Re: Should I go tomorrow?

[Guest guest]

Hi

I don't know if this will be helpful,but let's see...This event is going

to happen tomorrow and you have identified today what it is that really got on

your nerves about your nada bringing this Tim to the party: she'll make a

dramatic entrance with some guy she couldn't be bothered with properly

introducing to you...and when she mentioned it to you initially she was being

obnoxiously passive agressive about it and game playing and being

manipulative...so right now you're so annoyed with her that you are thinking

about deflating her little game/attention ploy/dramatics by not even showing up

to the party.

I think you have every reason to be annoyed with her.I wonder: is

there a way for you to acknowledge,for yourself,how justifiably annoyed you

are,now,enough for you to digest it and then attend this party anyway but refuse

to play along with her? You said that you'd like to see your other relatives and

of course you have every right to attend a family party and to enjoy yourself

there! In a way,to my view,nada made a tactical error in telling you beforehand

that she'll be bringing Tim along instead of just springing him on you at the

party itself---she showed her cards,displayed her hand...and so now you know

what's she got to deal and you can win at this " poker game " putting your own ace

onto the table: by refusing to play.

I think that you could go and treat the whole Tim thing like a total

nothing event.You know that nada wants you to react to her bringing Tim,so

don't! You could process how you feel today,on here if you want to by venting

all you want to get the frustration out,then at the actual party,treat the whole

thing like a non deal.

You could say to your daughter something like, " This is Grammy's

friend Tim " cheerfully but blandly,as if he's the same as some lady friend from

her bridge club,you know? And just leave it at that,sufficient as an

" explanation " ....since after all,what your nada is doing here is just more

convoluted crap and nobody can really explain it anyway except that she's trying

to get your goat and it's sick and isn't worth explaining anyhow; it seems to me

that the most important thing is rising above her game and not letting her know

that she got to you.He's just her friend Tim,no big deal.Don't play and enjoy

yourself with everyone else at the party.Whatever she says or does about this

Tim,you go blandly: Uh huh...uh huh...that's nice...And seek out the company of

the good people there who will make being there pleasant for you.

Having said all of that,I don't think you're wrong in not wanting to

show up.It's all about your comfort level.If her game is so annoying to you that

it's just going to cause you distress,to the degree that you won't be able to

enjoy the party,then of course you have every right in the world to choose to

stay away.Plus you've got some time here before you have to decide to attend or

not,time to process your feelings and to decide what you can or cannot tolerate.

> >

> > Ok, forgive me as I am new to this whole BPD scene and figuring out my mom's

" motivations " for the first time.

> >

> > My nada is going on an almost 2-month " cold shoulder/silent treatment " after

a holiday blow up.

> >

> > She called today to tell me that she is bringing a " male friend " to a big

family gathering tomorrow at my aunt's house. I had no idea she had been seeing

anyone. I calmly said " ok " and asked what's his name and what does he do, etc

etc. She immediately became hostile and said " this is my business and his name

is Tim and I'm not telling you anything else about it. I'd rather keep my

business to myself " . She went on to explain he was " just a friend " and there was

nothing romantic there. When I questioned why you would feel the need to

introduce a casual friend to your children and siblings, she told me " I am tired

of being alone at these family functions, I'd like to be with somebody " . Ok,

that makes a lot of sense...????

> >

> > I don't know why I let it get to me, but it worked. I know I shouldn't have

reacted but this holiday has been especially hard for me, realizing that I don't

have a real mom and grieving what we used to have before she went completely off

her rocker.

> >

> > After hanging up, I realized that she is doing this to make a big scene at

the family gathering and draw all attention to herself. And also to make me and

my brother feel awkward AND to show us she is in control, if possible, of our

emotions as well.

> >

> > I want to call her bluff and not show up tomorrow. I have a 3 year old

daughter and I would love to see my aunts and cousins but I don't know that I'm

up for seeing my mom making big dramatic entrances with some man just to prove a

point to me and I don't know that I want to explain that " man friend " to my 3

year old.

> >

> > She can introduce a man friend properly to me and my family without throwing

him in my face in a group full of people.

> >

> > Am I wrong in wanting to not show up? Be honest - I'm not looking for

validation. I want HONEST opinions please. I feel really in a daze right now

while learning about BPD.

> >

>