Re: Philisophical vs Practical

January 10, 2011

My husband demonstrated Doug's subtle way of standing up for himself at our

exercise club this weekend. Some kids were pushing trying to get out the door

around him with the stroller. He said, in a pleasant tone, " You boys in a

hurry? " The pushier one said, " Yeah " and kept pushing. The other one (with a

BPD mother I have met there - not kidding a real doozy) said, " Not that much of

a hurry, we should let you go first. " My husband has some hearing loss from

heavy equipment and didn't hear it. He just kind of made himself bigger, slowed

down a little and took his time getting through the double doors. (Not sure how

he blocked them both - he's good at that kind of thing.) Anyway, I told him

what the other boy said and his response was, " Yes, they should have let us go

first. " As a KO, I am apologetic that I exist and even more that I have the

gall to come to the gym with a stroller and wait until the whole entryway is

clear before trying to get through with the stroller. It was a notable

contrast.

I have read an article that talks about how men tend to " take up their space "

better than women. It was explaining ways to be more assertive as a female and

mentioned body posture and a general attitude of owning your space.

I think a lot of what Doug was trying to show us is how to just " be " who you are

and worthy of respect. He used specific examples to demonstrate how to do this

without being rude. In fact, I have noticed that people get along great with my

husband. It's like going around with a freaking celebrity (used to bug me, but

now I'm part of the " show " ). :-)

I'm learning to " take up my space " verbally and physically. Try it. Just sit

back in your chair and spread out a little. Take a deep breath and sit up

straight. Have you ever put your arm over the back of a couch or the other seat

in your car? It's kind of fun - always gets me giggling. (I know you can do

it, because I'm 5'2 " and can do it in my Ford Taurus company fleet car.)

+Coal Miner's Daughter

p.s. I used to think my husband had a " ticket " to assertiveness because he's

male and that I would be perceived as a b*tch. This is relevant in running my

own business, especially a tree service. I'm sure you can imagine all of the

issues with the crew, clients, etc. So I started trying his approach on the

phone, then in person. It works. In fact, people respond better to me when I'm

direct. Note* He has this lovely way of relating sincerely. He finds something

about that person to mention in a positive way or just says something about how

busy the store is today or whatever. He actually cares about people, and they

feel this too. It's weird how many special deals or little courtesies he

receives doing business. It has started happening to me now too. Sometimes

people just extend offers or try to help without even being asked. Then I find

some way to help them back, at the very least ask to leave a message for the

manager about their good service, when applicable.

I have a friend at the 's drive-thru who always says hi to me and the kids.

We haven't helped each other in any significant way, just say hi and how are

you? It peps me up every time. Really nice lady.

p.p.s. I should mention that I had learned hermit ways and had agoraphobia on my

long list of issues. I couldn't even call the phone company to ask for a bill

total 10 years ago - would start crying and want to commit suicide. Wish I was

kidding.

>

> Agreed. I did nt mean to give the impression that this is easy for me,

> or that I fell off the turnip truck asserting my right to exist. It is

> a process and a hard one. For any of us who lived with FOG, asserting

> ourselves is a challenge.

>

> Walking away is less satisfying than confronting, but is still an

> acceptable alternative to our natural bent, which is bend over and take

> it!

>

> Yea, I love Walter, but if he were a real person someone would slap

> shit out of him!

>

> Lol.

>

> And , no, not everything will work for everybody. As we heal, we find

> what works well for us and move forward. Still , there are times you

> have to say outwardly, yes sir yes sir, 3 bags full, while inside you

> are muttering....Prick!

>

> Doug

>

January 10, 2011

" As a KO, I am apologetic that I exist and even more that I have the gall to

come to the gym with a stroller and wait until the whole entryway is clear

before trying to get through with the stroller. It was a notable contrast. "

I get that. I am also apologetic that I exist. How dare me end up in

someone else's way or need to ask them to move. Example: I was at the book

store the other day. I was in line and they always have clearance books

near the registers. I wanted to see one of them, and asked the woman in

front of me to move by saying something like " Excuse me, I'd like to see

that book. I'm sorry. "

Yes, I'm sorry that I would like you to move so I can see something. How

dare me ask someone else to move so that I can fulfill a desire of my own.

Don'cha hate that? I think I should try to take " I'm sorry " out of my

language as best I can except to use it when I have actually done something

wrong.

Mia

January 10, 2011