Re: What do you think? Doug, Fiona, hermit BPD mothers?

[Guest guest]

>

> I have let go of the mother thing, I think for me. But I keep trying

to force my nada to be a grandmother for my kids. And I keep getting

hurt by it.

Felicia, dear, you are indulging in our easiest addiction: magical

thinking. Somehow, if I ask right, plead enough, give enough, show her

just the right video, she ll suddenly stop being what she has always

been, and be a normal mother/grandmother/wife/aunt/friend you name it.

It is a tempting and alluring fantasy

But think of Mickey Mouse in The Sorcerer s Apprentice. Just a little

magic, and we ll clean this mess right up. But the magic got out of

control with the mess and soon everything was worse. Not that you are

a mouse or a sorceress, , but you see the point. It won t work.

But she laughs and says she doesn't recognize him. It hurt because it

illustrates the lack of connection and real relationship so pointedly.

So I stew about it and then the next day call her and tell her that it

hurt me.

Of course it hurts. It does, and I m so sorry that is how things are.

But you did not have a normal , emotionally healthy mother. And so your

children are not going to have a normal , emotionally healthy

grandmother. She is not going to meet your expectations. As long as

you continue to fantasize about them, she will hurt you. You can choose

whatever small relationship she can and will have with the kids, or none

at all. Trust me, if they have not already, the kids will figure it

out. We don t matter to her, so she doesnt matter to us. We are not

going to let her hurt us.

Of course, I have to get outside validation that it is hurtful.

Says who? No, you do not. That is FOG talking. If it hurts, it

frigging hurts. No one has to validate for you that a neglect of your

kids hurt you. But if someone does, then allow me to retort. The

selfish , narcissistic, self centered bitch ignores your kids, her

grandkids, and it hurts you like hell.

Feel better?

She then launched into the " I can't say anything right and I am sorry. "

But it is not sincere.

Of course it is not sincere. Mom, you did XYZ and it hurt me. I m a

terrible mother, I know I can t do anything right. I m sorry I was ever

born. I d be better off dead. And at some point here you are supposed

to talk her out of the notion that she is awful. And in the process,

forget that she did XYZ. It is a BP game. Don t play.

But don t expect her to ever acknowledge what she did.

ALWAYS been about her and how SHE feels. Never ever me. For 48 years it

has beeen this way. She can say whatever she wants. And I have to take

it.

Yes, it is all about her, in her warped emotional framework. She Will

say whatever she wants, and let the devil take the hindmost. But, no,

you do NOT have to take it. FOG tells you that you have to take it, but

the truth is, you don t have to. You always have. But YOU can change.

Nada wont. But you can.