Re: my mother...

[Guest guest]

HI Casey,

Welcome to the group.

Reading your post is like reading entries from my diary over the past 20 years.

My mother, especially in the past, was a very very intense person. Everything

was a drama, an emergency, a reason to panic. She is still like that, but now

that she's older, to a lesser degree. Now she is more fearful/phobic/anxious to

the point that it drives anyone near her away from her.

You said, " i sometimes do have really good times with my mother. but the bad

times are so bad that they truly overpower my relationship. " Yes, that's my

relationship with her as well. I've come to the point now where, for instance,

on Sunday I had a really, REALLY nice visit with her. In the past, I would have

started to fantasize that this meant things were getting better, and that she

and I were good friends. Then she'd go back to her " normal. " So even though

Sunday was great, I just enjoyed it for what it was, knowing it didn't mean

anything at all. It was just a good day for her.

Sigh, you're recently married. I sigh because that was when my mother became

witchy. Leaving home was a no/no. At my wedding, she sat behind me and during

the ceremony asked, " when will this be over? " Years later, I wondered if she

meant my marriage, not the ceremony. (Either way, what a rude thing to ask me;

but that's nadas for you!) Please don't take this as me telling you what to

do. I don't even know you! Just my two cents: please cherish your

marriage, put your husband first. I'm sure you already do that. I didn't. I let

my mother speak into and influence my marriage. I really resent her and myself

for allowing that to happen. I have a lot to make up to my husband. He's been

great with her wackiness.

I have contact with my mother, very low. She used to call me 5-7 times a day.

I've got her down to once a day, for about a 20 second conversation, and that's

too often for me. Am working on that. I also visit her once a week with my

kids, about a 1 1/2 to 2 hour visit.

You asked for pointers/advice. From my experience with my mother, the greatest

advice is setting boundaries (Read " Boundaries " by Henry Cloud/ Townsend;

very good book). my mother knows now that certain topics are hands-off and that

she will not hear from me for weeks if she brings them up or tries to push

herself on me.

Again, welcome! I hope you find kindred spirits here and great support.

Fiona

>

> i am a newbie to this site, and have only recently found my mother to have

bpd. i have recently starting reading about it, and going to therapy to learn

how to deal with her. I desperately want to have a relationship with her, and I

had always been hoping that someday i'd see a change in her. I guess i

delusionally thought one day she'd wake up and be normal. i'm now coming to the

realization that that is never going to happen...

> the thing is i sometimes do have really good times with my mother. but the

bad times are so bad that they truly overpower my relationship. I am recently

married, and have been dealing with trying to introduce my husband to this

world. it has been a challenge to say the least. and the drastic changes in my

life have been echoed by an increased frequency and intensity of my mothers

outbursts.

> in reading a great deal of material recently, i have seen very few people who

still have any kind of working relationship with their bpd mother. anyone out

there who has or who might be able to provide me with some pointers?

> THANKS!

>