My Thanksgiving drama-part 2

November 29, 2010

Ahh yes, its not over yet.

At thanksgiving, before the turkey was done (about 4 p.m.) and between 7 pm, my

father made me three cocktails. I drank 2 and 1/2 of them, and threw the rest

of the third one out. During this time, we had appetizers. Then, at

dinner(7pm), there was a glass a wine in front of me, and I had one sip of it

and didnt drink anymore because I didnt like it. Mind you, my mother refused to

look at me during dinner. I drank my whole glass of water, and then drank my

father's glass of water (after a heavy turkey dinner, I must admit i was a bit

lazy and didnt want to get up and get more water, tee hee). We had desert and

then my mother had her huge blowup at 11, (most of you have read the post about

the big blow up) and I left the house at midnight to go home. In between then,

not counting the glasses of water I had at dinner, I had four big glasses of

water (turkey makes me sooo thirsty). I was no where near drunk, I was not even

buzzed. The general rule of thumb is that it takes one hour for one drink to

leave your system. So, I had about 2 and 3/4 of a drink (so, three hours to be

safe) and FIVE hours for those drinks to leave my system. Mind you, when I left

the house, I was NOT angry. I had just had enough. Also, I am above the legal

drinking age, and when I left, I was completely sober.

I received this e-mail from my nada yesterday at 2:30 in the morning:

" I have made a decision that we have no choice but to see a counselor. The fact

that your father encouraged you to leave the house after you had several

alcoholic drinks, for a long drive, it was late at night and you were very angry

is absolutely the last straw. It's a miracle you made it back to your apartment

without having an accident. He has admitted that he made at least three mixed

drinks for you and I know you had at least two or three glasses of wine with

dinner. If the police had pulled you over that night, there is absolutely no

doubt in my mind that you would have gone to jail for DWI. It took your father

to get you behind the wheel while you were intoxicated. You can deny it all you

want, but you would never have passed a breathalyzer test. I love you and I will

not stand back and let him risk your life while he tries to permanently destroy

our relationship. What he did is unconscionable. You can hate me and blame me

for everything, and that's OK. I would rather you hate me than end up dying

because of him. "

Oh, and my nada LOVES to threaten counseling when she cant get her way. She has

made it VERY clear that she thinks going to counseling is a bad thing, it means

your crazy, etc.

So, not only has she lied numerous times in this e-mail, she has twisted

everything to be my fathers fault. It was mine, and my decision alone to leave

the house. And most importantly, I WAS SOBER!!!

In combination with the way she acted on thanksgiving, and this e-mail, I have

officially decided to go LC with her. She is no longer even discussing the

fight on thanksgiving and how I supposedly " ruined " thanksgiving. Everything is

now my fathers fault.

I have also made a decision and I am starting counseling tomorrow, on my own.

Thoughts on this?

-Jade

November 29, 2010

>

> I have also made a decision and I am starting counseling tomorrow, on my own.

>

> Thoughts on this?

>

> -Jade

>

I think that's a great idea! It can be very helpful to have a neutral party

guide you through the process of detaching from a toxic family.

I would also suggest that it probably wouldn't be very helpful for you to

respond to that email. It really doesn't matter what a BPD accuses anyone of,

as long as you know the truth. It is usually just a means to hoover you back

via a long argument. It doesn't do any good to try to defend yourself or argue

about the truth is. They have their own truths, depending on what they are

feeling at the moment. Just take it as proof that she is not safe, and try not

to dwell on what she said or didn't say or how many lies she told.

I wish my mom would punish me or my dad by going to therapy! Then I might at

least get the satisfaction of having a professional BPD diagnosis. Of course,

don't be surprised if tomorrow she has changed her mind and her story.

Good luck with the transition to LC.

KT

November 29, 2010

I think that's a great plan. Seems to me that you've been conditioned to accept

an incredible amount of verbal abuse and disrespect from your nada, so much so

that (in my opinion) your ability to determine what is acceptable and

unacceptable treatment by nada has been skewed and needs to be " re-calibrated " ,

so to speak.

Its sort of like you've been raised in a " cult " , and you're ready to get

yourself de-programmed from the the cult leader's charismatic but destructive

hold on you.

My suggestion is to find a therapist who has experience treating the adult

survivors of personality-disordered parents, or the adult survivors of child

abuse, or the adult survivors of substance-abusing parents.

A marriage counselor or family therapist probably won't have the right training,

and their goal for their patients is usually reconciliation with each other. I

suggest you seek out a psychologist who has training regarding severe

personality disorders and knowledge of the psychological injuries pds do to

their kids.

My Sister was lucky; right off the bat she found a psychologist whose own mother

had been bpd/npd, so he knew exactly what Sister was going through and had a lot

of empathy and good advice for her. Sometimes you have to look around before

you settle on the right therapist for you, though; like going shopping.

I also suggest that you print out your recent posts RE the " Thanksgiving " day

incident and take them with you. Those will give your therapist a very good

picture of your nada's behaviors and how she treats you.

A big thumb's up of approval from me, for deciding to go into therapy and for

deciding on Low Contact as well. You're taking some great steps toward greater

safety and peace and healing.

I also suggest that you do not share any of your decisions RE therapy and low

contact with nada. You just never mention going into therapy, and you simply

cut back on frequency of contact with nada and stop sharing personal information

with her. The details of your personal life are not her business, and your

nada uses information about you to hurt you, so, no more sharing.

-Annie

> In combination with the way she acted on thanksgiving, and this e-mail, I have

officially decided to go LC with her. She is no longer even discussing the

fight on thanksgiving and how I supposedly " ruined " thanksgiving. Everything is

now my fathers fault.

>

> I have also made a decision and I am starting counseling tomorrow, on my own.

>

> Thoughts on this?

>

> -Jade

>

November 30, 2010

Good for you!!! Counseling is truly one of the best things any of us can do.

Remember: if the counselor is not a good fit for some reason, don't give up.

Just request a change. It's not a personal thing. Please let us know how

things go.

As for the other part of your story, I have no words. Really? and Seriously?

are about the best I can come up with. What a terrible way to twist the

situation and then blame your father???!!!

Fight the good fight (in counseling I mean) and don't give up!

+Coal Miner's Daughter

>

> Ahh yes, its not over yet.

>

> At thanksgiving, before the turkey was done (about 4 p.m.) and between 7 pm,

my father made me three cocktails. I drank 2 and 1/2 of them, and threw the

rest of the third one out. During this time, we had appetizers. Then, at