Re: guidance where/how?

[Guest guest]

Hello !

I read my post only on mail via Black barry - (it is the only way I can

fallow the speed mails coming..:-)) ) but I couldn't answer you before. I'm

working on 3 different projects at once..and I hardly have time for

breathing.

I'm 44 and I have been together with my BF for the last 4 years. You should

see my ex- boyfriends.....the worse mixtures of nada and fada. One of them

even want to kill me and my kid (the father of my child) After that it was

better but I couldn't find somebody to make healthy relation with him. 5

years ago I said ENOUGH!. I said to myself - I had to be broken too if I

attract broken persons. So I decided to go to " celibate " - no boyfriends,

until I heal myself and be hole again.

I decided to make general " checking out reality " of my life - I put all

my believes, thinking, liking, working, living....everything to zero....try

to look to myself from distance, try to see who am I really, where am I,

what I'm doing, where I live, with whom... ..... It was very very very hard.

It hit me like a hurricane. When I saw the " cold truth " it was even worst.

Than there was regretting, grieving.....how can I be so stupid, how I didn't

see what was so clear, how can I blow up so many opportunities ......I

thought I would go mad, but with a lot of help of my friends ( just

listening to me) and with even bigger help of my stubbornness ( I rather die

than let my past, or nada or fada or other crazy people broke me and

destroyed my life) I somehow climb out of a black hole. It was the worst

half a year of my live :-)) but than I accepted It was what it was , I

decided to leave that behind and take what I have and move on - this time

differently.

Than I met this guy. Completely different from any guy from before. I would

not even notice him before. Fist thing I said to him it was, that I can not

be with him, because I don't want any relationship until I would be hole.I

didn't take him seriously, I was not in love in him. He had painful past

too and he agreed to be just friends. We worked together with our past, be

grow together and found out we like each other a lot and became partners. It

is not like before - big romantic things with a lot of good and bad

dramas...it is more calm, friendly, worm. But I like it. And my hole life

became different. I don't lost so much energy on dramas and I can put that

energy in me, my kid, my job, my partner.

I would be glad if I would have some good professional help while I was in

all that processes _ at one point I was thinking that I would go completely

mad - but like I said in my country it is really hard to find a good one (

long story). And probably I have more knowledge than most of them. When I

was 14 I found out that I had nobody to raise me, so I decided to raise

myself. I read a lot of books and I even studied psychoterapist ( but now

I'm working something completely different ) I still read a lot of

professional books and all of this helps me a lot. I'm usually

" pschoterapevt " for people around me - I help many of them.

But all this time I feel very alone. I have a lot of people around me, some

of them are really good friends, but still...like you said I don't have

anybody to really trust, when I need some good advice. Even if they want me

good, thay have no knowledge to really help me...But for now I'm happy I

manage to heal and improve some things by myself, that I have a nice

boyfriend who at least understand me and support me, and that I have few

good friends who at least listen to me when I'm venting...:-)

I really hope you can understand my English ( I can easily read but hardly

write) Sorry form my wrong tenses and all other mess...:-))

And thank your kind answer.

Have a nice day!!

Yenaine

2010/11/8

> Hello !

> I often think about how my life would be completely different I had any

> guidance and I too have a huge problem with trusting other enough to listen

> to their advice (even good one)...When I was young I felt completely alone

> on a planet of chaotic crazy fools. I too learn not to listen, to be

> incredibly stubborn, to put my own opinion above others even to an arrogant

> degree. I too met a lot of " good " teachers or doctors or other authorities

> and I somehow always find some strange things about them. I found out that

> " the best " teacher in the school sexually abuse my friend, the other one (

> also the most popular) manipulate with pupils... I found out that the best

> doctor or healer in the city is making big mistakes or he or she is a big

> fake......

>

> I looks that I have some strange " Carma " with discovering " the best "

> authorities to be total disaster:-))...and it was not just my imagination.

> Later everybody cames to the same conclusion....Not to mention

> psychotherapists or psychiatrist in my country......with few exception

> total disaster ( again not just my opinion )

>

>

>

> So I have a big problem to trust anybody enough to help me. And I have a

> huge problems because of my living with disoriented family in my past. It

> takes me a lot of years to find some people I can trust enough just to

> listen to them and than I make my own decision what is right or not for me.

> The main problem was to show my vulnerability. Because deep in me it is old

> pattern saying - they will use it somehow - even if it won't be on purpose-

> or they don't understand what I'm telling them. I made the biggest progress

> with my boyfriend. I was lucky to find one who has crazy family too and who

> is willing to work on his problems together with me - so we learn to trust

> and solve the old patterns together. And I'm lucky that I can easily read

> books in English so I can get help with reading the good books.

>

> I hope you can understand my words - English is not my language. That is

> why I don't post often , but I'm with you all the time. It means a lot to me

> to read your post. but it takes a loooooot of time for me to write in

> English..:-)) ...with my crazy shedule it is almost impossible to be fast

> enough to

>