Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 That is an awesome dream! I love it! (Its very creative) I remember the first time I had a dream in which I actually *yelled* at my nada and told her exactly how awful she is; that felt so good. That *is* a big breakthrough when in our dreams we are able to take a stand and " out " the abuse we endured. Isn't it amazing that even our subconscious is so thoroughly trained to remain subservient and loyal to nada , that it takes decades for us to gather the courage to claim some of our rightful adult power *even in our dreams* !? This is another indicator to me of how crucial the job of mothehood actually is, because *even abysmal care is rewarded with extreme loyalty long past the age at which a matured offspring can live independently.* We as a group demonstrate this willingness to submit to decades of abuse by our mothers just on the sheer hope that maybe sometimes she will be kind to us. We spend decades of our lives attached to someone who inflicts pain, fear, shame, depression, or holds us in a kind of thrall/limbo state, because this particular someone fed us when we were babies. I think that's part of why its so profoundly difficult for us, this ability to be objective about our mothers because loyalty to the mother (even if she's tried to beat us to death) is hardwired into us at a very primitive level of our brain. Coming to the conclusion that " I *need* to emotionally detach from my mother for the sake of my own mental or physical health " is as difficult as saying, " I need to cut off my own arm because it is gangrenous and the infection will kill me if I don't. " We as a society and culture cut children a break when its their father who has sexually abused them, we don't say to the incest victim " But you ought to forgive him and care for him and spend time with him, he's your Fa-a-a-a-ther. " But there isn't even an equivalent term for the devastation of emotional abuse. " Soul rape, " perhaps, or " emotional vampirism " ; breaking your child's will and creating a kind of zombie-slave out of your child. No, instead, the victims of maternal emotional abuse get told, " But you ought to forgive her and care for her and spend time with her, she's your MOTH-errrr. " -Annie > > So I had a recurring dream for years that I was trapped in my parents house. > > Then I started therapy and I decided to change the dream. > > Last night, after my therapy session, I had a very different dream. I heard > from my FOO. My nada had been deamed dangerous and was put in a residential > facility. She set fire to her room at the facillity. In he dream I laughed > and said I told you so. I felt vindicated because others could see her > acting out, she wasn't concealing it and just directing it at me when no one > could see. > > I also learned that my father had finally divorced her and was about to > marry a nice woman. So he was finally safe. > > Wow. What a great dream. Progress > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 What a great dream! And what a great analogy and thoughts Annie! > > > > So I had a recurring dream for years that I was trapped in my parents house. > > > > Then I started therapy and I decided to change the dream. > > > > Last night, after my therapy session, I had a very different dream. I heard > > from my FOO. My nada had been deamed dangerous and was put in a residential > > facility. She set fire to her room at the facillity. In he dream I laughed > > and said I told you so. I felt vindicated because others could see her > > acting out, she wasn't concealing it and just directing it at me when no one > > could see. > > > > I also learned that my father had finally divorced her and was about to > > marry a nice woman. So he was finally safe. > > > > Wow. What a great dream. Progress > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 I breathed a sigh of relief just reading this. Great dream, GC. > > So I had a recurring dream for years that I was trapped in my parents house. > > Then I started therapy and I decided to change the dream. > > Last night, after my therapy session, I had a very different dream. I heard > from my FOO. My nada had been deamed dangerous and was put in a residential > facility. She set fire to her room at the facillity. In he dream I laughed > and said I told you so. I felt vindicated because others could see her > acting out, she wasn't concealing it and just directing it at me when no one > could see. > > I also learned that my father had finally divorced her and was about to > marry a nice woman. So he was finally safe. > > Wow. What a great dream. Progress > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 I have been noticing this about being a parent lately. My little boy is in his crib until I get my lazy butt out of bed and save him. Then I can see a little example of " trauma bonding " because he's so glad to see me when I finally get in there. Of course, I'm a guilt-ridden KO and feel like a bad mother if I go to the bathroom before I go get him up. I have been sick this week and slept in a little. I hear him on the monitor and get him when he's up - letting us both get a little more rest. Anyway, I have just been realizing how dependent he is on me for everything - from basic needs and care to the way I teach him to think about things. He only gets the food I offer him, whether healthy or not. And his attitude and feelings about life are determined by me. If I act like the dog is nice and pet it, he likes the dog. If I say, bad dog because he steals food from the trash, my son points at him and says, " bad dog! " in this angry voice. My role as a parent is highlighting for me how VERY DEPENDENT we were on our nadas/fadas/foo. God help us, we were raised by crazy people! It's like if society decided to take the children in orphanages and let the patients in the psych ward raise them. There, that takes care of 2 problems at once... +Coal Miner's Daughter >> > This is another indicator to me of how crucial the job of mothehood actually is, because *even abysmal care is rewarded with extreme loyalty long past the age at which a matured offspring can live independently.* > > > > > -Annie > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 I have been noticing this about being a parent lately. My little boy is in his crib until I get my lazy butt out of bed and save him. Then I can see a little example of " trauma bonding " because he's so glad to see me when I finally get in there. Of course, I'm a guilt-ridden KO and feel like a bad mother if I go to the bathroom before I go get him up. I have been sick this week and slept in a little. I hear him on the monitor and get him when he's up - letting us both get a little more rest. Anyway, I have just been realizing how dependent he is on me for everything - from basic needs and care to the way I teach him to think about things. He only gets the food I offer him, whether healthy or not. And his attitude and feelings about life are determined by me. If I act like the dog is nice and pet it, he likes the dog. If I say, bad dog because he steals food from the trash, my son points at him and says, " bad dog! " in this angry voice. My role as a parent is highlighting for me how VERY DEPENDENT we were on our nadas/fadas/foo. God help us, we were raised by crazy people! It's like if society decided to take the children in orphanages and let the patients in the psych ward raise them. There, that takes care of 2 problems at once... +Coal Miner's Daughter >> > This is another indicator to me of how crucial the job of mothehood actually is, because *even abysmal care is rewarded with extreme loyalty long past the age at which a matured offspring can live independently.* > > > > > -Annie > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 This entire post should be published. Sheer genius! Especially the part where you make the comparison with an incestrous faaaaather. Perfectly explained. An arm with gangrene? Perfect analogy. +Coal Miner's Daughter > > That is an awesome dream! I love it! (Its very creative) I remember the first time I had a dream in which I actually *yelled* at my nada and told her exactly how awful she is; that felt so good. > > That *is* a big breakthrough when in our dreams we are able to take a stand and " out " the abuse we endured. > > Isn't it amazing that even our subconscious is so thoroughly trained to remain subservient and loyal to nada , that it takes decades for us to gather the courage to claim some of our rightful adult power *even in our dreams* !? > > This is another indicator to me of how crucial the job of mothehood actually is, because *even abysmal care is rewarded with extreme loyalty long past the age at which a matured offspring can live independently.* > > We as a group demonstrate this willingness to submit to decades of abuse by our mothers just on the sheer hope that maybe sometimes she will be kind to us. We spend decades of our lives attached to someone who inflicts pain, fear, shame, depression, or holds us in a kind of thrall/limbo state, because this particular someone fed us when we were babies. > > I think that's part of why its so profoundly difficult for us, this ability to be objective about our mothers because loyalty to the mother (even if she's tried to beat us to death) is hardwired into us at a very primitive level of our brain. Coming to the conclusion that " I *need* to emotionally detach from my mother for the sake of my own mental or physical health " is as difficult as saying, " I need to cut off my own arm because it is gangrenous and the infection will kill me if I don't. " > > We as a society and culture cut children a break when its their father who has sexually abused them, we don't say to the incest victim " But you ought to forgive him and care for him and spend time with him, he's your Fa-a-a-a-ther. " > > But there isn't even an equivalent term for the devastation of emotional abuse. " Soul rape, " perhaps, or " emotional vampirism " ; breaking your child's will and creating a kind of zombie-slave out of your child. No, instead, the victims of maternal emotional abuse get told, " But you ought to forgive her and care for her and spend time with her, she's your MOTH-errrr. " > > -Annie > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 This entire post should be published. Sheer genius! Especially the part where you make the comparison with an incestrous faaaaather. Perfectly explained. An arm with gangrene? Perfect analogy. +Coal Miner's Daughter > > That is an awesome dream! I love it! (Its very creative) I remember the first time I had a dream in which I actually *yelled* at my nada and told her exactly how awful she is; that felt so good. > > That *is* a big breakthrough when in our dreams we are able to take a stand and " out " the abuse we endured. > > Isn't it amazing that even our subconscious is so thoroughly trained to remain subservient and loyal to nada , that it takes decades for us to gather the courage to claim some of our rightful adult power *even in our dreams* !? > > This is another indicator to me of how crucial the job of mothehood actually is, because *even abysmal care is rewarded with extreme loyalty long past the age at which a matured offspring can live independently.* > > We as a group demonstrate this willingness to submit to decades of abuse by our mothers just on the sheer hope that maybe sometimes she will be kind to us. We spend decades of our lives attached to someone who inflicts pain, fear, shame, depression, or holds us in a kind of thrall/limbo state, because this particular someone fed us when we were babies. > > I think that's part of why its so profoundly difficult for us, this ability to be objective about our mothers because loyalty to the mother (even if she's tried to beat us to death) is hardwired into us at a very primitive level of our brain. Coming to the conclusion that " I *need* to emotionally detach from my mother for the sake of my own mental or physical health " is as difficult as saying, " I need to cut off my own arm because it is gangrenous and the infection will kill me if I don't. " > > We as a society and culture cut children a break when its their father who has sexually abused them, we don't say to the incest victim " But you ought to forgive him and care for him and spend time with him, he's your Fa-a-a-a-ther. " > > But there isn't even an equivalent term for the devastation of emotional abuse. " Soul rape, " perhaps, or " emotional vampirism " ; breaking your child's will and creating a kind of zombie-slave out of your child. No, instead, the victims of maternal emotional abuse get told, " But you ought to forgive her and care for her and spend time with her, she's your MOTH-errrr. " > > -Annie > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 This entire post should be published. Sheer genius! Especially the part where you make the comparison with an incestrous faaaaather. Perfectly explained. An arm with gangrene? Perfect analogy. +Coal Miner's Daughter > > That is an awesome dream! I love it! (Its very creative) I remember the first time I had a dream in which I actually *yelled* at my nada and told her exactly how awful she is; that felt so good. > > That *is* a big breakthrough when in our dreams we are able to take a stand and " out " the abuse we endured. > > Isn't it amazing that even our subconscious is so thoroughly trained to remain subservient and loyal to nada , that it takes decades for us to gather the courage to claim some of our rightful adult power *even in our dreams* !? > > This is another indicator to me of how crucial the job of mothehood actually is, because *even abysmal care is rewarded with extreme loyalty long past the age at which a matured offspring can live independently.* > > We as a group demonstrate this willingness to submit to decades of abuse by our mothers just on the sheer hope that maybe sometimes she will be kind to us. We spend decades of our lives attached to someone who inflicts pain, fear, shame, depression, or holds us in a kind of thrall/limbo state, because this particular someone fed us when we were babies. > > I think that's part of why its so profoundly difficult for us, this ability to be objective about our mothers because loyalty to the mother (even if she's tried to beat us to death) is hardwired into us at a very primitive level of our brain. Coming to the conclusion that " I *need* to emotionally detach from my mother for the sake of my own mental or physical health " is as difficult as saying, " I need to cut off my own arm because it is gangrenous and the infection will kill me if I don't. " > > We as a society and culture cut children a break when its their father who has sexually abused them, we don't say to the incest victim " But you ought to forgive him and care for him and spend time with him, he's your Fa-a-a-a-ther. " > > But there isn't even an equivalent term for the devastation of emotional abuse. " Soul rape, " perhaps, or " emotional vampirism " ; breaking your child's will and creating a kind of zombie-slave out of your child. No, instead, the victims of maternal emotional abuse get told, " But you ought to forgive her and care for her and spend time with her, she's your MOTH-errrr. " > > -Annie > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 Hi all, I dreamed last night that I had decided to let ants run around in my new house as entertainment for my children - kind of like little pets. Nada stood by smiling and nodding. One of the ants morphed into a slug and then a large beetle. My husband sprayed it with bug spray and some got on the little ants. I cried out, " No, don't kill the little ones. " Nada agreed wholeheartedly. Then I suddenly realized my house was crawling with ants! I told my husband we would have to exterminate them all to make the house safe and healthy for the children. He agreed and began spraying them all over the walls. I'm assuming the ants represent Fleas? +Coal Miner's Daughter p.s. My goal is to get to the point where I can be the one taking action in the dream instead of my husband being my rescuer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 Hi all, I dreamed last night that I had decided to let ants run around in my new house as entertainment for my children - kind of like little pets. Nada stood by smiling and nodding. One of the ants morphed into a slug and then a large beetle. My husband sprayed it with bug spray and some got on the little ants. I cried out, " No, don't kill the little ones. " Nada agreed wholeheartedly. Then I suddenly realized my house was crawling with ants! I told my husband we would have to exterminate them all to make the house safe and healthy for the children. He agreed and began spraying them all over the walls. I'm assuming the ants represent Fleas? +Coal Miner's Daughter p.s. My goal is to get to the point where I can be the one taking action in the dream instead of my husband being my rescuer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 Hi all, I dreamed last night that I had decided to let ants run around in my new house as entertainment for my children - kind of like little pets. Nada stood by smiling and nodding. One of the ants morphed into a slug and then a large beetle. My husband sprayed it with bug spray and some got on the little ants. I cried out, " No, don't kill the little ones. " Nada agreed wholeheartedly. Then I suddenly realized my house was crawling with ants! I told my husband we would have to exterminate them all to make the house safe and healthy for the children. He agreed and began spraying them all over the walls. I'm assuming the ants represent Fleas? +Coal Miner's Daughter p.s. My goal is to get to the point where I can be the one taking action in the dream instead of my husband being my rescuer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 Wow - thanks guys. I just think its so cool that we set goals for our dreams! Only a very driven and motivated person would do that. On Wed, Dec 15, 2010 at 10:36 AM, coalminersdotter < coalminersdotter@...> wrote: > > > Hi all, > > I dreamed last night that I had decided to let ants run around in my new > house as entertainment for my children - kind of like little pets. Nada > stood by smiling and nodding. > > One of the ants morphed into a slug and then a large beetle. My husband > sprayed it with bug spray and some got on the little ants. I cried out, " No, > don't kill the little ones. " Nada agreed wholeheartedly. > > Then I suddenly realized my house was crawling with ants! I told my husband > we would have to exterminate them all to make the house safe and healthy for > the children. He agreed and began spraying them all over the walls. > > I'm assuming the ants represent Fleas? > > +Coal Miner's Daughter > p.s. My goal is to get to the point where I can be the one taking action in > the dream instead of my husband being my rescuer. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 15, 2010 Report Share Posted December 15, 2010 Wow - thanks guys. I just think its so cool that we set goals for our dreams! Only a very driven and motivated person would do that. On Wed, Dec 15, 2010 at 10:36 AM, coalminersdotter < coalminersdotter@...> wrote: > > > Hi all, > > I dreamed last night that I had decided to let ants run around in my new > house as entertainment for my children - kind of like little pets. Nada > stood by smiling and nodding. > > One of the ants morphed into a slug and then a large beetle. My husband > sprayed it with bug spray and some got on the little ants. I cried out, " No, > don't kill the little ones. " Nada agreed wholeheartedly. > > Then I suddenly realized my house was crawling with ants! I told my husband > we would have to exterminate them all to make the house safe and healthy for > the children. He agreed and began spraying them all over the walls. > > I'm assuming the ants represent Fleas? > > +Coal Miner's Daughter > p.s. My goal is to get to the point where I can be the one taking action in > the dream instead of my husband being my rescuer. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 18, 2010 Report Share Posted December 18, 2010 When i read your description i get a vivid image of you digging. It seems to be it represents your current efforts in trying to deal with this issue, the level of effort you describe, and focused on the task of searching. And gravestones and cementaries, they also represent our roots, our ancestors, our family history... Just guessing here. But my general take on my own dreams is that they graphically and metaphorically describe what's going on with me currently, they can provide insight. But in general since you're doing this work you already know what your issues are, and they just provide a good jumping off point for discussing with Therapists or whoever.. I had a recurring dream/nightmare, which over the years morphed and changed, slowly got less and less scary, until finally last year it was actually a surprise happy ending! I ran into my therapists office smiling and proud. It was like proof that i was getting better. Terri > > I had a really horrible vivid dream last night. I think that it might > help me to post it. I hope this is okay. > > In the dream - I am very focused on the ground. I am standing in what > appears to be a hole and I have a shovel in my hands. I am digging > and throwing the dirt over my head behind me. I can only see the dirt > in front of me. It is extremely hard and I'm having to use my weight > to get down into it and pull the shovel back up. In the dream I am so > focused that I can smell the dirt in the air. I can feel it on my > face and arms. I have this strong feeling like I'm searching or > looking for something. I hit something and I look up. I realize I'm > in a cemetary surrounded by tombstones. > > I woke up gasping for air and then started crying. When I talked this > over with my husband he asked what I thought it meant. I think I was > looking for my mother, I was looking for something that I wanted so > very badly. My arms and legs were aching in the dream as I kept > digging. I think I was realizing that my real dream was never going > to come true. That I was never going to have my mother. He said he > thought it was that I was holding on to her and not able to let it > all go even though I knew it (I think he meant the relationship)was > dead. He seemed surprised that I was looking for something, and > commented that he never thought of it that way. I've never had a > dream similar to this that I am aware of. > > I know that the fog is great these days. I know that the only way > that I am safe is to not be around her. And I'm not really sure that > that is safe either. I do think it is better for me though. She left > a message yesterday after five hangup calls in the day previous > asking me to call her. I have not listened to the message. I just can > not right now. When I was told that she called and left the message I > found myself in such terror. I felt like that little girl that I used > to be and quickly found myself running for the bathroom. I am so > relieved to have been able to read that other people have the same > reaction to the fear that I have. It has helped me so much to not > feel so darned alone. I am hurt that through all of this my father > has once again not come to my aid. I am stronger today than I was > yesterday, and tomorrow is going to be better. one step at a time. > > Has anyone else had a similar dream? What do you think it represented? > > Sara > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 18, 2010 Report Share Posted December 18, 2010 When i read your description i get a vivid image of you digging. It seems to be it represents your current efforts in trying to deal with this issue, the level of effort you describe, and focused on the task of searching. And gravestones and cementaries, they also represent our roots, our ancestors, our family history... Just guessing here. But my general take on my own dreams is that they graphically and metaphorically describe what's going on with me currently, they can provide insight. But in general since you're doing this work you already know what your issues are, and they just provide a good jumping off point for discussing with Therapists or whoever.. I had a recurring dream/nightmare, which over the years morphed and changed, slowly got less and less scary, until finally last year it was actually a surprise happy ending! I ran into my therapists office smiling and proud. It was like proof that i was getting better. Terri > > I had a really horrible vivid dream last night. I think that it might > help me to post it. I hope this is okay. > > In the dream - I am very focused on the ground. I am standing in what > appears to be a hole and I have a shovel in my hands. I am digging > and throwing the dirt over my head behind me. I can only see the dirt > in front of me. It is extremely hard and I'm having to use my weight > to get down into it and pull the shovel back up. In the dream I am so > focused that I can smell the dirt in the air. I can feel it on my > face and arms. I have this strong feeling like I'm searching or > looking for something. I hit something and I look up. I realize I'm > in a cemetary surrounded by tombstones. > > I woke up gasping for air and then started crying. When I talked this > over with my husband he asked what I thought it meant. I think I was > looking for my mother, I was looking for something that I wanted so > very badly. My arms and legs were aching in the dream as I kept > digging. I think I was realizing that my real dream was never going > to come true. That I was never going to have my mother. He said he > thought it was that I was holding on to her and not able to let it > all go even though I knew it (I think he meant the relationship)was > dead. He seemed surprised that I was looking for something, and > commented that he never thought of it that way. I've never had a > dream similar to this that I am aware of. > > I know that the fog is great these days. I know that the only way > that I am safe is to not be around her. And I'm not really sure that > that is safe either. I do think it is better for me though. She left > a message yesterday after five hangup calls in the day previous > asking me to call her. I have not listened to the message. I just can > not right now. When I was told that she called and left the message I > found myself in such terror. I felt like that little girl that I used > to be and quickly found myself running for the bathroom. I am so > relieved to have been able to read that other people have the same > reaction to the fear that I have. It has helped me so much to not > feel so darned alone. I am hurt that through all of this my father > has once again not come to my aid. I am stronger today than I was > yesterday, and tomorrow is going to be better. one step at a time. > > Has anyone else had a similar dream? What do you think it represented? > > Sara > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 18, 2010 Report Share Posted December 18, 2010 When i read your description i get a vivid image of you digging. It seems to be it represents your current efforts in trying to deal with this issue, the level of effort you describe, and focused on the task of searching. And gravestones and cementaries, they also represent our roots, our ancestors, our family history... Just guessing here. But my general take on my own dreams is that they graphically and metaphorically describe what's going on with me currently, they can provide insight. But in general since you're doing this work you already know what your issues are, and they just provide a good jumping off point for discussing with Therapists or whoever.. I had a recurring dream/nightmare, which over the years morphed and changed, slowly got less and less scary, until finally last year it was actually a surprise happy ending! I ran into my therapists office smiling and proud. It was like proof that i was getting better. Terri > > I had a really horrible vivid dream last night. I think that it might > help me to post it. I hope this is okay. > > In the dream - I am very focused on the ground. I am standing in what > appears to be a hole and I have a shovel in my hands. I am digging > and throwing the dirt over my head behind me. I can only see the dirt > in front of me. It is extremely hard and I'm having to use my weight > to get down into it and pull the shovel back up. In the dream I am so > focused that I can smell the dirt in the air. I can feel it on my > face and arms. I have this strong feeling like I'm searching or > looking for something. I hit something and I look up. I realize I'm > in a cemetary surrounded by tombstones. > > I woke up gasping for air and then started crying. When I talked this > over with my husband he asked what I thought it meant. I think I was > looking for my mother, I was looking for something that I wanted so > very badly. My arms and legs were aching in the dream as I kept > digging. I think I was realizing that my real dream was never going > to come true. That I was never going to have my mother. He said he > thought it was that I was holding on to her and not able to let it > all go even though I knew it (I think he meant the relationship)was > dead. He seemed surprised that I was looking for something, and > commented that he never thought of it that way. I've never had a > dream similar to this that I am aware of. > > I know that the fog is great these days. I know that the only way > that I am safe is to not be around her. And I'm not really sure that > that is safe either. I do think it is better for me though. She left > a message yesterday after five hangup calls in the day previous > asking me to call her. I have not listened to the message. I just can > not right now. When I was told that she called and left the message I > found myself in such terror. I felt like that little girl that I used > to be and quickly found myself running for the bathroom. I am so > relieved to have been able to read that other people have the same > reaction to the fear that I have. It has helped me so much to not > feel so darned alone. I am hurt that through all of this my father > has once again not come to my aid. I am stronger today than I was > yesterday, and tomorrow is going to be better. one step at a time. > > Has anyone else had a similar dream? What do you think it represented? > > Sara > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 18, 2010 Report Share Posted December 18, 2010 Sara, I was so interested to read your dream because I had one that was nada-related the other night, too. I just figured out mom has BPD about 8 weeks ago--it's a relief and a terror and I've been reading books and recognizing myself in you all--the learning curve is so huge and so FAST! So I've felt more than a little wrapped up in BPD lately, and here is my dream: I'm in the house I grew up in, in my bedroom, looking at a rack of clothing in my closet. The clothes aren't mine, but they're beautiful and sequined and they look like " Mother of the Bride " dresses--peachy and pink and long and dressy. I turn away from them for a second, and when I turn back, they're all gone. Suddenly, I am lifted up off my feet as if by an unseen force and hurtled against the wall. I slide to the floor. The force lifts me again and throws me out in the hallway. It lifts me again and moves me towards the stairwell, trying to toss me down the stairs. I am slamming into walls and, I distinctly remember, pulling framed family photos off the walls as I try to stop from being thrown. I literally feel like this thing is going to kill me. Then I woke up, very frightened. My unconscious tends to be pretty clear in its messages, and so I'm interpreting this one pretty literally: The " mother's clothing, " the ideal, pretty, garments that hung so nicely in the closet--(note: skeletons in the closet?) have disappeared. Instead of just suspecting that my nada is crazy, I now know it's true. The unseen force threatening to kill me is: BPD itself, newfound knowledge that overwhelms me, pain of discovery, you name it. In my mind, it's destroying the image (family photos), or rather, it's forcing ME to destroy the image of the family I never really had anyway. And it's all been such a sudden and violent realization that I feel I might be rendered to bits from the force of it. Heidi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 18, 2010 Report Share Posted December 18, 2010 Sara, I was so interested to read your dream because I had one that was nada-related the other night, too. I just figured out mom has BPD about 8 weeks ago--it's a relief and a terror and I've been reading books and recognizing myself in you all--the learning curve is so huge and so FAST! So I've felt more than a little wrapped up in BPD lately, and here is my dream: I'm in the house I grew up in, in my bedroom, looking at a rack of clothing in my closet. The clothes aren't mine, but they're beautiful and sequined and they look like " Mother of the Bride " dresses--peachy and pink and long and dressy. I turn away from them for a second, and when I turn back, they're all gone. Suddenly, I am lifted up off my feet as if by an unseen force and hurtled against the wall. I slide to the floor. The force lifts me again and throws me out in the hallway. It lifts me again and moves me towards the stairwell, trying to toss me down the stairs. I am slamming into walls and, I distinctly remember, pulling framed family photos off the walls as I try to stop from being thrown. I literally feel like this thing is going to kill me. Then I woke up, very frightened. My unconscious tends to be pretty clear in its messages, and so I'm interpreting this one pretty literally: The " mother's clothing, " the ideal, pretty, garments that hung so nicely in the closet--(note: skeletons in the closet?) have disappeared. Instead of just suspecting that my nada is crazy, I now know it's true. The unseen force threatening to kill me is: BPD itself, newfound knowledge that overwhelms me, pain of discovery, you name it. In my mind, it's destroying the image (family photos), or rather, it's forcing ME to destroy the image of the family I never really had anyway. And it's all been such a sudden and violent realization that I feel I might be rendered to bits from the force of it. Heidi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 18, 2010 Report Share Posted December 18, 2010 Sara, I was so interested to read your dream because I had one that was nada-related the other night, too. I just figured out mom has BPD about 8 weeks ago--it's a relief and a terror and I've been reading books and recognizing myself in you all--the learning curve is so huge and so FAST! So I've felt more than a little wrapped up in BPD lately, and here is my dream: I'm in the house I grew up in, in my bedroom, looking at a rack of clothing in my closet. The clothes aren't mine, but they're beautiful and sequined and they look like " Mother of the Bride " dresses--peachy and pink and long and dressy. I turn away from them for a second, and when I turn back, they're all gone. Suddenly, I am lifted up off my feet as if by an unseen force and hurtled against the wall. I slide to the floor. The force lifts me again and throws me out in the hallway. It lifts me again and moves me towards the stairwell, trying to toss me down the stairs. I am slamming into walls and, I distinctly remember, pulling framed family photos off the walls as I try to stop from being thrown. I literally feel like this thing is going to kill me. Then I woke up, very frightened. My unconscious tends to be pretty clear in its messages, and so I'm interpreting this one pretty literally: The " mother's clothing, " the ideal, pretty, garments that hung so nicely in the closet--(note: skeletons in the closet?) have disappeared. Instead of just suspecting that my nada is crazy, I now know it's true. The unseen force threatening to kill me is: BPD itself, newfound knowledge that overwhelms me, pain of discovery, you name it. In my mind, it's destroying the image (family photos), or rather, it's forcing ME to destroy the image of the family I never really had anyway. And it's all been such a sudden and violent realization that I feel I might be rendered to bits from the force of it. Heidi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 30, 2011 Report Share Posted January 30, 2011 Heidi-- Wow!! What a powerful dream! I wanted to offer a perspective. My FOO is extremely functional. The house I grew up in had all of the external trappings of " family. " Shared meals, happy gatherings of large extended family, etc. Nada and Fada's BPD is very hidden, and acts more like a toxin to the foundation than an " out loud " illness. Highly insidious, and difficult to get your hands around. Since they are perfect on the external, it was very difficult for me to sort out what was real. How can people who look and act just like pillars of the community be mentally ill sadists? Surely, I kept saying, there was a more reasonable explanation . . . I wanted to offer a perspective from my experience, since it might be relevant to your dream: One of the most brutal parts of coming to terms with my mother's illness was this: once I knew she was crazy, as in really and truly beyond reason, I no longer had a place in my " clan. " The perfect mother ideal I had constructed (which the clothes in the closet may represent) began to disappear. As soon as that happened, that knowledge began to " throw me out " of the family home. In other words, the more sane I was, the less I was able to stay in their " house. " My perspectives, coping skills, abilities to live inside of my FOO were all based on the fantasy that nada was just another person who sometimes got confused and fada was just a brilliant man too perfect to be " bothered " by something as irrelevant as his children. (Ack!). Once I knew the truth, the gap between their persective and my perspective was too huge: it meant we could no longer co-habitate in the same family circle. So, when the " perfect mommy " ideal began to disappear, it was painful on many levels. As soon as I came to terms with BPD, I was " cast out " in isolation, with no family to speak of. No back-up, no family history to connect to, none of the " clan " stuff we all so desperately need as humans. Even the things I could enjoy (Holiday celebrations, family gatherings, extended family) were not available to me. So, my knowledge literally picked me up and threw me out of the family house with violence. Step by step, room by room. And, as I was going through that violent process (of healing, actually) I clung to whatever small " picture " of family I could. It was a false hope that maybe . . . if I just connect with the right FOO and communicate in the right way . . . I could still belong in some way. Wow. Writing this out was helpful. I forget, sometimes, how much healing really costs. Hope this helps! Blessings, Karla > > > > Sara, > I was so interested to read your dream because I had one that was nada-related the other night, too. I just figured out mom has BPD about 8 weeks ago--it's a relief and a terror and I've been reading books and recognizing myself in you all--the learning curve is so huge and so FAST! > > So I've felt more than a little wrapped up in BPD lately, and here is my dream: > > I'm in the house I grew up in, in my bedroom, looking at a rack of clothing in my closet. The clothes aren't mine, but they're beautiful and sequined and they look like " Mother of the Bride " dresses--peachy and pink and long and dressy. I turn away from them for a second, and when I turn back, they're all gone. Suddenly, I am lifted up off my feet as if by an unseen force and hurtled against the wall. I slide to the floor. The force lifts me again and throws me out in the hallway. It lifts me again and moves me towards the stairwell, trying to toss me down the stairs. I am slamming into walls and, I distinctly remember, pulling framed family photos off the walls as I try to stop from being thrown. I literally feel like this thing is going to kill me. > > Then I woke up, very frightened. My unconscious tends to be pretty clear in its messages, and so I'm interpreting this one pretty literally: The " mother's clothing, " the ideal, pretty, garments that hung so nicely in the closet--(note: skeletons in the closet?) have disappeared. Instead of just suspecting that my nada is crazy, I now know it's true. The unseen force threatening to kill me is: BPD itself, newfound knowledge that overwhelms me, pain of discovery, you name it. In my mind, it's destroying the image (family photos), or rather, it's forcing ME to destroy the image of the family I never really had anyway. And it's all been such a sudden and violent realization that I feel I might be rendered to bits from the force of it. > > Heidi > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 30, 2011 Report Share Posted January 30, 2011 Heidi-- Wow!! What a powerful dream! I wanted to offer a perspective. My FOO is extremely functional. The house I grew up in had all of the external trappings of " family. " Shared meals, happy gatherings of large extended family, etc. Nada and Fada's BPD is very hidden, and acts more like a toxin to the foundation than an " out loud " illness. Highly insidious, and difficult to get your hands around. Since they are perfect on the external, it was very difficult for me to sort out what was real. How can people who look and act just like pillars of the community be mentally ill sadists? Surely, I kept saying, there was a more reasonable explanation . . . I wanted to offer a perspective from my experience, since it might be relevant to your dream: One of the most brutal parts of coming to terms with my mother's illness was this: once I knew she was crazy, as in really and truly beyond reason, I no longer had a place in my " clan. " The perfect mother ideal I had constructed (which the clothes in the closet may represent) began to disappear. As soon as that happened, that knowledge began to " throw me out " of the family home. In other words, the more sane I was, the less I was able to stay in their " house. " My perspectives, coping skills, abilities to live inside of my FOO were all based on the fantasy that nada was just another person who sometimes got confused and fada was just a brilliant man too perfect to be " bothered " by something as irrelevant as his children. (Ack!). Once I knew the truth, the gap between their persective and my perspective was too huge: it meant we could no longer co-habitate in the same family circle. So, when the " perfect mommy " ideal began to disappear, it was painful on many levels. As soon as I came to terms with BPD, I was " cast out " in isolation, with no family to speak of. No back-up, no family history to connect to, none of the " clan " stuff we all so desperately need as humans. Even the things I could enjoy (Holiday celebrations, family gatherings, extended family) were not available to me. So, my knowledge literally picked me up and threw me out of the family house with violence. Step by step, room by room. And, as I was going through that violent process (of healing, actually) I clung to whatever small " picture " of family I could. It was a false hope that maybe . . . if I just connect with the right FOO and communicate in the right way . . . I could still belong in some way. Wow. Writing this out was helpful. I forget, sometimes, how much healing really costs. Hope this helps! Blessings, Karla > > > > Sara, > I was so interested to read your dream because I had one that was nada-related the other night, too. I just figured out mom has BPD about 8 weeks ago--it's a relief and a terror and I've been reading books and recognizing myself in you all--the learning curve is so huge and so FAST! > > So I've felt more than a little wrapped up in BPD lately, and here is my dream: > > I'm in the house I grew up in, in my bedroom, looking at a rack of clothing in my closet. The clothes aren't mine, but they're beautiful and sequined and they look like " Mother of the Bride " dresses--peachy and pink and long and dressy. I turn away from them for a second, and when I turn back, they're all gone. Suddenly, I am lifted up off my feet as if by an unseen force and hurtled against the wall. I slide to the floor. The force lifts me again and throws me out in the hallway. It lifts me again and moves me towards the stairwell, trying to toss me down the stairs. I am slamming into walls and, I distinctly remember, pulling framed family photos off the walls as I try to stop from being thrown. I literally feel like this thing is going to kill me. > > Then I woke up, very frightened. My unconscious tends to be pretty clear in its messages, and so I'm interpreting this one pretty literally: The " mother's clothing, " the ideal, pretty, garments that hung so nicely in the closet--(note: skeletons in the closet?) have disappeared. Instead of just suspecting that my nada is crazy, I now know it's true. The unseen force threatening to kill me is: BPD itself, newfound knowledge that overwhelms me, pain of discovery, you name it. In my mind, it's destroying the image (family photos), or rather, it's forcing ME to destroy the image of the family I never really had anyway. And it's all been such a sudden and violent realization that I feel I might be rendered to bits from the force of it. > > Heidi > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 31, 2011 Report Share Posted January 31, 2011 Speaking of crazy dreams... why is my nada always NICE to me in my dreams? Or, she's flat out oblivious to me. I don't get it at all. I guess I do get me being oblivious to her... kind of a demonstration of feeling neglected in many ways. Also there are times in my dreams where she is oblivious and it's a flat out boundary violation. Example: I was dreaming that I was lying in my bed at her house, for some reason I was sleeping in the nude. In my dream, nada came in my room, flipped on the light and was checking herself out in my mirror. I was pretending to lie there asleep (I was under covers) but I wanted her OUT so that I could get dressed. I felt very uncomfortable. But the ones that kill me the most are the ones where she's nice & normal. er... wth?! She's certainly not nice & normal in real life. Maybe it's my brain's way of expressing my desire for a nice & normal mother! Mia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 31, 2011 Report Share Posted January 31, 2011 Speaking of crazy dreams... why is my nada always NICE to me in my dreams? Or, she's flat out oblivious to me. I don't get it at all. I guess I do get me being oblivious to her... kind of a demonstration of feeling neglected in many ways. Also there are times in my dreams where she is oblivious and it's a flat out boundary violation. Example: I was dreaming that I was lying in my bed at her house, for some reason I was sleeping in the nude. In my dream, nada came in my room, flipped on the light and was checking herself out in my mirror. I was pretending to lie there asleep (I was under covers) but I wanted her OUT so that I could get dressed. I felt very uncomfortable. But the ones that kill me the most are the ones where she's nice & normal. er... wth?! She's certainly not nice & normal in real life. Maybe it's my brain's way of expressing my desire for a nice & normal mother! Mia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 31, 2011 Report Share Posted January 31, 2011 Speaking of crazy dreams... why is my nada always NICE to me in my dreams? Or, she's flat out oblivious to me. I don't get it at all. I guess I do get me being oblivious to her... kind of a demonstration of feeling neglected in many ways. Also there are times in my dreams where she is oblivious and it's a flat out boundary violation. Example: I was dreaming that I was lying in my bed at her house, for some reason I was sleeping in the nude. In my dream, nada came in my room, flipped on the light and was checking herself out in my mirror. I was pretending to lie there asleep (I was under covers) but I wanted her OUT so that I could get dressed. I felt very uncomfortable. But the ones that kill me the most are the ones where she's nice & normal. er... wth?! She's certainly not nice & normal in real life. Maybe it's my brain's way of expressing my desire for a nice & normal mother! Mia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 31, 2011 Report Share Posted January 31, 2011 Yeah, I have that too. Virtually every time I have a dream about my nada, she's either being nice or just neutral. I believe that my subconscious assigns an indirect representation of my mother when I dream of her negative, frightening behaviors. Instead of replaying a real memory, I'll dream of disasters like earthquakes or a building fire, or a gigantic godzilla-like creature hunting me, or I'll dream of an empty chasm I'm about to fall into, or a huge tidal wave about to drown me. That's another form of " splitting " , I think. It would cause an unresolvable trauma for a tiny child to comprehend that her own mother hates her or is actively trying to hurt her, so even though I am middle-aged chronologically, in my subconscious I'm still 3 years old, I guess. There is no concept of " time " in the subconscious. And I guess its still too terrifying even in a dream to see my own mother's face twisted with rage at me, eyes dilated to black, red-faced, her spittle hitting my face as she grips my arms hard and screams inches away from my face, hating me, shaking me, hitting me, calling me things I don't even understand, and believing I am about to die, so my subconscious assigns that real source of terror to something else... and I dream of natural disasters and monsters. I think you're right and our dreams of nada being just nice or neutral are our deep yearning for the normal, calm, mentally healthy, stable, reliable, trust-able mother that we never had. -Annie > > Speaking of crazy dreams... why is my nada always NICE to me in my dreams? > Or, she's flat out oblivious to me. I don't get it at all. > > I guess I do get me being oblivious to her... kind of a demonstration of > feeling neglected in many ways. Also there are times in my dreams where she > is oblivious and it's a flat out boundary violation. Example: I was > dreaming that I was lying in my bed at her house, for some reason I was > sleeping in the nude. In my dream, nada came in my room, flipped on the > light and was checking herself out in my mirror. I was pretending to lie > there asleep (I was under covers) but I wanted her OUT so that I could get > dressed. I felt very uncomfortable. > > But the ones that kill me the most are the ones where she's nice & normal. > er... wth?! She's certainly not nice & normal in real life. Maybe it's my > brain's way of expressing my desire for a nice & normal mother! > > Mia > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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