Re: Nada Wants to Teach Me to Be More Like Her - she says she doesn't have long

[Guest guest]

Romantic Libra,

Just because NC is not an option, that doesn't mean you have to

put up with abusive contact. Do you have to answer her calls?

Can you use caller ID to see when she's calling and just not

answer more than a few times a week? (If she asks where you were

and why you didn't answer, the only explanation you owe her is

" I wasn't available to take your call at that time " .) Since you

work at home, saying you need to get back to work is another

option if you feel you have to answer. (That's the one I

commonly use when talking to my nada. It has the added benefit

of generally being true.) If my nada starts saying inappropriate

or abusive things to me on the phone, I tell her that we're not

going to discuss that topic. If she continues with it, I hang

up. Is there a reason you can't do the same? Nothing you do is

going to make her happy is it? So why put up with abuse to avoid

doing things that make her unhappy with you? As for the lies and

accusations, I wouldn't dignify them with any response beyond

something like " that topic is not up for discussion " . Since I

started reacting to my nada that way, my relationship with her

has improved massively. If your nada wants you to react and

wants the resulting drama, not giving it to her takes away a lot

of the incentive to do it. That may not stop her from continuing

to do it, but it will hopefully reduce the stress it causes for

you.

At 11:58 AM 01/03/2011 Romantic Libra wrote:

>Nada just called me and told me everything I had done wrong to

>'her' in my life (all distorted and her bizarre fantasy world

>landscape of what actually occurred and I know it did

>not). She went on to say I was 'very jealous of her' just like

>my 'Aunt Fran' and that Aunt Fran now has 'no friends' because

>of her behaviors and I won't either. She has to 'teach me to

>be just like her' and 'doesn't have long to live so this has to

>happen soon'. She went on to say that I dropped a 'an angel of

>a woman who was your friend - can't remember her name but YOU

>liked her and then dropped her for no reason'. No, nada I did

>NOT drop her for no reason - she betrayed me and she was no

>friend. You can't talk to nada about anything from your side

>of things so why waste my breathe but how do I deal with her

>ranting and 'teaching' me to 'be just like her' when I

>absolutely do NOT want to be anything like her. I am 60 years

>old - not 10 and I don't want to be 'trained by her'. She will

>be 90 on April 5 (she says she isn't going to live to see it

>and with her health issues I absolutely believe it). Her

>doctor told me as much, but since nada won't listen to a thing

>she suggests nor does nada want anything from her except her

>painkillers which this doctor is more than willing to keep

>prescribing even though nada doesn't get checkups by her

>anymore - forget that they are physically addictive and nada

>SCREAMS if she empties her bottle that is supposed to last a

>month in less than 2 weeks and the pharmacist won't refill it

>until the month is up, but anyway.

>

>I can't keep saying to nada " I'm expecting an important phone

>call so I can't talk now " as nada is demented but not stupid

>and would see through that. I can't give her an ultimatum as

>she isn't verbally abusing me and calling me names - she is

>demeaning me and trying to control me in a sense but she has no

>control so that wouldn't help either. Do I just let her rant

>and rant and hang up laughing at her behind her back? This

>seems the only solution but it is difficult to take. Some of

>these blatant lies nada conjures up from her distorted past and

>accusations of what I did (even though I didn't do them) make

>me nuts deep inside. I know I shouldn't let it bother me but I

>hate it. She also said " you can't help yourself for being so

>'emotional' - 'you're just like my FATHER - YOUR

>grandfather!' First of all I never met the alcoholic father

>who incested you I felt like saying, but and I have never been

>drunk once in my life, but anyway doesn't matter. How do I

>deal with nada's accusations and her 'teaching me to be just

>like her'? N.C. is not an option as I am Power of Attorney for

>her if something happens; an only child and at this late date

>there is no sense doing that as even her doctor felt she didn't

>have too long to live when I spoke with her last. I work out

>of my house so not being home when she calls is not an option

>either. I can do that part of the time but not all the

>time. Any suggestions any of you might have would be greatly

>appreciated.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Romantic Libra,

Just because NC is not an option, that doesn't mean you have to

put up with abusive contact. Do you have to answer her calls?

Can you use caller ID to see when she's calling and just not

answer more than a few times a week? (If she asks where you were

and why you didn't answer, the only explanation you owe her is

" I wasn't available to take your call at that time " .) Since you

work at home, saying you need to get back to work is another

option if you feel you have to answer. (That's the one I

commonly use when talking to my nada. It has the added benefit

of generally being true.) If my nada starts saying inappropriate

or abusive things to me on the phone, I tell her that we're not

going to discuss that topic. If she continues with it, I hang

up. Is there a reason you can't do the same? Nothing you do is

going to make her happy is it? So why put up with abuse to avoid

doing things that make her unhappy with you? As for the lies and

accusations, I wouldn't dignify them with any response beyond

something like " that topic is not up for discussion " . Since I

started reacting to my nada that way, my relationship with her

has improved massively. If your nada wants you to react and

wants the resulting drama, not giving it to her takes away a lot

of the incentive to do it. That may not stop her from continuing

to do it, but it will hopefully reduce the stress it causes for

you.

At 11:58 AM 01/03/2011 Romantic Libra wrote:

>Nada just called me and told me everything I had done wrong to

>'her' in my life (all distorted and her bizarre fantasy world

>landscape of what actually occurred and I know it did

>not). She went on to say I was 'very jealous of her' just like

>my 'Aunt Fran' and that Aunt Fran now has 'no friends' because

>of her behaviors and I won't either. She has to 'teach me to

>be just like her' and 'doesn't have long to live so this has to

>happen soon'. She went on to say that I dropped a 'an angel of

>a woman who was your friend - can't remember her name but YOU

>liked her and then dropped her for no reason'. No, nada I did

>NOT drop her for no reason - she betrayed me and she was no

>friend. You can't talk to nada about anything from your side

>of things so why waste my breathe but how do I deal with her

>ranting and 'teaching' me to 'be just like her' when I

>absolutely do NOT want to be anything like her. I am 60 years

>old - not 10 and I don't want to be 'trained by her'. She will

>be 90 on April 5 (she says she isn't going to live to see it

>and with her health issues I absolutely believe it). Her

>doctor told me as much, but since nada won't listen to a thing

>she suggests nor does nada want anything from her except her

>painkillers which this doctor is more than willing to keep

>prescribing even though nada doesn't get checkups by her

>anymore - forget that they are physically addictive and nada

>SCREAMS if she empties her bottle that is supposed to last a

>month in less than 2 weeks and the pharmacist won't refill it

>until the month is up, but anyway.

>

>I can't keep saying to nada " I'm expecting an important phone

>call so I can't talk now " as nada is demented but not stupid

>and would see through that. I can't give her an ultimatum as

>she isn't verbally abusing me and calling me names - she is

>demeaning me and trying to control me in a sense but she has no

>control so that wouldn't help either. Do I just let her rant

>and rant and hang up laughing at her behind her back? This

>seems the only solution but it is difficult to take. Some of

>these blatant lies nada conjures up from her distorted past and

>accusations of what I did (even though I didn't do them) make

>me nuts deep inside. I know I shouldn't let it bother me but I

>hate it. She also said " you can't help yourself for being so

>'emotional' - 'you're just like my FATHER - YOUR

>grandfather!' First of all I never met the alcoholic father

>who incested you I felt like saying, but and I have never been

>drunk once in my life, but anyway doesn't matter. How do I

>deal with nada's accusations and her 'teaching me to be just

>like her'? N.C. is not an option as I am Power of Attorney for

>her if something happens; an only child and at this late date

>there is no sense doing that as even her doctor felt she didn't

>have too long to live when I spoke with her last. I work out

>of my house so not being home when she calls is not an option

>either. I can do that part of the time but not all the

>time. Any suggestions any of you might have would be greatly

>appreciated.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Romantic Libra,

Just because NC is not an option, that doesn't mean you have to

put up with abusive contact. Do you have to answer her calls?

Can you use caller ID to see when she's calling and just not

answer more than a few times a week? (If she asks where you were

and why you didn't answer, the only explanation you owe her is

" I wasn't available to take your call at that time " .) Since you

work at home, saying you need to get back to work is another

option if you feel you have to answer. (That's the one I

commonly use when talking to my nada. It has the added benefit

of generally being true.) If my nada starts saying inappropriate

or abusive things to me on the phone, I tell her that we're not

going to discuss that topic. If she continues with it, I hang

up. Is there a reason you can't do the same? Nothing you do is

going to make her happy is it? So why put up with abuse to avoid

doing things that make her unhappy with you? As for the lies and

accusations, I wouldn't dignify them with any response beyond

something like " that topic is not up for discussion " . Since I

started reacting to my nada that way, my relationship with her

has improved massively. If your nada wants you to react and

wants the resulting drama, not giving it to her takes away a lot

of the incentive to do it. That may not stop her from continuing

to do it, but it will hopefully reduce the stress it causes for

you.

At 11:58 AM 01/03/2011 Romantic Libra wrote:

>Nada just called me and told me everything I had done wrong to

>'her' in my life (all distorted and her bizarre fantasy world

>landscape of what actually occurred and I know it did

>not). She went on to say I was 'very jealous of her' just like

>my 'Aunt Fran' and that Aunt Fran now has 'no friends' because

>of her behaviors and I won't either. She has to 'teach me to

>be just like her' and 'doesn't have long to live so this has to

>happen soon'. She went on to say that I dropped a 'an angel of

>a woman who was your friend - can't remember her name but YOU

>liked her and then dropped her for no reason'. No, nada I did

>NOT drop her for no reason - she betrayed me and she was no

>friend. You can't talk to nada about anything from your side

>of things so why waste my breathe but how do I deal with her

>ranting and 'teaching' me to 'be just like her' when I

>absolutely do NOT want to be anything like her. I am 60 years

>old - not 10 and I don't want to be 'trained by her'. She will

>be 90 on April 5 (she says she isn't going to live to see it

>and with her health issues I absolutely believe it). Her

>doctor told me as much, but since nada won't listen to a thing

>she suggests nor does nada want anything from her except her

>painkillers which this doctor is more than willing to keep

>prescribing even though nada doesn't get checkups by her

>anymore - forget that they are physically addictive and nada

>SCREAMS if she empties her bottle that is supposed to last a

>month in less than 2 weeks and the pharmacist won't refill it

>until the month is up, but anyway.

>

>I can't keep saying to nada " I'm expecting an important phone

>call so I can't talk now " as nada is demented but not stupid

>and would see through that. I can't give her an ultimatum as

>she isn't verbally abusing me and calling me names - she is

>demeaning me and trying to control me in a sense but she has no

>control so that wouldn't help either. Do I just let her rant

>and rant and hang up laughing at her behind her back? This

>seems the only solution but it is difficult to take. Some of

>these blatant lies nada conjures up from her distorted past and

>accusations of what I did (even though I didn't do them) make

>me nuts deep inside. I know I shouldn't let it bother me but I

>hate it. She also said " you can't help yourself for being so

>'emotional' - 'you're just like my FATHER - YOUR

>grandfather!' First of all I never met the alcoholic father

>who incested you I felt like saying, but and I have never been

>drunk once in my life, but anyway doesn't matter. How do I

>deal with nada's accusations and her 'teaching me to be just

>like her'? N.C. is not an option as I am Power of Attorney for

>her if something happens; an only child and at this late date

>there is no sense doing that as even her doctor felt she didn't

>have too long to live when I spoke with her last. I work out

>of my house so not being home when she calls is not an option

>either. I can do that part of the time but not all the

>time. Any suggestions any of you might have would be greatly

>appreciated.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Yes that is abuse and yes you can set limits.

And as far as the " angel friend " my nada did that too me, even as a teen,

becoming best friends with girls who I didn't want to be friends with

because they were sleeping around/abusing drugs etc. Very nice, nada! Oldest

trick in the book. Why do they do that????

>

>

> Romantic Libra,

>

> Just because NC is not an option, that doesn't mean you have to

> put up with abusive contact. Do you have to answer her calls?

> Can you use caller ID to see when she's calling and just not

> answer more than a few times a week? (If she asks where you were

> and why you didn't answer, the only explanation you owe her is

> " I wasn't available to take your call at that time " .) Since you

> work at home, saying you need to get back to work is another

> option if you feel you have to answer. (That's the one I

> commonly use when talking to my nada. It has the added benefit

> of generally being true.) If my nada starts saying inappropriate

> or abusive things to me on the phone, I tell her that we're not

> going to discuss that topic. If she continues with it, I hang

> up. Is there a reason you can't do the same? Nothing you do is

> going to make her happy is it? So why put up with abuse to avoid

> doing things that make her unhappy with you? As for the lies and

> accusations, I wouldn't dignify them with any response beyond

> something like " that topic is not up for discussion " . Since I

> started reacting to my nada that way, my relationship with her

> has improved massively. If your nada wants you to react and

> wants the resulting drama, not giving it to her takes away a lot

> of the incentive to do it. That may not stop her from continuing

> to do it, but it will hopefully reduce the stress it causes for

> you.

>

>

> At 11:58 AM 01/03/2011 Romantic Libra wrote:

> >Nada just called me and told me everything I had done wrong to

> >'her' in my life (all distorted and her bizarre fantasy world

> >landscape of what actually occurred and I know it did

> >not). She went on to say I was 'very jealous of her' just like

> >my 'Aunt Fran' and that Aunt Fran now has 'no friends' because

> >of her behaviors and I won't either. She has to 'teach me to

> >be just like her' and 'doesn't have long to live so this has to

> >happen soon'. She went on to say that I dropped a 'an angel of

> >a woman who was your friend - can't remember her name but YOU

> >liked her and then dropped her for no reason'. No, nada I did

> >NOT drop her for no reason - she betrayed me and she was no

> >friend. You can't talk to nada about anything from your side

> >of things so why waste my breathe but how do I deal with her

> >ranting and 'teaching' me to 'be just like her' when I

> >absolutely do NOT want to be anything like her. I am 60 years

> >old - not 10 and I don't want to be 'trained by her'. She will

> >be 90 on April 5 (she says she isn't going to live to see it

> >and with her health issues I absolutely believe it). Her

> >doctor told me as much, but since nada won't listen to a thing

> >she suggests nor does nada want anything from her except her

> >painkillers which this doctor is more than willing to keep

> >prescribing even though nada doesn't get checkups by her

> >anymore - forget that they are physically addictive and nada

> >SCREAMS if she empties her bottle that is supposed to last a

> >month in less than 2 weeks and the pharmacist won't refill it

> >until the month is up, but anyway.

> >

> >I can't keep saying to nada " I'm expecting an important phone

> >call so I can't talk now " as nada is demented but not stupid

> >and would see through that. I can't give her an ultimatum as

> >she isn't verbally abusing me and calling me names - she is

> >demeaning me and trying to control me in a sense but she has no

> >control so that wouldn't help either. Do I just let her rant

> >and rant and hang up laughing at her behind her back? This

> >seems the only solution but it is difficult to take. Some of

> >these blatant lies nada conjures up from her distorted past and

> >accusations of what I did (even though I didn't do them) make

> >me nuts deep inside. I know I shouldn't let it bother me but I

> >hate it. She also said " you can't help yourself for being so

> >'emotional' - 'you're just like my FATHER - YOUR

> >grandfather!' First of all I never met the alcoholic father

> >who incested you I felt like saying, but and I have never been

> >drunk once in my life, but anyway doesn't matter. How do I

> >deal with nada's accusations and her 'teaching me to be just

> >like her'? N.C. is not an option as I am Power of Attorney for

> >her if something happens; an only child and at this late date

> >there is no sense doing that as even her doctor felt she didn't

> >have too long to live when I spoke with her last. I work out

> >of my house so not being home when she calls is not an option

> >either. I can do that part of the time but not all the

> >time. Any suggestions any of you might have would be greatly

> >appreciated.

>

> --

> Katrina

>

>

>