing things that nada had

said to me, but it wasn't her voice. It was like this horribly creepy

" demonic " type voice. I had assumed for years that I was schizoaffective

and when she said that sometimes people with PTSD hallucinate too... I was

so shocked! She helped me so much, taught me how to counter what was going

on. I also dissociated sometimes. Not like someone with DID would, but I

would just wander off. I have gotten so much better. But, lately with the

enormous stress I've been under I've been going a bit backwards. I've been

having more flashbacks and some slight disassociation. I can't even begin

to describe to you how horrifying that is since I felt I was on the path to

recovery. It's also horrifying from the standpoint of a nursing student.

If they knew that, would they allow me to be a nurse? I think it is

situational though, given that my health issues suddenly & dramaticaly got

worse and due to it, I'm sitting out of school right now and have to have

major surgery next month. I feel like my future is once again hanging by a

thread.

My PTSD was so bad that I was hospitalized a few times about 4 years ago.

They kept encouraging me to apply for disability. I was raised that you DO

NOT put your hand out, ever! I didn't want to, so I kept on working

somehow. But the last time I was in the hospital they actually talked to my

now-ex-husband and he talked me into it. I was reluctant and figured I

would be denied, but amazingly I was approved. I am FOREVER grateful for

that! It gave me the opportunity to REALLY do some work, get the help I

needed and improve my mental health. Now, I'm facing a reevaluation. So

that too is hanging by a thread. I'm not sure that I would be able to

handle working & going to school right now, and honestly if I had not had to

sit out, it probably wouldn't be a problem due to me working with vocational

rehabilitation. Voc rehab is still in my corner, but I have no idea if I'm

still considered in their system or not due to sitting out. So I could very

well lose my very small income which would lead to me not being able to go

back to school & being forced into getting a job when my doctors & therapist

don't feel that I'm quite ready yet.

Wow, I've really dumped here. Sorry about that. But yeah... I'm dealing

with a ton right now. Not to mention my fiance's ex wife who is very very

likely BPD. My T thinks that she triggers me and that's why I've been

having a difficult time lately too.

In July, I had " graduated " from antidepressants. I was SO happy! I had

doc's blessing to wean off as long as I promised to reconsider them if the

depression ever got bad again. So Monday... I'll probably be going back on

them. Again, I feel like I've failed and fallen backwards.

I just keep hoping & praying that everything works out for the best. As odd

as it sounds, I think my life experiences have shaped me and prepared me to

be a nurse. And not just a nurse, but a good nurse. Maybe some day a great

nurse. I can empathise with my clients because I have experienced the

horrors of mental illness as well as the hideous pain of physiological

illness as well.

, I hope you will shoot for your dreams. Write that novel, and

please let us know when it's published so we can all run out & buy it! I

love to read. I like to write too but I'm not the best writer. Though I

have started a couple of blogs LOL. One is " Dr. Douchebag " - about horrible

doctors I've had in my life (lol, I know the name ins't nice, but it's funny

to me). It's also a way for me to help myself advocate for myself and maybe

inspire others to be their own advocate when it comes to their health care.

Sadly I don't keep up on blogging every day. The other one I just started

the other night and it is about BPD and will be a way for me to express my

thoughts on BPD & dealing with leaving a BPD mother only to run into a BPD

ex wife.

I am so sorry I'm so long winded. I guess I did really need to dump all

that worry off of my chest. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time

and not get overwhelmed. I do my breathing techniques & meditation every

day and am still managing to keep a smile on my face (most of the time).

But yes, right now, life is hard. And I do feel like if I had been blessed

with a " normal " mother, perhaps I would have been on track a lot sooner.

Now, I'll shut up. If anyone manages to read this whole thing, you're my

hero! Oh, and quickly, I do also want to apologise if my writing is hard to

follow. I had to take some pain medication today. Hate taking it, but

yeah... pain was pretty bad.

Mia

On Fri, Dec 31, 2010 at 3:27 PM, christine.depizan <

christine.depizan@...> wrote:

>

>

> Annie comes up with many great ideas on here

>

> I know that I still have healing to do before I could devote myself to a

> project like this.I honestly hate that it's this way but I can't force my

> healing along,only go with it as it goes.I have a feeling that,if I am

> able,I'm going to be working well after the age of retirement because I have

> so much catching up to do with what I want to do and I want to do something

> with my suffering eventually that benefits others.

>

> In the coming year I'm going to be switching directions.I work in business

> and I hate it but I've learned so much from it.I am either going to go back

> to school this next year or start working on a novel I want to write.There

> is,in fact,always so much to explore in life and like you said,who knows

> where fate might take us?

>

> Your dream is such a worthwhile one---when the time is right for you to

> begin to implement it in real terms,I believe you will know And,yes,who

> knows,maybe one day we'll end up making it happen,some of us together from

> this very WTO board.That would be awesome,huh?

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

As you have all probably noticed, I am long winded. I also had one more

thing to say regarding the disability. I really really can't wait for the

day to get OFF of it. It's so hard to " have my hand out " as nada would say,

but that's what it's there for... to help folks who need it. Unfortunately

there are people out there who abuse the system and I constantly fear that

people think I am one of them. I guarantee you that's not the case. I was

hoping to finish school in June, take my state boards in July & be working

by August & off of it all. But now, depending on when I'm " fit for duty " I

won't be able to go back until March or maybe even April. Depends how well

my body heals and typical for this type of surgery is 6 - 8 weeks.

Anyway, just wanted to add that. I can't wait to go back to work & GIVE

BACK because I really have recieved more than I ever thought I deserved.

It's a strange kind of blessing.

Mia

> I completely understand what you're saying here & can absolutely relate. I

> too have a long way to go, and I once learned in group therapy that healing

> takes as long as it takes. You can't force it or rush it. It just takes

> time. It was from a book about grief called " tear soup " or something like

> that. It was really quite a beautiful & touching book with lovely pictures

> as well. I enjoyed it. I too will probably be working well past retirement

> due to what life has thrown at me. I imagine many of us here have our own

> mental issues we are dealing with. Mine came in the form of depression &

> really severe PTSD. I can't believe how far I've come in 3 years. It was

> so bad =( I would hallucinate and have flashbacks so often. At first I

> didn't know what was going on with the hallucinations and ended up with a

> misdiagnosis by a former psychiatrist. Finally when I sought a new

> therapist, she helped me figure it out. I was hearing things that nada had

> said to me, but it wasn't her voice. It was like this horribly creepy

> " demonic " type voice. I had assumed for years that I was schizoaffective

> and when she said that sometimes people with PTSD hallucinate too... I was

> so shocked! She helped me so much, taught me how to counter what was going

> on. I also dissociated sometimes. Not like someone with DID would, but I

> would just wander off. I have gotten so much better. But, lately with the

> enormous stress I've been under I've been going a bit backwards. I've been

> having more flashbacks and some slight disassociation. I can't even begin

> to describe to you how horrifying that is since I felt I was on the path to

> recovery. It's also horrifying from the standpoint of a nursing student.

> If they knew that, would they allow me to be a nurse? I think it is

> situational though, given that my health issues suddenly & dramaticaly got

> worse and due to it, I'm sitting out of school right now and have to have

> major surgery next month. I feel like my future is once again hanging by a

> thread.

>

> My PTSD was so bad that I was hospitalized a few times about 4 years ago.

> They kept encouraging me to apply for disability. I was raised that you DO

> NOT put your hand out, ever! I didn't want to, so I kept on working

> somehow. But the last time I was in the hospital they actually talked to my

> now-ex-husband and he talked me into it. I was reluctant and figured I

> would be denied, but amazingly I was approved. I am FOREVER grateful for

> that! It gave me the opportunity to REALLY do some work, get the help I

> needed and improve my mental health. Now, I'm facing a reevaluation. So

> that too is hanging by a thread. I'm not sure that I would be able to

> handle working & going to school right now, and honestly if I had not had to

> sit out, it probably wouldn't be a problem due to me working with vocational

> rehabilitation. Voc rehab is still in my corner, but I have no idea if I'm

> still considered in their system or not due to sitting out. So I could very

> well lose my very small income which would lead to me not being able to go

> back to school & being forced into getting a job when my doctors & therapist

> don't feel that I'm quite ready yet.

>

> Wow, I've really dumped here. Sorry about that. But yeah... I'm dealing

> with a ton right now. Not to mention my fiance's ex wife who is very very

> likely BPD. My T thinks that she triggers me and that's why I've been

> having a difficult time lately too.

>

> In July, I had " graduated " from antidepressants. I was SO happy! I had

> doc's blessing to wean off as long as I promised to reconsider them if the

> depression ever got bad again. So Monday... I'll probably be going back on

> them. Again, I feel like I've failed and fallen backwards.

>

> I just keep hoping & praying that everything works out for the best. As

> odd as it sounds, I think my life experiences have shaped me and prepared me

> to be a nurse. And not just a nurse, but a good nurse. Maybe some day a

> great nurse. I can empathise with my clients because I have experienced the

> horrors of mental illness as well as the hideous pain of physiological

> illness as well.

>

> , I hope you will shoot for your dreams. Write that novel, and

> please let us know when it's published so we can all run out & buy it! I

> love to read. I like to write too but I'm not the best writer. Though I

> have started a couple of blogs LOL. One is " Dr. Douchebag " - about horrible

> doctors I've had in my life (lol, I know the name ins't nice, but it's funny

> to me). It's also a way for me to help myself advocate for myself and maybe

> inspire others to be their own advocate when it comes to their health care.

> Sadly I don't keep up on blogging every day. The other one I just started

> the other night and it is about BPD and will be a way for me to express my

> thoughts on BPD & dealing with leaving a BPD mother only to run into a BPD

> ex wife.

>

> I am so sorry I'm so long winded. I guess I did really need to dump all

> that worry off of my chest. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time

> and not get overwhelmed. I do my breathing techniques & meditation every

> day and am still managing to keep a smile on my face (most of the time).

> But yes, right now, life is hard. And I do feel like if I had been blessed

> with a " normal " mother, perhaps I would have been on track a lot sooner.

>

> Now, I'll shut up. If anyone manages to read this whole thing, you're my

> hero! Oh, and quickly, I do also want to apologise if my writing is hard to

> follow. I had to take some pain medication today. Hate taking it, but

> yeah... pain was pretty bad.

>

> Mia

>

> On Fri, Dec 31, 2010 at 3:27 PM, christine.depizan <

> christine.depizan@...> wrote:

>

>>

>>

>> Annie comes up with many great ideas on here

>>

>> I know that I still have healing to do before I could devote myself to a

>> project like this.I honestly hate that it's this way but I can't force my

>> healing along,only go with it as it goes.I have a feeling that,if I am

>> able,I'm going to be working well after the age of retirement because I have

>> so much catching up to do with what I want to do and I want to do something

>> with my suffering eventually that benefits others.

>>

>> In the coming year I'm going to be switching directions.I work in business

>> and I hate it but I've learned so much from it.I am either going to go back

>> to school this next year or start working on a novel I want to write.There

>> is,in fact,always so much to explore in life and like you said,who knows

>> where fate might take us?

>>

>> Your dream is such a worthwhile one---when the time is right for you to

>> begin to implement it in real terms,I believe you will know And,yes,who

>> knows,maybe one day we'll end up making it happen,some of us together from

>> this very WTO board.That would be awesome,huh?

>>

>>

>>

>>

>

>

[Guest guest]

As you have all probably noticed, I am long winded. I also had one more

thing to say regarding the disability. I really really can't wait for the

day to get OFF of it. It's so hard to " have my hand out " as nada would say,

but that's what it's there for... to help folks who need it. Unfortunately

there are people out there who abuse the system and I constantly fear that

people think I am one of them. I guarantee you that's not the case. I was

hoping to finish school in June, take my state boards in July & be working

by August & off of it all. But now, depending on when I'm " fit for duty " I

won't be able to go back until March or maybe even April. Depends how well

my body heals and typical for this type of surgery is 6 - 8 weeks.

Anyway, just wanted to add that. I can't wait to go back to work & GIVE

BACK because I really have recieved more than I ever thought I deserved.

It's a strange kind of blessing.

Mia

> I completely understand what you're saying here & can absolutely relate. I

> too have a long way to go, and I once learned in group therapy that healing

> takes as long as it takes. You can't force it or rush it. It just takes

> time. It was from a book about grief called " tear soup " or something like

> that. It was really quite a beautiful & touching book with lovely pictures

> as well. I enjoyed it. I too will probably be working well past retirement

> due to what life has thrown at me. I imagine many of us here have our own

> mental issues we are dealing with. Mine came in the form of depression &

> really severe PTSD. I can't believe how far I've come in 3 years. It was

> so bad =( I would hallucinate and have flashbacks so often. At first I

> didn't know what was going on with the hallucinations and ended up with a

> misdiagnosis by a former psychiatrist. Finally when I sought a new

> therapist, she helped me figure it out. I was hearing things that nada had

> said to me, but it wasn't her voice. It was like this horribly creepy

> " demonic " type voice. I had assumed for years that I was schizoaffective

> and when she said that sometimes people with PTSD hallucinate too... I was

> so shocked! She helped me so much, taught me how to counter what was going

> on. I also dissociated sometimes. Not like someone with DID would, but I

> would just wander off. I have gotten so much better. But, lately with the

> enormous stress I've been under I've been going a bit backwards. I've been

> having more flashbacks and some slight disassociation. I can't even begin

> to describe to you how horrifying that is since I felt I was on the path to

> recovery. It's also horrifying from the standpoint of a nursing student.

> If they knew that, would they allow me to be a nurse? I think it is

> situational though, given that my health issues suddenly & dramaticaly got

> worse and due to it, I'm sitting out of school right now and have to have

> major surgery next month. I feel like my future is once again hanging by a

> thread.

>

> My PTSD was so bad that I was hospitalized a few times about 4 years ago.

> They kept encouraging me to apply for disability. I was raised that you DO

> NOT put your hand out, ever! I didn't want to, so I kept on working

> somehow. But the last time I was in the hospital they actually talked to my

> now-ex-husband and he talked me into it. I was reluctant and figured I

> would be denied, but amazingly I was approved. I am FOREVER grateful for

> that! It gave me the opportunity to REALLY do some work, get the help I

> needed and improve my mental health. Now, I'm facing a reevaluation. So

> that too is hanging by a thread. I'm not sure that I would be able to

> handle working & going to school right now, and honestly if I had not had to

> sit out, it probably wouldn't be a problem due to me working with vocational

> rehabilitation. Voc rehab is still in my corner, but I have no idea if I'm

> still considered in their system or not due to sitting out. So I could very

> well lose my very small income which would lead to me not being able to go

> back to school & being forced into getting a job when my doctors & therapist

> don't feel that I'm quite ready yet.

>

> Wow, I've really dumped here. Sorry about that. But yeah... I'm dealing

> with a ton right now. Not to mention my fiance's ex wife who is very very

> likely BPD. My T thinks that she triggers me and that's why I've been

> having a difficult time lately too.

>

> In July, I had " graduated " from antidepressants. I was SO happy! I had

> doc's blessing to wean off as long as I promised to reconsider them if the

> depression ever got bad again. So Monday... I'll probably be going back on

> them. Again, I feel like I've failed and fallen backwards.

>

> I just keep hoping & praying that everything works out for the best. As

> odd as it sounds, I think my life experiences have shaped me and prepared me

> to be a nurse. And not just a nurse, but a good nurse. Maybe some day a

> great nurse. I can empathise with my clients because I have experienced the

> horrors of mental illness as well as the hideous pain of physiological

> illness as well.

>

> , I hope you will shoot for your dreams. Write that novel, and

> please let us know when it's published so we can all run out & buy it! I

> love to read. I like to write too but I'm not the best writer. Though I

> have started a couple of blogs LOL. One is " Dr. Douchebag " - about horrible

> doctors I've had in my life (lol, I know the name ins't nice, but it's funny

> to me). It's also a way for me to help myself advocate for myself and maybe

> inspire others to be their own advocate when it comes to their health care.

> Sadly I don't keep up on blogging every day. The other one I just started

> the other night and it is about BPD and will be a way for me to express my

> thoughts on BPD & dealing with leaving a BPD mother only to run into a BPD

> ex wife.

>

> I am so sorry I'm so long winded. I guess I did really need to dump all

> that worry off of my chest. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time

> and not get overwhelmed. I do my breathing techniques & meditation every

> day and am still managing to keep a smile on my face (most of the time).

> But yes, right now, life is hard. And I do feel like if I had been blessed

> with a " normal " mother, perhaps I would have been on track a lot sooner.

>

> Now, I'll shut up. If anyone manages to read this whole thing, you're my

> hero! Oh, and quickly, I do also want to apologise if my writing is hard to

> follow. I had to take some pain medication today. Hate taking it, but

> yeah... pain was pretty bad.

>

> Mia

>

> On Fri, Dec 31, 2010 at 3:27 PM, christine.depizan <

> christine.depizan@...> wrote:

>

>>

>>

>> Annie comes up with many great ideas on here

>>

>> I know that I still have healing to do before I could devote myself to a

>> project like this.I honestly hate that it's this way but I can't force my

>> healing along,only go with it as it goes.I have a feeling that,if I am

>> able,I'm going to be working well after the age of retirement because I have

>> so much catching up to do with what I want to do and I want to do something

>> with my suffering eventually that benefits others.

>>

>> In the coming year I'm going to be switching directions.I work in business

>> and I hate it but I've learned so much from it.I am either going to go back

>> to school this next year or start working on a novel I want to write.There

>> is,in fact,always so much to explore in life and like you said,who knows

>> where fate might take us?

>>

>> Your dream is such a worthwhile one---when the time is right for you to

>> begin to implement it in real terms,I believe you will know And,yes,who

>> knows,maybe one day we'll end up making it happen,some of us together from

>> this very WTO board.That would be awesome,huh?

>>

>>

>>

>>

>

>

[Guest guest]

As you have all probably noticed, I am long winded. I also had one more

thing to say regarding the disability. I really really can't wait for the

day to get OFF of it. It's so hard to " have my hand out " as nada would say,

but that's what it's there for... to help folks who need it. Unfortunately

there are people out there who abuse the system and I constantly fear that

people think I am one of them. I guarantee you that's not the case. I was

hoping to finish school in June, take my state boards in July & be working

by August & off of it all. But now, depending on when I'm " fit for duty " I

won't be able to go back until March or maybe even April. Depends how well

my body heals and typical for this type of surgery is 6 - 8 weeks.

Anyway, just wanted to add that. I can't wait to go back to work & GIVE

BACK because I really have recieved more than I ever thought I deserved.

It's a strange kind of blessing.

Mia

> I completely understand what you're saying here & can absolutely relate. I

> too have a long way to go, and I once learned in group therapy that healing

> takes as long as it takes. You can't force it or rush it. It just takes

> time. It was from a book about grief called " tear soup " or something like

> that. It was really quite a beautiful & touching book with lovely pictures

> as well. I enjoyed it. I too will probably be working well past retirement

> due to what life has thrown at me. I imagine many of us here have our own

> mental issues we are dealing with. Mine came in the form of depression &

> really severe PTSD. I can't believe how far I've come in 3 years. It was

> so bad =( I would hallucinate and have flashbacks so often. At first I

> didn't know what was going on with the hallucinations and ended up with a

> misdiagnosis by a former psychiatrist. Finally when I sought a new

> therapist, she helped me figure it out. I was hearing things that nada had

> said to me, but it wasn't her voice. It was like this horribly creepy

> " demonic " type voice. I had assumed for years that I was schizoaffective

> and when she said that sometimes people with PTSD hallucinate too... I was

> so shocked! She helped me so much, taught me how to counter what was going

> on. I also dissociated sometimes. Not like someone with DID would, but I

> would just wander off. I have gotten so much better. But, lately with the

> enormous stress I've been under I've been going a bit backwards. I've been

> having more flashbacks and some slight disassociation. I can't even begin

> to describe to you how horrifying that is since I felt I was on the path to

> recovery. It's also horrifying from the standpoint of a nursing student.

> If they knew that, would they allow me to be a nurse? I think it is

> situational though, given that my health issues suddenly & dramaticaly got

> worse and due to it, I'm sitting out of school right now and have to have

> major surgery next month. I feel like my future is once again hanging by a

> thread.

>

> My PTSD was so bad that I was hospitalized a few times about 4 years ago.

> They kept encouraging me to apply for disability. I was raised that you DO

> NOT put your hand out, ever! I didn't want to, so I kept on working

> somehow. But the last time I was in the hospital they actually talked to my

> now-ex-husband and he talked me into it. I was reluctant and figured I

> would be denied, but amazingly I was approved. I am FOREVER grateful for

> that! It gave me the opportunity to REALLY do some work, get the help I

> needed and improve my mental health. Now, I'm facing a reevaluation. So

> that too is hanging by a thread. I'm not sure that I would be able to

> handle working & going to school right now, and honestly if I had not had to

> sit out, it probably wouldn't be a problem due to me working with vocational

> rehabilitation. Voc rehab is still in my corner, but I have no idea if I'm

> still considered in their system or not due to sitting out. So I could very

> well lose my very small income which would lead to me not being able to go

> back to school & being forced into getting a job when my doctors & therapist

> don't feel that I'm quite ready yet.

>

> Wow, I've really dumped here. Sorry about that. But yeah... I'm dealing

> with a ton right now. Not to mention my fiance's ex wife who is very very

> likely BPD. My T thinks that she triggers me and that's why I've been

> having a difficult time lately too.

>

> In July, I had " graduated " from antidepressants. I was SO happy! I had

> doc's blessing to wean off as long as I promised to reconsider them if the

> depression ever got bad again. So Monday... I'll probably be going back on

> them. Again, I feel like I've failed and fallen backwards.

>

> I just keep hoping & praying that everything works out for the best. As

> odd as it sounds, I think my life experiences have shaped me and prepared me

> to be a nurse. And not just a nurse, but a good nurse. Maybe some day a

> great nurse. I can empathise with my clients because I have experienced the

> horrors of mental illness as well as the hideous pain of physiological

> illness as well.

>

> , I hope you will shoot for your dreams. Write that novel, and

> please let us know when it's published so we can all run out & buy it! I

> love to read. I like to write too but I'm not the best writer. Though I

> have started a couple of blogs LOL. One is " Dr. Douchebag " - about horrible

> doctors I've had in my life (lol, I know the name ins't nice, but it's funny

> to me). It's also a way for me to help myself advocate for myself and maybe

> inspire others to be their own advocate when it comes to their health care.

> Sadly I don't keep up on blogging every day. The other one I just started

> the other night and it is about BPD and will be a way for me to express my

> thoughts on BPD & dealing with leaving a BPD mother only to run into a BPD

> ex wife.

>

> I am so sorry I'm so long winded. I guess I did really need to dump all

> that worry off of my chest. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time

> and not get overwhelmed. I do my breathing techniques & meditation every

> day and am still managing to keep a smile on my face (most of the time).

> But yes, right now, life is hard. And I do feel like if I had been blessed

> with a " normal " mother, perhaps I would have been on track a lot sooner.

>

> Now, I'll shut up. If anyone manages to read this whole thing, you're my

> hero! Oh, and quickly, I do also want to apologise if my writing is hard to

> follow. I had to take some pain medication today. Hate taking it, but

> yeah... pain was pretty bad.

>

> Mia

>

> On Fri, Dec 31, 2010 at 3:27 PM, christine.depizan <

> christine.depizan@...> wrote:

>

>>

>>

>> Annie comes up with many great ideas on here

>>

>> I know that I still have healing to do before I could devote myself to a

>> project like this.I honestly hate that it's this way but I can't force my

>> healing along,only go with it as it goes.I have a feeling that,if I am

>> able,I'm going to be working well after the age of retirement because I have

>> so much catching up to do with what I want to do and I want to do something

>> with my suffering eventually that benefits others.

>>

>> In the coming year I'm going to be switching directions.I work in business

>> and I hate it but I've learned so much from it.I am either going to go back

>> to school this next year or start working on a novel I want to write.There

>> is,in fact,always so much to explore in life and like you said,who knows

>> where fate might take us?

>>

>> Your dream is such a worthwhile one---when the time is right for you to

>> begin to implement it in real terms,I believe you will know And,yes,who

>> knows,maybe one day we'll end up making it happen,some of us together from

>> this very WTO board.That would be awesome,huh?

>>

>>

>>

>>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you for the prayers.

As for my dad, he used to be a fada. Shortly after my brother died he and

nada got divorced. He beat the ever living snot out of her.

My dad has a history of violence as well, but not with me. I don't think he

was ready for adulthood & life & family. I'm not excusing what he did by

any means, but I have forgiven him. He's proof to me that people can change

if they want to. He got help after he did the same thing to his 2nd wife

who cheated on him. Good grief. But my dad did go from a fada to a FATHER.

Granted, he was not around much when I was at his house as a kid, most of

my time was spent with my step mom (his wife #2). After he went through a

lot of therapy he became dad. I actually remember when I was about 18 and

getting ready to finally go to college (nada had finally allowed me to go...

long story there) my dad called me. He has always been a computer nerd and

he wanted to build me a new computer to help me with school. Mind you this

is back in the day of windows 3.11 hehe. He put my new step mom on the

phone (they were only dating at this time) and I could hear him in the

background kind of cheering... he was excited and I heard him say, " I'm so

happy because I can do something nice for my daughter " . My step mom was

laughing because he was being kind of goofy. He is so not usually like that

lol.

I'm really glad I have my dad. Yes, he made a lot of horrible mistakes too,

but he's changed, apologized and now we are closer than ever.

In my eyes, his story is a good example that for some nadas & fadas there is

hope. Its too bad that not all of them can do that though.

Mia

On Fri, Dec 31, 2010 at 9:34 AM, dianajaye2000 wrote:

>

>

> Mia,

> I am so sorry for this struggle in your life. Yes it is very dark and

> disturbing - but she is likely one of many woman to have gone to such

> measures with an unwanted pregnancy. I know that doesn't ease your burden.

>

> I am curious tho, why didn't your father report her behavior? He evidently

> knew she had acted this way? Did he try to get her help? I am not trying to

> pry by any means here. Just an outsider perspective.

>

> I think praying and talking to your baby brother is sweet and lovely. I'm

> sure his spirit hears yours.

> Stay strong,

>

>

[Guest guest]

, thanks for the reply! I want to say that I am so sorry to hear

about your cat =( I am a huge pet person and I know this is such a hard

thing to go through. so (((HUGS))) to you. I hope you had fun with your

dog at the new year's party! And just remember how lucky your kitty was to

have you as an owner =) It sure is hard, but it will get better. Hang in

there!

I'm not sure what DDNOS is... disassociative something non specific? I'll

have to look that up. But it's kind of strangely refreshing to meet another

person who understand the PTSD hallucinations. That was so awful. I'm SO

glad I don't have those anymore!! Flashbacks, yes sometimes. But no more

evil demon voice hallucinations. So glad you don't have to put up with them

either and that it was just a short experience for you.

I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself for likely going back on

antidepressants. Thing is, (and a lot here can probably relate) the rules

are different for me. Thanks, nada. A lot of times what I have to do with

myself is think, " OK, if this was a client of mine, what would I tell them?

What would the best thing for them to do be? " Obviously I would be

supportive of their decision, encourage them to stop thinking of it as a

step backward, etc. But it's a thousand times harder to do that for myself.

We (adult survivors of nadas & fadas) are groomed to be caregivers. Not

surprising that a lot of us KOs end up in nursing & other medical fields.

We're groomed to care for everyone else but ourselves. 2011 is time for me

to really put my foot down on that. I decided THAT would be my new year's

resolution... to treat myself with the same level of respect that I would

anyone else. It will be hard, but I will do this.

Also, thanks for the kind compliments regarding my decision to be a nurse

*blush*. I hope you're right, and I do think you are! hehe. I have a

feeling I'll be the pain in the doctor's butt kind of nurse. Not that

that's ALWAYS good, but sometimes - heck yes!

I'm glad you are going to take some time off to work on your novel and take

care of your soul. That's so important. I'm sure your boss was

disappointed, but that's ok. That's her issue to work through. It's time

to take care of you =) (And for me to take care of me...see? I'm trying to

start all ready lol)

Mia

On Fri, Dec 31, 2010 at 5:13 PM, christine.depizan <

christine.depizan@...> wrote:

>

>

> It's alright,Mia,I follow you

>

> My brain is mush today,anyhow! I've had a painful week because my cat died

> and speaking of PTSD,believe me,I know.I have Complex PTSD and DDNOS (I had

> full blown DID when I was younger and still have it to some extent but have

> gotten a handle on it with therapy)---my cat dying brought up an ENORMOUS

> load of trauma associations,hence the brain mush Tonight I'm going to

> take my dog to the annual new year's party we go to,so that should be an

> attitude adjustment.

>

> Anyway--I'm one of the " worst offenders " on here for long posts,so...don't

> apologize There's so much to get out,so much to work out...The

> hallucinations sound scary--and that demonic voice...wow...having a nada is

> really,really a trauma....I have only hallucinated once in my life (aside

> from a couple of times as a kid with untreated high fevers).I was 22--I had

> put a complete block out/black out on ALL of my memories from before age

> twelve and they were coming back up in floods.I honestly felt like dealing

> with some of them would drive me crazy because the worst of them I had had

> to repress even as they were happening or create alters to experience some

> things.One night when my room mate had gone away for the weekend some of

> these memories were really breaking through despite my trying to ignore them

> and I hallucinated that the boys who had raped me were right outside the

> apartment talking about attacking me,standing under a tree near the

> building.It was terrifying because it seemed so real but I knew it couldn't

> be,it was't possible (one of the " boys " had died of a drug overdose,so if he

> was standing there he had to be a ghost lol).It was absolutely

> horrible---that was a PTSD related hallucination--your therapist was right

> and it's good you found one who knew about that.At the time when that

> happened to me,I didn't seek out a therapist because I was " sure " nobody

> would understand.

>

> Being under alot of stress can knock you back a bit.I know that it's hard

> at times to be patient with this process of healing because it can be

> frustrating when you hit a bump.You are a compassionate person and the

> healthcare field *needs* people like you.

>

> Would they " let " you be a nurse if they knew? I don't know.I know that if

> my boss knew what's in my head at times she'd reconsider her evaluation of

> me,but you know what,we have a right to protect ourselves from other

> peoples' misunderstanding of what we are dealing with.Nobody at my work

> knows about the Complex PTSD because unfortunately I think that would be

> used against me.I'm sure that you are conscientious enough that you would

> take a leave of absence if you were unable to do your job properly and I'm

> sure that otherwise you'd be able to perform your nursing duties with much

> sensitivity and that is so important.

>

> You have alot to offer the world and if you need some help right now to

> deal with all the stress in your life,that's not failing I think--that's

> just having the wisdom to take care of yourself.

>

> I posted a reply to your poem but it never showed up on the board.Sometimes

> my posts get eaten But I thought your poem was really clever.I said in my

> post that I could never sum up the past year I've had in a few lines like

> that,so the way you did that was really cool

>

> It's good that you're here and you're venting.We didn't have mothers.We had

> nadas.That's quite a cross to bear,at times heavier than at others.

>

> Some times in our lives we just have to get through and the future will

> work itself out and like you said as with our healing we can't force it and

> we can't rush it.

>

> The novel I'd like to write is this dystopian political thing that would be

> a way for me to exorcise my demons " on paper " but I entertain no delusions

> of making my fortune with it I need some kind of catharsis though,and

> something creative...until I figure out where I'm going.Last year I was on

> the fast track to promotion to the top of my company and I realized that my

> own healing and my own soul HAD to take priority and I have removed myself

> from striving for things I don't really want for

> myself,spiritually,morally.My coworkers don't understand; my boss was

> disappointed in me...it's a long story...but I feel at this point that I

> need to feed my soul and to find my way to living a life that is meaningful

> to me.As for the non profit idea,it sounds like fun to me but needs study

> and research and I'm hoping that in the coming months I will be ready to

> take that on.We'll see.

>

> It sounds like you have a similar goal.It's not easy.But it's worthwhile to

> follow your own bliss even if it takes a while to catch up to it

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

, thanks for the reply! I want to say that I am so sorry to hear

about your cat =( I am a huge pet person and I know this is such a hard

thing to go through. so (((HUGS))) to you. I hope you had fun with your

dog at the new year's party! And just remember how lucky your kitty was to

have you as an owner =) It sure is hard, but it will get better. Hang in

there!

I'm not sure what DDNOS is... disassociative something non specific? I'll

have to look that up. But it's kind of strangely refreshing to meet another

person who understand the PTSD hallucinations. That was so awful. I'm SO

glad I don't have those anymore!! Flashbacks, yes sometimes. But no more

evil demon voice hallucinations. So glad you don't have to put up with them

either and that it was just a short experience for you.

I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself for likely going back on

antidepressants. Thing is, (and a lot here can probably relate) the rules

are different for me. Thanks, nada. A lot of times what I have to do with

myself is think, " OK, if this was a client of mine, what would I tell them?

What would the best thing for them to do be? " Obviously I would be

supportive of their decision, encourage them to stop thinking of it as a

step backward, etc. But it's a thousand times harder to do that for myself.

We (adult survivors of nadas & fadas) are groomed to be caregivers. Not

surprising that a lot of us KOs end up in nursing & other medical fields.

We're groomed to care for everyone else but ourselves. 2011 is time for me

to really put my foot down on that. I decided THAT would be my new year's

resolution... to treat myself with the same level of respect that I would

anyone else. It will be hard, but I will do this.

Also, thanks for the kind compliments regarding my decision to be a nurse

*blush*. I hope you're right, and I do think you are! hehe. I have a

feeling I'll be the pain in the doctor's butt kind of nurse. Not that

that's ALWAYS good, but sometimes - heck yes!

I'm glad you are going to take some time off to work on your novel and take

care of your soul. That's so important. I'm sure your boss was

disappointed, but that's ok. That's her issue to work through. It's time

to take care of you =) (And for me to take care of me...see? I'm trying to

start all ready lol)

Mia

On Fri, Dec 31, 2010 at 5:13 PM, christine.depizan <

christine.depizan@...> wrote:

>

>

> It's alright,Mia,I follow you

>

> My brain is mush today,anyhow! I've had a painful week because my cat died

> and speaking of PTSD,believe me,I know.I have Complex PTSD and DDNOS (I had

> full blown DID when I was younger and still have it to some extent but have

> gotten a handle on it with therapy)---my cat dying brought up an ENORMOUS

> load of trauma associations,hence the brain mush Tonight I'm going to

> take my dog to the annual new year's party we go to,so that should be an

> attitude adjustment.

>

> Anyway--I'm one of the " worst offenders " on here for long posts,so...don't

> apologize There's so much to get out,so much to work out...The

> hallucinations sound scary--and that demonic voice...wow...having a nada is

> really,really a trauma....I have only hallucinated once in my life (aside

> from a couple of times as a kid with untreated high fevers).I was 22--I had

> put a complete block out/black out on ALL of my memories from before age

> twelve and they were coming back up in floods.I honestly felt like dealing

> with some of them would drive me crazy because the worst of them I had had

> to repress even as they were happening or create alters to experience some

> things.One night when my room mate had gone away for the weekend some of

> these memories were really breaking through despite my trying to ignore them

> and I hallucinated that the boys who had raped me were right outside the

> apartment talking about attacking me,standing under a tree near the

> building.It was terrifying because it seemed so real but I knew it couldn't

> be,it was't possible (one of the " boys " had died of a drug overdose,so if he

> was standing there he had to be a ghost lol).It was absolutely

> horrible---that was a PTSD related hallucination--your therapist was right

> and it's good you found one who knew about that.At the time when that

> happened to me,I didn't seek out a therapist because I was " sure " nobody

> would understand.

>

> Being under alot of stress can knock you back a bit.I know that it's hard

> at times to be patient with this process of healing because it can be

> frustrating when you hit a bump.You are a compassionate person and the

> healthcare field *needs* people like you.

>

> Would they " let " you be a nurse if they knew? I don't know.I know that if

> my boss knew what's in my head at times she'd reconsider her evaluation of

> me,but you know what,we have a right to protect ourselves from other

> peoples' misunderstanding of what we are dealing with.Nobody at my work

> knows about the Complex PTSD because unfortunately I think that would be

> used against me.I'm sure that you are conscientious enough that you would

> take a leave of absence if you were unable to do your job properly and I'm

> sure that otherwise you'd be able to perform your nursing duties with much

> sensitivity and that is so important.

>

> You have alot to offer the world and if you need some help right now to

> deal with all the stress in your life,that's not failing I think--that's

> just having the wisdom to take care of yourself.

>

> I posted a reply to your poem but it never showed up on the board.Sometimes

> my posts get eaten But I thought your poem was really clever.I said in my

> post that I could never sum up the past year I've had in a few lines like

> that,so the way you did that was really cool

>

> It's good that you're here and you're venting.We didn't have mothers.We had

> nadas.That's quite a cross to bear,at times heavier than at others.

>

> Some times in our lives we just have to get through and the future will

> work itself out and like you said as with our healing we can't force it and

> we can't rush it.

>

> The novel I'd like to write is this dystopian political thing that would be

> a way for me to exorcise my demons " on paper " but I entertain no delusions

> of making my fortune with it I need some kind of catharsis though,and

> something creative...until I figure out where I'm going.Last year I was on

> the fast track to promotion to the top of my company and I realized that my

> own healing and my own soul HAD to take priority and I have removed myself

> from striving for things I don't really want for

> myself,spiritually,morally.My coworkers don't understand; my boss was

> disappointed in me...it's a long story...but I feel at this point that I

> need to feed my soul and to find my way to living a life that is meaningful

> to me.As for the non profit idea,it sounds like fun to me but needs study

> and research and I'm hoping that in the coming months I will be ready to

> take that on.We'll see.

>

> It sounds like you have a similar goal.It's not easy.But it's worthwhile to

> follow your own bliss even if it takes a while to catch up to it

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

, thanks for the reply! I want to say that I am so sorry to hear

about your cat =( I am a huge pet person and I know this is such a hard

thing to go through. so (((HUGS))) to you. I hope you had fun with your

dog at the new year's party! And just remember how lucky your kitty was to

have you as an owner =) It sure is hard, but it will get better. Hang in

there!

I'm not sure what DDNOS is... disassociative something non specific? I'll

have to look that up. But it's kind of strangely refreshing to meet another

person who understand the PTSD hallucinations. That was so awful. I'm SO

glad I don't have those anymore!! Flashbacks, yes sometimes. But no more

evil demon voice hallucinations. So glad you don't have to put up with them

either and that it was just a short experience for you.

I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself for likely going back on

antidepressants. Thing is, (and a lot here can probably relate) the rules

are different for me. Thanks, nada. A lot of times what I have to do with

myself is think, " OK, if this was a client of mine, what would I tell them?

What would the best thing for them to do be? " Obviously I would be

supportive of their decision, encourage them to stop thinking of it as a

step backward, etc. But it's a thousand times harder to do that for myself.

We (adult survivors of nadas & fadas) are groomed to be caregivers. Not

surprising that a lot of us KOs end up in nursing & other medical fields.

We're groomed to care for everyone else but ourselves. 2011 is time for me

to really put my foot down on that. I decided THAT would be my new year's

resolution... to treat myself with the same level of respect that I would

anyone else. It will be hard, but I will do this.

Also, thanks for the kind compliments regarding my decision to be a nurse

*blush*. I hope you're right, and I do think you are! hehe. I have a

feeling I'll be the pain in the doctor's butt kind of nurse. Not that

that's ALWAYS good, but sometimes - heck yes!

I'm glad you are going to take some time off to work on your novel and take

care of your soul. That's so important. I'm sure your boss was

disappointed, but that's ok. That's her issue to work through. It's time

to take care of you =) (And for me to take care of me...see? I'm trying to

start all ready lol)

Mia

On Fri, Dec 31, 2010 at 5:13 PM, christine.depizan <

christine.depizan@...> wrote:

>

>

> It's alright,Mia,I follow you

>

> My brain is mush today,anyhow! I've had a painful week because my cat died

> and speaking of PTSD,believe me,I know.I have Complex PTSD and DDNOS (I had

> full blown DID when I was younger and still have it to some extent but have

> gotten a handle on it with therapy)---my cat dying brought up an ENORMOUS

> load of trauma associations,hence the brain mush Tonight I'm going to

> take my dog to the annual new year's party we go to,so that should be an

> attitude adjustment.

>

> Anyway--I'm one of the " worst offenders " on here for long posts,so...don't

> apologize There's so much to get out,so much to work out...The

> hallucinations sound scary--and that demonic voice...wow...having a nada is

> really,really a trauma....I have only hallucinated once in my life (aside

> from a couple of times as a kid with untreated high fevers).I was 22--I had

> put a complete block out/black out on ALL of my memories from before age

> twelve and they were coming back up in floods.I honestly felt like dealing

> with some of them would drive me crazy because the worst of them I had had

> to repress even as they were happening or create alters to experience some

> things.One night when my room mate had gone away for the weekend some of

> these memories were really breaking through despite my trying to ignore them

> and I hallucinated that the boys who had raped me were right outside the

> apartment talking about attacking me,standing under a tree near the

> building.It was terrifying because it seemed so real but I knew it couldn't

> be,it was't possible (one of the " boys " had died of a drug overdose,so if he

> was standing there he had to be a ghost lol).It was absolutely

> horrible---that was a PTSD related hallucination--your therapist was right

> and it's good you found one who knew about that.At the time when that

> happened to me,I didn't seek out a therapist because I was " sure " nobody

> would understand.

>

> Being under alot of stress can knock you back a bit.I know that it's hard

> at times to be patient with this process of healing because it can be

> frustrating when you hit a bump.You are a compassionate person and the

> healthcare field *needs* people like you.

>

> Would they " let " you be a nurse if they knew? I don't know.I know that if

> my boss knew what's in my head at times she'd reconsider her evaluation of

> me,but you know what,we have a right to protect ourselves from other

> peoples' misunderstanding of what we are dealing with.Nobody at my work

> knows about the Complex PTSD because unfortunately I think that would be

> used against me.I'm sure that you are conscientious enough that you would

> take a leave of absence if you were unable to do your job properly and I'm

> sure that otherwise you'd be able to perform your nursing duties with much

> sensitivity and that is so important.

>

> You have alot to offer the world and if you need some help right now to

> deal with all the stress in your life,that's not failing I think--that's

> just having the wisdom to take care of yourself.

>

> I posted a reply to your poem but it never showed up on the board.Sometimes

> my posts get eaten But I thought your poem was really clever.I said in my

> post that I could never sum up the past year I've had in a few lines like

> that,so the way you did that was really cool

>

> It's good that you're here and you're venting.We didn't have mothers.We had

> nadas.That's quite a cross to bear,at times heavier than at others.

>

> Some times in our lives we just have to get through and the future will

> work itself out and like you said as with our healing we can't force it and

> we can't rush it.

>

> The novel I'd like to write is this dystopian political thing that would be

> a way for me to exorcise my demons " on paper " but I entertain no delusions

> of making my fortune with it I need some kind of catharsis though,and

> something creative...until I figure out where I'm going.Last year I was on

> the fast track to promotion to the top of my company and I realized that my

> own healing and my own soul HAD to take priority and I have removed myself

> from striving for things I don't really want for

> myself,spiritually,morally.My coworkers don't understand; my boss was

> disappointed in me...it's a long story...but I feel at this point that I

> need to feed my soul and to find my way to living a life that is meaningful

> to me.As for the non profit idea,it sounds like fun to me but needs study

> and research and I'm hoping that in the coming months I will be ready to

> take that on.We'll see.

>

> It sounds like you have a similar goal.It's not easy.But it's worthwhile to

> follow your own bliss even if it takes a while to catch up to it

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

That's so sad & scary . But just reading it's so clear to see her BPD

shining through reaaaaally bright. What a thing to do to you & your step

dad. I don't think they realize that words sure can hurt.

I think you ought to write that song from your perspective ;-)

Mia

>

>

> When I was in high school my nada became pregnant at age 40 with her second

> husband. She didn't scream or beat on herself or anything--she wanted the

> baby--but it was always meltdown rage, meltdown rage, meltdown rage at my

> stepfather all, all the time. I think her BPD behavior was the worst here

> that it has ever been. I remember being 15 and 16 and being truly frightened

> at the way she would act. And I remember just dreading this child ever

> coming, because all she would be is angry at me... for not helping enough,

> not holding the baby right, whatever. Already she was expecting me to do

> every little thing about the house for her. She shouldn't have to vacuum,

> she shouldn't have to bend over to clean the toilets (she was home all day),

> she shouldn't have to this, she shouldn't have to that. I can still hear the

> whining refrain in my head: " Forty years old and pregnant, and so-and-so

> won't even do X. " It got to be like a song: " Forty years old and pregnant,

> forty years old and pregnant! "

>

> Then she had a miscarriage. The baby would have had Down's.

>

> She used to say she thought the baby decided it didn't want to be here

> because of my stepfather.

>

> Heh. I think these kids take a good long look at who's giving birth to

> them, scream, and run.

>

> --.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

That's so sad & scary . But just reading it's so clear to see her BPD

shining through reaaaaally bright. What a thing to do to you & your step

dad. I don't think they realize that words sure can hurt.

I think you ought to write that song from your perspective ;-)

Mia

>

>

> When I was in high school my nada became pregnant at age 40 with her second

> husband. She didn't scream or beat on herself or anything--she wanted the

> baby--but it was always meltdown rage, meltdown rage, meltdown rage at my

> stepfather all, all the time. I think her BPD behavior was the worst here

> that it has ever been. I remember being 15 and 16 and being truly frightened

> at the way she would act. And I remember just dreading this child ever

> coming, because all she would be is angry at me... for not helping enough,

> not holding the baby right, whatever. Already she was expecting me to do

> every little thing about the house for her. She shouldn't have to vacuum,

> she shouldn't have to bend over to clean the toilets (she was home all day),

> she shouldn't have to this, she shouldn't have to that. I can still hear the

> whining refrain in my head: " Forty years old and pregnant, and so-and-so

> won't even do X. " It got to be like a song: " Forty years old and pregnant,

> forty years old and pregnant! "

>

> Then she had a miscarriage. The baby would have had Down's.

>

> She used to say she thought the baby decided it didn't want to be here

> because of my stepfather.

>

> Heh. I think these kids take a good long look at who's giving birth to

> them, scream, and run.

>

> --.

>

>

>