Christmas and the future

[Guest guest]

I’m new to the group. I am a single mom w/ a teenage daughter. I moved in with

my Nada (love that abbreviation †" brought tears to my eyes!) 10.5 years ago

when my special needs baby needed a full-time mom. I didn’t really know what I

was getting into at that time. I knew mom and I fought a lot, but I figured we

would be OK. Ironically, at that time, I went back to graduate school to get my

Masters degree in Social Work, and it was then that I found out about the

wonderful world of BPD & Narcissistic PD, and that both she and my brother have

it. Don’t see or communicate w/ brother at all.

As my Mom has gotten older, (now 87), she is getting worse. Always a hoarder,

she has now taken over the dining room and all of the first floor with her junk.

We no longer have a place to eat together, which clearly is her plan. My

daughter and I live on the second and third floor of the house, and carry our

food upstairs to eat.

I’m really obsessing about Christmas. We have always included my mom in our

holiday plans †" food & movie. But last year I was exhausted from all the

cooking, so I am planning on doing very little this year. ly, we really

don’t want to include her at all, but I do feel guilty †" and I guess I’m

also grieving about the lack of a relationship with her. My last straw was a few

months ago, when I was totally exhausted, physically & emotionally, and was

ordered by my doctor to hire someone to help me around the house. Nada’s

reaction was that if I hired anyone, she would call the police and have them

thrown out. Nice way to say “I care about you, honey†(not!).

So at this point I really don’t talk to her at all, because everything she

says will be a criticism or be taken by her as a criticism from me, whether

meant that way or not. Can you say projection? I’m filling out an application

for affordable housing, so my dd and I can move out. But the GUILT! She’s 87.

She’s pretty healthy now, but I’m afraid that she’ll burn down the house

if she’s here alone (smoke detector goes off every time she cooks).

Has anyone walked out on an elderly BP parent and/or stopped including them in

holiday celebrations?

[Guest guest]

Hi Buddhacat,

Welcome to the Group. That must be stressful for you to live with your nada in

her house, with her also being a hoarder and making the first floor virtually

unlivable. I hope your nada is mentally competent enough to not accidentally

set the place on fire, that's what worries me most about my own nada who is 83

and starting to become forgetful. Sister thinks it still manageable for our nada

to live on her own because she keeps the place very neat (even her hoarding is

neat; its all in plastic containers and labeled and most of it is in a storage

unit) but a house stacked floor to ceiling with boxes and clutter (and garbage?)

is both unsanitary and a real fire hazard.

I think that's a great idea to do something different for Christmas this year.

I am currently in no contact with my nada, and haven't seen her for the holidays

for several years now.

So, how you want to handle Christmas is totally up to you and what you feel

comfortable with.

IF you want any contact with nada, maybe take nada to a restaurant for Christmas

dinner this year; no cooking involved at all!

If cooking a big meal is no longer easy or fun (because of the mess and clutter

of the hoarded items, or because of nada-drama stress, or for any reason)

then... don't do it.

I do different things for the holidays. Sometimes I have friends over,

sometimes I go to a friend's home, sometimes a friend or two and I will go to a

restaurant for Thanksgiving, sometimes I go serve a Thanksgiving meal at the

mission downtown, sometimes I go on a short driving trip. I haven't been flying

back to my nada's state for the holidays for many years now; even before 9-11,

holiday travel was starting to feel like torture, and these days its really not

affordable for me, even though I'd love to spend time with my Sister. Now that

I am in virtual No Contact with nada, all I do is send her a card. So I do

holiday stuff with friends instead of family, but I'm rather non-traditional,

though.

-Annie

>

> I’m new to the group. I am a single mom w/ a teenage daughter. I moved in

with my Nada (love that abbreviation †" brought tears to my eyes!) 10.5 years

ago when my special needs baby needed a full-time mom. I didn’t really know

what I was getting into at that time. I knew mom and I fought a lot, but I

figured we would be OK. Ironically, at that time, I went back to graduate school

to get my Masters degree in Social Work, and it was then that I found out about

the wonderful world of BPD & Narcissistic PD, and that both she and my brother

have it. Don’t see or communicate w/ brother at all.

>

> As my Mom has gotten older, (now 87), she is getting worse. Always a hoarder,

she has now taken over the dining room and all of the first floor with her junk.

We no longer have a place to eat together, which clearly is her plan. My

daughter and I live on the second and third floor of the house, and carry our

food upstairs to eat.

>

> I’m really obsessing about Christmas. We have always included my mom in our

holiday plans †" food & movie. But last year I was exhausted from all the

cooking, so I am planning on doing very little this year. ly, we really

don’t want to include her at all, but I do feel guilty †" and I guess I’m

also grieving about the lack of a relationship with her. My last straw was a few

months ago, when I was totally exhausted, physically & emotionally, and was

ordered by my doctor to hire someone to help me around the house. Nada’s

reaction was that if I hired anyone, she would call the police and have them

thrown out. Nice way to say “I care about you, honey†(not!).

>

> So at this point I really don’t talk to her at all, because everything she

says will be a criticism or be taken by her as a criticism from me, whether

meant that way or not. Can you say projection? I’m filling out an application

for affordable housing, so my dd and I can move out. But the GUILT! She’s 87.

She’s pretty healthy now, but I’m afraid that she’ll burn down the house

if she’s here alone (smoke detector goes off every time she cooks).

>

> Has anyone walked out on an elderly BP parent and/or stopped including them in

holiday celebrations?

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Buddhacat,

Welcome to the Group. That must be stressful for you to live with your nada in

her house, with her also being a hoarder and making the first floor virtually

unlivable. I hope your nada is mentally competent enough to not accidentally

set the place on fire, that's what worries me most about my own nada who is 83

and starting to become forgetful. Sister thinks it still manageable for our nada

to live on her own because she keeps the place very neat (even her hoarding is

neat; its all in plastic containers and labeled and most of it is in a storage

unit) but a house stacked floor to ceiling with boxes and clutter (and garbage?)

is both unsanitary and a real fire hazard.

I think that's a great idea to do something different for Christmas this year.

I am currently in no contact with my nada, and haven't seen her for the holidays

for several years now.

So, how you want to handle Christmas is totally up to you and what you feel

comfortable with.

IF you want any contact with nada, maybe take nada to a restaurant for Christmas

dinner this year; no cooking involved at all!

If cooking a big meal is no longer easy or fun (because of the mess and clutter

of the hoarded items, or because of nada-drama stress, or for any reason)

then... don't do it.

I do different things for the holidays. Sometimes I have friends over,

sometimes I go to a friend's home, sometimes a friend or two and I will go to a

restaurant for Thanksgiving, sometimes I go serve a Thanksgiving meal at the

mission downtown, sometimes I go on a short driving trip. I haven't been flying

back to my nada's state for the holidays for many years now; even before 9-11,

holiday travel was starting to feel like torture, and these days its really not

affordable for me, even though I'd love to spend time with my Sister. Now that

I am in virtual No Contact with nada, all I do is send her a card. So I do

holiday stuff with friends instead of family, but I'm rather non-traditional,

though.

-Annie

>

> I’m new to the group. I am a single mom w/ a teenage daughter. I moved in

with my Nada (love that abbreviation †" brought tears to my eyes!) 10.5 years

ago when my special needs baby needed a full-time mom. I didn’t really know

what I was getting into at that time. I knew mom and I fought a lot, but I

figured we would be OK. Ironically, at that time, I went back to graduate school

to get my Masters degree in Social Work, and it was then that I found out about

the wonderful world of BPD & Narcissistic PD, and that both she and my brother

have it. Don’t see or communicate w/ brother at all.

>

> As my Mom has gotten older, (now 87), she is getting worse. Always a hoarder,

she has now taken over the dining room and all of the first floor with her junk.

We no longer have a place to eat together, which clearly is her plan. My

daughter and I live on the second and third floor of the house, and carry our

food upstairs to eat.

>

> I’m really obsessing about Christmas. We have always included my mom in our

holiday plans †" food & movie. But last year I was exhausted from all the

cooking, so I am planning on doing very little this year. ly, we really

don’t want to include her at all, but I do feel guilty †" and I guess I’m

also grieving about the lack of a relationship with her. My last straw was a few

months ago, when I was totally exhausted, physically & emotionally, and was

ordered by my doctor to hire someone to help me around the house. Nada’s

reaction was that if I hired anyone, she would call the police and have them

thrown out. Nice way to say “I care about you, honey†(not!).

>

> So at this point I really don’t talk to her at all, because everything she

says will be a criticism or be taken by her as a criticism from me, whether

meant that way or not. Can you say projection? I’m filling out an application

for affordable housing, so my dd and I can move out. But the GUILT! She’s 87.

She’s pretty healthy now, but I’m afraid that she’ll burn down the house

if she’s here alone (smoke detector goes off every time she cooks).

>

> Has anyone walked out on an elderly BP parent and/or stopped including them in

holiday celebrations?

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Buddhacat,

Welcome to the Group. That must be stressful for you to live with your nada in

her house, with her also being a hoarder and making the first floor virtually

unlivable. I hope your nada is mentally competent enough to not accidentally

set the place on fire, that's what worries me most about my own nada who is 83

and starting to become forgetful. Sister thinks it still manageable for our nada

to live on her own because she keeps the place very neat (even her hoarding is

neat; its all in plastic containers and labeled and most of it is in a storage

unit) but a house stacked floor to ceiling with boxes and clutter (and garbage?)

is both unsanitary and a real fire hazard.

I think that's a great idea to do something different for Christmas this year.

I am currently in no contact with my nada, and haven't seen her for the holidays

for several years now.

So, how you want to handle Christmas is totally up to you and what you feel

comfortable with.

IF you want any contact with nada, maybe take nada to a restaurant for Christmas

dinner this year; no cooking involved at all!

If cooking a big meal is no longer easy or fun (because of the mess and clutter

of the hoarded items, or because of nada-drama stress, or for any reason)

then... don't do it.

I do different things for the holidays. Sometimes I have friends over,

sometimes I go to a friend's home, sometimes a friend or two and I will go to a

restaurant for Thanksgiving, sometimes I go serve a Thanksgiving meal at the

mission downtown, sometimes I go on a short driving trip. I haven't been flying

back to my nada's state for the holidays for many years now; even before 9-11,

holiday travel was starting to feel like torture, and these days its really not

affordable for me, even though I'd love to spend time with my Sister. Now that

I am in virtual No Contact with nada, all I do is send her a card. So I do

holiday stuff with friends instead of family, but I'm rather non-traditional,

though.

-Annie

>

> I’m new to the group. I am a single mom w/ a teenage daughter. I moved in

with my Nada (love that abbreviation †" brought tears to my eyes!) 10.5 years

ago when my special needs baby needed a full-time mom. I didn’t really know

what I was getting into at that time. I knew mom and I fought a lot, but I

figured we would be OK. Ironically, at that time, I went back to graduate school

to get my Masters degree in Social Work, and it was then that I found out about

the wonderful world of BPD & Narcissistic PD, and that both she and my brother

have it. Don’t see or communicate w/ brother at all.

>

> As my Mom has gotten older, (now 87), she is getting worse. Always a hoarder,

she has now taken over the dining room and all of the first floor with her junk.

We no longer have a place to eat together, which clearly is her plan. My

daughter and I live on the second and third floor of the house, and carry our

food upstairs to eat.

>

> I’m really obsessing about Christmas. We have always included my mom in our

holiday plans †" food & movie. But last year I was exhausted from all the

cooking, so I am planning on doing very little this year. ly, we really

don’t want to include her at all, but I do feel guilty †" and I guess I’m

also grieving about the lack of a relationship with her. My last straw was a few

months ago, when I was totally exhausted, physically & emotionally, and was

ordered by my doctor to hire someone to help me around the house. Nada’s

reaction was that if I hired anyone, she would call the police and have them

thrown out. Nice way to say “I care about you, honey†(not!).

>

> So at this point I really don’t talk to her at all, because everything she

says will be a criticism or be taken by her as a criticism from me, whether

meant that way or not. Can you say projection? I’m filling out an application

for affordable housing, so my dd and I can move out. But the GUILT! She’s 87.

She’s pretty healthy now, but I’m afraid that she’ll burn down the house

if she’s here alone (smoke detector goes off every time she cooks).

>

> Has anyone walked out on an elderly BP parent and/or stopped including them in

holiday celebrations?

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the group.

I haven't done anything significant with my nada for any holiday

for many years. I don't know what she does on holidays, but

whatever it is she does it without me. I think you are perfectly

within your rights to choose to have your own plans without your

nada for Christmas. Do something you'll enjoy and have a nice

relaxing nada-free holiday. If you want a good excuse for being

out of the house, see if you can find some charity that is

serving dinner to the homeless or poor that day that you can

help or a group that is handing out toys to needy children, or

some other volunteer activity. Being around people who are

appreciative of what you're doing is a radical change from being

around a nada.

How real is the worry about your nada setting the house on fire

- does the smoke detecter go off because she's actually making

smoke or burning things or because it is overly sensitive? (I

recently exiled my downstairs smoke detector because it was

going off when I boiled water in my tea kettle, made toast or

just turned the oven on. It is sitting on the porch until I

figure out who to complain to about its failures.) Are you

having to do things to deal with her cooking when the smoke

detector goes off or does she deal with it herself? If she's

really burning things, that's a big concern. But you know what?

She's an adult. Unless her problems make her mentally

incompetent, she gets to make her own choices and if those

choices are bad and include burning down her house, that's her

responsibility, not yours. Don't let that issue prevent you from

doing what you have to to make a decent life for you and your

daughter. It sounds like you're living as semi-prisoners

upstairs, unable to use the rooms downstairs like normal people.

Get yourself out of there as soon as you can for the sake of

your own health and safety. Good luck with finding a place of

your own.

At 08:17 PM 11/28/2010 Buddhacat wrote:

>I’m new to the group. I am a single mom w/ a teenage

>daughter. I moved in with my Nada (love that abbreviation †"

>brought tears to my eyes!) 10.5 years ago when my special needs

>baby needed a full-time mom. I didn’t really know what I was

>getting into at that time. I knew mom and I fought a lot, but I

>figured we would be OK. Ironically, at that time, I went back

>to graduate school to get my Masters degree in Social Work, and

>it was then that I found out about the wonderful world of BPD &

>Narcissistic PD, and that both she and my brother have it.

>Don’t see or communicate w/ brother at all.

>

>As my Mom has gotten older, (now 87), she is getting worse.

>Always a hoarder, she has now taken over the dining room and

>all of the first floor with her junk. We no longer have a place

>to eat together, which clearly is her plan. My daughter and I

>live on the second and third floor of the house, and carry our

>food upstairs to eat.

>

>I’m really obsessing about Christmas. We have always included

>my mom in our holiday plans †" food & movie. But last year I

>was exhausted from all the cooking, so I am planning on doing

>very little this year. ly, we really don’t want to

>include her at all, but I do feel guilty †" and I guess I’m

>also grieving about the lack of a relationship with her. My

>last straw was a few months ago, when I was totally exhausted,

>physically & emotionally, and was ordered by my doctor to hire

>someone to help me around the house. Nada’s reaction was that

>if I hired anyone, she would call the police and have them

>thrown out. Nice way to say “I care about you, honeyâ€

>(not!).

>

>So at this point I really don’t talk to her at all, because

>everything she says will be a criticism or be taken by her as a

>criticism from me, whether meant that way or not. Can you say

>projection? I’m filling out an application for affordable

>housing, so my dd and I can move out. But the GUILT! She’s

>87. She’s pretty healthy now, but I’m afraid that she’ll

>burn down the house if she’s here alone (smoke detector goes

>off every time she cooks).

>

>Has anyone walked out on an elderly BP parent and/or stopped

>including them in holiday celebrations?

--

Katrina