My cat died

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry this topic is such a downer...Usually I pretty much ignore Christmas

day but this year that's going to be a challenge (to not feel yuck) because on

Tuesday my oldest cat lost his battle with pancreatic cancer.I knew that was

going to happen sooner rather than later but I was hoping he'd make it to the

New Year.He went from being ok (considering) to rapidly failing in one day.

I feel like an emotional wreck because I couldn't save my baby at the end; I

couldn't make it better for him.He trusted me totally and he loved me--early on

Tuesday morning he cried out in pain for the first time and I knew it was time

to say goodbye,but when I petted him and talked to him he completely relaxed and

was so soothed,like mommy's loving touch and mommy's loving words made

everything ok...and if only,if only that could have been enough...there is

something about that that is killing me emotionally now,I'm not sure why...how

he perceived my love as healing when I knew it wasn't going to be enough to

spare him.The poignancy of him being able to completely trust in his mommy,when

that is something I never had--and yet being able to be that mommy for him

wasn't enough.And he was such a precious little guy,so sweet and so

innocent...He was responsive to me and soothed by me right up to the end,not

like how they say a cat wants to be alone when they die: he wanted me with

him...and he kept trusting me,like trusting that I could make it better,although

I had to " betray " his trust with euthanasia.

All I wanted to do was make it all better for him and I just wanted with

all of my being for that dying not to be happening to him.Nada used to tell me

to kill myself and manufactured a couple of scenarios when I was a child when I

could have died and I'm acutely aware of how *opposite* that is to how I was/am

feeling about my little baby cat,acutely aware of how *un* maternal nada was

with me.My heart was just breaking for my cat--it still is breaking--and nada's

" heart " was so cold to all of my suffering.So I have not just my cat dying in

time for Christmas (when I was due to be born at Christmas,hence my name) but

also realizing again and even more deeply how sick nada was to just not care

about me at all.I can't understand how a mother's heart wouldn't just break if

her baby is in pain.And how she never soothed me.The contrast with how I feel

about my baby so stark and it's triggering bad memories when I need to have some

psychic space here to grieve the passing of my cat.

I brought him back from the vet's and he's out on my front porch still

wrapped in a rose colored blanket,the color of love.I need to get out there

today before it starts to snow to bury him in the backyard but I'm having such a

hard time letting him go.I feel like I can't bear that moment of finality.

If any of you could say a prayer or somesuch for a very

sweet,cuddly,gentle kitty who never harmed anything or anyone (he was an indoor

cat) to help me send him on his way...My own thoughts are so convoluted right

now,I have tried to concentrate on letting his spirit be free but I keep having

flashbacks of nada being nasty to me (in contrast to how much I loved my cat)

and they're intruding on the sanctity of any spiritual thoughts I'm trying to

direct his way.

His name was Sprite but I usually called him by his

nickname,Bunny,because he hopped when he was playing.He loved to leap up on his

hind legs to catch his " bird on a wire " toy,he slobbered over catnip and kitty

caviar,he liked to sleep stretched out in the V of my legs at night,when I came

in from grocery shopping he always had to inspect all the bags,he liked to carry

the plastic tab from a milk bottle top around in his mouth like it was a prize

and to bat at my shoelaces when I was tying my shoes...He purred alot and liked

to be held and kissed on the top of his head.He's been with me since I returned

to the States--two months after I came back here I saw something being pushed

out of a car that drove off and when I went to see what it was,there was a

little long haired grey kitten flattened to the ground and shaking in the

dark.He's been my loyal friend through out everything I've gone through with

nada and fada since my return.He's given me love,love,and more love no matter

what was going on in my life.He was a pure soul of joy and goodness.

Thanks for listening.I feel like a mess trying to find words for this.And

again,sorry it's such a downer.