Guest guest Posted December 6, 2010 Report Share Posted December 6, 2010 I have this thing..I named it, " the crazies " . My husband laughs because it's the perfect description of when you wake up in the middle of the night and you can't get back to sleep because of all the crazy thoughts that race through your head in the darkness and stillness of the night. Because I come from a very severely BPD-afflicted family, my midnight crazies sometimes make me lose tons of sleep. I think about: how all the women in my family repel each other how we don't get together for holidays (which makes me so sad) how i sometimes feel like i'm so damn useless how i beat myself up and am so hard on myself how i am nicer to others than i am to myself how i feel bad for my kids that their mom is sometimes depressed how i lack the knowledge of how to act in certain situations how i have no healthy emotional background to draw from my mom lack of unconditional love from my parents and how that affects my daily life how hard life is without a proper stable family life while growing up how hard life is when thoughts of suicide used to be 100% of the time how hard life is when you have the memory of wanting to end all of your pain with an irrational act having chunks of time missing from your upbringing because they were just too painful to remember losing people along the way that you loved because your mom came first not accomplishing life goals because your mom came first obsessing about your mom's happiness and health because mom came first losing sleep because your mom needed more than you needed years of therapy because mom made you feel like you were at your end always feeling like you're running on a treadmill that doesn't stop not being able to relax because you should be doing more feeling bad for your kids because they have no viable family members around for life...but hearing about them in theory wanting to share fun times and activities with family that are not there for you watching other people enjoy their parents not getting to be the daughter I really am and always wanted to be feeling like an orphan for so long while my parents are still alive These are just some of my midnight crazies. My husband always comments on how well I have overcome my mom's affliction, how happy I look, how happy our home is, how lucky our kids are to have me, how lucky he is to have me, how my friends love me, how I brighten a room. But, in the middle of the night, in the darkness and solitude, I feel like such a failure. Amy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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