friendship troubles

[Guest guest]

Do any of you have issues involving friends of your same gender?

Because my mother never had childhood friends and because of her BPD, she was

always very hostile regarding my friends. I had one best friend as a child. I

loooooved this friend. Mom was never mean to her in person, but said awful

things about her behind her back, such as: " Your friend isn't really your

friend, you're a fool for liking her so much, you don't know it but RIGHT THIS

MINUTE she's calling other girls and telling them your secrets. She think you're

stupid and dirty and weird. That little bitch!!!! "

She had no evidence for any of this. She drew it all only from my occasional

remarks, such as " Jodi made fun of my shoes today " -- and blew it waaaaay out of

proportion, making Jodi into the super villain of all time. And I half-believed

it because I was the emotional robot/slave. I loved my friend (still do) but

thought terrible things about her and feared her and wanted to punish her.

OK, long story short -- I try to be a good friend to people now, but looking

back, I can see that I was never " there for " people, and never actually knew how

to be a good friend. I wasn't a backstabbing monster, but just sort of

wishy-washy, elusive, and shallow, especially with fellow females. I've not been

totally friendless, but I have let many crucial female friends drift away. Now I

feel guilty and regretful -- for their sakes but also for mine.

This is the result of bad modeling. The adults in my life had no friends, and

had never HAD friends, so I never saw friendship in real life. This seems so

strange but it's true. Those friendship things that other kids saw their parents

do -- chatting on the phone, having coffee or fishing together, having parties.

Not my folks, not ever.

And I think BPD makes mothers envious of their children's friends, because these

friends threaten to divide the children's loyalties.

Yesterday I talked to my old college roommate for the first time in many years.

We won't be pals again as too much water has run under the bridge. But I feel

sooooo sad and regretful right now about what I haven't done for others and what

I've missed.

Does this sort of thing ring a bell for anyone else?