Re: Acceptance, The Only Power I Have in Dealing with Problem People

[Guest guest]

Hi V.S. .

Wow, did I ever NEED to read this today. Problems schmoblems...(at least for

now)....

God (aka my higher power), grant me the serenity...

aahhh.

-Joy

>

>

> I am slowly returning to my recovery path, even as I wonder how I will do it

differently or more completely on this new spiral that challenges me. Thank

God I have freedom to choose. .... I have the gift of being able to rely on a

Higher Power's help with any and every problem that comes along.

>

> There is no way I can eliminate all problems from my life. I have a few

familiar difficulties with which I must live and the only real answer I have to

these difficulties is to act by seeking serenity IN ME to accept the things I

cannot change.

>

> Serenity is always available to me, but it is my job to seek it where it can

be found. My best example right now is my relationship with my nada. My nada is

not doing responsible communication with me, she is sparring with me and

pointing out how I am responsible for our estrangement. She even told me that I

had gone away from the family faith. Mostly I just listened. I've had a person

in one of my 12-step groups advise me that I should disconnect my phone, make it

unlisted. Any of these actions I take against her.... changing my phone number,

not answering the phone... have consequences for me. I just see that those

actions are reactions, and that complicate my life further, and leave me feeling

like I am cutting off my nose to spite my face. Others here may find it

important to take those steps. I chose to answer two phone calls in the past

few weeks, that turned out to be her unlisted number. I could have ignored her

calls, but I made the decision to take the calls. If I simply take the phone

when I have courage (remembering that courage is fear that has said its

prayers)....then I am immediately protected from harm. I pray during my entire

conversation to keep my cool, my sense of humor... and then when the

conversation is over and my mom has hung up the phone, I say a prayer that I

will endure and not carry this harm into my family. I know my family would be

fine with me NOT answering the calls. I am glad that I am able to lightly hold

the reins and, for now, take the simple action of acceptance.

>

> This acceptance may sound like the act of condoning poor behaviour. I humbly

hold onto a simple truth, that I can accept the fact that my mom is not going to

heal our relationship, but that I can take a quiet stand against further damage.

>

> I take the unsolved mysteries that my problem people try to lay at my feet...

to my Higher Power. The solutions and the time table for resolution are up to

Him.

>

> My job is to remain strong in my faith. For me, faith is a quiet place that

allows me to feel a whole range of emotions, and allows me to remain still. I

do my best to take my stand, and trust that a non-condemning silence in the face

of mom's attempts to hurt me... are the way I continue forward on a path of

healing. This past year, has helped me to simply feel....the sorrow that I

cannot include my mother in MY work, for it is she who is making choices to dig

her own hole deeper. I used to use sarcasm in my dealings with her, but sharp

wit is no comfort and it only serves to keep me embattled. Now I surrender

her up to her OWN concept of an HP. My HP is busy holding me close and helping

ME heal. The only battle my mom can do is with herself... and the only healing

she can count on is the healing she initiates, using the understanding of a

loving HP that she has developed.

>

> Biggest sorrow for me, is that I can do nothing but witness, speak in mild

tones and let her go. I can live with that sorrow, knowing that I have other

important work to do, in taking care of my immediate family. Let me today take

time for compassion... for myself... and for my problem people. My road and

their road can be rocky and full of ruts, and cracking whips on these rough

stretches of road will only render me injured and in pain. I need to let my path

separate from theirs and let go of my guilt (misplaced responsibility)....

>

> I also have done some soul-searching and am also willing to tell my mom off if

I feel like that will help me in achieving my goals. But again, I am trying to

put inner peace first...and let restraint guide my words and actions. It is

tough sometimes to know that I am doing the right thing, and I know that others

here will wonder too, if this is right action.

>

> Best,

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi V.S. .

Wow, did I ever NEED to read this today. Problems schmoblems...(at least for

now)....

God (aka my higher power), grant me the serenity...

aahhh.

-Joy

>

>

> I am slowly returning to my recovery path, even as I wonder how I will do it

differently or more completely on this new spiral that challenges me. Thank

God I have freedom to choose. .... I have the gift of being able to rely on a

Higher Power's help with any and every problem that comes along.

>

> There is no way I can eliminate all problems from my life. I have a few

familiar difficulties with which I must live and the only real answer I have to

these difficulties is to act by seeking serenity IN ME to accept the things I

cannot change.

>

> Serenity is always available to me, but it is my job to seek it where it can

be found. My best example right now is my relationship with my nada. My nada is

not doing responsible communication with me, she is sparring with me and

pointing out how I am responsible for our estrangement. She even told me that I

had gone away from the family faith. Mostly I just listened. I've had a person

in one of my 12-step groups advise me that I should disconnect my phone, make it

unlisted. Any of these actions I take against her.... changing my phone number,

not answering the phone... have consequences for me. I just see that those

actions are reactions, and that complicate my life further, and leave me feeling

like I am cutting off my nose to spite my face. Others here may find it

important to take those steps. I chose to answer two phone calls in the past

few weeks, that turned out to be her unlisted number. I could have ignored her

calls, but I made the decision to take the calls. If I simply take the phone

when I have courage (remembering that courage is fear that has said its

prayers)....then I am immediately protected from harm. I pray during my entire

conversation to keep my cool, my sense of humor... and then when the

conversation is over and my mom has hung up the phone, I say a prayer that I

will endure and not carry this harm into my family. I know my family would be

fine with me NOT answering the calls. I am glad that I am able to lightly hold

the reins and, for now, take the simple action of acceptance.

>

> This acceptance may sound like the act of condoning poor behaviour. I humbly

hold onto a simple truth, that I can accept the fact that my mom is not going to

heal our relationship, but that I can take a quiet stand against further damage.

>

> I take the unsolved mysteries that my problem people try to lay at my feet...

to my Higher Power. The solutions and the time table for resolution are up to

Him.

>

> My job is to remain strong in my faith. For me, faith is a quiet place that

allows me to feel a whole range of emotions, and allows me to remain still. I

do my best to take my stand, and trust that a non-condemning silence in the face

of mom's attempts to hurt me... are the way I continue forward on a path of

healing. This past year, has helped me to simply feel....the sorrow that I

cannot include my mother in MY work, for it is she who is making choices to dig

her own hole deeper. I used to use sarcasm in my dealings with her, but sharp

wit is no comfort and it only serves to keep me embattled. Now I surrender

her up to her OWN concept of an HP. My HP is busy holding me close and helping

ME heal. The only battle my mom can do is with herself... and the only healing

she can count on is the healing she initiates, using the understanding of a

loving HP that she has developed.

>

> Biggest sorrow for me, is that I can do nothing but witness, speak in mild

tones and let her go. I can live with that sorrow, knowing that I have other

important work to do, in taking care of my immediate family. Let me today take

time for compassion... for myself... and for my problem people. My road and

their road can be rocky and full of ruts, and cracking whips on these rough

stretches of road will only render me injured and in pain. I need to let my path

separate from theirs and let go of my guilt (misplaced responsibility)....

>

> I also have done some soul-searching and am also willing to tell my mom off if

I feel like that will help me in achieving my goals. But again, I am trying to

put inner peace first...and let restraint guide my words and actions. It is

tough sometimes to know that I am doing the right thing, and I know that others

here will wonder too, if this is right action.

>

> Best,

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

You are right; each of us has to find our own path to peace and healing.

Limited Contact with boundaries and enforcement appears to work better for some,

and No Contact seems to work better for others. There are good and bad aspects

to either choice.

Each situation is so very individual, depending on the resilience, health

reserves, and other issues and concerns of the KO in combination with the

particular type(s), intensity, and frequency of abusive behavior(s) being

inflicted by the pd parent.

There is no right or wrong answer, no one-size-fits-all approach; its truly

about what works for each of us as individual human beings.

I'm glad you've found something that works for you.

-Annie

>

>

> I am slowly returning to my recovery path, even as I wonder how I will do it

differently or more completely on this new spiral that challenges me. Thank

God I have freedom to choose. .... I have the gift of being able to rely on a

Higher Power's help with any and every problem that comes along.

>

> There is no way I can eliminate all problems from my life. I have a few

familiar difficulties with which I must live and the only real answer I have to

these difficulties is to act by seeking serenity IN ME to accept the things I

cannot change.

>

> Serenity is always available to me, but it is my job to seek it where it can

be found. My best example right now is my relationship with my nada. My nada is

not doing responsible communication with me, she is sparring with me and

pointing out how I am responsible for our estrangement. She even told me that I

had gone away from the family faith. Mostly I just listened. I've had a person

in one of my 12-step groups advise me that I should disconnect my phone, make it

unlisted. Any of these actions I take against her.... changing my phone number,

not answering the phone... have consequences for me. I just see that those

actions are reactions, and that complicate my life further, and leave me feeling

like I am cutting off my nose to spite my face. Others here may find it

important to take those steps. I chose to answer two phone calls in the past

few weeks, that turned out to be her unlisted number. I could have ignored her

calls, but I made the decision to take the calls. If I simply take the phone

when I have courage (remembering that courage is fear that has said its

prayers)....then I am immediately protected from harm. I pray during my entire

conversation to keep my cool, my sense of humor... and then when the

conversation is over and my mom has hung up the phone, I say a prayer that I

will endure and not carry this harm into my family. I know my family would be

fine with me NOT answering the calls. I am glad that I am able to lightly hold

the reins and, for now, take the simple action of acceptance.

>

> This acceptance may sound like the act of condoning poor behaviour. I humbly

hold onto a simple truth, that I can accept the fact that my mom is not going to

heal our relationship, but that I can take a quiet stand against further damage.

>

> I take the unsolved mysteries that my problem people try to lay at my feet...

to my Higher Power. The solutions and the time table for resolution are up to

Him.

>

> My job is to remain strong in my faith. For me, faith is a quiet place that

allows me to feel a whole range of emotions, and allows me to remain still. I

do my best to take my stand, and trust that a non-condemning silence in the face

of mom's attempts to hurt me... are the way I continue forward on a path of

healing. This past year, has helped me to simply feel....the sorrow that I

cannot include my mother in MY work, for it is she who is making choices to dig

her own hole deeper. I used to use sarcasm in my dealings with her, but sharp

wit is no comfort and it only serves to keep me embattled. Now I surrender

her up to her OWN concept of an HP. My HP is busy holding me close and helping

ME heal. The only battle my mom can do is with herself... and the only healing

she can count on is the healing she initiates, using the understanding of a

loving HP that she has developed.

>

> Biggest sorrow for me, is that I can do nothing but witness, speak in mild

tones and let her go. I can live with that sorrow, knowing that I have other

important work to do, in taking care of my immediate family. Let me today take

time for compassion... for myself... and for my problem people. My road and

their road can be rocky and full of ruts, and cracking whips on these rough

stretches of road will only render me injured and in pain. I need to let my path

separate from theirs and let go of my guilt (misplaced responsibility)....

>

> I also have done some soul-searching and am also willing to tell my mom off if

I feel like that will help me in achieving my goals. But again, I am trying to

put inner peace first...and let restraint guide my words and actions. It is

tough sometimes to know that I am doing the right thing, and I know that others

here will wonder too, if this is right action.

>

> Best,

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

You are right; each of us has to find our own path to peace and healing.

Limited Contact with boundaries and enforcement appears to work better for some,

and No Contact seems to work better for others. There are good and bad aspects

to either choice.

Each situation is so very individual, depending on the resilience, health

reserves, and other issues and concerns of the KO in combination with the

particular type(s), intensity, and frequency of abusive behavior(s) being

inflicted by the pd parent.

There is no right or wrong answer, no one-size-fits-all approach; its truly

about what works for each of us as individual human beings.

I'm glad you've found something that works for you.

-Annie

>

>

> I am slowly returning to my recovery path, even as I wonder how I will do it

differently or more completely on this new spiral that challenges me. Thank

God I have freedom to choose. .... I have the gift of being able to rely on a

Higher Power's help with any and every problem that comes along.

>

> There is no way I can eliminate all problems from my life. I have a few

familiar difficulties with which I must live and the only real answer I have to

these difficulties is to act by seeking serenity IN ME to accept the things I

cannot change.

>

> Serenity is always available to me, but it is my job to seek it where it can

be found. My best example right now is my relationship with my nada. My nada is

not doing responsible communication with me, she is sparring with me and

pointing out how I am responsible for our estrangement. She even told me that I

had gone away from the family faith. Mostly I just listened. I've had a person

in one of my 12-step groups advise me that I should disconnect my phone, make it

unlisted. Any of these actions I take against her.... changing my phone number,

not answering the phone... have consequences for me. I just see that those

actions are reactions, and that complicate my life further, and leave me feeling

like I am cutting off my nose to spite my face. Others here may find it

important to take those steps. I chose to answer two phone calls in the past

few weeks, that turned out to be her unlisted number. I could have ignored her

calls, but I made the decision to take the calls. If I simply take the phone

when I have courage (remembering that courage is fear that has said its

prayers)....then I am immediately protected from harm. I pray during my entire

conversation to keep my cool, my sense of humor... and then when the

conversation is over and my mom has hung up the phone, I say a prayer that I

will endure and not carry this harm into my family. I know my family would be

fine with me NOT answering the calls. I am glad that I am able to lightly hold

the reins and, for now, take the simple action of acceptance.

>

> This acceptance may sound like the act of condoning poor behaviour. I humbly

hold onto a simple truth, that I can accept the fact that my mom is not going to

heal our relationship, but that I can take a quiet stand against further damage.

>

> I take the unsolved mysteries that my problem people try to lay at my feet...

to my Higher Power. The solutions and the time table for resolution are up to

Him.

>

> My job is to remain strong in my faith. For me, faith is a quiet place that

allows me to feel a whole range of emotions, and allows me to remain still. I

do my best to take my stand, and trust that a non-condemning silence in the face

of mom's attempts to hurt me... are the way I continue forward on a path of

healing. This past year, has helped me to simply feel....the sorrow that I

cannot include my mother in MY work, for it is she who is making choices to dig

her own hole deeper. I used to use sarcasm in my dealings with her, but sharp

wit is no comfort and it only serves to keep me embattled. Now I surrender

her up to her OWN concept of an HP. My HP is busy holding me close and helping

ME heal. The only battle my mom can do is with herself... and the only healing

she can count on is the healing she initiates, using the understanding of a

loving HP that she has developed.

>

> Biggest sorrow for me, is that I can do nothing but witness, speak in mild

tones and let her go. I can live with that sorrow, knowing that I have other

important work to do, in taking care of my immediate family. Let me today take

time for compassion... for myself... and for my problem people. My road and

their road can be rocky and full of ruts, and cracking whips on these rough

stretches of road will only render me injured and in pain. I need to let my path

separate from theirs and let go of my guilt (misplaced responsibility)....

>

> I also have done some soul-searching and am also willing to tell my mom off if

I feel like that will help me in achieving my goals. But again, I am trying to

put inner peace first...and let restraint guide my words and actions. It is

tough sometimes to know that I am doing the right thing, and I know that others

here will wonder too, if this is right action.

>

> Best,

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

You are right; each of us has to find our own path to peace and healing.

Limited Contact with boundaries and enforcement appears to work better for some,

and No Contact seems to work better for others. There are good and bad aspects

to either choice.

Each situation is so very individual, depending on the resilience, health

reserves, and other issues and concerns of the KO in combination with the

particular type(s), intensity, and frequency of abusive behavior(s) being

inflicted by the pd parent.

There is no right or wrong answer, no one-size-fits-all approach; its truly

about what works for each of us as individual human beings.

I'm glad you've found something that works for you.

-Annie

>

>

> I am slowly returning to my recovery path, even as I wonder how I will do it

differently or more completely on this new spiral that challenges me. Thank

God I have freedom to choose. .... I have the gift of being able to rely on a

Higher Power's help with any and every problem that comes along.

>

> There is no way I can eliminate all problems from my life. I have a few

familiar difficulties with which I must live and the only real answer I have to

these difficulties is to act by seeking serenity IN ME to accept the things I

cannot change.

>

> Serenity is always available to me, but it is my job to seek it where it can

be found. My best example right now is my relationship with my nada. My nada is

not doing responsible communication with me, she is sparring with me and

pointing out how I am responsible for our estrangement. She even told me that I

had gone away from the family faith. Mostly I just listened. I've had a person

in one of my 12-step groups advise me that I should disconnect my phone, make it

unlisted. Any of these actions I take against her.... changing my phone number,

not answering the phone... have consequences for me. I just see that those

actions are reactions, and that complicate my life further, and leave me feeling

like I am cutting off my nose to spite my face. Others here may find it

important to take those steps. I chose to answer two phone calls in the past

few weeks, that turned out to be her unlisted number. I could have ignored her

calls, but I made the decision to take the calls. If I simply take the phone

when I have courage (remembering that courage is fear that has said its

prayers)....then I am immediately protected from harm. I pray during my entire

conversation to keep my cool, my sense of humor... and then when the

conversation is over and my mom has hung up the phone, I say a prayer that I

will endure and not carry this harm into my family. I know my family would be

fine with me NOT answering the calls. I am glad that I am able to lightly hold

the reins and, for now, take the simple action of acceptance.

>

> This acceptance may sound like the act of condoning poor behaviour. I humbly

hold onto a simple truth, that I can accept the fact that my mom is not going to

heal our relationship, but that I can take a quiet stand against further damage.

>

> I take the unsolved mysteries that my problem people try to lay at my feet...

to my Higher Power. The solutions and the time table for resolution are up to

Him.

>

> My job is to remain strong in my faith. For me, faith is a quiet place that

allows me to feel a whole range of emotions, and allows me to remain still. I

do my best to take my stand, and trust that a non-condemning silence in the face

of mom's attempts to hurt me... are the way I continue forward on a path of

healing. This past year, has helped me to simply feel....the sorrow that I

cannot include my mother in MY work, for it is she who is making choices to dig

her own hole deeper. I used to use sarcasm in my dealings with her, but sharp

wit is no comfort and it only serves to keep me embattled. Now I surrender

her up to her OWN concept of an HP. My HP is busy holding me close and helping

ME heal. The only battle my mom can do is with herself... and the only healing

she can count on is the healing she initiates, using the understanding of a

loving HP that she has developed.

>

> Biggest sorrow for me, is that I can do nothing but witness, speak in mild

tones and let her go. I can live with that sorrow, knowing that I have other

important work to do, in taking care of my immediate family. Let me today take

time for compassion... for myself... and for my problem people. My road and

their road can be rocky and full of ruts, and cracking whips on these rough

stretches of road will only render me injured and in pain. I need to let my path

separate from theirs and let go of my guilt (misplaced responsibility)....

>

> I also have done some soul-searching and am also willing to tell my mom off if

I feel like that will help me in achieving my goals. But again, I am trying to

put inner peace first...and let restraint guide my words and actions. It is

tough sometimes to know that I am doing the right thing, and I know that others

here will wonder too, if this is right action.

>

> Best,

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

victoria, that was beautiful.

please see my website ThePASS.me ...I know you'll relate to my unique approach

to healing.

please leave a comment or suggestion if you'd like.

hugs,

amy

Re: Acceptance, The Only Power I Have in Dealing

with Problem People

Hi V.S. .

Wow, did I ever NEED to read this today. Problems schmoblems...(at least for

now)....

God (aka my higher power), grant me the serenity...

aahhh.

-Joy

>

>

> I am slowly returning to my recovery path, even as I wonder how I will do it

differently or more completely on this new spiral that challenges me. Thank

God I have freedom to choose. .... I have the gift of being able to rely on a

Higher Power's help with any and every problem that comes along.

>

> There is no way I can eliminate all problems from my life. I have a few

familiar difficulties with which I must live and the only real answer I have to

these difficulties is to act by seeking serenity IN ME to accept the things I

cannot change.

>

> Serenity is always available to me, but it is my job to seek it where it can

be found. My best example right now is my relationship with my nada. My nada is

not doing responsible communication with me, she is sparring with me and

pointing out how I am responsible for our estrangement. She even told me that I

had gone away from the family faith. Mostly I just listened. I've had a person

in one of my 12-step groups advise me that I should disconnect my phone, make it

unlisted. Any of these actions I take against her.... changing my phone number,

not answering the phone... have consequences for me. I just see that those

actions are reactions, and that complicate my life further, and leave me feeling

like I am cutting off my nose to spite my face. Others here may find it

important to take those steps. I chose to answer two phone calls in the past

few weeks, that turned out to be her unlisted number. I could have ignored her

calls, but I made the decision to take the ca lls. If I simply take the phone

when I have courage (remembering that courage is fear that has said its

prayers)....then I am immediately protected from harm. I pray during my entire

conversation to keep my cool, my sense of humor... and then when the

conversation is over and my mom has hung up the phone, I say a prayer that I

will endure and not carry this harm into my family. I know my family would be

fine with me NOT answering the calls. I am glad that I am able to lightly hold

the reins and, for now, take the simple action of acceptance.

>

> This acceptance may sound like the act of condoning poor behaviour. I humbly

hold onto a simple truth, that I can accept the fact that my mom is not going to

heal our relationship, but that I can take a quiet stand against further damage.

>

> I take the unsolved mysteries that my problem people try to lay at my feet...

to my Higher Power. The solutions and the time table for resolution are up to

Him.

>

> My job is to remain strong in my faith. For me, faith is a quiet place that

allows me to feel a whole range of emotions, and allows me to remain still. I

do my best to take my stand, and trust that a non-condemning silence in the face

of mom's attempts to hurt me... are the way I continue forward on a path of

healing. This past year, has helped me to simply feel....the sorrow that I

cannot include my mother in MY work, for it is she who is making choices to dig

her own hole deeper. I used to use sarcasm in my dealings with her, but sharp

wit is no comfort and it only serves to keep me embattled. Now I surrender

her up to her OWN concept of an HP. My HP is busy holding me close and helping

ME heal. The only battle my mom can do is with herself... and the only healing

she can count on is the healing she initiates, using the understanding of a

loving HP that she has developed.

>

> Biggest sorrow for me, is that I can do nothing but witness, speak in mild

tones and let her go. I can live with that sorrow, knowing that I have other

important work to do, in taking care of my immediate family. Let me today take

time for compassion... for myself... and for my problem people. My road and

their road can be rocky and full of ruts, and cracking whips on these rough

stretches of road will only render me injured and in pain. I need to let my path

separate from theirs and let go of my guilt (misplaced responsibility)....

>

> I also have done some soul-searching and am also willing to tell my mom off if

I feel like that will help me in achieving my goals. But again, I am trying to

put inner peace first...and let restraint guide my words and actions. It is

tough sometimes to know that I am doing the right thing, and I know that others

here will wonder too, if this is right action.

>

> Best,

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

victoria, that was beautiful.

please see my website ThePASS.me ...I know you'll relate to my unique approach

to healing.

please leave a comment or suggestion if you'd like.

hugs,

amy

Re: Acceptance, The Only Power I Have in Dealing

with Problem People

Hi V.S. .

Wow, did I ever NEED to read this today. Problems schmoblems...(at least for

now)....

God (aka my higher power), grant me the serenity...

aahhh.

-Joy

>

>

> I am slowly returning to my recovery path, even as I wonder how I will do it

differently or more completely on this new spiral that challenges me. Thank

God I have freedom to choose. .... I have the gift of being able to rely on a

Higher Power's help with any and every problem that comes along.

>

> There is no way I can eliminate all problems from my life. I have a few

familiar difficulties with which I must live and the only real answer I have to

these difficulties is to act by seeking serenity IN ME to accept the things I

cannot change.

>

> Serenity is always available to me, but it is my job to seek it where it can

be found. My best example right now is my relationship with my nada. My nada is

not doing responsible communication with me, she is sparring with me and

pointing out how I am responsible for our estrangement. She even told me that I

had gone away from the family faith. Mostly I just listened. I've had a person

in one of my 12-step groups advise me that I should disconnect my phone, make it

unlisted. Any of these actions I take against her.... changing my phone number,

not answering the phone... have consequences for me. I just see that those

actions are reactions, and that complicate my life further, and leave me feeling

like I am cutting off my nose to spite my face. Others here may find it

important to take those steps. I chose to answer two phone calls in the past

few weeks, that turned out to be her unlisted number. I could have ignored her

calls, but I made the decision to take the ca lls. If I simply take the phone

when I have courage (remembering that courage is fear that has said its

prayers)....then I am immediately protected from harm. I pray during my entire

conversation to keep my cool, my sense of humor... and then when the

conversation is over and my mom has hung up the phone, I say a prayer that I

will endure and not carry this harm into my family. I know my family would be

fine with me NOT answering the calls. I am glad that I am able to lightly hold

the reins and, for now, take the simple action of acceptance.

>

> This acceptance may sound like the act of condoning poor behaviour. I humbly

hold onto a simple truth, that I can accept the fact that my mom is not going to

heal our relationship, but that I can take a quiet stand against further damage.

>

> I take the unsolved mysteries that my problem people try to lay at my feet...

to my Higher Power. The solutions and the time table for resolution are up to

Him.

>

> My job is to remain strong in my faith. For me, faith is a quiet place that

allows me to feel a whole range of emotions, and allows me to remain still. I

do my best to take my stand, and trust that a non-condemning silence in the face

of mom's attempts to hurt me... are the way I continue forward on a path of

healing. This past year, has helped me to simply feel....the sorrow that I

cannot include my mother in MY work, for it is she who is making choices to dig

her own hole deeper. I used to use sarcasm in my dealings with her, but sharp

wit is no comfort and it only serves to keep me embattled. Now I surrender

her up to her OWN concept of an HP. My HP is busy holding me close and helping

ME heal. The only battle my mom can do is with herself... and the only healing

she can count on is the healing she initiates, using the understanding of a

loving HP that she has developed.

>

> Biggest sorrow for me, is that I can do nothing but witness, speak in mild

tones and let her go. I can live with that sorrow, knowing that I have other

important work to do, in taking care of my immediate family. Let me today take

time for compassion... for myself... and for my problem people. My road and

their road can be rocky and full of ruts, and cracking whips on these rough

stretches of road will only render me injured and in pain. I need to let my path

separate from theirs and let go of my guilt (misplaced responsibility)....

>

> I also have done some soul-searching and am also willing to tell my mom off if

I feel like that will help me in achieving my goals. But again, I am trying to

put inner peace first...and let restraint guide my words and actions. It is

tough sometimes to know that I am doing the right thing, and I know that others

here will wonder too, if this is right action.

>

> Best,

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

victoria, that was beautiful.

please see my website ThePASS.me ...I know you'll relate to my unique approach

to healing.

please leave a comment or suggestion if you'd like.

hugs,

amy

Re: Acceptance, The Only Power I Have in Dealing

with Problem People

Hi V.S. .

Wow, did I ever NEED to read this today. Problems schmoblems...(at least for

now)....

God (aka my higher power), grant me the serenity...

aahhh.

-Joy

>

>

> I am slowly returning to my recovery path, even as I wonder how I will do it

differently or more completely on this new spiral that challenges me. Thank

God I have freedom to choose. .... I have the gift of being able to rely on a

Higher Power's help with any and every problem that comes along.

>

> There is no way I can eliminate all problems from my life. I have a few

familiar difficulties with which I must live and the only real answer I have to

these difficulties is to act by seeking serenity IN ME to accept the things I

cannot change.

>

> Serenity is always available to me, but it is my job to seek it where it can

be found. My best example right now is my relationship with my nada. My nada is

not doing responsible communication with me, she is sparring with me and

pointing out how I am responsible for our estrangement. She even told me that I

had gone away from the family faith. Mostly I just listened. I've had a person

in one of my 12-step groups advise me that I should disconnect my phone, make it

unlisted. Any of these actions I take against her.... changing my phone number,

not answering the phone... have consequences for me. I just see that those

actions are reactions, and that complicate my life further, and leave me feeling

like I am cutting off my nose to spite my face. Others here may find it

important to take those steps. I chose to answer two phone calls in the past

few weeks, that turned out to be her unlisted number. I could have ignored her

calls, but I made the decision to take the ca lls. If I simply take the phone

when I have courage (remembering that courage is fear that has said its

prayers)....then I am immediately protected from harm. I pray during my entire

conversation to keep my cool, my sense of humor... and then when the

conversation is over and my mom has hung up the phone, I say a prayer that I

will endure and not carry this harm into my family. I know my family would be

fine with me NOT answering the calls. I am glad that I am able to lightly hold

the reins and, for now, take the simple action of acceptance.

>

> This acceptance may sound like the act of condoning poor behaviour. I humbly

hold onto a simple truth, that I can accept the fact that my mom is not going to

heal our relationship, but that I can take a quiet stand against further damage.

>

> I take the unsolved mysteries that my problem people try to lay at my feet...

to my Higher Power. The solutions and the time table for resolution are up to

Him.

>

> My job is to remain strong in my faith. For me, faith is a quiet place that

allows me to feel a whole range of emotions, and allows me to remain still. I

do my best to take my stand, and trust that a non-condemning silence in the face

of mom's attempts to hurt me... are the way I continue forward on a path of

healing. This past year, has helped me to simply feel....the sorrow that I

cannot include my mother in MY work, for it is she who is making choices to dig

her own hole deeper. I used to use sarcasm in my dealings with her, but sharp

wit is no comfort and it only serves to keep me embattled. Now I surrender

her up to her OWN concept of an HP. My HP is busy holding me close and helping

ME heal. The only battle my mom can do is with herself... and the only healing

she can count on is the healing she initiates, using the understanding of a

loving HP that she has developed.

>

> Biggest sorrow for me, is that I can do nothing but witness, speak in mild

tones and let her go. I can live with that sorrow, knowing that I have other

important work to do, in taking care of my immediate family. Let me today take

time for compassion... for myself... and for my problem people. My road and

their road can be rocky and full of ruts, and cracking whips on these rough

stretches of road will only render me injured and in pain. I need to let my path

separate from theirs and let go of my guilt (misplaced responsibility)....

>

> I also have done some soul-searching and am also willing to tell my mom off if

I feel like that will help me in achieving my goals. But again, I am trying to

put inner peace first...and let restraint guide my words and actions. It is

tough sometimes to know that I am doing the right thing, and I know that others

here will wonder too, if this is right action.

>

> Best,

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Joy and Amy, I appreciate the support. I know that I certainly want those

who are still fighting in the trenches with their nadas or fadas, never to feel

that their fights are in vain. Right now I am just trying to use the least

amount of energy trying to fix (or change) the unfixable.

I tell you it feels good not to be trying to make my relationship with nada any

better than it can be, and to know that it is OK for me to stop fighting!

Acceptance of what is, seems to be my prayer right now. And I am glad to say

that my expectations.... for my nada and for me are the most realistic that they

have ever been.

My nada called again today; it sounded like she wanted to talk about being

snowed in. But I was just turned off when she became an expert on our public

school systems, almost immediately finding fault in it. I told her that I was

really working hard on not judging situations. She intimated one with any sense

is going to act as if our educational system is OK. This was a day when I did

not want to try the approach of agreeing with nada, nor did I want to put out

the effort needed for me not to take her personally! I found myself with no

interest in allowing the conversation to continue, and absolutely no willingness

to " act as if " I had an interest.

I know she has long held to the belief that I was a mediocre student, not worthy

of her respect, and that I wasted money on a second-rate education, instead of

attending school on scholarship. When I try to move away from a conversation

based on complaint, she sees me as not discerning. She remains stuck on these

kinds of topics. I think I have mentioned that this fall, she went meddling

around on sexual issues, advising me not to let my son make the same mistakes.

I think that is why my hackles went up, when she went on to speak to how each

student is responsible for making their education worthwhile. I sensed her

moving in the same old direction, to affix blame on me for whatever shortcomings

happen for my son with his education. I could hear her justifying her

meddlesome and judgmental comments.. as being part of her desire to affix blame

on ME in case my son ALSO allows his education to be second rate. It irritates

me to see her lay down tinder for a future fire. I guess if I had wanted to

stay in conversation with her, I would have paraphrased what she was saying, and

asked her, " Is this what you mean? " Or I could have said, " I am not up for a

discussion like this, unless you are wanting to find common ground for us to

solve the problem. "

Truly resolving problems takes lots of work. Both parties need a peaceful desire

for common ground. I find it so frustrating, that by my trying to avoid a

conversation based on judging, she perceived me as being defensive. She was

finding " fault " with me for making an effort to keep the conversation

blame-free. She wanted me to listen to her story, without using the common

sense God gave me, to recognize when a Trojan Horse was being advanced in my

direction?

I'd wanted earlier this fall to discuss my mom's experience when I was in middle

school. Maybe she was trying, at last, to answer me with her personal

perspective? But still I saw her setting up straw scapegoats, her a way of

showing me that she knows how to use a punching bag. When I shared that I

wanted a more blame-free way of looking at the educational problems, she told

me that she wished I could stop taking her personally. At that point I had

absolutely no desire to continue conversing.... and I was totally unwilling to

find any points of agreement with her.... so I found a lame excuse to hang up

the phone.

I 'm sharing this because I am only human. There are days that my best approach

won't work, because I find my " fight or flight response " is activated. I don't

feel I was " right " in signing off. Nor was I wrong; I am striving to avoid

taking the blame for a " bad " conversation, yet I know that just by deciding to

end the conversation I am already in the " one down " position for next time.

But I forgive myself for my lack of interest and energy.

I am doing my best not to " fault " myself for not being in the mood to reframe

the conversation. I wish I could have been willing to say something neutral

like, " Something has reminded you of this problem. " What if I had said

something that accepts us both, " I can't argue with you about that? " Or, " You

sound like your mind is made up about that. "

I have a Higher Power, and I shall pray for self-acceptance and tolerance. The

ability to take a listening stance would be nice. One day, instead of feeling a

low boil in my tummy, I'd like to take positive action that is intuitively

" self-protecting. " What if I could simply give myself permission to change the

topic to something creative and life-affirming? Any ideas for alternatives to

driving myself nuts are greatly appreciated.

Best,

[Guest guest]

I also wonder - are we expecting a little too much from ourselves? Perhaps we

can get through some relationships that we decide are necessary or we choose to

entertain. Yet, Doug and Annie have asked me before if I would accept certain

behaviors from anyone, or just from nada because she's mom. Some people here

have made the point that we might use similar " rules of engagement " for family

as we would use for an irritating neighbor or negative co-worker.

In other words, do we HAVE to have a long conversation or frequent interactions

with someone who is difficult, unkind, unpleasant, or just negative? Maybe we

could put this in the category of people who aren't a great fit for us

relationally, assuming they might get along well with other types of people, but

not ourselves.

Perhaps we should consider using the same decision-making model as we would for

someone in the supermarket or at school. Would you listen indefinitely to

recordings of an insane person rambling? I don't know - just something I'm

considering in my own case. I think I make too many excuses for entertaining

family because they are family.

+Coal Miner's Daughter

> >

> >

> > I am slowly returning to my recovery path, even as I wonder how I will do it

differently or more completely on this new spiral that challenges me. Thank

God I have freedom to choose. .... I have the gift of being able to rely on a

Higher Power's help with any and every problem that comes along.

> >

> > There is no way I can eliminate all problems from my life. I have a few

familiar difficulties with which I must live and the only real answer I have to

these difficulties is to act by seeking serenity IN ME to accept the things I

cannot change.

> >

> > Serenity is always available to me, but it is my job to seek it where it can

be found. My best example right now is my relationship with my nada. My nada is

not doing responsible communication with me, she is sparring with me and

pointing out how I am responsible for our estrangement. She even told me that I

had gone away from the family faith. Mostly I just listened. I've had a person

in one of my 12-step groups advise me that I should disconnect my phone, make it

unlisted. Any of these actions I take against her.... changing my phone number,

not answering the phone... have consequences for me. I just see that those

actions are reactions, and that complicate my life further, and leave me feeling

like I am cutting off my nose to spite my face. Others here may find it

important to take those steps. I chose to answer two phone calls in the past

few weeks, that turned out to be her unlisted number. I could have ignored her

calls, but I made the decision to take the calls. If I simply take the phone

when I have courage (remembering that courage is fear that has said its

prayers)....then I am immediately protected from harm. I pray during my entire

conversation to keep my cool, my sense of humor... and then when the

conversation is over and my mom has hung up the phone, I say a prayer that I

will endure and not carry this harm into my family. I know my family would be

fine with me NOT answering the calls. I am glad that I am able to lightly hold

the reins and, for now, take the simple action of acceptance.

> >

> > This acceptance may sound like the act of condoning poor behaviour. I

humbly hold onto a simple truth, that I can accept the fact that my mom is not

going to heal our relationship, but that I can take a quiet stand against

further damage.

> >

> > I take the unsolved mysteries that my problem people try to lay at my

feet... to my Higher Power. The solutions and the time table for resolution are

up to Him.

> >

> > My job is to remain strong in my faith. For me, faith is a quiet place that

allows me to feel a whole range of emotions, and allows me to remain still. I

do my best to take my stand, and trust that a non-condemning silence in the face

of mom's attempts to hurt me... are the way I continue forward on a path of

healing. This past year, has helped me to simply feel....the sorrow that I

cannot include my mother in MY work, for it is she who is making choices to dig

her own hole deeper. I used to use sarcasm in my dealings with her, but sharp

wit is no comfort and it only serves to keep me embattled. Now I surrender

her up to her OWN concept of an HP. My HP is busy holding me close and helping

ME heal. The only battle my mom can do is with herself... and the only healing

she can count on is the healing she initiates, using the understanding of a

loving HP that she has developed.

> >

> > Biggest sorrow for me, is that I can do nothing but witness, speak in mild

tones and let her go. I can live with that sorrow, knowing that I have other

important work to do, in taking care of my immediate family. Let me today take

time for compassion... for myself... and for my problem people. My road and

their road can be rocky and full of ruts, and cracking whips on these rough

stretches of road will only render me injured and in pain. I need to let my path

separate from theirs and let go of my guilt (misplaced responsibility)....

> >

> > I also have done some soul-searching and am also willing to tell my mom off

if I feel like that will help me in achieving my goals. But again, I am trying

to put inner peace first...and let restraint guide my words and actions. It is

tough sometimes to know that I am doing the right thing, and I know that others

here will wonder too, if this is right action.

> >

> > Best,

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I also wonder - are we expecting a little too much from ourselves? Perhaps we

can get through some relationships that we decide are necessary or we choose to

entertain. Yet, Doug and Annie have asked me before if I would accept certain

behaviors from anyone, or just from nada because she's mom. Some people here

have made the point that we might use similar " rules of engagement " for family

as we would use for an irritating neighbor or negative co-worker.

In other words, do we HAVE to have a long conversation or frequent interactions

with someone who is difficult, unkind, unpleasant, or just negative? Maybe we

could put this in the category of people who aren't a great fit for us

relationally, assuming they might get along well with other types of people, but

not ourselves.

Perhaps we should consider using the same decision-making model as we would for

someone in the supermarket or at school. Would you listen indefinitely to

recordings of an insane person rambling? I don't know - just something I'm

considering in my own case. I think I make too many excuses for entertaining

family because they are family.

+Coal Miner's Daughter

> >

> >

> > I am slowly returning to my recovery path, even as I wonder how I will do it

differently or more completely on this new spiral that challenges me. Thank

God I have freedom to choose. .... I have the gift of being able to rely on a

Higher Power's help with any and every problem that comes along.

> >

> > There is no way I can eliminate all problems from my life. I have a few

familiar difficulties with which I must live and the only real answer I have to

these difficulties is to act by seeking serenity IN ME to accept the things I

cannot change.

> >

> > Serenity is always available to me, but it is my job to seek it where it can

be found. My best example right now is my relationship with my nada. My nada is

not doing responsible communication with me, she is sparring with me and

pointing out how I am responsible for our estrangement. She even told me that I

had gone away from the family faith. Mostly I just listened. I've had a person

in one of my 12-step groups advise me that I should disconnect my phone, make it

unlisted. Any of these actions I take against her.... changing my phone number,

not answering the phone... have consequences for me. I just see that those

actions are reactions, and that complicate my life further, and leave me feeling

like I am cutting off my nose to spite my face. Others here may find it

important to take those steps. I chose to answer two phone calls in the past

few weeks, that turned out to be her unlisted number. I could have ignored her

calls, but I made the decision to take the calls. If I simply take the phone

when I have courage (remembering that courage is fear that has said its

prayers)....then I am immediately protected from harm. I pray during my entire

conversation to keep my cool, my sense of humor... and then when the

conversation is over and my mom has hung up the phone, I say a prayer that I

will endure and not carry this harm into my family. I know my family would be

fine with me NOT answering the calls. I am glad that I am able to lightly hold

the reins and, for now, take the simple action of acceptance.

> >

> > This acceptance may sound like the act of condoning poor behaviour. I

humbly hold onto a simple truth, that I can accept the fact that my mom is not

going to heal our relationship, but that I can take a quiet stand against

further damage.

> >

> > I take the unsolved mysteries that my problem people try to lay at my

feet... to my Higher Power. The solutions and the time table for resolution are

up to Him.

> >

> > My job is to remain strong in my faith. For me, faith is a quiet place that

allows me to feel a whole range of emotions, and allows me to remain still. I

do my best to take my stand, and trust that a non-condemning silence in the face

of mom's attempts to hurt me... are the way I continue forward on a path of

healing. This past year, has helped me to simply feel....the sorrow that I

cannot include my mother in MY work, for it is she who is making choices to dig

her own hole deeper. I used to use sarcasm in my dealings with her, but sharp

wit is no comfort and it only serves to keep me embattled. Now I surrender

her up to her OWN concept of an HP. My HP is busy holding me close and helping

ME heal. The only battle my mom can do is with herself... and the only healing

she can count on is the healing she initiates, using the understanding of a

loving HP that she has developed.

> >

> > Biggest sorrow for me, is that I can do nothing but witness, speak in mild

tones and let her go. I can live with that sorrow, knowing that I have other

important work to do, in taking care of my immediate family. Let me today take

time for compassion... for myself... and for my problem people. My road and

their road can be rocky and full of ruts, and cracking whips on these rough

stretches of road will only render me injured and in pain. I need to let my path

separate from theirs and let go of my guilt (misplaced responsibility)....

> >

> > I also have done some soul-searching and am also willing to tell my mom off

if I feel like that will help me in achieving my goals. But again, I am trying

to put inner peace first...and let restraint guide my words and actions. It is

tough sometimes to know that I am doing the right thing, and I know that others

here will wonder too, if this is right action.

> >

> > Best,

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I also wonder - are we expecting a little too much from ourselves? Perhaps we

can get through some relationships that we decide are necessary or we choose to

entertain. Yet, Doug and Annie have asked me before if I would accept certain

behaviors from anyone, or just from nada because she's mom. Some people here

have made the point that we might use similar " rules of engagement " for family

as we would use for an irritating neighbor or negative co-worker.

In other words, do we HAVE to have a long conversation or frequent interactions

with someone who is difficult, unkind, unpleasant, or just negative? Maybe we

could put this in the category of people who aren't a great fit for us

relationally, assuming they might get along well with other types of people, but

not ourselves.

Perhaps we should consider using the same decision-making model as we would for

someone in the supermarket or at school. Would you listen indefinitely to

recordings of an insane person rambling? I don't know - just something I'm

considering in my own case. I think I make too many excuses for entertaining

family because they are family.

+Coal Miner's Daughter

> >

> >

> > I am slowly returning to my recovery path, even as I wonder how I will do it

differently or more completely on this new spiral that challenges me. Thank

God I have freedom to choose. .... I have the gift of being able to rely on a

Higher Power's help with any and every problem that comes along.

> >

> > There is no way I can eliminate all problems from my life. I have a few

familiar difficulties with which I must live and the only real answer I have to

these difficulties is to act by seeking serenity IN ME to accept the things I

cannot change.

> >

> > Serenity is always available to me, but it is my job to seek it where it can

be found. My best example right now is my relationship with my nada. My nada is

not doing responsible communication with me, she is sparring with me and

pointing out how I am responsible for our estrangement. She even told me that I

had gone away from the family faith. Mostly I just listened. I've had a person

in one of my 12-step groups advise me that I should disconnect my phone, make it

unlisted. Any of these actions I take against her.... changing my phone number,

not answering the phone... have consequences for me. I just see that those

actions are reactions, and that complicate my life further, and leave me feeling

like I am cutting off my nose to spite my face. Others here may find it

important to take those steps. I chose to answer two phone calls in the past

few weeks, that turned out to be her unlisted number. I could have ignored her

calls, but I made the decision to take the calls. If I simply take the phone

when I have courage (remembering that courage is fear that has said its

prayers)....then I am immediately protected from harm. I pray during my entire

conversation to keep my cool, my sense of humor... and then when the

conversation is over and my mom has hung up the phone, I say a prayer that I

will endure and not carry this harm into my family. I know my family would be

fine with me NOT answering the calls. I am glad that I am able to lightly hold

the reins and, for now, take the simple action of acceptance.

> >

> > This acceptance may sound like the act of condoning poor behaviour. I

humbly hold onto a simple truth, that I can accept the fact that my mom is not

going to heal our relationship, but that I can take a quiet stand against

further damage.

> >

> > I take the unsolved mysteries that my problem people try to lay at my

feet... to my Higher Power. The solutions and the time table for resolution are

up to Him.

> >

> > My job is to remain strong in my faith. For me, faith is a quiet place that

allows me to feel a whole range of emotions, and allows me to remain still. I

do my best to take my stand, and trust that a non-condemning silence in the face

of mom's attempts to hurt me... are the way I continue forward on a path of

healing. This past year, has helped me to simply feel....the sorrow that I

cannot include my mother in MY work, for it is she who is making choices to dig

her own hole deeper. I used to use sarcasm in my dealings with her, but sharp

wit is no comfort and it only serves to keep me embattled. Now I surrender

her up to her OWN concept of an HP. My HP is busy holding me close and helping

ME heal. The only battle my mom can do is with herself... and the only healing

she can count on is the healing she initiates, using the understanding of a

loving HP that she has developed.

> >

> > Biggest sorrow for me, is that I can do nothing but witness, speak in mild

tones and let her go. I can live with that sorrow, knowing that I have other

important work to do, in taking care of my immediate family. Let me today take

time for compassion... for myself... and for my problem people. My road and

their road can be rocky and full of ruts, and cracking whips on these rough

stretches of road will only render me injured and in pain. I need to let my path

separate from theirs and let go of my guilt (misplaced responsibility)....

> >

> > I also have done some soul-searching and am also willing to tell my mom off

if I feel like that will help me in achieving my goals. But again, I am trying

to put inner peace first...and let restraint guide my words and actions. It is

tough sometimes to know that I am doing the right thing, and I know that others

here will wonder too, if this is right action.

> >

> > Best,

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Thank you for this eloquent and meaningful post.

How true it is that the hardest part is simply witnessing and letting go. It is

only human to want to fix broken things (and people) and after a lifetime of

this training in hyperdrive by BPD parents, we are filled with angst at the

sight of broken things (and people). But then comes a time when we realize that

survival depends on letting go (and, for many, letting God).

And that's the crux of the Serenity Prayer, right? For me, its key line is " and

the wisdom to know the difference. "

The BPD brainwash always tells me: Try harder, fix her, help her, save her NOW.

Then I try to remember the prayer: What can I change? What can't I change? How

can I tell the difference?

It's like standing there and watching an accident.

[Guest guest]

Thank you for this eloquent and meaningful post.

How true it is that the hardest part is simply witnessing and letting go. It is

only human to want to fix broken things (and people) and after a lifetime of

this training in hyperdrive by BPD parents, we are filled with angst at the

sight of broken things (and people). But then comes a time when we realize that

survival depends on letting go (and, for many, letting God).

And that's the crux of the Serenity Prayer, right? For me, its key line is " and

the wisdom to know the difference. "

The BPD brainwash always tells me: Try harder, fix her, help her, save her NOW.

Then I try to remember the prayer: What can I change? What can't I change? How

can I tell the difference?

It's like standing there and watching an accident.