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So depressed today

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In the last few years I've really thought of myself as having beat my

depression, but when I have to deal with Nada, it just comes flooding back. I

can deal with Fada better; for some reason it hurts me more to have a

self-involved mother than a narcissicistic father ... I guess we expect more

from our mothers? (Or maybe that's just me.)

She called yesterday. Don't know why I answered the phone. She was bright and

chatty and said that she was " thinking about family " and I just wanted to be

sick. I wanted to say " Family?!? What the hell are you talking about? I don't

have a family. (AT least not a family of origin.) What I have is a lot of f*cked

up, broken, sad memories of a pathetic childhood you couldn't pay me to

re-experience! "

I am so grateful for my husband and daughter. I just hope to god I'm not f*cking

her up. I hope she doesn't hate me some day the way I hate my parents.

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