Re: The girly girl thing

December 31, 2010

Hi Mia, gotta say, I sure can relate to a lot of this one. The difference

is my older sister was the tomboy and nada and fada encouraged it, praised

it, welcomed it. Me on the other hand, had to wear dresses, look pretty,

act a particular way, be the girly girl, because from as far back as I can

remember, I was to be a secretary, then get married, have children, because

I was not intelligent enough to do anything else. Nada was consistantly

critical of my appearance, weight, posture, feelings...........I was to NOT

be an individual, I was to be what they thought I should be. It messed me

up big time. You grow up thinking it is your 'job' to please everyone

(including every other abuser other then nada); you grow up with so many

insecurities and you aren't really sure who you are or how you feel. Over the

years, being disrespected feels 'normal'. I'm sorry you experienced this

too. I'm sorry so many of us on this site experienced this. We can only now

start healing.

Laurie

In a message dated 12/31/2010 9:14:37 A.M. Eastern Standard Time,

zobimia@... writes:

I started a new thread because it seemed right & because others thought

maybe it should be in a new one too.

I had commented about how when I was little my nada put me in dresses & I

would romp with the boys in the neighborhood. Finally, I got some pants.

I think I've always been a tom boy. Part of me wants to buy pretty thngs,

but like I said in that other post I feel really bizzare wearing them! As

it is, I'm chubby, short and find myself completely hideous. My ex husband

used to tell me that he thought I was that way because of nada. I do

remember her telling me things like " that's really ugly when you behave

that

way " or " you're being ugly " . I also remember her picking on me about my

weight as a kid. Weird thing is, when I got to high school (which was 8th

through 12th grades where I lived), I wanted to join track with some

friends. Nada refused. She also said I couldn't go to any dances or any

school events until I was in 9th grade. I was so upset because all of my

friends were going & doing things but I wasn't allowed.

Sometimes I would walk to the track after school with my friends on the

team. The coach was a really nice guy & had a great sense of humor. He

would look at me and say " You know, short people like you make awesome

distance runners! You should join track! " I wanted to so bad, so finally

one day when he made a comment about me joining, I told him about the way

my

nada was. He said, " Ask your nada if you can attend practices & meets as a

timer. I'll give you a stop watch. "

I asked her, and she said " absolutely not " . But I was kind of relentless.

I kept asking and getting into trouble for asking. Finally one day I said

" I'm going to ask one last time " and low & behold she finally said " FINE!

But you're NOT joining track until you're in 9th grade! "

I was so excited! And guess what? I only timed for track meets... i was

actually running & practicing with the team at practices lol. So yes, in

9th grade I did join. And shortly after even just practicing I started to

slim down a lot.

Even then, I was still " fat " in her eyes. I was a size 6 to 8. She

constantly told me I needed to run more because I was just not thin enough.

She would compare me to a beautiful tall & thin friend of mine who was on

the track team and told me I needed to try & look more like her. She was a

very down to earth girl and also dressed in jeans & comfortable things when

at school but she was drop dead gorgeous.

Maybe that's why I feel so strongly that I'm ugly. I really really mean it

when I say that folks. I don't say it fishing for compliments, I say it

because I believe it's true. It makes me feely REALLY awkward when someone

tells me I look nice, or that I'm pretty or beautiful. I mean really makes

me feel bad.

I also have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror to put on makeup or

fix my hair. I usually just put it in a ponytail (hey, works for most

nursing students lol) and often go without makeup, even though I do feel

slightly better about myself when I do put on makeup.

I have big time self image issues. But the weird thing is, I'm pretty

comfortable & happy with who I am inside. I'm ok with my personality, etc.

I just can't stand the way that I look.

I feel like I look like a man and then, at clnical one month... a client

asked me, " Boy? Girl? " I didn't know what he was asking and I was helping a

nurse's aid. I just smiled at him and then he looked at her & asked the

same thing. She said, " No no, that's Mia, she's a girl. " I just blew it

off but part of me was really hurt by that. The next month, at a different

clinical site I had yet ANOTHER client ask me the same thing! I was helping

her out of her wheel chair into bed and I introduced myself... " Hi Mrs.

XXX.

My name is Mia & I'm a nursing student. I'm going to help you back into

bed. Is that ok? " Granted, my real name is not Mia, but my real name is

not a name that could be mistaken for a man's either. She looked at me,

squinted & said " Are you a man? " I just smiled & said, " Nope, I'm a woman.

Did you need some help getting back into bed? "

I told my friends about it both times, and since we do most of our

clinicals

in long term care facilities (nursing homes) they laughed it off & said

" Well you know a lot of the folks here are really old, deaf & blind " . But I

will not lie... that just killed me a little bit each time it happened. And

what makes it worse is that I DO actually put on some makeup for

clinicals!!! It's very light and it has to be... nursing school is strict

on that. But obviously I can't fix my hair, it has to be up in a ponly tail

or off the collar.

Anyway... yeah. I have major issues with that and I hate it. I wish I could

just buy prettier clothes & wear them, but they look so wrong on me. I'm

also all about comfort, and like to be comfey! And I do admit, I loathe

the color pink. But other colors are ok.

Damn am I screwed up or what? I feel really awkward even posting this.

Mia

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

December 31, 2010

This is interesting! I, too, received no positive comments from nada

(ever). I think many of us have struggled with trying to be " perfect " , because

of all of the negative input we received; there was nothing we were doing

that was OK.................. I just watched a show about " perfectionism "

and how so many women struggle with it. Interesting too, is the fact that

a lot of these women enter into depression and stay there for prolonged

periods of time. My nada stayed in the depression, and is now in 4th stage

Alzheimers. We all need to learn who we are, accept it, love it, and know

that no one is 'perfect'! I had to stop being the people pleaser I was

taught to be. Please the people that treat you well. Ignor the ones that

treat you bad.

Laurie

In a message dated 12/31/2010 11:05:16 A.M. Eastern Standard Time,

girlscout.cowboy@... writes:

That is so interesting, Mia. Thanks for sharing. Yeah, my T has really been

helping me with my image. She asked me what i see in my mind's eye when I

picture myself and it was simpe " Quasimodo " the deformed hunchback I saw in

a movie as a kid.

She's really been helping me work on that. the first huge step was that she

taught me I was allowed to have positive thoughts about myself.

The fact is, i don't think it matters what you look like. the self image

thing is just a symbol of whether or not you value yourself inside and out.

Growing up my parents never said a single nice thing about how I looked.

And

they said a lot of negative stuff. And you can imagine the golden boy

brother who hated me . . . I hated myself and every single thing about how

I

look. Which is stupid because I'm not physically ugly. And yet i am. . . .

Anyway, my point is, it feels a lot better to feel allowed to like

yourself.

I'm sure T and I will work on it more this coming week - I'm going to talk

to her about the gender identity stuff. I also dreamed last night that I

was

putting on a big work event about pest control (weird) and I had to drive

somewhere. I got on the freeway but realized I was going the wrong way,

toward Nada's house. My grand mother (who is dead) pulled up next to me and

started yelling at me that I needed to decorate my shoes. I didn't want too

and I was yelling back that she should go to hell, or something. then I

finally got turned around, I was running late, i was stressed and i ended

up

driving to my therapists house. i had no control over where I was going.

Analyze that ha ha. My handyman has bed bugs, so i think that might explain

the pests. the grandma telling me what to wear was bugging the shit out of

me, everyone seems to love to tell me what to wear and I hate it! And then

loosing my ability to navigate and going to my T's house.

Heee heee.Dreams are so cool.

Well thanks for sharing Mia, Happy New Year. So excited for 2011 to start.

>

> I started a new thread because it seemed right & because others thought

> maybe it should be in a new one too.

>

> I had commented about how when I was little my nada put me in dresses & I

> would romp with the boys in the neighborhood. Finally, I got some pants.

>

> I think I've always been a tom boy. Part of me wants to buy pretty thngs,

> but like I said in that other post I feel really bizzare wearing them! As

> it is, I'm chubby, short and find myself completely hideous. My ex

husband

> used to tell me that he thought I was that way because of nada. I do

> remember her telling me things like " that's really ugly when you behave

> that

> way " or " you're being ugly " . I also remember her picking on me about my

> weight as a kid. Weird thing is, when I got to high school (which was 8th

> through 12th grades where I lived), I wanted to join track with some

> friends. Nada refused. She also said I couldn't go to any dances or any

> school events until I was in 9th grade. I was so upset because all of my

> friends were going & doing things but I wasn't allowed.

>

> Sometimes I would walk to the track after school with my friends on the

> team. The coach was a really nice guy & had a great sense of humor. He

> would look at me and say " You know, short people like you make awesome

> distance runners! You should join track! " I wanted to so bad, so finally

> one day when he made a comment about me joining, I told him about the way

> my

> nada was. He said, " Ask your nada if you can attend practices & meets as

a

> timer. I'll give you a stop watch. "

>

> I asked her, and she said " absolutely not " . But I was kind of relentless.

> I kept asking and getting into trouble for asking. Finally one day I

said

> " I'm going to ask one last time " and low & behold she finally said " FINE!

> But you're NOT joining track until you're in 9th grade! "

>

> I was so excited! And guess what? I only timed for track meets... i was

> actually running & practicing with the team at practices lol. So yes, in

> 9th grade I did join. And shortly after even just practicing I started to

> slim down a lot.

>

> Even then, I was still " fat " in her eyes. I was a size 6 to 8. She

> constantly told me I needed to run more because I was just not thin

enough.

> She would compare me to a beautiful tall & thin friend of mine who was on

> the track team and told me I needed to try & look more like her. She was

a

> very down to earth girl and also dressed in jeans & comfortable things

when

> at school but she was drop dead gorgeous.

>

> Maybe that's why I feel so strongly that I'm ugly. I really really mean

it

> when I say that folks. I don't say it fishing for compliments, I say it

> because I believe it's true. It makes me feely REALLY awkward when

someone

> tells me I look nice, or that I'm pretty or beautiful. I mean really

makes

> me feel bad.

>

> I also have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror to put on makeup

or

> fix my hair. I usually just put it in a ponytail (hey, works for most

> nursing students lol) and often go without makeup, even though I do feel

> slightly better about myself when I do put on makeup.

>

> I have big time self image issues. But the weird thing is, I'm pretty

> comfortable & happy with who I am inside. I'm ok with my personality,

etc.

> I just can't stand the way that I look.

>

> I feel like I look like a man and then, at clnical one month... a client

> asked me, " Boy? Girl? " I didn't know what he was asking and I was

helping a

> nurse's aid. I just smiled at him and then he looked at her & asked the

> same thing. She said, " No no, that's Mia, she's a girl. " I just blew it

> off but part of me was really hurt by that. The next month, at a

different

> clinical site I had yet ANOTHER client ask me the same thing! I was

helping

> her out of her wheel chair into bed and I introduced myself... " Hi Mrs.

> XXX.

> My name is Mia & I'm a nursing student. I'm going to help you back into

> bed. Is that ok? " Granted, my real name is not Mia, but my real name is

> not a name that could be mistaken for a man's either. She looked at me,

> squinted & said " Are you a man? " I just smiled & said, " Nope, I'm a

woman.

> Did you need some help getting back into bed? "

>

> I told my friends about it both times, and since we do most of our

> clinicals

> in long term care facilities (nursing homes) they laughed it off & said

> " Well you know a lot of the folks here are really old, deaf & blind " .

But I

> will not lie... that just killed me a little bit each time it happened.

And

> what makes it worse is that I DO actually put on some makeup for

> clinicals!!! It's very light and it has to be... nursing school is strict

> on that. But obviously I can't fix my hair, it has to be up in a ponly

tail

> or off the collar.

>

> Anyway... yeah. I have major issues with that and I hate it. I wish I

could

> just buy prettier clothes & wear them, but they look so wrong on me. I'm

> also all about comfort, and like to be comfey! And I do admit, I loathe

> the color pink. But other colors are ok.

>

> Damn am I screwed up or what? I feel really awkward even posting this.

>

> Mia

>

> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

>

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

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December 31, 2010