Re: FOG in action

[Guest guest]

Hi, Elle......I've struggled with this too; it's just not fair.....life isn't

fair.........we don't all have the same opportunities, but........each of us has

her own challenges and ways to become strong, if we can see it that way.  *sigh*

~ Alastriona ~ 

Subject: Re: FOG in action

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Wednesday, December 15, 2010, 11:34 PM

Amy,

Your final comment is heart-wrenching but rings true for me. My best friend has

an experienced, wise, and compassionate guide in her mother. What did I get?

Nada, in more ways than one. It doesn't seem fair...But maybe we're stronger in

different ways because of it. At this point I honestly can't tell.

Still, no matter how much time passes between the day I found out my nada was BP

and the year I moved out for good, every once in awhile I sit down again and ask

that question one more time: Why? Why me? Why anyone, for that matter? None of

us ever asked for this.

Luckily we (hopefully) have other great people in our lives to lean on--though

they're still not our mother.

Best wishes and sincere admiration for all the work you do (wow!),

Elle

> >

> > Many of you old timers,  and I don t mean your age ladies,    are

> > familiar with the concept of FOG : Fear Obligation Guilt that BP parents

> > used or use to control and manipulate us.

> >

> >

> > Some of you are also aware that I m writing a book with a working title

> > Orphans of the FOG, about the experience and effect of being the child

> > of a BP.

> >

> > I m working currently on a section about manipulation and control.   I

> > would love to hear from you guys examples of FOG in your life and

> > relationship with nada.   Ways in which she guilts or scares you, forces

> > you to do what you don t want to, or forces you to do what you would do

> > anyway, and thus take the joy from it.

> >

> > This can be current, when you were growing up, or fleas that still drive

> > you today, which you realize were from FOG used by nada all your life,

> > or years ago.  Even if Nada is dead, as some of us have come to find

> > out,  it ceases to be about her and what she does, but about us and what

> > we will choose to do, or not.   The FOG stays with us KO s, long after

> > we are orphans.

> >

> > Look forward to hearing your FOG stories.

> >

> >

> > Doug

> >

>

>

>     

>             

>

>   

> 

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh, so many of our stories have the same basic underpinnings... it is somewhat

to know that I we are not alone, and yet it is also terribly sad.

Speaking of " flying monkeys " - when I was pregnant with my first child, my

mother worked day and night battering me mentally, emotionally and

psychologically, trying to convince me to have an abortion. Then she began

recruiting others, telling them who knows what, so I had aunts and friends of

the family, and even my grandmother, calling me from 4 different continents,

trying to convince me to abort my baby (most of these people hadn't seen me in

years and had no meaningful relationship with me whatsoever). After she realized

that abortion wasn't something I would ever do and it became too late anyways,

she tried to convince me to give up my baby for adoption (up until 2 days before

I actually delivered him!). Thinking back on it is absolutely surreal to me, and

yet she has the nerve to tell me that it was all for my " own good " . She has all

these grievances against me since I am such a terrible daughter to her, etc.

etc. etc. ad nauseam.

>

> >

> >

> > Arianna,

> > I feel similar to you.

> > My mom uses babytalk to always tell me that she doesn't like where my house

> > is located.

> > I have 5 kids and my husband whom I cook for almost every night, i drive

> > all kids around every day to music lessons, sports teams, playdates,

> > library, I food shop twice a week, I clean the house myself, help with

> > everyone's homework, I am trying to start my own internet-based business,

> > and i work at home for my husband. Needless to say, I'm tired!!

> >

> > my mother obsesses about us moving to a mother-daughter home so she can

> > live with us under the guise of that she doesn't like the busy village

> > corner house we live in. she doesn't understand that even if i had all the

> > time in the world to pack up and move...i wouldn't live with her ever again.

> >

> > i don't even enjoy the lucid moments anymore and they are kept to a

> > minimum.

> >

> > i sincerely miss having a stable mom in my upbringing and now. when i see

> > my friends with their moms, i sometimes can't fathom why i didn't get one of

> > those.

> >

> > Amy

> >