Re: Re: Something I can't get off my mind

January 1, 2011

That's so sad & scary . But just reading it's so clear to see her BPD

shining through reaaaaally bright. What a thing to do to you & your step

dad. I don't think they realize that words sure can hurt.

I think you ought to write that song from your perspective ;-)

Mia

>

> When I was in high school my nada became pregnant at age 40 with her second

> husband. She didn't scream or beat on herself or anything--she wanted the

> baby--but it was always meltdown rage, meltdown rage, meltdown rage at my

> stepfather all, all the time. I think her BPD behavior was the worst here

> that it has ever been. I remember being 15 and 16 and being truly frightened

> at the way she would act. And I remember just dreading this child ever

> coming, because all she would be is angry at me... for not helping enough,

> not holding the baby right, whatever. Already she was expecting me to do

> every little thing about the house for her. She shouldn't have to vacuum,

> she shouldn't have to bend over to clean the toilets (she was home all day),

> she shouldn't have to this, she shouldn't have to that. I can still hear the

> whining refrain in my head: " Forty years old and pregnant, and so-and-so

> won't even do X. " It got to be like a song: " Forty years old and pregnant,

> forty years old and pregnant! "

>

> Then she had a miscarriage. The baby would have had Down's.

>

> She used to say she thought the baby decided it didn't want to be here

> because of my stepfather.

>

> Heh. I think these kids take a good long look at who's giving birth to

> them, scream, and run.

>

> --.

>

January 1, 2011

Right Annie. I'm sure it is probably something genetic to be honest. When

my dad & step mom tried to conceive I think she misscarried twice. They did

do some genetic counseling. I think whatever was wrong with the baby was

most likely not nadas fault, but that doesn't stop me from being angry at

her for doing what she did to him. He wasn't even born yet & she was

abusing him. Grr.

And I was thinking that my grandnada's memory of him might have been a lie.

Maybe not one to do harm, but one to try & protect the 7ish year old asking

about it, you know? I can imagine she didn't want to tell me the truth at

that age. I don't know.

Just glad I know the truth now.

Mia

On Fri, Dec 31, 2010 at 1:07 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

> Ah! OK, the new details from your dad plus it being a hospital birth are

> making it more clear that the baby had enough physical problems to cause him

> to die of natural causes. Your grandmother's memory of him being " perfect

> and healthy " were not accurate.

> -Annie

>

January 2, 2011

You go ! And have fun with it =D

On Sun, Jan 2, 2011 at 5:43 PM, christine.depizan <

christine.depizan@...> wrote:

>

> Thanks,

>

> The tale I'm envisioning is such an apocalyptic dystopia that BWAHAHAHA I

> think that for a while it's just going to serve as a personal catharsis

> until perhaps I can " civilize " it enough for public consumption.The premise:

> what if the populace discovered that there really was an organized

> conspiracy from the top to keep them down--that actual sociopaths are in

> charge-- and a civil war ensued and for me writing it,how to play with that

> enough to make it seem real (kind of how Orson Wells terrified the nation

> with his " War of the Worlds " radio program).

>

> >

> > ,

> >

> > So cool that you want to start a novel! When you start, let us know.

> >

> > --.

> >

>

January 2, 2011

You go ! And have fun with it =D

On Sun, Jan 2, 2011 at 5:43 PM, christine.depizan <

christine.depizan@...> wrote:

>

> Thanks,

>

> The tale I'm envisioning is such an apocalyptic dystopia that BWAHAHAHA I

> think that for a while it's just going to serve as a personal catharsis

> until perhaps I can " civilize " it enough for public consumption.The premise:

> what if the populace discovered that there really was an organized

> conspiracy from the top to keep them down--that actual sociopaths are in

> charge-- and a civil war ensued and for me writing it,how to play with that

> enough to make it seem real (kind of how Orson Wells terrified the nation

> with his " War of the Worlds " radio program).

>

> >

> > ,

> >

> > So cool that you want to start a novel! When you start, let us know.

> >

> > --.

> >

>

January 2, 2011

You go ! And have fun with it =D

On Sun, Jan 2, 2011 at 5:43 PM, christine.depizan <

christine.depizan@...> wrote:

>

> Thanks,

>

> The tale I'm envisioning is such an apocalyptic dystopia that BWAHAHAHA I

> think that for a while it's just going to serve as a personal catharsis

> until perhaps I can " civilize " it enough for public consumption.The premise:

> what if the populace discovered that there really was an organized

> conspiracy from the top to keep them down--that actual sociopaths are in

> charge-- and a civil war ensued and for me writing it,how to play with that

> enough to make it seem real (kind of how Orson Wells terrified the nation

> with his " War of the Worlds " radio program).

>

> >

> > ,

> >

> > So cool that you want to start a novel! When you start, let us know.

> >

> > --.

> >

>

January 3, 2011

Oh , I so understand what you're saying about your job & the

seeking approval outside of yourself. I have so been there & done that with

prior jobs! I'm glad you didn't let the lion's den eat you alive and that

you were able to say " hang on a second, this isn't for me " . Good for you!

As for the novel, do it =) I think it'll be a great outlet for you!

Therapeutic even.

I am so bad at expressing what I'm thinking on paper (or typing) that I tend

to be a very bad writer. But, I actually drew out one very bad/strong

experience I had with my nada... I can't begin to tell you how much it

helped. It has actually given me more ideas for a comic book, so it's kind

of spawned more creativity. Get it off your chest lady! Write it, refine

it and hopefully you can sell it hehe. Even with all my jumbled writing, I

still manage to do very well with research papers & presentations. I don't

know how, but I *can* do it... it's just a lot of work lol.

Ahh, if only I had enough confidence in myself as an artist, I'd still be an

art major. But don't get me wrong, I love nursing too and feel like if I

have a stable job that I just love it will only help me feed & fund my

creative side ;-)

Thanks for the compliment too, I do appreciate it and hope it's true... I

want to be a great nurse, not just another nurse. I have a very strong

desire & drive to help others & give back some of the help I've gotten, if

you know what I mean.

As for you going back to work, chin up. I hope that when you get there you

have a wonderful day back & that every day is one without too much grief!

Mia

On Mon, Jan 3, 2011 at 11:36 AM, christine.depizan <

christine.depizan@...> wrote:

>

> Mia,that's a wonderful new year's resolution to treat yourself with the

> same respect you accord to others.Give that kindness and compassion that you

> show on here (and I'm sure in the rest of your life) back to

> yourself--you're worth it.I struggle with that too and this year I want to

> find better ways of honoring my survival.

>

> Just to clarify,I'm not taking off from work to write a novel--but I wish I

> could! I have just decided that I can't go on seeking approval from others

> the way I have been; I need to seek it more deeply from within.My boss had

> alot of faith in me and promoted me to revamp a failing department with the

> understanding that if I was able to pull that off well that I would be

> promoted further.At the time I felt like going as far up in that job as I

> could go would be the " best revenge " for my past and because the boss

> " believed " in me I wanted so much to believe that meant I could also believe

> in me,not seeing that it needs to be the other way round.What actually

> happened was that I allowed myself to be thrown into the lion's den of this

> department where all the longer time employees resented my redo's and I had

> to bring in and train some people and the whole thing was just exhausting

> because I realized after I got in there that I'd taken on more than I could

> handle so I had to push myself way past my own limits.I also realized that I

> wasn't doing it because *I* really wanted to but more because I still felt

> as if I had to justify my own existence.I delivered and I turned a failing

> department into one of the most productive ones in the company but in the

> process of dealing with so much aggravation I understood that none of it was

> feeding my soul.Once that department was taken care of my boss wanted to

> move me up and I decided to decline because I knew that I needed to

> concentrate on me and the added responsibilities weren't going to allow

> that.She was very disappointed because my further promotion would have

> served her own goals--it's a long story but I had delivered and I just

> wasn't going to be used further by her.My coworkers didn't understand

> because who'd give up a chance for more prestige and more money?

>

> I have to go back in there tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it...The

> novel idea is to give my demons free rein somewhere safe because I have alot

> of rage at times about the impossibility of ever having any justice for what

> was done to me and if I think about *that* too closely it almost takes my

> breath away so I want to creatively transmute those feelings of rage.

>

> RE the antidepressants...I know all about that KO double standard--that we

> were conditioned to apply to ourselves! And I know it's easy for me to say

> this,but try to remind yourself that every act of self care is a step

> forward,never a step back.

>

> You're going to be the kind of intelligent,informed,involved,

> compassionate nurse that we'd all want to have if we found ourselves in the

> hospital

>

> >

> > , thanks for the reply! I want to say that I am so sorry to hear

> > about your cat =( I am a huge pet person and I know this is such a hard

> > thing to go through. so (((HUGS))) to you. I hope you had fun with your

> > dog at the new year's party! And just remember how lucky your kitty was

> to

> > have you as an owner =) It sure is hard, but it will get better. Hang in

> > there!

> >

> > I'm not sure what DDNOS is... disassociative something non specific? I'll

> > have to look that up. But it's kind of strangely refreshing to meet

> another

> > person who understand the PTSD hallucinations. That was so awful. I'm SO

> > glad I don't have those anymore!! Flashbacks, yes sometimes. But no more

> > evil demon voice hallucinations. So glad you don't have to put up with

> them

> > either and that it was just a short experience for you.

> >

> > I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself for likely going back on

> > antidepressants. Thing is, (and a lot here can probably relate) the rules

> > are different for me. Thanks, nada. A lot of times what I have to do with

> > myself is think, " OK, if this was a client of mine, what would I tell

> them?

> > What would the best thing for them to do be? " Obviously I would be

> > supportive of their decision, encourage them to stop thinking of it as a

> > step backward, etc. But it's a thousand times harder to do that for

> myself.

> > We (adult survivors of nadas & fadas) are groomed to be caregivers. Not

> > surprising that a lot of us KOs end up in nursing & other medical fields.

> > We're groomed to care for everyone else but ourselves. 2011 is time for

> me

> > to really put my foot down on that. I decided THAT would be my new year's

> > resolution... to treat myself with the same level of respect that I would

> > anyone else. It will be hard, but I will do this.

> >

> > Also, thanks for the kind compliments regarding my decision to be a nurse

> > *blush*. I hope you're right, and I do think you are! hehe. I have a

> > feeling I'll be the pain in the doctor's butt kind of nurse. Not that

> > that's ALWAYS good, but sometimes - heck yes!

> >

> > I'm glad you are going to take some time off to work on your novel and

> take

> > care of your soul. That's so important. I'm sure your boss was

> > disappointed, but that's ok. That's her issue to work through. It's time

> > to take care of you =) (And for me to take care of me...see? I'm trying

> to

> > start all ready lol)

> >

> > Mia

>

January 3, 2011