Re: Here goes

[Guest guest]

Rish, I can relate. It sounds like you are rebelling against your success eating intuitively. I've been there. Part of it is not wanting to lose the preoccupation with and strange, but compelling benefits of overeating. I want to prove to myself that I can still overeat if I want to. I find I do this when I am subconsciously restricting or judging myself on my weight, even a little. Another part of it is the fear of success or feeling like you somehow don't deserve to be a normal eater. Then when you overeat, you can have the satisfaction of "proving" that you really can't do this -- "see, I really am a failure after all." Because what would your life look like as a normal eater? What would you do with your time and the emptiness you may feel when eating isn't your biggest concern and project? It's an unknown and that can be scary, too.

I think being aware during a binge is a huge achievement. It didn't stop you, but that's OK. You are taking it one step at a time, and that's as it should be. Keep noticing when you are binging - how the food tastes, feels, etc. without judging. Eventually, I'm told that the urges subside or dramatically lessen. Be with yourself and support yourself during these times. You are most in need of your own compassion when you are being compulsive.

Mimi

Subject: Here goesTo: IntuitiveEating_Support Date: Monday, September 19, 2011, 7:18 PM

Hi everyone, I'm writing to share about a serious personal struggle I'm facing wit my eating disorder. I consider myself to have EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified), because I am in recovery for binge eating and for restricting (nasty cycle to be in), as well as overexercising. In the past I've had success with intuitive eating. I moved home and started working on it about a month ago. I haven't restricted what I eat, only restricted myself to eat when hungry and stop when full. For about a month and a half, I was not binging or restricting. I had a few days with some compulsive bites but I recognized it and moved on.During the last couple weeks, in part due to working at a new job with a really bad environment, I started binging again. It was terrifying because I was so aware of it and yet my awareness couldn't help me this time. It was scary. It happened about four days in the last week. And it didn't necessarily feel

like emotional eating, more like I wanted to fail with my recovery. I didn't feel like trying, didn't think it was worth it. It was strange. Now I'm afraid of spinning out of control again. I'm afraid of all letting food conquer me again, because it's definitely felt like that for the last week. During times like this I feel really helpless, because my eating disorder seems so strong and powerful that my best efforts never seem to work. In fact sometimes I don't even try because I'm afraid if I do and fail, then I'll just lose faith in the process of recovery.I'm really scared. I know how to eat intuitively. That doesn't seem like the problem. I think it's a lot of negative beliefs that are trying to stop me, and I feel so weak and powerless :-(If anyone can relate or have some advice about similar experiences, I would really appreciate it.Thank you for readingRish

[Guest guest]

Joanna, Bingo! You describe me (and many other women, I suspect) perfectly. "Why do something half-way?" has been my motto for a long time. It prevented me from doing many things and enjoying my life in many ways. I have a long and sordid educational history, marked by fear and perfectionist thinking. I got my master's degree in fiction writing and loved it. However, the thought of rejection letters from publishers (a major, major part of being a writer even for the most famous of them) prevented me from even trying. Before I even submitted my first book proposal, I decided to go to law school because it was "safe" and had less room (in my mind) for humiliating failure. After working in policy for some years, I finally fulfilled my dream of getting into film school. However, again, my fear that I would not make a perfect film or achieve success caused me

to drop out. This attitude has marked much of my life and caused a lot of anguish.

I must look up these flylady books, but I am the same way about cleaning! Thanks.

Mimi

Subject: Re: Here goesTo: IntuitiveEating_Support Date: Tuesday, September 20, 2011, 2:14 PM

Hi Rish,I may be way off base with this, but I wonder if maybe perfectionism is playing some role in all of this. Perfectionists can be experts at self-sabotage!Let me give you an example of what I mean from my own life that doesn't involve food. I have some sort of an (incorrect) core belief that if try something, and don't do it absolutely PERFECTLY, I will be a failure. The idea of failing is too overwhelming, so I do something to sabotage myself before I ever really even get started. For example, in college, I was afraid that if I tried my very best, it might not be good enough, and I wouldn't get all A's. If I tried my best and didn't get A's, that would be extremely hard to handle. BUT, if I didn't go to class and didn't study until the night before the test, and then pulled a C, then I had an excuse for not succeeding which allowed me to keep my self-esteem intact. I could just say (to myself or others) "Yeah, I got a C, but I

only studied the night before the test and I didn't go to class."My "aha" moment with perfectionism came (strangely enough) from reading books about cleaning by Flylady. Flylady is a cleaning "guru" who used to be a slob. She had been a perfectionist, and her need to get everything exactly right crippled her and kept her from doing anything. Before Flylady, I used to put off cleaning my bathroom, because I thought if I started it, it would be a half-day job in order to do it RIGHT. So rather than do it half-way, I would sabotage myself and not do it at all. Why? Because I had internalized the belief that to do something halfway was to fail. And that would make me a failure -- something I didn't want to face. So rather than trying and failing, I did nothing...which was the much safer option. What that meant is that I rarely had a clean bathroom!!!One day I read this quote by Flylady, and it opened my eyes. She simply said, "Housework done

imperfectly still blesses your family." I guess you could just sum it up and say "Doing something is better than doing nothing." She teaches the idea of using baby steps to get where you're going. We perfectionists have a hard time with that. We want to do everything perfectly right away -- the first time we ever try it. But that's not reality for human beings. We are imperfect creatures, and we will never, ever be perfect in this life. That does not mean we are total failures!!! It means we are human beings. The question is, can we just allow ourselves to continue taking baby steps in the right direction, without hammering ourselves for our perceived failure to be perfect?All this to say that intuitive eating is not something you have to do perfectly -- or else!!! It is a process of just making baby steps in the right direction. I don't know about you, but I think that solves a lot of problems for me in the area of losing control. I don't have

to punish myself for not performing perfectly at intuitive eating by binging. I can just take the next step, and continue learning to walk. It's okay. And I don't have to sabotage myself out of fear that somewhere down the line I am bound to fail. If I redefine success as "progress" instead of "perfection," it frees me to continue taking the next baby step.I don't know, Rish, maybe this has nothing to do with you at all. But who knows, maybe it will help someone else on here. I also want to echo Jane's outstanding advice about calling someone. It can be a hard thing to do, but it does help.Blessings to you!Joanna---

[Guest guest]

Joanna, Bingo! You describe me (and many other women, I suspect) perfectly. "Why do something half-way?" has been my motto for a long time. It prevented me from doing many things and enjoying my life in many ways. I have a long and sordid educational history, marked by fear and perfectionist thinking. I got my master's degree in fiction writing and loved it. However, the thought of rejection letters from publishers (a major, major part of being a writer even for the most famous of them) prevented me from even trying. Before I even submitted my first book proposal, I decided to go to law school because it was "safe" and had less room (in my mind) for humiliating failure. After working in policy for some years, I finally fulfilled my dream of getting into film school. However, again, my fear that I would not make a perfect film or achieve success caused me

to drop out. This attitude has marked much of my life and caused a lot of anguish.

I must look up these flylady books, but I am the same way about cleaning! Thanks.

Mimi

Subject: Re: Here goesTo: IntuitiveEating_Support Date: Tuesday, September 20, 2011, 2:14 PM

Hi Rish,I may be way off base with this, but I wonder if maybe perfectionism is playing some role in all of this. Perfectionists can be experts at self-sabotage!Let me give you an example of what I mean from my own life that doesn't involve food. I have some sort of an (incorrect) core belief that if try something, and don't do it absolutely PERFECTLY, I will be a failure. The idea of failing is too overwhelming, so I do something to sabotage myself before I ever really even get started. For example, in college, I was afraid that if I tried my very best, it might not be good enough, and I wouldn't get all A's. If I tried my best and didn't get A's, that would be extremely hard to handle. BUT, if I didn't go to class and didn't study until the night before the test, and then pulled a C, then I had an excuse for not succeeding which allowed me to keep my self-esteem intact. I could just say (to myself or others) "Yeah, I got a C, but I

only studied the night before the test and I didn't go to class."My "aha" moment with perfectionism came (strangely enough) from reading books about cleaning by Flylady. Flylady is a cleaning "guru" who used to be a slob. She had been a perfectionist, and her need to get everything exactly right crippled her and kept her from doing anything. Before Flylady, I used to put off cleaning my bathroom, because I thought if I started it, it would be a half-day job in order to do it RIGHT. So rather than do it half-way, I would sabotage myself and not do it at all. Why? Because I had internalized the belief that to do something halfway was to fail. And that would make me a failure -- something I didn't want to face. So rather than trying and failing, I did nothing...which was the much safer option. What that meant is that I rarely had a clean bathroom!!!One day I read this quote by Flylady, and it opened my eyes. She simply said, "Housework done

imperfectly still blesses your family." I guess you could just sum it up and say "Doing something is better than doing nothing." She teaches the idea of using baby steps to get where you're going. We perfectionists have a hard time with that. We want to do everything perfectly right away -- the first time we ever try it. But that's not reality for human beings. We are imperfect creatures, and we will never, ever be perfect in this life. That does not mean we are total failures!!! It means we are human beings. The question is, can we just allow ourselves to continue taking baby steps in the right direction, without hammering ourselves for our perceived failure to be perfect?All this to say that intuitive eating is not something you have to do perfectly -- or else!!! It is a process of just making baby steps in the right direction. I don't know about you, but I think that solves a lot of problems for me in the area of losing control. I don't have

to punish myself for not performing perfectly at intuitive eating by binging. I can just take the next step, and continue learning to walk. It's okay. And I don't have to sabotage myself out of fear that somewhere down the line I am bound to fail. If I redefine success as "progress" instead of "perfection," it frees me to continue taking the next baby step.I don't know, Rish, maybe this has nothing to do with you at all. But who knows, maybe it will help someone else on here. I also want to echo Jane's outstanding advice about calling someone. It can be a hard thing to do, but it does help.Blessings to you!Joanna---