Re: Advice needed about other family members

Posted December 23, 2010 · December 23, 2010

Well, only about 7 years ago I first started wondering about my nada's behaviors

and why I felt so anxious and distressed RE our relationship, and I started

reading books about mental illness and learning about personality disorder.

I ordered the book " Stop Walking On Eggshells " and " Understanding The Borderline

Mother " because borderline pd seemed to fit my nada's behaviors better than the

other pds; read them, then sent SWOE to Sister.

Sister then surprised me by sharing with me that she'd heard via nada herself

that nada had been diagnosed with bpd nearly 20 freaking years ago but nada had

dismissed the therapist as " an idiot " and his assessment of bpd as " stupid " .

The funny thing (which is actually a tragic thing, really) is that even knowing

what bpd is, knowing that our mother has it, and even taking psych classes

didn't help my Sister overcome the misplaced, inappropriate guilt and

responsibility Sister felt RE taking care of our nada and taking her emotional

abuse.

It has taken Sister and me both years and years to come around to accepting that

we didn't make our mother mentally ill and we're not doing her or ourselves any

favors by catering to her abusive, disordered thinking and dysregulated

emotions. We were trained to take her abuse personally, trained to believe we

deserved it, but we are now learning to become emotionally detached and Sister

has learned how to set boundaries so nada can't hurt her so easily anymore.

Sister is further along in this detaching process than I am, I believe. She

does " medium chill " very well. I on the other hand needed to go No Contact in

order to protect my emotional health. It may be temporary or permanent, I don't

know yet.

Sister was helped by going to a psychologist who had a bpd mother; he " absolved "

Sister of her inappropriate, misplaced feelings of guilt and responsibility:

helped her overcome her co-dependency with nada. I have just slogged through on

my own, but have come to the same conclusion more or less. Sister and I have

different dynamics with our nada. I'm the older sister; nada inflicted the

worst emotional, physical and sexual abuse and life-altering emotional damage to

me when I was very young, but she was worse to Sister when Sister was an older

child and young adult.

So, I don't know what to advise you RE your male relatives and your fiance. I

think that even if you " spill the beans " , each of them will still choose to

accept the idea or not in their own time and in their own way, and then deciding

how to *deal* with the knowledge (whether to set boundaries or not, whether to

go no contact or not) is yet another issue. They may not be ready to accept the

idea that your mother is mentally ill, or be willing to deal with it in the same

way that you want to.

Men (and I realize I'm generalizing here) usually just don't deal with emotional

issues the same way as we women do, so, I am at a loss there to offer you any

insight. My dad was a " dishrag " , non-confrontational, enabling, rescuer kind of

guy who rarely, rarely confronted nada about how she treated us kids; he had his

hands full with how she treated him.

Maybe some of our male KOs here will chime in and give you a more relevant take

on your situation.

-Annie

>

> I'm considering making some of the ppl in my life aware of my mom having BPD.

Have any of you shared this info w/the ppl in your life? How did they handle it?

What is the best way to go about telling someone?

>

> 1. My brother already believes mom is a BP, & I was thinking of having him

join this forum, but I know he'll figure out who I am by my posts, & I am

thoroughly enjoying my freedom in here. Maybe I'll just hand him the Eggshells

book, and if he joins this site on his own, so be it. Hah.

>

> 2. I want to tell my fiance, but I don't know if that would be a wise

decision. He might freak out & shut off all hopes of having a relationship w/my

mom. OR he might feel relieved, since my mom is not his biggest fan, and all of

his efforts to develop a normal relationship w/her have only shown progress at a

snail's pace. Should I let him in? Or let things develop naturally between the 2

of them? By labeling her, will he act differently? I think he would. But I also

want him to know what I am going through. I don't know how long of a process

this will be for me.

>

> 3. My dad. My selfless, patient, softspoken dad. Does anyone know how spouses

of BPs are affected by knowing they have created a life with a BP? Will telling

my dad relieve him? Will it make him angry that he got screwed, and not all

women are like nada? I have picked up on a few signs that he feels that women in

general are high-maintenance. Whether or not he convinced himself of this to

justify his marriage is irrelevant. Will it make him more stressed and

depressed? He is a heart patient. Will he think I'm crazy? My family is from a

conservative culture, I don't know if he would think I'm going looney with all

of the psych babble that's out these days.

>

> Advice? Experiences?

>

Posted December 23, 2010 · December 23, 2010

I think you would be the best person to make that decision. By looking at those

three you've listed, if your brother already agrees, simply handing him the book

would be enough I think. Your fiancee, well, he already likely knows that

something is off. So I think you'd be OK there.

Your dad? No. I wouldn't.

My NPD father thinks the sun rises and sets on his wifes ass. Everything I say

to him is repeated to her. She currently isn't speaking to me (long story) and

likely never will because I won't grovel for forgiveness for catching her in a

large web of lies and calling her ass on it. But whatever.

I made the mistake of forwarding some information to my step brother. Yeah. Big

mistake.