Jump to content
RemedySpot.com

Re: Nada sent our daughter a xmas card

Rate this topic

Guest guest

By Guest guest
in Health, Medicine and Natural Healing 10

 Share

Recommended Posts

Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

Hey Kazam, that's fantastic! You really have come along way in your journey. It

can't have been easy and I think you have a lot to feel proud about!I became N.C

a few months ago and as much as it hurts, I can really relate to that sense of

liberation and freedom that you describe.

When you said that you couldn't believe " Nada is willing to forgo her family

members and live a dysfunctional life and see no wrong in herself " . I am too

quite bewildered by this!! She fights with absolutely everybody in her life

until they eventually can't take it any more and cut contact with her and she

has no concept of her own part in any of the conflict. Rather, she is the

perpetual victim!

I guess that in itself highlights just how sick they are!

I am still quite nervous about receiving anything from her or the possibility of

her turning up at my house. She likes to hold the power and I have essentially

taken it from her by not having any contact with her, so I am expecting a

surprise from her any moment, especially with Christmas looming - I have all

sorts of crazy scenes playing out in my head! :) I am constantly on the look out

for her car and I still get jumpy when the door knocks or the phone rings (even

though I barred her number). I am also worried about her trying to contact my

daughter in the future. Of course she has vowed to tell her the " truth " one day!

I guess it is just nice to know that if contact is made, I might eventually be

able to meet it with the same healthy detachment as you! Thanks for sharing. It

has given me hope!

With warmth,

Lynda

>

> I couldn't believe the nothingness I felt when our daughter came in from the

post with a card from Nada. She is 9 and opened it to find $30 in it. There

was no mention of my husband or myself. I have been NC since Feb. She sent a

card to her for Easter as well this year.

> It felt good to feel so differently to her sending something again.

> At Easter I pre-read the card and consulted my husband on what we should do.

Anxiety and sadness filled my bones.

> This time I let open the card and felt no anxiety or attachment to it

at all even as she read it out.

> The only thing I thought was of her being still the stubborn old so and so

that she is. She has dug her heals in and isn't going to admit she has a problem

and I have to accept her as she is or else I am wiped from the land of the

living.

> Denial denial denial. I am the bad daughter and the golden child has fallen

from grace.

> Feels so good to not care and want to give in to be back in her life. I have

moved on and it doesn't hurt anymore. The whole BPD thing amazes me that Nada

is willing to forgo her family members and live a dysfunctional life and see no

wrong in herself.

> She prpbably thinks I am suffering by her coldness. In the past I would have

given in to her and gone back with my tail between my legs acepting her for what

she is and does.

> I can't do it anymore and now that I am free of her I don't miss her.

> I just feel freedom in not playing games and know that it was so unhealthy for

me.

> It is harder having her in my life than not having her. I could fix the NC

tomorrow if I wanted but hey I DON'T WANT TO.

> That would give her control back over me.

> I am free FINALLY................................

> Nice to see how far I have come. Especially when the same situation was

replayed throughout the year and I had a totally different response. Time does

heal.

> Kazam x

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

Hey Kazam, that's fantastic! You really have come along way in your journey. It

can't have been easy and I think you have a lot to feel proud about!I became N.C

a few months ago and as much as it hurts, I can really relate to that sense of

liberation and freedom that you describe.

When you said that you couldn't believe " Nada is willing to forgo her family

members and live a dysfunctional life and see no wrong in herself " . I am too

quite bewildered by this!! She fights with absolutely everybody in her life

until they eventually can't take it any more and cut contact with her and she

has no concept of her own part in any of the conflict. Rather, she is the

perpetual victim!

I guess that in itself highlights just how sick they are!

I am still quite nervous about receiving anything from her or the possibility of

her turning up at my house. She likes to hold the power and I have essentially

taken it from her by not having any contact with her, so I am expecting a

surprise from her any moment, especially with Christmas looming - I have all

sorts of crazy scenes playing out in my head! :) I am constantly on the look out

for her car and I still get jumpy when the door knocks or the phone rings (even

though I barred her number). I am also worried about her trying to contact my

daughter in the future. Of course she has vowed to tell her the " truth " one day!

I guess it is just nice to know that if contact is made, I might eventually be

able to meet it with the same healthy detachment as you! Thanks for sharing. It

has given me hope!

With warmth,

Lynda

>

> I couldn't believe the nothingness I felt when our daughter came in from the

post with a card from Nada. She is 9 and opened it to find $30 in it. There

was no mention of my husband or myself. I have been NC since Feb. She sent a

card to her for Easter as well this year.

> It felt good to feel so differently to her sending something again.

> At Easter I pre-read the card and consulted my husband on what we should do.

Anxiety and sadness filled my bones.

> This time I let open the card and felt no anxiety or attachment to it

at all even as she read it out.

> The only thing I thought was of her being still the stubborn old so and so

that she is. She has dug her heals in and isn't going to admit she has a problem

and I have to accept her as she is or else I am wiped from the land of the

living.

> Denial denial denial. I am the bad daughter and the golden child has fallen

from grace.

> Feels so good to not care and want to give in to be back in her life. I have

moved on and it doesn't hurt anymore. The whole BPD thing amazes me that Nada

is willing to forgo her family members and live a dysfunctional life and see no

wrong in herself.

> She prpbably thinks I am suffering by her coldness. In the past I would have

given in to her and gone back with my tail between my legs acepting her for what

she is and does.

> I can't do it anymore and now that I am free of her I don't miss her.

> I just feel freedom in not playing games and know that it was so unhealthy for

me.

> It is harder having her in my life than not having her. I could fix the NC

tomorrow if I wanted but hey I DON'T WANT TO.

> That would give her control back over me.

> I am free FINALLY................................

> Nice to see how far I have come. Especially when the same situation was

replayed throughout the year and I had a totally different response. Time does

heal.

> Kazam x

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

Hey Kazam, that's fantastic! You really have come along way in your journey. It

can't have been easy and I think you have a lot to feel proud about!I became N.C

a few months ago and as much as it hurts, I can really relate to that sense of

liberation and freedom that you describe.

When you said that you couldn't believe " Nada is willing to forgo her family

members and live a dysfunctional life and see no wrong in herself " . I am too

quite bewildered by this!! She fights with absolutely everybody in her life

until they eventually can't take it any more and cut contact with her and she

has no concept of her own part in any of the conflict. Rather, she is the

perpetual victim!

I guess that in itself highlights just how sick they are!

I am still quite nervous about receiving anything from her or the possibility of

her turning up at my house. She likes to hold the power and I have essentially

taken it from her by not having any contact with her, so I am expecting a

surprise from her any moment, especially with Christmas looming - I have all

sorts of crazy scenes playing out in my head! :) I am constantly on the look out

for her car and I still get jumpy when the door knocks or the phone rings (even

though I barred her number). I am also worried about her trying to contact my

daughter in the future. Of course she has vowed to tell her the " truth " one day!

I guess it is just nice to know that if contact is made, I might eventually be

able to meet it with the same healthy detachment as you! Thanks for sharing. It

has given me hope!

With warmth,

Lynda

>

> I couldn't believe the nothingness I felt when our daughter came in from the

post with a card from Nada. She is 9 and opened it to find $30 in it. There

was no mention of my husband or myself. I have been NC since Feb. She sent a

card to her for Easter as well this year.

> It felt good to feel so differently to her sending something again.

> At Easter I pre-read the card and consulted my husband on what we should do.

Anxiety and sadness filled my bones.

> This time I let open the card and felt no anxiety or attachment to it

at all even as she read it out.

> The only thing I thought was of her being still the stubborn old so and so

that she is. She has dug her heals in and isn't going to admit she has a problem

and I have to accept her as she is or else I am wiped from the land of the

living.

> Denial denial denial. I am the bad daughter and the golden child has fallen

from grace.

> Feels so good to not care and want to give in to be back in her life. I have

moved on and it doesn't hurt anymore. The whole BPD thing amazes me that Nada

is willing to forgo her family members and live a dysfunctional life and see no

wrong in herself.

> She prpbably thinks I am suffering by her coldness. In the past I would have

given in to her and gone back with my tail between my legs acepting her for what

she is and does.

> I can't do it anymore and now that I am free of her I don't miss her.

> I just feel freedom in not playing games and know that it was so unhealthy for

me.

> It is harder having her in my life than not having her. I could fix the NC

tomorrow if I wanted but hey I DON'T WANT TO.

> That would give her control back over me.

> I am free FINALLY................................

> Nice to see how far I have come. Especially when the same situation was

replayed throughout the year and I had a totally different response. Time does

heal.

> Kazam x

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

Hi Lynda,

Yes baby steps. It does get easier. It also helps that I live so far away from

Nada.

I hope you can find peace this Christmas and stay strong in the knowing that you

have made the right decision to go NC. For me when I finally made that decision

it wasn't easy and it had it's aftermath. Once you feel the freedom you know

that you can't go back as it is not worth putting yourself through it again.

I think finding love for myself and having the beautiful husband and daughter in

my life helps me so much to want to stay NC. I am not allowing Nada to harm

anymore of my happiness.

Sending you many prayers at this difficult time of the year. When it gets to

much sometimes I hand over my hurt and anxiety to a higher power. It helps me to

let go and breathe life. The life we were meant to live fully in freedom and

happiness.

Kazam x

> >

> > I couldn't believe the nothingness I felt when our daughter came in from the

post with a card from Nada. She is 9 and opened it to find $30 in it. There

was no mention of my husband or myself. I have been NC since Feb. She sent a

card to her for Easter as well this year.

> > It felt good to feel so differently to her sending something again.

> > At Easter I pre-read the card and consulted my husband on what we should do.

Anxiety and sadness filled my bones.

> > This time I let open the card and felt no anxiety or attachment to it

at all even as she read it out.

> > The only thing I thought was of her being still the stubborn old so and so

that she is. She has dug her heals in and isn't going to admit she has a problem

and I have to accept her as she is or else I am wiped from the land of the

living.

> > Denial denial denial. I am the bad daughter and the golden child has fallen

from grace.

> > Feels so good to not care and want to give in to be back in her life. I

have moved on and it doesn't hurt anymore. The whole BPD thing amazes me that

Nada is willing to forgo her family members and live a dysfunctional life and

see no wrong in herself.

> > She prpbably thinks I am suffering by her coldness. In the past I would have

given in to her and gone back with my tail between my legs acepting her for what

she is and does.

> > I can't do it anymore and now that I am free of her I don't miss her.

> > I just feel freedom in not playing games and know that it was so unhealthy

for me.

> > It is harder having her in my life than not having her. I could fix the NC

tomorrow if I wanted but hey I DON'T WANT TO.

> > That would give her control back over me.

> > I am free FINALLY................................

> > Nice to see how far I have come. Especially when the same situation was

replayed throughout the year and I had a totally different response. Time does

heal.

> > Kazam x

> >

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

Hi Lynda,

Yes baby steps. It does get easier. It also helps that I live so far away from

Nada.

I hope you can find peace this Christmas and stay strong in the knowing that you

have made the right decision to go NC. For me when I finally made that decision

it wasn't easy and it had it's aftermath. Once you feel the freedom you know

that you can't go back as it is not worth putting yourself through it again.

I think finding love for myself and having the beautiful husband and daughter in

my life helps me so much to want to stay NC. I am not allowing Nada to harm

anymore of my happiness.

Sending you many prayers at this difficult time of the year. When it gets to

much sometimes I hand over my hurt and anxiety to a higher power. It helps me to

let go and breathe life. The life we were meant to live fully in freedom and

happiness.

Kazam x

> >

> > I couldn't believe the nothingness I felt when our daughter came in from the

post with a card from Nada. She is 9 and opened it to find $30 in it. There

was no mention of my husband or myself. I have been NC since Feb. She sent a

card to her for Easter as well this year.

> > It felt good to feel so differently to her sending something again.

> > At Easter I pre-read the card and consulted my husband on what we should do.

Anxiety and sadness filled my bones.

> > This time I let open the card and felt no anxiety or attachment to it

at all even as she read it out.

> > The only thing I thought was of her being still the stubborn old so and so

that she is. She has dug her heals in and isn't going to admit she has a problem

and I have to accept her as she is or else I am wiped from the land of the

living.

> > Denial denial denial. I am the bad daughter and the golden child has fallen

from grace.

> > Feels so good to not care and want to give in to be back in her life. I

have moved on and it doesn't hurt anymore. The whole BPD thing amazes me that

Nada is willing to forgo her family members and live a dysfunctional life and

see no wrong in herself.

> > She prpbably thinks I am suffering by her coldness. In the past I would have

given in to her and gone back with my tail between my legs acepting her for what

she is and does.

> > I can't do it anymore and now that I am free of her I don't miss her.

> > I just feel freedom in not playing games and know that it was so unhealthy

for me.

> > It is harder having her in my life than not having her. I could fix the NC

tomorrow if I wanted but hey I DON'T WANT TO.

> > That would give her control back over me.

> > I am free FINALLY................................

> > Nice to see how far I have come. Especially when the same situation was

replayed throughout the year and I had a totally different response. Time does

heal.

> > Kazam x

> >

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

Hi Lynda,

Yes baby steps. It does get easier. It also helps that I live so far away from

Nada.

I hope you can find peace this Christmas and stay strong in the knowing that you

have made the right decision to go NC. For me when I finally made that decision

it wasn't easy and it had it's aftermath. Once you feel the freedom you know

that you can't go back as it is not worth putting yourself through it again.

I think finding love for myself and having the beautiful husband and daughter in

my life helps me so much to want to stay NC. I am not allowing Nada to harm

anymore of my happiness.

Sending you many prayers at this difficult time of the year. When it gets to

much sometimes I hand over my hurt and anxiety to a higher power. It helps me to

let go and breathe life. The life we were meant to live fully in freedom and

happiness.

Kazam x

> >

> > I couldn't believe the nothingness I felt when our daughter came in from the

post with a card from Nada. She is 9 and opened it to find $30 in it. There

was no mention of my husband or myself. I have been NC since Feb. She sent a

card to her for Easter as well this year.

> > It felt good to feel so differently to her sending something again.

> > At Easter I pre-read the card and consulted my husband on what we should do.

Anxiety and sadness filled my bones.

> > This time I let open the card and felt no anxiety or attachment to it

at all even as she read it out.

> > The only thing I thought was of her being still the stubborn old so and so

that she is. She has dug her heals in and isn't going to admit she has a problem

and I have to accept her as she is or else I am wiped from the land of the

living.

> > Denial denial denial. I am the bad daughter and the golden child has fallen

from grace.

> > Feels so good to not care and want to give in to be back in her life. I

have moved on and it doesn't hurt anymore. The whole BPD thing amazes me that

Nada is willing to forgo her family members and live a dysfunctional life and

see no wrong in herself.

> > She prpbably thinks I am suffering by her coldness. In the past I would have

given in to her and gone back with my tail between my legs acepting her for what

she is and does.

> > I can't do it anymore and now that I am free of her I don't miss her.

> > I just feel freedom in not playing games and know that it was so unhealthy

for me.

> > It is harder having her in my life than not having her. I could fix the NC

tomorrow if I wanted but hey I DON'T WANT TO.

> > That would give her control back over me.

> > I am free FINALLY................................

> > Nice to see how far I have come. Especially when the same situation was

replayed throughout the year and I had a totally different response. Time does

heal.

> > Kazam x

> >

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

I went NC September of 09. My 8 year old found a package from Nada on the front

porch the other day - needless to say, it's now in the house and under the tree.

I dread seeing what's in there. Presents for all!

There was a meltdown on her part too, why don't I let her talk to her

grandmother? Thank goodness I was at work and my husband took care of telling

her exactly why.

I've been shaken up all week about it though. I guess I see it as one of her

'tricks' to undermine me again and it did work a little bit.

I like what you said about her not being able to harm any more of my happiness.

I do have alot of happiness and I am just now beginning to accept it. No way am

I going back.

> > >

> > > I couldn't believe the nothingness I felt when our daughter came in from

the post with a card from Nada. She is 9 and opened it to find $30 in it.

There was no mention of my husband or myself. I have been NC since Feb. She

sent a card to her for Easter as well this year.

> > > It felt good to feel so differently to her sending something again.

> > > At Easter I pre-read the card and consulted my husband on what we should

do. Anxiety and sadness filled my bones.

> > > This time I let open the card and felt no anxiety or attachment to

it at all even as she read it out.

> > > The only thing I thought was of her being still the stubborn old so and so

that she is. She has dug her heals in and isn't going to admit she has a problem

and I have to accept her as she is or else I am wiped from the land of the

living.

> > > Denial denial denial. I am the bad daughter and the golden child has

fallen from grace.

> > > Feels so good to not care and want to give in to be back in her life. I

have moved on and it doesn't hurt anymore. The whole BPD thing amazes me that

Nada is willing to forgo her family members and live a dysfunctional life and

see no wrong in herself.

> > > She prpbably thinks I am suffering by her coldness. In the past I would

have given in to her and gone back with my tail between my legs acepting her for

what she is and does.

> > > I can't do it anymore and now that I am free of her I don't miss her.

> > > I just feel freedom in not playing games and know that it was so unhealthy

for me.

> > > It is harder having her in my life than not having her. I could fix the

NC tomorrow if I wanted but hey I DON'T WANT TO.

> > > That would give her control back over me.

> > > I am free FINALLY................................

> > > Nice to see how far I have come. Especially when the same situation was

replayed throughout the year and I had a totally different response. Time does

heal.

> > > Kazam x

> > >

> >

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

I went NC September of 09. My 8 year old found a package from Nada on the front

porch the other day - needless to say, it's now in the house and under the tree.

I dread seeing what's in there. Presents for all!

There was a meltdown on her part too, why don't I let her talk to her

grandmother? Thank goodness I was at work and my husband took care of telling

her exactly why.

I've been shaken up all week about it though. I guess I see it as one of her

'tricks' to undermine me again and it did work a little bit.

I like what you said about her not being able to harm any more of my happiness.

I do have alot of happiness and I am just now beginning to accept it. No way am

I going back.

> > >

> > > I couldn't believe the nothingness I felt when our daughter came in from

the post with a card from Nada. She is 9 and opened it to find $30 in it.

There was no mention of my husband or myself. I have been NC since Feb. She

sent a card to her for Easter as well this year.

> > > It felt good to feel so differently to her sending something again.

> > > At Easter I pre-read the card and consulted my husband on what we should

do. Anxiety and sadness filled my bones.

> > > This time I let open the card and felt no anxiety or attachment to

it at all even as she read it out.

> > > The only thing I thought was of her being still the stubborn old so and so

that she is. She has dug her heals in and isn't going to admit she has a problem

and I have to accept her as she is or else I am wiped from the land of the

living.

> > > Denial denial denial. I am the bad daughter and the golden child has

fallen from grace.

> > > Feels so good to not care and want to give in to be back in her life. I

have moved on and it doesn't hurt anymore. The whole BPD thing amazes me that

Nada is willing to forgo her family members and live a dysfunctional life and

see no wrong in herself.

> > > She prpbably thinks I am suffering by her coldness. In the past I would

have given in to her and gone back with my tail between my legs acepting her for

what she is and does.

> > > I can't do it anymore and now that I am free of her I don't miss her.

> > > I just feel freedom in not playing games and know that it was so unhealthy

for me.

> > > It is harder having her in my life than not having her. I could fix the

NC tomorrow if I wanted but hey I DON'T WANT TO.

> > > That would give her control back over me.

> > > I am free FINALLY................................

> > > Nice to see how far I have come. Especially when the same situation was

replayed throughout the year and I had a totally different response. Time does

heal.

> > > Kazam x

> > >

> >

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

I went NC September of 09. My 8 year old found a package from Nada on the front

porch the other day - needless to say, it's now in the house and under the tree.

I dread seeing what's in there. Presents for all!

There was a meltdown on her part too, why don't I let her talk to her

grandmother? Thank goodness I was at work and my husband took care of telling

her exactly why.

I've been shaken up all week about it though. I guess I see it as one of her

'tricks' to undermine me again and it did work a little bit.

I like what you said about her not being able to harm any more of my happiness.

I do have alot of happiness and I am just now beginning to accept it. No way am

I going back.

> > >

> > > I couldn't believe the nothingness I felt when our daughter came in from

the post with a card from Nada. She is 9 and opened it to find $30 in it.

There was no mention of my husband or myself. I have been NC since Feb. She

sent a card to her for Easter as well this year.

> > > It felt good to feel so differently to her sending something again.

> > > At Easter I pre-read the card and consulted my husband on what we should

do. Anxiety and sadness filled my bones.

> > > This time I let open the card and felt no anxiety or attachment to

it at all even as she read it out.

> > > The only thing I thought was of her being still the stubborn old so and so

that she is. She has dug her heals in and isn't going to admit she has a problem

and I have to accept her as she is or else I am wiped from the land of the

living.

> > > Denial denial denial. I am the bad daughter and the golden child has

fallen from grace.

> > > Feels so good to not care and want to give in to be back in her life. I

have moved on and it doesn't hurt anymore. The whole BPD thing amazes me that

Nada is willing to forgo her family members and live a dysfunctional life and

see no wrong in herself.

> > > She prpbably thinks I am suffering by her coldness. In the past I would

have given in to her and gone back with my tail between my legs acepting her for

what she is and does.

> > > I can't do it anymore and now that I am free of her I don't miss her.

> > > I just feel freedom in not playing games and know that it was so unhealthy

for me.

> > > It is harder having her in my life than not having her. I could fix the

NC tomorrow if I wanted but hey I DON'T WANT TO.

> > > That would give her control back over me.

> > > I am free FINALLY................................

> > > Nice to see how far I have come. Especially when the same situation was

replayed throughout the year and I had a totally different response. Time does

heal.

> > > Kazam x

> > >

> >

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

I agree with the feeling of being undermined. To me it feels like Nada uses my

daughter to make out that she is not so bad and it is me who is the person

keeping her from Nada. I am made to look the bad guy. I feel for you in that

your daughter had a melt down. Lucky for me didn't and acknowledged that

I had been sent nothing and she offerd me $10. Of course I refused then nothing

more was mentioned.

It is also hard to make a 9 year old understand.

Last Christmas my daughter woke and witnessed my outburst to Nada and all that

was said to her. Many years of pain expressed.

She saw how upset I was and how Nada did not respond to my sadness for all the

years of hurt at all.

In someways I felt bad for this, even though I was speaking my truth and I did

it in a very assertive way rather than out of control way.

In other ways I am glad she heard it as she knows of my pain and how I told Nada

she had to change if she wanted to be in our lives. Nada said she was too old

to change. I also asked Nada to set me free of the responsibility of her and

her waife ways. She said in a half smart voice. " YOU ARE FREE " .

I think we really need our children to understand the best they can for their

age maturity. Why should I just pass over it and protect Nada like I have for

so many years already.

I dread the day that our daughter may contact Nada on her own when she is old

enough. Especially when they may become the rebelious teenager. I don't have

to worry about that for many years yet and it may not happen but it does cross

my mind. GIrls are more inclined to seek family members out. Hopefully Nada

would of smoked, gambled and drank her self 10 foot under by then.

Maybe when she is a teenager and asks any questions I can send her to Nada for a

few years to find out for herself. ha ha.

All jokes aside. I hope I am raising her to trust me that I have done the best

for all of us.

Kazam x

> > > >

> > > > I couldn't believe the nothingness I felt when our daughter came in from

the post with a card from Nada. She is 9 and opened it to find $30 in it.

There was no mention of my husband or myself. I have been NC since Feb. She

sent a card to her for Easter as well this year.

> > > > It felt good to feel so differently to her sending something again.

> > > > At Easter I pre-read the card and consulted my husband on what we should

do. Anxiety and sadness filled my bones.

> > > > This time I let open the card and felt no anxiety or attachment

to it at all even as she read it out.

> > > > The only thing I thought was of her being still the stubborn old so and

so that she is. She has dug her heals in and isn't going to admit she has a

problem and I have to accept her as she is or else I am wiped from the land of

the living.

> > > > Denial denial denial. I am the bad daughter and the golden child has

fallen from grace.

> > > > Feels so good to not care and want to give in to be back in her life. I

have moved on and it doesn't hurt anymore. The whole BPD thing amazes me that

Nada is willing to forgo her family members and live a dysfunctional life and

see no wrong in herself.

> > > > She prpbably thinks I am suffering by her coldness. In the past I would

have given in to her and gone back with my tail between my legs acepting her for

what she is and does.

> > > > I can't do it anymore and now that I am free of her I don't miss her.

> > > > I just feel freedom in not playing games and know that it was so

unhealthy for me.

> > > > It is harder having her in my life than not having her. I could fix the

NC tomorrow if I wanted but hey I DON'T WANT TO.

> > > > That would give her control back over me.

> > > > I am free FINALLY................................

> > > > Nice to see how far I have come. Especially when the same situation was

replayed throughout the year and I had a totally different response. Time does

heal.

> > > > Kazam x

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

Hi Kazam, thanks heaps for your supportive words. I like your antidote to

teenage rebellion :)I too worry about my daughter getting curious in the future.

I'll have to keep that idea in mind! Ha, ha! Truly though, it sounds like you

have managed the difficult task of explaining things to your daughter amazingly

well and I think your openness and honesty with her is just fantastic. I find it

very inspiring and I can imagine you are bringing up a very well balanced little

girl!

I like also what you said about enjoying your freedom and not allowing any more

happiness to be taken from you (although I think you said it much more

eloquently). I too have many blessings and feel so fortunate to have my

beautiful partner and daughter to keep me feeling so loved and grounded.

Speaking of which, I hope you had a lovely, happy Christmas with your family.

Many blessings to you.

Lynda x

> > > > >

> > > > > I couldn't believe the nothingness I felt when our daughter came in

from the post with a card from Nada. She is 9 and opened it to find $30 in it.

There was no mention of my husband or myself. I have been NC since Feb. She

sent a card to her for Easter as well this year.

> > > > > It felt good to feel so differently to her sending something again.

> > > > > At Easter I pre-read the card and consulted my husband on what we

should do. Anxiety and sadness filled my bones.

> > > > > This time I let open the card and felt no anxiety or attachment

to it at all even as she read it out.

> > > > > The only thing I thought was of her being still the stubborn old so

and so that she is. She has dug her heals in and isn't going to admit she has a

problem and I have to accept her as she is or else I am wiped from the land of

the living.

> > > > > Denial denial denial. I am the bad daughter and the golden child has

fallen from grace.

> > > > > Feels so good to not care and want to give in to be back in her life.

I have moved on and it doesn't hurt anymore. The whole BPD thing amazes me that

Nada is willing to forgo her family members and live a dysfunctional life and

see no wrong in herself.

> > > > > She prpbably thinks I am suffering by her coldness. In the past I

would have given in to her and gone back with my tail between my legs acepting

her for what she is and does.

> > > > > I can't do it anymore and now that I am free of her I don't miss her.

> > > > > I just feel freedom in not playing games and know that it was so

unhealthy for me.

> > > > > It is harder having her in my life than not having her. I could fix

the NC tomorrow if I wanted but hey I DON'T WANT TO.

> > > > > That would give her control back over me.

> > > > > I am free FINALLY................................

> > > > > Nice to see how far I have come. Especially when the same situation

was replayed throughout the year and I had a totally different response. Time

does heal.

> > > > > Kazam x

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

Hi Kazam, thanks heaps for your supportive words. I like your antidote to

teenage rebellion :)I too worry about my daughter getting curious in the future.

I'll have to keep that idea in mind! Ha, ha! Truly though, it sounds like you

have managed the difficult task of explaining things to your daughter amazingly

well and I think your openness and honesty with her is just fantastic. I find it

very inspiring and I can imagine you are bringing up a very well balanced little

girl!

I like also what you said about enjoying your freedom and not allowing any more

happiness to be taken from you (although I think you said it much more

eloquently). I too have many blessings and feel so fortunate to have my

beautiful partner and daughter to keep me feeling so loved and grounded.

Speaking of which, I hope you had a lovely, happy Christmas with your family.

Many blessings to you.

Lynda x

> > > > >

> > > > > I couldn't believe the nothingness I felt when our daughter came in

from the post with a card from Nada. She is 9 and opened it to find $30 in it.

There was no mention of my husband or myself. I have been NC since Feb. She

sent a card to her for Easter as well this year.

> > > > > It felt good to feel so differently to her sending something again.

> > > > > At Easter I pre-read the card and consulted my husband on what we

should do. Anxiety and sadness filled my bones.

> > > > > This time I let open the card and felt no anxiety or attachment

to it at all even as she read it out.

> > > > > The only thing I thought was of her being still the stubborn old so

and so that she is. She has dug her heals in and isn't going to admit she has a

problem and I have to accept her as she is or else I am wiped from the land of

the living.

> > > > > Denial denial denial. I am the bad daughter and the golden child has

fallen from grace.

> > > > > Feels so good to not care and want to give in to be back in her life.

I have moved on and it doesn't hurt anymore. The whole BPD thing amazes me that

Nada is willing to forgo her family members and live a dysfunctional life and

see no wrong in herself.

> > > > > She prpbably thinks I am suffering by her coldness. In the past I

would have given in to her and gone back with my tail between my legs acepting

her for what she is and does.

> > > > > I can't do it anymore and now that I am free of her I don't miss her.

> > > > > I just feel freedom in not playing games and know that it was so

unhealthy for me.

> > > > > It is harder having her in my life than not having her. I could fix

the NC tomorrow if I wanted but hey I DON'T WANT TO.

> > > > > That would give her control back over me.

> > > > > I am free FINALLY................................

> > > > > Nice to see how far I have come. Especially when the same situation

was replayed throughout the year and I had a totally different response. Time

does heal.

> > > > > Kazam x

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

Hi Kazam, thanks heaps for your supportive words. I like your antidote to

teenage rebellion :)I too worry about my daughter getting curious in the future.

I'll have to keep that idea in mind! Ha, ha! Truly though, it sounds like you

have managed the difficult task of explaining things to your daughter amazingly

well and I think your openness and honesty with her is just fantastic. I find it

very inspiring and I can imagine you are bringing up a very well balanced little

girl!

I like also what you said about enjoying your freedom and not allowing any more

happiness to be taken from you (although I think you said it much more

eloquently). I too have many blessings and feel so fortunate to have my

beautiful partner and daughter to keep me feeling so loved and grounded.

Speaking of which, I hope you had a lovely, happy Christmas with your family.

Many blessings to you.

Lynda x

> > > > >

> > > > > I couldn't believe the nothingness I felt when our daughter came in

from the post with a card from Nada. She is 9 and opened it to find $30 in it.

There was no mention of my husband or myself. I have been NC since Feb. She

sent a card to her for Easter as well this year.

> > > > > It felt good to feel so differently to her sending something again.

> > > > > At Easter I pre-read the card and consulted my husband on what we

should do. Anxiety and sadness filled my bones.

> > > > > This time I let open the card and felt no anxiety or attachment

to it at all even as she read it out.

> > > > > The only thing I thought was of her being still the stubborn old so

and so that she is. She has dug her heals in and isn't going to admit she has a

problem and I have to accept her as she is or else I am wiped from the land of

the living.

> > > > > Denial denial denial. I am the bad daughter and the golden child has

fallen from grace.

> > > > > Feels so good to not care and want to give in to be back in her life.

I have moved on and it doesn't hurt anymore. The whole BPD thing amazes me that

Nada is willing to forgo her family members and live a dysfunctional life and

see no wrong in herself.

> > > > > She prpbably thinks I am suffering by her coldness. In the past I

would have given in to her and gone back with my tail between my legs acepting

her for what she is and does.

> > > > > I can't do it anymore and now that I am free of her I don't miss her.

> > > > > I just feel freedom in not playing games and know that it was so

unhealthy for me.

> > > > > It is harder having her in my life than not having her. I could fix

the NC tomorrow if I wanted but hey I DON'T WANT TO.

> > > > > That would give her control back over me.

> > > > > I am free FINALLY................................

> > > > > Nice to see how far I have come. Especially when the same situation

was replayed throughout the year and I had a totally different response. Time

does heal.

> > > > > Kazam x

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

Thanks Lynda for all your kind words. Sounds like you are doing very well too.

This group has definately helped me. Especially over Xmas it has been wonderful

to have the support of others who understand. Even though my husband it great

it is still hard for him and somtimes he doesn't understand all the bother I

feel.

I had another instance last night to see how far I had come. Our daughter was

going through photos and came across one of Nada. It was a photo I took many

years ago after I made her put on an old hat and long sleeve shirt before she

went out side in our tropical weather. I looked at it and felt not one bit of

sadness or that I missed her. The photo only confirmed how much of a mother I

was to her. I was forever telling her cover up in the sun. She has such fair

skin and always wanted a tan. I even remembered when we were kids we went on a

holiday and she got so burnt that she had to sleep in a chair and she was so

miserable the whole time and ruined it for everyone.

BPD is so childlike. She still continues to make bad choices for herself and her

health. Least I am off the hook now to the mothering of her.

Sometimes I am very hard on my daughter because she triggers me with Nada's

childlike behaviour. I have to talk myself around as she is only 8 and a child

when she does similiar things.

I think that I parented Nada for so long that sometimes I am just tired of being

responsible and having no support besides my husband in raising her. I always

beat myself up if I am doing the right thing as a mum with her because I didn't

have a role model. The only thing I go on is the flip side of it, and treat her

how I would of liked to be treated as a daughter. At least I have a great

understanding of that.

How do you go with your daughter? Do you have similiar struggles?

Kazam x

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I couldn't believe the nothingness I felt when our daughter came in

from the post with a card from Nada. She is 9 and opened it to find $30 in it.

There was no mention of my husband or myself. I have been NC since Feb. She

sent a card to her for Easter as well this year.

> > > > > > It felt good to feel so differently to her sending something again.

> > > > > > At Easter I pre-read the card and consulted my husband on what we

should do. Anxiety and sadness filled my bones.

> > > > > > This time I let open the card and felt no anxiety or

attachment to it at all even as she read it out.

> > > > > > The only thing I thought was of her being still the stubborn old so

and so that she is. She has dug her heals in and isn't going to admit she has a

problem and I have to accept her as she is or else I am wiped from the land of

the living.

> > > > > > Denial denial denial. I am the bad daughter and the golden child

has fallen from grace.

> > > > > > Feels so good to not care and want to give in to be back in her

life. I have moved on and it doesn't hurt anymore. The whole BPD thing amazes

me that Nada is willing to forgo her family members and live a dysfunctional

life and see no wrong in herself.

> > > > > > She prpbably thinks I am suffering by her coldness. In the past I

would have given in to her and gone back with my tail between my legs acepting

her for what she is and does.

> > > > > > I can't do it anymore and now that I am free of her I don't miss

her.

> > > > > > I just feel freedom in not playing games and know that it was so

unhealthy for me.

> > > > > > It is harder having her in my life than not having her. I could fix

the NC tomorrow if I wanted but hey I DON'T WANT TO.

> > > > > > That would give her control back over me.

> > > > > > I am free FINALLY................................

> > > > > > Nice to see how far I have come. Especially when the same situation

was replayed throughout the year and I had a totally different response. Time

does heal.

> > > > > > Kazam x

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

Thanks Lynda for all your kind words. Sounds like you are doing very well too.

This group has definately helped me. Especially over Xmas it has been wonderful

to have the support of others who understand. Even though my husband it great

it is still hard for him and somtimes he doesn't understand all the bother I

feel.

I had another instance last night to see how far I had come. Our daughter was

going through photos and came across one of Nada. It was a photo I took many

years ago after I made her put on an old hat and long sleeve shirt before she

went out side in our tropical weather. I looked at it and felt not one bit of

sadness or that I missed her. The photo only confirmed how much of a mother I

was to her. I was forever telling her cover up in the sun. She has such fair

skin and always wanted a tan. I even remembered when we were kids we went on a

holiday and she got so burnt that she had to sleep in a chair and she was so

miserable the whole time and ruined it for everyone.

BPD is so childlike. She still continues to make bad choices for herself and her

health. Least I am off the hook now to the mothering of her.

Sometimes I am very hard on my daughter because she triggers me with Nada's

childlike behaviour. I have to talk myself around as she is only 8 and a child

when she does similiar things.

I think that I parented Nada for so long that sometimes I am just tired of being

responsible and having no support besides my husband in raising her. I always

beat myself up if I am doing the right thing as a mum with her because I didn't

have a role model. The only thing I go on is the flip side of it, and treat her

how I would of liked to be treated as a daughter. At least I have a great

understanding of that.

How do you go with your daughter? Do you have similiar struggles?

Kazam x

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I couldn't believe the nothingness I felt when our daughter came in

from the post with a card from Nada. She is 9 and opened it to find $30 in it.

There was no mention of my husband or myself. I have been NC since Feb. She

sent a card to her for Easter as well this year.

> > > > > > It felt good to feel so differently to her sending something again.

> > > > > > At Easter I pre-read the card and consulted my husband on what we

should do. Anxiety and sadness filled my bones.

> > > > > > This time I let open the card and felt no anxiety or

attachment to it at all even as she read it out.

> > > > > > The only thing I thought was of her being still the stubborn old so

and so that she is. She has dug her heals in and isn't going to admit she has a

problem and I have to accept her as she is or else I am wiped from the land of

the living.

> > > > > > Denial denial denial. I am the bad daughter and the golden child

has fallen from grace.

> > > > > > Feels so good to not care and want to give in to be back in her

life. I have moved on and it doesn't hurt anymore. The whole BPD thing amazes

me that Nada is willing to forgo her family members and live a dysfunctional

life and see no wrong in herself.

> > > > > > She prpbably thinks I am suffering by her coldness. In the past I

would have given in to her and gone back with my tail between my legs acepting

her for what she is and does.

> > > > > > I can't do it anymore and now that I am free of her I don't miss

her.

> > > > > > I just feel freedom in not playing games and know that it was so

unhealthy for me.

> > > > > > It is harder having her in my life than not having her. I could fix

the NC tomorrow if I wanted but hey I DON'T WANT TO.

> > > > > > That would give her control back over me.

> > > > > > I am free FINALLY................................

> > > > > > Nice to see how far I have come. Especially when the same situation

was replayed throughout the year and I had a totally different response. Time

does heal.

> > > > > > Kazam x

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

Hey Kazam, my situation with my daughter is a little different as she is only

just about to turn one. My mother was around for the first six months of her

life and then has had no contact with her since.

Weirdly, after living away from my mother for 13 years, we both moved back to my

home town while I was pregnant and she now lives five minutes away from me. She

was amazingly supportive when my daughter was born, cooking for me etc. She does

have an incredibly soft, gentle nurturing side to her, which is why I have

always found this so confusing! Needless to say, even when she is playing the

nurturing mother, she still very intense and volatile and I was never really,

truly at ease with her.

Anyway as nervous as I felt about living so close to her again, I couldn't help

but think that her having a part in my daughter's life would be very healing for

her. I also liked the idea of having short visits with her, where I had the

freedom to leave and go home rather than the few intense visits a year that

would leave me scarred for months afterwards.

But alas it wasn't to be. I started enforcing some pretty strong boundaries

after she raged at me out of the blue one night and she hated it! Eventually she

told me that she was divorcing me (she also told me that I was finally free of

her,like your Nada!). Ironically, I had to change my mobile number and block her

number from my home phone because she wouldn't stop messaging or calling and

leaving nasty messages (funny concept of divorce!). She still messages my

partner and best friend from time to time. I have only just stopped jumping when

the phone rings or I get a message on my phone!

Anyway, sorry I'm not great at summarising! :)

I think having my daughter was the catalyst for me taking a strong stand- a

mother bear kind of thing. It was really scary for me going down the path of L.C

and eventually N.C, but her last rage was my breaking point and I knew I

couldn't allow the pattern to continue and expose my daughter to it for one

moment.

It makes me really sad on so many levels- that my daughter is missing out on a

Grandmother and also sad for my mother for being so sick and missing out on

watching my beautiful girl grow up, because she brings me so much happiness!

But on the flip side, it feels really liberating and I am glad that I have

finally confronted the reality of my situation and have removed the possibility

of my daughter ever being harmed by her. Deep down I felt I could never really

trust her to be alone with her, but if my mother was still on her " good "

behaviour and I was in a denial phase, then I may have left my daughter with

her. I'm not sure she would ever harm her intentionally, but she does drink

alcohol every day and she is especially unstable when she drinks, so who knows

what could have happened?? Also, I could definitely forsee it becoming an issue

as my daughter grew older and started having her own opinions.

I know exactly what you mean about the child-like behaviour. My mother's

behaviour is very akin to a child's and she has even told me that I treat her

like a child. Well, hello!! I too have a really hard time if I sense anybody

needs me because of that sense of feeling like a parent to her, so I can relate

to you here.

I'm not sure what questions my daughter might ask in the future or how I will

handle explaining things to her, but it really sounds like you are doing an

amazing job handling this difficult task with your daughter.

Also, I think your self-awareness is fantastic. It's not easy being a parent and

no one can be perfect! It must be hard for you with no other family support, so

please be kind to yourself and know that you are doing an amazing job! As you

said, even though you lacked a positive role-model, you have a great picture of

what not to be like!!

Well, I hope this answered your question? I'm really not great at getting to the

point, so I hope you find something that I have written at least little bit

useful!

I hope you're enjoying a lovely holiday with your family.

With Warmth,

Lynda x

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > I couldn't believe the nothingness I felt when our daughter came

in from the post with a card from Nada. She is 9 and opened it to find $30 in

it. There was no mention of my husband or myself. I have been NC since Feb.

She sent a card to her for Easter as well this year.

> > > > > > > It felt good to feel so differently to her sending something

again.

> > > > > > > At Easter I pre-read the card and consulted my husband on what we

should do. Anxiety and sadness filled my bones.

> > > > > > > This time I let open the card and felt no anxiety or

attachment to it at all even as she read it out.

> > > > > > > The only thing I thought was of her being still the stubborn old

so and so that she is. She has dug her heals in and isn't going to admit she has

a problem and I have to accept her as she is or else I am wiped from the land of

the living.

> > > > > > > Denial denial denial. I am the bad daughter and the golden child

has fallen from grace.

> > > > > > > Feels so good to not care and want to give in to be back in her

life. I have moved on and it doesn't hurt anymore. The whole BPD thing amazes

me that Nada is willing to forgo her family members and live a dysfunctional

life and see no wrong in herself.

> > > > > > > She prpbably thinks I am suffering by her coldness. In the past I

would have given in to her and gone back with my tail between my legs acepting

her for what she is and does.

> > > > > > > I can't do it anymore and now that I am free of her I don't miss

her.

> > > > > > > I just feel freedom in not playing games and know that it was so

unhealthy for me.

> > > > > > > It is harder having her in my life than not having her. I could

fix the NC tomorrow if I wanted but hey I DON'T WANT TO.

> > > > > > > That would give her control back over me.

> > > > > > > I am free FINALLY................................

> > > > > > > Nice to see how far I have come. Especially when the same

situation was replayed throughout the year and I had a totally different

response. Time does heal.

> > > > > > > Kazam x

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

Hey Kazam, my situation with my daughter is a little different as she is only

just about to turn one. My mother was around for the first six months of her

life and then has had no contact with her since.

Weirdly, after living away from my mother for 13 years, we both moved back to my

home town while I was pregnant and she now lives five minutes away from me. She

was amazingly supportive when my daughter was born, cooking for me etc. She does

have an incredibly soft, gentle nurturing side to her, which is why I have

always found this so confusing! Needless to say, even when she is playing the

nurturing mother, she still very intense and volatile and I was never really,

truly at ease with her.

Anyway as nervous as I felt about living so close to her again, I couldn't help

but think that her having a part in my daughter's life would be very healing for

her. I also liked the idea of having short visits with her, where I had the

freedom to leave and go home rather than the few intense visits a year that

would leave me scarred for months afterwards.

But alas it wasn't to be. I started enforcing some pretty strong boundaries

after she raged at me out of the blue one night and she hated it! Eventually she

told me that she was divorcing me (she also told me that I was finally free of

her,like your Nada!). Ironically, I had to change my mobile number and block her

number from my home phone because she wouldn't stop messaging or calling and

leaving nasty messages (funny concept of divorce!). She still messages my

partner and best friend from time to time. I have only just stopped jumping when

the phone rings or I get a message on my phone!

Anyway, sorry I'm not great at summarising! :)

I think having my daughter was the catalyst for me taking a strong stand- a

mother bear kind of thing. It was really scary for me going down the path of L.C

and eventually N.C, but her last rage was my breaking point and I knew I

couldn't allow the pattern to continue and expose my daughter to it for one

moment.

It makes me really sad on so many levels- that my daughter is missing out on a

Grandmother and also sad for my mother for being so sick and missing out on

watching my beautiful girl grow up, because she brings me so much happiness!

But on the flip side, it feels really liberating and I am glad that I have

finally confronted the reality of my situation and have removed the possibility

of my daughter ever being harmed by her. Deep down I felt I could never really

trust her to be alone with her, but if my mother was still on her " good "

behaviour and I was in a denial phase, then I may have left my daughter with

her. I'm not sure she would ever harm her intentionally, but she does drink

alcohol every day and she is especially unstable when she drinks, so who knows

what could have happened?? Also, I could definitely forsee it becoming an issue

as my daughter grew older and started having her own opinions.

I know exactly what you mean about the child-like behaviour. My mother's

behaviour is very akin to a child's and she has even told me that I treat her

like a child. Well, hello!! I too have a really hard time if I sense anybody

needs me because of that sense of feeling like a parent to her, so I can relate

to you here.

I'm not sure what questions my daughter might ask in the future or how I will

handle explaining things to her, but it really sounds like you are doing an

amazing job handling this difficult task with your daughter.

Also, I think your self-awareness is fantastic. It's not easy being a parent and

no one can be perfect! It must be hard for you with no other family support, so

please be kind to yourself and know that you are doing an amazing job! As you

said, even though you lacked a positive role-model, you have a great picture of

what not to be like!!

Well, I hope this answered your question? I'm really not great at getting to the

point, so I hope you find something that I have written at least little bit

useful!

I hope you're enjoying a lovely holiday with your family.

With Warmth,

Lynda x

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > I couldn't believe the nothingness I felt when our daughter came

in from the post with a card from Nada. She is 9 and opened it to find $30 in

it. There was no mention of my husband or myself. I have been NC since Feb.

She sent a card to her for Easter as well this year.

> > > > > > > It felt good to feel so differently to her sending something

again.

> > > > > > > At Easter I pre-read the card and consulted my husband on what we

should do. Anxiety and sadness filled my bones.

> > > > > > > This time I let open the card and felt no anxiety or

attachment to it at all even as she read it out.

> > > > > > > The only thing I thought was of her being still the stubborn old

so and so that she is. She has dug her heals in and isn't going to admit she has

a problem and I have to accept her as she is or else I am wiped from the land of

the living.

> > > > > > > Denial denial denial. I am the bad daughter and the golden child

has fallen from grace.

> > > > > > > Feels so good to not care and want to give in to be back in her

life. I have moved on and it doesn't hurt anymore. The whole BPD thing amazes

me that Nada is willing to forgo her family members and live a dysfunctional

life and see no wrong in herself.

> > > > > > > She prpbably thinks I am suffering by her coldness. In the past I

would have given in to her and gone back with my tail between my legs acepting

her for what she is and does.

> > > > > > > I can't do it anymore and now that I am free of her I don't miss

her.

> > > > > > > I just feel freedom in not playing games and know that it was so

unhealthy for me.

> > > > > > > It is harder having her in my life than not having her. I could

fix the NC tomorrow if I wanted but hey I DON'T WANT TO.

> > > > > > > That would give her control back over me.

> > > > > > > I am free FINALLY................................

> > > > > > > Nice to see how far I have come. Especially when the same

situation was replayed throughout the year and I had a totally different

response. Time does heal.

> > > > > > > Kazam x

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

Hey Kazam, my situation with my daughter is a little different as she is only

just about to turn one. My mother was around for the first six months of her

life and then has had no contact with her since.

Weirdly, after living away from my mother for 13 years, we both moved back to my

home town while I was pregnant and she now lives five minutes away from me. She

was amazingly supportive when my daughter was born, cooking for me etc. She does

have an incredibly soft, gentle nurturing side to her, which is why I have

always found this so confusing! Needless to say, even when she is playing the

nurturing mother, she still very intense and volatile and I was never really,

truly at ease with her.

Anyway as nervous as I felt about living so close to her again, I couldn't help

but think that her having a part in my daughter's life would be very healing for

her. I also liked the idea of having short visits with her, where I had the

freedom to leave and go home rather than the few intense visits a year that

would leave me scarred for months afterwards.

But alas it wasn't to be. I started enforcing some pretty strong boundaries

after she raged at me out of the blue one night and she hated it! Eventually she

told me that she was divorcing me (she also told me that I was finally free of

her,like your Nada!). Ironically, I had to change my mobile number and block her

number from my home phone because she wouldn't stop messaging or calling and

leaving nasty messages (funny concept of divorce!). She still messages my

partner and best friend from time to time. I have only just stopped jumping when

the phone rings or I get a message on my phone!

Anyway, sorry I'm not great at summarising! :)

I think having my daughter was the catalyst for me taking a strong stand- a

mother bear kind of thing. It was really scary for me going down the path of L.C

and eventually N.C, but her last rage was my breaking point and I knew I

couldn't allow the pattern to continue and expose my daughter to it for one

moment.

It makes me really sad on so many levels- that my daughter is missing out on a

Grandmother and also sad for my mother for being so sick and missing out on

watching my beautiful girl grow up, because she brings me so much happiness!

But on the flip side, it feels really liberating and I am glad that I have

finally confronted the reality of my situation and have removed the possibility

of my daughter ever being harmed by her. Deep down I felt I could never really

trust her to be alone with her, but if my mother was still on her " good "

behaviour and I was in a denial phase, then I may have left my daughter with

her. I'm not sure she would ever harm her intentionally, but she does drink

alcohol every day and she is especially unstable when she drinks, so who knows

what could have happened?? Also, I could definitely forsee it becoming an issue

as my daughter grew older and started having her own opinions.

I know exactly what you mean about the child-like behaviour. My mother's

behaviour is very akin to a child's and she has even told me that I treat her

like a child. Well, hello!! I too have a really hard time if I sense anybody

needs me because of that sense of feeling like a parent to her, so I can relate

to you here.

I'm not sure what questions my daughter might ask in the future or how I will

handle explaining things to her, but it really sounds like you are doing an

amazing job handling this difficult task with your daughter.

Also, I think your self-awareness is fantastic. It's not easy being a parent and

no one can be perfect! It must be hard for you with no other family support, so

please be kind to yourself and know that you are doing an amazing job! As you

said, even though you lacked a positive role-model, you have a great picture of

what not to be like!!

Well, I hope this answered your question? I'm really not great at getting to the

point, so I hope you find something that I have written at least little bit

useful!

I hope you're enjoying a lovely holiday with your family.

With Warmth,

Lynda x

> > > > > > >

> > > > > > > I couldn't believe the nothingness I felt when our daughter came

in from the post with a card from Nada. She is 9 and opened it to find $30 in

it. There was no mention of my husband or myself. I have been NC since Feb.

She sent a card to her for Easter as well this year.

> > > > > > > It felt good to feel so differently to her sending something

again.

> > > > > > > At Easter I pre-read the card and consulted my husband on what we

should do. Anxiety and sadness filled my bones.

> > > > > > > This time I let open the card and felt no anxiety or

attachment to it at all even as she read it out.

> > > > > > > The only thing I thought was of her being still the stubborn old

so and so that she is. She has dug her heals in and isn't going to admit she has

a problem and I have to accept her as she is or else I am wiped from the land of

the living.

> > > > > > > Denial denial denial. I am the bad daughter and the golden child

has fallen from grace.

> > > > > > > Feels so good to not care and want to give in to be back in her

life. I have moved on and it doesn't hurt anymore. The whole BPD thing amazes

me that Nada is willing to forgo her family members and live a dysfunctional

life and see no wrong in herself.

> > > > > > > She prpbably thinks I am suffering by her coldness. In the past I

would have given in to her and gone back with my tail between my legs acepting

her for what she is and does.

> > > > > > > I can't do it anymore and now that I am free of her I don't miss

her.

> > > > > > > I just feel freedom in not playing games and know that it was so

unhealthy for me.

> > > > > > > It is harder having her in my life than not having her. I could

fix the NC tomorrow if I wanted but hey I DON'T WANT TO.

> > > > > > > That would give her control back over me.

> > > > > > > I am free FINALLY................................

> > > > > > > Nice to see how far I have come. Especially when the same

situation was replayed throughout the year and I had a totally different

response. Time does heal.

> > > > > > > Kazam x

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

Thanks Lynda. i did get something out of your post. I also felt confused

because Nada has a soft nurturing side when she wants to. I think this is what

held me with hope for many years.

It felt like I still did get something from her. Mainly it was praise when I

was being the good daughter and doing as I was told. Meeting her needs and

listening to her crap.

The bad ended up outwaying the good for me. I also was waiting for the

explosions even when things were good.

I would feel exhausted after spending anytime with her and amazing rage that I

felt I held in all the time. It was only when I became aware that her behaviour

was harder to tolerate.

I knew it wasn't normal and couldn't accept it anymore.

She was wonderful to my daughter. Showering her with gifts and love but only

when it suited her. She would be full at the first part of her stay only to

then get sick of playing Nanny and then my daughter was too much for her.

She never gave the support or break that I really needed.

My daughter started to see things for herself in the last 2 years of still being

in contact with her that she knew was not normal. Amazing she could tell this

and use to let me know of what had happened or what was said when I wasn't

around.

I am happy with my decision now that I have come to the acceptance that I will

never have the mother nor will our daughter ever have the grandmother we hoped

for.

We both have so many other positives in our lives.

You are doing very well too.

You are very brave goign NC at an early stage of your daughter's life. It took

me many more years to be that brave and go NC.

Kazam x

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > I couldn't believe the nothingness I felt when our daughter came

in from the post with a card from Nada. She is 9 and opened it to find $30 in

it. There was no mention of my husband or myself. I have been NC since Feb.

She sent a card to her for Easter as well this year.

> > > > > > > > It felt good to feel so differently to her sending something

again.

> > > > > > > > At Easter I pre-read the card and consulted my husband on what

we should do. Anxiety and sadness filled my bones.

> > > > > > > > This time I let open the card and felt no anxiety or

attachment to it at all even as she read it out.

> > > > > > > > The only thing I thought was of her being still the stubborn old

so and so that she is. She has dug her heals in and isn't going to admit she has

a problem and I have to accept her as she is or else I am wiped from the land of

the living.

> > > > > > > > Denial denial denial. I am the bad daughter and the golden

child has fallen from grace.

> > > > > > > > Feels so good to not care and want to give in to be back in her

life. I have moved on and it doesn't hurt anymore. The whole BPD thing amazes

me that Nada is willing to forgo her family members and live a dysfunctional

life and see no wrong in herself.

> > > > > > > > She prpbably thinks I am suffering by her coldness. In the past

I would have given in to her and gone back with my tail between my legs acepting

her for what she is and does.

> > > > > > > > I can't do it anymore and now that I am free of her I don't miss

her.

> > > > > > > > I just feel freedom in not playing games and know that it was so

unhealthy for me.

> > > > > > > > It is harder having her in my life than not having her. I could

fix the NC tomorrow if I wanted but hey I DON'T WANT TO.

> > > > > > > > That would give her control back over me.

> > > > > > > > I am free FINALLY................................

> > > > > > > > Nice to see how far I have come. Especially when the same

situation was replayed throughout the year and I had a totally different

response. Time does heal.

> > > > > > > > Kazam x

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

Hey Kazam, the Jeckyll and Hyde type of interplay is very confusing isn't it??!!

My mother's soft, gentle side also gave me hope and I felt if I could nurture

that side of her then she would get better- if I thanked her enough, appreciated

her enough, gave her enough cuddles etc. etc. It also caused me to doubt my

perceptions, each time she put her spin on an " incident " , where she was clearly,

unmistakeably CRAZY, I would start to think that I got it all wrong, that I

misunderstood and that she really had some kind of well-meaning intention. I

always felt like I was the only one who really understood her and the concept of

cutting her from my life didn't even enter my brain because I couldn't imagine

what would become of her without me!!

I don't think that it was any braver on my part going N.C while my daughter was

so young. There was a whole range of circumstances at play that caused me to cut

contact when I did. All I knew was that I couldn't allow the cycle to continue

and I had some clarity about my feelings for the first time. I felt fearful and

uncertain(with a little glimmer of emancipation that is growing all the time),

but with the help of this site and great support from family and friends managed

to forge a new path.

I think that keeping in touch for the sake of your child having a relationship

with their grandparent is very amiable and courageous!

I think when you have a child, it is very natural to want your mother around to

support you.

When I had my daughter, I knew that despite my mother's " good behaviour " towards

me, that she was having all sorts of conflict with others (an Aunt called the

police to have her removed from her house for instance) but she was really in

her role of nurturer and I really needed that at the time. I also kept thinking

how much it was helping her to be such an important part of mine and my

daughter's lives.

So I just pushed the reality aside and told myself that her relationships with

other's weren't my concern and I even clung onto the hope that she was getting

better.

In retrospect, I can really see how tense all of my interactions were with her

and that it really was all about her! For instance, she came over one day and

begged me to clean my shower, because it would " help her " , even though the

bathroom was next to my daughter's bedroom and would likely wake her up (not to

mention the underlying implication that my shower needed a good scrubbing!). Or

another time, she rushed in to pick up my daughter when she was crying and when

I tried to stop her because we were trying to encourage some self-settling due

to exhaustion from months of no sleep, she stormed out of the house and said

that she just needed a cuddle because she was having a hard day. Also, when I

was in hospital just after having my daughter, she came to visit and had

scratches all over her face. She made up a story about tripping over, but a

friend said she could smell alcohol on her and I found out later she had a major

drunken altercation with someone. So I know what you mean about them not really

providing the support that you need.

Anyway, as much pain as I have felt about it all, there really is a sense of

liberation in being able to have clarity about the reality of my situation and

be really in touch with my feelings and boundaries for the first time.

We do have a lot of blessings in our lives and I have been really trying to

focus on these to help me deal with the sadness that I have felt, especially

throughout Christmas time. It has helped me a lot to read about the ways in

which you are learning to appreciate and have gratitude for what you have.

Thank you and much peace and happiness to you!

Lynda x

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > I couldn't believe the nothingness I felt when our daughter

came in from the post with a card from Nada. She is 9 and opened it to find $30

in it. There was no mention of my husband or myself. I have been NC since Feb.

She sent a card to her for Easter as well this year.

> > > > > > > > > It felt good to feel so differently to her sending something

again.

> > > > > > > > > At Easter I pre-read the card and consulted my husband on what

we should do. Anxiety and sadness filled my bones.

> > > > > > > > > This time I let open the card and felt no anxiety or

attachment to it at all even as she read it out.

> > > > > > > > > The only thing I thought was of her being still the stubborn

old so and so that she is. She has dug her heals in and isn't going to admit she

has a problem and I have to accept her as she is or else I am wiped from the

land of the living.

> > > > > > > > > Denial denial denial. I am the bad daughter and the golden

child has fallen from grace.

> > > > > > > > > Feels so good to not care and want to give in to be back in

her life. I have moved on and it doesn't hurt anymore. The whole BPD thing

amazes me that Nada is willing to forgo her family members and live a

dysfunctional life and see no wrong in herself.

> > > > > > > > > She prpbably thinks I am suffering by her coldness. In the

past I would have given in to her and gone back with my tail between my legs

acepting her for what she is and does.

> > > > > > > > > I can't do it anymore and now that I am free of her I don't

miss her.

> > > > > > > > > I just feel freedom in not playing games and know that it was

so unhealthy for me.

> > > > > > > > > It is harder having her in my life than not having her. I

could fix the NC tomorrow if I wanted but hey I DON'T WANT TO.

> > > > > > > > > That would give her control back over me.

> > > > > > > > > I am free FINALLY................................

> > > > > > > > > Nice to see how far I have come. Especially when the same

situation was replayed throughout the year and I had a totally different

response. Time does heal.

> > > > > > > > > Kazam x

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Guest guest

Guest guest

Posted
Posted

Hi Lynda,

It seems we have waife mothers and in one way we are validated by each other. I

think every type of BPD mother would have their challenges. Just nice to share

with you the challenges of the waife's daughter. I too have stories of Nada's

out of control behaviour while growing up. Being bought home by police, finding

her naked in public places. Asleep in on hotel chairs and her many affairs.

Even with my male friends while growing up as a teenager.

I too always felt sorry for her after all these events for some reason after my

initial anger subsided. One event was always swept under the carpet until

another would surface.

Becoming a mother myself left me with no time to be Nada's mother and carer.

Before this I was leading an unhealthy life too for many years. Sometimes even

joining her in her escapades and wild ways. (Chummy Mummys.)

My relationship with her was very co-dependant and even as a young girl I

thought I would die if anything happened to her. I also feared what would

happen to her if I wasn't in her life. Funny though she has survived these last

10 months. I now know I was made to feel she couldn't live without me and I was

her whole life as her control over me.

If someone I loved that much told me to change my ways to continue to have a

relationship with them I would of honestly took a hard long look at myself.

That is why learning of BPD helped because it taught me they aren't rational and

denial is the biggest part of their illness.

There were also times when my daughter was aware that she too witnessed Nada at

her drunken best.

I am happy with my decision too. I took along time to get to where I am and I

am not going back. It does feel so much better as time has gone on.

I just try very hard not to dwell on things of the past. The future is bright

and happy. We are going into the city for New Year's Eve.

Just the 3 of us again. We spend so much time together as a family and we all

love it. I remember as a child all I wished for was a happy family of my own

one day. Guess what my wish came true.

Congratulations to you for also changing your blue print. It has been hard

work hey? Well worth it though.

Hope you have a great New Year. They just seem to get better and better.

Kazam x

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > > > I couldn't believe the nothingness I felt when our daughter

came in from the post with a card from Nada. She is 9 and opened it to find $30

in it. There was no mention of my husband or myself. I have been NC since Feb.

She sent a card to her for Easter as well this year.

> > > > > > > > > > It felt good to feel so differently to her sending something

again.

> > > > > > > > > > At Easter I pre-read the card and consulted my husband on

what we should do. Anxiety and sadness filled my bones.

> > > > > > > > > > This time I let open the card and felt no anxiety or

attachment to it at all even as she read it out.

> > > > > > > > > > The only thing I thought was of her being still the stubborn

old so and so that she is. She has dug her heals in and isn't going to admit she

has a problem and I have to accept her as she is or else I am wiped from the

land of the living.

> > > > > > > > > > Denial denial denial. I am the bad daughter and the golden

child has fallen from grace.

> > > > > > > > > > Feels so good to not care and want to give in to be back in

her life. I have moved on and it doesn't hurt anymore. The whole BPD thing

amazes me that Nada is willing to forgo her family members and live a

dysfunctional life and see no wrong in herself.

> > > > > > > > > > She prpbably thinks I am suffering by her coldness. In the

past I would have given in to her and gone back with my tail between my legs

acepting her for what she is and does.

> > > > > > > > > > I can't do it anymore and now that I am free of her I don't

miss her.

> > > > > > > > > > I just feel freedom in not playing games and know that it

was so unhealthy for me.

> > > > > > > > > > It is harder having her in my life than not having her. I

could fix the NC tomorrow if I wanted but hey I DON'T WANT TO.

> > > > > > > > > > That would give her control back over me.

> > > > > > > > > > I am free FINALLY................................

> > > > > > > > > > Nice to see how far I have come. Especially when the same

situation was replayed throughout the year and I had a totally different

response. Time does heal.

> > > > > > > > > > Kazam x

> > > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > > >

> > > > > > > >

> > > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
×
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...