Re: not lonely...but insecurity about singlehood

[Guest guest]

I think those are really good thoughts to ponder. Growing up with an abusive

parent totally disconnected in the love department, invalidating me every step

of the way, I grew up accepting bad behavior in my mates, I believed them when

they said it was me and so put up with their " stuff " much longer than I should

have. Something I have noticed recently is the types of partners I

attract...they all have narcisistic or borderline personality traits or they

turn out to be addicted. Now, I'm a lot older and when I spot them, I'm quick

to end things in a BIG NO THANK YOU. I'd rather be alone than in a bad

relationship.

I do notice the couples too but with my NPD/BPD magnet energy going on, I refuse

to date. I'm staying off of the market until I'm ready and I'm just not ready.

For the first time in 3 very long years, my home is so peaceful. There is no

one telling me what to do. There is no one laying guilt trips on me for being

who I am. There is no one gloating about what a trophy I am to others while

they bash and attack me when no one else is around. The last one with NPD

characteristics...I spotted after knowing him for only a few days. I told him

good bye and I got nothing but guilt texts because he was in love with me (AFTER

A FEW DAYS?! - and why should I stay and be miserable just because of how he

feels?!) I had a couple of exes before that that acted the same way. I felt

this little feeling right in the pit of my stomach like when nada violated my

boundaries. I now know that is my sign! I do not fear people. I love them

with all of my heart. I can't even say I fear dating. I think I am just

enjoying this peace so much I have lost all interest.

I understand what you're saying though. Every now and then I get those twinges

of interest but they do pass. I just dive in deeper into my spiritual studies

and focus even harder on restoring me to complete health so I will be the kind

of partner I want in another. And if anyone shows up with these traits - I run:

1. They seem overly open and revealing establishing a false sense of trust by

telling stories that amazingly seem to match your own - they also ask a lot of

personal questions about your past (digging for weapons to use against you

later) - that is the unhealthy attachment and is NOT a connection.

2. Their ex girlfriend/wife was a drug addict, NPD or BPD personality and will

go into great detail about how horrible and vulgar or mean their ex was(I don't

believe them - they are usually the NPD or BPD and the fact that they are

talking about it and the way they totally make themselves out to be a victim

that makes me think so - its the way they do it).

3. They come on with too much flattery like they are trying to win me over

without really even getting to know who I am.

4. They are overly helpful in offering to do things for me right off (and you

can feel the strings coming)

5. They buy way too expensive gifts for the time you've been involved (I knew

one for a couple weeks and he wanted to buy me furniture - I thought it was

sweet - it was an NPD hook).

6. The insults come pretty quick in an offhanded way and the way the insults

come is not focused on behavior but rather making you feel bad about who you

are.

7. Tells you they are falling in love with you after too short a period of time

(days or a week or 2 - so flattering but so NOT real).

8. Irrational issues that make it clear they are perceiving things in a twisted

way that makes you feel violated while they are telling you you do this to them

- it's your fault they are feeling bad. Okay, this is just a taste of the

horrible emotional battering to come - RUN! LOL

The above is all I've run into when attempting to date at all these last 3

years. I'm sorry but I am not interested. I will gladly wait for one who takes

a normal approach of one day at a time dating...honest communication that

establishes a connection versus overly open " hook " and someone willing to take

the time to get to know who I am before they start talking about love.

Growing up with nada really made me a sensitive, nurturing, compassionate,

non-confrontational person. I attract my exact opposite. There is a reason

that NPD/BPDs are attracted to co-dependents! So, until I can be sure I'm not

heading down a dangerous emotional path with a psychopath, I'm not dating! I'm

focusing on me...and yeah, it would be nice to have someone to love but I want

to hold out for someone who truly loves me for me. He's not come along yet. I

trust he will when I'm ready. Until then, I'm loving this freedom. If my

Mister right is out there, he probably shouldn't take too long. I am really

enjoying the peace, freedom, conflict free, drama free, healthy environment I've

created for myself. I may never want to give that up. LOL

I've set goals for myself in terms of dating. Maybe thats what you might

consider too. If you are attracting the wrong kind, it's great to focus on your

healing for a while undistracted and focus on friends and self only for a time.

When you are truly ready, put the goal down on paper - what do you want in

another person - stick to that list, focus on that list - feel really good about

you and attracting those qualities on your list in your next mate. It will

happen when you are truly ready. I have found this to be true many times over

the years.

Hang in there and Happy Holidays!!!!

Jaie

>

> Just want to sidetrack for a moment before I get into the nitty gritty of my

security...First off, I want to say I really APPRECIATE these boards this time

of year. I currently have no contact with my any family (some of them chose no

contact with me to side with Nada) and this is the second xmas I've spent with

friends and I'm really enjoying it. I received 2 Christmas invites, and I was

already invited to 2 Christmas parties where i had way more fun and relaxation

than I ever would in my family environment.I am most GRATEFUL for the quality

time I've been having, and I'm enjoying my life. It is becoming richer with time

and healing.

>

> But I also have been having this other nagging insecurity (it was here

already)...it is intensified during the holidays where a lot of the social

gatherings I attend are comprised of couples. I'm trying to work my way through

it. I'm not lonely or desperately searching for anyone. In fact, I am fine with

remaining single.

>

> But...

>

> Here goes: it feels like I am never able to attract a stable significant

person (romantically) into my life. If I do, it doesn't last long. They either

get flaky on me, are only around to have a good time (but try to convince me

otherwise for one thing or another), or they are confused and cannot make up

their mind and I begin to get mixed signals and more flakiness. It's definitely

put me off dating and I stopped thinking about it for a while.

>

> I know I need to heal some more and work on myself. My needs are very strong

right now and I don't have a lot to give. Perhaps this is why I feel I do not

attract a lot of people towards me? It's not so much that I am trying to date at

this point--and it has nothing to do with loneliness...but it is making me

wonder and wondering about it causing insecurity in the way people perceive me.

>

> I am the type of person who does not ask for much because of my upbringing

with Nada, so its not like I'm grabbing the coat tails of anyone who walks by

and scaring them off...but I feel people must sense something about me...as if

they know I'm not " grounded " , and the thought of this makes me uncomfortable. I

don't want to have invisible writing on my forehead that says " take advantage of

me " or " slim pickings " . The thought of this scares me so much that it makes me

worried to ever go out again.

>

> I had a friend who once who told me that one year, all these people just " came

out of the woods " , and she was attracting a variety of people who were really

making an effort to get to know her. When before, there was a total dry spell.

This phenomenon totally makes me wonder what " vibes " im giving off about myself.

>

> Perhaps it will help me figure out how much healing I actually have left to

do.

>

> Plus, I don't like feeling like people's " last resort " date.

>

> Has anyone else felt this way or wondered about this sort of stuff?

>

> Joy

>

[Guest guest]

Jaie (and Joy),

I really appreciated your insight to dating and how we attract the opposite of

what we are...and we are what we are because of our relationship with our

parents. I had issues with dating to. At first I believed anyone that said I

love you, because my nada and fada had said this with out an investment to like

who I was. So I had a hard time hearing this and separating our what I wanted

soooo bad and what was true.

One thing that I did when dating (I have been happily married for 25 years and

consider mine to be the best marriage of all my friends...I can think of one or

two that were eqaul) Anyway I learned that it didn't matter what kind of family

they came from..they could still be a lying drunk. It didn't matter what kind

of degree they had ...they could still think that changing you is their primary

goal....especially if you establish boundaries and they see this as something to

question rather than accept. Most of my boyfriends had tried to violate my

boundaries. My boundary was not touching, including holding hands, hugs,

kisses, petting etc until we were engaged. I found that when I engaged in

these activities I started using my imagination too vividly and imagined what I

wanted him to be rather than what was really going on. Also if they challenged

this boundary, (which my husband didn't) then I figured they were after

something that was mine and didn't belong to them...and so they were thieves. I

figured that the most important thing was to become friends. So I figured out

what I wanted in a friend and I also thought about whether this person would

still be in my life at 40...did he have what it took to have a long term

relationship. Being 21 at the time 40 seemed far off. Also I wanted someone

that I wanted my boys to grow up to be like. If he wasn't of that character I

didn't need to go any further...because they would idealize their father and he

would be a mirror for them.

When I dated my husband he told me that he wasn't interested in dating to

date that he was interested in getting married. I told him that I felt the same

way and I told him that if he wasn't the right one that I would let him know so

that I didn't waste his time or he mine. My husband had hobbies that I

respected and didn't mine talking about at dinner or if he spent money on them.

This was important to me. Also we did things together and he treated me with

respect and enjoyed my company. Another boundary was I didn't want to see him

every day. Because I wanted some time to get my bearings and be able to think.

He love to talk to me so he usually called me nearly every day...that was

stretching it but I let him because he treated me so well. One day he let me

have his really expensive tape player to borrow. I wanted to give it back and

told him about another guy that said that every girl had her price. I didn't

want to bought so cheaply. He assured me that he didn't have any other motive,

and that he would do this to any good friend.

We talked about things like we were going to get married. We disused things

that I had been thinking were important to me in a mate and I tried to let him

see my real side although I will have to say this is hard...so

This is a formula for that

Whatever you like about someone subtract 10 from that...and whatever you don't

like about them multiply by 2. This will be how it is after getting marriage.

It doesn't have to end up this way...but make sure that what you don't like

about them if it is a really pet peeve...like drinks to much...if you

multiplied this by 2 it would show you how it was going to be long term.

This wasn't very organized just random thoughts but I hope it made some sense

and might be helpful.

Becky

[Guest guest]

i think this is a very common concern with people like yourself who are content

to be single in our culture which is i think so oriented toward couples.. i

would try to just relax and enjoy your friends and the people you meet and let

'nature take its course' so to speak.  i don't think you need to worry too much

about yourself.. the people who get 'flakey' on you are maybe just not meant to

be close to you, and that may be no fault of your own. they may have issues with

closeness too and just get uncomfortable with it.  take it easy and give

yourself some space and time and i think you will do fine.blessings, ann

Subject: not lonely...but insecurity about singlehood

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Wednesday, December 22, 2010, 11:10 PM

 

Just want to sidetrack for a moment before I get into the nitty gritty of

my security...First off, I want to say I really APPRECIATE these boards this

time of year. I currently have no contact with my any family (some of them chose

no contact with me to side with Nada) and this is the second xmas I've spent

with friends and I'm really enjoying it. I received 2 Christmas invites, and I

was already invited to 2 Christmas parties where i had way more fun and

relaxation than I ever would in my family environment.I am most GRATEFUL for the

quality time I've been having, and I'm enjoying my life. It is becoming richer

with time and healing.

But I also have been having this other nagging insecurity (it was here

already)...it is intensified during the holidays where a lot of the social

gatherings I attend are comprised of couples. I'm trying to work my way through

it. I'm not lonely or desperately searching for anyone. In fact, I am fine with

remaining single.

But...

Here goes: it feels like I am never able to attract a stable significant person

(romantically) into my life. If I do, it doesn't last long. They either get

flaky on me, are only around to have a good time (but try to convince me

otherwise for one thing or another), or they are confused and cannot make up

their mind and I begin to get mixed signals and more flakiness. It's definitely

put me off dating and I stopped thinking about it for a while.

I know I need to heal some more and work on myself. My needs are very strong

right now and I don't have a lot to give. Perhaps this is why I feel I do not

attract a lot of people towards me? It's not so much that I am trying to date at

this point--and it has nothing to do with loneliness...but it is making me

wonder and wondering about it causing insecurity in the way people perceive me.

I am the type of person who does not ask for much because of my upbringing with

Nada, so its not like I'm grabbing the coat tails of anyone who walks by and

scaring them off...but I feel people must sense something about me...as if they

know I'm not " grounded " , and the thought of this makes me uncomfortable. I don't

want to have invisible writing on my forehead that says " take advantage of me "

or " slim pickings " . The thought of this scares me so much that it makes me

worried to ever go out again.

I had a friend who once who told me that one year, all these people just " came

out of the woods " , and she was attracting a variety of people who were really

making an effort to get to know her. When before, there was a total dry spell.

This phenomenon totally makes me wonder what " vibes " im giving off about myself.

Perhaps it will help me figure out how much healing I actually have left to do.

Plus, I don't like feeling like people's " last resort " date.

Has anyone else felt this way or wondered about this sort of stuff?

Joy

[Guest guest]

i think this is a very common concern with people like yourself who are content

to be single in our culture which is i think so oriented toward couples.. i

would try to just relax and enjoy your friends and the people you meet and let

'nature take its course' so to speak.  i don't think you need to worry too much

about yourself.. the people who get 'flakey' on you are maybe just not meant to

be close to you, and that may be no fault of your own. they may have issues with

closeness too and just get uncomfortable with it.  take it easy and give

yourself some space and time and i think you will do fine.blessings, ann

Subject: not lonely...but insecurity about singlehood

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Wednesday, December 22, 2010, 11:10 PM

 

Just want to sidetrack for a moment before I get into the nitty gritty of

my security...First off, I want to say I really APPRECIATE these boards this

time of year. I currently have no contact with my any family (some of them chose

no contact with me to side with Nada) and this is the second xmas I've spent

with friends and I'm really enjoying it. I received 2 Christmas invites, and I

was already invited to 2 Christmas parties where i had way more fun and

relaxation than I ever would in my family environment.I am most GRATEFUL for the

quality time I've been having, and I'm enjoying my life. It is becoming richer

with time and healing.

But I also have been having this other nagging insecurity (it was here

already)...it is intensified during the holidays where a lot of the social

gatherings I attend are comprised of couples. I'm trying to work my way through

it. I'm not lonely or desperately searching for anyone. In fact, I am fine with

remaining single.

But...

Here goes: it feels like I am never able to attract a stable significant person

(romantically) into my life. If I do, it doesn't last long. They either get

flaky on me, are only around to have a good time (but try to convince me

otherwise for one thing or another), or they are confused and cannot make up

their mind and I begin to get mixed signals and more flakiness. It's definitely

put me off dating and I stopped thinking about it for a while.

I know I need to heal some more and work on myself. My needs are very strong

right now and I don't have a lot to give. Perhaps this is why I feel I do not

attract a lot of people towards me? It's not so much that I am trying to date at

this point--and it has nothing to do with loneliness...but it is making me

wonder and wondering about it causing insecurity in the way people perceive me.

I am the type of person who does not ask for much because of my upbringing with

Nada, so its not like I'm grabbing the coat tails of anyone who walks by and

scaring them off...but I feel people must sense something about me...as if they

know I'm not " grounded " , and the thought of this makes me uncomfortable. I don't

want to have invisible writing on my forehead that says " take advantage of me "

or " slim pickings " . The thought of this scares me so much that it makes me

worried to ever go out again.

I had a friend who once who told me that one year, all these people just " came

out of the woods " , and she was attracting a variety of people who were really

making an effort to get to know her. When before, there was a total dry spell.

This phenomenon totally makes me wonder what " vibes " im giving off about myself.

Perhaps it will help me figure out how much healing I actually have left to do.

Plus, I don't like feeling like people's " last resort " date.

Has anyone else felt this way or wondered about this sort of stuff?

Joy

[Guest guest]

i think this is a very common concern with people like yourself who are content

to be single in our culture which is i think so oriented toward couples.. i

would try to just relax and enjoy your friends and the people you meet and let

'nature take its course' so to speak.  i don't think you need to worry too much

about yourself.. the people who get 'flakey' on you are maybe just not meant to

be close to you, and that may be no fault of your own. they may have issues with

closeness too and just get uncomfortable with it.  take it easy and give

yourself some space and time and i think you will do fine.blessings, ann

Subject: not lonely...but insecurity about singlehood

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Wednesday, December 22, 2010, 11:10 PM

 

Just want to sidetrack for a moment before I get into the nitty gritty of

my security...First off, I want to say I really APPRECIATE these boards this

time of year. I currently have no contact with my any family (some of them chose

no contact with me to side with Nada) and this is the second xmas I've spent

with friends and I'm really enjoying it. I received 2 Christmas invites, and I

was already invited to 2 Christmas parties where i had way more fun and

relaxation than I ever would in my family environment.I am most GRATEFUL for the

quality time I've been having, and I'm enjoying my life. It is becoming richer

with time and healing.

But I also have been having this other nagging insecurity (it was here

already)...it is intensified during the holidays where a lot of the social

gatherings I attend are comprised of couples. I'm trying to work my way through

it. I'm not lonely or desperately searching for anyone. In fact, I am fine with

remaining single.

But...

Here goes: it feels like I am never able to attract a stable significant person

(romantically) into my life. If I do, it doesn't last long. They either get

flaky on me, are only around to have a good time (but try to convince me

otherwise for one thing or another), or they are confused and cannot make up

their mind and I begin to get mixed signals and more flakiness. It's definitely

put me off dating and I stopped thinking about it for a while.

I know I need to heal some more and work on myself. My needs are very strong

right now and I don't have a lot to give. Perhaps this is why I feel I do not

attract a lot of people towards me? It's not so much that I am trying to date at

this point--and it has nothing to do with loneliness...but it is making me

wonder and wondering about it causing insecurity in the way people perceive me.

I am the type of person who does not ask for much because of my upbringing with

Nada, so its not like I'm grabbing the coat tails of anyone who walks by and

scaring them off...but I feel people must sense something about me...as if they

know I'm not " grounded " , and the thought of this makes me uncomfortable. I don't

want to have invisible writing on my forehead that says " take advantage of me "

or " slim pickings " . The thought of this scares me so much that it makes me

worried to ever go out again.

I had a friend who once who told me that one year, all these people just " came

out of the woods " , and she was attracting a variety of people who were really

making an effort to get to know her. When before, there was a total dry spell.

This phenomenon totally makes me wonder what " vibes " im giving off about myself.

Perhaps it will help me figure out how much healing I actually have left to do.

Plus, I don't like feeling like people's " last resort " date.

Has anyone else felt this way or wondered about this sort of stuff?

Joy