Addiction...

[Guest guest]

I've thought of myself as addicted to sugar for a long time. Recently I heard

something Geneen Roth's said, " ...when you feel out of control around food, it's

because you believe you're out of control " . Something to that effect.

I was told I was out of control all of my life (and that emotions were dangerous

and to be avoided). Being out of control has been a sort of banner for me - my

theme song in a way. It's been the excuse to rebel, to mess up, to quit and to

abandon myself to the power of my mother's words about who I was. Worthless -

and out of control.

Hearing that the belief in being out of control might be at the center of my out

of controlness around food clicked for me. Now, at times, when that particular

battle starts to engage, I can see it for what it is and realize that I don't

have to be out of control if I choose. That I'm not the monster I thought I was

all these years.

That's not the only reason I've mis-used food - but the notion that maybe I can

actually trust myself is very potent and affirming.

I was into " overcoming overeating " many years back. I used that experiment to

eat pints of Hagan Daas every day for months on end. A " formerly forbidden

food " and one that doesn't actually agree with my system all that well; but who

cares about systems when you've suddenly been given permission to eat?

That was my first experiment with " intuitive eating " but my intuition was

clouded with subjectivity, projection, panic, lack of self trust and a ravenous

demand for everything I'd ever wanted to eat and didn't. Now, things are

settled a bit more, I'm a bit wiser and wondering if I am actually ready to

commit to giving up self-abandonment. Sounds weird, but I'm still mulling all

of that over.

Having lived a life of reaction, impulsivity, defiance and hoping to be thin

without realizing that much of me didn't want it anyway, - all those obessions

that I've spent my every waking moment on... exchanging all of that for this

awkward walk into living from the inside out is - daunting.