Stages of grief...

[Guest guest]

I thought about quitting the group earlier; feeling like I'd fallen so far off

the wagon that I could never get back on again. And that writing about my

failures would only bring down the group...

I remember all those OA meetings I've attended over the years with a room full

of people most of whom had no abstinence whatsoever whining incessantly about

their weight and their problems. What a drag to be part of a recovery group

with no recovery.

I contacted Gillian re committing to some phone coaching today and it brought up

a level of diet mentality I didn't know was there. I was afraid that she would

truly take food away from me forever. I know that's not what IE is, but a bunch

of old thinking reared its head in anticipation of talking to someone who might

be able to see through my stuff around food.

Now I'm feeling a deep sense of loss and fear. Because if I truly commit to IE,

it may mean that I will never get thin and I'll have to settle for being ok with

eating and - even worse - I'll never succeed at controling my food and my

weight. I'll never be what my mother wanted me to be - like her and in control.

It's weird and it's crazy - but it's a new loss; giving up on the ideal of

dieting actually working some day. Finally I'd be fulfilling some unconscious

contract with life and our stupid diet culture.

There's a disequilibrium to IE, it flies in the face of all of my internalized

rules for living. Whether they've ever worked or not,they've occupied my

thoughts for most of my life. And a deep part of me that doesn't believe I can

trust the body; how could I trust that thing? That unknown quantity that's been

defying all my wishes to be thin all of these years. That " not me " I've been

covering up with layered outfits all this time, waiting to unveil myself when I

finally " lost the weight " !

So... well that's where I am today. Over full because I was afraid of someone

taking my food away; and readying to take a leap into an unknown realm where I

don't get to bring along a carbohydrate counter, a scale, a food plan and a

program that would find me xxx months down the road and xxx pounds lighter!

Instead, I am girding my loins to exchange my life-long dream weight and size

for an unknown size, an unknowable weight and trust in a body that feels more

like foe than friend.

Kinda scary I must say. Back to basics though - eat when I'm hungry.... trust

that hunger will come and won't kill me... stop when I'm full... and trust that

stopping when I'm full won't leave a life so empty I won't know what to do with

myself... and make peace with not being in control of the outcome because

obviously I never was anyway. Drat!

One day at a time. One hunger pang at a time. One signal of being full/sated

at a time. Something like that.

Time for bed. Now, I feel angry.