Re: Nada Wants to Teach Me to Be More Like Her - she says she doesn't have long

[Guest guest]

Yes that is abuse and yes you can set limits.

And as far as the " angel friend " my nada did that too me, even as a teen,

becoming best friends with girls who I didn't want to be friends with

because they were sleeping around/abusing drugs etc. Very nice, nada! Oldest

trick in the book. Why do they do that????

>

>

> Romantic Libra,

>

> Just because NC is not an option, that doesn't mean you have to

> put up with abusive contact. Do you have to answer her calls?

> Can you use caller ID to see when she's calling and just not

> answer more than a few times a week? (If she asks where you were

> and why you didn't answer, the only explanation you owe her is

> " I wasn't available to take your call at that time " .) Since you

> work at home, saying you need to get back to work is another

> option if you feel you have to answer. (That's the one I

> commonly use when talking to my nada. It has the added benefit

> of generally being true.) If my nada starts saying inappropriate

> or abusive things to me on the phone, I tell her that we're not

> going to discuss that topic. If she continues with it, I hang

> up. Is there a reason you can't do the same? Nothing you do is

> going to make her happy is it? So why put up with abuse to avoid

> doing things that make her unhappy with you? As for the lies and

> accusations, I wouldn't dignify them with any response beyond

> something like " that topic is not up for discussion " . Since I

> started reacting to my nada that way, my relationship with her

> has improved massively. If your nada wants you to react and

> wants the resulting drama, not giving it to her takes away a lot

> of the incentive to do it. That may not stop her from continuing

> to do it, but it will hopefully reduce the stress it causes for

> you.

>

>

> At 11:58 AM 01/03/2011 Romantic Libra wrote:

> >Nada just called me and told me everything I had done wrong to

> >'her' in my life (all distorted and her bizarre fantasy world

> >landscape of what actually occurred and I know it did

> >not). She went on to say I was 'very jealous of her' just like

> >my 'Aunt Fran' and that Aunt Fran now has 'no friends' because

> >of her behaviors and I won't either. She has to 'teach me to

> >be just like her' and 'doesn't have long to live so this has to

> >happen soon'. She went on to say that I dropped a 'an angel of

> >a woman who was your friend - can't remember her name but YOU

> >liked her and then dropped her for no reason'. No, nada I did

> >NOT drop her for no reason - she betrayed me and she was no

> >friend. You can't talk to nada about anything from your side

> >of things so why waste my breathe but how do I deal with her

> >ranting and 'teaching' me to 'be just like her' when I

> >absolutely do NOT want to be anything like her. I am 60 years

> >old - not 10 and I don't want to be 'trained by her'. She will

> >be 90 on April 5 (she says she isn't going to live to see it

> >and with her health issues I absolutely believe it). Her

> >doctor told me as much, but since nada won't listen to a thing

> >she suggests nor does nada want anything from her except her

> >painkillers which this doctor is more than willing to keep

> >prescribing even though nada doesn't get checkups by her

> >anymore - forget that they are physically addictive and nada

> >SCREAMS if she empties her bottle that is supposed to last a

> >month in less than 2 weeks and the pharmacist won't refill it

> >until the month is up, but anyway.

> >

> >I can't keep saying to nada " I'm expecting an important phone

> >call so I can't talk now " as nada is demented but not stupid

> >and would see through that. I can't give her an ultimatum as

> >she isn't verbally abusing me and calling me names - she is

> >demeaning me and trying to control me in a sense but she has no

> >control so that wouldn't help either. Do I just let her rant

> >and rant and hang up laughing at her behind her back? This

> >seems the only solution but it is difficult to take. Some of

> >these blatant lies nada conjures up from her distorted past and

> >accusations of what I did (even though I didn't do them) make

> >me nuts deep inside. I know I shouldn't let it bother me but I

> >hate it. She also said " you can't help yourself for being so

> >'emotional' - 'you're just like my FATHER - YOUR

> >grandfather!' First of all I never met the alcoholic father

> >who incested you I felt like saying, but and I have never been

> >drunk once in my life, but anyway doesn't matter. How do I

> >deal with nada's accusations and her 'teaching me to be just

> >like her'? N.C. is not an option as I am Power of Attorney for

> >her if something happens; an only child and at this late date

> >there is no sense doing that as even her doctor felt she didn't

> >have too long to live when I spoke with her last. I work out

> >of my house so not being home when she calls is not an option

> >either. I can do that part of the time but not all the

> >time. Any suggestions any of you might have would be greatly

> >appreciated.

>

> --

> Katrina

>

>

>