feelings are OK

[Guest guest]

I'm still not Ok with having feelings, but I realized today that it's OKAY to

have feelings. I constantly feel guilty or bad or ashamed of my feelings. Maybe

now that I think it's OK to have them I will start feeling comfortable with

having them? Maybe I will get to a point where I don't have the constant need to

apologize for them? Does that make sense?

I have been having a hard time as I was put on bed rest last week for

contractions. I am now 35 weeks pregnant and while if the baby was born now he

would most likely be fine, it's best for him to stay in a little longer. I am

upset because one doctor told me bed rest for pre-term labor is not necessary

and is " voo-doo " , while another told me absolutely modified bed rest in needed.

So now I had to go off work a month early and am not getting paid and my poor

husband is having to pick up all the housework slack and I can't even pick up my

beautiful 21 month old.I also feel guilty about work because they are having a

hard time without me. The worst part- now that I left early I will most likely

not get as much time off after the baby is born and that KILLS me. ARGH!!! Lying

around makes me even more tired.

So I feel guilty,sad and worried and more guilty for having things feelings when

I am so blessed in many ways. Mad at myself for not " sucking it up " . My husband

said (in a very nice way) that I have a harder time accepting what is than most,

and then I felt the need to apologize for that! I just want to be OK with me-

yes maybe I do have a hard time accepting things. But I have other good

qualities to make up for my fleas right? And I can work on my fleas. No one is

perfect- yet I feel less loveable when others notice any of my flaws.