Re: My cat died

[Guest guest]

, sometimes I read your posts & think " ok lady, get out of my head "

lol. What you said about spirituality & religion is pretty much my view

too.

Mia

On Tue, Jan 4, 2011 at 7:49 AM, christine.depizan <

christine.depizan@...> wrote:

>

>

> Yenaine,thank you so much for every single word you wrote here It means

> alot to me that you took the time to respond so compassionately--in truth

> what I was writing about feels like such a deep vulnerability to me,it feels

> like baring my soul and then I'm sure no one would understand...I've always

> been,or as long as I can remember,a very spiritual person and growing up

> like that was like being systematically starved.I don't think I could ever

> follow a religion,me personally.I have a " live and let live " attitude about

> religion but I think it's just impossible to manage existing without

> meaning,of some sort.And not really possible to " make meaning " from the

> ashes of total despair because what greater sense can be derived from that?

> I don't hate " God " and didn't mean to give that impression,I've just had to

> find my way to a different way of seeing...I can't and have never been able

> to reconcile myself to the idea that existence itself should be pointless

> and I think that's why my feeling so alone in a cold world was such agony to

> me.

>

> Thank you thank you for all your sweet and kind words

>

>

>

>

> >

> > Holly cow Cristine! Reading your post made me wish to strangle your nada

> with my bare hands...She should be in prision or somebody had to remove you

> from that poison woman as soon as you were born!!! Giving her child a cat

> for her substitute ( and wishing that maybe the cat will incidentally

> " resolve " the " problem " . GRHARHG!!!!) Not to mention the way she treated (

> or better say not treader) you!! It is a miracle you are alive and sane. It

> is normal that you still have some issues to resolve but you should be proud

> of your ( stubborn.:-)) self not to surrender and to heal so much already.

> You should write a book about your life for sure.

> >

> > A biiiiiiig, warm, kind and loving hug for you! You really are a special

> person and even you don't have a " loving " relation with " God " I see a deep,

> wise and kind spirit in you.

> > Yenaine

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

, sometimes I read your posts & think " ok lady, get out of my head "

lol. What you said about spirituality & religion is pretty much my view

too.

Mia

On Tue, Jan 4, 2011 at 7:49 AM, christine.depizan <

christine.depizan@...> wrote:

>

>

> Yenaine,thank you so much for every single word you wrote here It means

> alot to me that you took the time to respond so compassionately--in truth

> what I was writing about feels like such a deep vulnerability to me,it feels

> like baring my soul and then I'm sure no one would understand...I've always

> been,or as long as I can remember,a very spiritual person and growing up

> like that was like being systematically starved.I don't think I could ever

> follow a religion,me personally.I have a " live and let live " attitude about

> religion but I think it's just impossible to manage existing without

> meaning,of some sort.And not really possible to " make meaning " from the

> ashes of total despair because what greater sense can be derived from that?

> I don't hate " God " and didn't mean to give that impression,I've just had to

> find my way to a different way of seeing...I can't and have never been able

> to reconcile myself to the idea that existence itself should be pointless

> and I think that's why my feeling so alone in a cold world was such agony to

> me.

>

> Thank you thank you for all your sweet and kind words

>

>

>

>

> >

> > Holly cow Cristine! Reading your post made me wish to strangle your nada

> with my bare hands...She should be in prision or somebody had to remove you

> from that poison woman as soon as you were born!!! Giving her child a cat

> for her substitute ( and wishing that maybe the cat will incidentally

> " resolve " the " problem " . GRHARHG!!!!) Not to mention the way she treated (

> or better say not treader) you!! It is a miracle you are alive and sane. It

> is normal that you still have some issues to resolve but you should be proud

> of your ( stubborn.:-)) self not to surrender and to heal so much already.

> You should write a book about your life for sure.

> >

> > A biiiiiiig, warm, kind and loving hug for you! You really are a special

> person and even you don't have a " loving " relation with " God " I see a deep,

> wise and kind spirit in you.

> > Yenaine

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I thought I replied to this at one time, but I'd like to say a little more

too about the wonderful animals we love.

I'm a big animal person. I used to do rescue & fostered, man I loved it! I

had a house full... 4 cats, 2 dogs & a chinchilla that were mine plus at

least 1 or 2 fosters running around (once we had a whole litter of

puppies...omg!!! it was awesome hehe... messy too, but I loved it!)

When I went through my divorce, it was very amicable. Ex & I did most of

the work ourselves, but I did hire a lawyer. He paid for half. That's not

to say we " shared " a lawyer... she was my representative. We really just

wanted someone to do the paperwork.

We sat down together & went very throughly over " custody " of the pets. It

was so damn hearbreaking. In the end, we decided I would take my two female

kitties and he would keep the others only because I didn't know where I

would end up (apartment with animal rules, whatever.)

Well, it turned out where I ended up... no pets allowed due to housemates

having allergies. I couldn't afford anywhere else... I was devistated!

He of course was happy to keep the 2 kitties, but I can't tell you how very

much I miss them & feel like I abandoned them. They were like my little fur

children and even typing this I am in tears. I miss them every day.

One day when fiance & I get a place of our own, I plan to get back into

rescue. I also told him I have a 2 cat rule... no kitties should be lonely

when their humans are at work. They are so much more fun in pairs anyway.

He just laughed & said " ok, that's fine " .

So when I was getting ready to go back to school, I made a " motivational "

poster board collage. I put pictures of nice apartments, houses, of fiance

& his kids... even one of me. And of course, I included pictures of

animals. I doubt I would be able to get my 2 girls back from my ex... but I

also know he is taking very good care of him. That's the one thing we had

very strongly in common, our desire to have pets & help homeless ones.

Anyway, sorry to ramble. I miss them so much. I had pets as kids too,

mostly cats & at my dad's. The one kitten my nada let me get... that's a

heartbreaking story. I loved that kitty so much and we only had him about 6

months. She had a garage sale & was selling a sleeper-sofa which was still

in the house. When a woman inquired, nada took her inside to see it. She

saw my kitty & said " oh what a cute cat! " Nada said, " If you buy the sofa,

you can have the cat. " The woman bought the sofa & took my cat!

I was so upset! I had been at my dad's for the weekend. I came home & was

looking all over for my cat, panicking that he got out or was hurt or dead

somewhere. Nada just let me panic like that for close to an hour before she

told me. I was about 11 or 12 at the time and I said " I can't believe you

got rid of my kitty! " She said, " You never took care of it anyway. " Oh, I

call bull sh** on that one. Yes I did too! I cleaned that box every other

day, fed & watered every day and played with that cat EVERY DAY. He was the

one " person " in that house that loved me unconditionally.

Anyway, now I'm really crying lol. I hate nadas. And I love pets. They

are not just pets, they are family & in my opinion, soul mates. There are

not enough words to describe how much I love & respect my pets.

Mia

> , sometimes I read your posts & think " ok lady, get out of my

> head " lol. What you said about spirituality & religion is pretty much my

> view too.

>

> Mia

>

> On Tue, Jan 4, 2011 at 7:49 AM, christine.depizan <

> christine.depizan@...> wrote:

>

>>

>>

>> Yenaine,thank you so much for every single word you wrote here It means

>> alot to me that you took the time to respond so compassionately--in truth

>> what I was writing about feels like such a deep vulnerability to me,it feels

>> like baring my soul and then I'm sure no one would understand...I've always

>> been,or as long as I can remember,a very spiritual person and growing up

>> like that was like being systematically starved.I don't think I could ever

>> follow a religion,me personally.I have a " live and let live " attitude about

>> religion but I think it's just impossible to manage existing without

>> meaning,of some sort.And not really possible to " make meaning " from the

>> ashes of total despair because what greater sense can be derived from that?

>> I don't hate " God " and didn't mean to give that impression,I've just had to

>> find my way to a different way of seeing...I can't and have never been able

>> to reconcile myself to the idea that existence itself should be pointless

>> and I think that's why my feeling so alone in a cold world was such agony to

>> me.

>>

>> Thank you thank you for all your sweet and kind words

>>

>>

>>

>>

>> >

>> > Holly cow Cristine! Reading your post made me wish to strangle your nada

>> with my bare hands...She should be in prision or somebody had to remove you

>> from that poison woman as soon as you were born!!! Giving her child a cat

>> for her substitute ( and wishing that maybe the cat will incidentally

>> " resolve " the " problem " . GRHARHG!!!!) Not to mention the way she treated (

>> or better say not treader) you!! It is a miracle you are alive and sane. It

>> is normal that you still have some issues to resolve but you should be proud

>> of your ( stubborn.:-)) self not to surrender and to heal so much already.

>> You should write a book about your life for sure.

>> >

>> > A biiiiiiig, warm, kind and loving hug for you! You really are a special

>> person and even you don't have a " loving " relation with " God " I see a deep,

>> wise and kind spirit in you.

>> > Yenaine

>>

>>

>>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I thought I replied to this at one time, but I'd like to say a little more

too about the wonderful animals we love.

I'm a big animal person. I used to do rescue & fostered, man I loved it! I

had a house full... 4 cats, 2 dogs & a chinchilla that were mine plus at

least 1 or 2 fosters running around (once we had a whole litter of

puppies...omg!!! it was awesome hehe... messy too, but I loved it!)

When I went through my divorce, it was very amicable. Ex & I did most of

the work ourselves, but I did hire a lawyer. He paid for half. That's not

to say we " shared " a lawyer... she was my representative. We really just

wanted someone to do the paperwork.

We sat down together & went very throughly over " custody " of the pets. It

was so damn hearbreaking. In the end, we decided I would take my two female

kitties and he would keep the others only because I didn't know where I

would end up (apartment with animal rules, whatever.)

Well, it turned out where I ended up... no pets allowed due to housemates

having allergies. I couldn't afford anywhere else... I was devistated!

He of course was happy to keep the 2 kitties, but I can't tell you how very

much I miss them & feel like I abandoned them. They were like my little fur

children and even typing this I am in tears. I miss them every day.

One day when fiance & I get a place of our own, I plan to get back into

rescue. I also told him I have a 2 cat rule... no kitties should be lonely

when their humans are at work. They are so much more fun in pairs anyway.

He just laughed & said " ok, that's fine " .

So when I was getting ready to go back to school, I made a " motivational "

poster board collage. I put pictures of nice apartments, houses, of fiance

& his kids... even one of me. And of course, I included pictures of

animals. I doubt I would be able to get my 2 girls back from my ex... but I

also know he is taking very good care of him. That's the one thing we had

very strongly in common, our desire to have pets & help homeless ones.

Anyway, sorry to ramble. I miss them so much. I had pets as kids too,

mostly cats & at my dad's. The one kitten my nada let me get... that's a

heartbreaking story. I loved that kitty so much and we only had him about 6

months. She had a garage sale & was selling a sleeper-sofa which was still

in the house. When a woman inquired, nada took her inside to see it. She

saw my kitty & said " oh what a cute cat! " Nada said, " If you buy the sofa,

you can have the cat. " The woman bought the sofa & took my cat!

I was so upset! I had been at my dad's for the weekend. I came home & was

looking all over for my cat, panicking that he got out or was hurt or dead

somewhere. Nada just let me panic like that for close to an hour before she

told me. I was about 11 or 12 at the time and I said " I can't believe you

got rid of my kitty! " She said, " You never took care of it anyway. " Oh, I

call bull sh** on that one. Yes I did too! I cleaned that box every other

day, fed & watered every day and played with that cat EVERY DAY. He was the

one " person " in that house that loved me unconditionally.

Anyway, now I'm really crying lol. I hate nadas. And I love pets. They

are not just pets, they are family & in my opinion, soul mates. There are

not enough words to describe how much I love & respect my pets.

Mia

> , sometimes I read your posts & think " ok lady, get out of my

> head " lol. What you said about spirituality & religion is pretty much my

> view too.

>

> Mia

>

> On Tue, Jan 4, 2011 at 7:49 AM, christine.depizan <

> christine.depizan@...> wrote:

>

>>

>>

>> Yenaine,thank you so much for every single word you wrote here It means

>> alot to me that you took the time to respond so compassionately--in truth

>> what I was writing about feels like such a deep vulnerability to me,it feels

>> like baring my soul and then I'm sure no one would understand...I've always

>> been,or as long as I can remember,a very spiritual person and growing up

>> like that was like being systematically starved.I don't think I could ever

>> follow a religion,me personally.I have a " live and let live " attitude about

>> religion but I think it's just impossible to manage existing without

>> meaning,of some sort.And not really possible to " make meaning " from the

>> ashes of total despair because what greater sense can be derived from that?

>> I don't hate " God " and didn't mean to give that impression,I've just had to

>> find my way to a different way of seeing...I can't and have never been able

>> to reconcile myself to the idea that existence itself should be pointless

>> and I think that's why my feeling so alone in a cold world was such agony to

>> me.

>>

>> Thank you thank you for all your sweet and kind words

>>

>>

>>

>>

>> >

>> > Holly cow Cristine! Reading your post made me wish to strangle your nada

>> with my bare hands...She should be in prision or somebody had to remove you

>> from that poison woman as soon as you were born!!! Giving her child a cat

>> for her substitute ( and wishing that maybe the cat will incidentally

>> " resolve " the " problem " . GRHARHG!!!!) Not to mention the way she treated (

>> or better say not treader) you!! It is a miracle you are alive and sane. It

>> is normal that you still have some issues to resolve but you should be proud

>> of your ( stubborn.:-)) self not to surrender and to heal so much already.

>> You should write a book about your life for sure.

>> >

>> > A biiiiiiig, warm, kind and loving hug for you! You really are a special

>> person and even you don't have a " loving " relation with " God " I see a deep,

>> wise and kind spirit in you.

>> > Yenaine

>>

>>

>>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I thought I replied to this at one time, but I'd like to say a little more

too about the wonderful animals we love.

I'm a big animal person. I used to do rescue & fostered, man I loved it! I

had a house full... 4 cats, 2 dogs & a chinchilla that were mine plus at

least 1 or 2 fosters running around (once we had a whole litter of

puppies...omg!!! it was awesome hehe... messy too, but I loved it!)

When I went through my divorce, it was very amicable. Ex & I did most of

the work ourselves, but I did hire a lawyer. He paid for half. That's not

to say we " shared " a lawyer... she was my representative. We really just

wanted someone to do the paperwork.

We sat down together & went very throughly over " custody " of the pets. It

was so damn hearbreaking. In the end, we decided I would take my two female

kitties and he would keep the others only because I didn't know where I

would end up (apartment with animal rules, whatever.)

Well, it turned out where I ended up... no pets allowed due to housemates

having allergies. I couldn't afford anywhere else... I was devistated!

He of course was happy to keep the 2 kitties, but I can't tell you how very

much I miss them & feel like I abandoned them. They were like my little fur

children and even typing this I am in tears. I miss them every day.

One day when fiance & I get a place of our own, I plan to get back into

rescue. I also told him I have a 2 cat rule... no kitties should be lonely

when their humans are at work. They are so much more fun in pairs anyway.

He just laughed & said " ok, that's fine " .

So when I was getting ready to go back to school, I made a " motivational "

poster board collage. I put pictures of nice apartments, houses, of fiance

& his kids... even one of me. And of course, I included pictures of

animals. I doubt I would be able to get my 2 girls back from my ex... but I

also know he is taking very good care of him. That's the one thing we had

very strongly in common, our desire to have pets & help homeless ones.

Anyway, sorry to ramble. I miss them so much. I had pets as kids too,

mostly cats & at my dad's. The one kitten my nada let me get... that's a

heartbreaking story. I loved that kitty so much and we only had him about 6

months. She had a garage sale & was selling a sleeper-sofa which was still

in the house. When a woman inquired, nada took her inside to see it. She

saw my kitty & said " oh what a cute cat! " Nada said, " If you buy the sofa,

you can have the cat. " The woman bought the sofa & took my cat!

I was so upset! I had been at my dad's for the weekend. I came home & was

looking all over for my cat, panicking that he got out or was hurt or dead

somewhere. Nada just let me panic like that for close to an hour before she

told me. I was about 11 or 12 at the time and I said " I can't believe you

got rid of my kitty! " She said, " You never took care of it anyway. " Oh, I

call bull sh** on that one. Yes I did too! I cleaned that box every other

day, fed & watered every day and played with that cat EVERY DAY. He was the

one " person " in that house that loved me unconditionally.

Anyway, now I'm really crying lol. I hate nadas. And I love pets. They

are not just pets, they are family & in my opinion, soul mates. There are

not enough words to describe how much I love & respect my pets.

Mia

> , sometimes I read your posts & think " ok lady, get out of my

> head " lol. What you said about spirituality & religion is pretty much my

> view too.

>

> Mia

>

> On Tue, Jan 4, 2011 at 7:49 AM, christine.depizan <

> christine.depizan@...> wrote:

>

>>

>>

>> Yenaine,thank you so much for every single word you wrote here It means

>> alot to me that you took the time to respond so compassionately--in truth

>> what I was writing about feels like such a deep vulnerability to me,it feels

>> like baring my soul and then I'm sure no one would understand...I've always

>> been,or as long as I can remember,a very spiritual person and growing up

>> like that was like being systematically starved.I don't think I could ever

>> follow a religion,me personally.I have a " live and let live " attitude about

>> religion but I think it's just impossible to manage existing without

>> meaning,of some sort.And not really possible to " make meaning " from the

>> ashes of total despair because what greater sense can be derived from that?

>> I don't hate " God " and didn't mean to give that impression,I've just had to

>> find my way to a different way of seeing...I can't and have never been able

>> to reconcile myself to the idea that existence itself should be pointless

>> and I think that's why my feeling so alone in a cold world was such agony to

>> me.

>>

>> Thank you thank you for all your sweet and kind words

>>

>>

>>

>>

>> >

>> > Holly cow Cristine! Reading your post made me wish to strangle your nada

>> with my bare hands...She should be in prision or somebody had to remove you

>> from that poison woman as soon as you were born!!! Giving her child a cat

>> for her substitute ( and wishing that maybe the cat will incidentally

>> " resolve " the " problem " . GRHARHG!!!!) Not to mention the way she treated (

>> or better say not treader) you!! It is a miracle you are alive and sane. It

>> is normal that you still have some issues to resolve but you should be proud

>> of your ( stubborn.:-)) self not to surrender and to heal so much already.

>> You should write a book about your life for sure.

>> >

>> > A biiiiiiig, warm, kind and loving hug for you! You really are a special

>> person and even you don't have a " loving " relation with " God " I see a deep,

>> wise and kind spirit in you.

>> > Yenaine

>>

>>

>>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh yeah, since I can't have cats or dogs here either due to fiance's

brothers having allergies... I have a hamster and a beta fish. We had a

beloved pet mouse for a year & a half too, she passed away about a month & a

half ago now. I miss her. I love the new hamster too, but he's crazy hyper

lol. I have tried all my tricks for getting rodents to get used to me.. not

working. His name is " Domo " ... he's a " robovinsky dwarf hamster " . The guy

at the pet store called him a " robo " and I couldn't get the song " Mr.

Roboto " out of my head... that was almost his name, but I went with " Domo "

instead... " Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto... Domo! (domo) Domo! (domo) " LOL.

My beta fish... " sushi " (lol) is about 2 years old now. That's the longest

I've ever had a beta before. I hope he sticks around a lot longer too.

Anyway, I'll shush now.

Mia

> I thought I replied to this at one time, but I'd like to say a little more

> too about the wonderful animals we love.

>

> I'm a big animal person. I used to do rescue & fostered, man I loved it!

> I had a house full... 4 cats, 2 dogs & a chinchilla that were mine plus at

> least 1 or 2 fosters running around (once we had a whole litter of

> puppies...omg!!! it was awesome hehe... messy too, but I loved it!)

>

> When I went through my divorce, it was very amicable. Ex & I did most of

> the work ourselves, but I did hire a lawyer. He paid for half. That's not

> to say we " shared " a lawyer... she was my representative. We really just

> wanted someone to do the paperwork.

>

> We sat down together & went very throughly over " custody " of the pets. It

> was so damn hearbreaking. In the end, we decided I would take my two female

> kitties and he would keep the others only because I didn't know where I

> would end up (apartment with animal rules, whatever.)

>

> Well, it turned out where I ended up... no pets allowed due to housemates

> having allergies. I couldn't afford anywhere else... I was devistated!

>

> He of course was happy to keep the 2 kitties, but I can't tell you how very

> much I miss them & feel like I abandoned them. They were like my little fur

> children and even typing this I am in tears. I miss them every day.

>

> One day when fiance & I get a place of our own, I plan to get back into

> rescue. I also told him I have a 2 cat rule... no kitties should be lonely

> when their humans are at work. They are so much more fun in pairs anyway.

> He just laughed & said " ok, that's fine " .

>

> So when I was getting ready to go back to school, I made a " motivational "

> poster board collage. I put pictures of nice apartments, houses, of fiance

> & his kids... even one of me. And of course, I included pictures of

> animals. I doubt I would be able to get my 2 girls back from my ex... but I

> also know he is taking very good care of him. That's the one thing we had

> very strongly in common, our desire to have pets & help homeless ones.

>

> Anyway, sorry to ramble. I miss them so much. I had pets as kids too,

> mostly cats & at my dad's. The one kitten my nada let me get... that's a

> heartbreaking story. I loved that kitty so much and we only had him about 6

> months. She had a garage sale & was selling a sleeper-sofa which was still

> in the house. When a woman inquired, nada took her inside to see it. She

> saw my kitty & said " oh what a cute cat! " Nada said, " If you buy the sofa,

> you can have the cat. " The woman bought the sofa & took my cat!

>

> I was so upset! I had been at my dad's for the weekend. I came home & was

> looking all over for my cat, panicking that he got out or was hurt or dead

> somewhere. Nada just let me panic like that for close to an hour before she

> told me. I was about 11 or 12 at the time and I said " I can't believe you

> got rid of my kitty! " She said, " You never took care of it anyway. " Oh, I

> call bull sh** on that one. Yes I did too! I cleaned that box every other

> day, fed & watered every day and played with that cat EVERY DAY. He was the

> one " person " in that house that loved me unconditionally.

>

> Anyway, now I'm really crying lol. I hate nadas. And I love pets. They

> are not just pets, they are family & in my opinion, soul mates. There are

> not enough words to describe how much I love & respect my pets.

>

> Mia

>

>

>

>> , sometimes I read your posts & think " ok lady, get out of my

>> head " lol. What you said about spirituality & religion is pretty much my

>> view too.

>>

>> Mia

>>

>> On Tue, Jan 4, 2011 at 7:49 AM, christine.depizan <

>> christine.depizan@...> wrote:

>>

>>>

>>>

>>> Yenaine,thank you so much for every single word you wrote here It

>>> means alot to me that you took the time to respond so compassionately--in

>>> truth what I was writing about feels like such a deep vulnerability to me,it

>>> feels like baring my soul and then I'm sure no one would understand...I've

>>> always been,or as long as I can remember,a very spiritual person and growing

>>> up like that was like being systematically starved.I don't think I could

>>> ever follow a religion,me personally.I have a " live and let live " attitude

>>> about religion but I think it's just impossible to manage existing without

>>> meaning,of some sort.And not really possible to " make meaning " from the

>>> ashes of total despair because what greater sense can be derived from that?

>>> I don't hate " God " and didn't mean to give that impression,I've just had to

>>> find my way to a different way of seeing...I can't and have never been able

>>> to reconcile myself to the idea that existence itself should be pointless

>>> and I think that's why my feeling so alone in a cold world was such agony to

>>> me.

>>>

>>> Thank you thank you for all your sweet and kind words

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> >

>>> > Holly cow Cristine! Reading your post made me wish to strangle your

>>> nada with my bare hands...She should be in prision or somebody had to remove

>>> you from that poison woman as soon as you were born!!! Giving her child a

>>> cat for her substitute ( and wishing that maybe the cat will incidentally

>>> " resolve " the " problem " . GRHARHG!!!!) Not to mention the way she treated (

>>> or better say not treader) you!! It is a miracle you are alive and sane. It

>>> is normal that you still have some issues to resolve but you should be proud

>>> of your ( stubborn.:-)) self not to surrender and to heal so much already.

>>> You should write a book about your life for sure.

>>> >

>>> > A biiiiiiig, warm, kind and loving hug for you! You really are a

>>> special person and even you don't have a " loving " relation with " God " I see

>>> a deep, wise and kind spirit in you.

>>> > Yenaine

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>

>>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh yeah, since I can't have cats or dogs here either due to fiance's

brothers having allergies... I have a hamster and a beta fish. We had a

beloved pet mouse for a year & a half too, she passed away about a month & a

half ago now. I miss her. I love the new hamster too, but he's crazy hyper

lol. I have tried all my tricks for getting rodents to get used to me.. not

working. His name is " Domo " ... he's a " robovinsky dwarf hamster " . The guy

at the pet store called him a " robo " and I couldn't get the song " Mr.

Roboto " out of my head... that was almost his name, but I went with " Domo "

instead... " Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto... Domo! (domo) Domo! (domo) " LOL.

My beta fish... " sushi " (lol) is about 2 years old now. That's the longest

I've ever had a beta before. I hope he sticks around a lot longer too.

Anyway, I'll shush now.

Mia

> I thought I replied to this at one time, but I'd like to say a little more

> too about the wonderful animals we love.

>

> I'm a big animal person. I used to do rescue & fostered, man I loved it!

> I had a house full... 4 cats, 2 dogs & a chinchilla that were mine plus at

> least 1 or 2 fosters running around (once we had a whole litter of

> puppies...omg!!! it was awesome hehe... messy too, but I loved it!)

>

> When I went through my divorce, it was very amicable. Ex & I did most of

> the work ourselves, but I did hire a lawyer. He paid for half. That's not

> to say we " shared " a lawyer... she was my representative. We really just

> wanted someone to do the paperwork.

>

> We sat down together & went very throughly over " custody " of the pets. It

> was so damn hearbreaking. In the end, we decided I would take my two female

> kitties and he would keep the others only because I didn't know where I

> would end up (apartment with animal rules, whatever.)

>

> Well, it turned out where I ended up... no pets allowed due to housemates

> having allergies. I couldn't afford anywhere else... I was devistated!

>

> He of course was happy to keep the 2 kitties, but I can't tell you how very

> much I miss them & feel like I abandoned them. They were like my little fur

> children and even typing this I am in tears. I miss them every day.

>

> One day when fiance & I get a place of our own, I plan to get back into

> rescue. I also told him I have a 2 cat rule... no kitties should be lonely

> when their humans are at work. They are so much more fun in pairs anyway.

> He just laughed & said " ok, that's fine " .

>

> So when I was getting ready to go back to school, I made a " motivational "

> poster board collage. I put pictures of nice apartments, houses, of fiance

> & his kids... even one of me. And of course, I included pictures of

> animals. I doubt I would be able to get my 2 girls back from my ex... but I

> also know he is taking very good care of him. That's the one thing we had

> very strongly in common, our desire to have pets & help homeless ones.

>

> Anyway, sorry to ramble. I miss them so much. I had pets as kids too,

> mostly cats & at my dad's. The one kitten my nada let me get... that's a

> heartbreaking story. I loved that kitty so much and we only had him about 6

> months. She had a garage sale & was selling a sleeper-sofa which was still

> in the house. When a woman inquired, nada took her inside to see it. She

> saw my kitty & said " oh what a cute cat! " Nada said, " If you buy the sofa,

> you can have the cat. " The woman bought the sofa & took my cat!

>

> I was so upset! I had been at my dad's for the weekend. I came home & was

> looking all over for my cat, panicking that he got out or was hurt or dead

> somewhere. Nada just let me panic like that for close to an hour before she

> told me. I was about 11 or 12 at the time and I said " I can't believe you

> got rid of my kitty! " She said, " You never took care of it anyway. " Oh, I

> call bull sh** on that one. Yes I did too! I cleaned that box every other

> day, fed & watered every day and played with that cat EVERY DAY. He was the

> one " person " in that house that loved me unconditionally.

>

> Anyway, now I'm really crying lol. I hate nadas. And I love pets. They

> are not just pets, they are family & in my opinion, soul mates. There are

> not enough words to describe how much I love & respect my pets.

>

> Mia

>

>

>

>> , sometimes I read your posts & think " ok lady, get out of my

>> head " lol. What you said about spirituality & religion is pretty much my

>> view too.

>>

>> Mia

>>

>> On Tue, Jan 4, 2011 at 7:49 AM, christine.depizan <

>> christine.depizan@...> wrote:

>>

>>>

>>>

>>> Yenaine,thank you so much for every single word you wrote here It

>>> means alot to me that you took the time to respond so compassionately--in

>>> truth what I was writing about feels like such a deep vulnerability to me,it

>>> feels like baring my soul and then I'm sure no one would understand...I've

>>> always been,or as long as I can remember,a very spiritual person and growing

>>> up like that was like being systematically starved.I don't think I could

>>> ever follow a religion,me personally.I have a " live and let live " attitude

>>> about religion but I think it's just impossible to manage existing without

>>> meaning,of some sort.And not really possible to " make meaning " from the

>>> ashes of total despair because what greater sense can be derived from that?

>>> I don't hate " God " and didn't mean to give that impression,I've just had to

>>> find my way to a different way of seeing...I can't and have never been able

>>> to reconcile myself to the idea that existence itself should be pointless

>>> and I think that's why my feeling so alone in a cold world was such agony to

>>> me.

>>>

>>> Thank you thank you for all your sweet and kind words

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> >

>>> > Holly cow Cristine! Reading your post made me wish to strangle your

>>> nada with my bare hands...She should be in prision or somebody had to remove

>>> you from that poison woman as soon as you were born!!! Giving her child a

>>> cat for her substitute ( and wishing that maybe the cat will incidentally

>>> " resolve " the " problem " . GRHARHG!!!!) Not to mention the way she treated (

>>> or better say not treader) you!! It is a miracle you are alive and sane. It

>>> is normal that you still have some issues to resolve but you should be proud

>>> of your ( stubborn.:-)) self not to surrender and to heal so much already.

>>> You should write a book about your life for sure.

>>> >

>>> > A biiiiiiig, warm, kind and loving hug for you! You really are a

>>> special person and even you don't have a " loving " relation with " God " I see

>>> a deep, wise and kind spirit in you.

>>> > Yenaine

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>

>>

>

[Guest guest]

,first of all,THANK YOU!!!! from the bottom of my heart

You've written such a beautiful post,so much that as I was reading it, I

could *feel* the goodness in the spirit of your words.

I can't do justice to how helpful your words are to me right now

because I have to go to work very soon,so I will reply properly later.Your post

was ENORMOUSLY helpful!!!!

I hope you have a lovely day! Thank you!

>

> Hi , how are you holding up today? Your recollections about so many

animals, some comfort and much trauma moved me very much (as I can be while on

this SSRI right now, it's got me pretty numbed out) - I'm so sorry that these

have been your experiences, it shouldn't have to be this way if life was just,

fair...but we know that's not how it works. Still the light shining from it all

was that this cat, just a simple animal came to you as an infant and gave you

comfort. Can you imagine what a difference that may have made for your

developing mind, for you very soul at that point? In that I see grace.

>

> For me too animals were the saving grace as I grew up. Also for me too like

for you, some of my most traumatic memories involved their deaths or suffering.

My mother's neglect of cherished pets or not shielding me from seeing horrible

things I cannot bear to recount now. I had a similar crisis of faith when I was

in 8th grade when I was being bullied to the point of feeling suicidal - praying

to God for deliverance and receiving none. It took a long time and certain

direct spiritual experiences to convince me in the reality of God but also that

things don't work in a direct request/answer way. Faith is such a personal

thing that even if I share what feels true for me that wouldn't make it feel

true for you necessarily. I would agree with Yenaine that your wisdom and deep

nature shine through and that faith isn't only about what we believe but how we

choose to be in the world. And in that I suspect you have a greater faith than

you know.

>

> When I lost my dear cat that I mentioned earlier, it was as if the sum total

of all my unresolved pain rushed up with the grief for her and overwhelmed me.

My self-control was shattered, I'd break down and cry in public talking to

strangers for the least reason. And there was no solace. She had been my

solace more than I ever knew while she was with me. Still months later I've

found an equilibrium again. It *does* get better . Hold on and take

care.

>

>

[Guest guest]

,first of all,THANK YOU!!!! from the bottom of my heart

You've written such a beautiful post,so much that as I was reading it, I

could *feel* the goodness in the spirit of your words.

I can't do justice to how helpful your words are to me right now

because I have to go to work very soon,so I will reply properly later.Your post

was ENORMOUSLY helpful!!!!

I hope you have a lovely day! Thank you!

>

> Hi , how are you holding up today? Your recollections about so many

animals, some comfort and much trauma moved me very much (as I can be while on

this SSRI right now, it's got me pretty numbed out) - I'm so sorry that these

have been your experiences, it shouldn't have to be this way if life was just,

fair...but we know that's not how it works. Still the light shining from it all

was that this cat, just a simple animal came to you as an infant and gave you

comfort. Can you imagine what a difference that may have made for your

developing mind, for you very soul at that point? In that I see grace.

>

> For me too animals were the saving grace as I grew up. Also for me too like

for you, some of my most traumatic memories involved their deaths or suffering.

My mother's neglect of cherished pets or not shielding me from seeing horrible

things I cannot bear to recount now. I had a similar crisis of faith when I was

in 8th grade when I was being bullied to the point of feeling suicidal - praying

to God for deliverance and receiving none. It took a long time and certain

direct spiritual experiences to convince me in the reality of God but also that

things don't work in a direct request/answer way. Faith is such a personal

thing that even if I share what feels true for me that wouldn't make it feel

true for you necessarily. I would agree with Yenaine that your wisdom and deep

nature shine through and that faith isn't only about what we believe but how we

choose to be in the world. And in that I suspect you have a greater faith than

you know.

>

> When I lost my dear cat that I mentioned earlier, it was as if the sum total

of all my unresolved pain rushed up with the grief for her and overwhelmed me.

My self-control was shattered, I'd break down and cry in public talking to

strangers for the least reason. And there was no solace. She had been my

solace more than I ever knew while she was with me. Still months later I've

found an equilibrium again. It *does* get better . Hold on and take

care.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I'm so sorry about your dear cat--for some reason when you mentioned

her passing earlier I thought that must have happened quite some time ago and

had no idea it was fairly recently.The way you describe how you felt is

*exactly* what I've been going through--that there is no solace (great choice of

word BTW) and yes,precisely,that the sum total of all my own unresolved pain

rushed up with my grief over Bunny.Thank you so much for putting that into words

for me,this is what I've needed: the words to express it; the thoughts to put to

it.Because from the moment Bunny died something really weird happened to my

brain: I could not think right.

Of course when fada died I felt really traumatized,but my mind was

still working.It was terrible and deeply tragic that our relationship ended the

same messed up way it had always been,but I could put thoughts to that and I

*knew* what it all was.With Bunny it was like my ability to think at all broke

down; when I was posting about him on here and in my other posts too on other

topics I had to struggle to find every single word,had to struggle to be

rational.

I've thought many times that our cat,Moppet,saved my psychological life

when I was an infant.But I never consciously thought of her healing presence as

a form of grace,until you said that.

And I think that reaches to the core of my deep woundedness about

animals--that there was this grace in my life amidst so much horror; that this

cat had the vastness of spirit to *care* so compassionately for a helpless

crying creature (me!)--but there was so much WRONG going on that eclipsed that

very beauty of spirit and goodness and grace so that it couldn't just BE.

My first word was " kijjie " ,an attempt at saying " kitty " .Not " mama " .Nada

recorded this in my baby book,that I was saying " kijjie " and " Moppo " two months

before I ever addressed *her* by a name and that when I did,I didn't say " mama "

like babies do,but rather clinically just called her " Mom " .She was upset and

angry that I called for " kijjie " with such joy and when I was an adult had the

gall to say, " You were a fool.You didn't realize that I was your mother. "

A " fool " for loving--and naming---the one who loved *me*.And

now,instead of simply seeing love as divine grace,I often fear that it will make

a fool of me.I felt that way long before nada ever came out and verbalized it.

That nada wouldn't know grace if it fell on her head and she

consistently sullied whatever grace did come into my life as a child.Until I

could no longer see it myself.

The day she handed Moppet over to be euthanized it was like she was

abandoning an angel--in effect *spitting* on her angelic nature by not honoring

it at all--and forcing me to do the same by accompanying her in the act.

When I read your post I realized that all of the agonized dying

inside I felt so many times when our pets or other animals/creatures died or

were threatened was my spirit refusing to just accept evil.My pain,although it

felt like " knowing " that there is no meaning and no hope,was itself a rejection

of evil.

Pointless destruction *still* rends my spirit and now that you mention

it,that *is* faith,to resist it.Faith--I didn't realize this before--in the

creative power of goodness or at least keeping faith with its potential or

wanting somehow to keep it alive.And in that,also,I see grace

I'm so sorry too that you also had such awful experiences.You're a

remarkable person to have emerged from that environment with such spiritual

substance of character.

Thank you again so much for your post.What you said made me think--and

touched me more--than I can actually express

>

> Hi , how are you holding up today? Your recollections about so many

animals, some comfort and much trauma moved me very much (as I can be while on

this SSRI right now, it's got me pretty numbed out) - I'm so sorry that these

have been your experiences, it shouldn't have to be this way if life was just,

fair...but we know that's not how it works. Still the light shining from it all

was that this cat, just a simple animal came to you as an infant and gave you

comfort. Can you imagine what a difference that may have made for your

developing mind, for you very soul at that point? In that I see grace.

>

> For me too animals were the saving grace as I grew up. Also for me too like

for you, some of my most traumatic memories involved their deaths or suffering.

My mother's neglect of cherished pets or not shielding me from seeing horrible

things I cannot bear to recount now. I had a similar crisis of faith when I was

in 8th grade when I was being bullied to the point of feeling suicidal - praying

to God for deliverance and receiving none. It took a long time and certain

direct spiritual experiences to convince me in the reality of God but also that

things don't work in a direct request/answer way. Faith is such a personal

thing that even if I share what feels true for me that wouldn't make it feel

true for you necessarily. I would agree with Yenaine that your wisdom and deep

nature shine through and that faith isn't only about what we believe but how we

choose to be in the world. And in that I suspect you have a greater faith than

you know.

>

> When I lost my dear cat that I mentioned earlier, it was as if the sum total

of all my unresolved pain rushed up with the grief for her and overwhelmed me.

My self-control was shattered, I'd break down and cry in public talking to

strangers for the least reason. And there was no solace. She had been my

solace more than I ever knew while she was with me. Still months later I've

found an equilibrium again. It *does* get better . Hold on and take

care.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I'm so sorry about your dear cat--for some reason when you mentioned

her passing earlier I thought that must have happened quite some time ago and

had no idea it was fairly recently.The way you describe how you felt is

*exactly* what I've been going through--that there is no solace (great choice of

word BTW) and yes,precisely,that the sum total of all my own unresolved pain

rushed up with my grief over Bunny.Thank you so much for putting that into words

for me,this is what I've needed: the words to express it; the thoughts to put to

it.Because from the moment Bunny died something really weird happened to my

brain: I could not think right.

Of course when fada died I felt really traumatized,but my mind was

still working.It was terrible and deeply tragic that our relationship ended the

same messed up way it had always been,but I could put thoughts to that and I

*knew* what it all was.With Bunny it was like my ability to think at all broke

down; when I was posting about him on here and in my other posts too on other

topics I had to struggle to find every single word,had to struggle to be

rational.

I've thought many times that our cat,Moppet,saved my psychological life

when I was an infant.But I never consciously thought of her healing presence as

a form of grace,until you said that.

And I think that reaches to the core of my deep woundedness about

animals--that there was this grace in my life amidst so much horror; that this

cat had the vastness of spirit to *care* so compassionately for a helpless

crying creature (me!)--but there was so much WRONG going on that eclipsed that

very beauty of spirit and goodness and grace so that it couldn't just BE.

My first word was " kijjie " ,an attempt at saying " kitty " .Not " mama " .Nada

recorded this in my baby book,that I was saying " kijjie " and " Moppo " two months

before I ever addressed *her* by a name and that when I did,I didn't say " mama "

like babies do,but rather clinically just called her " Mom " .She was upset and

angry that I called for " kijjie " with such joy and when I was an adult had the

gall to say, " You were a fool.You didn't realize that I was your mother. "

A " fool " for loving--and naming---the one who loved *me*.And

now,instead of simply seeing love as divine grace,I often fear that it will make

a fool of me.I felt that way long before nada ever came out and verbalized it.

That nada wouldn't know grace if it fell on her head and she

consistently sullied whatever grace did come into my life as a child.Until I

could no longer see it myself.

The day she handed Moppet over to be euthanized it was like she was

abandoning an angel--in effect *spitting* on her angelic nature by not honoring

it at all--and forcing me to do the same by accompanying her in the act.

When I read your post I realized that all of the agonized dying

inside I felt so many times when our pets or other animals/creatures died or

were threatened was my spirit refusing to just accept evil.My pain,although it

felt like " knowing " that there is no meaning and no hope,was itself a rejection

of evil.

Pointless destruction *still* rends my spirit and now that you mention

it,that *is* faith,to resist it.Faith--I didn't realize this before--in the

creative power of goodness or at least keeping faith with its potential or

wanting somehow to keep it alive.And in that,also,I see grace

I'm so sorry too that you also had such awful experiences.You're a

remarkable person to have emerged from that environment with such spiritual

substance of character.

Thank you again so much for your post.What you said made me think--and

touched me more--than I can actually express

>

> Hi , how are you holding up today? Your recollections about so many

animals, some comfort and much trauma moved me very much (as I can be while on

this SSRI right now, it's got me pretty numbed out) - I'm so sorry that these

have been your experiences, it shouldn't have to be this way if life was just,

fair...but we know that's not how it works. Still the light shining from it all

was that this cat, just a simple animal came to you as an infant and gave you

comfort. Can you imagine what a difference that may have made for your

developing mind, for you very soul at that point? In that I see grace.

>

> For me too animals were the saving grace as I grew up. Also for me too like

for you, some of my most traumatic memories involved their deaths or suffering.

My mother's neglect of cherished pets or not shielding me from seeing horrible

things I cannot bear to recount now. I had a similar crisis of faith when I was

in 8th grade when I was being bullied to the point of feeling suicidal - praying

to God for deliverance and receiving none. It took a long time and certain

direct spiritual experiences to convince me in the reality of God but also that

things don't work in a direct request/answer way. Faith is such a personal

thing that even if I share what feels true for me that wouldn't make it feel

true for you necessarily. I would agree with Yenaine that your wisdom and deep

nature shine through and that faith isn't only about what we believe but how we

choose to be in the world. And in that I suspect you have a greater faith than

you know.

>

> When I lost my dear cat that I mentioned earlier, it was as if the sum total

of all my unresolved pain rushed up with the grief for her and overwhelmed me.

My self-control was shattered, I'd break down and cry in public talking to

strangers for the least reason. And there was no solace. She had been my

solace more than I ever knew while she was with me. Still months later I've

found an equilibrium again. It *does* get better . Hold on and take

care.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi , I'm so glad my post was helpful to you. I can relate to what a

hellish difficult spot it is. I'm *amazed* at your nada calling YOU a fool for

not knowing who your mother was. You KNEW! It says everything about her that

you instinctively attached to Moppet and not her. She was the fool...an overly

generous description for her. And she handled Moppet's euthanization horribly

too - it's a traumatic thing for a child to lose a beloved pet and the way she

handled it shows her complete lack of empathy.

What you said about your distress and fighting against evil as your form of

faith really makes sense to me. You definitely seem a warrior spirit to me born

into the battle from the start - if you'll forgive the dramatics I think all

of us KO's get born into a situation that from the start works to squelch our

potential and growth, even threatens life itself and our desire to still thrive

despite it is working for good to triumph over evil. To work not to pass it

down to the next generation, to find a new and better way, to bring good back

into the equation.

Back to cats, it wasn't until I spread my dear Lady's ashes that I felt my grief

shift some. I did kind of a little funeral thing and imagined her spirit

running free in the beautiful place I put the ashes to become a part of. Maybe

some kind of ceremony like that would help?

P.S. - One addition....only four weeks after Lady died I had a trip scheduled to

visit the FOO. I knew I was just broken open and there was no way I'd be able

to protect myself from them - or them from me. I canceled the trip and my nada

said sadly - wouldn't coming here cheer you up? It was so clear that she still

lives in this fantasy land in which trips " home " for me are supposed to be these

joyous occasions strengthening of the spirit - and maybe it is for her, but

never for me. So I'd encourage you too to honor your vulnerability right now

and don't force yourself to do anything that requires you to be able to wall

yourself off or exposes you to triggers.

>

> Hi ,

>

> I'm so sorry about your dear cat--for some reason when you mentioned

her passing earlier I thought that must have happened quite some time ago and

had no idea it was fairly recently.The way you describe how you felt is

*exactly* what I've been going through--that there is no solace (great choice of

word BTW) and yes,precisely,that the sum total of all my own unresolved pain

rushed up with my grief over Bunny.Thank you so much for putting that into words

for me,this is what I've needed: the words to express it; the thoughts to put to

it.Because from the moment Bunny died something really weird happened to my

brain: I could not think right.

>

> Of course when fada died I felt really traumatized,but my mind was

still working.It was terrible and deeply tragic that our relationship ended the

same messed up way it had always been,but I could put thoughts to that and I

*knew* what it all was.With Bunny it was like my ability to think at all broke

down; when I was posting about him on here and in my other posts too on other

topics I had to struggle to find every single word,had to struggle to be

rational.

>

> I've thought many times that our cat,Moppet,saved my psychological

life when I was an infant.But I never consciously thought of her healing

presence as a form of grace,until you said that.

>

> And I think that reaches to the core of my deep woundedness about

animals--that there was this grace in my life amidst so much horror; that this

cat had the vastness of spirit to *care* so compassionately for a helpless

crying creature (me!)--but there was so much WRONG going on that eclipsed that

very beauty of spirit and goodness and grace so that it couldn't just BE.

>

> My first word was " kijjie " ,an attempt at saying " kitty " .Not

" mama " .Nada recorded this in my baby book,that I was saying " kijjie " and " Moppo "

two months before I ever addressed *her* by a name and that when I did,I didn't

say " mama " like babies do,but rather clinically just called her " Mom " .She was

upset and angry that I called for " kijjie " with such joy and when I was an adult

had the gall to say, " You were a fool.You didn't realize that I was your mother. "

>

> A " fool " for loving--and naming---the one who loved *me*.And

now,instead of simply seeing love as divine grace,I often fear that it will make

a fool of me.I felt that way long before nada ever came out and verbalized it.

>

> That nada wouldn't know grace if it fell on her head and she

consistently sullied whatever grace did come into my life as a child.Until I

could no longer see it myself.

>

> The day she handed Moppet over to be euthanized it was like she was

abandoning an angel--in effect *spitting* on her angelic nature by not honoring

it at all--and forcing me to do the same by accompanying her in the act.

>

> When I read your post I realized that all of the agonized dying

inside I felt so many times when our pets or other animals/creatures died or

were threatened was my spirit refusing to just accept evil.My pain,although it

felt like " knowing " that there is no meaning and no hope,was itself a rejection

of evil.

>

> Pointless destruction *still* rends my spirit and now that you

mention it,that *is* faith,to resist it.Faith--I didn't realize this before--in

the creative power of goodness or at least keeping faith with its potential or

wanting somehow to keep it alive.And in that,also,I see grace

>

> I'm so sorry too that you also had such awful experiences.You're a

remarkable person to have emerged from that environment with such spiritual

substance of character.

>

> Thank you again so much for your post.What you said made me

think--and touched me more--than I can actually express

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi , I'm so glad my post was helpful to you. I can relate to what a

hellish difficult spot it is. I'm *amazed* at your nada calling YOU a fool for

not knowing who your mother was. You KNEW! It says everything about her that

you instinctively attached to Moppet and not her. She was the fool...an overly

generous description for her. And she handled Moppet's euthanization horribly

too - it's a traumatic thing for a child to lose a beloved pet and the way she

handled it shows her complete lack of empathy.

What you said about your distress and fighting against evil as your form of

faith really makes sense to me. You definitely seem a warrior spirit to me born

into the battle from the start - if you'll forgive the dramatics I think all

of us KO's get born into a situation that from the start works to squelch our

potential and growth, even threatens life itself and our desire to still thrive

despite it is working for good to triumph over evil. To work not to pass it

down to the next generation, to find a new and better way, to bring good back

into the equation.

Back to cats, it wasn't until I spread my dear Lady's ashes that I felt my grief

shift some. I did kind of a little funeral thing and imagined her spirit

running free in the beautiful place I put the ashes to become a part of. Maybe

some kind of ceremony like that would help?

P.S. - One addition....only four weeks after Lady died I had a trip scheduled to

visit the FOO. I knew I was just broken open and there was no way I'd be able

to protect myself from them - or them from me. I canceled the trip and my nada

said sadly - wouldn't coming here cheer you up? It was so clear that she still

lives in this fantasy land in which trips " home " for me are supposed to be these

joyous occasions strengthening of the spirit - and maybe it is for her, but

never for me. So I'd encourage you too to honor your vulnerability right now

and don't force yourself to do anything that requires you to be able to wall

yourself off or exposes you to triggers.

>

> Hi ,

>

> I'm so sorry about your dear cat--for some reason when you mentioned

her passing earlier I thought that must have happened quite some time ago and

had no idea it was fairly recently.The way you describe how you felt is

*exactly* what I've been going through--that there is no solace (great choice of

word BTW) and yes,precisely,that the sum total of all my own unresolved pain

rushed up with my grief over Bunny.Thank you so much for putting that into words

for me,this is what I've needed: the words to express it; the thoughts to put to

it.Because from the moment Bunny died something really weird happened to my

brain: I could not think right.

>

> Of course when fada died I felt really traumatized,but my mind was

still working.It was terrible and deeply tragic that our relationship ended the

same messed up way it had always been,but I could put thoughts to that and I

*knew* what it all was.With Bunny it was like my ability to think at all broke

down; when I was posting about him on here and in my other posts too on other

topics I had to struggle to find every single word,had to struggle to be

rational.

>

> I've thought many times that our cat,Moppet,saved my psychological

life when I was an infant.But I never consciously thought of her healing

presence as a form of grace,until you said that.

>

> And I think that reaches to the core of my deep woundedness about

animals--that there was this grace in my life amidst so much horror; that this

cat had the vastness of spirit to *care* so compassionately for a helpless

crying creature (me!)--but there was so much WRONG going on that eclipsed that

very beauty of spirit and goodness and grace so that it couldn't just BE.

>

> My first word was " kijjie " ,an attempt at saying " kitty " .Not

" mama " .Nada recorded this in my baby book,that I was saying " kijjie " and " Moppo "

two months before I ever addressed *her* by a name and that when I did,I didn't

say " mama " like babies do,but rather clinically just called her " Mom " .She was

upset and angry that I called for " kijjie " with such joy and when I was an adult

had the gall to say, " You were a fool.You didn't realize that I was your mother. "

>

> A " fool " for loving--and naming---the one who loved *me*.And

now,instead of simply seeing love as divine grace,I often fear that it will make

a fool of me.I felt that way long before nada ever came out and verbalized it.

>

> That nada wouldn't know grace if it fell on her head and she

consistently sullied whatever grace did come into my life as a child.Until I

could no longer see it myself.

>

> The day she handed Moppet over to be euthanized it was like she was

abandoning an angel--in effect *spitting* on her angelic nature by not honoring

it at all--and forcing me to do the same by accompanying her in the act.

>

> When I read your post I realized that all of the agonized dying

inside I felt so many times when our pets or other animals/creatures died or

were threatened was my spirit refusing to just accept evil.My pain,although it

felt like " knowing " that there is no meaning and no hope,was itself a rejection

of evil.

>

> Pointless destruction *still* rends my spirit and now that you

mention it,that *is* faith,to resist it.Faith--I didn't realize this before--in

the creative power of goodness or at least keeping faith with its potential or

wanting somehow to keep it alive.And in that,also,I see grace

>

> I'm so sorry too that you also had such awful experiences.You're a

remarkable person to have emerged from that environment with such spiritual

substance of character.

>

> Thank you again so much for your post.What you said made me

think--and touched me more--than I can actually express

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi , I'm so glad my post was helpful to you. I can relate to what a

hellish difficult spot it is. I'm *amazed* at your nada calling YOU a fool for

not knowing who your mother was. You KNEW! It says everything about her that

you instinctively attached to Moppet and not her. She was the fool...an overly

generous description for her. And she handled Moppet's euthanization horribly

too - it's a traumatic thing for a child to lose a beloved pet and the way she

handled it shows her complete lack of empathy.

What you said about your distress and fighting against evil as your form of

faith really makes sense to me. You definitely seem a warrior spirit to me born

into the battle from the start - if you'll forgive the dramatics I think all

of us KO's get born into a situation that from the start works to squelch our

potential and growth, even threatens life itself and our desire to still thrive

despite it is working for good to triumph over evil. To work not to pass it

down to the next generation, to find a new and better way, to bring good back

into the equation.

Back to cats, it wasn't until I spread my dear Lady's ashes that I felt my grief

shift some. I did kind of a little funeral thing and imagined her spirit

running free in the beautiful place I put the ashes to become a part of. Maybe

some kind of ceremony like that would help?

P.S. - One addition....only four weeks after Lady died I had a trip scheduled to

visit the FOO. I knew I was just broken open and there was no way I'd be able

to protect myself from them - or them from me. I canceled the trip and my nada

said sadly - wouldn't coming here cheer you up? It was so clear that she still

lives in this fantasy land in which trips " home " for me are supposed to be these

joyous occasions strengthening of the spirit - and maybe it is for her, but

never for me. So I'd encourage you too to honor your vulnerability right now

and don't force yourself to do anything that requires you to be able to wall

yourself off or exposes you to triggers.

>

> Hi ,

>

> I'm so sorry about your dear cat--for some reason when you mentioned

her passing earlier I thought that must have happened quite some time ago and

had no idea it was fairly recently.The way you describe how you felt is

*exactly* what I've been going through--that there is no solace (great choice of

word BTW) and yes,precisely,that the sum total of all my own unresolved pain

rushed up with my grief over Bunny.Thank you so much for putting that into words

for me,this is what I've needed: the words to express it; the thoughts to put to

it.Because from the moment Bunny died something really weird happened to my

brain: I could not think right.

>

> Of course when fada died I felt really traumatized,but my mind was

still working.It was terrible and deeply tragic that our relationship ended the

same messed up way it had always been,but I could put thoughts to that and I

*knew* what it all was.With Bunny it was like my ability to think at all broke

down; when I was posting about him on here and in my other posts too on other

topics I had to struggle to find every single word,had to struggle to be

rational.

>

> I've thought many times that our cat,Moppet,saved my psychological

life when I was an infant.But I never consciously thought of her healing

presence as a form of grace,until you said that.

>

> And I think that reaches to the core of my deep woundedness about

animals--that there was this grace in my life amidst so much horror; that this

cat had the vastness of spirit to *care* so compassionately for a helpless

crying creature (me!)--but there was so much WRONG going on that eclipsed that

very beauty of spirit and goodness and grace so that it couldn't just BE.

>

> My first word was " kijjie " ,an attempt at saying " kitty " .Not

" mama " .Nada recorded this in my baby book,that I was saying " kijjie " and " Moppo "

two months before I ever addressed *her* by a name and that when I did,I didn't

say " mama " like babies do,but rather clinically just called her " Mom " .She was

upset and angry that I called for " kijjie " with such joy and when I was an adult

had the gall to say, " You were a fool.You didn't realize that I was your mother. "

>

> A " fool " for loving--and naming---the one who loved *me*.And

now,instead of simply seeing love as divine grace,I often fear that it will make

a fool of me.I felt that way long before nada ever came out and verbalized it.

>

> That nada wouldn't know grace if it fell on her head and she

consistently sullied whatever grace did come into my life as a child.Until I

could no longer see it myself.

>

> The day she handed Moppet over to be euthanized it was like she was

abandoning an angel--in effect *spitting* on her angelic nature by not honoring

it at all--and forcing me to do the same by accompanying her in the act.

>

> When I read your post I realized that all of the agonized dying

inside I felt so many times when our pets or other animals/creatures died or

were threatened was my spirit refusing to just accept evil.My pain,although it

felt like " knowing " that there is no meaning and no hope,was itself a rejection

of evil.

>

> Pointless destruction *still* rends my spirit and now that you

mention it,that *is* faith,to resist it.Faith--I didn't realize this before--in

the creative power of goodness or at least keeping faith with its potential or

wanting somehow to keep it alive.And in that,also,I see grace

>

> I'm so sorry too that you also had such awful experiences.You're a

remarkable person to have emerged from that environment with such spiritual

substance of character.

>

> Thank you again so much for your post.What you said made me

think--and touched me more--than I can actually express

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Thank you for the ceremony idea That's beautiful that you were able

to have such a ceremony for Lady,beautiful for you both.To imagine your loved

one's spirit running free in beauty,when you have to say goodbye,so that it

isn't really goodbye but reverencing the transition from one way of being to

another...

I couldn't deal with having Bunny cremated because of some things that

went on in my childhood that were also bound up in the reactions I was having to

his death.I buried him in the backyard.I tried to make something of a ceremony

about it,like in my own mind--and I did try to imagine him frolicking joyfully

in the yard,free now from any danger.But I'm not there yet,to be able to do that

without feeling anguish.Which I know is an anguish I also feel for myself

because if I imagine his innocence and purity I feel such terrible grief,a

grief--if I am honest--for my own stolen innocence and purity that runs deeper

than I'd ever realized.

So I try to imagine him free from all grief,and most especially from

mine,which I think is what you must have been imagining as well with Lady...for

me,this is happening slowly...and while his death has been horrendously

painful,it's also revealed so much to me about just *how* badly I was

hurt,although in an opening and healing way.He is,as Moppet was,an angel in that

sense.Perhaps we don't call our cats " angels with fur " for nothing!

It's too much to explain but I'm finally starting to see that I'm

not--and never was-- " the bad one " .Feeling like I'm " wrong " stretches back

further than this,but when nada had Moppet euthanized what she was also doing

was trying to knock me down,again.Moppet was starting to fail and she would have

needed to be released anyway but the time and the way that nada decided to do

that was calculated to bring me to my knees: that was bringing out the big

guns,and she knew it.She had been angry about my birthday party--long

story--that she had tried to ruin and wasn't able to (that's why she was

angry--insanely jealous of me,too).So about two weeks or so after that she gave

me this letter to give to the teacher that was calculated to humiliate me.I

don't think she imagined that the teacher would make that humiliation even

better by doing it publically,though.When I let her know that I was suffering

from this humiliation,she attempted to deal the final blow by telling me to go

ahead and kill myself.Instead,I treated what the teacher had done as a

declaration of war,one that I decided *I* was going to win.I wasn't falling

apart from what she had said to me.I was on a battle high because from the

moment I went back into school with my battle plans I realized that in the main

I was a superior strategist to that teacher and my plans were working beyond

even what I had hoped for and the tables were being turned on that bastard in my

favor.She saw that rather than me succumbing,I was gathering strength and

overcoming,so she decided it was time to kill the one thing I most cherished:

Moppet.She took advantage of my wanting to do the right thing and be there for

Moppet to get me to go with her to the vet's,then tricked me at the last moment

by just handing her over at the reception,knowing that as the " adult " and the

official owner that they would do as she said and she told them, " Just take her,I

can't handle this... " Knowing that my protests wouldn't be listened to because

she had successfully played the " victim card " for the millionth time although

for the millionth time she was in reality the perp--and that any insistence on

my part to " go with " Moppet just looked like me not caring about how my " poor

mother " felt OR that nobody was going to take me back there when they put her to

sleep if my mother wasn't sanctioning that.

She wanted to beat me down,in a way that she knew would *really* hurt

me.The problem was,I still had to win my war against the pedophile: I still had

to deal with him everyday.I couldn't afford to give in to my grief over Moppet

because if I backed down even temporarily from what I had started with the

pervert,he was going to gain ground and my intention the morning I went back

into school to destroy him was to take back ALL OF THE GROUND and to keep it.So

my grief had to be held in abeyance and yes,that felt like a profound betrayal

of Moppet and of everything that she had meant to me.It wasn't until I read your

post (and Yenaine's) that it finally started to sink in: I wasn't the " bad

guy " .And that Moppet,in her infinite grace,would know that.I've been carrying so

many burdens that were really nada's to bear for so many years.

Having your nada not get it when Lady died must surely have added to

your pain.I'm sorry,! You were wise to recognize your limits (and the

limits of the situation in general) and to choose your own emotional safety.You

did the right thing,absolutely,in choosing to honor your grief for Lady over

dutifully visiting your nada.And I think that Lady,in her infinite grace,must

have been very proud of you for taking care of yourself by canceling that trip.

Thank you so much for your insights and your sharing and just for being

you

>

> Hi , I'm so glad my post was helpful to you. I can relate to what a

hellish difficult spot it is. I'm *amazed* at your nada calling YOU a fool for

not knowing who your mother was. You KNEW! It says everything about her that

you instinctively attached to Moppet and not her. She was the fool...an overly

generous description for her. And she handled Moppet's euthanization horribly

too - it's a traumatic thing for a child to lose a beloved pet and the way she

handled it shows her complete lack of empathy.

>

> What you said about your distress and fighting against evil as your form of

faith really makes sense to me. You definitely seem a warrior spirit to me born

into the battle from the start - if you'll forgive the dramatics I think all

of us KO's get born into a situation that from the start works to squelch our

potential and growth, even threatens life itself and our desire to still thrive

despite it is working for good to triumph over evil. To work not to pass it

down to the next generation, to find a new and better way, to bring good back

into the equation.

>

> Back to cats, it wasn't until I spread my dear Lady's ashes that I felt my

grief shift some. I did kind of a little funeral thing and imagined her spirit

running free in the beautiful place I put the ashes to become a part of. Maybe

some kind of ceremony like that would help?

>

>

>

> P.S. - One addition....only four weeks after Lady died I had a trip scheduled

to visit the FOO. I knew I was just broken open and there was no way I'd be

able to protect myself from them - or them from me. I canceled the trip and my

nada said sadly - wouldn't coming here cheer you up? It was so clear that she

still lives in this fantasy land in which trips " home " for me are supposed to be

these joyous occasions strengthening of the spirit - and maybe it is for her,

but never for me. So I'd encourage you too to honor your vulnerability right

now and don't force yourself to do anything that requires you to be able to wall

yourself off or exposes you to triggers.

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Thank you for the ceremony idea That's beautiful that you were able

to have such a ceremony for Lady,beautiful for you both.To imagine your loved

one's spirit running free in beauty,when you have to say goodbye,so that it

isn't really goodbye but reverencing the transition from one way of being to

another...

I couldn't deal with having Bunny cremated because of some things that

went on in my childhood that were also bound up in the reactions I was having to

his death.I buried him in the backyard.I tried to make something of a ceremony

about it,like in my own mind--and I did try to imagine him frolicking joyfully

in the yard,free now from any danger.But I'm not there yet,to be able to do that

without feeling anguish.Which I know is an anguish I also feel for myself

because if I imagine his innocence and purity I feel such terrible grief,a

grief--if I am honest--for my own stolen innocence and purity that runs deeper

than I'd ever realized.

So I try to imagine him free from all grief,and most especially from

mine,which I think is what you must have been imagining as well with Lady...for

me,this is happening slowly...and while his death has been horrendously

painful,it's also revealed so much to me about just *how* badly I was

hurt,although in an opening and healing way.He is,as Moppet was,an angel in that

sense.Perhaps we don't call our cats " angels with fur " for nothing!

It's too much to explain but I'm finally starting to see that I'm

not--and never was-- " the bad one " .Feeling like I'm " wrong " stretches back

further than this,but when nada had Moppet euthanized what she was also doing

was trying to knock me down,again.Moppet was starting to fail and she would have

needed to be released anyway but the time and the way that nada decided to do

that was calculated to bring me to my knees: that was bringing out the big

guns,and she knew it.She had been angry about my birthday party--long

story--that she had tried to ruin and wasn't able to (that's why she was

angry--insanely jealous of me,too).So about two weeks or so after that she gave

me this letter to give to the teacher that was calculated to humiliate me.I

don't think she imagined that the teacher would make that humiliation even

better by doing it publically,though.When I let her know that I was suffering

from this humiliation,she attempted to deal the final blow by telling me to go

ahead and kill myself.Instead,I treated what the teacher had done as a

declaration of war,one that I decided *I* was going to win.I wasn't falling

apart from what she had said to me.I was on a battle high because from the

moment I went back into school with my battle plans I realized that in the main

I was a superior strategist to that teacher and my plans were working beyond

even what I had hoped for and the tables were being turned on that bastard in my

favor.She saw that rather than me succumbing,I was gathering strength and

overcoming,so she decided it was time to kill the one thing I most cherished:

Moppet.She took advantage of my wanting to do the right thing and be there for

Moppet to get me to go with her to the vet's,then tricked me at the last moment

by just handing her over at the reception,knowing that as the " adult " and the

official owner that they would do as she said and she told them, " Just take her,I

can't handle this... " Knowing that my protests wouldn't be listened to because

she had successfully played the " victim card " for the millionth time although

for the millionth time she was in reality the perp--and that any insistence on

my part to " go with " Moppet just looked like me not caring about how my " poor

mother " felt OR that nobody was going to take me back there when they put her to

sleep if my mother wasn't sanctioning that.

She wanted to beat me down,in a way that she knew would *really* hurt

me.The problem was,I still had to win my war against the pedophile: I still had

to deal with him everyday.I couldn't afford to give in to my grief over Moppet

because if I backed down even temporarily from what I had started with the

pervert,he was going to gain ground and my intention the morning I went back

into school to destroy him was to take back ALL OF THE GROUND and to keep it.So

my grief had to be held in abeyance and yes,that felt like a profound betrayal

of Moppet and of everything that she had meant to me.It wasn't until I read your

post (and Yenaine's) that it finally started to sink in: I wasn't the " bad

guy " .And that Moppet,in her infinite grace,would know that.I've been carrying so

many burdens that were really nada's to bear for so many years.

Having your nada not get it when Lady died must surely have added to

your pain.I'm sorry,! You were wise to recognize your limits (and the

limits of the situation in general) and to choose your own emotional safety.You

did the right thing,absolutely,in choosing to honor your grief for Lady over

dutifully visiting your nada.And I think that Lady,in her infinite grace,must

have been very proud of you for taking care of yourself by canceling that trip.

Thank you so much for your insights and your sharing and just for being

you

>

> Hi , I'm so glad my post was helpful to you. I can relate to what a

hellish difficult spot it is. I'm *amazed* at your nada calling YOU a fool for

not knowing who your mother was. You KNEW! It says everything about her that

you instinctively attached to Moppet and not her. She was the fool...an overly

generous description for her. And she handled Moppet's euthanization horribly

too - it's a traumatic thing for a child to lose a beloved pet and the way she

handled it shows her complete lack of empathy.

>

> What you said about your distress and fighting against evil as your form of

faith really makes sense to me. You definitely seem a warrior spirit to me born

into the battle from the start - if you'll forgive the dramatics I think all

of us KO's get born into a situation that from the start works to squelch our

potential and growth, even threatens life itself and our desire to still thrive

despite it is working for good to triumph over evil. To work not to pass it

down to the next generation, to find a new and better way, to bring good back

into the equation.

>

> Back to cats, it wasn't until I spread my dear Lady's ashes that I felt my

grief shift some. I did kind of a little funeral thing and imagined her spirit

running free in the beautiful place I put the ashes to become a part of. Maybe

some kind of ceremony like that would help?

>

>

>

> P.S. - One addition....only four weeks after Lady died I had a trip scheduled

to visit the FOO. I knew I was just broken open and there was no way I'd be

able to protect myself from them - or them from me. I canceled the trip and my

nada said sadly - wouldn't coming here cheer you up? It was so clear that she

still lives in this fantasy land in which trips " home " for me are supposed to be

these joyous occasions strengthening of the spirit - and maybe it is for her,

but never for me. So I'd encourage you too to honor your vulnerability right

now and don't force yourself to do anything that requires you to be able to wall

yourself off or exposes you to triggers.

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Thank you for the ceremony idea That's beautiful that you were able

to have such a ceremony for Lady,beautiful for you both.To imagine your loved

one's spirit running free in beauty,when you have to say goodbye,so that it

isn't really goodbye but reverencing the transition from one way of being to

another...

I couldn't deal with having Bunny cremated because of some things that

went on in my childhood that were also bound up in the reactions I was having to

his death.I buried him in the backyard.I tried to make something of a ceremony

about it,like in my own mind--and I did try to imagine him frolicking joyfully

in the yard,free now from any danger.But I'm not there yet,to be able to do that

without feeling anguish.Which I know is an anguish I also feel for myself

because if I imagine his innocence and purity I feel such terrible grief,a

grief--if I am honest--for my own stolen innocence and purity that runs deeper

than I'd ever realized.

So I try to imagine him free from all grief,and most especially from

mine,which I think is what you must have been imagining as well with Lady...for

me,this is happening slowly...and while his death has been horrendously

painful,it's also revealed so much to me about just *how* badly I was

hurt,although in an opening and healing way.He is,as Moppet was,an angel in that

sense.Perhaps we don't call our cats " angels with fur " for nothing!

It's too much to explain but I'm finally starting to see that I'm

not--and never was-- " the bad one " .Feeling like I'm " wrong " stretches back

further than this,but when nada had Moppet euthanized what she was also doing

was trying to knock me down,again.Moppet was starting to fail and she would have

needed to be released anyway but the time and the way that nada decided to do

that was calculated to bring me to my knees: that was bringing out the big

guns,and she knew it.She had been angry about my birthday party--long

story--that she had tried to ruin and wasn't able to (that's why she was

angry--insanely jealous of me,too).So about two weeks or so after that she gave

me this letter to give to the teacher that was calculated to humiliate me.I

don't think she imagined that the teacher would make that humiliation even

better by doing it publically,though.When I let her know that I was suffering

from this humiliation,she attempted to deal the final blow by telling me to go

ahead and kill myself.Instead,I treated what the teacher had done as a

declaration of war,one that I decided *I* was going to win.I wasn't falling

apart from what she had said to me.I was on a battle high because from the

moment I went back into school with my battle plans I realized that in the main

I was a superior strategist to that teacher and my plans were working beyond

even what I had hoped for and the tables were being turned on that bastard in my

favor.She saw that rather than me succumbing,I was gathering strength and

overcoming,so she decided it was time to kill the one thing I most cherished:

Moppet.She took advantage of my wanting to do the right thing and be there for

Moppet to get me to go with her to the vet's,then tricked me at the last moment

by just handing her over at the reception,knowing that as the " adult " and the

official owner that they would do as she said and she told them, " Just take her,I

can't handle this... " Knowing that my protests wouldn't be listened to because

she had successfully played the " victim card " for the millionth time although

for the millionth time she was in reality the perp--and that any insistence on

my part to " go with " Moppet just looked like me not caring about how my " poor

mother " felt OR that nobody was going to take me back there when they put her to

sleep if my mother wasn't sanctioning that.

She wanted to beat me down,in a way that she knew would *really* hurt

me.The problem was,I still had to win my war against the pedophile: I still had

to deal with him everyday.I couldn't afford to give in to my grief over Moppet

because if I backed down even temporarily from what I had started with the

pervert,he was going to gain ground and my intention the morning I went back

into school to destroy him was to take back ALL OF THE GROUND and to keep it.So

my grief had to be held in abeyance and yes,that felt like a profound betrayal

of Moppet and of everything that she had meant to me.It wasn't until I read your

post (and Yenaine's) that it finally started to sink in: I wasn't the " bad

guy " .And that Moppet,in her infinite grace,would know that.I've been carrying so

many burdens that were really nada's to bear for so many years.

Having your nada not get it when Lady died must surely have added to

your pain.I'm sorry,! You were wise to recognize your limits (and the

limits of the situation in general) and to choose your own emotional safety.You

did the right thing,absolutely,in choosing to honor your grief for Lady over

dutifully visiting your nada.And I think that Lady,in her infinite grace,must

have been very proud of you for taking care of yourself by canceling that trip.

Thank you so much for your insights and your sharing and just for being

you

>

> Hi , I'm so glad my post was helpful to you. I can relate to what a

hellish difficult spot it is. I'm *amazed* at your nada calling YOU a fool for

not knowing who your mother was. You KNEW! It says everything about her that

you instinctively attached to Moppet and not her. She was the fool...an overly

generous description for her. And she handled Moppet's euthanization horribly

too - it's a traumatic thing for a child to lose a beloved pet and the way she

handled it shows her complete lack of empathy.

>

> What you said about your distress and fighting against evil as your form of

faith really makes sense to me. You definitely seem a warrior spirit to me born

into the battle from the start - if you'll forgive the dramatics I think all

of us KO's get born into a situation that from the start works to squelch our

potential and growth, even threatens life itself and our desire to still thrive

despite it is working for good to triumph over evil. To work not to pass it

down to the next generation, to find a new and better way, to bring good back

into the equation.

>

> Back to cats, it wasn't until I spread my dear Lady's ashes that I felt my

grief shift some. I did kind of a little funeral thing and imagined her spirit

running free in the beautiful place I put the ashes to become a part of. Maybe

some kind of ceremony like that would help?

>

>

>

> P.S. - One addition....only four weeks after Lady died I had a trip scheduled

to visit the FOO. I knew I was just broken open and there was no way I'd be

able to protect myself from them - or them from me. I canceled the trip and my

nada said sadly - wouldn't coming here cheer you up? It was so clear that she

still lives in this fantasy land in which trips " home " for me are supposed to be

these joyous occasions strengthening of the spirit - and maybe it is for her,

but never for me. So I'd encourage you too to honor your vulnerability right

now and don't force yourself to do anything that requires you to be able to wall

yourself off or exposes you to triggers.

[Guest guest]

Mia,I just wanted to offer a (((((HUG))))) for that sweet little girl Mia who

loved her kitty so much and took such good care of her.What your nada did is

ABOMINABLE,selling her like that as if she was the same as a piece of

furniture.And then watching you worry and letting you suffer--and yeah,what she

said when you reasonably asked her why was totally self serving BULLSHIT.

I'll bet you were an awesome foster mom!!!!!!

>

> I thought I replied to this at one time, but I'd like to say a little more

> too about the wonderful animals we love.

>

> I'm a big animal person. I used to do rescue & fostered, man I loved it! I

> had a house full... 4 cats, 2 dogs & a chinchilla that were mine plus at

> least 1 or 2 fosters running around (once we had a whole litter of

> puppies...omg!!! it was awesome hehe... messy too, but I loved it!)

>

> When I went through my divorce, it was very amicable. Ex & I did most of

> the work ourselves, but I did hire a lawyer. He paid for half. That's not

> to say we " shared " a lawyer... she was my representative. We really just

> wanted someone to do the paperwork.

>

> We sat down together & went very throughly over " custody " of the pets. It

> was so damn hearbreaking. In the end, we decided I would take my two female

> kitties and he would keep the others only because I didn't know where I

> would end up (apartment with animal rules, whatever.)

>

> Well, it turned out where I ended up... no pets allowed due to housemates

> having allergies. I couldn't afford anywhere else... I was devistated!

>

> He of course was happy to keep the 2 kitties, but I can't tell you how very

> much I miss them & feel like I abandoned them. They were like my little fur

> children and even typing this I am in tears. I miss them every day.

>

> One day when fiance & I get a place of our own, I plan to get back into

> rescue. I also told him I have a 2 cat rule... no kitties should be lonely

> when their humans are at work. They are so much more fun in pairs anyway.

> He just laughed & said " ok, that's fine " .

>

> So when I was getting ready to go back to school, I made a " motivational "

> poster board collage. I put pictures of nice apartments, houses, of fiance

> & his kids... even one of me. And of course, I included pictures of

> animals. I doubt I would be able to get my 2 girls back from my ex... but I

> also know he is taking very good care of him. That's the one thing we had

> very strongly in common, our desire to have pets & help homeless ones.

>

> Anyway, sorry to ramble. I miss them so much. I had pets as kids too,

> mostly cats & at my dad's. The one kitten my nada let me get... that's a

> heartbreaking story. I loved that kitty so much and we only had him about 6

> months. She had a garage sale & was selling a sleeper-sofa which was still

> in the house. When a woman inquired, nada took her inside to see it. She

> saw my kitty & said " oh what a cute cat! " Nada said, " If you buy the sofa,

> you can have the cat. " The woman bought the sofa & took my cat!

>

> I was so upset! I had been at my dad's for the weekend. I came home & was

> looking all over for my cat, panicking that he got out or was hurt or dead

> somewhere. Nada just let me panic like that for close to an hour before she

> told me. I was about 11 or 12 at the time and I said " I can't believe you

> got rid of my kitty! " She said, " You never took care of it anyway. " Oh, I

> call bull sh** on that one. Yes I did too! I cleaned that box every other

> day, fed & watered every day and played with that cat EVERY DAY. He was the

> one " person " in that house that loved me unconditionally.

>

> Anyway, now I'm really crying lol. I hate nadas. And I love pets. They

> are not just pets, they are family & in my opinion, soul mates. There are

> not enough words to describe how much I love & respect my pets.

>

> Mia

[Guest guest]

Mia,I just wanted to offer a (((((HUG))))) for that sweet little girl Mia who

loved her kitty so much and took such good care of her.What your nada did is

ABOMINABLE,selling her like that as if she was the same as a piece of

furniture.And then watching you worry and letting you suffer--and yeah,what she

said when you reasonably asked her why was totally self serving BULLSHIT.

I'll bet you were an awesome foster mom!!!!!!

>

> I thought I replied to this at one time, but I'd like to say a little more

> too about the wonderful animals we love.

>

> I'm a big animal person. I used to do rescue & fostered, man I loved it! I

> had a house full... 4 cats, 2 dogs & a chinchilla that were mine plus at

> least 1 or 2 fosters running around (once we had a whole litter of

> puppies...omg!!! it was awesome hehe... messy too, but I loved it!)

>

> When I went through my divorce, it was very amicable. Ex & I did most of

> the work ourselves, but I did hire a lawyer. He paid for half. That's not

> to say we " shared " a lawyer... she was my representative. We really just

> wanted someone to do the paperwork.

>

> We sat down together & went very throughly over " custody " of the pets. It

> was so damn hearbreaking. In the end, we decided I would take my two female

> kitties and he would keep the others only because I didn't know where I

> would end up (apartment with animal rules, whatever.)

>

> Well, it turned out where I ended up... no pets allowed due to housemates

> having allergies. I couldn't afford anywhere else... I was devistated!

>

> He of course was happy to keep the 2 kitties, but I can't tell you how very

> much I miss them & feel like I abandoned them. They were like my little fur

> children and even typing this I am in tears. I miss them every day.

>

> One day when fiance & I get a place of our own, I plan to get back into

> rescue. I also told him I have a 2 cat rule... no kitties should be lonely

> when their humans are at work. They are so much more fun in pairs anyway.

> He just laughed & said " ok, that's fine " .

>

> So when I was getting ready to go back to school, I made a " motivational "

> poster board collage. I put pictures of nice apartments, houses, of fiance

> & his kids... even one of me. And of course, I included pictures of

> animals. I doubt I would be able to get my 2 girls back from my ex... but I

> also know he is taking very good care of him. That's the one thing we had

> very strongly in common, our desire to have pets & help homeless ones.

>

> Anyway, sorry to ramble. I miss them so much. I had pets as kids too,

> mostly cats & at my dad's. The one kitten my nada let me get... that's a

> heartbreaking story. I loved that kitty so much and we only had him about 6

> months. She had a garage sale & was selling a sleeper-sofa which was still

> in the house. When a woman inquired, nada took her inside to see it. She

> saw my kitty & said " oh what a cute cat! " Nada said, " If you buy the sofa,

> you can have the cat. " The woman bought the sofa & took my cat!

>

> I was so upset! I had been at my dad's for the weekend. I came home & was

> looking all over for my cat, panicking that he got out or was hurt or dead

> somewhere. Nada just let me panic like that for close to an hour before she

> told me. I was about 11 or 12 at the time and I said " I can't believe you

> got rid of my kitty! " She said, " You never took care of it anyway. " Oh, I

> call bull sh** on that one. Yes I did too! I cleaned that box every other

> day, fed & watered every day and played with that cat EVERY DAY. He was the

> one " person " in that house that loved me unconditionally.

>

> Anyway, now I'm really crying lol. I hate nadas. And I love pets. They

> are not just pets, they are family & in my opinion, soul mates. There are

> not enough words to describe how much I love & respect my pets.

>

> Mia

[Guest guest]

Mia,I just wanted to offer a (((((HUG))))) for that sweet little girl Mia who

loved her kitty so much and took such good care of her.What your nada did is

ABOMINABLE,selling her like that as if she was the same as a piece of

furniture.And then watching you worry and letting you suffer--and yeah,what she

said when you reasonably asked her why was totally self serving BULLSHIT.

I'll bet you were an awesome foster mom!!!!!!

>

> I thought I replied to this at one time, but I'd like to say a little more

> too about the wonderful animals we love.

>

> I'm a big animal person. I used to do rescue & fostered, man I loved it! I

> had a house full... 4 cats, 2 dogs & a chinchilla that were mine plus at

> least 1 or 2 fosters running around (once we had a whole litter of

> puppies...omg!!! it was awesome hehe... messy too, but I loved it!)

>

> When I went through my divorce, it was very amicable. Ex & I did most of

> the work ourselves, but I did hire a lawyer. He paid for half. That's not

> to say we " shared " a lawyer... she was my representative. We really just

> wanted someone to do the paperwork.

>

> We sat down together & went very throughly over " custody " of the pets. It

> was so damn hearbreaking. In the end, we decided I would take my two female

> kitties and he would keep the others only because I didn't know where I

> would end up (apartment with animal rules, whatever.)

>

> Well, it turned out where I ended up... no pets allowed due to housemates

> having allergies. I couldn't afford anywhere else... I was devistated!

>

> He of course was happy to keep the 2 kitties, but I can't tell you how very

> much I miss them & feel like I abandoned them. They were like my little fur

> children and even typing this I am in tears. I miss them every day.

>

> One day when fiance & I get a place of our own, I plan to get back into

> rescue. I also told him I have a 2 cat rule... no kitties should be lonely

> when their humans are at work. They are so much more fun in pairs anyway.

> He just laughed & said " ok, that's fine " .

>

> So when I was getting ready to go back to school, I made a " motivational "

> poster board collage. I put pictures of nice apartments, houses, of fiance

> & his kids... even one of me. And of course, I included pictures of

> animals. I doubt I would be able to get my 2 girls back from my ex... but I

> also know he is taking very good care of him. That's the one thing we had

> very strongly in common, our desire to have pets & help homeless ones.

>

> Anyway, sorry to ramble. I miss them so much. I had pets as kids too,

> mostly cats & at my dad's. The one kitten my nada let me get... that's a

> heartbreaking story. I loved that kitty so much and we only had him about 6

> months. She had a garage sale & was selling a sleeper-sofa which was still

> in the house. When a woman inquired, nada took her inside to see it. She

> saw my kitty & said " oh what a cute cat! " Nada said, " If you buy the sofa,

> you can have the cat. " The woman bought the sofa & took my cat!

>

> I was so upset! I had been at my dad's for the weekend. I came home & was

> looking all over for my cat, panicking that he got out or was hurt or dead

> somewhere. Nada just let me panic like that for close to an hour before she

> told me. I was about 11 or 12 at the time and I said " I can't believe you

> got rid of my kitty! " She said, " You never took care of it anyway. " Oh, I

> call bull sh** on that one. Yes I did too! I cleaned that box every other

> day, fed & watered every day and played with that cat EVERY DAY. He was the

> one " person " in that house that loved me unconditionally.

>

> Anyway, now I'm really crying lol. I hate nadas. And I love pets. They

> are not just pets, they are family & in my opinion, soul mates. There are

> not enough words to describe how much I love & respect my pets.

>

> Mia

[Guest guest]

Oh,hell,Mia,your kitty was a BOY.I do apologize...that's what happens when I

post when I'm really,really tired...I'm awake now and just wanted to add that

I'm sorry you had to give up your kitties with your ex,that must have been so

tough.

I know what you mean about our pets being like soul mates.I felt that

way about my cat Bunny who passed away recently and I feel that way about my dog

Misha--we're so in tune and so alike...She was the foster puppy who stayed

You can always get back into rescue later...it's great that you did

that BTW!

>

> Mia,I just wanted to offer a (((((HUG))))) for that sweet little girl Mia who

loved her kitty so much and took such good care of her.What your nada did is

ABOMINABLE,selling her like that as if she was the same as a piece of

furniture.And then watching you worry and letting you suffer--and yeah,what she

said when you reasonably asked her why was totally self serving BULLSHIT.

>

> I'll bet you were an awesome foster mom!!!!!!

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh,hell,Mia,your kitty was a BOY.I do apologize...that's what happens when I

post when I'm really,really tired...I'm awake now and just wanted to add that

I'm sorry you had to give up your kitties with your ex,that must have been so

tough.

I know what you mean about our pets being like soul mates.I felt that

way about my cat Bunny who passed away recently and I feel that way about my dog

Misha--we're so in tune and so alike...She was the foster puppy who stayed

You can always get back into rescue later...it's great that you did

that BTW!

>

> Mia,I just wanted to offer a (((((HUG))))) for that sweet little girl Mia who

loved her kitty so much and took such good care of her.What your nada did is

ABOMINABLE,selling her like that as if she was the same as a piece of

furniture.And then watching you worry and letting you suffer--and yeah,what she

said when you reasonably asked her why was totally self serving BULLSHIT.

>

> I'll bet you were an awesome foster mom!!!!!!

>

>

[Guest guest]

((((()))))

The level of your nada's sadism and psychopathy (ability to wear a " mask " of

sanity in public) in particular never ceases to astonish me. Her behaviors were

no less than evil, in my opinion. That alone would make a nightmare of your

childhood, but you had abuse from so many other sources to deal with as well,

plus complete indifference or opposition from those you turned to for help.

Yet the chronic, severe abuse didn't " turn " you into a psychopath or a

borderline or a narcissist, yourself. And you didn't kill yourself out of

despair or become a bitter, isolated hermit. I say again, you have a core of

steel, and even more so a core of goodness, compassion, and mental clarity that

were not tainted by the abuse.

The endurance of the human spirit never ceases to astonish me, either.

-Annie

(edited)

... It's too much to explain but I'm finally starting to see that I'm

not--and never was-- " the bad one " .Feeling like I'm " wrong " stretches back

further than this,but when nada had Moppet euthanized what she was also doing

was trying to knock me down,again.Moppet was starting to fail and she would have

needed to be released anyway but the time and the way that nada decided to do

that was calculated to bring me to my knees: that was bringing out the big

guns,and she knew it.She had been angry about my birthday party--long

story--that she had tried to ruin and wasn't able to (that's why she was

angry--insanely jealous of me,too).So about two weeks or so after that she gave

me this letter to give to the teacher that was calculated to humiliate me.I

don't think she imagined that the teacher would make that humiliation even

better by doing it publically,though.When I let her know that I was suffering

from this humiliation,she attempted to deal the final blow by telling me to go

ahead and kill myself.Instead,I treated what the teacher had done as a

declaration of war,one that I decided *I* was going to win.I wasn't falling

apart from what she had said to me.I was on a battle high because from the

moment I went back into school with my battle plans I realized that in the main

I was a superior strategist to that teacher and my plans were working beyond

even what I had hoped for and the tables were being turned on that bastard in my

favor.She saw that rather than me succumbing,I was gathering strength and

overcoming,so she decided it was time to kill the one thing I most cherished:

Moppet.She took advantage of my wanting to do the right thing and be there for

Moppet to get me to go with her to the vet's,then tricked me at the last moment

by just handing her over at the reception,knowing that as the " adult " and the

official owner that they would do as she said and she told them, " Just take her,I

can't handle this... " Knowing that my protests wouldn't be listened to because

she had successfully played the " victim card " for the millionth time although

for the millionth time she was in reality the perp--and that any insistence on

my part to " go with " Moppet just looked like me not caring about how my " poor

mother " felt OR that nobody was going to take me back there when they put her to

sleep if my mother wasn't sanctioning that.

>

> She wanted to beat me down,in a way that she knew would *really* hurt

me.The problem was,I still had to win my war against the pedophile: I still had

to deal with him everyday.I couldn't afford to give in to my grief over Moppet

because if I backed down even temporarily from what I had started with the

pervert,he was going to gain ground and my intention the morning I went back

into school to destroy him was to take back ALL OF THE GROUND and to keep it.So

my grief had to be held in abeyance and yes,that felt like a profound betrayal

of Moppet and of everything that she had meant to me.It wasn't until I read your

post (and Yenaine's) that it finally started to sink in: I wasn't the " bad

guy " .And that Moppet,in her infinite grace,would know that.I've been carrying so

many burdens that were really nada's to bear for so many years. ...

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I agree. More sadism: nada watching (with a smirk of satisfaction on her face,

no doubt) as her child agonizes in fear and panic over her beloved missing pet,

when nada gave the pet away without the child's knowledge. Such deliberate

emotional torture of a little child is indeed abominable; truly vile behavior.

Some people are just too warped to be raising children, seems to me.

-Annie

>

> Mia,I just wanted to offer a (((((HUG))))) for that sweet little girl Mia who

loved her kitty so much and took such good care of her.What your nada did is

ABOMINABLE,selling her like that as if she was the same as a piece of

furniture.And then watching you worry and letting you suffer--and yeah,what she

said when you reasonably asked her why was totally self serving BULLSHIT.

>

> I'll bet you were an awesome foster mom!!!!!!

>

>

[Guest guest]

I agree. More sadism: nada watching (with a smirk of satisfaction on her face,

no doubt) as her child agonizes in fear and panic over her beloved missing pet,

when nada gave the pet away without the child's knowledge. Such deliberate

emotional torture of a little child is indeed abominable; truly vile behavior.

Some people are just too warped to be raising children, seems to me.

-Annie

>

> Mia,I just wanted to offer a (((((HUG))))) for that sweet little girl Mia who

loved her kitty so much and took such good care of her.What your nada did is

ABOMINABLE,selling her like that as if she was the same as a piece of

furniture.And then watching you worry and letting you suffer--and yeah,what she

said when you reasonably asked her why was totally self serving BULLSHIT.

>

> I'll bet you were an awesome foster mom!!!!!!

>

>