Re: my brother and nada

[Guest guest]

Fiona, my youngest brother has had to live with my mom on and off while he

finished college. He is just about to move out on his own.

I have watched over the last 5-6 years as she guilted him into letting her

borrow large sums of money (putting him in a bind) and guilted him into

countless things that he " should do because I'm your mother' and watched him

jump like a puppet.

I think, for the first time, he is finally starting to wise up to the FOG but

not entirely. Its very difficult to watch. I have tried to tell him over and

over not to let her do that. He acts tough guy but then the next thing you know,

he's going along with her latest guilt trip.

I am also realizing the triangular way things happen between my mom and my

brothers and I'm about to start drawing some boundaries. Just because it is

emotionally sucking me dry and my own husband and child are suffering from it.

Its hard to not get involved because there is that part of you that needs

validation that your mom is indeed crazy (as for me I am constantly questioning

that). So when you get on the phone with brother, it feels a small need to

confirm for the 1,000th time that its not just you.

But then when you get involved, you have allowed one more time for " mom drama "

to drain you dry of the energy you need to be giving to yourself and your own

family. At least for me that's the case.

so I understand what you are saying. It takes some mental and emotional strength

to stand clear of sibling/nada stuff.

>

> Thursday, I saw on caller ID that my mother was calling me. It was the middle

of the day so I didn't pick up.

>

> Then I saw my brother's name on caller ID. Ignored that one as well. He has

no respect for my phone boundaries. When I say I have to go, he keeps going and

seems to enjoy it.

>

> Anyway, Friday morning I found out what all the hub bub was. My mother told

me---expecting me to commiserate with her!---that my brother said he would come

to see her on new year's DAY, not Eve.

>

> She told him, " I don't need you to come over new year's day. I need you here

new year's eve! " He told her she needs to be more open to spending time with

friends. She said " You know I'm not that type of person. I need my kids with

me. " I almost burst out laughing on that one. Then she delivered her " crushing

blow. " " FINE! don't come over at all! i don't need you or anybody!! "

>

> I wasn't at all surprised by her sense of entitlement. As a waif and hermit,

she expects EVERYone to be concerned for HER first, to ask her how SHE is, if

SHE needs anything. [Aside: right now she's also pissed her upstairs neighbor

hasn't stopped by to see if she needs anything after the big snow we got. Like

she's supposed to do that!]

>

> Here's what I said to my mother: Nothing. She expected me to trash my brother

and blah blah blah. I just said, " Well, what are you gonna do, right? "

>

> I know my brother was calling me to get validation from me, to hear me say

that he did the right thing in telling my mother he wasn't coming over. But I

refuse to get involved. Whenever I've hinted at his need to pull away from her,

he gives me the " she's so old and needy " bit. I haven't " triangulated " in a

good year and I don't want to dip my toe in again.

>

> I'm DYING to call my brother and get his side of it, I think mostly because he

and I seem closest when we're bashing my mother; but it's a fake closeness and

it's over when we stop. I'm also dying to beg him to get therapy and get out of

the FOG.

>

> My mother's expectation that he be there for her--almost creepily like a

husband--is sick. She really doesn't care or consider that he might want to

meet other people or go out or anything. It's just her needs.

>

> Sick.

> Sick.

> Sick.

>

> I'm just letting him struggle with the guilt she puts on him; I don't think

there's more I can do. s.

>

> I invited her over last night for New Year's dinner and thankfully she said

no. She would just ruin the time talking about my brother, and rushing everyone

along with dinner so she could leave. I hate when she comes over.

>

> This morning, it's clear she's in full martyr/waif mode:

> * " I had to boil water! I have no bottled water!!! " [she could easily go to

the store and buy herself ONE large bottle of water to get her thru the next

couple of days. Plus, there is no need to boil water. She just thinks

something's wrong with tap water. Martyr!!!!! I said nothing and esp did not

offer to traipse to the store for her. Sheesh. Give me a break and drink the

damned tap water.]

> * " Your brother's such a jerk. He says he's SOOOO busy. Doing what?? Jerking

off???? All he does is sit on that computer of his! " [i want to scream " IT'S

NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS IF HE WANTS TO SIT AT HIS APT AND JERK OFF ALL

DAAAAAAAYYYYYY " She just wants him sitting in the same spot all weekend staring

at her and listening to her tiresome stories and ruminations about everything.]

> * " You can't count on ANYone. It's just me on my own. " [of course, she wants

me to jump in and beg her to reconsider what she said. " you can count on ME,

mummy!! " I am so, so sick of being her rescuer. That's what she wants. I'm not

doing it. Bite me.

>

> Does anyone else struggle with this with a sibling or relative? I'm thinking

my brother needs to arrive at this conclusion on his own. But I feel very bad

for him that she makes him feel like crap if he doesn't do what she say.

>

> It's like he's her employee and not her son. It's not ok for him to have his

own life or thoughts or dreams. She wants to swallow him whole.

>

> Fiona

>