Re: Something I can't get off my mind

[Guest guest]

Just a quick update, I emailed my dad & asked if he would be willing to make

copies & send that information to me. If anything, maybe it can help me get

a little closure on this issue.

Mia

> Before I type this, I want to warn you that I personally find this very

> disturbing. I don't want to trigger anyone, but I'm not sure how to get

> this off my mind or if any action can be taken regarding the situation.

>

> So 20 months ago when I moved out of state, nada had 3 weeks just like

> everyone else to return my phone calls & email. She did the silent

> treatment and didn't return them. So I played " baseball'. I emailed her

> once, called her twice... that was 3 strikes... she's out of my life. I had

> been contemplating going NC with her for about 2 years before this happened.

>

> Anyway, she & my dad are divorced. I went up at the end of October for an

> impromptu visit. I missed my family & wanted to see them and dad said to

> come on into town.

>

> Every time I see my dad, he asks me if I have spoken to nada. I tell him

> no, and he says, " I honestly don't blame you " . We got to talking about some

> of the things she had said & done to me & he told me something that has been

> on my mind quite a lot ever since.

>

> I was an only child, but I was supposed to have a baby brother. My dad

> told me that when nada was pregnant with him, she would beat on her stomach

> with her fists, or pots & pans or whatever and scream out in a rage, " I

> don't want this F***ing baby, I hope it F***ing dies " . She got her wish.

> My baby brother died approximately 30 minutes after he was born.

>

> Now, I can't be 100% sure but such a big part of me says, " She killed him " .

>

> I had a girl's night out tonight with some gals I go to nursing school

> with. I brought it up with them. They were simply speechless. One friend

> looked at me & said, " Have you reported this? You should think about

> reporting it. "

>

> I had thought about that previously, but I don't know what anyone could do.

> This was probably about 30 years ago and my parents donated his little body

> to science.

>

> When I was about 18 or 19 I asked my dad if I could see any papers he had

> on him. He had a whole bunch of stuff. I had just taken genetics in

> college and actually saw my little brother's genes that had somehow been

> scanned & put onto paper. I saw his birth certificate, and his death

> certificate and a whole bunch of other information. It was very emotional

> for me (even though I didn't know what nada had done) and I honestly cannot

> for the life of me remember what they put as cause of death.

>

> I really find this highly disturbing. And I really don't know how I would

> even go about reporting it to anyone. I know I can't get legal advice here,

> but I wonder if they could even do anything about it. And of course, I

> wonder what happened to him... where he's at now. Sorry... I know that's

> really dark, but I wish I had someplace I could go to put flowers or

> something.

>

> I knew I was going to have a sibling. I was only about 3 at the time, but

> I knew. And I have never forgotten him. I know it's kinda crazy, but

> sometimes when I pray I talk to him too.

>

> I wish there was some way I could bring justice to him and frankly to me

> too.

>

> Thanks for reading.

> Mia

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Mia,

I am so sorry for this struggle in your life. Yes it is very dark and

disturbing - but she is likely one of many woman to have gone to such measures

with an unwanted pregnancy. I know that doesn't ease your burden.

I am curious tho, why didn't your father report her behavior? He evidently knew

she had acted this way? Did he try to get her help? I am not trying to pry by

any means here. Just an outsider perspective.

I think praying and talking to your baby brother is sweet and lovely. I'm sure

his spirit hears yours.

Stay strong,

>

> Before I type this, I want to warn you that I personally find this very

> disturbing. I don't want to trigger anyone, but I'm not sure how to get

> this off my mind or if any action can be taken regarding the situation.

>

> So 20 months ago when I moved out of state, nada had 3 weeks just like

> everyone else to return my phone calls & email. She did the silent

> treatment and didn't return them. So I played " baseball'. I emailed her

> once, called her twice... that was 3 strikes... she's out of my life. I had

> been contemplating going NC with her for about 2 years before this happened.

>

> Anyway, she & my dad are divorced. I went up at the end of October for an

> impromptu visit. I missed my family & wanted to see them and dad said to

> come on into town.

>

> Every time I see my dad, he asks me if I have spoken to nada. I tell him

> no, and he says, " I honestly don't blame you " . We got to talking about some

> of the things she had said & done to me & he told me something that has been

> on my mind quite a lot ever since.

>

> I was an only child, but I was supposed to have a baby brother. My dad told

> me that when nada was pregnant with him, she would beat on her stomach with

> her fists, or pots & pans or whatever and scream out in a rage, " I don't

> want this F***ing baby, I hope it F***ing dies " . She got her wish. My baby

> brother died approximately 30 minutes after he was born.

>

> Now, I can't be 100% sure but such a big part of me says, " She killed him " .

>

> I had a girl's night out tonight with some gals I go to nursing school with.

> I brought it up with them. They were simply speechless. One friend looked

> at me & said, " Have you reported this? You should think about reporting

> it. "

>

> I had thought about that previously, but I don't know what anyone could do.

> This was probably about 30 years ago and my parents donated his little body

> to science.

>

> When I was about 18 or 19 I asked my dad if I could see any papers he had on

> him. He had a whole bunch of stuff. I had just taken genetics in college

> and actually saw my little brother's genes that had somehow been scanned &

> put onto paper. I saw his birth certificate, and his death certificate and

> a whole bunch of other information. It was very emotional for me (even

> though I didn't know what nada had done) and I honestly cannot for the life

> of me remember what they put as cause of death.

>

> I really find this highly disturbing. And I really don't know how I would

> even go about reporting it to anyone. I know I can't get legal advice here,

> but I wonder if they could even do anything about it. And of course, I

> wonder what happened to him... where he's at now. Sorry... I know that's

> really dark, but I wish I had someplace I could go to put flowers or

> something.

>

> I knew I was going to have a sibling. I was only about 3 at the time, but I

> knew. And I have never forgotten him. I know it's kinda crazy, but

> sometimes when I pray I talk to him too.

>

> I wish there was some way I could bring justice to him and frankly to me

> too.

>

> Thanks for reading.

> Mia

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Mia,

I am so sorry for this struggle in your life. Yes it is very dark and

disturbing - but she is likely one of many woman to have gone to such measures

with an unwanted pregnancy. I know that doesn't ease your burden.

I am curious tho, why didn't your father report her behavior? He evidently knew

she had acted this way? Did he try to get her help? I am not trying to pry by

any means here. Just an outsider perspective.

I think praying and talking to your baby brother is sweet and lovely. I'm sure

his spirit hears yours.

Stay strong,

>

> Before I type this, I want to warn you that I personally find this very

> disturbing. I don't want to trigger anyone, but I'm not sure how to get

> this off my mind or if any action can be taken regarding the situation.

>

> So 20 months ago when I moved out of state, nada had 3 weeks just like

> everyone else to return my phone calls & email. She did the silent

> treatment and didn't return them. So I played " baseball'. I emailed her

> once, called her twice... that was 3 strikes... she's out of my life. I had

> been contemplating going NC with her for about 2 years before this happened.

>

> Anyway, she & my dad are divorced. I went up at the end of October for an

> impromptu visit. I missed my family & wanted to see them and dad said to

> come on into town.

>

> Every time I see my dad, he asks me if I have spoken to nada. I tell him

> no, and he says, " I honestly don't blame you " . We got to talking about some

> of the things she had said & done to me & he told me something that has been

> on my mind quite a lot ever since.

>

> I was an only child, but I was supposed to have a baby brother. My dad told

> me that when nada was pregnant with him, she would beat on her stomach with

> her fists, or pots & pans or whatever and scream out in a rage, " I don't

> want this F***ing baby, I hope it F***ing dies " . She got her wish. My baby

> brother died approximately 30 minutes after he was born.

>

> Now, I can't be 100% sure but such a big part of me says, " She killed him " .

>

> I had a girl's night out tonight with some gals I go to nursing school with.

> I brought it up with them. They were simply speechless. One friend looked

> at me & said, " Have you reported this? You should think about reporting

> it. "

>

> I had thought about that previously, but I don't know what anyone could do.

> This was probably about 30 years ago and my parents donated his little body

> to science.

>

> When I was about 18 or 19 I asked my dad if I could see any papers he had on

> him. He had a whole bunch of stuff. I had just taken genetics in college

> and actually saw my little brother's genes that had somehow been scanned &

> put onto paper. I saw his birth certificate, and his death certificate and

> a whole bunch of other information. It was very emotional for me (even

> though I didn't know what nada had done) and I honestly cannot for the life

> of me remember what they put as cause of death.

>

> I really find this highly disturbing. And I really don't know how I would

> even go about reporting it to anyone. I know I can't get legal advice here,

> but I wonder if they could even do anything about it. And of course, I

> wonder what happened to him... where he's at now. Sorry... I know that's

> really dark, but I wish I had someplace I could go to put flowers or

> something.

>

> I knew I was going to have a sibling. I was only about 3 at the time, but I

> knew. And I have never forgotten him. I know it's kinda crazy, but

> sometimes when I pray I talk to him too.

>

> I wish there was some way I could bring justice to him and frankly to me

> too.

>

> Thanks for reading.

> Mia

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Mia,

I am so sorry for this struggle in your life. Yes it is very dark and

disturbing - but she is likely one of many woman to have gone to such measures

with an unwanted pregnancy. I know that doesn't ease your burden.

I am curious tho, why didn't your father report her behavior? He evidently knew

she had acted this way? Did he try to get her help? I am not trying to pry by

any means here. Just an outsider perspective.

I think praying and talking to your baby brother is sweet and lovely. I'm sure

his spirit hears yours.

Stay strong,

>

> Before I type this, I want to warn you that I personally find this very

> disturbing. I don't want to trigger anyone, but I'm not sure how to get

> this off my mind or if any action can be taken regarding the situation.

>

> So 20 months ago when I moved out of state, nada had 3 weeks just like

> everyone else to return my phone calls & email. She did the silent

> treatment and didn't return them. So I played " baseball'. I emailed her

> once, called her twice... that was 3 strikes... she's out of my life. I had

> been contemplating going NC with her for about 2 years before this happened.

>

> Anyway, she & my dad are divorced. I went up at the end of October for an

> impromptu visit. I missed my family & wanted to see them and dad said to

> come on into town.

>

> Every time I see my dad, he asks me if I have spoken to nada. I tell him

> no, and he says, " I honestly don't blame you " . We got to talking about some

> of the things she had said & done to me & he told me something that has been

> on my mind quite a lot ever since.

>

> I was an only child, but I was supposed to have a baby brother. My dad told

> me that when nada was pregnant with him, she would beat on her stomach with

> her fists, or pots & pans or whatever and scream out in a rage, " I don't

> want this F***ing baby, I hope it F***ing dies " . She got her wish. My baby

> brother died approximately 30 minutes after he was born.

>

> Now, I can't be 100% sure but such a big part of me says, " She killed him " .

>

> I had a girl's night out tonight with some gals I go to nursing school with.

> I brought it up with them. They were simply speechless. One friend looked

> at me & said, " Have you reported this? You should think about reporting

> it. "

>

> I had thought about that previously, but I don't know what anyone could do.

> This was probably about 30 years ago and my parents donated his little body

> to science.

>

> When I was about 18 or 19 I asked my dad if I could see any papers he had on

> him. He had a whole bunch of stuff. I had just taken genetics in college

> and actually saw my little brother's genes that had somehow been scanned &

> put onto paper. I saw his birth certificate, and his death certificate and

> a whole bunch of other information. It was very emotional for me (even

> though I didn't know what nada had done) and I honestly cannot for the life

> of me remember what they put as cause of death.

>

> I really find this highly disturbing. And I really don't know how I would

> even go about reporting it to anyone. I know I can't get legal advice here,

> but I wonder if they could even do anything about it. And of course, I

> wonder what happened to him... where he's at now. Sorry... I know that's

> really dark, but I wish I had someplace I could go to put flowers or

> something.

>

> I knew I was going to have a sibling. I was only about 3 at the time, but I

> knew. And I have never forgotten him. I know it's kinda crazy, but

> sometimes when I pray I talk to him too.

>

> I wish there was some way I could bring justice to him and frankly to me

> too.

>

> Thanks for reading.

> Mia

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Your story made me cry. That is a shocking thing to learn; what an appallingly

graphic demonstration of how deeply disturbed your nada was then, and still is.

I'm not sure whether after 30 years there is any kind of legal recourse for you,

although if I'm remembering correctly there is no statute of limitations on

murder. But even if she were charged with murder at this point in time, there

is no hard evidence and it would be your father's word against hers.

Since there is no grave-site you know of, maybe you could create a memorial to

your little brother in the form of a scholarship fund, perhaps. Or, make a

donation in his name to one of the organizations that helps promote awareness

and prevention of child abuse and neglect. I think that would be a very

positive way to recognize your little brother's brief life: helping other kids

in his name.

-Annie

>

> Before I type this, I want to warn you that I personally find this very

> disturbing. I don't want to trigger anyone, but I'm not sure how to get

> this off my mind or if any action can be taken regarding the situation.

>

> So 20 months ago when I moved out of state, nada had 3 weeks just like

> everyone else to return my phone calls & email. She did the silent

> treatment and didn't return them. So I played " baseball'. I emailed her

> once, called her twice... that was 3 strikes... she's out of my life. I had

> been contemplating going NC with her for about 2 years before this happened.

>

> Anyway, she & my dad are divorced. I went up at the end of October for an

> impromptu visit. I missed my family & wanted to see them and dad said to

> come on into town.

>

> Every time I see my dad, he asks me if I have spoken to nada. I tell him

> no, and he says, " I honestly don't blame you " . We got to talking about some

> of the things she had said & done to me & he told me something that has been

> on my mind quite a lot ever since.

>

> I was an only child, but I was supposed to have a baby brother. My dad told

> me that when nada was pregnant with him, she would beat on her stomach with

> her fists, or pots & pans or whatever and scream out in a rage, " I don't

> want this F***ing baby, I hope it F***ing dies " . She got her wish. My baby

> brother died approximately 30 minutes after he was born.

>

> Now, I can't be 100% sure but such a big part of me says, " She killed him " .

>

> I had a girl's night out tonight with some gals I go to nursing school with.

> I brought it up with them. They were simply speechless. One friend looked

> at me & said, " Have you reported this? You should think about reporting

> it. "

>

> I had thought about that previously, but I don't know what anyone could do.

> This was probably about 30 years ago and my parents donated his little body

> to science.

>

> When I was about 18 or 19 I asked my dad if I could see any papers he had on

> him. He had a whole bunch of stuff. I had just taken genetics in college

> and actually saw my little brother's genes that had somehow been scanned &

> put onto paper. I saw his birth certificate, and his death certificate and

> a whole bunch of other information. It was very emotional for me (even

> though I didn't know what nada had done) and I honestly cannot for the life

> of me remember what they put as cause of death.

>

> I really find this highly disturbing. And I really don't know how I would

> even go about reporting it to anyone. I know I can't get legal advice here,

> but I wonder if they could even do anything about it. And of course, I

> wonder what happened to him... where he's at now. Sorry... I know that's

> really dark, but I wish I had someplace I could go to put flowers or

> something.

>

> I knew I was going to have a sibling. I was only about 3 at the time, but I

> knew. And I have never forgotten him. I know it's kinda crazy, but

> sometimes when I pray I talk to him too.

>

> I wish there was some way I could bring justice to him and frankly to me

> too.

>

> Thanks for reading.

> Mia

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Your story made me cry. That is a shocking thing to learn; what an appallingly

graphic demonstration of how deeply disturbed your nada was then, and still is.

I'm not sure whether after 30 years there is any kind of legal recourse for you,

although if I'm remembering correctly there is no statute of limitations on

murder. But even if she were charged with murder at this point in time, there

is no hard evidence and it would be your father's word against hers.

Since there is no grave-site you know of, maybe you could create a memorial to

your little brother in the form of a scholarship fund, perhaps. Or, make a

donation in his name to one of the organizations that helps promote awareness

and prevention of child abuse and neglect. I think that would be a very

positive way to recognize your little brother's brief life: helping other kids

in his name.

-Annie

>

> Before I type this, I want to warn you that I personally find this very

> disturbing. I don't want to trigger anyone, but I'm not sure how to get

> this off my mind or if any action can be taken regarding the situation.

>

> So 20 months ago when I moved out of state, nada had 3 weeks just like

> everyone else to return my phone calls & email. She did the silent

> treatment and didn't return them. So I played " baseball'. I emailed her

> once, called her twice... that was 3 strikes... she's out of my life. I had

> been contemplating going NC with her for about 2 years before this happened.

>

> Anyway, she & my dad are divorced. I went up at the end of October for an

> impromptu visit. I missed my family & wanted to see them and dad said to

> come on into town.

>

> Every time I see my dad, he asks me if I have spoken to nada. I tell him

> no, and he says, " I honestly don't blame you " . We got to talking about some

> of the things she had said & done to me & he told me something that has been

> on my mind quite a lot ever since.

>

> I was an only child, but I was supposed to have a baby brother. My dad told

> me that when nada was pregnant with him, she would beat on her stomach with

> her fists, or pots & pans or whatever and scream out in a rage, " I don't

> want this F***ing baby, I hope it F***ing dies " . She got her wish. My baby

> brother died approximately 30 minutes after he was born.

>

> Now, I can't be 100% sure but such a big part of me says, " She killed him " .

>

> I had a girl's night out tonight with some gals I go to nursing school with.

> I brought it up with them. They were simply speechless. One friend looked

> at me & said, " Have you reported this? You should think about reporting

> it. "

>

> I had thought about that previously, but I don't know what anyone could do.

> This was probably about 30 years ago and my parents donated his little body

> to science.

>

> When I was about 18 or 19 I asked my dad if I could see any papers he had on

> him. He had a whole bunch of stuff. I had just taken genetics in college

> and actually saw my little brother's genes that had somehow been scanned &

> put onto paper. I saw his birth certificate, and his death certificate and

> a whole bunch of other information. It was very emotional for me (even

> though I didn't know what nada had done) and I honestly cannot for the life

> of me remember what they put as cause of death.

>

> I really find this highly disturbing. And I really don't know how I would

> even go about reporting it to anyone. I know I can't get legal advice here,

> but I wonder if they could even do anything about it. And of course, I

> wonder what happened to him... where he's at now. Sorry... I know that's

> really dark, but I wish I had someplace I could go to put flowers or

> something.

>

> I knew I was going to have a sibling. I was only about 3 at the time, but I

> knew. And I have never forgotten him. I know it's kinda crazy, but

> sometimes when I pray I talk to him too.

>

> I wish there was some way I could bring justice to him and frankly to me

> too.

>

> Thanks for reading.

> Mia

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Your story made me cry. That is a shocking thing to learn; what an appallingly

graphic demonstration of how deeply disturbed your nada was then, and still is.

I'm not sure whether after 30 years there is any kind of legal recourse for you,

although if I'm remembering correctly there is no statute of limitations on

murder. But even if she were charged with murder at this point in time, there

is no hard evidence and it would be your father's word against hers.

Since there is no grave-site you know of, maybe you could create a memorial to

your little brother in the form of a scholarship fund, perhaps. Or, make a

donation in his name to one of the organizations that helps promote awareness

and prevention of child abuse and neglect. I think that would be a very

positive way to recognize your little brother's brief life: helping other kids

in his name.

-Annie

>

> Before I type this, I want to warn you that I personally find this very

> disturbing. I don't want to trigger anyone, but I'm not sure how to get

> this off my mind or if any action can be taken regarding the situation.

>

> So 20 months ago when I moved out of state, nada had 3 weeks just like

> everyone else to return my phone calls & email. She did the silent

> treatment and didn't return them. So I played " baseball'. I emailed her

> once, called her twice... that was 3 strikes... she's out of my life. I had

> been contemplating going NC with her for about 2 years before this happened.

>

> Anyway, she & my dad are divorced. I went up at the end of October for an

> impromptu visit. I missed my family & wanted to see them and dad said to

> come on into town.

>

> Every time I see my dad, he asks me if I have spoken to nada. I tell him

> no, and he says, " I honestly don't blame you " . We got to talking about some

> of the things she had said & done to me & he told me something that has been

> on my mind quite a lot ever since.

>

> I was an only child, but I was supposed to have a baby brother. My dad told

> me that when nada was pregnant with him, she would beat on her stomach with

> her fists, or pots & pans or whatever and scream out in a rage, " I don't

> want this F***ing baby, I hope it F***ing dies " . She got her wish. My baby

> brother died approximately 30 minutes after he was born.

>

> Now, I can't be 100% sure but such a big part of me says, " She killed him " .

>

> I had a girl's night out tonight with some gals I go to nursing school with.

> I brought it up with them. They were simply speechless. One friend looked

> at me & said, " Have you reported this? You should think about reporting

> it. "

>

> I had thought about that previously, but I don't know what anyone could do.

> This was probably about 30 years ago and my parents donated his little body

> to science.

>

> When I was about 18 or 19 I asked my dad if I could see any papers he had on

> him. He had a whole bunch of stuff. I had just taken genetics in college

> and actually saw my little brother's genes that had somehow been scanned &

> put onto paper. I saw his birth certificate, and his death certificate and

> a whole bunch of other information. It was very emotional for me (even

> though I didn't know what nada had done) and I honestly cannot for the life

> of me remember what they put as cause of death.

>

> I really find this highly disturbing. And I really don't know how I would

> even go about reporting it to anyone. I know I can't get legal advice here,

> but I wonder if they could even do anything about it. And of course, I

> wonder what happened to him... where he's at now. Sorry... I know that's

> really dark, but I wish I had someplace I could go to put flowers or

> something.

>

> I knew I was going to have a sibling. I was only about 3 at the time, but I

> knew. And I have never forgotten him. I know it's kinda crazy, but

> sometimes when I pray I talk to him too.

>

> I wish there was some way I could bring justice to him and frankly to me

> too.

>

> Thanks for reading.

> Mia

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

So, I'm getting the impression that it was a home birth, and the baby died a few

hours after birth? Enough time had passed so that your nada was able to get up

and walk into the room where you were just after your grandmother came into the

room to scoop you up?

-Annie

>

> Yikes Girlscout. I mean, the whole thing you posted is disturbing, but the

> part that strikes me most is that she TOLD YOU about the conception. You

> were 10? Sick sick sick.

>

> I don't know how my nada reacted. I was 3ish at the time. The only thing I

> personally remember is that my grandnada's neighbors were watching me, but

> at grandnada's house (I'm just goint to use GN for grandnada because my

> fingers do not like typing that word lol). Anyway, I was playing on GN's

> kitchen floor with some little car toys I had. I knew nada was having the

> baby and I remember being excited to meet my sibling. Well, GN came in the

> house and just looked at me very worried and then nada shortly behind her.

> She scooped me up and just cried & cried. Then she put me down & I didn't

> see her for a long time. Seems like days.... I have no idea, I was very very

> young.

>

> I also remember GN telling me that my brother went to heaven. That is about

> it for what I remember.

>

> I tried to ask GN about my brother when I was older... maybe 7 - 9 years

> old. She told me he was beautiful & perfectly healthy & they didn't know why

> he died. I asked where he was burried, she told me they donated his body to

> science.

>

> I think around that time I had tried asking nada about him too. Maybe I

> asked her first & she didn't respond and that's why I asked GN... I don't

> remember. But I DO remember trying to very gently talk to nada about it

> when I was older, about 17 or 18? I think, in fact, this was shortly before

> she kicked me out. I went to stay at my dad's and I think this around the

> same time he showed me all the paperwork he had on my brother.

>

> I will never forget the look on nadas face when I brought up my brother. I

> was twisted... evil... yet sad & fearful. She just sort of gritted her

> teeth & looked at me and very forcefully said " drop it " . You better bet

> your arse that I did. I had seen that look on her face before, and it

> usually preceded me getting the @)#( beat out of me. I won't lie... I will

> never forget that face as long as I live and even thinking about it now

> gives me the creeps. At that time, I just atributed it to a woman who was

> angry & still sad about losing a child. I mean, that has GOT to be an awful

> awful thing for anyone to go through.

>

> My nada is infamous for putting up giant reinforced brick & steel walls that

> span for miles; both high & wide. I know very little about her life. She

> never ever let me in. From what I have read, that is often a hermit BPD

> trait and one of the reasons I believe she's the witch/hermit type

> primarily.

>

> Yeah... no clue how she acted. If she used it to get pitty or not, I don't

> know. She was not very often the waif.

>

> Mia

[Guest guest]

So, I'm getting the impression that it was a home birth, and the baby died a few

hours after birth? Enough time had passed so that your nada was able to get up

and walk into the room where you were just after your grandmother came into the

room to scoop you up?

-Annie

>

> Yikes Girlscout. I mean, the whole thing you posted is disturbing, but the

> part that strikes me most is that she TOLD YOU about the conception. You

> were 10? Sick sick sick.

>

> I don't know how my nada reacted. I was 3ish at the time. The only thing I

> personally remember is that my grandnada's neighbors were watching me, but

> at grandnada's house (I'm just goint to use GN for grandnada because my

> fingers do not like typing that word lol). Anyway, I was playing on GN's

> kitchen floor with some little car toys I had. I knew nada was having the

> baby and I remember being excited to meet my sibling. Well, GN came in the

> house and just looked at me very worried and then nada shortly behind her.

> She scooped me up and just cried & cried. Then she put me down & I didn't

> see her for a long time. Seems like days.... I have no idea, I was very very

> young.

>

> I also remember GN telling me that my brother went to heaven. That is about

> it for what I remember.

>

> I tried to ask GN about my brother when I was older... maybe 7 - 9 years

> old. She told me he was beautiful & perfectly healthy & they didn't know why

> he died. I asked where he was burried, she told me they donated his body to

> science.

>

> I think around that time I had tried asking nada about him too. Maybe I

> asked her first & she didn't respond and that's why I asked GN... I don't

> remember. But I DO remember trying to very gently talk to nada about it

> when I was older, about 17 or 18? I think, in fact, this was shortly before

> she kicked me out. I went to stay at my dad's and I think this around the

> same time he showed me all the paperwork he had on my brother.

>

> I will never forget the look on nadas face when I brought up my brother. I

> was twisted... evil... yet sad & fearful. She just sort of gritted her

> teeth & looked at me and very forcefully said " drop it " . You better bet

> your arse that I did. I had seen that look on her face before, and it

> usually preceded me getting the @)#( beat out of me. I won't lie... I will

> never forget that face as long as I live and even thinking about it now

> gives me the creeps. At that time, I just atributed it to a woman who was

> angry & still sad about losing a child. I mean, that has GOT to be an awful

> awful thing for anyone to go through.

>

> My nada is infamous for putting up giant reinforced brick & steel walls that

> span for miles; both high & wide. I know very little about her life. She

> never ever let me in. From what I have read, that is often a hermit BPD

> trait and one of the reasons I believe she's the witch/hermit type

> primarily.

>

> Yeah... no clue how she acted. If she used it to get pitty or not, I don't

> know. She was not very often the waif.

>

> Mia

[Guest guest]

Ah! OK, the new details from your dad plus it being a hospital birth are making

it more clear that the baby had enough physical problems to cause him to die of

natural causes. Your grandmother's memory of him being " perfect and healthy "

were not accurate.

-Annie

>

> >

> >

> > So, I'm getting the impression that it was a home birth, and the baby died

> > a few hours after birth? Enough time had passed so that your nada was able

> > to get up and walk into the room where you were just after your grandmother

> > came into the room to scoop you up?

> >

> > -Annie

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

That's such a beautiful idea,Mia.And I love the name, " Survivor to Thriver "

foundation,it isn't corny at all,it's perfect.I have also dreamed of doing

something like this and would like to take some courses to learn how to set up a

non profit.A foundation like this is so needed.That would be so wonderful if you

could make it happen!

Naming the foundation after your brother is a beautiful idea,too.

>

> I'm sorry it made you cry, Annie =( It makes me cry too. It also makes me

> want to curse my nada into the depths of hell.

>

> Funnily enough, I have an idea for a foundation I want to create. I'd like

> some day to create a non-profit organization that helps struggling adult

> survivors of child abuse get the help they need either free or low cost

> (therapy, etc) and also would like to help adult survivors who are working

> to get well get back on their feet and get an education. I would really

> love to do that some day. I don't know if it will ever happen, but first I

> have to finish my education and start making better money so I can work on

> that. But yes, it is a huge dream of mine. It's kind of corny, but I was

> thinking of calling it " the survivor to thriver foundation "

>

> It would be awesome to name the foundation after him... the [my brother's

> name] survivor to thriver foundation. Now I'm really choked up. But

> really, ty. That's such a fabulous idea. I only hope I can make it happen

> some day.

>

> Mia

[Guest guest]

Annie comes up with many great ideas on here

I know that I still have healing to do before I could devote myself to a

project like this.I honestly hate that it's this way but I can't force my

healing along,only go with it as it goes.I have a feeling that,if I am able,I'm

going to be working well after the age of retirement because I have so much

catching up to do with what I want to do and I want to do something with my

suffering eventually that benefits others.

In the coming year I'm going to be switching directions.I work in

business and I hate it but I've learned so much from it.I am either going to go

back to school this next year or start working on a novel I want to write.There

is,in fact,always so much to explore in life and like you said,who knows where

fate might take us?

Your dream is such a worthwhile one---when the time is right for you to

begin to implement it in real terms,I believe you will know And,yes,who

knows,maybe one day we'll end up making it happen,some of us together from this

very WTO board.That would be awesome,huh?

>

> >

> >

> > That's such a beautiful idea,Mia.And I love the name, " Survivor to Thriver "

> > foundation,it isn't corny at all,it's perfect.I have also dreamed of doing

> > something like this and would like to take some courses to learn how to set

> > up a non profit.A foundation like this is so needed.That would be so

> > wonderful if you could make it happen!

> >

> > Naming the foundation after your brother is a beautiful idea,too.

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Annie comes up with many great ideas on here

I know that I still have healing to do before I could devote myself to a

project like this.I honestly hate that it's this way but I can't force my

healing along,only go with it as it goes.I have a feeling that,if I am able,I'm

going to be working well after the age of retirement because I have so much

catching up to do with what I want to do and I want to do something with my

suffering eventually that benefits others.

In the coming year I'm going to be switching directions.I work in

business and I hate it but I've learned so much from it.I am either going to go

back to school this next year or start working on a novel I want to write.There

is,in fact,always so much to explore in life and like you said,who knows where

fate might take us?

Your dream is such a worthwhile one---when the time is right for you to

begin to implement it in real terms,I believe you will know And,yes,who

knows,maybe one day we'll end up making it happen,some of us together from this

very WTO board.That would be awesome,huh?

>

> >

> >

> > That's such a beautiful idea,Mia.And I love the name, " Survivor to Thriver "

> > foundation,it isn't corny at all,it's perfect.I have also dreamed of doing

> > something like this and would like to take some courses to learn how to set

> > up a non profit.A foundation like this is so needed.That would be so

> > wonderful if you could make it happen!

> >

> > Naming the foundation after your brother is a beautiful idea,too.

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Annie comes up with many great ideas on here

I know that I still have healing to do before I could devote myself to a

project like this.I honestly hate that it's this way but I can't force my

healing along,only go with it as it goes.I have a feeling that,if I am able,I'm

going to be working well after the age of retirement because I have so much

catching up to do with what I want to do and I want to do something with my

suffering eventually that benefits others.

In the coming year I'm going to be switching directions.I work in

business and I hate it but I've learned so much from it.I am either going to go

back to school this next year or start working on a novel I want to write.There

is,in fact,always so much to explore in life and like you said,who knows where

fate might take us?

Your dream is such a worthwhile one---when the time is right for you to

begin to implement it in real terms,I believe you will know And,yes,who

knows,maybe one day we'll end up making it happen,some of us together from this

very WTO board.That would be awesome,huh?

>

> >

> >

> > That's such a beautiful idea,Mia.And I love the name, " Survivor to Thriver "

> > foundation,it isn't corny at all,it's perfect.I have also dreamed of doing

> > something like this and would like to take some courses to learn how to set

> > up a non profit.A foundation like this is so needed.That would be so

> > wonderful if you could make it happen!

> >

> > Naming the foundation after your brother is a beautiful idea,too.

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

It's alright,Mia,I follow you

My brain is mush today,anyhow! I've had a painful week because my cat

died and speaking of PTSD,believe me,I know.I have Complex PTSD and DDNOS (I had

full blown DID when I was younger and still have it to some extent but have

gotten a handle on it with therapy)---my cat dying brought up an ENORMOUS load

of trauma associations,hence the brain mush Tonight I'm going to take my dog

to the annual new year's party we go to,so that should be an attitude

adjustment.

Anyway--I'm one of the " worst offenders " on here for long

posts,so...don't apologize There's so much to get out,so much to work

out...The hallucinations sound scary--and that demonic voice...wow...having a

nada is really,really a trauma....I have only hallucinated once in my life

(aside from a couple of times as a kid with untreated high fevers).I was 22--I

had put a complete block out/black out on ALL of my memories from before age

twelve and they were coming back up in floods.I honestly felt like dealing with

some of them would drive me crazy because the worst of them I had had to repress

even as they were happening or create alters to experience some things.One night

when my room mate had gone away for the weekend some of these memories were

really breaking through despite my trying to ignore them and I hallucinated that

the boys who had raped me were right outside the apartment talking about

attacking me,standing under a tree near the building.It was terrifying because

it seemed so real but I knew it couldn't be,it was't possible (one of the " boys "

had died of a drug overdose,so if he was standing there he had to be a ghost

lol).It was absolutely horrible---that was a PTSD related hallucination--your

therapist was right and it's good you found one who knew about that.At the time

when that happened to me,I didn't seek out a therapist because I was " sure "

nobody would understand.

Being under alot of stress can knock you back a bit.I know that it's

hard at times to be patient with this process of healing because it can be

frustrating when you hit a bump.You are a compassionate person and the

healthcare field *needs* people like you.

Would they " let " you be a nurse if they knew? I don't know.I know that if

my boss knew what's in my head at times she'd reconsider her evaluation of

me,but you know what,we have a right to protect ourselves from other peoples'

misunderstanding of what we are dealing with.Nobody at my work knows about the

Complex PTSD because unfortunately I think that would be used against me.I'm

sure that you are conscientious enough that you would take a leave of absence if

you were unable to do your job properly and I'm sure that otherwise you'd be

able to perform your nursing duties with much sensitivity and that is so

important.

You have alot to offer the world and if you need some help right now to

deal with all the stress in your life,that's not failing I think--that's just

having the wisdom to take care of yourself.

I posted a reply to your poem but it never showed up on the

board.Sometimes my posts get eaten But I thought your poem was really

clever.I said in my post that I could never sum up the past year I've had in a

few lines like that,so the way you did that was really cool

It's good that you're here and you're venting.We didn't have mothers.We

had nadas.That's quite a cross to bear,at times heavier than at others.

Some times in our lives we just have to get through and the future will

work itself out and like you said as with our healing we can't force it and we

can't rush it.

The novel I'd like to write is this dystopian political thing that would

be a way for me to exorcise my demons " on paper " but I entertain no delusions of

making my fortune with it I need some kind of catharsis though,and something

creative...until I figure out where I'm going.Last year I was on the fast track

to promotion to the top of my company and I realized that my own healing and my

own soul HAD to take priority and I have removed myself from striving for things

I don't really want for myself,spiritually,morally.My coworkers don't

understand; my boss was disappointed in me...it's a long story...but I feel at

this point that I need to feed my soul and to find my way to living a life that

is meaningful to me.As for the non profit idea,it sounds like fun to me but

needs study and research and I'm hoping that in the coming months I will be

ready to take that on.We'll see.

It sounds like you have a similar goal.It's not easy.But it's worthwhile

to follow your own bliss even if it takes a while to catch up to it

>

> I completely understand what you're saying here & can absolutely relate. I

> too have a long way to go, and I once learned in group therapy that healing

> takes as long as it takes. You can't force it or rush it. It just takes

> time. It was from a book about grief called " tear soup " or something like

> that. It was really quite a beautiful & touching book with lovely pictures

> as well. I enjoyed it. I too will probably be working well past retirement

> due to what life has thrown at me. I imagine many of us here have our own

> mental issues we are dealing with. Mine came in the form of depression &

> really severe PTSD. I can't believe how far I've come in 3 years. It was

> so bad =( I would hallucinate and have flashbacks so often. At first I

> didn't know what was going on with the hallucinations and ended up with a

> misdiagnosis by a former psychiatrist. Finally when I sought a new

> therapist, she helped me figure it out. I was hearing things that nada had

> said to me, but it wasn't her voice. It was like this horribly creepy

> " demonic " type voice. I had assumed for years that I was schizoaffective

> and when she said that sometimes people with PTSD hallucinate too... I was

> so shocked! She helped me so much, taught me how to counter what was going

> on. I also dissociated sometimes. Not like someone with DID would, but I

> would just wander off. I have gotten so much better. But, lately with the

> enormous stress I've been under I've been going a bit backwards. I've been

> having more flashbacks and some slight disassociation. I can't even begin

> to describe to you how horrifying that is since I felt I was on the path to

> recovery. It's also horrifying from the standpoint of a nursing student.

> If they knew that, would they allow me to be a nurse? I think it is

> situational though, given that my health issues suddenly & dramaticaly got

> worse and due to it, I'm sitting out of school right now and have to have

> major surgery next month. I feel like my future is once again hanging by a

> thread.

>

> My PTSD was so bad that I was hospitalized a few times about 4 years ago.

> They kept encouraging me to apply for disability. I was raised that you DO

> NOT put your hand out, ever! I didn't want to, so I kept on working

> somehow. But the last time I was in the hospital they actually talked to my

> now-ex-husband and he talked me into it. I was reluctant and figured I

> would be denied, but amazingly I was approved. I am FOREVER grateful for

> that! It gave me the opportunity to REALLY do some work, get the help I

> needed and improve my mental health. Now, I'm facing a reevaluation. So

> that too is hanging by a thread. I'm not sure that I would be able to

> handle working & going to school right now, and honestly if I had not had to

> sit out, it probably wouldn't be a problem due to me working with vocational

> rehabilitation. Voc rehab is still in my corner, but I have no idea if I'm

> still considered in their system or not due to sitting out. So I could very

> well lose my very small income which would lead to me not being able to go

> back to school & being forced into getting a job when my doctors & therapist

> don't feel that I'm quite ready yet.

>

> Wow, I've really dumped here. Sorry about that. But yeah... I'm dealing

> with a ton right now. Not to mention my fiance's ex wife who is very very

> likely BPD. My T thinks that she triggers me and that's why I've been

> having a difficult time lately too.

>

> In July, I had " graduated " from antidepressants. I was SO happy! I had

> doc's blessing to wean off as long as I promised to reconsider them if the

> depression ever got bad again. So Monday... I'll probably be going back on

> them. Again, I feel like I've failed and fallen backwards.

>

> I just keep hoping & praying that everything works out for the best. As odd

> as it sounds, I think my life experiences have shaped me and prepared me to

> be a nurse. And not just a nurse, but a good nurse. Maybe some day a great

> nurse. I can empathise with my clients because I have experienced the

> horrors of mental illness as well as the hideous pain of physiological

> illness as well.

>

> , I hope you will shoot for your dreams. Write that novel, and

> please let us know when it's published so we can all run out & buy it! I

> love to read. I like to write too but I'm not the best writer. Though I

> have started a couple of blogs LOL. One is " Dr. Douchebag " - about horrible

> doctors I've had in my life (lol, I know the name ins't nice, but it's funny

> to me). It's also a way for me to help myself advocate for myself and maybe

> inspire others to be their own advocate when it comes to their health care.

> Sadly I don't keep up on blogging every day. The other one I just started

> the other night and it is about BPD and will be a way for me to express my

> thoughts on BPD & dealing with leaving a BPD mother only to run into a BPD

> ex wife.

>

> I am so sorry I'm so long winded. I guess I did really need to dump all

> that worry off of my chest. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time

> and not get overwhelmed. I do my breathing techniques & meditation every

> day and am still managing to keep a smile on my face (most of the time).

> But yes, right now, life is hard. And I do feel like if I had been blessed

> with a " normal " mother, perhaps I would have been on track a lot sooner.

>

> Now, I'll shut up. If anyone manages to read this whole thing, you're my

> hero! Oh, and quickly, I do also want to apologise if my writing is hard to

> follow. I had to take some pain medication today. Hate taking it, but

> yeah... pain was pretty bad.

>

> Mia

[Guest guest]

When I was in high school my nada became pregnant at age 40 with her second

husband. She didn't scream or beat on herself or anything--she wanted the

baby--but it was always meltdown rage, meltdown rage, meltdown rage at my

stepfather all, all the time. I think her BPD behavior was the worst here that

it has ever been. I remember being 15 and 16 and being truly frightened at the

way she would act. And I remember just dreading this child ever coming, because

all she would be is angry at me... for not helping enough, not holding the baby

right, whatever. Already she was expecting me to do every little thing about

the house for her. She shouldn't have to vacuum, she shouldn't have to bend

over to clean the toilets (she was home all day), she shouldn't have to this,

she shouldn't have to that. I can still hear the whining refrain in my head:

" Forty years old and pregnant, and so-and-so won't even do X. " It got to be

like a song: " Forty years old and pregnant, forty years old and pregnant! "

Then she had a miscarriage. The baby would have had Down's.

She used to say she thought the baby decided it didn't want to be here because

of my stepfather.

Heh. I think these kids take a good long look at who's giving birth to them,

scream, and run.

--.

[Guest guest]

,

So cool that you want to start a novel! When you start, let us know.

--.

[Guest guest]

,

So cool that you want to start a novel! When you start, let us know.

--.

[Guest guest]

I am sorry that happened, but I would think that would be a very difficult

thing to prove. Sounds very bpdish to me. I cannot imagine anyone doing

that...how horrible.

In a message dated 12/31/2010 7:31:44 A.M. Eastern Standard Time,

zobimia@... writes:

Before I type this, I want to warn you that I personally find this very

disturbing. I don't want to trigger anyone, but I'm not sure how to get

this off my mind or if any action can be taken regarding the situation.

So 20 months ago when I moved out of state, nada had 3 weeks just like

everyone else to return my phone calls & email. She did the silent

treatment and didn't return them. So I played " baseball'. I emailed her

once, called her twice... that was 3 strikes... she's out of my life. I had

been contemplating going NC with her for about 2 years before this

happened.

Anyway, she & my dad are divorced. I went up at the end of October for an

impromptu visit. I missed my family & wanted to see them and dad said to

come on into town.

Every time I see my dad, he asks me if I have spoken to nada. I tell him

no, and he says, " I honestly don't blame you " . We got to talking about some

of the things she had said & done to me & he told me something that has

been

on my mind quite a lot ever since.

I was an only child, but I was supposed to have a baby brother. My dad told

me that when nada was pregnant with him, she would beat on her stomach with

her fists, or pots & pans or whatever and scream out in a rage, " I don't

want this F***ing baby, I hope it F***ing dies " . She got her wish. My baby

brother died approximately 30 minutes after he was born.

Now, I can't be 100% sure but such a big part of me says, " She killed him " .

I had a girl's night out tonight with some gals I go to nursing school

with.

I brought it up with them. They were simply speechless. One friend looked

at me & said, " Have you reported this? You should think about reporting

it. "

I had thought about that previously, but I don't know what anyone could do.

This was probably about 30 years ago and my parents donated his little body

to science.

When I was about 18 or 19 I asked my dad if I could see any papers he had

on

him. He had a whole bunch of stuff. I had just taken genetics in college

and actually saw my little brother's genes that had somehow been scanned &

put onto paper. I saw his birth certificate, and his death certificate and

a whole bunch of other information. It was very emotional for me (even

though I didn't know what nada had done) and I honestly cannot for the life

of me remember what they put as cause of death.

I really find this highly disturbing. And I really don't know how I would

even go about reporting it to anyone. I know I can't get legal advice here,

but I wonder if they could even do anything about it. And of course, I

wonder what happened to him... where he's at now. Sorry... I know that's

really dark, but I wish I had someplace I could go to put flowers or

something.

I knew I was going to have a sibling. I was only about 3 at the time, but I

knew. And I have never forgotten him. I know it's kinda crazy, but

sometimes when I pray I talk to him too.

I wish there was some way I could bring justice to him and frankly to me

too.

Thanks for reading.

Mia

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[Guest guest]

I am sorry that happened, but I would think that would be a very difficult

thing to prove. Sounds very bpdish to me. I cannot imagine anyone doing

that...how horrible.

In a message dated 12/31/2010 7:31:44 A.M. Eastern Standard Time,

zobimia@... writes:

Before I type this, I want to warn you that I personally find this very

disturbing. I don't want to trigger anyone, but I'm not sure how to get

this off my mind or if any action can be taken regarding the situation.

So 20 months ago when I moved out of state, nada had 3 weeks just like

everyone else to return my phone calls & email. She did the silent

treatment and didn't return them. So I played " baseball'. I emailed her

once, called her twice... that was 3 strikes... she's out of my life. I had

been contemplating going NC with her for about 2 years before this

happened.

Anyway, she & my dad are divorced. I went up at the end of October for an

impromptu visit. I missed my family & wanted to see them and dad said to

come on into town.

Every time I see my dad, he asks me if I have spoken to nada. I tell him

no, and he says, " I honestly don't blame you " . We got to talking about some

of the things she had said & done to me & he told me something that has

been

on my mind quite a lot ever since.

I was an only child, but I was supposed to have a baby brother. My dad told

me that when nada was pregnant with him, she would beat on her stomach with

her fists, or pots & pans or whatever and scream out in a rage, " I don't

want this F***ing baby, I hope it F***ing dies " . She got her wish. My baby

brother died approximately 30 minutes after he was born.

Now, I can't be 100% sure but such a big part of me says, " She killed him " .

I had a girl's night out tonight with some gals I go to nursing school

with.

I brought it up with them. They were simply speechless. One friend looked

at me & said, " Have you reported this? You should think about reporting

it. "

I had thought about that previously, but I don't know what anyone could do.

This was probably about 30 years ago and my parents donated his little body

to science.

When I was about 18 or 19 I asked my dad if I could see any papers he had

on

him. He had a whole bunch of stuff. I had just taken genetics in college

and actually saw my little brother's genes that had somehow been scanned &

put onto paper. I saw his birth certificate, and his death certificate and

a whole bunch of other information. It was very emotional for me (even

though I didn't know what nada had done) and I honestly cannot for the life

of me remember what they put as cause of death.

I really find this highly disturbing. And I really don't know how I would

even go about reporting it to anyone. I know I can't get legal advice here,

but I wonder if they could even do anything about it. And of course, I

wonder what happened to him... where he's at now. Sorry... I know that's

really dark, but I wish I had someplace I could go to put flowers or

something.

I knew I was going to have a sibling. I was only about 3 at the time, but I

knew. And I have never forgotten him. I know it's kinda crazy, but

sometimes when I pray I talk to him too.

I wish there was some way I could bring justice to him and frankly to me

too.

Thanks for reading.

Mia

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[Guest guest]

I am sorry that happened, but I would think that would be a very difficult

thing to prove. Sounds very bpdish to me. I cannot imagine anyone doing

that...how horrible.

In a message dated 12/31/2010 7:31:44 A.M. Eastern Standard Time,

zobimia@... writes:

Before I type this, I want to warn you that I personally find this very

disturbing. I don't want to trigger anyone, but I'm not sure how to get

this off my mind or if any action can be taken regarding the situation.

So 20 months ago when I moved out of state, nada had 3 weeks just like

everyone else to return my phone calls & email. She did the silent

treatment and didn't return them. So I played " baseball'. I emailed her

once, called her twice... that was 3 strikes... she's out of my life. I had

been contemplating going NC with her for about 2 years before this

happened.

Anyway, she & my dad are divorced. I went up at the end of October for an

impromptu visit. I missed my family & wanted to see them and dad said to

come on into town.

Every time I see my dad, he asks me if I have spoken to nada. I tell him

no, and he says, " I honestly don't blame you " . We got to talking about some

of the things she had said & done to me & he told me something that has

been

on my mind quite a lot ever since.

I was an only child, but I was supposed to have a baby brother. My dad told

me that when nada was pregnant with him, she would beat on her stomach with

her fists, or pots & pans or whatever and scream out in a rage, " I don't

want this F***ing baby, I hope it F***ing dies " . She got her wish. My baby

brother died approximately 30 minutes after he was born.

Now, I can't be 100% sure but such a big part of me says, " She killed him " .

I had a girl's night out tonight with some gals I go to nursing school

with.

I brought it up with them. They were simply speechless. One friend looked

at me & said, " Have you reported this? You should think about reporting

it. "

I had thought about that previously, but I don't know what anyone could do.

This was probably about 30 years ago and my parents donated his little body

to science.

When I was about 18 or 19 I asked my dad if I could see any papers he had

on

him. He had a whole bunch of stuff. I had just taken genetics in college

and actually saw my little brother's genes that had somehow been scanned &

put onto paper. I saw his birth certificate, and his death certificate and

a whole bunch of other information. It was very emotional for me (even

though I didn't know what nada had done) and I honestly cannot for the life

of me remember what they put as cause of death.

I really find this highly disturbing. And I really don't know how I would

even go about reporting it to anyone. I know I can't get legal advice here,

but I wonder if they could even do anything about it. And of course, I

wonder what happened to him... where he's at now. Sorry... I know that's

really dark, but I wish I had someplace I could go to put flowers or

something.

I knew I was going to have a sibling. I was only about 3 at the time, but I

knew. And I have never forgotten him. I know it's kinda crazy, but

sometimes when I pray I talk to him too.

I wish there was some way I could bring justice to him and frankly to me

too.

Thanks for reading.

Mia

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[Guest guest]

Thanks , it is horrible, but I do think you're rigth. Probably nothing

to prove anyway, sounds to me more like the baby had other health issues

most likely not caused by nada. Still angry at her for abusing him too

though... poor kid couldn't even make it here before she started.

I'm thinking of drawing a picture of what I think he would have looked like

if he hadn't been sick & had survived. Might help with this grieving I'm

having.

Mia

>

>

> I am sorry that happened, but I would think that would be a very difficult

> thing to prove. Sounds very bpdish to me. I cannot imagine anyone doing

> that...how horrible.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks , it is horrible, but I do think you're rigth. Probably nothing

to prove anyway, sounds to me more like the baby had other health issues

most likely not caused by nada. Still angry at her for abusing him too

though... poor kid couldn't even make it here before she started.

I'm thinking of drawing a picture of what I think he would have looked like

if he hadn't been sick & had survived. Might help with this grieving I'm

having.

Mia

>

>

> I am sorry that happened, but I would think that would be a very difficult

> thing to prove. Sounds very bpdish to me. I cannot imagine anyone doing

> that...how horrible.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks , it is horrible, but I do think you're rigth. Probably nothing

to prove anyway, sounds to me more like the baby had other health issues

most likely not caused by nada. Still angry at her for abusing him too

though... poor kid couldn't even make it here before she started.

I'm thinking of drawing a picture of what I think he would have looked like

if he hadn't been sick & had survived. Might help with this grieving I'm

having.

Mia

>

>

> I am sorry that happened, but I would think that would be a very difficult

> thing to prove. Sounds very bpdish to me. I cannot imagine anyone doing

> that...how horrible.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks,

The tale I'm envisioning is such an apocalyptic dystopia that

BWAHAHAHA I think that for a while it's just going to serve as a personal

catharsis until perhaps I can " civilize " it enough for public consumption.The

premise: what if the populace discovered that there really was an organized

conspiracy from the top to keep them down--that actual sociopaths are in

charge-- and a civil war ensued and for me writing it,how to play with that

enough to make it seem real (kind of how Orson Wells terrified the nation with

his " War of the Worlds " radio program).

>

> ,

>

> So cool that you want to start a novel! When you start, let us know.

>

> --.

>