Re: What do you think? Doug, Fiona, hermit BPD mothers?

December 18, 2010

I think you've realized what the issue is, that you will continue to be hurt by

your nada if you continue to have unrealistic expectations of her.

Her mental illness makes her so totally self-absorbed that she really just

doesn't care much about other people. In my opinion (as an amateur, armchair or

hobbyist psychologist) is that this is probably due to narcissistic traits.

Narcissist nadas are only interested in other people when and if the other is

stroking her ego: praising her, thanking her, flattering her, etc.

Its not very likely that nada will change, but you can probably save yourself

some grief if you drop your expectations even lower.

Her lack of interest and lack of emotional support have nothing to do with you

or your family and how *worthy* of attention and validation you truly are, its

that the caring, emotionally-bonded aspects of your mother's brain are missing

or damaged, in a manner of speaking.

I am currently in No Contact with my nada, but I had an unavoidable visit with

her this last Summer for a few days. I coached myself ahead of time to expect

verbal abuse or histrionic acting-out by nada, and so when she did indeed

indulge herself in some whining and stealth insults, I was (A) not surprised and

( not nearly as hurt as I would have been had I gone with hope of some kind of

miraculous change. (It also helped that I was semi-dissociated the whole time,

as though I was playing a part in a play, to distance myself from taking

anything nada might say or do personally.)

So, my recommendation is to lower your expectations of normal, rational, loving

behaviors from your nada down to near zero, then you won't be as disappointed,

and like you're banging your head repeatedly against a brick wall of

frustration.

-Annie

>

> I have let go of the mother thing,ï¿½I think for me. But I keep trying to

force my nada to be a grandmother for my kids. And I keep getting hurt by it. I

sent a link to my nada that had my son in a video for a school project. Several

young adults were interviewed in it. My son was toward the end. My nada finally

sat down and watched the entire video. That was a struggle in and of itself. She

won't even watch an entire ballet video that has my daughter in it. We have to

fast forward it for her. Anyway, she watches it and because my son let his hair

grow out, she calls and says she didn't recognize him. She thought is sounded

like him but he just sounded so mature and intellectual that she didnt think it

was him. This is the only grandparent that they have any contact with and she

last saw him 4 months ago. But she laughs and says she doesn't recognize him. It

hurt because it illustrates the lack of connection and real relationship so

pointedly. So I stew

> about it and then the next day call her and tell her that it hurt me. Of

course, I have to get outside validation that it is hurtful. Her first words

were " oh no not again and why can't you just call up and talk about something

normal? " I held firm and stated that it hurt me. She then launched into the " I

can't say anything right and I am sorry. " But it is not sincere. Then she began

to attack me saying that it was just me that took it wrong....but i suggested

that she ask someone else because i did. then she said to stop attacking her and

making her feel bad.....i don't know how many times i need to realize that it

was ALWAYS been about her and how SHE feels. Never ever me. For 48 years it has

beeen this way. She can say whatever she wants. And I have to take it. I watched

my grandnada verbally abuse her this way. Even as a teenager I stood up to my

grandnada for my nada. My nada is a hermit. She won't stand up to strangers when

taken advantage or if

> the situation calls for it. It is SO important what total strangers think. So

then the family rule is to take out all the repressed anger on the female child.

She wouldn't think of doing it to my BADA although if he blames her for

something, she has lashed out at him in recent years.

> A friend said his grandmother didn't recognize him when he grew a beard but

his grandmother had dementia. Mine doesn't. She just has BPD. Just wanted to

vent and perhaps received some words of wisdom from you guys. Thanks.

>

> Felicia Ward

> Remember that people often have different perceptions of the same reality. You

can both be right, and no one has to be wrong, if each of you is willing to let

the other person have his or her perceptions and if both of you are willing to

compromise.ï¿½

>

December 18, 2010

Hi there, hope I'm not intruding here; I'm new and " lurking " about, reading here

and there and learning so much from all of you. I just had this discussion

yesterday with my therapist--he said that I actually have to reduce expectations

of my nada down to less than zero--be surprised and/or pleased when she DOESN'T

hurt me, essentially. I have kids too, so I get the whole grand nada thing--mine

are only 4 and 16 months old and so I'm glad I've figured out that nada has BPD

early in their lives so I can stand between her and them and keep her from

hurting them.

I am constantly struck at how intelligent and insightful all of you are. None of

us deserve to be dealing with this but we should be so proud of our successes in

this struggle.

Heidi

December 20, 2010

[she won't stand up to strangers when taken advantage or if

the situation calls for it. It is SO important what total strangers think.]

Hi Felicia,

I'm so sorry you're hurting.

Yes, I do relate to what you're saying. My mother has never gone to see my kids

in a school play, dance recital, t-ball game. Miraculously, she came recently

to my little one's kindergarten graduation and that was a huge step for her.

I no longer expect interaction of this kind from her with my kids. In fact, I

don't want it. I fear it. Although I do know what you mean about her being

your kids' only living grandparent. My mother is that, as well and recently when

my youngest wanted to call her all the time on the phone, I felt that pull of

" well, she IS her only grandparent. " But unfortunately, it means just misery

for me.

When you said it's all about what total strangers think with your mother, YES,

mine too. It's infuriating. Like if we're out in public together and I laugh

(in her opinion) too loudly, she'll look around and say, " Fiona, control

yourself!! " Others might be outraged!! I hate being out with her. She can't

relax.

She has a disability beyond my reach. I'm too tired to try anymore to make up

for all she's missed with my kids, you know? My older daughter doesn't even

expect her grandmother to make an appearance at her events or to even ask how

they went. It's very sad.

>

> I have let go of the mother thing, I think for me. But I keep trying to force

my nada to be a grandmother for my kids. And I keep getting hurt by it. I sent a

link to my nada that had my son in a video for a school project. Several young

adults were interviewed in it. My son was toward the end. My nada finally sat

down and watched the entire video. That was a struggle in and of itself. She