Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 Girlscout Cowboy, I definitely wouldn't worry about " dramatic " stories These are the things we grew up with, that could have destroyed us, and probably in some measure at the time did. Everyone here on WTO might have different details, but we all have the same bottom lines: Fear, Obligation, Guilt, criticism, resentment, suffering--BPD. I can very much relate to your story though. My step-dad has behaved similarly, buying into her ridiculous lies and treating me as such when he never asked me or anyone else what REALLY happened (or otherwise they would all try to convince me to " just get along " with her, as you said about Chwistmas (lol), not understanding that she was consuming me). Those BP's can be so convincing when they latch on and try to manipulate...Doesn't anyone else wonder if there's a piece of the story missing?? My nada tried therapy for a little while (as you suggested your dad do), but the idiot T was so blind that she bought into the crap about the nada's depression being oriented around my terrible relationship skills. She tried to reach out to me through my nada by lending books and other junk that I turned my nose up at, resentful of the fact that she " took " my nada's " side. " Eventually my T invited HER T to come to a session at which point I established that I'm not the selfish, angsty, raging and hateful daughter that my mother claimed I was. Still, all the airhead could come up with was, " oh, she has depression because of childhood trauma, " and, surprisingly, none of the meds or CBT worked. How is this possible?! I mean, I know that as children of the BP's we might tend to believe the terrible and outrageous things they say, but a trained therapist?! A grown man who has an outside frame of reference?! I'll never understand. Wishing you the best, Elle > > > > > > Many of you old timers, and I don t mean your age ladies, are > > > familiar with the concept of FOG : Fear Obligation Guilt that BP parents > > > used or use to control and manipulate us. > > > > > > > > > Some of you are also aware that I m writing a book with a working title > > > Orphans of the FOG, about the experience and effect of being the child > > > of a BP. > > > > > > I m working currently on a section about manipulation and control. I > > > would love to hear from you guys examples of FOG in your life and > > > relationship with nada. Ways in which she guilts or scares you, forces > > > you to do what you don t want to, or forces you to do what you would do > > > anyway, and thus take the joy from it. > > > > > > This can be current, when you were growing up, or fleas that still drive > > > you today, which you realize were from FOG used by nada all your life, > > > or years ago. Even if Nada is dead, as some of us have come to find > > > out, it ceases to be about her and what she does, but about us and what > > > we will choose to do, or not. The FOG stays with us KO s, long after > > > we are orphans. > > > > > > Look forward to hearing your FOG stories. > > > > > > > > > Doug > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 Amy, Your final comment is heart-wrenching but rings true for me. My best friend has an experienced, wise, and compassionate guide in her mother. What did I get? Nada, in more ways than one. It doesn't seem fair...But maybe we're stronger in different ways because of it. At this point I honestly can't tell. Still, no matter how much time passes between the day I found out my nada was BP and the year I moved out for good, every once in awhile I sit down again and ask that question one more time: Why? Why me? Why anyone, for that matter? None of us ever asked for this. Luckily we (hopefully) have other great people in our lives to lean on--though they're still not our mother. Best wishes and sincere admiration for all the work you do (wow!), Elle > > > > Many of you old timers, and I don t mean your age ladies, are > > familiar with the concept of FOG : Fear Obligation Guilt that BP parents > > used or use to control and manipulate us. > > > > > > Some of you are also aware that I m writing a book with a working title > > Orphans of the FOG, about the experience and effect of being the child > > of a BP. > > > > I m working currently on a section about manipulation and control. I > > would love to hear from you guys examples of FOG in your life and > > relationship with nada. Ways in which she guilts or scares you, forces > > you to do what you don t want to, or forces you to do what you would do > > anyway, and thus take the joy from it. > > > > This can be current, when you were growing up, or fleas that still drive > > you today, which you realize were from FOG used by nada all your life, > > or years ago. Even if Nada is dead, as some of us have come to find > > out, it ceases to be about her and what she does, but about us and what > > we will choose to do, or not. The FOG stays with us KO s, long after > > we are orphans. > > > > Look forward to hearing your FOG stories. > > > > > > Doug > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 Amy, Your final comment is heart-wrenching but rings true for me. My best friend has an experienced, wise, and compassionate guide in her mother. What did I get? Nada, in more ways than one. It doesn't seem fair...But maybe we're stronger in different ways because of it. At this point I honestly can't tell. Still, no matter how much time passes between the day I found out my nada was BP and the year I moved out for good, every once in awhile I sit down again and ask that question one more time: Why? Why me? Why anyone, for that matter? None of us ever asked for this. Luckily we (hopefully) have other great people in our lives to lean on--though they're still not our mother. Best wishes and sincere admiration for all the work you do (wow!), Elle > > > > Many of you old timers, and I don t mean your age ladies, are > > familiar with the concept of FOG : Fear Obligation Guilt that BP parents > > used or use to control and manipulate us. > > > > > > Some of you are also aware that I m writing a book with a working title > > Orphans of the FOG, about the experience and effect of being the child > > of a BP. > > > > I m working currently on a section about manipulation and control. I > > would love to hear from you guys examples of FOG in your life and > > relationship with nada. Ways in which she guilts or scares you, forces > > you to do what you don t want to, or forces you to do what you would do > > anyway, and thus take the joy from it. > > > > This can be current, when you were growing up, or fleas that still drive > > you today, which you realize were from FOG used by nada all your life, > > or years ago. Even if Nada is dead, as some of us have come to find > > out, it ceases to be about her and what she does, but about us and what > > we will choose to do, or not. The FOG stays with us KO s, long after > > we are orphans. > > > > Look forward to hearing your FOG stories. > > > > > > Doug > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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