Re: Long time, no posting - reintroducing

[Guest guest]

Hi Mia,

Welcome back.

I can relate to how frustrated you must feel, having come to terms with going No

Contact with your nada, and now finding that you have a new bpd person in your

life which in its own way is an " unchosen " relationship.

The more educated your fiance can become about personality disorder, the better

for him and his children. Your presence in these kids' lives will be a

blessing; they will be able to experience what an emotionally stable, rational

mom-figure is like when they're with you and their dad. Your fiance will be in

the worst possible position imaginable: truly ghastly. I feel compassion for

him; he will be in the middle, trying to handle co-parenting with an emotionally

unstable, probably openly hostile, probably vindictive and manipulative ex,

while trying to keep his kids as stress-free and unaffected by the whole mess as

possible, while also trying to make you as happy as possible too. While keeping

up his job performance at work. Poor man. You will be his rock, I'm sure, and

his haven of peace. I think family therapy is a great idea for all of you as

you navigate your way through the choppy waters of divorce and forming a new

family unit.

I could be wrong but I don't think there's a Welcome To Oz Group specifically

for your situation but there is at " bpdfamily.com " I think its the section

called " Raising kids when one of the parents has bpd " , and its for step-parents

as well.

-Annie

>

> Hi all,

>

> I've been on this list for a long time but I admit that I have not been

> reading much for a while due to craziness in my life. So for that, I

> apologize and hope it will be ok to post again.

>

> I haven't had contact with my BPD mother in almost 2 years now since I moved

> out of state. I had thought about cutting off contact with her for years

> before doing so. When I was getting ready to move, she neglected to return

> phone calls, emails, etc so I left and haven't had a thing to do with her

> since. It's been good for me. Really good for me.

>

> Now I'm dealing with another potential BPD in my life. My fiance's ex wife.

> She is very VERY very difficult to deal with. I asked my fiance for months

> to get into therapy to help him learn how to deal with her and he has

> finally done that. He decided to see the same therapist that I see and she

> is familiar with some of the bologna that his ex pulls because of what I've

> told her.

>

> Oddly enough, about 5 or 6 months ago before he started going, I told him I

> thought his ex had BPD. I wasn't sure, however, if we were dealing with BPD

> or alcoholism... I forgot that often the 2 go together.

>

> My therapist never told me that she thought his ex might have BPD. But

> after he started going she told him that. When he relayed that info to me,

> I just about fell out of my chair. I told her that when I saw her next and

> said, " I think I have BPD radar " . She laughed & said, " You probably do " .

>

> Oy. I got away from one very unhealthy & abusive woman, now I have to help

> him deal with another.

>

> I'm super stressed. Life is falling apart. I was back in school in an

> accelerated nursing program, now I'm out for a bit due to medical issues.

> I'm having major surgery on the 11th. And with his ex behaving the way she

> is, I'm about ready to loose it.

>

> I love his kids. He has talked to a lawyer but there are issues that

> require a special type of lawyer, and for confidentiality sake I will not

> mention here. I feel he should be talking to that special lawyer but it's

> absolutely his call.

>

> I'm trying not to project onto the kids my own feelings from my own

> experiences with a BDP mother. The good thing is his daughter will talk to

> me about what frustrates her (she's 11). All i try to do is listen & see

> how she feels. After some of the stuff she brought up, fiance decided to

> get her into therapy too, and she's told us she really loves going. Phew.

> His son is 4... he's a very angry little man. Fiance wants him evaluated

> as well because of his anger issues... it's pretty bad.

>

> I know there is a list for people divorcing someone with BPD, but I'm not

> sure if I would belong there? I'm not the one divorcing, but I am someone

> supporting a man who divorced someone who probably has BPD. My fiance also

> expressed an interest in joining that particular list.

>

> Really not quite sure where I (we?) fit in right now. Since cutting off

> contact with my mom I've been doing a lot better. I still have issues with

> depression & PTSD but things are beginning to get better.

>

> I felt like I was walking out of Oz when I cut off my mother... I think I

> was just walking into unexplored teritory. I'm still in Oz.

>

> Mia

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Anie, thank you for the warm welcome back.

You just described what's going on to a T. It is very difficult. She is

manipulative, pushes all his buttons, does become verbally hostile/abusive

with him. She's also an alcoholic, big reason for their divorce. Her mom

is the primary care giver to the kids, and my step daughter (11) is the

parentified child. I told him I thought she was, and then her therapist

told him that. Yikes.

He is VERY stressed, which is why I asked him to start going to therapy in

the first place. Also to help him learn how to communicate with his ex.

It's so hard, god do I know... but he has to stay calm, cllected & not rise

with her anger when it's rising.

He sees the same therapist I do. She told him to read SWOE and I cracked up

because I have the book. He knows he is welcome to read it any time. She

also pointed us to the oz groups & I told her I was all ready in this one

(granted not really active, again, my apologies).

Right now it's also rough on him because I'm so darn stressed. I am having

major surgery next month and all of my life is on hold (school, financial,

etc). So he's feeling my stress. And I understand that because I feel his

too.

We have a couple's session next week. Usually we go seperately as does step

daughter. I like that she has someone non-biased who is neither mom nor dad

to talk to about anything she wants.

It's definetly baby steps. We document all the craziness like her calling

yesterday asking him to buy food for them because she doesn't get food

stamps till the 3rd. She was fired over a year ago, won't get a job because

she " doesn't want to work while in school " . Sad thing is she hardly even

goes to class. And scary part... psych major. OY VEY! I feel for any

clients she councils in the future.

It's a big mess. We try to offer the kids stability when they are here. We

interact with them, play games, teach his 4 year old things like numbers,

colors etc because their mom wont. They also get LOVING discipline here.

As an adult survivor of child abuse, I absolutely know the difference

between abuse & discipline, and discipline is part of raising a healthy

child. So yep, we try to do it right when they are here, and even when they

are not. And the kids know they are welcome any time.

Anyway, I'll stop rambling now. I'm glad I popped back in. I've been

reading a lot and I have a new perspective now than when I first joined the

list about a year & a half ago. Now, I'm not just a survivor... I'm a

thriver. Or at least working towards being one.

Thanks again.

Mia

On Wed, Dec 29, 2010 at 7:08 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> Hi Mia,

>

> Welcome back.

>

> I can relate to how frustrated you must feel, having come to terms with

> going No Contact with your nada, and now finding that you have a new bpd

> person in your life which in its own way is an " unchosen " relationship.

>

> The more educated your fiance can become about personality disorder, the

> better for him and his children. Your presence in these kids' lives will be

> a blessing; they will be able to experience what an emotionally stable,

> rational mom-figure is like when they're with you and their dad. Your fiance

> will be in the worst possible position imaginable: truly ghastly. I feel

> compassion for him; he will be in the middle, trying to handle co-parenting

> with an emotionally unstable, probably openly hostile, probably vindictive

> and manipulative ex, while trying to keep his kids as stress-free and

> unaffected by the whole mess as possible, while also trying to make you as

> happy as possible too. While keeping up his job performance at work. Poor

> man. You will be his rock, I'm sure, and his haven of peace. I think family

> therapy is a great idea for all of you as you navigate your way through the

> choppy waters of divorce and forming a new family unit.

>

> I could be wrong but I don't think there's a Welcome To Oz Group

> specifically for your situation but there is at " bpdfamily.com " I think

> its the section called " Raising kids when one of the parents has bpd " , and

> its for step-parents as well.

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Anie, thank you for the warm welcome back.

You just described what's going on to a T. It is very difficult. She is

manipulative, pushes all his buttons, does become verbally hostile/abusive

with him. She's also an alcoholic, big reason for their divorce. Her mom

is the primary care giver to the kids, and my step daughter (11) is the

parentified child. I told him I thought she was, and then her therapist

told him that. Yikes.

He is VERY stressed, which is why I asked him to start going to therapy in

the first place. Also to help him learn how to communicate with his ex.

It's so hard, god do I know... but he has to stay calm, cllected & not rise

with her anger when it's rising.

He sees the same therapist I do. She told him to read SWOE and I cracked up

because I have the book. He knows he is welcome to read it any time. She

also pointed us to the oz groups & I told her I was all ready in this one

(granted not really active, again, my apologies).

Right now it's also rough on him because I'm so darn stressed. I am having

major surgery next month and all of my life is on hold (school, financial,

etc). So he's feeling my stress. And I understand that because I feel his

too.

We have a couple's session next week. Usually we go seperately as does step

daughter. I like that she has someone non-biased who is neither mom nor dad

to talk to about anything she wants.

It's definetly baby steps. We document all the craziness like her calling

yesterday asking him to buy food for them because she doesn't get food

stamps till the 3rd. She was fired over a year ago, won't get a job because

she " doesn't want to work while in school " . Sad thing is she hardly even

goes to class. And scary part... psych major. OY VEY! I feel for any

clients she councils in the future.

It's a big mess. We try to offer the kids stability when they are here. We

interact with them, play games, teach his 4 year old things like numbers,

colors etc because their mom wont. They also get LOVING discipline here.

As an adult survivor of child abuse, I absolutely know the difference

between abuse & discipline, and discipline is part of raising a healthy

child. So yep, we try to do it right when they are here, and even when they

are not. And the kids know they are welcome any time.

Anyway, I'll stop rambling now. I'm glad I popped back in. I've been

reading a lot and I have a new perspective now than when I first joined the

list about a year & a half ago. Now, I'm not just a survivor... I'm a

thriver. Or at least working towards being one.

Thanks again.

Mia

On Wed, Dec 29, 2010 at 7:08 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> Hi Mia,

>

> Welcome back.

>

> I can relate to how frustrated you must feel, having come to terms with

> going No Contact with your nada, and now finding that you have a new bpd

> person in your life which in its own way is an " unchosen " relationship.

>

> The more educated your fiance can become about personality disorder, the

> better for him and his children. Your presence in these kids' lives will be

> a blessing; they will be able to experience what an emotionally stable,

> rational mom-figure is like when they're with you and their dad. Your fiance

> will be in the worst possible position imaginable: truly ghastly. I feel

> compassion for him; he will be in the middle, trying to handle co-parenting

> with an emotionally unstable, probably openly hostile, probably vindictive

> and manipulative ex, while trying to keep his kids as stress-free and

> unaffected by the whole mess as possible, while also trying to make you as

> happy as possible too. While keeping up his job performance at work. Poor

> man. You will be his rock, I'm sure, and his haven of peace. I think family

> therapy is a great idea for all of you as you navigate your way through the

> choppy waters of divorce and forming a new family unit.

>

> I could be wrong but I don't think there's a Welcome To Oz Group

> specifically for your situation but there is at " bpdfamily.com " I think

> its the section called " Raising kids when one of the parents has bpd " , and

> its for step-parents as well.

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Anie, thank you for the warm welcome back.

You just described what's going on to a T. It is very difficult. She is

manipulative, pushes all his buttons, does become verbally hostile/abusive

with him. She's also an alcoholic, big reason for their divorce. Her mom

is the primary care giver to the kids, and my step daughter (11) is the

parentified child. I told him I thought she was, and then her therapist

told him that. Yikes.

He is VERY stressed, which is why I asked him to start going to therapy in

the first place. Also to help him learn how to communicate with his ex.

It's so hard, god do I know... but he has to stay calm, cllected & not rise

with her anger when it's rising.

He sees the same therapist I do. She told him to read SWOE and I cracked up

because I have the book. He knows he is welcome to read it any time. She

also pointed us to the oz groups & I told her I was all ready in this one

(granted not really active, again, my apologies).

Right now it's also rough on him because I'm so darn stressed. I am having

major surgery next month and all of my life is on hold (school, financial,

etc). So he's feeling my stress. And I understand that because I feel his

too.

We have a couple's session next week. Usually we go seperately as does step

daughter. I like that she has someone non-biased who is neither mom nor dad

to talk to about anything she wants.

It's definetly baby steps. We document all the craziness like her calling

yesterday asking him to buy food for them because she doesn't get food

stamps till the 3rd. She was fired over a year ago, won't get a job because

she " doesn't want to work while in school " . Sad thing is she hardly even

goes to class. And scary part... psych major. OY VEY! I feel for any

clients she councils in the future.

It's a big mess. We try to offer the kids stability when they are here. We

interact with them, play games, teach his 4 year old things like numbers,

colors etc because their mom wont. They also get LOVING discipline here.

As an adult survivor of child abuse, I absolutely know the difference

between abuse & discipline, and discipline is part of raising a healthy

child. So yep, we try to do it right when they are here, and even when they

are not. And the kids know they are welcome any time.

Anyway, I'll stop rambling now. I'm glad I popped back in. I've been

reading a lot and I have a new perspective now than when I first joined the

list about a year & a half ago. Now, I'm not just a survivor... I'm a

thriver. Or at least working towards being one.

Thanks again.

Mia

On Wed, Dec 29, 2010 at 7:08 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> Hi Mia,

>

> Welcome back.

>

> I can relate to how frustrated you must feel, having come to terms with

> going No Contact with your nada, and now finding that you have a new bpd

> person in your life which in its own way is an " unchosen " relationship.

>

> The more educated your fiance can become about personality disorder, the

> better for him and his children. Your presence in these kids' lives will be

> a blessing; they will be able to experience what an emotionally stable,

> rational mom-figure is like when they're with you and their dad. Your fiance

> will be in the worst possible position imaginable: truly ghastly. I feel

> compassion for him; he will be in the middle, trying to handle co-parenting

> with an emotionally unstable, probably openly hostile, probably vindictive

> and manipulative ex, while trying to keep his kids as stress-free and

> unaffected by the whole mess as possible, while also trying to make you as

> happy as possible too. While keeping up his job performance at work. Poor

> man. You will be his rock, I'm sure, and his haven of peace. I think family

> therapy is a great idea for all of you as you navigate your way through the

> choppy waters of divorce and forming a new family unit.

>

> I could be wrong but I don't think there's a Welcome To Oz Group

> specifically for your situation but there is at " bpdfamily.com " I think

> its the section called " Raising kids when one of the parents has bpd " , and

> its for step-parents as well.

>

> -Annie

>