Changing Thoughts

[Guest guest]

After nada's latest round of abuse, I think I've finally come to the point where

I no longer have any expectations, will no longer have any hope that she might

get help and will not spend one more second wishing I had a real mother. For

whatever reason, she is on the path she is on and so am I. I am not a

subscriber of " deal with the abuse because it's excused due to a personality

disorder. " Believe me, I feel really bad about the harm that she does to her

self during these attacks but the reality is, she chooses hate over treatment

and that's not my problem. I honestly love her but I have rights too. My

childhood was not okay and it was never okay for her to attempt to verbally and

emotionally abuse me as an adult. I don't need that drama in my life. There

are other dramas to contend with in this play called life and for me, the role

of nada's whipping girl is over, the role of nada's rescuer or hero are over and

the role I have played of being a victim cheated out of a mother by some twisted

deal of the cards is over.

I do not want this negative and toxic emotion so I'm choosing to let it go.

Telling my story again and again only reinforces the negativity and pain. I

acknowledge the pain and I feel it but I think I just need to focus on the only

thing I have the power to control concerning her and that is my reaction to her.

I cannot react to character assassination and criticism. What ever she calls me

is just what she truly loathes within herself. Her thick hatred and jealousy

are about her and I will no longer allow that behavior in my life. I could

never say that I hate her, she is my mother. But, I do hate her behavior and

the damage it causes to everyone around her - including her.

I learned so much from her - like how to be a good mother by what it is like to

have one that was not so good. I'm sure she did the only things she knew how to

do whether I liked it or not or whether it hurt me or not. The thing is, her

life is not about me and my life is not about her. Our paths have diverged in

very different directions. I choose health, healing and to focus on the good in

my life. I cannot allow her to take me down any more...so, I turn her care over

to her Higher Power, to her Maker and pray that she is watched over, taken care

of in a way that can somehow facilitate her comfort. I choose forgiveness for

the abuse that may or may not be her fault, I really don't care...I just cannot

hold onto hatred or anger because I will become her and I won't have it.

It took me a week of anger and tears but finally I'm at peace and all it took

was a change in thought (okay, and I changed my phone number...LOL). I only

wish she could for a moment find even 5 minutes of peace and that she could some

how develop and feel the love from within. But, it's not for me to worry about

any more. NC is the only way that I can live and be loving with myself. It's

the only thing that I can control.

I pray for healing for all of you. My heart goes out to you with every post I

read. I know that you all can find a way to cope with your relations. I find

that if you believe it, you can make it so.

Many blessings to you all!

Jaie