Re: Acceptance, The Only Power I Have in Dealing with Problem People

[Guest guest]

Thanks Joy and Amy, I appreciate the support. I know that I certainly want those

who are still fighting in the trenches with their nadas or fadas, never to feel

that their fights are in vain. Right now I am just trying to use the least

amount of energy trying to fix (or change) the unfixable.

I tell you it feels good not to be trying to make my relationship with nada any

better than it can be, and to know that it is OK for me to stop fighting!

Acceptance of what is, seems to be my prayer right now. And I am glad to say

that my expectations.... for my nada and for me are the most realistic that they

have ever been.

My nada called again today; it sounded like she wanted to talk about being

snowed in. But I was just turned off when she became an expert on our public

school systems, almost immediately finding fault in it. I told her that I was

really working hard on not judging situations. She intimated one with any sense

is going to act as if our educational system is OK. This was a day when I did

not want to try the approach of agreeing with nada, nor did I want to put out

the effort needed for me not to take her personally! I found myself with no

interest in allowing the conversation to continue, and absolutely no willingness

to " act as if " I had an interest.

I know she has long held to the belief that I was a mediocre student, not worthy

of her respect, and that I wasted money on a second-rate education, instead of

attending school on scholarship. When I try to move away from a conversation

based on complaint, she sees me as not discerning. She remains stuck on these

kinds of topics. I think I have mentioned that this fall, she went meddling

around on sexual issues, advising me not to let my son make the same mistakes.

I think that is why my hackles went up, when she went on to speak to how each

student is responsible for making their education worthwhile. I sensed her

moving in the same old direction, to affix blame on me for whatever shortcomings

happen for my son with his education. I could hear her justifying her

meddlesome and judgmental comments.. as being part of her desire to affix blame

on ME in case my son ALSO allows his education to be second rate. It irritates

me to see her lay down tinder for a future fire. I guess if I had wanted to

stay in conversation with her, I would have paraphrased what she was saying, and

asked her, " Is this what you mean? " Or I could have said, " I am not up for a

discussion like this, unless you are wanting to find common ground for us to

solve the problem. "

Truly resolving problems takes lots of work. Both parties need a peaceful desire

for common ground. I find it so frustrating, that by my trying to avoid a

conversation based on judging, she perceived me as being defensive. She was

finding " fault " with me for making an effort to keep the conversation

blame-free. She wanted me to listen to her story, without using the common

sense God gave me, to recognize when a Trojan Horse was being advanced in my

direction?

I'd wanted earlier this fall to discuss my mom's experience when I was in middle

school. Maybe she was trying, at last, to answer me with her personal

perspective? But still I saw her setting up straw scapegoats, her a way of

showing me that she knows how to use a punching bag. When I shared that I

wanted a more blame-free way of looking at the educational problems, she told

me that she wished I could stop taking her personally. At that point I had

absolutely no desire to continue conversing.... and I was totally unwilling to

find any points of agreement with her.... so I found a lame excuse to hang up

the phone.

I 'm sharing this because I am only human. There are days that my best approach

won't work, because I find my " fight or flight response " is activated. I don't

feel I was " right " in signing off. Nor was I wrong; I am striving to avoid

taking the blame for a " bad " conversation, yet I know that just by deciding to

end the conversation I am already in the " one down " position for next time.

But I forgive myself for my lack of interest and energy.

I am doing my best not to " fault " myself for not being in the mood to reframe

the conversation. I wish I could have been willing to say something neutral

like, " Something has reminded you of this problem. " What if I had said

something that accepts us both, " I can't argue with you about that? " Or, " You

sound like your mind is made up about that. "

I have a Higher Power, and I shall pray for self-acceptance and tolerance. The

ability to take a listening stance would be nice. One day, instead of feeling a

low boil in my tummy, I'd like to take positive action that is intuitively

" self-protecting. " What if I could simply give myself permission to change the

topic to something creative and life-affirming? Any ideas for alternatives to

driving myself nuts are greatly appreciated.

Best,

[Guest guest]

Thank you for this eloquent and meaningful post.

How true it is that the hardest part is simply witnessing and letting go. It is

only human to want to fix broken things (and people) and after a lifetime of

this training in hyperdrive by BPD parents, we are filled with angst at the

sight of broken things (and people). But then comes a time when we realize that

survival depends on letting go (and, for many, letting God).

And that's the crux of the Serenity Prayer, right? For me, its key line is " and

the wisdom to know the difference. "

The BPD brainwash always tells me: Try harder, fix her, help her, save her NOW.

Then I try to remember the prayer: What can I change? What can't I change? How

can I tell the difference?

It's like standing there and watching an accident.