Re: My cat died

[Guest guest]

Oh I am just reading this. I'm so very sorry for your loss. The

stages of grief are going to come on very intensely now, and you will be in my

prayers completely. There is a sanctity in this moment, when you lose a family

member like that, and I hope it will help get you through.

I agree completely with what Annie said...when it comes to pets, that final act

is an unselfish thing we can do for them. A year ago, just before Christmas, I

had to put to sleep the beautiful little dog I had raised for ten years. I felt

many of the same things you're describing, especially a sense of helplessness

that I couldn't keep her alive, that I couldn't have done more to ease her

suffering. One thing the vet told me, that I now understand, is that whatever

causes our pets to pass, 'it's always bad', he said. Of course it's bad, or

they wouldn't die from it. I also heard my dog saying 'thank you' to me, and I

know your cat is also saying 'thank you' to you. , don't think that

you betrayed him in any way. He knew what was happening, I swear, and he was

grateful to you! I know that with my dog, I would make the mistake of

projecting my betrayed three year old self into her, because she had a three

year old's consciousness, and it made me panic about her suffering. But I did

NOT betray her, I protected her and helped her through as much as was in my

power, which is why she never shied away but came towards me at the end. And I

know the same thing happened with you and your kitty.

Take care, thoughts with you!

Charlie

> > >

> > > I'm so sorry your sweet fuzzy friend got so sick. It certainly wasn't your

fault and you were there for him all the way. When our last cat passed away from

cancer, I wasn't home. I was on a field trip with a bunch of high school kids.

My husband held her in his arms when she passed. It was so painful for him.

> > >

> > > As for euthanasia, in my line of work it's referred to as " the other

release. " I work with wild animals that are orphaned or injured. Our goal is to

help them heal and then release them back into the wild. That's not always

possible. Then I have to make the decision to euthanize. It's never easy, I

always apologize when I have to do it and then I try to make it as peaceful as

possible. But allowing them to suffer in pain and fear is not the kind thing to

do. You did the gentle, loving thing by allowing him to fade into that deep

sleep.

> > >

> > > Give yourself time to heal. Some people may say it was just a cat but the

love you feel is just as real and strong.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

,

I know how you feel. Fiasco passed away a couple of months ago. He passed in my

arms due to kidney disease. He was doing okay, then suddenly started having

seizures. A day later he stopped breathing during one of these in my arms in the

middle of the night. I had, had him for 13 years, and for the past six, I had

lived on my own with just him to keep me company. He had always been there for

me when my family wasn't, particularly my Nada. He knew what it was to love

unconditionally, he was my laughter and my calm. This was my first Christmas

without him. I has been the worst year of my life and the hardest to lose him. I

have gone no contact with my nada and my family blames it all on me and just

wants to brush it all under the rug. I wrote a letter to my sisters trying to

explain everything and making myself vulnerable and they rejected me. And as I

mentioned, blamed everything on me. As I said, not an easy year, and made me

miss him all the more. He was the only family member I could really count on,

and the one I knew that truly loved me and I knew without a doubt that I loved

him and would always do what was best for him. I would put extra effort to do

things for him that I wouldn't bother to do for myself.

It still hurts, but I remember that he loved me and no matter where he is, he

was a good soul and I trust that he is now in a good place. And even though I

can't be with him for now, I know he still loves me. He wasn't a 'beautiful' cat

to others either. He had big yellow eyes and always looked a little startled.

But he was my little boy.

I have no doubt that your Bunny, as such a good soul is in a good place now. And

your Bunny still loves you, even if he can't be with you in this world at this

time. No matter where he is, he still loves you and will continue to do so. And

animals are such amazing creatures. They don't seem to have the doubt that we

have. Like my Fiasco, he knows that you loved him and did everything you could

for him, no matter how much it hurt you. They teach us such amazing lessons

don't they? It is so hard to go on without them, they enrich our lives so much.

And although it is hard, try not to remember the loss, but remember how much he

gave you in life. Fiasco's antics still make me laugh when I remember them. I

can almost see him, sitting in his corner (the best one in the house that gets

all the sun!). It's easy to forget sometimes, but I have no doubt that Bunny had

his ways of showing you how much he cared, remember those. For Fiasco, food was

his number one thing. But those last couple of years, he would not eat dinner

until he had come and given me a cuddle first and said a proper hello. That was

a big sacrifice for him! Whenever I was sick, he knew and would not leave my

side. And he knew the difference between me being sick and me being lazy (and he

wouldn't let me get away with the latter!). Why do you think Bunny had such

faith in you at the end, it was because he knew he could trust you, he didn't

doubt that and that you would do what was best for him, no doubt like you had

always done.

It is hard and it takes time, I am still working through it and just hoping to

get through the Christmas / New Year as I miss Fiasco so much. Just don't

forget, Bunny loved you unconditionally and he still does, no matter where he

is, that will never change.

All the best , Bunny was lucky to have shared his life with you.

[Guest guest]

,

I know how you feel. Fiasco passed away a couple of months ago. He passed in my

arms due to kidney disease. He was doing okay, then suddenly started having

seizures. A day later he stopped breathing during one of these in my arms in the

middle of the night. I had, had him for 13 years, and for the past six, I had

lived on my own with just him to keep me company. He had always been there for

me when my family wasn't, particularly my Nada. He knew what it was to love

unconditionally, he was my laughter and my calm. This was my first Christmas

without him. I has been the worst year of my life and the hardest to lose him. I

have gone no contact with my nada and my family blames it all on me and just

wants to brush it all under the rug. I wrote a letter to my sisters trying to

explain everything and making myself vulnerable and they rejected me. And as I

mentioned, blamed everything on me. As I said, not an easy year, and made me

miss him all the more. He was the only family member I could really count on,

and the one I knew that truly loved me and I knew without a doubt that I loved

him and would always do what was best for him. I would put extra effort to do

things for him that I wouldn't bother to do for myself.

It still hurts, but I remember that he loved me and no matter where he is, he

was a good soul and I trust that he is now in a good place. And even though I

can't be with him for now, I know he still loves me. He wasn't a 'beautiful' cat

to others either. He had big yellow eyes and always looked a little startled.

But he was my little boy.

I have no doubt that your Bunny, as such a good soul is in a good place now. And

your Bunny still loves you, even if he can't be with you in this world at this

time. No matter where he is, he still loves you and will continue to do so. And

animals are such amazing creatures. They don't seem to have the doubt that we

have. Like my Fiasco, he knows that you loved him and did everything you could

for him, no matter how much it hurt you. They teach us such amazing lessons

don't they? It is so hard to go on without them, they enrich our lives so much.

And although it is hard, try not to remember the loss, but remember how much he

gave you in life. Fiasco's antics still make me laugh when I remember them. I

can almost see him, sitting in his corner (the best one in the house that gets

all the sun!). It's easy to forget sometimes, but I have no doubt that Bunny had

his ways of showing you how much he cared, remember those. For Fiasco, food was

his number one thing. But those last couple of years, he would not eat dinner

until he had come and given me a cuddle first and said a proper hello. That was

a big sacrifice for him! Whenever I was sick, he knew and would not leave my

side. And he knew the difference between me being sick and me being lazy (and he

wouldn't let me get away with the latter!). Why do you think Bunny had such

faith in you at the end, it was because he knew he could trust you, he didn't

doubt that and that you would do what was best for him, no doubt like you had

always done.

It is hard and it takes time, I am still working through it and just hoping to

get through the Christmas / New Year as I miss Fiasco so much. Just don't

forget, Bunny loved you unconditionally and he still does, no matter where he

is, that will never change.

All the best , Bunny was lucky to have shared his life with you.

[Guest guest]

Charlie thank you for your prayers and understanding.My condolences for the loss

of your beautiful little dog--it's damned tough for them to have to go just

before Christmas! I think I'm also projecting nada/fada's abandonment

accusations and my own betrayal issues into the scenario with Bunny,plus it's

just caused a huge unraveling of trauma content.I was traumatized several times

about animals dying,long stories.Since he died I've been having dreams where my

abusers appear and I confront them directly and tell them directly that they're

evil,a first.

Thank you so much for validating my feelings and for sharing your

experience.It's been so helpful having support from other KOs--otherwise I think

I'd just feel like my grief is " wrong " and a mess.But there are reasons why it's

playing out this way.

>

> Oh I am just reading this. I'm so very sorry for your loss. The

stages of grief are going to come on very intensely now, and you will be in my

prayers completely. There is a sanctity in this moment, when you lose a family

member like that, and I hope it will help get you through.

>

> I agree completely with what Annie said...when it comes to pets, that final

act is an unselfish thing we can do for them. A year ago, just before

Christmas, I had to put to sleep the beautiful little dog I had raised for ten

years. I felt many of the same things you're describing, especially a sense of

helplessness that I couldn't keep her alive, that I couldn't have done more to

ease her suffering. One thing the vet told me, that I now understand, is that

whatever causes our pets to pass, 'it's always bad', he said. Of course it's

bad, or they wouldn't die from it. I also heard my dog saying 'thank you' to

me, and I know your cat is also saying 'thank you' to you. , don't

think that you betrayed him in any way. He knew what was happening, I swear,

and he was grateful to you! I know that with my dog, I would make the mistake

of projecting my betrayed three year old self into her, because she had a three

year old's consciousness, and it made me panic about her suffering. But I did

NOT betray her, I protected her and helped her through as much as was in my

power, which is why she never shied away but came towards me at the end. And I

know the same thing happened with you and your kitty.

>

> Take care, thoughts with you!

> Charlie

[Guest guest]

Charlie thank you for your prayers and understanding.My condolences for the loss

of your beautiful little dog--it's damned tough for them to have to go just

before Christmas! I think I'm also projecting nada/fada's abandonment

accusations and my own betrayal issues into the scenario with Bunny,plus it's

just caused a huge unraveling of trauma content.I was traumatized several times

about animals dying,long stories.Since he died I've been having dreams where my

abusers appear and I confront them directly and tell them directly that they're

evil,a first.

Thank you so much for validating my feelings and for sharing your

experience.It's been so helpful having support from other KOs--otherwise I think

I'd just feel like my grief is " wrong " and a mess.But there are reasons why it's

playing out this way.

>

> Oh I am just reading this. I'm so very sorry for your loss. The

stages of grief are going to come on very intensely now, and you will be in my

prayers completely. There is a sanctity in this moment, when you lose a family

member like that, and I hope it will help get you through.

>

> I agree completely with what Annie said...when it comes to pets, that final

act is an unselfish thing we can do for them. A year ago, just before

Christmas, I had to put to sleep the beautiful little dog I had raised for ten

years. I felt many of the same things you're describing, especially a sense of

helplessness that I couldn't keep her alive, that I couldn't have done more to

ease her suffering. One thing the vet told me, that I now understand, is that

whatever causes our pets to pass, 'it's always bad', he said. Of course it's

bad, or they wouldn't die from it. I also heard my dog saying 'thank you' to

me, and I know your cat is also saying 'thank you' to you. , don't

think that you betrayed him in any way. He knew what was happening, I swear,

and he was grateful to you! I know that with my dog, I would make the mistake

of projecting my betrayed three year old self into her, because she had a three

year old's consciousness, and it made me panic about her suffering. But I did

NOT betray her, I protected her and helped her through as much as was in my

power, which is why she never shied away but came towards me at the end. And I

know the same thing happened with you and your kitty.

>

> Take care, thoughts with you!

> Charlie

[Guest guest]

Charlie thank you for your prayers and understanding.My condolences for the loss

of your beautiful little dog--it's damned tough for them to have to go just

before Christmas! I think I'm also projecting nada/fada's abandonment

accusations and my own betrayal issues into the scenario with Bunny,plus it's

just caused a huge unraveling of trauma content.I was traumatized several times

about animals dying,long stories.Since he died I've been having dreams where my

abusers appear and I confront them directly and tell them directly that they're

evil,a first.

Thank you so much for validating my feelings and for sharing your

experience.It's been so helpful having support from other KOs--otherwise I think

I'd just feel like my grief is " wrong " and a mess.But there are reasons why it's

playing out this way.

>

> Oh I am just reading this. I'm so very sorry for your loss. The

stages of grief are going to come on very intensely now, and you will be in my

prayers completely. There is a sanctity in this moment, when you lose a family

member like that, and I hope it will help get you through.

>

> I agree completely with what Annie said...when it comes to pets, that final

act is an unselfish thing we can do for them. A year ago, just before

Christmas, I had to put to sleep the beautiful little dog I had raised for ten

years. I felt many of the same things you're describing, especially a sense of

helplessness that I couldn't keep her alive, that I couldn't have done more to

ease her suffering. One thing the vet told me, that I now understand, is that

whatever causes our pets to pass, 'it's always bad', he said. Of course it's

bad, or they wouldn't die from it. I also heard my dog saying 'thank you' to

me, and I know your cat is also saying 'thank you' to you. , don't

think that you betrayed him in any way. He knew what was happening, I swear,

and he was grateful to you! I know that with my dog, I would make the mistake

of projecting my betrayed three year old self into her, because she had a three

year old's consciousness, and it made me panic about her suffering. But I did

NOT betray her, I protected her and helped her through as much as was in my

power, which is why she never shied away but came towards me at the end. And I

know the same thing happened with you and your kitty.

>

> Take care, thoughts with you!

> Charlie

[Guest guest]

Tala Aislin,thank you so much for your sympathy for me and Bunny.I'm sorry you

lost Fiasco.He was lucky to have shared his life with you,too! I had a " nurse "

type cat in childhood--cats that know when we're sick and won't leave our side

are really amazing.It *is* hard to go on without them because they truly do give

us so much love.

My FOO blames me for everything too and my brother in particular will

not let go of his conditioning to demonize me.Yet my pets love me and trust

me--most of the time this is a wonderful feeling.This wasn't the best time for

me to lose Bunny,either,because for the past year I've been ending the

relationships in my life that aren't healthy or giving and just in general it's

been quite an intense year where I've pared it all down to the stark

essentials.For the past couple of years I've been the one at work who

volunteered to work all the holiday hours and take my vacation at other times of

the year...this year I finally took my " turn " to be off around Christmas

thinking I'd use it to touch base with myself and concentrate on where I want to

go in the new year--and then this...So I understand how losing Fiasco this year

makes it even harder.

Their unconditional,pure love is such a gift.I'm glad you are able to be

cheered now by memories of Fiasco's antics.I'll get there with Bunny...Thank you

for understanding the good soul part of it.I can't imagine that such good souls

wouldn't go to a good place.

And thank you so much for your kindness.I feel like you guys have been

sort of " sitting shivah " with this fellow KO and comforting me in my mourning

and it has helped more than I can express.

All the best to you too and all my best wishes for a peaceful and joyous

new year

>

> ,

>

> I know how you feel. Fiasco passed away a couple of months ago. He passed in

my arms due to kidney disease. He was doing okay, then suddenly started having

seizures. A day later he stopped breathing during one of these in my arms in the

middle of the night. I had, had him for 13 years, and for the past six, I had

lived on my own with just him to keep me company. He had always been there for

me when my family wasn't, particularly my Nada. He knew what it was to love

unconditionally, he was my laughter and my calm. This was my first Christmas

without him. I has been the worst year of my life and the hardest to lose him. I

have gone no contact with my nada and my family blames it all on me and just

wants to brush it all under the rug. I wrote a letter to my sisters trying to

explain everything and making myself vulnerable and they rejected me. And as I

mentioned, blamed everything on me. As I said, not an easy year, and made me

miss him all the more. He was the only family member I could really count on,

and the one I knew that truly loved me and I knew without a doubt that I loved

him and would always do what was best for him. I would put extra effort to do

things for him that I wouldn't bother to do for myself.

>

> It still hurts, but I remember that he loved me and no matter where he is, he

was a good soul and I trust that he is now in a good place. And even though I

can't be with him for now, I know he still loves me. He wasn't a 'beautiful' cat

to others either. He had big yellow eyes and always looked a little startled.

But he was my little boy.

>

> I have no doubt that your Bunny, as such a good soul is in a good place now.

And your Bunny still loves you, even if he can't be with you in this world at

this time. No matter where he is, he still loves you and will continue to do so.

And animals are such amazing creatures. They don't seem to have the doubt that

we have. Like my Fiasco, he knows that you loved him and did everything you

could for him, no matter how much it hurt you. They teach us such amazing

lessons don't they? It is so hard to go on without them, they enrich our lives

so much. And although it is hard, try not to remember the loss, but remember how

much he gave you in life. Fiasco's antics still make me laugh when I remember

them. I can almost see him, sitting in his corner (the best one in the house

that gets all the sun!). It's easy to forget sometimes, but I have no doubt that

Bunny had his ways of showing you how much he cared, remember those. For Fiasco,

food was his number one thing. But those last couple of years, he would not eat

dinner until he had come and given me a cuddle first and said a proper hello.

That was a big sacrifice for him! Whenever I was sick, he knew and would not

leave my side. And he knew the difference between me being sick and me being

lazy (and he wouldn't let me get away with the latter!). Why do you think Bunny

had such faith in you at the end, it was because he knew he could trust you, he

didn't doubt that and that you would do what was best for him, no doubt like you

had always done.

>

> It is hard and it takes time, I am still working through it and just hoping to

get through the Christmas / New Year as I miss Fiasco so much. Just don't

forget, Bunny loved you unconditionally and he still does, no matter where he

is, that will never change.

>

> All the best , Bunny was lucky to have shared his life with you.

>

[Guest guest]

Tala Aislin,thank you so much for your sympathy for me and Bunny.I'm sorry you

lost Fiasco.He was lucky to have shared his life with you,too! I had a " nurse "

type cat in childhood--cats that know when we're sick and won't leave our side

are really amazing.It *is* hard to go on without them because they truly do give

us so much love.

My FOO blames me for everything too and my brother in particular will

not let go of his conditioning to demonize me.Yet my pets love me and trust

me--most of the time this is a wonderful feeling.This wasn't the best time for

me to lose Bunny,either,because for the past year I've been ending the

relationships in my life that aren't healthy or giving and just in general it's

been quite an intense year where I've pared it all down to the stark

essentials.For the past couple of years I've been the one at work who

volunteered to work all the holiday hours and take my vacation at other times of

the year...this year I finally took my " turn " to be off around Christmas

thinking I'd use it to touch base with myself and concentrate on where I want to

go in the new year--and then this...So I understand how losing Fiasco this year

makes it even harder.

Their unconditional,pure love is such a gift.I'm glad you are able to be

cheered now by memories of Fiasco's antics.I'll get there with Bunny...Thank you

for understanding the good soul part of it.I can't imagine that such good souls

wouldn't go to a good place.

And thank you so much for your kindness.I feel like you guys have been

sort of " sitting shivah " with this fellow KO and comforting me in my mourning

and it has helped more than I can express.

All the best to you too and all my best wishes for a peaceful and joyous

new year

>

> ,

>

> I know how you feel. Fiasco passed away a couple of months ago. He passed in

my arms due to kidney disease. He was doing okay, then suddenly started having

seizures. A day later he stopped breathing during one of these in my arms in the

middle of the night. I had, had him for 13 years, and for the past six, I had

lived on my own with just him to keep me company. He had always been there for

me when my family wasn't, particularly my Nada. He knew what it was to love

unconditionally, he was my laughter and my calm. This was my first Christmas

without him. I has been the worst year of my life and the hardest to lose him. I

have gone no contact with my nada and my family blames it all on me and just

wants to brush it all under the rug. I wrote a letter to my sisters trying to

explain everything and making myself vulnerable and they rejected me. And as I

mentioned, blamed everything on me. As I said, not an easy year, and made me

miss him all the more. He was the only family member I could really count on,

and the one I knew that truly loved me and I knew without a doubt that I loved

him and would always do what was best for him. I would put extra effort to do

things for him that I wouldn't bother to do for myself.

>

> It still hurts, but I remember that he loved me and no matter where he is, he

was a good soul and I trust that he is now in a good place. And even though I

can't be with him for now, I know he still loves me. He wasn't a 'beautiful' cat

to others either. He had big yellow eyes and always looked a little startled.

But he was my little boy.

>

> I have no doubt that your Bunny, as such a good soul is in a good place now.

And your Bunny still loves you, even if he can't be with you in this world at

this time. No matter where he is, he still loves you and will continue to do so.

And animals are such amazing creatures. They don't seem to have the doubt that

we have. Like my Fiasco, he knows that you loved him and did everything you

could for him, no matter how much it hurt you. They teach us such amazing

lessons don't they? It is so hard to go on without them, they enrich our lives

so much. And although it is hard, try not to remember the loss, but remember how

much he gave you in life. Fiasco's antics still make me laugh when I remember

them. I can almost see him, sitting in his corner (the best one in the house

that gets all the sun!). It's easy to forget sometimes, but I have no doubt that

Bunny had his ways of showing you how much he cared, remember those. For Fiasco,

food was his number one thing. But those last couple of years, he would not eat

dinner until he had come and given me a cuddle first and said a proper hello.

That was a big sacrifice for him! Whenever I was sick, he knew and would not

leave my side. And he knew the difference between me being sick and me being

lazy (and he wouldn't let me get away with the latter!). Why do you think Bunny

had such faith in you at the end, it was because he knew he could trust you, he

didn't doubt that and that you would do what was best for him, no doubt like you

had always done.

>

> It is hard and it takes time, I am still working through it and just hoping to

get through the Christmas / New Year as I miss Fiasco so much. Just don't

forget, Bunny loved you unconditionally and he still does, no matter where he

is, that will never change.

>

> All the best , Bunny was lucky to have shared his life with you.

>

[Guest guest]

((((())))) I'm so sorry for your loss - for real. I think when there's

such a hole left by not having a mother's love, the pure love we share with our

pets reaches so very deeply. I lost a cat who I felt very similarly about to

your Bunny and the loss ripped me in half, more than for any human I've lost. I

believe that we will see them again and I like to believe in those who say their

spirits can still visit us in this life as well. Please give yourself plenty of

time and permission to grieve and if any jerk says it was " only a cat " feel free

to deck them.

[Guest guest]

((((())))) I'm so sorry for your loss - for real. I think when there's

such a hole left by not having a mother's love, the pure love we share with our

pets reaches so very deeply. I lost a cat who I felt very similarly about to

your Bunny and the loss ripped me in half, more than for any human I've lost. I

believe that we will see them again and I like to believe in those who say their

spirits can still visit us in this life as well. Please give yourself plenty of

time and permission to grieve and if any jerk says it was " only a cat " feel free

to deck them.

[Guest guest]

((((())))) I'm so sorry for your loss - for real. I think when there's

such a hole left by not having a mother's love, the pure love we share with our

pets reaches so very deeply. I lost a cat who I felt very similarly about to

your Bunny and the loss ripped me in half, more than for any human I've lost. I

believe that we will see them again and I like to believe in those who say their

spirits can still visit us in this life as well. Please give yourself plenty of

time and permission to grieve and if any jerk says it was " only a cat " feel free

to deck them.

[Guest guest]

Thank you,!

What you said about " decking a jerk " made me chuckle

I was such a different person back when I first found Bunny and although

I've gone through so many changes since then he has always been the same loving

steady presence in my life.He was chucked from a car one hot summer night then

for a couple of days afterward there were heavy thunder/lightning storms--just

the thought of that poor little kitten abandoned like that to his fate and to

the elements pissed me off so much I wrote an editorial to the small town

newspaper where he was dumped wanting to shame the creep who did it.

My editorial got so many responses,all of them positive.I was expecting

at least one smart ass to write in saying I was full of shit to sound off about

some cat,but the responses were all people agreeing with me.Someone came forward

offering to pay in full to have him neutered.Another person offered to give me

kitty litter and food until I found a good home for him.Which was my plan at the

time--I didn't intend to keep him.I had plenty of people contact me interested

in adopting him,but when they met him (he was odd looking because he had weird

long stringy fur),they weren't so sure...and I didn't want give him to anyone

unless they really wanted him and would really love him...so I ended up keeping

him.But I did meet some really nice people from that editorial and that was a

shot in the arm because my return to the States was shaping up to be a

disaster--nada was being awful and fada too and I had forgotten...how awful they

were...

When he died I wanted to write an obituary for him in that same small

town newspaper.It seemed fitting somehow but my emotions were--and are--too

raw.And I wouldn't want people snorting at the idea of an obit for what was

" only a cat " when what he really was,was a pure spirit...If I can find the right

words to express that,I'm going to write a final editorial about him to that

newspaper.

Because,you know,when fada died I wrote this bullshit obit for him when

I *wished* that I could write the truth: he was a terrible father and a dishrag

to his wife...I fantasize about writing an honest obit for nada,too,when the

time comes but I don't know if I will.

Ironically,in the context of an obit,all the good things I could say

about Bunny are *true*!!!!!!

Thank you for your kind understanding and my sympathy for the loss of

your own dear cat.

>

> ((((())))) I'm so sorry for your loss - for real. I think when

there's such a hole left by not having a mother's love, the pure love we share

with our pets reaches so very deeply. I lost a cat who I felt very similarly

about to your Bunny and the loss ripped me in half, more than for any human I've

lost. I believe that we will see them again and I like to believe in those who

say their spirits can still visit us in this life as well. Please give yourself

plenty of time and permission to grieve and if any jerk says it was " only a cat "

feel free to deck them.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you,!

What you said about " decking a jerk " made me chuckle

I was such a different person back when I first found Bunny and although

I've gone through so many changes since then he has always been the same loving

steady presence in my life.He was chucked from a car one hot summer night then

for a couple of days afterward there were heavy thunder/lightning storms--just

the thought of that poor little kitten abandoned like that to his fate and to

the elements pissed me off so much I wrote an editorial to the small town

newspaper where he was dumped wanting to shame the creep who did it.

My editorial got so many responses,all of them positive.I was expecting

at least one smart ass to write in saying I was full of shit to sound off about

some cat,but the responses were all people agreeing with me.Someone came forward

offering to pay in full to have him neutered.Another person offered to give me

kitty litter and food until I found a good home for him.Which was my plan at the

time--I didn't intend to keep him.I had plenty of people contact me interested

in adopting him,but when they met him (he was odd looking because he had weird

long stringy fur),they weren't so sure...and I didn't want give him to anyone

unless they really wanted him and would really love him...so I ended up keeping

him.But I did meet some really nice people from that editorial and that was a

shot in the arm because my return to the States was shaping up to be a

disaster--nada was being awful and fada too and I had forgotten...how awful they

were...

When he died I wanted to write an obituary for him in that same small

town newspaper.It seemed fitting somehow but my emotions were--and are--too

raw.And I wouldn't want people snorting at the idea of an obit for what was

" only a cat " when what he really was,was a pure spirit...If I can find the right

words to express that,I'm going to write a final editorial about him to that

newspaper.

Because,you know,when fada died I wrote this bullshit obit for him when

I *wished* that I could write the truth: he was a terrible father and a dishrag

to his wife...I fantasize about writing an honest obit for nada,too,when the

time comes but I don't know if I will.

Ironically,in the context of an obit,all the good things I could say

about Bunny are *true*!!!!!!

Thank you for your kind understanding and my sympathy for the loss of

your own dear cat.

>

> ((((())))) I'm so sorry for your loss - for real. I think when

there's such a hole left by not having a mother's love, the pure love we share

with our pets reaches so very deeply. I lost a cat who I felt very similarly

about to your Bunny and the loss ripped me in half, more than for any human I've

lost. I believe that we will see them again and I like to believe in those who

say their spirits can still visit us in this life as well. Please give yourself

plenty of time and permission to grieve and if any jerk says it was " only a cat "

feel free to deck them.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh , write the obituary .... when you are ready and not so raw. You

will touch so many cat lovers who are made to feel silly about their love for

their animals. Animals are gifts from the Goddess and teach us so many things

as you have shared here. Your whole story of how you saved him and the letter

to the paper...that was just FANTASTIC! You are my hero!

I know your feelings are raw, but a friend told me after i had to euthanize my

baby and felt such horrible guilt - she said, " you freed his little kitty

spirit from the suffering and for that he will always be with you and always

love you. " What a dear one you are to have been there for him. Animals know

when it is their time and I think they embrace it more easily than we do - they

trust the Universe so much more. That's what I think, anyway.

I had my Bubba creamated and still keep his ashes and a bit of his fur. A fellow

cat lover suggested it so I could keep him with me always. I included the note

from my friend in his kitty urn and if I start feeling badly about his death, I

read it to remind me that I did everything I could to try to save him. But in

the end, he had to go on to kitty heaven.

Hang in there,

> >

> > ((((())))) I'm so sorry for your loss - for real. I think when

there's such a hole left by not having a mother's love, the pure love we share

with our pets reaches so very deeply. I lost a cat who I felt very similarly

about to your Bunny and the loss ripped me in half, more than for any human I've

lost. I believe that we will see them again and I like to believe in those who

say their spirits can still visit us in this life as well. Please give yourself

plenty of time and permission to grieve and if any jerk says it was " only a cat "

feel free to deck them.

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Oh , write the obituary .... when you are ready and not so raw. You

will touch so many cat lovers who are made to feel silly about their love for

their animals. Animals are gifts from the Goddess and teach us so many things

as you have shared here. Your whole story of how you saved him and the letter

to the paper...that was just FANTASTIC! You are my hero!

I know your feelings are raw, but a friend told me after i had to euthanize my

baby and felt such horrible guilt - she said, " you freed his little kitty

spirit from the suffering and for that he will always be with you and always

love you. " What a dear one you are to have been there for him. Animals know

when it is their time and I think they embrace it more easily than we do - they

trust the Universe so much more. That's what I think, anyway.

I had my Bubba creamated and still keep his ashes and a bit of his fur. A fellow

cat lover suggested it so I could keep him with me always. I included the note

from my friend in his kitty urn and if I start feeling badly about his death, I

read it to remind me that I did everything I could to try to save him. But in

the end, he had to go on to kitty heaven.

Hang in there,

> >

> > ((((())))) I'm so sorry for your loss - for real. I think when

there's such a hole left by not having a mother's love, the pure love we share

with our pets reaches so very deeply. I lost a cat who I felt very similarly

about to your Bunny and the loss ripped me in half, more than for any human I've

lost. I believe that we will see them again and I like to believe in those who

say their spirits can still visit us in this life as well. Please give yourself

plenty of time and permission to grieve and if any jerk says it was " only a cat "

feel free to deck them.

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much,.That's a very healing thought,actually,that our pets

trust the Universe so much more than we do.I completely didn't think of that and

I thank you for offering that perspective.Certainly,Bunny didn't die with the

painful questioning and existential despair that I have.

That might be a point to make somehow in whatever obit/editorial I write

about him.I feel like a part of me has also died,all the reasons for that would

need a separate topic and I don't know if I could even explain it,but I feel

like I need to work those feelings through before I can write a tribute to

Bunny.I can't talk about it,it's related to me being abused as an infant and

being sexually abused and it's too much and too intense to detail.

That's good that you have Bubba's ashes and that in that way you are able

to keep him with you always.I can tell that you loved him very much and I agree

with your friend that you freed his spirit and for that he'll always be with you

and always love you.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts

>

> Oh , write the obituary .... when you are ready and not so raw. You

will touch so many cat lovers who are made to feel silly about their love for

their animals. Animals are gifts from the Goddess and teach us so many things

as you have shared here. Your whole story of how you saved him and the letter

to the paper...that was just FANTASTIC! You are my hero!

>

> I know your feelings are raw, but a friend told me after i had to euthanize my

baby and felt such horrible guilt - she said, " you freed his little kitty

spirit from the suffering and for that he will always be with you and always

love you. " What a dear one you are to have been there for him. Animals know

when it is their time and I think they embrace it more easily than we do - they

trust the Universe so much more. That's what I think, anyway.

>

> I had my Bubba creamated and still keep his ashes and a bit of his fur. A

fellow cat lover suggested it so I could keep him with me always. I included

the note from my friend in his kitty urn and if I start feeling badly about his

death, I read it to remind me that I did everything I could to try to save him.

But in the end, he had to go on to kitty heaven.

>

> Hang in there,

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much,.That's a very healing thought,actually,that our pets

trust the Universe so much more than we do.I completely didn't think of that and

I thank you for offering that perspective.Certainly,Bunny didn't die with the

painful questioning and existential despair that I have.

That might be a point to make somehow in whatever obit/editorial I write

about him.I feel like a part of me has also died,all the reasons for that would

need a separate topic and I don't know if I could even explain it,but I feel

like I need to work those feelings through before I can write a tribute to

Bunny.I can't talk about it,it's related to me being abused as an infant and

being sexually abused and it's too much and too intense to detail.

That's good that you have Bubba's ashes and that in that way you are able

to keep him with you always.I can tell that you loved him very much and I agree

with your friend that you freed his spirit and for that he'll always be with you

and always love you.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts

>

> Oh , write the obituary .... when you are ready and not so raw. You

will touch so many cat lovers who are made to feel silly about their love for

their animals. Animals are gifts from the Goddess and teach us so many things

as you have shared here. Your whole story of how you saved him and the letter

to the paper...that was just FANTASTIC! You are my hero!

>

> I know your feelings are raw, but a friend told me after i had to euthanize my

baby and felt such horrible guilt - she said, " you freed his little kitty

spirit from the suffering and for that he will always be with you and always

love you. " What a dear one you are to have been there for him. Animals know

when it is their time and I think they embrace it more easily than we do - they

trust the Universe so much more. That's what I think, anyway.

>

> I had my Bubba creamated and still keep his ashes and a bit of his fur. A

fellow cat lover suggested it so I could keep him with me always. I included

the note from my friend in his kitty urn and if I start feeling badly about his

death, I read it to remind me that I did everything I could to try to save him.

But in the end, he had to go on to kitty heaven.

>

> Hang in there,

>

[Guest guest]

,

I know it took me six months before I stopped being sad every day about losing

him. I know that may not sound encouraging, but eventually that ache in my chest

seemed to lessen. It is really hard when you have that special bond and I did

with my baby.

I think it is interesting that your baby's passing is tugging on some memories

for you and I would suggest that it may be your sense of powerlessness in both

situations. In both situations you were powerless to stop the pain or violation

and that is a deep issue. Most would rather accept blame than admit

powerlessness. Just a thought and I certainly don't want to intrude or trigger

anything. Certainly in the obit I wouldn't share anything so personal, but I

think your town might like to know that your baby had a loving home, a loving

mom and that he led a long and happy life. Also that he contributed so much to

your own life. That's plenty to share.

I might also suggest that rather than focus on not being able to save him, that

you focus on how you really DID save him from the people who threw him away. He

would not have survived if it weren't for your efforts and neither would you if

it weren't for all that you have done to heal yourself. I know it feels like a

part of you died with kitty, but there is a part of you that got to come to life

through your relationship with him. You can celebrate that.

Stay strong,

> >

> > Oh , write the obituary .... when you are ready and not so raw.

You will touch so many cat lovers who are made to feel silly about their love

for their animals. Animals are gifts from the Goddess and teach us so many

things as you have shared here. Your whole story of how you saved him and the

letter to the paper...that was just FANTASTIC! You are my hero!

> >

> > I know your feelings are raw, but a friend told me after i had to euthanize

my baby and felt such horrible guilt - she said, " you freed his little

kitty spirit from the suffering and for that he will always be with you and

always love you. " What a dear one you are to have been there for him. Animals

know when it is their time and I think they embrace it more easily than we do -

they trust the Universe so much more. That's what I think, anyway.

> >

> > I had my Bubba creamated and still keep his ashes and a bit of his fur. A

fellow cat lover suggested it so I could keep him with me always. I included

the note from my friend in his kitty urn and if I start feeling badly about his

death, I read it to remind me that I did everything I could to try to save him.

But in the end, he had to go on to kitty heaven.

> >

> > Hang in there,

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Actually the way I feel right now,six months until I stop feeling upset

about this would be fine Although I hope it won't be that long.I can't

believe how much this has knocked me down because I really have been working on

these issues and in all honesty what I'm feeling goes way beyond Bunny's death

itself.I still have work to do on these issues specifically.

I appreciate what you said about feeling powerless and I don't

disagree at all.That's a part of it for sure.You're not intruding or triggering

anything,it's cool I've been thinking along those lines for days now...And

oh,I wouldn't mention any abuse issues in the editorial/obit thing,I'd just like

to touch on the things our pets can teach us and I really liked your idea of how

they trust in the Universe more than we do...

The rest of this post is me venting,not to you,,and before I

launch into it I thank you again for your kind and supportive words

....I can't believe how fucked up this is; how animals/pets are

involved in the destruction of my spirit...

When I was an infant my nada shook me and screamed at me instead of

comforting me,by her own admission,and from the time I was a newborn...One day

when I was about two months old (according to nada) she left me screaming in my

crib because otherwise she thought she'd kill me and I suddenly went quiet.She

thought maybe I had died (hoped,in fact,that I had died) and went into the

bedroom to see what had happened.

The cat was in the crib with me,snuggled up to me,and I was calm and

contented.After that,she let the cat go into my crib whenever I was crying: in

effect,allowed the cat to " babysit " me.Which could have been potentially

dangerous but letting the cat " soothe " me had two benefits: I would stop crying

OR if the cat did lay over me and smother me,nada would have the perfect excuse

for my death.

To this day,if I gaze at a cat's face,I feel soothed.If I hear a cat

purring,I feel soothed.Our cat took the place,for me,of a mother.

Through out my childhood and right into my early twenties I had a

recurring nightmare when I'd wake uo sleep walking about the cat starving to

death because we had " lost " her and " forgot " to feed her.I think this was

because in some part of my infant mind I did know that it wasn't right that nada

left me alone with the cat,as much as I loved her,and I knew that I'd been

abandoned and feared that I had been lost and forgotten by nada and would

" starve to death " in my crib but because I was an infant I projected these fears

onto the cat.

This cat slept with me every night until I was twelve and nada had

her euthanized for kidney disease.From the ages of five to eight and a half I

lived in terror all the time of being killed by the teenaged boys who were gang

raping me--the ring leader and his younger brother said that they'd set my house

on fire if I told but sometimes they just said that to terrorize me.Many nights

I layed awake in bed convinced that this was the night they would set the house

on fire and I rehearsed in my mind again and again and again how I would save

the cat who slept with me,our dog,our gerbils and our parakeet.It was an

impossible task to save them all and many nights I thought that I'd rather die

in the fire right along with them than survive knowing that I couldn't save

them.I imagined them burning up in flames and suffering horribly,not realizing

that they'd probably die of smoke inhalation first.

One night when I was seven I prayed to God to help me.The next day

nada told me that she was going out with fada and my babysitter would come,which

is when I was raped.I felt like God must be a joke and I stopped believing in a

" God " that would allow a little girl who begged him for assistance to be

raped,not understanding that it was nada and fada who were abandoning me.But

that was when I lost my faith and I truly felt that the universe is utterly

meaningless and that I was utterly alone in it.There was no God,no nothing,no

meaning and no hope.

When I was twelve I had a male teacher who molested and harassed me.One

day nada gave me a letter to give to him,which I did obediently,as if obeying

her would make things better.He read it aloud to the entire class: nada had

written to him that I was getting my periods.All the boys laughed and the

teacher laughed at me,too.That night I told nada what he had done expecting her

to finally get that my complaints about him were valid but she had no reaction.I

took a couple of Valium wanting to die because I simply could not face going

back into that classroom the next day when *everyone* knew that I had my period.

After I took the Valium I got scared because I realized that maybe I

really could die and I went and told nada.I told her that I had taken some

Valium and I was scared.I told her that I'd done that because I felt like I

wanted to die because of what the teacher had done,reading that letter aloud to

the class,but I didn't really want to die.I needed her help.

Nada said, " Good.Go ahead and take the rest of the bottle.We'll drop

your body off at the morgue on our way to work in the morning. "

I decided to live,fuck her.I drank alot of milk and ate as much bread as

I could,like you do when you're poisoned.I stayed up listening to the radio and

heard a song that inspired me to go back in there and fight back.

During this time,the cat that had slept with me for twelve years was

starting to fail.Nada asked me to come along with her to the vet's and when we

got there,she handed over this cat who was like my mother and told the staff to

put her to sleep.I begged to be allowed to accompany the cat but everyone

ignored me.The vet tech or the receptionist or whatever she was walked away with

the cat while the cat cried out and I asked to go with her and was ignored,days

after my own mother had told me to go ahead and kill myself.

I blamed myself.I felt like I had abandoned the cat.That was what I

could think about,instead of taking in that my mother had told me to kill

*myself*.

We had had a dog during the time I was being sexually abused,who died

when I was nine.She was an older dog who was going blind and hadn't been

spayed,that nada allowed to roam.She had one litter of puppies (four) that we

found homes for.

She was pregnant again when she got hit by a car one night.A teen aged

neighbor came into the house screaming that our dog had been hit by a car.

Fada wrapped her in a garbage bag and made me help him dig her grave

in the morning while he fussed and moaned about what a pain in the ass it was to

dig that deep hole in the yard.

When I continued to be upset about it,nada coldly told me, " She would

have died having her puppies anyway,she was too old,so it's just as well she got

hit. "

I was tormented by the thought of her puppies dying,too.She had been

such a loving dog and it wasn't right that she'd died like that and that nada

didn't care.

When I was about four I found a little grey kitten at the playground

during one of fada's soccer games.Some kids were pushing him down the big slide

and I told them to stop it because he was obviously scared.I asked them if he

was their cat and they said no,they'd just found him on the playground.I picked

him up and held on to him all during the soccer game--when it was over I begged

to be allowed to keep him.My grandmother was there for some reason--usually she

didn't attend fada's soccer games--and said that I should be allowed to keep him

since I'd held on to him for all that time and I guess fada felt like he had to

go along with it.In the car,he sarcastically asked me what I was going to name

" that thing " and when I said, " Muffin " ,he growled, " If you name that thing Muffin

I'm going to put him in the oven and cook him for breakfast. "

Asshole.Nada griped and complained that she didn't want " that cat "

and I was always afraid she would kill him.He ended up living for ten years but

got sick with something and disappeared suddenly,just not coming home one

day.Nada told me that he'd " gone away to die " as if that was that.I searched for

him and called for him and couldn't find him: he was just gone.I felt like a

monster for not having realized that he was sick and kept questioning that over

and over again because I really hadn't noticed that he was sick.One day I let

him out and I just never saw him again and I blamed and blamed myself for

letting him out.And again,nada just didn't care if he was dead.

One day when I was five a beautiful butterfly landed on my arm and

stayed there while I was in our yard.I gently stroked its wings,I

thought,admiring its beauty and feeling thrilled and humbled that it would land

on me and stay there.After a moment I put my arm down and it sort of hopped onto

the ground.But then,horrifyingly,it hobbled around in a circle and couldn't fly.

I went to get nada,in tears,because something was wrong with the

beautiful butterfly.She asked me if I had touched it,sounding accusatory and

sour.I told her I had stroked its wings and she said smugly, " You rubbed the

powder off its wings,you crippled it and it can't fly now.Oh well,a bird will

come along soon and eat it. "

I was sobbing and she just smirked and went back into the house.I

cradled the butterfly in my hands and put it under a bush so it could die in

peace without being eaten and sat there sobbing.

My best friend (human,a little girl) had recently drowned and nobody

had offered me any comfort about that or had talked to me about it.The butterfly

dying and my friend drowning felt like the same thing,that there was just death

all around me and nobody cared.

When I was eight I found a baby catfish stuck in the leaf muck on the

edge of the lake near our house.It was half in,half out of the water and its

gills were half exposed to the air and it was struggling.Instead of picking it

up and tossing it into the deeper water,I ran back to the house and got a glass

and scooped it up.

We had a small fish bowl in the cellar and I filled it up with water and

put the baby catfish in it,so happy because I was " helping " it.But when I put it

in the fish bowl it started to writhe and turn over and it died.

I walked with the fish bowl and the dead baby catfish back down to the

lake and put it back in the water and watched it float on the surface feeling

like there is no meaning whatsoever in the universe,no mercy.Just as I was

having these thoughts,some other fish came up to the surface and picked at the

catfish's body.

I felt like an utter scumbag for not having simply put the baby catfish

back into the deeper part of the lake when maybe there was still time to save

it,instead of taking it back to the house and putting it into the fishbowl.What

an idiot I was,thinking that I could do something good and save a baby catfish.I

had killed it.

As the other fish picked at its corpse,I felt like I had died inside.I

could think of no reason for its suffering and death.It had done nothing to

deserve dying like that.There was no meaning and no mercy in the universe and

like that baby catfish,I could also die at any moment because there was nothing

looking out for either of us.We simply existed in an utterly pitiless and

godless universe where prayers aren't heard and even the innocent aren't spared.

Nada and fada raised me and my brother with no spiritual faith.They

openly mocked people we knew who believed in God like they were fools.For

them,there was no greater meaning,just: Life is war and things die,nothing

matters and nothing is sacred.When you're dead,you're dead and that's it.

I've struggled to find meaning,to not adopt my parents' spiritual

nihilism.When my cat died I got thrown back into the existential nightmare that

was my childhood,all of this " death in life " that I haven't processed,bound up

with these vital beings--animals,pets---that are so innocent and so pure and

like then,I have nothing to draw on to comfort me...

It just seems so wrong,for parents to give their children NO

spiritual sustenance; to offer no reassurance whatesoever; to tell their

children that there is no hope,no salvation,nothing.Just death,with no meaning.

Instead of meaning or comfort,I have trauma associations and the

memory and feeling of being utterly alone in an utterly indifferent universe.

>

> ,

> I know it took me six months before I stopped being sad every day about losing

him. I know that may not sound encouraging, but eventually that ache in my chest

seemed to lessen. It is really hard when you have that special bond and I did

with my baby.

>

> I think it is interesting that your baby's passing is tugging on some memories

for you and I would suggest that it may be your sense of powerlessness in both

situations. In both situations you were powerless to stop the pain or violation

and that is a deep issue. Most would rather accept blame than admit

powerlessness. Just a thought and I certainly don't want to intrude or trigger

anything. Certainly in the obit I wouldn't share anything so personal, but I

think your town might like to know that your baby had a loving home, a loving

mom and that he led a long and happy life. Also that he contributed so much to

your own life. That's plenty to share.

>

> I might also suggest that rather than focus on not being able to save him,

that you focus on how you really DID save him from the people who threw him

away. He would not have survived if it weren't for your efforts and neither

would you if it weren't for all that you have done to heal yourself. I know it

feels like a part of you died with kitty, but there is a part of you that got to

come to life through your relationship with him. You can celebrate that.

>

> Stay strong,

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Actually the way I feel right now,six months until I stop feeling upset

about this would be fine Although I hope it won't be that long.I can't

believe how much this has knocked me down because I really have been working on

these issues and in all honesty what I'm feeling goes way beyond Bunny's death

itself.I still have work to do on these issues specifically.

I appreciate what you said about feeling powerless and I don't

disagree at all.That's a part of it for sure.You're not intruding or triggering

anything,it's cool I've been thinking along those lines for days now...And

oh,I wouldn't mention any abuse issues in the editorial/obit thing,I'd just like

to touch on the things our pets can teach us and I really liked your idea of how

they trust in the Universe more than we do...

The rest of this post is me venting,not to you,,and before I

launch into it I thank you again for your kind and supportive words

....I can't believe how fucked up this is; how animals/pets are

involved in the destruction of my spirit...

When I was an infant my nada shook me and screamed at me instead of

comforting me,by her own admission,and from the time I was a newborn...One day

when I was about two months old (according to nada) she left me screaming in my

crib because otherwise she thought she'd kill me and I suddenly went quiet.She

thought maybe I had died (hoped,in fact,that I had died) and went into the

bedroom to see what had happened.

The cat was in the crib with me,snuggled up to me,and I was calm and

contented.After that,she let the cat go into my crib whenever I was crying: in

effect,allowed the cat to " babysit " me.Which could have been potentially

dangerous but letting the cat " soothe " me had two benefits: I would stop crying

OR if the cat did lay over me and smother me,nada would have the perfect excuse

for my death.

To this day,if I gaze at a cat's face,I feel soothed.If I hear a cat

purring,I feel soothed.Our cat took the place,for me,of a mother.

Through out my childhood and right into my early twenties I had a

recurring nightmare when I'd wake uo sleep walking about the cat starving to

death because we had " lost " her and " forgot " to feed her.I think this was

because in some part of my infant mind I did know that it wasn't right that nada

left me alone with the cat,as much as I loved her,and I knew that I'd been

abandoned and feared that I had been lost and forgotten by nada and would

" starve to death " in my crib but because I was an infant I projected these fears

onto the cat.

This cat slept with me every night until I was twelve and nada had

her euthanized for kidney disease.From the ages of five to eight and a half I

lived in terror all the time of being killed by the teenaged boys who were gang

raping me--the ring leader and his younger brother said that they'd set my house

on fire if I told but sometimes they just said that to terrorize me.Many nights

I layed awake in bed convinced that this was the night they would set the house

on fire and I rehearsed in my mind again and again and again how I would save

the cat who slept with me,our dog,our gerbils and our parakeet.It was an

impossible task to save them all and many nights I thought that I'd rather die

in the fire right along with them than survive knowing that I couldn't save

them.I imagined them burning up in flames and suffering horribly,not realizing

that they'd probably die of smoke inhalation first.

One night when I was seven I prayed to God to help me.The next day

nada told me that she was going out with fada and my babysitter would come,which

is when I was raped.I felt like God must be a joke and I stopped believing in a

" God " that would allow a little girl who begged him for assistance to be

raped,not understanding that it was nada and fada who were abandoning me.But

that was when I lost my faith and I truly felt that the universe is utterly

meaningless and that I was utterly alone in it.There was no God,no nothing,no

meaning and no hope.

When I was twelve I had a male teacher who molested and harassed me.One

day nada gave me a letter to give to him,which I did obediently,as if obeying

her would make things better.He read it aloud to the entire class: nada had

written to him that I was getting my periods.All the boys laughed and the

teacher laughed at me,too.That night I told nada what he had done expecting her

to finally get that my complaints about him were valid but she had no reaction.I

took a couple of Valium wanting to die because I simply could not face going

back into that classroom the next day when *everyone* knew that I had my period.

After I took the Valium I got scared because I realized that maybe I

really could die and I went and told nada.I told her that I had taken some

Valium and I was scared.I told her that I'd done that because I felt like I

wanted to die because of what the teacher had done,reading that letter aloud to

the class,but I didn't really want to die.I needed her help.

Nada said, " Good.Go ahead and take the rest of the bottle.We'll drop

your body off at the morgue on our way to work in the morning. "

I decided to live,fuck her.I drank alot of milk and ate as much bread as

I could,like you do when you're poisoned.I stayed up listening to the radio and

heard a song that inspired me to go back in there and fight back.

During this time,the cat that had slept with me for twelve years was

starting to fail.Nada asked me to come along with her to the vet's and when we

got there,she handed over this cat who was like my mother and told the staff to

put her to sleep.I begged to be allowed to accompany the cat but everyone

ignored me.The vet tech or the receptionist or whatever she was walked away with

the cat while the cat cried out and I asked to go with her and was ignored,days

after my own mother had told me to go ahead and kill myself.

I blamed myself.I felt like I had abandoned the cat.That was what I

could think about,instead of taking in that my mother had told me to kill

*myself*.

We had had a dog during the time I was being sexually abused,who died

when I was nine.She was an older dog who was going blind and hadn't been

spayed,that nada allowed to roam.She had one litter of puppies (four) that we

found homes for.

She was pregnant again when she got hit by a car one night.A teen aged

neighbor came into the house screaming that our dog had been hit by a car.

Fada wrapped her in a garbage bag and made me help him dig her grave

in the morning while he fussed and moaned about what a pain in the ass it was to

dig that deep hole in the yard.

When I continued to be upset about it,nada coldly told me, " She would

have died having her puppies anyway,she was too old,so it's just as well she got

hit. "

I was tormented by the thought of her puppies dying,too.She had been

such a loving dog and it wasn't right that she'd died like that and that nada

didn't care.

When I was about four I found a little grey kitten at the playground

during one of fada's soccer games.Some kids were pushing him down the big slide

and I told them to stop it because he was obviously scared.I asked them if he

was their cat and they said no,they'd just found him on the playground.I picked

him up and held on to him all during the soccer game--when it was over I begged

to be allowed to keep him.My grandmother was there for some reason--usually she

didn't attend fada's soccer games--and said that I should be allowed to keep him

since I'd held on to him for all that time and I guess fada felt like he had to

go along with it.In the car,he sarcastically asked me what I was going to name

" that thing " and when I said, " Muffin " ,he growled, " If you name that thing Muffin

I'm going to put him in the oven and cook him for breakfast. "

Asshole.Nada griped and complained that she didn't want " that cat "

and I was always afraid she would kill him.He ended up living for ten years but

got sick with something and disappeared suddenly,just not coming home one

day.Nada told me that he'd " gone away to die " as if that was that.I searched for

him and called for him and couldn't find him: he was just gone.I felt like a

monster for not having realized that he was sick and kept questioning that over

and over again because I really hadn't noticed that he was sick.One day I let

him out and I just never saw him again and I blamed and blamed myself for

letting him out.And again,nada just didn't care if he was dead.

One day when I was five a beautiful butterfly landed on my arm and

stayed there while I was in our yard.I gently stroked its wings,I

thought,admiring its beauty and feeling thrilled and humbled that it would land

on me and stay there.After a moment I put my arm down and it sort of hopped onto

the ground.But then,horrifyingly,it hobbled around in a circle and couldn't fly.

I went to get nada,in tears,because something was wrong with the

beautiful butterfly.She asked me if I had touched it,sounding accusatory and

sour.I told her I had stroked its wings and she said smugly, " You rubbed the

powder off its wings,you crippled it and it can't fly now.Oh well,a bird will

come along soon and eat it. "

I was sobbing and she just smirked and went back into the house.I

cradled the butterfly in my hands and put it under a bush so it could die in

peace without being eaten and sat there sobbing.

My best friend (human,a little girl) had recently drowned and nobody

had offered me any comfort about that or had talked to me about it.The butterfly

dying and my friend drowning felt like the same thing,that there was just death

all around me and nobody cared.

When I was eight I found a baby catfish stuck in the leaf muck on the

edge of the lake near our house.It was half in,half out of the water and its

gills were half exposed to the air and it was struggling.Instead of picking it

up and tossing it into the deeper water,I ran back to the house and got a glass

and scooped it up.

We had a small fish bowl in the cellar and I filled it up with water and

put the baby catfish in it,so happy because I was " helping " it.But when I put it

in the fish bowl it started to writhe and turn over and it died.

I walked with the fish bowl and the dead baby catfish back down to the

lake and put it back in the water and watched it float on the surface feeling

like there is no meaning whatsoever in the universe,no mercy.Just as I was

having these thoughts,some other fish came up to the surface and picked at the

catfish's body.

I felt like an utter scumbag for not having simply put the baby catfish

back into the deeper part of the lake when maybe there was still time to save

it,instead of taking it back to the house and putting it into the fishbowl.What

an idiot I was,thinking that I could do something good and save a baby catfish.I

had killed it.

As the other fish picked at its corpse,I felt like I had died inside.I

could think of no reason for its suffering and death.It had done nothing to

deserve dying like that.There was no meaning and no mercy in the universe and

like that baby catfish,I could also die at any moment because there was nothing

looking out for either of us.We simply existed in an utterly pitiless and

godless universe where prayers aren't heard and even the innocent aren't spared.

Nada and fada raised me and my brother with no spiritual faith.They

openly mocked people we knew who believed in God like they were fools.For

them,there was no greater meaning,just: Life is war and things die,nothing

matters and nothing is sacred.When you're dead,you're dead and that's it.

I've struggled to find meaning,to not adopt my parents' spiritual

nihilism.When my cat died I got thrown back into the existential nightmare that

was my childhood,all of this " death in life " that I haven't processed,bound up

with these vital beings--animals,pets---that are so innocent and so pure and

like then,I have nothing to draw on to comfort me...

It just seems so wrong,for parents to give their children NO

spiritual sustenance; to offer no reassurance whatesoever; to tell their

children that there is no hope,no salvation,nothing.Just death,with no meaning.

Instead of meaning or comfort,I have trauma associations and the

memory and feeling of being utterly alone in an utterly indifferent universe.

>

> ,

> I know it took me six months before I stopped being sad every day about losing

him. I know that may not sound encouraging, but eventually that ache in my chest

seemed to lessen. It is really hard when you have that special bond and I did

with my baby.

>

> I think it is interesting that your baby's passing is tugging on some memories

for you and I would suggest that it may be your sense of powerlessness in both

situations. In both situations you were powerless to stop the pain or violation

and that is a deep issue. Most would rather accept blame than admit

powerlessness. Just a thought and I certainly don't want to intrude or trigger

anything. Certainly in the obit I wouldn't share anything so personal, but I

think your town might like to know that your baby had a loving home, a loving

mom and that he led a long and happy life. Also that he contributed so much to

your own life. That's plenty to share.

>

> I might also suggest that rather than focus on not being able to save him,

that you focus on how you really DID save him from the people who threw him

away. He would not have survived if it weren't for your efforts and neither

would you if it weren't for all that you have done to heal yourself. I know it

feels like a part of you died with kitty, but there is a part of you that got to

come to life through your relationship with him. You can celebrate that.

>

> Stay strong,

>

[Guest guest]

Holly cow Cristine! Reading your post made me wish to strangle your nada with my

bare hands...She should be in prision or somebody had to remove you from that

poison woman as soon as you were born!!! Giving her child a cat for her

substitute ( and wishing that maybe the cat will incidentally " resolve " the

" problem " . GRHARHG!!!!) Not to mention the way she treated ( or better say not

treader) you!! It is a miracle you are alive and sane. It is normal that you

still have some issues to resolve but you should be proud of your (

stubborn.:-)) self not to surrender and to heal so much already. You should

write a book about your life for sure.

A biiiiiiig, warm, kind and loving hug for you! You really are a special person

and even you don't have a " loving " relation with " God " I see a deep, wise and

kind spirit in you.

Yenaine

> >

> > ,

> > I know it took me six months before I stopped being sad every day about

losing him. I know that may not sound encouraging, but eventually that ache in

my chest seemed to lessen. It is really hard when you have that special bond

and I did with my baby.

> >

> > I think it is interesting that your baby's passing is tugging on some

memories for you and I would suggest that it may be your sense of powerlessness

in both situations. In both situations you were powerless to stop the pain or

violation and that is a deep issue. Most would rather accept blame than admit

powerlessness. Just a thought and I certainly don't want to intrude or trigger

anything. Certainly in the obit I wouldn't share anything so personal, but I

think your town might like to know that your baby had a loving home, a loving

mom and that he led a long and happy life. Also that he contributed so much to

your own life. That's plenty to share.

> >

> > I might also suggest that rather than focus on not being able to save him,

that you focus on how you really DID save him from the people who threw him

away. He would not have survived if it weren't for your efforts and neither

would you if it weren't for all that you have done to heal yourself. I know it

feels like a part of you died with kitty, but there is a part of you that got to

come to life through your relationship with him. You can celebrate that.

> >

> > Stay strong,

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Yenaine,thank you so much for every single word you wrote here It means alot

to me that you took the time to respond so compassionately--in truth what I was

writing about feels like such a deep vulnerability to me,it feels like baring my

soul and then I'm sure no one would understand...I've always been,or as long as

I can remember,a very spiritual person and growing up like that was like being

systematically starved.I don't think I could ever follow a religion,me

personally.I have a " live and let live " attitude about religion but I think it's

just impossible to manage existing without meaning,of some sort.And not really

possible to " make meaning " from the ashes of total despair because what greater

sense can be derived from that? I don't hate " God " and didn't mean to give that

impression,I've just had to find my way to a different way of seeing...I can't

and have never been able to reconcile myself to the idea that existence itself

should be pointless and I think that's why my feeling so alone in a cold world

was such agony to me.

Thank you thank you for all your sweet and kind words

>

> Holly cow Cristine! Reading your post made me wish to strangle your nada with

my bare hands...She should be in prision or somebody had to remove you from that

poison woman as soon as you were born!!! Giving her child a cat for her

substitute ( and wishing that maybe the cat will incidentally " resolve " the

" problem " . GRHARHG!!!!) Not to mention the way she treated ( or better say not

treader) you!! It is a miracle you are alive and sane. It is normal that you

still have some issues to resolve but you should be proud of your (

stubborn.:-)) self not to surrender and to heal so much already. You should

write a book about your life for sure.

>

> A biiiiiiig, warm, kind and loving hug for you! You really are a special

person and even you don't have a " loving " relation with " God " I see a deep,

wise and kind spirit in you.

> Yenaine

[Guest guest]

Yenaine,thank you so much for every single word you wrote here It means alot

to me that you took the time to respond so compassionately--in truth what I was

writing about feels like such a deep vulnerability to me,it feels like baring my

soul and then I'm sure no one would understand...I've always been,or as long as

I can remember,a very spiritual person and growing up like that was like being

systematically starved.I don't think I could ever follow a religion,me

personally.I have a " live and let live " attitude about religion but I think it's

just impossible to manage existing without meaning,of some sort.And not really

possible to " make meaning " from the ashes of total despair because what greater

sense can be derived from that? I don't hate " God " and didn't mean to give that

impression,I've just had to find my way to a different way of seeing...I can't

and have never been able to reconcile myself to the idea that existence itself

should be pointless and I think that's why my feeling so alone in a cold world

was such agony to me.

Thank you thank you for all your sweet and kind words

>

> Holly cow Cristine! Reading your post made me wish to strangle your nada with

my bare hands...She should be in prision or somebody had to remove you from that

poison woman as soon as you were born!!! Giving her child a cat for her

substitute ( and wishing that maybe the cat will incidentally " resolve " the

" problem " . GRHARHG!!!!) Not to mention the way she treated ( or better say not

treader) you!! It is a miracle you are alive and sane. It is normal that you

still have some issues to resolve but you should be proud of your (

stubborn.:-)) self not to surrender and to heal so much already. You should

write a book about your life for sure.

>

> A biiiiiiig, warm, kind and loving hug for you! You really are a special

person and even you don't have a " loving " relation with " God " I see a deep,

wise and kind spirit in you.

> Yenaine

[Guest guest]

Yenaine,thank you so much for every single word you wrote here It means alot

to me that you took the time to respond so compassionately--in truth what I was

writing about feels like such a deep vulnerability to me,it feels like baring my

soul and then I'm sure no one would understand...I've always been,or as long as

I can remember,a very spiritual person and growing up like that was like being

systematically starved.I don't think I could ever follow a religion,me

personally.I have a " live and let live " attitude about religion but I think it's

just impossible to manage existing without meaning,of some sort.And not really

possible to " make meaning " from the ashes of total despair because what greater

sense can be derived from that? I don't hate " God " and didn't mean to give that

impression,I've just had to find my way to a different way of seeing...I can't

and have never been able to reconcile myself to the idea that existence itself

should be pointless and I think that's why my feeling so alone in a cold world

was such agony to me.

Thank you thank you for all your sweet and kind words

>

> Holly cow Cristine! Reading your post made me wish to strangle your nada with

my bare hands...She should be in prision or somebody had to remove you from that

poison woman as soon as you were born!!! Giving her child a cat for her

substitute ( and wishing that maybe the cat will incidentally " resolve " the

" problem " . GRHARHG!!!!) Not to mention the way she treated ( or better say not

treader) you!! It is a miracle you are alive and sane. It is normal that you

still have some issues to resolve but you should be proud of your (

stubborn.:-)) self not to surrender and to heal so much already. You should

write a book about your life for sure.

>

> A biiiiiiig, warm, kind and loving hug for you! You really are a special

person and even you don't have a " loving " relation with " God " I see a deep,

wise and kind spirit in you.

> Yenaine

[Guest guest]

Hi , how are you holding up today? Your recollections about so many

animals, some comfort and much trauma moved me very much (as I can be while on

this SSRI right now, it's got me pretty numbed out) - I'm so sorry that these

have been your experiences, it shouldn't have to be this way if life was just,

fair...but we know that's not how it works. Still the light shining from it all

was that this cat, just a simple animal came to you as an infant and gave you

comfort. Can you imagine what a difference that may have made for your

developing mind, for you very soul at that point? In that I see grace.

For me too animals were the saving grace as I grew up. Also for me too like

for you, some of my most traumatic memories involved their deaths or suffering.

My mother's neglect of cherished pets or not shielding me from seeing horrible

things I cannot bear to recount now. I had a similar crisis of faith when I was

in 8th grade when I was being bullied to the point of feeling suicidal - praying

to God for deliverance and receiving none. It took a long time and certain

direct spiritual experiences to convince me in the reality of God but also that

things don't work in a direct request/answer way. Faith is such a personal

thing that even if I share what feels true for me that wouldn't make it feel

true for you necessarily. I would agree with Yenaine that your wisdom and deep

nature shine through and that faith isn't only about what we believe but how we

choose to be in the world. And in that I suspect you have a greater faith than

you know.

When I lost my dear cat that I mentioned earlier, it was as if the sum total of

all my unresolved pain rushed up with the grief for her and overwhelmed me. My

self-control was shattered, I'd break down and cry in public talking to

strangers for the least reason. And there was no solace. She had been my

solace more than I ever knew while she was with me. Still months later I've

found an equilibrium again. It *does* get better . Hold on and take

care.

> >

> > ,

> > I know it took me six months before I stopped being sad every day about

losing him. I know that may not sound encouraging, but eventually that ache in

my chest seemed to lessen. It is really hard when you have that special bond

and I did with my baby.

> >

> > I think it is interesting that your baby's passing is tugging on some

memories for you and I would suggest that it may be your sense of powerlessness

in both situations. In both situations you were powerless to stop the pain or

violation and that is a deep issue. Most would rather accept blame than admit

powerlessness. Just a thought and I certainly don't want to intrude or trigger

anything. Certainly in the obit I wouldn't share anything so personal, but I

think your town might like to know that your baby had a loving home, a loving

mom and that he led a long and happy life. Also that he contributed so much to

your own life. That's plenty to share.

> >

> > I might also suggest that rather than focus on not being able to save him,

that you focus on how you really DID save him from the people who threw him

away. He would not have survived if it weren't for your efforts and neither

would you if it weren't for all that you have done to heal yourself. I know it

feels like a part of you died with kitty, but there is a part of you that got to

come to life through your relationship with him. You can celebrate that.

> >

> > Stay strong,

> >

>