Guest guest Posted September 6, 2011 Report Share Posted September 6, 2011 With the fattening of America, it's just a matter of time before those boutique shops will have to cater to the big girls or go broke. \ Sunny Few more thoughts.... I think my lowest point this past weekend was when my friend insisted on stopping by a boutique she'd spotted. Of course I didn't have to go in with her but I didn't really think through what would result... As you might guess there were no clothing items in the store I could even come close to fitting into - and, adding insult to injury, a very skinny woman shot me a look when I stepped through the doorway. (Anyone here ever been told by a store clerk "we don't have anything in here to fit you honey"?) My friend tried on several things while I wandered around pretending to look at purses and scarves while actually struggling with the voices of my internalized fat hating squad screaming at me about how dumpy I looked compared to the skinny women in that store. I did manage to insert a few thoughts about size not being the value of the person, but it was a painful reminder of why I've worked so hard to diet myself into acceptance. My entire day wasn't ruined - but I certainly did hit an old, familiar and painful wall in that speciality store. By the way, my speciality stores look very different and don't have politely snotty men with standard poodles running them... not that I feel resentful or anything... Loving my body as it is and giving up my idealized images of how a person (including me) should look is huge. It's huge because my sense of self value has centered around what I weigh and how I look or don't look as long as I can remember. Now, ever so dimly, I'm realizing that having been so obsessed with body size and with diet/binge thoughts for many years, I've never spent the time and energy developing my interests. My innate gifts languish on the sidelines of my life, my goals have been long superceded with self-consciousness and self-hate and my dreams are long fogotten. Sometimes now when I go to bed at night and all defenses are down, I feel a huge wave of deep sadness that almost overwhelms me. My life has been centered around the failure to be a certain size for so long that I don't really know who I am beyond that unachieved goal. So... in sum... there's the dirty look from the skinny woman, the need for every American woman to wear single-digit sized clothing and the reality of a life that's waiting for me to start inhabiting it for real this time. That's it - I'm just going to sit with that for a while. Thanks for listening. Sandarah IE since 8/11 ------------------------------------ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 6, 2011 Report Share Posted September 6, 2011 With the fattening of America, it's just a matter of time before those boutique shops will have to cater to the big girls or go broke. \ Sunny Few more thoughts.... I think my lowest point this past weekend was when my friend insisted on stopping by a boutique she'd spotted. Of course I didn't have to go in with her but I didn't really think through what would result... As you might guess there were no clothing items in the store I could even come close to fitting into - and, adding insult to injury, a very skinny woman shot me a look when I stepped through the doorway. (Anyone here ever been told by a store clerk "we don't have anything in here to fit you honey"?) My friend tried on several things while I wandered around pretending to look at purses and scarves while actually struggling with the voices of my internalized fat hating squad screaming at me about how dumpy I looked compared to the skinny women in that store. I did manage to insert a few thoughts about size not being the value of the person, but it was a painful reminder of why I've worked so hard to diet myself into acceptance. My entire day wasn't ruined - but I certainly did hit an old, familiar and painful wall in that speciality store. By the way, my speciality stores look very different and don't have politely snotty men with standard poodles running them... not that I feel resentful or anything... Loving my body as it is and giving up my idealized images of how a person (including me) should look is huge. It's huge because my sense of self value has centered around what I weigh and how I look or don't look as long as I can remember. Now, ever so dimly, I'm realizing that having been so obsessed with body size and with diet/binge thoughts for many years, I've never spent the time and energy developing my interests. My innate gifts languish on the sidelines of my life, my goals have been long superceded with self-consciousness and self-hate and my dreams are long fogotten. Sometimes now when I go to bed at night and all defenses are down, I feel a huge wave of deep sadness that almost overwhelms me. My life has been centered around the failure to be a certain size for so long that I don't really know who I am beyond that unachieved goal. So... in sum... there's the dirty look from the skinny woman, the need for every American woman to wear single-digit sized clothing and the reality of a life that's waiting for me to start inhabiting it for real this time. That's it - I'm just going to sit with that for a while. Thanks for listening. Sandarah IE since 8/11 ------------------------------------ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 6, 2011 Report Share Posted September 6, 2011 Sandarah,What a wise and brave post.I'm SO sorry that you had to go through that painful experience. but it sounds like you got some powerful realizations out of the experience, as terribly unpleasant as it was. be sure to lavish some extra love and attention on your bruised soul for a few days, okay?thank you for sharing this.best,abby IE since 11/08 With the fattening of America, it's just a matter of time before those boutique shops will have to cater to the big girls or go broke. \ Sunny Few more thoughts.... I think my lowest point this past weekend was when my friend insisted on stopping by a boutique she'd spotted. Of course I didn't have to go in with her but I didn't really think through what would result... As you might guess there were no clothing items in the store I could even come close to fitting into - and, adding insult to injury, a very skinny woman shot me a look when I stepped through the doorway. (Anyone here ever been told by a store clerk " we don't have anything in here to fit you honey " ?) My friend tried on several things while I wandered around pretending to look at purses and scarves while actually struggling with the voices of my internalized fat hating squad screaming at me about how dumpy I looked compared to the skinny women in that store. I did manage to insert a few thoughts about size not being the value of the person, but it was a painful reminder of why I've worked so hard to diet myself into acceptance. My entire day wasn't ruined - but I certainly did hit an old, familiar and painful wall in that speciality store. By the way, my speciality stores look very different and don't have politely snotty men with standard poodles running them... not that I feel resentful or anything... Loving my body as it is and giving up my idealized images of how a person (including me) should look is huge. It's huge because my sense of self value has centered around what I weigh and how I look or don't look as long as I can remember. Now, ever so dimly, I'm realizing that having been so obsessed with body size and with diet/binge thoughts for many years, I've never spent the time and energy developing my interests. My innate gifts languish on the sidelines of my life, my goals have been long superceded with self-consciousness and self-hate and my dreams are long fogotten. Sometimes now when I go to bed at night and all defenses are down, I feel a huge wave of deep sadness that almost overwhelms me. My life has been centered around the failure to be a certain size for so long that I don't really know who I am beyond that unachieved goal. So... in sum... there's the dirty look from the skinny woman, the need for every American woman to wear single-digit sized clothing and the reality of a life that's waiting for me to start inhabiting it for real this time. That's it - I'm just going to sit with that for a while. Thanks for listening. Sandarah IE since 8/11 ------------------------------------ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 6, 2011 Report Share Posted September 6, 2011 Sandarah,What a wise and brave post.I'm SO sorry that you had to go through that painful experience. but it sounds like you got some powerful realizations out of the experience, as terribly unpleasant as it was. be sure to lavish some extra love and attention on your bruised soul for a few days, okay?thank you for sharing this.best,abby IE since 11/08 With the fattening of America, it's just a matter of time before those boutique shops will have to cater to the big girls or go broke. \ Sunny Few more thoughts.... I think my lowest point this past weekend was when my friend insisted on stopping by a boutique she'd spotted. Of course I didn't have to go in with her but I didn't really think through what would result... As you might guess there were no clothing items in the store I could even come close to fitting into - and, adding insult to injury, a very skinny woman shot me a look when I stepped through the doorway. (Anyone here ever been told by a store clerk " we don't have anything in here to fit you honey " ?) My friend tried on several things while I wandered around pretending to look at purses and scarves while actually struggling with the voices of my internalized fat hating squad screaming at me about how dumpy I looked compared to the skinny women in that store. I did manage to insert a few thoughts about size not being the value of the person, but it was a painful reminder of why I've worked so hard to diet myself into acceptance. My entire day wasn't ruined - but I certainly did hit an old, familiar and painful wall in that speciality store. By the way, my speciality stores look very different and don't have politely snotty men with standard poodles running them... not that I feel resentful or anything... Loving my body as it is and giving up my idealized images of how a person (including me) should look is huge. It's huge because my sense of self value has centered around what I weigh and how I look or don't look as long as I can remember. Now, ever so dimly, I'm realizing that having been so obsessed with body size and with diet/binge thoughts for many years, I've never spent the time and energy developing my interests. My innate gifts languish on the sidelines of my life, my goals have been long superceded with self-consciousness and self-hate and my dreams are long fogotten. Sometimes now when I go to bed at night and all defenses are down, I feel a huge wave of deep sadness that almost overwhelms me. My life has been centered around the failure to be a certain size for so long that I don't really know who I am beyond that unachieved goal. So... in sum... there's the dirty look from the skinny woman, the need for every American woman to wear single-digit sized clothing and the reality of a life that's waiting for me to start inhabiting it for real this time. That's it - I'm just going to sit with that for a while. Thanks for listening. Sandarah IE since 8/11 ------------------------------------ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 6, 2011 Report Share Posted September 6, 2011 Sandarah (by the way, what a lovely name you have) Healing can only happen when the abscess ruptures open. It is wonderful that you allow yourself to mourn and be sad. It happens because you are busy healing. How wonderful is it not that you can allow yourself to develop your interests and passions nontheless. Like a second chance, perhaps. Imagine you were still dieting. You would have been too busy to try to fit into boutique clothes as well (which you will probably fit into one of these days anyway), and your whole life would have passed you. May you become passionate about life itself once again! Thank you for sharing this. Helen To: IntuitiveEating_Support Sent: Tuesday, September 6, 2011 6:55 PMSubject: Few more thoughts.... I think my lowest point this past weekend was when my friend insisted on stopping by a boutique she'd spotted. Of course I didn't have to go in with her but I didn't really think through what would result... As you might guess there were no clothing items in the store I could even come close to fitting into - and, adding insult to injury, a very skinny woman shot me a look when I stepped through the doorway. (Anyone here ever been told by a store clerk "we don't have anything in here to fit you honey"?) My friend tried on several things while I wandered around pretending to look at purses and scarves while actually struggling with the voices of my internalized fat hating squad screaming at me about how dumpy I looked compared to the skinny women in that store. I did manage to insert a few thoughts about size not being the value of the person, but it was a painful reminder of why I've worked so hard to diet myself into acceptance. My entire day wasn't ruined - but I certainly did hit an old, familiar and painful wall in that speciality store. By the way, my speciality stores look very different and don't have politely snotty men with standard poodles running them... not that I feel resentful or anything...Loving my body as it is and giving up my idealized images of how a person (including me) should look is huge. It's huge because my sense of self value has centered around what I weigh and how I look or don't look as long as I can remember. Now, ever so dimly, I'm realizing that having been so obsessed with body size and with diet/binge thoughts for many years, I've never spent the time and energy developing my interests. My innate gifts languish on the sidelines of my life, my goals have been long superceded with self-consciousness and self-hate and my dreams are long fogotten. Sometimes now when I go to bed at night and all defenses are down, I feel a huge wave of deep sadness that almost overwhelms me. My life has been centered around the failure to be a certain size for so long that I don't really know who I am beyond that unachieved goal. So... in sum... there's the dirty look from the skinny woman, the need for every American woman to wear single-digit sized clothing and the reality of a life that's waiting for me to start inhabiting it for real this time.That's it - I'm just going to sit with that for a while. Thanks for listening.Sandarah IE since 8/11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 6, 2011 Report Share Posted September 6, 2011 Sandarah (by the way, what a lovely name you have) Healing can only happen when the abscess ruptures open. It is wonderful that you allow yourself to mourn and be sad. It happens because you are busy healing. How wonderful is it not that you can allow yourself to develop your interests and passions nontheless. Like a second chance, perhaps. Imagine you were still dieting. You would have been too busy to try to fit into boutique clothes as well (which you will probably fit into one of these days anyway), and your whole life would have passed you. May you become passionate about life itself once again! Thank you for sharing this. Helen To: IntuitiveEating_Support Sent: Tuesday, September 6, 2011 6:55 PMSubject: Few more thoughts.... I think my lowest point this past weekend was when my friend insisted on stopping by a boutique she'd spotted. Of course I didn't have to go in with her but I didn't really think through what would result... As you might guess there were no clothing items in the store I could even come close to fitting into - and, adding insult to injury, a very skinny woman shot me a look when I stepped through the doorway. (Anyone here ever been told by a store clerk "we don't have anything in here to fit you honey"?) My friend tried on several things while I wandered around pretending to look at purses and scarves while actually struggling with the voices of my internalized fat hating squad screaming at me about how dumpy I looked compared to the skinny women in that store. I did manage to insert a few thoughts about size not being the value of the person, but it was a painful reminder of why I've worked so hard to diet myself into acceptance. My entire day wasn't ruined - but I certainly did hit an old, familiar and painful wall in that speciality store. By the way, my speciality stores look very different and don't have politely snotty men with standard poodles running them... not that I feel resentful or anything...Loving my body as it is and giving up my idealized images of how a person (including me) should look is huge. It's huge because my sense of self value has centered around what I weigh and how I look or don't look as long as I can remember. Now, ever so dimly, I'm realizing that having been so obsessed with body size and with diet/binge thoughts for many years, I've never spent the time and energy developing my interests. My innate gifts languish on the sidelines of my life, my goals have been long superceded with self-consciousness and self-hate and my dreams are long fogotten. Sometimes now when I go to bed at night and all defenses are down, I feel a huge wave of deep sadness that almost overwhelms me. My life has been centered around the failure to be a certain size for so long that I don't really know who I am beyond that unachieved goal. So... in sum... there's the dirty look from the skinny woman, the need for every American woman to wear single-digit sized clothing and the reality of a life that's waiting for me to start inhabiting it for real this time.That's it - I'm just going to sit with that for a while. Thanks for listening.Sandarah IE since 8/11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 6, 2011 Report Share Posted September 6, 2011 , I get it, but here is a reframing. Even when I have been quite thin (thin enough that my therapist was worried, so fairly thin!) I had a hard time with "normal" sizes. My bust is quite large compared to the rest of me. So even when my bottoms where "normal" my tops were big. So I wouldn't call it normal or typical. Its arbitrary and stupid! What if a shoe store only went to size 8? I wear a ten so I'd be screwed. Not only do I wear a ten, I'm a 2A. Can't say my feet are fat. But who carries that size? No one! (or very few!)Find a store that works for you. For me it is Talbots. I can get my size from women's, petite's or misses' or even women petite's. And I do. And then I get it tailored! And don't worry about the stupid sizes. I used to cut them out! Reframe. Nothing wrong with you. And now they lost a customer. Patti I think my lowest point this past weekend was when my friend insisted on stopping by a boutique she'd spotted. Of course I didn't have to go in with her but I didn't really think through what would result... As you might guess there were no clothing items in the store I could even come close to fitting into - and, adding insult to injury, a very skinny woman shot me a look when I stepped through the doorway. (Anyone here ever been told by a store clerk "we don't have anything in here to fit you honey"?) My friend tried on several things while I wandered around pretending to look at purses and scarves while actually struggling with the voices of my internalized fat hating squad screaming at me about how dumpy I looked compared to the skinny women in that store. I did manage to insert a few thoughts about size not being the value of the person, but it was a painful reminder of why I've worked so hard to diet myself into acceptance. My entire day wasn't ruined - but I certainly did hit an old, familiar and painful wall in that speciality store. By the way, my speciality stores look very different and don't have politely snotty men with standard poodles running them... not that I feel resentful or anything... Loving my body as it is and giving up my idealized images of how a person (including me) should look is huge. It's huge because my sense of self value has centered around what I weigh and how I look or don't look as long as I can remember. Now, ever so dimly, I'm realizing that having been so obsessed with body size and with diet/binge thoughts for many years, I've never spent the time and energy developing my interests. My innate gifts languish on the sidelines of my life, my goals have been long superceded with self-consciousness and self-hate and my dreams are long fogotten. Sometimes now when I go to bed at night and all defenses are down, I feel a huge wave of deep sadness that almost overwhelms me. My life has been centered around the failure to be a certain size for so long that I don't really know who I am beyond that unachieved goal. So... in sum... there's the dirty look from the skinny woman, the need for every American woman to wear single-digit sized clothing and the reality of a life that's waiting for me to start inhabiting it for real this time. That's it - I'm just going to sit with that for a while. Thanks for listening. Sandarah IE since 8/11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 6, 2011 Report Share Posted September 6, 2011 Sandarah,I can so relate. I just turned 57, have been on this journey for 44 years...I believe part of my resistance to removing the excess weight is...my identity is so tied up with weight issues...once these are resolved...what then...I'm making a concerted effort to really connect with me...to re-discover my interests...my passions. It's a struggle. CaroleTo: IntuitiveEating_Support Sent: Tuesday, September 6, 2011 1:55:06 PMSubject: Few more thoughts....My innate gifts languish on the sidelines of my life, my goals have been long superceded with self-consciousness and self-hate and my dreams are long fogotten. Sometimes now when I go to bed at night and all defenses are down, I feel a huge wave of deep sadness that almost overwhelms me. My life has been centered around the failure to be a certain size for so long that I don't really know who I am beyond that unachieved goal. So... in sum... there's the dirty look from the skinny woman, the need for every American woman to wear single-digit sized clothing and the reality of a life that's waiting for me to start inhabiting it for real this time.That's it - I'm just going to sit with that for a while. Thanks for listening.Sandarah IE since 8/11------------------------------------ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 6, 2011 Report Share Posted September 6, 2011 Sandarah,I can so relate. I just turned 57, have been on this journey for 44 years...I believe part of my resistance to removing the excess weight is...my identity is so tied up with weight issues...once these are resolved...what then...I'm making a concerted effort to really connect with me...to re-discover my interests...my passions. It's a struggle. CaroleTo: IntuitiveEating_Support Sent: Tuesday, September 6, 2011 1:55:06 PMSubject: Few more thoughts....My innate gifts languish on the sidelines of my life, my goals have been long superceded with self-consciousness and self-hate and my dreams are long fogotten. Sometimes now when I go to bed at night and all defenses are down, I feel a huge wave of deep sadness that almost overwhelms me. My life has been centered around the failure to be a certain size for so long that I don't really know who I am beyond that unachieved goal. So... in sum... there's the dirty look from the skinny woman, the need for every American woman to wear single-digit sized clothing and the reality of a life that's waiting for me to start inhabiting it for real this time.That's it - I'm just going to sit with that for a while. Thanks for listening.Sandarah IE since 8/11------------------------------------ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 6, 2011 Report Share Posted September 6, 2011 Yep.... I guess though, that following this process to reconnecting to the body's wisdom will free up those energies to the degree that I/we can move forward on making other changes. That's my hope. Sandarah > > Sandarah, > > I can so relate. I just turned 57, have been on this journey for 44 years...I believe part of my resistance to removing the excess weight is...my identity is so tied up with weight issues...once these are resolved...what then... > > I'm making a concerted effort to really connect with me...to re-discover my interests...my passions. It's a struggle. > > Carole > > > > > >________________________________ > > > >To: IntuitiveEating_Support > >Sent: Tuesday, September 6, 2011 1:55:06 PM > >Subject: Few more thoughts.... > > > >My innate gifts languish on the sidelines of my life, my goals have been long superceded with self-consciousness and self-hate and my dreams are long fogotten. Sometimes now when I go to bed at night and all defenses are down, I feel a huge wave of deep sadness that almost overwhelms me. My life has been centered around the failure to be a certain size for so long that I don't really know who I am beyond that unachieved goal. > > > >So... in sum... there's the dirty look from the skinny woman, the need for every American woman to wear single-digit sized clothing and the reality of a life that's waiting for me to start inhabiting it for real this time. > > > >That's it - I'm just going to sit with that for a while. Thanks for listening. > > > >Sandarah IE since 8/11 > > > > > > > > > > > > > >------------------------------------ > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 6, 2011 Report Share Posted September 6, 2011 Yep.... I guess though, that following this process to reconnecting to the body's wisdom will free up those energies to the degree that I/we can move forward on making other changes. That's my hope. Sandarah > > Sandarah, > > I can so relate. I just turned 57, have been on this journey for 44 years...I believe part of my resistance to removing the excess weight is...my identity is so tied up with weight issues...once these are resolved...what then... > > I'm making a concerted effort to really connect with me...to re-discover my interests...my passions. It's a struggle. > > Carole > > > > > >________________________________ > > > >To: IntuitiveEating_Support > >Sent: Tuesday, September 6, 2011 1:55:06 PM > >Subject: Few more thoughts.... > > > >My innate gifts languish on the sidelines of my life, my goals have been long superceded with self-consciousness and self-hate and my dreams are long fogotten. Sometimes now when I go to bed at night and all defenses are down, I feel a huge wave of deep sadness that almost overwhelms me. My life has been centered around the failure to be a certain size for so long that I don't really know who I am beyond that unachieved goal. > > > >So... in sum... there's the dirty look from the skinny woman, the need for every American woman to wear single-digit sized clothing and the reality of a life that's waiting for me to start inhabiting it for real this time. > > > >That's it - I'm just going to sit with that for a while. Thanks for listening. > > > >Sandarah IE since 8/11 > > > > > > > > > > > > > >------------------------------------ > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 7, 2011 Report Share Posted September 7, 2011 Bravo, Sandarah. I think you did an awesome job of speaking to yourself while in a potentially difficult situation. I think as the newness and initial euphoria of IE wears off, there's a period where some of us need to mourn for the things we are actually giving up by abandoning dieting forever. We are giving up the "hope," no matter how false, that we will diet ourselves into a new life and societal acceptance. We are giving up the all-consuming "improvement projects" that were our lives and actually putting ourselves in a position to LIVE life, not plan to live it. Planning to live life can be very seductive. I've spent many, many years just making plans for "when I achieved this or that." See, I would truly be acceptable (both to myself and culturally) when I was at the perfect weight and lived the perfect life. But before then, I hardly knew what I liked or who I was. I never bothered to get to know myself, because I was always planning to change. Accepting myself now AS I AM is so freeing, but also frightening. Treating myself well has been a revelation. Mimi Subject: Few more thoughts....To: IntuitiveEating_Support Date: Tuesday, September 6, 2011, 1:55 PM I think my lowest point this past weekend was when my friend insisted on stopping by a boutique she'd spotted. Of course I didn't have to go in with her but I didn't really think through what would result... As you might guess there were no clothing items in the store I could even come close to fitting into - and, adding insult to injury, a very skinny woman shot me a look when I stepped through the doorway. (Anyone here ever been told by a store clerk "we don't have anything in here to fit you honey"?) My friend tried on several things while I wandered around pretending to look at purses and scarves while actually struggling with the voices of my internalized fat hating squad screaming at me about how dumpy I looked compared to the skinny women in that store. I did manage to insert a few thoughts about size not being the value of the person, but it was a painful reminder of why I've worked so hard to diet myself into acceptance. My entire day wasn't ruined - but I certainly did hit an old, familiar and painful wall in that speciality store. By the way, my speciality stores look very different and don't have politely snotty men with standard poodles running them... not that I feel resentful or anything...Loving my body as it is and giving up my idealized images of how a person (including me) should look is huge. It's huge because my sense of self value has centered around what I weigh and how I look or don't look as long as I can remember. Now, ever so dimly, I'm realizing that having been so obsessed with body size and with diet/binge thoughts for many years, I've never spent the time and energy developing my interests. My innate gifts languish on the sidelines of my life, my goals have been long superceded with self-consciousness and self-hate and my dreams are long fogotten. Sometimes now when I go to bed at night and all defenses are down, I feel a huge wave of deep sadness that almost overwhelms me. My life has been centered around the failure to be a certain size for so long that I don't really know who I am beyond that unachieved goal. So... in sum... there's the dirty look from the skinny woman, the need for every American woman to wear single-digit sized clothing and the reality of a life that's waiting for me to start inhabiting it for real this time.That's it - I'm just going to sit with that for a while. Thanks for listening.Sandarah IE since 8/11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 7, 2011 Report Share Posted September 7, 2011 Bravo, Sandarah. I think you did an awesome job of speaking to yourself while in a potentially difficult situation. I think as the newness and initial euphoria of IE wears off, there's a period where some of us need to mourn for the things we are actually giving up by abandoning dieting forever. We are giving up the "hope," no matter how false, that we will diet ourselves into a new life and societal acceptance. We are giving up the all-consuming "improvement projects" that were our lives and actually putting ourselves in a position to LIVE life, not plan to live it. Planning to live life can be very seductive. I've spent many, many years just making plans for "when I achieved this or that." See, I would truly be acceptable (both to myself and culturally) when I was at the perfect weight and lived the perfect life. But before then, I hardly knew what I liked or who I was. I never bothered to get to know myself, because I was always planning to change. Accepting myself now AS I AM is so freeing, but also frightening. Treating myself well has been a revelation. Mimi Subject: Few more thoughts....To: IntuitiveEating_Support Date: Tuesday, September 6, 2011, 1:55 PM I think my lowest point this past weekend was when my friend insisted on stopping by a boutique she'd spotted. Of course I didn't have to go in with her but I didn't really think through what would result... As you might guess there were no clothing items in the store I could even come close to fitting into - and, adding insult to injury, a very skinny woman shot me a look when I stepped through the doorway. (Anyone here ever been told by a store clerk "we don't have anything in here to fit you honey"?) My friend tried on several things while I wandered around pretending to look at purses and scarves while actually struggling with the voices of my internalized fat hating squad screaming at me about how dumpy I looked compared to the skinny women in that store. I did manage to insert a few thoughts about size not being the value of the person, but it was a painful reminder of why I've worked so hard to diet myself into acceptance. My entire day wasn't ruined - but I certainly did hit an old, familiar and painful wall in that speciality store. By the way, my speciality stores look very different and don't have politely snotty men with standard poodles running them... not that I feel resentful or anything...Loving my body as it is and giving up my idealized images of how a person (including me) should look is huge. It's huge because my sense of self value has centered around what I weigh and how I look or don't look as long as I can remember. Now, ever so dimly, I'm realizing that having been so obsessed with body size and with diet/binge thoughts for many years, I've never spent the time and energy developing my interests. My innate gifts languish on the sidelines of my life, my goals have been long superceded with self-consciousness and self-hate and my dreams are long fogotten. Sometimes now when I go to bed at night and all defenses are down, I feel a huge wave of deep sadness that almost overwhelms me. My life has been centered around the failure to be a certain size for so long that I don't really know who I am beyond that unachieved goal. So... in sum... there's the dirty look from the skinny woman, the need for every American woman to wear single-digit sized clothing and the reality of a life that's waiting for me to start inhabiting it for real this time.That's it - I'm just going to sit with that for a while. Thanks for listening.Sandarah IE since 8/11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 7, 2011 Report Share Posted September 7, 2011 Bravo, Sandarah. I think you did an awesome job of speaking to yourself while in a potentially difficult situation. I think as the newness and initial euphoria of IE wears off, there's a period where some of us need to mourn for the things we are actually giving up by abandoning dieting forever. We are giving up the "hope," no matter how false, that we will diet ourselves into a new life and societal acceptance. We are giving up the all-consuming "improvement projects" that were our lives and actually putting ourselves in a position to LIVE life, not plan to live it. Planning to live life can be very seductive. I've spent many, many years just making plans for "when I achieved this or that." See, I would truly be acceptable (both to myself and culturally) when I was at the perfect weight and lived the perfect life. But before then, I hardly knew what I liked or who I was. I never bothered to get to know myself, because I was always planning to change. Accepting myself now AS I AM is so freeing, but also frightening. Treating myself well has been a revelation. Mimi Subject: Few more thoughts....To: IntuitiveEating_Support Date: Tuesday, September 6, 2011, 1:55 PM I think my lowest point this past weekend was when my friend insisted on stopping by a boutique she'd spotted. Of course I didn't have to go in with her but I didn't really think through what would result... As you might guess there were no clothing items in the store I could even come close to fitting into - and, adding insult to injury, a very skinny woman shot me a look when I stepped through the doorway. (Anyone here ever been told by a store clerk "we don't have anything in here to fit you honey"?) My friend tried on several things while I wandered around pretending to look at purses and scarves while actually struggling with the voices of my internalized fat hating squad screaming at me about how dumpy I looked compared to the skinny women in that store. I did manage to insert a few thoughts about size not being the value of the person, but it was a painful reminder of why I've worked so hard to diet myself into acceptance. My entire day wasn't ruined - but I certainly did hit an old, familiar and painful wall in that speciality store. By the way, my speciality stores look very different and don't have politely snotty men with standard poodles running them... not that I feel resentful or anything...Loving my body as it is and giving up my idealized images of how a person (including me) should look is huge. It's huge because my sense of self value has centered around what I weigh and how I look or don't look as long as I can remember. Now, ever so dimly, I'm realizing that having been so obsessed with body size and with diet/binge thoughts for many years, I've never spent the time and energy developing my interests. My innate gifts languish on the sidelines of my life, my goals have been long superceded with self-consciousness and self-hate and my dreams are long fogotten. Sometimes now when I go to bed at night and all defenses are down, I feel a huge wave of deep sadness that almost overwhelms me. My life has been centered around the failure to be a certain size for so long that I don't really know who I am beyond that unachieved goal. So... in sum... there's the dirty look from the skinny woman, the need for every American woman to wear single-digit sized clothing and the reality of a life that's waiting for me to start inhabiting it for real this time.That's it - I'm just going to sit with that for a while. Thanks for listening.Sandarah IE since 8/11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 7, 2011 Report Share Posted September 7, 2011 Oh, I agree with you, Mimi. Today I was playing outside a little with my daughter (we live in the tropics and it rains here A LOT). Suddenly it just dawned on me how lovely the day is, the sun shining lovely for a change, and here we are, just playing together. I felt so happy just for being. It is good to mourn, and it is even better to start enjoying your real life. Being on a diet all the time, or being obsessed with food and dieting, creates a pseudo life without one realizing it. I started exercising (slowly), without any strings attached, just for the sake of enjoying physical activity. And I enjoy it, because it is not some kind of punishment or must. Just really living. Helen To: IntuitiveEating_Support Sent: Wednesday, September 7, 2011 8:28 PMSubject: Re: Few more thoughts.... Bravo, Sandarah. I think you did an awesome job of speaking to yourself while in a potentially difficult situation. I think as the newness and initial euphoria of IE wears off, there's a period where some of us need to mourn for the things we are actually giving up by abandoning dieting forever. We are giving up the "hope," no matter how false, that we will diet ourselves into a new life and societal acceptance. We are giving up the all-consuming "improvement projects" that were our lives and actually putting ourselves in a position to LIVE life, not plan to live it. Planning to live life can be very seductive. I've spent many, many years just making plans for "when I achieved this or that." See, I would truly be acceptable (both to myself and culturally) when I was at the perfect weight and lived the perfect life. But before then, I hardly knew what I liked or who I was. I never bothered to get to know myself, because I was always planning to change. Accepting myself now AS I AM is so freeing, but also frightening. Treating myself well has been a revelation. Mimi Subject: Few more thoughts....To: IntuitiveEating_Support Date: Tuesday, September 6, 2011, 1:55 PM I think my lowest point this past weekend was when my friend insisted on stopping by a boutique she'd spotted. Of course I didn't have to go in with her but I didn't really think through what would result... As you might guess there were no clothing items in the store I could even come close to fitting into - and, adding insult to injury, a very skinny woman shot me a look when I stepped through the doorway. (Anyone here ever been told by a store clerk "we don't have anything in here to fit you honey"?) My friend tried on several things while I wandered around pretending to look at purses and scarves while actually struggling with the voices of my internalized fat hating squad screaming at me about how dumpy I looked compared to the skinny women in that store. I did manage to insert a few thoughts about size not being the value of the person, but it was a painful reminder of why I've worked so hard to diet myself into acceptance. My entire day wasn't ruined - but I certainly did hit an old, familiar and painful wall in that speciality store. By the way, my speciality stores look very different and don't have politely snotty men with standard poodles running them... not that I feel resentful or anything...Loving my body as it is and giving up my idealized images of how a person (including me) should look is huge. It's huge because my sense of self value has centered around what I weigh and how I look or don't look as long as I can remember. Now, ever so dimly, I'm realizing that having been so obsessed with body size and with diet/binge thoughts for many years, I've never spent the time and energy developing my interests. My innate gifts languish on the sidelines of my life, my goals have been long superceded with self-consciousness and self-hate and my dreams are long fogotten. Sometimes now when I go to bed at night and all defenses are down, I feel a huge wave of deep sadness that almost overwhelms me. My life has been centered around the failure to be a certain size for so long that I don't really know who I am beyond that unachieved goal. So... in sum... there's the dirty look from the skinny woman, the need for every American woman to wear single-digit sized clothing and the reality of a life that's waiting for me to start inhabiting it for real this time.That's it - I'm just going to sit with that for a while. Thanks for listening.Sandarah IE since 8/11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 7, 2011 Report Share Posted September 7, 2011 Oh, I agree with you, Mimi. Today I was playing outside a little with my daughter (we live in the tropics and it rains here A LOT). Suddenly it just dawned on me how lovely the day is, the sun shining lovely for a change, and here we are, just playing together. I felt so happy just for being. It is good to mourn, and it is even better to start enjoying your real life. Being on a diet all the time, or being obsessed with food and dieting, creates a pseudo life without one realizing it. I started exercising (slowly), without any strings attached, just for the sake of enjoying physical activity. And I enjoy it, because it is not some kind of punishment or must. Just really living. Helen To: IntuitiveEating_Support Sent: Wednesday, September 7, 2011 8:28 PMSubject: Re: Few more thoughts.... Bravo, Sandarah. I think you did an awesome job of speaking to yourself while in a potentially difficult situation. I think as the newness and initial euphoria of IE wears off, there's a period where some of us need to mourn for the things we are actually giving up by abandoning dieting forever. We are giving up the "hope," no matter how false, that we will diet ourselves into a new life and societal acceptance. We are giving up the all-consuming "improvement projects" that were our lives and actually putting ourselves in a position to LIVE life, not plan to live it. Planning to live life can be very seductive. I've spent many, many years just making plans for "when I achieved this or that." See, I would truly be acceptable (both to myself and culturally) when I was at the perfect weight and lived the perfect life. But before then, I hardly knew what I liked or who I was. I never bothered to get to know myself, because I was always planning to change. Accepting myself now AS I AM is so freeing, but also frightening. Treating myself well has been a revelation. Mimi Subject: Few more thoughts....To: IntuitiveEating_Support Date: Tuesday, September 6, 2011, 1:55 PM I think my lowest point this past weekend was when my friend insisted on stopping by a boutique she'd spotted. Of course I didn't have to go in with her but I didn't really think through what would result... As you might guess there were no clothing items in the store I could even come close to fitting into - and, adding insult to injury, a very skinny woman shot me a look when I stepped through the doorway. (Anyone here ever been told by a store clerk "we don't have anything in here to fit you honey"?) My friend tried on several things while I wandered around pretending to look at purses and scarves while actually struggling with the voices of my internalized fat hating squad screaming at me about how dumpy I looked compared to the skinny women in that store. I did manage to insert a few thoughts about size not being the value of the person, but it was a painful reminder of why I've worked so hard to diet myself into acceptance. My entire day wasn't ruined - but I certainly did hit an old, familiar and painful wall in that speciality store. By the way, my speciality stores look very different and don't have politely snotty men with standard poodles running them... not that I feel resentful or anything...Loving my body as it is and giving up my idealized images of how a person (including me) should look is huge. It's huge because my sense of self value has centered around what I weigh and how I look or don't look as long as I can remember. Now, ever so dimly, I'm realizing that having been so obsessed with body size and with diet/binge thoughts for many years, I've never spent the time and energy developing my interests. My innate gifts languish on the sidelines of my life, my goals have been long superceded with self-consciousness and self-hate and my dreams are long fogotten. Sometimes now when I go to bed at night and all defenses are down, I feel a huge wave of deep sadness that almost overwhelms me. My life has been centered around the failure to be a certain size for so long that I don't really know who I am beyond that unachieved goal. So... in sum... there's the dirty look from the skinny woman, the need for every American woman to wear single-digit sized clothing and the reality of a life that's waiting for me to start inhabiting it for real this time.That's it - I'm just going to sit with that for a while. Thanks for listening.Sandarah IE since 8/11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 7, 2011 Report Share Posted September 7, 2011 Oh, I agree with you, Mimi. Today I was playing outside a little with my daughter (we live in the tropics and it rains here A LOT). Suddenly it just dawned on me how lovely the day is, the sun shining lovely for a change, and here we are, just playing together. I felt so happy just for being. It is good to mourn, and it is even better to start enjoying your real life. Being on a diet all the time, or being obsessed with food and dieting, creates a pseudo life without one realizing it. I started exercising (slowly), without any strings attached, just for the sake of enjoying physical activity. And I enjoy it, because it is not some kind of punishment or must. Just really living. Helen To: IntuitiveEating_Support Sent: Wednesday, September 7, 2011 8:28 PMSubject: Re: Few more thoughts.... Bravo, Sandarah. I think you did an awesome job of speaking to yourself while in a potentially difficult situation. I think as the newness and initial euphoria of IE wears off, there's a period where some of us need to mourn for the things we are actually giving up by abandoning dieting forever. We are giving up the "hope," no matter how false, that we will diet ourselves into a new life and societal acceptance. We are giving up the all-consuming "improvement projects" that were our lives and actually putting ourselves in a position to LIVE life, not plan to live it. Planning to live life can be very seductive. I've spent many, many years just making plans for "when I achieved this or that." See, I would truly be acceptable (both to myself and culturally) when I was at the perfect weight and lived the perfect life. But before then, I hardly knew what I liked or who I was. I never bothered to get to know myself, because I was always planning to change. Accepting myself now AS I AM is so freeing, but also frightening. Treating myself well has been a revelation. Mimi Subject: Few more thoughts....To: IntuitiveEating_Support Date: Tuesday, September 6, 2011, 1:55 PM I think my lowest point this past weekend was when my friend insisted on stopping by a boutique she'd spotted. Of course I didn't have to go in with her but I didn't really think through what would result... As you might guess there were no clothing items in the store I could even come close to fitting into - and, adding insult to injury, a very skinny woman shot me a look when I stepped through the doorway. (Anyone here ever been told by a store clerk "we don't have anything in here to fit you honey"?) My friend tried on several things while I wandered around pretending to look at purses and scarves while actually struggling with the voices of my internalized fat hating squad screaming at me about how dumpy I looked compared to the skinny women in that store. I did manage to insert a few thoughts about size not being the value of the person, but it was a painful reminder of why I've worked so hard to diet myself into acceptance. My entire day wasn't ruined - but I certainly did hit an old, familiar and painful wall in that speciality store. By the way, my speciality stores look very different and don't have politely snotty men with standard poodles running them... not that I feel resentful or anything...Loving my body as it is and giving up my idealized images of how a person (including me) should look is huge. It's huge because my sense of self value has centered around what I weigh and how I look or don't look as long as I can remember. Now, ever so dimly, I'm realizing that having been so obsessed with body size and with diet/binge thoughts for many years, I've never spent the time and energy developing my interests. My innate gifts languish on the sidelines of my life, my goals have been long superceded with self-consciousness and self-hate and my dreams are long fogotten. Sometimes now when I go to bed at night and all defenses are down, I feel a huge wave of deep sadness that almost overwhelms me. My life has been centered around the failure to be a certain size for so long that I don't really know who I am beyond that unachieved goal. So... in sum... there's the dirty look from the skinny woman, the need for every American woman to wear single-digit sized clothing and the reality of a life that's waiting for me to start inhabiting it for real this time.That's it - I'm just going to sit with that for a while. Thanks for listening.Sandarah IE since 8/11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 7, 2011 Report Share Posted September 7, 2011 Well said, Mimi. Thank you. > > > > Subject: Few more thoughts.... > To: IntuitiveEating_Support > Date: Tuesday, September 6, 2011, 1:55 PM > > > Â > > > > I think my lowest point this past weekend was when my friend insisted on stopping by a boutique she'd spotted. Of course I didn't have to go in with her but I didn't really think through what would result... > > As you might guess there were no clothing items in the store I could even come close to fitting into - and, adding insult to injury, a very skinny woman shot me a look when I stepped through the doorway. (Anyone here ever been told by a store clerk " we don't have anything in here to fit you honey " ?) > > My friend tried on several things while I wandered around pretending to look at purses and scarves while actually struggling with the voices of my internalized fat hating squad screaming at me about how dumpy I looked compared to the skinny women in that store. > > I did manage to insert a few thoughts about size not being the value of the person, but it was a painful reminder of why I've worked so hard to diet myself into acceptance. My entire day wasn't ruined - but I certainly did hit an old, familiar and painful wall in that speciality store. By the way, my speciality stores look very different and don't have politely snotty men with standard poodles running them... not that I feel resentful or anything... > > Loving my body as it is and giving up my idealized images of how a person (including me) should look is huge. It's huge because my sense of self value has centered around what I weigh and how I look or don't look as long as I can remember. > > Now, ever so dimly, I'm realizing that having been so obsessed with body size and with diet/binge thoughts for many years, I've never spent the time and energy developing my interests. > > My innate gifts languish on the sidelines of my life, my goals have been long superceded with self-consciousness and self-hate and my dreams are long fogotten. Sometimes now when I go to bed at night and all defenses are down, I feel a huge wave of deep sadness that almost overwhelms me. My life has been centered around the failure to be a certain size for so long that I don't really know who I am beyond that unachieved goal. > > So... in sum... there's the dirty look from the skinny woman, the need for every American woman to wear single-digit sized clothing and the reality of a life that's waiting for me to start inhabiting it for real this time. > > That's it - I'm just going to sit with that for a while. Thanks for listening. > > Sandarah IE since 8/11 > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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