Hello, thank you and Merry Christmas!

[Guest guest]

Hello there all! It has been awhile since I have perused these pages and it is

really hard to catch up on threads after so long away. I just wanted to say a

general hello and I hope everyone is well, despite the festive season looming.I

can imagine Nada's and Fada's head's spinning everywhere with a million

triggers, such as any significant event on the calendar might inspire.

I also really wanted to thank you all for your amazing support this past year.

It has really helped me through some tough times and I can't tell you how much

it has meant to me!

I haven't had contact with my mother for about three months now. It has been a

really difficult journey, but in some ways it is getting easier.

Even though I feel utterly devastated and emotionally drained at times when I

think about it all, I am really happy that I am operating out of a place of

honesty for the first time in my life. It is quite a liberating feeling to not

be lost in the haze of it all, making excuses for her, believing her spin on

things, doubting myself, protecting her and waiting for the next explosion.

Of course I still have my moments of self doubt- could I have handled things

better? Did I put expectations on her that I knew she couldn't fulfil? etc. -

and I feel sad for her, especially when I hear reports through family members of

her getting skinnier (yes she's the waif). And of course it is difficult this

time of year with all of the moralistic Christmas sentiment floating around

highlighting the importance of family, sparing a thought for the meek and

practising compassion and forgiveness(Jesus, you were a better person than I !.

I am also terrified that she might turn up at my house on Christmas day as she

only lives 5 minutes away and that is in the back of my mind.

I am also finding it a bit hard because my Dad who has been fighting cancer for

the past year and a half has been really sick and things are feeling really

uncertain for him. It is just so hard because he is only 51 and has been

fighting so hard to beat it and it is really wearing him down now. It is

frightening because no one knows for sure how long he might have and of course

there is always the possibility that he might start pick up again, so I don't

want to give up hope, but at the same time I feel I need to prepare myself for

the possibility of him passing. I know it is very selfish because I can't begin

to understand what he might be going through, but I have been trying to come to

terms with the idea of losing both of my parents in such a short period of

time(with my mother I guess I have been grieving in a sense for years anyway).

So that feels hard and I do feel a bit sorry for myself at times! But I am

trying to count my blessings as I know that there are plenty of people with so

much more to deal with than me.

It's my little girl's first Christmas this year, so I'm trying really hard to

focus on making it a really special day for her. We even got a real Christmas

tree for the first time to make it extra special and to start our own family

tradition.

Well, may you all have a wonderful, peaceful Christmas and if that's not

possible, may the day be over hastily and may Christmas punch be plentiful, just

to take the edge of a little!

With warmth,

Lynda xxx