Re: Nada coming with cancer

[Guest guest]

Hi, ,

Wow, I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now. All of this is just

starting and you already sound exhausted. I know this isn't the most innovative

suggestion, but are you currently in therapy? Even if you've done it in the

past, now seems like it would be a really good time. If you do decide to take

care of your mother, you need to take care of yourself first, and that means

having someone you can share your thoughts with, who can guide you to decisions

that make life better for you.

Do you have any friends or healthy family members who can serve as your support

group? Maybe you are the only one who can take care of your mother, but are

there people you can trust to be there for you? Even if it just means getting

together for coffee once in a while to take your mind off things, or listening

to you talk?

I notice that you say your Nada could pay for help, but she doesn't trust

anyone. That sounds like her problem, not yours. If you want to be involved in

her caretaking because it makes YOU feel better, then fine, but if she CHOOSES

not to have help when she could in fact afford it, that doesn't automatically

make you responsible for her well-being.

--Jgar

>

> For a long time I didn't come here in a attempt to keep away those feelings

that

> are always surrounding me every time I talk to my Nada or think about her.

> Not checking here was a way to minimize the time thinking about all this BPD

> world.

> It was working I think ,'cause she was in the other side of the planet.

> Now I got a big X'mas gift: she's arriving on the X'mas day for a medical

check

> up (again) 'cause she has a diagnostic of breast cancer level 1.

> In the hospital where she lives, they are preparing her for a surgery but she

> doesn't trust the doctor and there's nobody to care of her unless she pays for

> that and

> she doesn't trust anybody anyway. The only person is me, only daughter,

pretty

> tired of her in good physical health and I just don't know how I'll stand the

> next few months. SHe didn't even arrived and I almost can not control my

> nerves. Sometimes I wonder if I have BPD or any other disorder 'cause I easily

> lost control when is around and I know that I need to be strong but I'm very

> tired already.

> Any suggestions?

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, ,

Wow, I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now. All of this is just

starting and you already sound exhausted. I know this isn't the most innovative

suggestion, but are you currently in therapy? Even if you've done it in the

past, now seems like it would be a really good time. If you do decide to take

care of your mother, you need to take care of yourself first, and that means

having someone you can share your thoughts with, who can guide you to decisions

that make life better for you.

Do you have any friends or healthy family members who can serve as your support

group? Maybe you are the only one who can take care of your mother, but are

there people you can trust to be there for you? Even if it just means getting

together for coffee once in a while to take your mind off things, or listening

to you talk?

I notice that you say your Nada could pay for help, but she doesn't trust

anyone. That sounds like her problem, not yours. If you want to be involved in

her caretaking because it makes YOU feel better, then fine, but if she CHOOSES

not to have help when she could in fact afford it, that doesn't automatically

make you responsible for her well-being.

--Jgar

>

> For a long time I didn't come here in a attempt to keep away those feelings

that

> are always surrounding me every time I talk to my Nada or think about her.

> Not checking here was a way to minimize the time thinking about all this BPD

> world.

> It was working I think ,'cause she was in the other side of the planet.

> Now I got a big X'mas gift: she's arriving on the X'mas day for a medical

check

> up (again) 'cause she has a diagnostic of breast cancer level 1.

> In the hospital where she lives, they are preparing her for a surgery but she

> doesn't trust the doctor and there's nobody to care of her unless she pays for

> that and

> she doesn't trust anybody anyway. The only person is me, only daughter,

pretty

> tired of her in good physical health and I just don't know how I'll stand the

> next few months. SHe didn't even arrived and I almost can not control my

> nerves. Sometimes I wonder if I have BPD or any other disorder 'cause I easily

> lost control when is around and I know that I need to be strong but I'm very

> tired already.

> Any suggestions?

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I understand what you mean about

having to deal with old feelings when you visit the board. I've been back for

about a month and will probably take another long break pretty soon.

My mom just finished radiation treatment a couple of weeks ago. She doesn't

trust anyone but Mayo clinic and travels up there multiple times a year for

checkups. Every time they've found something " wrong " with her, she's had my dad

call to tell me the devastating news, and I imagined her in a melodramatic swoon

with the back of her hand on her head, pretending to be barely able to move.

First, it was Congestive Heart Failure. I could hear her telling him what to

say in the background, and it was clear that they really wanted me to become

overly concerned and worried about her impending doom. They had also found some

kind of tumor on her kidney, which was easily zapped off in an outpatient

procedure during her next visit.

A while later, they discovered a lymphoma tumor. She had Dad call my husband at

work to tell him about it because she thought I would be so worried that my milk

would dry up (I was nursing a baby). They finally told me about it themselves a

month or two later, and mentioned how worried they were about my milk again. I

told them I thought that was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard, and

wondered how they thought I could be that worried over a tumor the doctors

didn't even see a need to treat yet. Anyway, she was projecting her fear onto

me. The tumor eventually grew enough that her doctors prescribed one round of

radiation, which I mentioned she just finished. My parents were in MN for 3-4

weeks and called pretty often (though I still only answered the one call per

month). She sailed through with no side effects, other than an

all-too-unconcerned, heartless daughter.

My point is, a person with BPD knows what a mighty tool an illness can be in

hoovering and manipulating others. My parents still tried it even though I

never responded the way they wanted. I see your mother has scheduled her

treatment to coincide with a major holiday, just as mine did. I think this is

intended as a double-whammy and serves to magnify the dramatic effect and milk

folks for even more pity and attention. " Don't you feel sorry for me? Not only

am I dying, but I'm doing it on CHRISTMAS! "

I would encourage you that you still don't have to do any more than you are

comfortable with for your mother. She didn't ask you when or if you would be

available to help; she just decided that you're going to do it for her. And I

don't think that's okay. I can see the possibility that even when her treatment

is over she will continue to act helpless so that she can continue to manipulate

you into caring for her where you live. I think it would be a good idea for you

to decide now how often you are willing to visit her or accept phone calls if

she does come down (and it is okay for that number to be zero!). It's okay to

tell her you think home health care or a nursing facility would be a better

option since you are not able to provide her with the kind of care she needs.

It sounds like you have some trauma-related stress and anxiety (don't we all!),

and clearly your mother's disregard for your separate needs and identity has

triggered your anxiety. It is a reasonable reaction. I would feel the same way

if I were in your shoes. I can barely stand to see my mother for a couple of

hours a few times a year, even when she's not " dying " of something! Maybe you

have friends or your church has a team of people who make hospital visits that

would be willing to look in on your mom so that you don't have to do it every

day? Also, you can definitely tell her you think it would be in her best

interest to continue seeing the team of doctors she already has because they are

familiar with her case, or that you just aren't willing or able to be

responsible for her care.

I also recommend you schedule some special time for yourself to do things you

really enjoy, go out with friends, etc. It always helps me to make some time

where I can take care of just myself.

Hope everything works out!

KT

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I understand what you mean about

having to deal with old feelings when you visit the board. I've been back for

about a month and will probably take another long break pretty soon.

My mom just finished radiation treatment a couple of weeks ago. She doesn't

trust anyone but Mayo clinic and travels up there multiple times a year for

checkups. Every time they've found something " wrong " with her, she's had my dad

call to tell me the devastating news, and I imagined her in a melodramatic swoon

with the back of her hand on her head, pretending to be barely able to move.

First, it was Congestive Heart Failure. I could hear her telling him what to

say in the background, and it was clear that they really wanted me to become

overly concerned and worried about her impending doom. They had also found some

kind of tumor on her kidney, which was easily zapped off in an outpatient

procedure during her next visit.

A while later, they discovered a lymphoma tumor. She had Dad call my husband at

work to tell him about it because she thought I would be so worried that my milk

would dry up (I was nursing a baby). They finally told me about it themselves a

month or two later, and mentioned how worried they were about my milk again. I

told them I thought that was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard, and

wondered how they thought I could be that worried over a tumor the doctors

didn't even see a need to treat yet. Anyway, she was projecting her fear onto

me. The tumor eventually grew enough that her doctors prescribed one round of

radiation, which I mentioned she just finished. My parents were in MN for 3-4

weeks and called pretty often (though I still only answered the one call per

month). She sailed through with no side effects, other than an

all-too-unconcerned, heartless daughter.

My point is, a person with BPD knows what a mighty tool an illness can be in

hoovering and manipulating others. My parents still tried it even though I

never responded the way they wanted. I see your mother has scheduled her

treatment to coincide with a major holiday, just as mine did. I think this is

intended as a double-whammy and serves to magnify the dramatic effect and milk

folks for even more pity and attention. " Don't you feel sorry for me? Not only

am I dying, but I'm doing it on CHRISTMAS! "

I would encourage you that you still don't have to do any more than you are

comfortable with for your mother. She didn't ask you when or if you would be

available to help; she just decided that you're going to do it for her. And I

don't think that's okay. I can see the possibility that even when her treatment

is over she will continue to act helpless so that she can continue to manipulate

you into caring for her where you live. I think it would be a good idea for you

to decide now how often you are willing to visit her or accept phone calls if

she does come down (and it is okay for that number to be zero!). It's okay to

tell her you think home health care or a nursing facility would be a better

option since you are not able to provide her with the kind of care she needs.

It sounds like you have some trauma-related stress and anxiety (don't we all!),

and clearly your mother's disregard for your separate needs and identity has

triggered your anxiety. It is a reasonable reaction. I would feel the same way

if I were in your shoes. I can barely stand to see my mother for a couple of

hours a few times a year, even when she's not " dying " of something! Maybe you

have friends or your church has a team of people who make hospital visits that

would be willing to look in on your mom so that you don't have to do it every

day? Also, you can definitely tell her you think it would be in her best

interest to continue seeing the team of doctors she already has because they are

familiar with her case, or that you just aren't willing or able to be

responsible for her care.

I also recommend you schedule some special time for yourself to do things you

really enjoy, go out with friends, etc. It always helps me to make some time

where I can take care of just myself.

Hope everything works out!

KT

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I understand what you mean about

having to deal with old feelings when you visit the board. I've been back for

about a month and will probably take another long break pretty soon.

My mom just finished radiation treatment a couple of weeks ago. She doesn't

trust anyone but Mayo clinic and travels up there multiple times a year for

checkups. Every time they've found something " wrong " with her, she's had my dad

call to tell me the devastating news, and I imagined her in a melodramatic swoon

with the back of her hand on her head, pretending to be barely able to move.

First, it was Congestive Heart Failure. I could hear her telling him what to

say in the background, and it was clear that they really wanted me to become

overly concerned and worried about her impending doom. They had also found some

kind of tumor on her kidney, which was easily zapped off in an outpatient

procedure during her next visit.

A while later, they discovered a lymphoma tumor. She had Dad call my husband at

work to tell him about it because she thought I would be so worried that my milk

would dry up (I was nursing a baby). They finally told me about it themselves a

month or two later, and mentioned how worried they were about my milk again. I

told them I thought that was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard, and

wondered how they thought I could be that worried over a tumor the doctors

didn't even see a need to treat yet. Anyway, she was projecting her fear onto

me. The tumor eventually grew enough that her doctors prescribed one round of

radiation, which I mentioned she just finished. My parents were in MN for 3-4

weeks and called pretty often (though I still only answered the one call per

month). She sailed through with no side effects, other than an

all-too-unconcerned, heartless daughter.

My point is, a person with BPD knows what a mighty tool an illness can be in

hoovering and manipulating others. My parents still tried it even though I

never responded the way they wanted. I see your mother has scheduled her

treatment to coincide with a major holiday, just as mine did. I think this is

intended as a double-whammy and serves to magnify the dramatic effect and milk

folks for even more pity and attention. " Don't you feel sorry for me? Not only

am I dying, but I'm doing it on CHRISTMAS! "

I would encourage you that you still don't have to do any more than you are

comfortable with for your mother. She didn't ask you when or if you would be

available to help; she just decided that you're going to do it for her. And I

don't think that's okay. I can see the possibility that even when her treatment

is over she will continue to act helpless so that she can continue to manipulate

you into caring for her where you live. I think it would be a good idea for you

to decide now how often you are willing to visit her or accept phone calls if

she does come down (and it is okay for that number to be zero!). It's okay to

tell her you think home health care or a nursing facility would be a better

option since you are not able to provide her with the kind of care she needs.

It sounds like you have some trauma-related stress and anxiety (don't we all!),

and clearly your mother's disregard for your separate needs and identity has

triggered your anxiety. It is a reasonable reaction. I would feel the same way

if I were in your shoes. I can barely stand to see my mother for a couple of

hours a few times a year, even when she's not " dying " of something! Maybe you

have friends or your church has a team of people who make hospital visits that

would be willing to look in on your mom so that you don't have to do it every

day? Also, you can definitely tell her you think it would be in her best

interest to continue seeing the team of doctors she already has because they are

familiar with her case, or that you just aren't willing or able to be

responsible for her care.

I also recommend you schedule some special time for yourself to do things you

really enjoy, go out with friends, etc. It always helps me to make some time

where I can take care of just myself.

Hope everything works out!

KT

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

how long is your mother staying with you?

Suggestions...do you have close friends that you can ask to drop by frequently,

just to act as a buffer between her and you?

btw, I think all of us do what you described: stay away from the bp board to

take a break from it. Sigh. It's understandable. Sometimes it's just too much

to think about.

Fiona

>

> For a long time I didn't come here in a attempt to keep away those feelings

that

> are always surrounding me every time I talk to my Nada or think about her.

> Not checking here was a way to minimize the time thinking about all this BPD

> world.

> It was working I think ,'cause she was in the other side of the planet.

> Now I got a big X'mas gift: she's arriving on the X'mas day for a medical

check

> up (again) 'cause she has a diagnostic of breast cancer level 1.

> In the hospital where she lives, they are preparing her for a surgery but she

> doesn't trust the doctor and there's nobody to care of her unless she pays for

> that and

> she doesn't trust anybody anyway. The only person is me, only daughter,

pretty

> tired of her in good physical health and I just don't know how I'll stand the

> next few months. SHe didn't even arrived and I almost can not control my

> nerves. Sometimes I wonder if I have BPD or any other disorder 'cause I easily

> lost control when is around and I know that I need to be strong but I'm very

> tired already.

> Any suggestions?

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

how long is your mother staying with you?

Suggestions...do you have close friends that you can ask to drop by frequently,

just to act as a buffer between her and you?

btw, I think all of us do what you described: stay away from the bp board to

take a break from it. Sigh. It's understandable. Sometimes it's just too much

to think about.

Fiona

>

> For a long time I didn't come here in a attempt to keep away those feelings

that

> are always surrounding me every time I talk to my Nada or think about her.

> Not checking here was a way to minimize the time thinking about all this BPD

> world.

> It was working I think ,'cause she was in the other side of the planet.

> Now I got a big X'mas gift: she's arriving on the X'mas day for a medical

check

> up (again) 'cause she has a diagnostic of breast cancer level 1.

> In the hospital where she lives, they are preparing her for a surgery but she

> doesn't trust the doctor and there's nobody to care of her unless she pays for

> that and

> she doesn't trust anybody anyway. The only person is me, only daughter,

pretty

> tired of her in good physical health and I just don't know how I'll stand the

> next few months. SHe didn't even arrived and I almost can not control my

> nerves. Sometimes I wonder if I have BPD or any other disorder 'cause I easily

> lost control when is around and I know that I need to be strong but I'm very

> tired already.

> Any suggestions?

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

how long is your mother staying with you?

Suggestions...do you have close friends that you can ask to drop by frequently,

just to act as a buffer between her and you?

btw, I think all of us do what you described: stay away from the bp board to

take a break from it. Sigh. It's understandable. Sometimes it's just too much

to think about.

Fiona

>

> For a long time I didn't come here in a attempt to keep away those feelings

that

> are always surrounding me every time I talk to my Nada or think about her.

> Not checking here was a way to minimize the time thinking about all this BPD

> world.

> It was working I think ,'cause she was in the other side of the planet.

> Now I got a big X'mas gift: she's arriving on the X'mas day for a medical

check

> up (again) 'cause she has a diagnostic of breast cancer level 1.

> In the hospital where she lives, they are preparing her for a surgery but she

> doesn't trust the doctor and there's nobody to care of her unless she pays for

> that and

> she doesn't trust anybody anyway. The only person is me, only daughter,

pretty

> tired of her in good physical health and I just don't know how I'll stand the

> next few months. SHe didn't even arrived and I almost can not control my

> nerves. Sometimes I wonder if I have BPD or any other disorder 'cause I easily

> lost control when is around and I know that I need to be strong but I'm very

> tired already.

> Any suggestions?

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Helo MOnica Hatsu. My mother has no cancer but she is in hospital and I'm

the only one to take care for her. Before I had allways lost my temper but

this time I had had enough and I decided to refused to play our games.

She called me (few weeks ago) that she would make a suicide. I told her (

firmly and calmly) that she had to decide that for herself, because that is

her life and that I'm not qualified for helping her but I would suggested

her to go to the hospital to seek some help.

She than made a fake suicide. I called emergency and they brought her to

hospital. She has continued with manipulation in hospital. For example she

was pretending that she had collapsed but her doctor knew all the tricks and

when she found out that her manipulation won't work she became more calm and

she started to cooperate with him ( at least a bit).

I decided to help her but just as much as I can and as much is good for me

too. I've told her (calmly and firmly) that I can come every 7-10 days

without explaining much why. She felt that I mean it and she accepted that.

She claimed that they have treated her badly and I have to fight for her. I

said to her ( calmly and firmly:) that I think the personal is ok and that

they are professionals who knows more that we are. She felt that I mean it

and I won't fell in that trap so she stops it.

Than she refused that social worker who has the keys from her house brings

her some of her clothes. She claimed she doesn't trust her and I have to

gave her some of my clothes. I told her that I don't have any spare clothes

and if she would like to have her own clothes she had to accept help from

social worker. Than I called social worker and permit her to go into house

( nada didn't know that and I still have to see how she would react. But I

have bought her some clothes for Christmas's gift I'll give them to her in

next days.

And because I'm not cooperating in her drama more that I'm willing to and

I'm not giving more that I can give - I'm calm, not angry or frustrated.

And I found out that she is calmer too ( after first big dramas). Somebody

has to stop the old games and old patterns even if nada is in hospital (

anyway - allways is some " emergency " ..)

After all she did to me she should be thankful that I'm even helping her.

If she is not thankfull or she things that it is not enough that is her

problem not mine. I know i give her what I can, my conscious is calm and

clean.

And if FOG is attacking - I have a deep conversation with myself and

remember about what is all about :-) or talk to a good friend who

understands or write something here.

Find out what you are willing and capable of doing , make a plan and

boundaries and than stick to that.

I found out that the fear of what will happened if...is much much worst than

reality itself.

Hope it helps.

Yenaine

2010/12/20 Hatsu

>

>

> For a long time I didn't come here in a attempt to keep away those feelings

> that

> are always surrounding me every time I talk to my Nada or think about her.

> Not checking here was a way to minimize the time thinking about all this

> BPD

> world.

> It was working I think ,'cause she was in the other side of the planet.

> Now I got a big X'mas gift: she's arriving on the X'mas day for a medical

> check

> up (again) 'cause she has a diagnostic of breast cancer level 1.

> In the hospital where she lives, they are preparing her for a surgery but

> she

> doesn't trust the doctor and there's nobody to care of her unless she pays

> for

> that and

> she doesn't trust anybody anyway. The only person is me, only daughter,

> pretty

> tired of her in good physical health and I just don't know how I'll stand

> the

> next few months. SHe didn't even arrived and I almost can not control my

> nerves. Sometimes I wonder if I have BPD or any other disorder 'cause I

> easily

> lost control when is around and I know that I need to be strong but I'm

> very

> tired already.

> Any suggestions?

>

>

[Guest guest]

Helo MOnica Hatsu. My mother has no cancer but she is in hospital and I'm

the only one to take care for her. Before I had allways lost my temper but

this time I had had enough and I decided to refused to play our games.

She called me (few weeks ago) that she would make a suicide. I told her (

firmly and calmly) that she had to decide that for herself, because that is

her life and that I'm not qualified for helping her but I would suggested

her to go to the hospital to seek some help.

She than made a fake suicide. I called emergency and they brought her to

hospital. She has continued with manipulation in hospital. For example she

was pretending that she had collapsed but her doctor knew all the tricks and

when she found out that her manipulation won't work she became more calm and

she started to cooperate with him ( at least a bit).

I decided to help her but just as much as I can and as much is good for me

too. I've told her (calmly and firmly) that I can come every 7-10 days

without explaining much why. She felt that I mean it and she accepted that.

She claimed that they have treated her badly and I have to fight for her. I

said to her ( calmly and firmly:) that I think the personal is ok and that

they are professionals who knows more that we are. She felt that I mean it

and I won't fell in that trap so she stops it.

Than she refused that social worker who has the keys from her house brings

her some of her clothes. She claimed she doesn't trust her and I have to

gave her some of my clothes. I told her that I don't have any spare clothes

and if she would like to have her own clothes she had to accept help from

social worker. Than I called social worker and permit her to go into house

( nada didn't know that and I still have to see how she would react. But I

have bought her some clothes for Christmas's gift I'll give them to her in

next days.

And because I'm not cooperating in her drama more that I'm willing to and

I'm not giving more that I can give - I'm calm, not angry or frustrated.

And I found out that she is calmer too ( after first big dramas). Somebody

has to stop the old games and old patterns even if nada is in hospital (

anyway - allways is some " emergency " ..)

After all she did to me she should be thankful that I'm even helping her.

If she is not thankfull or she things that it is not enough that is her

problem not mine. I know i give her what I can, my conscious is calm and

clean.

And if FOG is attacking - I have a deep conversation with myself and

remember about what is all about :-) or talk to a good friend who

understands or write something here.

Find out what you are willing and capable of doing , make a plan and

boundaries and than stick to that.

I found out that the fear of what will happened if...is much much worst than

reality itself.

Hope it helps.

Yenaine

2010/12/20 Hatsu

>

>

> For a long time I didn't come here in a attempt to keep away those feelings

> that

> are always surrounding me every time I talk to my Nada or think about her.

> Not checking here was a way to minimize the time thinking about all this

> BPD

> world.

> It was working I think ,'cause she was in the other side of the planet.

> Now I got a big X'mas gift: she's arriving on the X'mas day for a medical

> check

> up (again) 'cause she has a diagnostic of breast cancer level 1.

> In the hospital where she lives, they are preparing her for a surgery but

> she

> doesn't trust the doctor and there's nobody to care of her unless she pays

> for

> that and

> she doesn't trust anybody anyway. The only person is me, only daughter,

> pretty

> tired of her in good physical health and I just don't know how I'll stand

> the

> next few months. SHe didn't even arrived and I almost can not control my

> nerves. Sometimes I wonder if I have BPD or any other disorder 'cause I

> easily

> lost control when is around and I know that I need to be strong but I'm

> very

> tired already.

> Any suggestions?

>

>

[Guest guest]

Helo MOnica Hatsu. My mother has no cancer but she is in hospital and I'm

the only one to take care for her. Before I had allways lost my temper but

this time I had had enough and I decided to refused to play our games.

She called me (few weeks ago) that she would make a suicide. I told her (

firmly and calmly) that she had to decide that for herself, because that is

her life and that I'm not qualified for helping her but I would suggested

her to go to the hospital to seek some help.

She than made a fake suicide. I called emergency and they brought her to

hospital. She has continued with manipulation in hospital. For example she

was pretending that she had collapsed but her doctor knew all the tricks and

when she found out that her manipulation won't work she became more calm and

she started to cooperate with him ( at least a bit).

I decided to help her but just as much as I can and as much is good for me

too. I've told her (calmly and firmly) that I can come every 7-10 days

without explaining much why. She felt that I mean it and she accepted that.

She claimed that they have treated her badly and I have to fight for her. I

said to her ( calmly and firmly:) that I think the personal is ok and that

they are professionals who knows more that we are. She felt that I mean it

and I won't fell in that trap so she stops it.

Than she refused that social worker who has the keys from her house brings

her some of her clothes. She claimed she doesn't trust her and I have to

gave her some of my clothes. I told her that I don't have any spare clothes

and if she would like to have her own clothes she had to accept help from

social worker. Than I called social worker and permit her to go into house

( nada didn't know that and I still have to see how she would react. But I

have bought her some clothes for Christmas's gift I'll give them to her in

next days.

And because I'm not cooperating in her drama more that I'm willing to and

I'm not giving more that I can give - I'm calm, not angry or frustrated.

And I found out that she is calmer too ( after first big dramas). Somebody

has to stop the old games and old patterns even if nada is in hospital (

anyway - allways is some " emergency " ..)

After all she did to me she should be thankful that I'm even helping her.

If she is not thankfull or she things that it is not enough that is her

problem not mine. I know i give her what I can, my conscious is calm and

clean.

And if FOG is attacking - I have a deep conversation with myself and

remember about what is all about :-) or talk to a good friend who

understands or write something here.

Find out what you are willing and capable of doing , make a plan and

boundaries and than stick to that.

I found out that the fear of what will happened if...is much much worst than

reality itself.

Hope it helps.

Yenaine

2010/12/20 Hatsu

>

>

> For a long time I didn't come here in a attempt to keep away those feelings

> that

> are always surrounding me every time I talk to my Nada or think about her.

> Not checking here was a way to minimize the time thinking about all this

> BPD

> world.

> It was working I think ,'cause she was in the other side of the planet.

> Now I got a big X'mas gift: she's arriving on the X'mas day for a medical

> check

> up (again) 'cause she has a diagnostic of breast cancer level 1.

> In the hospital where she lives, they are preparing her for a surgery but

> she

> doesn't trust the doctor and there's nobody to care of her unless she pays

> for

> that and

> she doesn't trust anybody anyway. The only person is me, only daughter,

> pretty

> tired of her in good physical health and I just don't know how I'll stand

> the

> next few months. SHe didn't even arrived and I almost can not control my

> nerves. Sometimes I wonder if I have BPD or any other disorder 'cause I

> easily

> lost control when is around and I know that I need to be strong but I'm

> very

> tired already.

> Any suggestions?

>

>

[Guest guest]

She says 2 months but I just can't trust her anymore 'cause is ALWAYS

manipulation to get the things in the way she wants.

I have a couple of friends but, who wants to hear someone complain about their

mothers? for a " normal " family, you mother visiting you from the other side of

the planet on X'mas day after 1 year without meet = a reason to be happy.

It's hard to " normal " family people to understand how a BPD daughter/son

feels..their reaction makes me feel even more guilt..

I have 2 big friends but they are from here so I can only email them..

thank you Fiona

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tue, December 21, 2010 3:36:59 AM

Subject: Re: Nada coming with cancer

Hi ,

how long is your mother staying with you?

Suggestions...do you have close friends that you can ask to drop by frequently,

just to act as a buffer between her and you?

btw, I think all of us do what you described: stay away from the bp board to

take a break from it. Sigh. It's understandable. Sometimes it's just too much

to think about.

Fiona

>

> For a long time I didn't come here in a attempt to keep away those feelings

>that

>

> are always surrounding me every time I talk to my Nada or think about her.

> Not checking here was a way to minimize the time thinking about all this BPD

> world.

> It was working I think ,'cause she was in the other side of the planet.

> Now I got a big X'mas gift: she's arriving on the X'mas day for a medical

check

>

> up (again) 'cause she has a diagnostic of breast cancer level 1.

> In the hospital where she lives, they are preparing her for a surgery but she

> doesn't trust the doctor and there's nobody to care of her unless she pays for

> that and

> she doesn't trust anybody anyway. The only person is me, only daughter,

pretty

>

> tired of her in good physical health and I just don't know how I'll stand the

> next few months. SHe didn't even arrived and I almost can not control my

> nerves. Sometimes I wonder if I have BPD or any other disorder 'cause I easily

> lost control when is around and I know that I need to be strong but I'm very

> tired already.

> Any suggestions?

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

She says 2 months but I just can't trust her anymore 'cause is ALWAYS

manipulation to get the things in the way she wants.

I have a couple of friends but, who wants to hear someone complain about their

mothers? for a " normal " family, you mother visiting you from the other side of

the planet on X'mas day after 1 year without meet = a reason to be happy.

It's hard to " normal " family people to understand how a BPD daughter/son

feels..their reaction makes me feel even more guilt..

I have 2 big friends but they are from here so I can only email them..

thank you Fiona

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tue, December 21, 2010 3:36:59 AM

Subject: Re: Nada coming with cancer

Hi ,

how long is your mother staying with you?

Suggestions...do you have close friends that you can ask to drop by frequently,

just to act as a buffer between her and you?

btw, I think all of us do what you described: stay away from the bp board to

take a break from it. Sigh. It's understandable. Sometimes it's just too much

to think about.

Fiona

>

> For a long time I didn't come here in a attempt to keep away those feelings

>that

>

> are always surrounding me every time I talk to my Nada or think about her.

> Not checking here was a way to minimize the time thinking about all this BPD

> world.

> It was working I think ,'cause she was in the other side of the planet.

> Now I got a big X'mas gift: she's arriving on the X'mas day for a medical

check

>

> up (again) 'cause she has a diagnostic of breast cancer level 1.

> In the hospital where she lives, they are preparing her for a surgery but she

> doesn't trust the doctor and there's nobody to care of her unless she pays for

> that and

> she doesn't trust anybody anyway. The only person is me, only daughter,

pretty

>

> tired of her in good physical health and I just don't know how I'll stand the

> next few months. SHe didn't even arrived and I almost can not control my

> nerves. Sometimes I wonder if I have BPD or any other disorder 'cause I easily

> lost control when is around and I know that I need to be strong but I'm very

> tired already.

> Any suggestions?

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you Yenaine.

I'll try to work with FOG...yes, it's always after me all the time.

Not to lose my temper is very difficult when I'm with her and always end up

with her screaming she's going to suicide.

How did you control yourself when she attacks you?

I read Stop Walking in Egg Shells, I understood but, I don't why, I just don't

succeed in

not blow up when she starts her game...

the book is great but I can't use the tips when it's necessary..

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tue, December 21, 2010 4:04:25 AM

Subject: Re: Nada coming with cancer

Helo MOnica Hatsu. My mother has no cancer but she is in hospital and I'm

the only one to take care for her. Before I had allways lost my temper but

this time I had had enough and I decided to refused to play our games.

She called me (few weeks ago) that she would make a suicide. I told her (

firmly and calmly) that she had to decide that for herself, because that is

her life and that I'm not qualified for helping her but I would suggested

her to go to the hospital to seek some help.

She than made a fake suicide. I called emergency and they brought her to

hospital. She has continued with manipulation in hospital. For example she

was pretending that she had collapsed but her doctor knew all the tricks and

when she found out that her manipulation won't work she became more calm and

she started to cooperate with him ( at least a bit).

I decided to help her but just as much as I can and as much is good for me

too. I've told her (calmly and firmly) that I can come every 7-10 days

without explaining much why. She felt that I mean it and she accepted that.

She claimed that they have treated her badly and I have to fight for her. I

said to her ( calmly and firmly:) that I think the personal is ok and that

they are professionals who knows more that we are. She felt that I mean it

and I won't fell in that trap so she stops it.

Than she refused that social worker who has the keys from her house brings

her some of her clothes. She claimed she doesn't trust her and I have to

gave her some of my clothes. I told her that I don't have any spare clothes

and if she would like to have her own clothes she had to accept help from

social worker. Than I called social worker and permit her to go into house

( nada didn't know that and I still have to see how she would react. But I

have bought her some clothes for Christmas's gift I'll give them to her in

next days.

And because I'm not cooperating in her drama more that I'm willing to and

I'm not giving more that I can give - I'm calm, not angry or frustrated.

And I found out that she is calmer too ( after first big dramas). Somebody

has to stop the old games and old patterns even if nada is in hospital (

anyway - allways is some " emergency " ..)

After all she did to me she should be thankful that I'm even helping her.

If she is not thankfull or she things that it is not enough that is her

problem not mine. I know i give her what I can, my conscious is calm and

clean.

And if FOG is attacking - I have a deep conversation with myself and

remember about what is all about :-) or talk to a good friend who

understands or write something here.

Find out what you are willing and capable of doing , make a plan and

boundaries and than stick to that.

I found out that the fear of what will happened if...is much much worst than

reality itself.

Hope it helps.

Yenaine

2010/12/20 Hatsu

>

>

> For a long time I didn't come here in a attempt to keep away those feelings

> that

> are always surrounding me every time I talk to my Nada or think about her.

> Not checking here was a way to minimize the time thinking about all this

> BPD

> world.

> It was working I think ,'cause she was in the other side of the planet.

> Now I got a big X'mas gift: she's arriving on the X'mas day for a medical

> check

> up (again) 'cause she has a diagnostic of breast cancer level 1.

> In the hospital where she lives, they are preparing her for a surgery but

> she

> doesn't trust the doctor and there's nobody to care of her unless she pays

> for

> that and

> she doesn't trust anybody anyway. The only person is me, only daughter,

> pretty

> tired of her in good physical health and I just don't know how I'll stand

> the

> next few months. SHe didn't even arrived and I almost can not control my

> nerves. Sometimes I wonder if I have BPD or any other disorder 'cause I

> easily

> lost control when is around and I know that I need to be strong but I'm

> very

> tired already.

> Any suggestions?

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hello !

Before I lost my temper so easily because:

- I felt I'm trapped with her and in her manipulations, lies - and because of

my FOG and because I take more responsibility that I owe it was true - I was

trapped

- Even if I knew she had a problems I didn' really (deep down) accepted that she

is ill and she is not capable of normal reaction, thinking, behaviours.... so I

always take it personal when she did something completely outrageous for me,

what was allmost every time we where together

- I didn't understand she wants me to be angry so she can be victim and I would

be a bad guy and that she would have my full attention if I would be angry

Then I decided I can not live like that anymore. It helps that she did some very

bad and ugly things and I was angry enough not to feel obliged to help her

anymore. I said to myself and to her that I don't want to play this sick games

anymore. She tried everything to manipulate me into usual ways of our

communicating and I completly refuse to care or to react. At the end she made

fake suicide and I just called emergency and told her that it is her life her

decisions and her consequenses I can not help her like she would like me to.

She endedn in hospital and after few weeks she found out she has no excape

anymore and for the first time after many years she is trying to cooperate and

finding her own way out of her miserable life by herself. It would probably be a

long journey and a lot of ups and downs but it goes in right directions. So it

is worth even if at the beginning when you say definite NO looks very bad.

Than I tried to found out what I can and what I want to give her and whene

it becames harmful for me to help her . I stick to that no matter how much she

pushed. I don't feel guilty or oblugued any more because I know that I'm doing

all I can for her and that it is not my responsibility for her decisions or

misery anymore. It is her life and her decisions and her consequences. And thank

good I don't give a s....t what other people would think about that

anymore..:-))

It was ( and still is) a long process bu now I 'm not angry with her anymore

because she would makes my life miserable - I don't allow her anymore more. I

don't feel trap because I don't do anything I don't like to do anymore and I

know she is ill and I know I can not change it or help it. I know I'm not

responsible for her. I lost my illusions and it works better for me and

obviously for her too - because when she found out that the rules are different

she slowly started to change by herself. She would never be ok but now she is at

least bearable.

Hope it helps!

Yenaine

>

> Thank you Yenaine.

> I'll try to work with FOG...yes, it's always after me all the time.

> Not to lose my temper is very difficult when I'm with her and always end up

> with her screaming she's going to suicide.

> How did you control yourself when she attacks you?

> I read Stop Walking in Egg Shells, I understood but, I don't why, I just don't

> succeed in

>

> not blow up when she starts her game...

> the book is great but I can't use the tips when it's necessary..

>

>

>

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Tue, December 21, 2010 4:04:25 AM

> Subject: Re: Nada coming with cancer

>

> Helo MOnica Hatsu. My mother has no cancer but she is in hospital and I'm

> the only one to take care for her. Before I had allways lost my temper but

> this time I had had enough and I decided to refused to play our games.

>

> She called me (few weeks ago) that she would make a suicide. I told her (

> firmly and calmly) that she had to decide that for herself, because that is

> her life and that I'm not qualified for helping her but I would suggested

> her to go to the hospital to seek some help.

>

> She than made a fake suicide. I called emergency and they brought her to

> hospital. She has continued with manipulation in hospital. For example she

> was pretending that she had collapsed but her doctor knew all the tricks and

> when she found out that her manipulation won't work she became more calm and

> she started to cooperate with him ( at least a bit).

>

> I decided to help her but just as much as I can and as much is good for me

> too. I've told her (calmly and firmly) that I can come every 7-10 days

> without explaining much why. She felt that I mean it and she accepted that.

> She claimed that they have treated her badly and I have to fight for her. I

> said to her ( calmly and firmly:) that I think the personal is ok and that

> they are professionals who knows more that we are. She felt that I mean it

> and I won't fell in that trap so she stops it.

>

> Than she refused that social worker who has the keys from her house brings

> her some of her clothes. She claimed she doesn't trust her and I have to

> gave her some of my clothes. I told her that I don't have any spare clothes

> and if she would like to have her own clothes she had to accept help from

> social worker. Than I called social worker and permit her to go into house

> ( nada didn't know that and I still have to see how she would react. But I

> have bought her some clothes for Christmas's gift I'll give them to her in

> next days.

>

> And because I'm not cooperating in her drama more that I'm willing to and

> I'm not giving more that I can give - I'm calm, not angry or frustrated.

> And I found out that she is calmer too ( after first big dramas). Somebody

> has to stop the old games and old patterns even if nada is in hospital (

> anyway - allways is some " emergency " ..)

>

> After all she did to me she should be thankful that I'm even helping her.

> If she is not thankfull or she things that it is not enough that is her

> problem not mine. I know i give her what I can, my conscious is calm and

> clean.

>

> And if FOG is attacking - I have a deep conversation with myself and

> remember about what is all about :-) or talk to a good friend who

> understands or write something here.

>

> Find out what you are willing and capable of doing , make a plan and

> boundaries and than stick to that.

>

> I found out that the fear of what will happened if...is much much worst than

> reality itself.

>

> Hope it helps.

> Yenaine

>

>

> 2010/12/20 Hatsu

>

> >

> >

> > For a long time I didn't come here in a attempt to keep away those feelings

> > that

> > are always surrounding me every time I talk to my Nada or think about her.

> > Not checking here was a way to minimize the time thinking about all this

> > BPD

> > world.

> > It was working I think ,'cause she was in the other side of the planet.

> > Now I got a big X'mas gift: she's arriving on the X'mas day for a medical

> > check

> > up (again) 'cause she has a diagnostic of breast cancer level 1.

> > In the hospital where she lives, they are preparing her for a surgery but

> > she

> > doesn't trust the doctor and there's nobody to care of her unless she pays

> > for

> > that and

> > she doesn't trust anybody anyway. The only person is me, only daughter,

> > pretty

> > tired of her in good physical health and I just don't know how I'll stand

> > the

> > next few months. SHe didn't even arrived and I almost can not control my

> > nerves. Sometimes I wonder if I have BPD or any other disorder 'cause I

> > easily

> > lost control when is around and I know that I need to be strong but I'm

> > very

> > tired already.

> > Any suggestions?

> >

> >