Guest guest Posted January 3, 2011 Report Share Posted January 3, 2011 This was wonderful. The 2nd list especially. You have put into words that are hard for me to find myself. We all deserve the right to protect our sanity. Thank you for posting this, I needed to see it. ~Sara jo > > Looking back I now very clearly see: > > 1. I chose to attempt to be nada's hero to win her love. > 2. I chose to believe her twisted attempts at assassinating my character and in so doing, I gave her my power. > 3. I chose to avoid conflict and argument by just giving nada what she wanted to a point. > 4. I chose to try to be the dutiful daughter of an abusive and neglecting parent just to be above reproach from her. > 5. I chose to pretend the problem didn't exist. > 6. Through My own insecurity, I believed that I was the problem. > 7. I chose to meet her demands for money and care that she could have and should have provided for herself. > 8. I chose to say yes when in my heart and mind I was screaming no. > 9. I chose to give of myself and my means to someone who would suck the life out of me because I revere motherhood because I am one. > 10. I chose to ignore her bad behavior so I could have some shred of a mother in my life even if she was a bad one. > > She never made me feel anything I didn't allow myself to feel. I was a willing participant until I learned and fully realized that I could make a better choice. I was at fault for my own suffering by not standing up for myself and setting healthy boundaries. When I was little it was her fault. But when I grew up, it was mine for continuing to enable her bad behavior. > > Now I know: > 1. I have the right to say no without engaging in a debate about my no or having to defend it. > 2. I have the right to discontinue any conversation or relationship that makes me feel uncomfortable or in any way raises feelings of violation in me. > 3. I have the right to peace and sanity and healthy relationships with people who respect themselves enough to respect my boundaries. > 4. I have the right to focus on my children without someone making me feel horrible because I'm putting children above a grown adult! > 5. I have the right to pursue happiness in my life without someone critiquing it every step of the way. > 6. I deserve to have relationships with people who are sincere and are not manipulating me just to get something from me. > 7. I have the right to be loved for just being me and not have to earn someone's love by proving I can rescue them or do something of value for them first. > 8. I earn my own money and have the right to spend it on my debts, my children, on my hobbies and my pleasures without someone screaming at me to buy their dentures and quite being a selfish witch with a capital B. > 9. I deserve to have peace and quiet between 1 and 5 am and not be screamed at for not answering the 20 drunken phone calls to insult me. > 10. I have the right to be free from the past that harmed me and that I further allowed to harm me. > 11. I have the right to heal my wounds from my choices without any form of interference from my abuser and if she doesn't like it that's just too da#@ bad! > > I'm a good person, who works hard. I may be judged harshly because I don't have a good relationship with my mother but with everything in me I tried. I just refuse to cater to and take abuse from insane people, regardless of their position in my life. It is what it is. > > Instead of enabling bad behavior, I now choose to enable my healing, my freedom and my own self-love uninterrupted. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 3, 2011 Report Share Posted January 3, 2011 Good " I " statements! Your resolutions are inspiring. I can tell you've been on quite a journey. I only hope that I can learn from your experience. > > Looking back I now very clearly see: > > 1. I chose to attempt to be nada's hero to win her love. > 2. I chose to believe her twisted attempts at assassinating my character and in so doing, I gave her my power. > 3. I chose to avoid conflict and argument by just giving nada what she wanted to a point. > 4. I chose to try to be the dutiful daughter of an abusive and neglecting parent just to be above reproach from her. > 5. I chose to pretend the problem didn't exist. > 6. Through My own insecurity, I believed that I was the problem. > 7. I chose to meet her demands for money and care that she could have and should have provided for herself. > 8. I chose to say yes when in my heart and mind I was screaming no. > 9. I chose to give of myself and my means to someone who would suck the life out of me because I revere motherhood because I am one. > 10. I chose to ignore her bad behavior so I could have some shred of a mother in my life even if she was a bad one. > > She never made me feel anything I didn't allow myself to feel. I was a willing participant until I learned and fully realized that I could make a better choice. I was at fault for my own suffering by not standing up for myself and setting healthy boundaries. When I was little it was her fault. But when I grew up, it was mine for continuing to enable her bad behavior. > > Now I know: > 1. I have the right to say no without engaging in a debate about my no or having to defend it. > 2. I have the right to discontinue any conversation or relationship that makes me feel uncomfortable or in any way raises feelings of violation in me. > 3. I have the right to peace and sanity and healthy relationships with people who respect themselves enough to respect my boundaries. > 4. I have the right to focus on my children without someone making me feel horrible because I'm putting children above a grown adult! > 5. I have the right to pursue happiness in my life without someone critiquing it every step of the way. > 6. I deserve to have relationships with people who are sincere and are not manipulating me just to get something from me. > 7. I have the right to be loved for just being me and not have to earn someone's love by proving I can rescue them or do something of value for them first. > 8. I earn my own money and have the right to spend it on my debts, my children, on my hobbies and my pleasures without someone screaming at me to buy their dentures and quite being a selfish witch with a capital B. > 9. I deserve to have peace and quiet between 1 and 5 am and not be screamed at for not answering the 20 drunken phone calls to insult me. > 10. I have the right to be free from the past that harmed me and that I further allowed to harm me. > 11. I have the right to heal my wounds from my choices without any form of interference from my abuser and if she doesn't like it that's just too da#@ bad! > > I'm a good person, who works hard. I may be judged harshly because I don't have a good relationship with my mother but with everything in me I tried. I just refuse to cater to and take abuse from insane people, regardless of their position in my life. It is what it is. > > Instead of enabling bad behavior, I now choose to enable my healing, my freedom and my own self-love uninterrupted. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 3, 2011 Report Share Posted January 3, 2011 Good " I " statements! Your resolutions are inspiring. I can tell you've been on quite a journey. I only hope that I can learn from your experience. > > Looking back I now very clearly see: > > 1. I chose to attempt to be nada's hero to win her love. > 2. I chose to believe her twisted attempts at assassinating my character and in so doing, I gave her my power. > 3. I chose to avoid conflict and argument by just giving nada what she wanted to a point. > 4. I chose to try to be the dutiful daughter of an abusive and neglecting parent just to be above reproach from her. > 5. I chose to pretend the problem didn't exist. > 6. Through My own insecurity, I believed that I was the problem. > 7. I chose to meet her demands for money and care that she could have and should have provided for herself. > 8. I chose to say yes when in my heart and mind I was screaming no. > 9. I chose to give of myself and my means to someone who would suck the life out of me because I revere motherhood because I am one. > 10. I chose to ignore her bad behavior so I could have some shred of a mother in my life even if she was a bad one. > > She never made me feel anything I didn't allow myself to feel. I was a willing participant until I learned and fully realized that I could make a better choice. I was at fault for my own suffering by not standing up for myself and setting healthy boundaries. When I was little it was her fault. But when I grew up, it was mine for continuing to enable her bad behavior. > > Now I know: > 1. I have the right to say no without engaging in a debate about my no or having to defend it. > 2. I have the right to discontinue any conversation or relationship that makes me feel uncomfortable or in any way raises feelings of violation in me. > 3. I have the right to peace and sanity and healthy relationships with people who respect themselves enough to respect my boundaries. > 4. I have the right to focus on my children without someone making me feel horrible because I'm putting children above a grown adult! > 5. I have the right to pursue happiness in my life without someone critiquing it every step of the way. > 6. I deserve to have relationships with people who are sincere and are not manipulating me just to get something from me. > 7. I have the right to be loved for just being me and not have to earn someone's love by proving I can rescue them or do something of value for them first. > 8. I earn my own money and have the right to spend it on my debts, my children, on my hobbies and my pleasures without someone screaming at me to buy their dentures and quite being a selfish witch with a capital B. > 9. I deserve to have peace and quiet between 1 and 5 am and not be screamed at for not answering the 20 drunken phone calls to insult me. > 10. I have the right to be free from the past that harmed me and that I further allowed to harm me. > 11. I have the right to heal my wounds from my choices without any form of interference from my abuser and if she doesn't like it that's just too da#@ bad! > > I'm a good person, who works hard. I may be judged harshly because I don't have a good relationship with my mother but with everything in me I tried. I just refuse to cater to and take abuse from insane people, regardless of their position in my life. It is what it is. > > Instead of enabling bad behavior, I now choose to enable my healing, my freedom and my own self-love uninterrupted. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 3, 2011 Report Share Posted January 3, 2011 Thank you for this post! There are a lot of hard truths here. However in order to get past it, one must go through it. I am about halfway through this journey. This gives me hope. > > Looking back I now very clearly see: > > 1. I chose to attempt to be nada's hero to win her love. > 2. I chose to believe her twisted attempts at assassinating my character and in so doing, I gave her my power. > 3. I chose to avoid conflict and argument by just giving nada what she wanted to a point. > 4. I chose to try to be the dutiful daughter of an abusive and neglecting parent just to be above reproach from her. > 5. I chose to pretend the problem didn't exist. > 6. Through My own insecurity, I believed that I was the problem. > 7. I chose to meet her demands for money and care that she could have and should have provided for herself. > 8. I chose to say yes when in my heart and mind I was screaming no. > 9. I chose to give of myself and my means to someone who would suck the life out of me because I revere motherhood because I am one. > 10. I chose to ignore her bad behavior so I could have some shred of a mother in my life even if she was a bad one. > > She never made me feel anything I didn't allow myself to feel. I was a willing participant until I learned and fully realized that I could make a better choice. I was at fault for my own suffering by not standing up for myself and setting healthy boundaries. When I was little it was her fault. But when I grew up, it was mine for continuing to enable her bad behavior. > > Now I know: > 1. I have the right to say no without engaging in a debate about my no or having to defend it. > 2. I have the right to discontinue any conversation or relationship that makes me feel uncomfortable or in any way raises feelings of violation in me. > 3. I have the right to peace and sanity and healthy relationships with people who respect themselves enough to respect my boundaries. > 4. I have the right to focus on my children without someone making me feel horrible because I'm putting children above a grown adult! > 5. I have the right to pursue happiness in my life without someone critiquing it every step of the way. > 6. I deserve to have relationships with people who are sincere and are not manipulating me just to get something from me. > 7. I have the right to be loved for just being me and not have to earn someone's love by proving I can rescue them or do something of value for them first. > 8. I earn my own money and have the right to spend it on my debts, my children, on my hobbies and my pleasures without someone screaming at me to buy their dentures and quite being a selfish witch with a capital B. > 9. I deserve to have peace and quiet between 1 and 5 am and not be screamed at for not answering the 20 drunken phone calls to insult me. > 10. I have the right to be free from the past that harmed me and that I further allowed to harm me. > 11. I have the right to heal my wounds from my choices without any form of interference from my abuser and if she doesn't like it that's just too da#@ bad! > > I'm a good person, who works hard. I may be judged harshly because I don't have a good relationship with my mother but with everything in me I tried. I just refuse to cater to and take abuse from insane people, regardless of their position in my life. It is what it is. > > Instead of enabling bad behavior, I now choose to enable my healing, my freedom and my own self-love uninterrupted. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 3, 2011 Report Share Posted January 3, 2011 Thank you for this post! There are a lot of hard truths here. However in order to get past it, one must go through it. I am about halfway through this journey. This gives me hope. > > Looking back I now very clearly see: > > 1. I chose to attempt to be nada's hero to win her love. > 2. I chose to believe her twisted attempts at assassinating my character and in so doing, I gave her my power. > 3. I chose to avoid conflict and argument by just giving nada what she wanted to a point. > 4. I chose to try to be the dutiful daughter of an abusive and neglecting parent just to be above reproach from her. > 5. I chose to pretend the problem didn't exist. > 6. Through My own insecurity, I believed that I was the problem. > 7. I chose to meet her demands for money and care that she could have and should have provided for herself. > 8. I chose to say yes when in my heart and mind I was screaming no. > 9. I chose to give of myself and my means to someone who would suck the life out of me because I revere motherhood because I am one. > 10. I chose to ignore her bad behavior so I could have some shred of a mother in my life even if she was a bad one. > > She never made me feel anything I didn't allow myself to feel. I was a willing participant until I learned and fully realized that I could make a better choice. I was at fault for my own suffering by not standing up for myself and setting healthy boundaries. When I was little it was her fault. But when I grew up, it was mine for continuing to enable her bad behavior. > > Now I know: > 1. I have the right to say no without engaging in a debate about my no or having to defend it. > 2. I have the right to discontinue any conversation or relationship that makes me feel uncomfortable or in any way raises feelings of violation in me. > 3. I have the right to peace and sanity and healthy relationships with people who respect themselves enough to respect my boundaries. > 4. I have the right to focus on my children without someone making me feel horrible because I'm putting children above a grown adult! > 5. I have the right to pursue happiness in my life without someone critiquing it every step of the way. > 6. I deserve to have relationships with people who are sincere and are not manipulating me just to get something from me. > 7. I have the right to be loved for just being me and not have to earn someone's love by proving I can rescue them or do something of value for them first. > 8. I earn my own money and have the right to spend it on my debts, my children, on my hobbies and my pleasures without someone screaming at me to buy their dentures and quite being a selfish witch with a capital B. > 9. I deserve to have peace and quiet between 1 and 5 am and not be screamed at for not answering the 20 drunken phone calls to insult me. > 10. I have the right to be free from the past that harmed me and that I further allowed to harm me. > 11. I have the right to heal my wounds from my choices without any form of interference from my abuser and if she doesn't like it that's just too da#@ bad! > > I'm a good person, who works hard. I may be judged harshly because I don't have a good relationship with my mother but with everything in me I tried. I just refuse to cater to and take abuse from insane people, regardless of their position in my life. It is what it is. > > Instead of enabling bad behavior, I now choose to enable my healing, my freedom and my own self-love uninterrupted. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 3, 2011 Report Share Posted January 3, 2011 Thank you for this post! There are a lot of hard truths here. However in order to get past it, one must go through it. I am about halfway through this journey. This gives me hope. > > Looking back I now very clearly see: > > 1. I chose to attempt to be nada's hero to win her love. > 2. I chose to believe her twisted attempts at assassinating my character and in so doing, I gave her my power. > 3. I chose to avoid conflict and argument by just giving nada what she wanted to a point. > 4. I chose to try to be the dutiful daughter of an abusive and neglecting parent just to be above reproach from her. > 5. I chose to pretend the problem didn't exist. > 6. Through My own insecurity, I believed that I was the problem. > 7. I chose to meet her demands for money and care that she could have and should have provided for herself. > 8. I chose to say yes when in my heart and mind I was screaming no. > 9. I chose to give of myself and my means to someone who would suck the life out of me because I revere motherhood because I am one. > 10. I chose to ignore her bad behavior so I could have some shred of a mother in my life even if she was a bad one. > > She never made me feel anything I didn't allow myself to feel. I was a willing participant until I learned and fully realized that I could make a better choice. I was at fault for my own suffering by not standing up for myself and setting healthy boundaries. When I was little it was her fault. But when I grew up, it was mine for continuing to enable her bad behavior. > > Now I know: > 1. I have the right to say no without engaging in a debate about my no or having to defend it. > 2. I have the right to discontinue any conversation or relationship that makes me feel uncomfortable or in any way raises feelings of violation in me. > 3. I have the right to peace and sanity and healthy relationships with people who respect themselves enough to respect my boundaries. > 4. I have the right to focus on my children without someone making me feel horrible because I'm putting children above a grown adult! > 5. I have the right to pursue happiness in my life without someone critiquing it every step of the way. > 6. I deserve to have relationships with people who are sincere and are not manipulating me just to get something from me. > 7. I have the right to be loved for just being me and not have to earn someone's love by proving I can rescue them or do something of value for them first. > 8. I earn my own money and have the right to spend it on my debts, my children, on my hobbies and my pleasures without someone screaming at me to buy their dentures and quite being a selfish witch with a capital B. > 9. I deserve to have peace and quiet between 1 and 5 am and not be screamed at for not answering the 20 drunken phone calls to insult me. > 10. I have the right to be free from the past that harmed me and that I further allowed to harm me. > 11. I have the right to heal my wounds from my choices without any form of interference from my abuser and if she doesn't like it that's just too da#@ bad! > > I'm a good person, who works hard. I may be judged harshly because I don't have a good relationship with my mother but with everything in me I tried. I just refuse to cater to and take abuse from insane people, regardless of their position in my life. It is what it is. > > Instead of enabling bad behavior, I now choose to enable my healing, my freedom and my own self-love uninterrupted. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 3, 2011 Report Share Posted January 3, 2011 Wow! I am printing this out and putting it in my journal. I could not have said it so well but really need to chant this every day. Thank you! I live in a rural area and finding a qualified therapist is difficult. Don't know what I would do without this group. Kay > > Looking back I now very clearly see: > > 1. I chose to attempt to be nada's hero to win her love. > 2. I chose to believe her twisted attempts at assassinating my character and in so doing, I gave her my power. > 3. I chose to avoid conflict and argument by just giving nada what she wanted to a point. > 4. I chose to try to be the dutiful daughter of an abusive and neglecting parent just to be above reproach from her. > 5. I chose to pretend the problem didn't exist. > 6. Through My own insecurity, I believed that I was the problem. > 7. I chose to meet her demands for money and care that she could have and should have provided for herself. > 8. I chose to say yes when in my heart and mind I was screaming no. > 9. I chose to give of myself and my means to someone who would suck the life out of me because I revere motherhood because I am one. > 10. I chose to ignore her bad behavior so I could have some shred of a mother in my life even if she was a bad one. > > She never made me feel anything I didn't allow myself to feel. I was a willing participant until I learned and fully realized that I could make a better choice. I was at fault for my own suffering by not standing up for myself and setting healthy boundaries. When I was little it was her fault. But when I grew up, it was mine for continuing to enable her bad behavior. > > Now I know: > 1. I have the right to say no without engaging in a debate about my no or having to defend it. > 2. I have the right to discontinue any conversation or relationship that makes me feel uncomfortable or in any way raises feelings of violation in me. > 3. I have the right to peace and sanity and healthy relationships with people who respect themselves enough to respect my boundaries. > 4. I have the right to focus on my children without someone making me feel horrible because I'm putting children above a grown adult! > 5. I have the right to pursue happiness in my life without someone critiquing it every step of the way. > 6. I deserve to have relationships with people who are sincere and are not manipulating me just to get something from me. > 7. I have the right to be loved for just being me and not have to earn someone's love by proving I can rescue them or do something of value for them first. > 8. I earn my own money and have the right to spend it on my debts, my children, on my hobbies and my pleasures without someone screaming at me to buy their dentures and quite being a selfish witch with a capital B. > 9. I deserve to have peace and quiet between 1 and 5 am and not be screamed at for not answering the 20 drunken phone calls to insult me. > 10. I have the right to be free from the past that harmed me and that I further allowed to harm me. > 11. I have the right to heal my wounds from my choices without any form of interference from my abuser and if she doesn't like it that's just too da#@ bad! > > I'm a good person, who works hard. I may be judged harshly because I don't have a good relationship with my mother but with everything in me I tried. I just refuse to cater to and take abuse from insane people, regardless of their position in my life. It is what it is. > > Instead of enabling bad behavior, I now choose to enable my healing, my freedom and my own self-love uninterrupted. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 3, 2011 Report Share Posted January 3, 2011 Wow! I am printing this out and putting it in my journal. I could not have said it so well but really need to chant this every day. Thank you! I live in a rural area and finding a qualified therapist is difficult. Don't know what I would do without this group. Kay > > Looking back I now very clearly see: > > 1. I chose to attempt to be nada's hero to win her love. > 2. I chose to believe her twisted attempts at assassinating my character and in so doing, I gave her my power. > 3. I chose to avoid conflict and argument by just giving nada what she wanted to a point. > 4. I chose to try to be the dutiful daughter of an abusive and neglecting parent just to be above reproach from her. > 5. I chose to pretend the problem didn't exist. > 6. Through My own insecurity, I believed that I was the problem. > 7. I chose to meet her demands for money and care that she could have and should have provided for herself. > 8. I chose to say yes when in my heart and mind I was screaming no. > 9. I chose to give of myself and my means to someone who would suck the life out of me because I revere motherhood because I am one. > 10. I chose to ignore her bad behavior so I could have some shred of a mother in my life even if she was a bad one. > > She never made me feel anything I didn't allow myself to feel. I was a willing participant until I learned and fully realized that I could make a better choice. I was at fault for my own suffering by not standing up for myself and setting healthy boundaries. When I was little it was her fault. But when I grew up, it was mine for continuing to enable her bad behavior. > > Now I know: > 1. I have the right to say no without engaging in a debate about my no or having to defend it. > 2. I have the right to discontinue any conversation or relationship that makes me feel uncomfortable or in any way raises feelings of violation in me. > 3. I have the right to peace and sanity and healthy relationships with people who respect themselves enough to respect my boundaries. > 4. I have the right to focus on my children without someone making me feel horrible because I'm putting children above a grown adult! > 5. I have the right to pursue happiness in my life without someone critiquing it every step of the way. > 6. I deserve to have relationships with people who are sincere and are not manipulating me just to get something from me. > 7. I have the right to be loved for just being me and not have to earn someone's love by proving I can rescue them or do something of value for them first. > 8. I earn my own money and have the right to spend it on my debts, my children, on my hobbies and my pleasures without someone screaming at me to buy their dentures and quite being a selfish witch with a capital B. > 9. I deserve to have peace and quiet between 1 and 5 am and not be screamed at for not answering the 20 drunken phone calls to insult me. > 10. I have the right to be free from the past that harmed me and that I further allowed to harm me. > 11. I have the right to heal my wounds from my choices without any form of interference from my abuser and if she doesn't like it that's just too da#@ bad! > > I'm a good person, who works hard. I may be judged harshly because I don't have a good relationship with my mother but with everything in me I tried. I just refuse to cater to and take abuse from insane people, regardless of their position in my life. It is what it is. > > Instead of enabling bad behavior, I now choose to enable my healing, my freedom and my own self-love uninterrupted. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 3, 2011 Report Share Posted January 3, 2011 Wow! I am printing this out and putting it in my journal. I could not have said it so well but really need to chant this every day. Thank you! I live in a rural area and finding a qualified therapist is difficult. Don't know what I would do without this group. Kay > > Looking back I now very clearly see: > > 1. I chose to attempt to be nada's hero to win her love. > 2. I chose to believe her twisted attempts at assassinating my character and in so doing, I gave her my power. > 3. I chose to avoid conflict and argument by just giving nada what she wanted to a point. > 4. I chose to try to be the dutiful daughter of an abusive and neglecting parent just to be above reproach from her. > 5. I chose to pretend the problem didn't exist. > 6. Through My own insecurity, I believed that I was the problem. > 7. I chose to meet her demands for money and care that she could have and should have provided for herself. > 8. I chose to say yes when in my heart and mind I was screaming no. > 9. I chose to give of myself and my means to someone who would suck the life out of me because I revere motherhood because I am one. > 10. I chose to ignore her bad behavior so I could have some shred of a mother in my life even if she was a bad one. > > She never made me feel anything I didn't allow myself to feel. I was a willing participant until I learned and fully realized that I could make a better choice. I was at fault for my own suffering by not standing up for myself and setting healthy boundaries. When I was little it was her fault. But when I grew up, it was mine for continuing to enable her bad behavior. > > Now I know: > 1. I have the right to say no without engaging in a debate about my no or having to defend it. > 2. I have the right to discontinue any conversation or relationship that makes me feel uncomfortable or in any way raises feelings of violation in me. > 3. I have the right to peace and sanity and healthy relationships with people who respect themselves enough to respect my boundaries. > 4. I have the right to focus on my children without someone making me feel horrible because I'm putting children above a grown adult! > 5. I have the right to pursue happiness in my life without someone critiquing it every step of the way. > 6. I deserve to have relationships with people who are sincere and are not manipulating me just to get something from me. > 7. I have the right to be loved for just being me and not have to earn someone's love by proving I can rescue them or do something of value for them first. > 8. I earn my own money and have the right to spend it on my debts, my children, on my hobbies and my pleasures without someone screaming at me to buy their dentures and quite being a selfish witch with a capital B. > 9. I deserve to have peace and quiet between 1 and 5 am and not be screamed at for not answering the 20 drunken phone calls to insult me. > 10. I have the right to be free from the past that harmed me and that I further allowed to harm me. > 11. I have the right to heal my wounds from my choices without any form of interference from my abuser and if she doesn't like it that's just too da#@ bad! > > I'm a good person, who works hard. I may be judged harshly because I don't have a good relationship with my mother but with everything in me I tried. I just refuse to cater to and take abuse from insane people, regardless of their position in my life. It is what it is. > > Instead of enabling bad behavior, I now choose to enable my healing, my freedom and my own self-love uninterrupted. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 3, 2011 Report Share Posted January 3, 2011 What a completely awesome set of insights, Jaie. Those are such positive, assertive and empowered statements you've made; you've taken your adult power back. YOU go, girl! That rocks! -Annie > > Looking back I now very clearly see: > > 1. I chose to attempt to be nada's hero to win her love. > 2. I chose to believe her twisted attempts at assassinating my character and in so doing, I gave her my power. > 3. I chose to avoid conflict and argument by just giving nada what she wanted to a point. > 4. I chose to try to be the dutiful daughter of an abusive and neglecting parent just to be above reproach from her. > 5. I chose to pretend the problem didn't exist. > 6. Through My own insecurity, I believed that I was the problem. > 7. I chose to meet her demands for money and care that she could have and should have provided for herself. > 8. I chose to say yes when in my heart and mind I was screaming no. > 9. I chose to give of myself and my means to someone who would suck the life out of me because I revere motherhood because I am one. > 10. I chose to ignore her bad behavior so I could have some shred of a mother in my life even if she was a bad one. > > She never made me feel anything I didn't allow myself to feel. I was a willing participant until I learned and fully realized that I could make a better choice. I was at fault for my own suffering by not standing up for myself and setting healthy boundaries. When I was little it was her fault. But when I grew up, it was mine for continuing to enable her bad behavior. > > Now I know: > 1. I have the right to say no without engaging in a debate about my no or having to defend it. > 2. I have the right to discontinue any conversation or relationship that makes me feel uncomfortable or in any way raises feelings of violation in me. > 3. I have the right to peace and sanity and healthy relationships with people who respect themselves enough to respect my boundaries. > 4. I have the right to focus on my children without someone making me feel horrible because I'm putting children above a grown adult! > 5. I have the right to pursue happiness in my life without someone critiquing it every step of the way. > 6. I deserve to have relationships with people who are sincere and are not manipulating me just to get something from me. > 7. I have the right to be loved for just being me and not have to earn someone's love by proving I can rescue them or do something of value for them first. > 8. I earn my own money and have the right to spend it on my debts, my children, on my hobbies and my pleasures without someone screaming at me to buy their dentures and quite being a selfish witch with a capital B. > 9. I deserve to have peace and quiet between 1 and 5 am and not be screamed at for not answering the 20 drunken phone calls to insult me. > 10. I have the right to be free from the past that harmed me and that I further allowed to harm me. > 11. I have the right to heal my wounds from my choices without any form of interference from my abuser and if she doesn't like it that's just too da#@ bad! > > I'm a good person, who works hard. I may be judged harshly because I don't have a good relationship with my mother but with everything in me I tried. I just refuse to cater to and take abuse from insane people, regardless of their position in my life. It is what it is. > > Instead of enabling bad behavior, I now choose to enable my healing, my freedom and my own self-love uninterrupted. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 5, 2011 Report Share Posted January 5, 2011 I love that first list. It can apply to so many relationships. If I posted it on FB (I won't steal your list) my son inlaw would not see himself in it. My daughter gives and gives to him and all he does is demand more. I'm not saying he's BP but he sure is a selfish, demanding and cruel person. That sucks me into either pushing my daughter away when she needs help (because I know my help will also enable lard butt) or giving in. He won't even help take care of his baby son. The other day she wanted to take a long warm bath because she hurt her back. But she couldn't do that without finding a babysitter. That makes me so angry. > > > > Looking back I now very clearly see: > > > > 1. I chose to attempt to be nada's hero to win her love. > > 2. I chose to believe her twisted attempts at assassinating my character and in so doing, I gave her my power. > > 3. I chose to avoid conflict and argument by just giving nada what she wanted to a point. > > 4. I chose to try to be the dutiful daughter of an abusive and neglecting parent just to be above reproach from her. > > 5. I chose to pretend the problem didn't exist. > > 6. Through My own insecurity, I believed that I was the problem. > > 7. I chose to meet her demands for money and care that she could have and should have provided for herself. > > 8. I chose to say yes when in my heart and mind I was screaming no. > > 9. I chose to give of myself and my means to someone who would suck the life out of me because I revere motherhood because I am one. > > 10. I chose to ignore her bad behavior so I could have some shred of a mother in my life even if she was a bad one. > > > > She never made me feel anything I didn't allow myself to feel. I was a willing participant until I learned and fully realized that I could make a better choice. I was at fault for my own suffering by not standing up for myself and setting healthy boundaries. When I was little it was her fault. But when I grew up, it was mine for continuing to enable her bad behavior. > > > > Now I know: > > 1. I have the right to say no without engaging in a debate about my no or having to defend it. > > 2. I have the right to discontinue any conversation or relationship that makes me feel uncomfortable or in any way raises feelings of violation in me. > > 3. I have the right to peace and sanity and healthy relationships with people who respect themselves enough to respect my boundaries. > > 4. I have the right to focus on my children without someone making me feel horrible because I'm putting children above a grown adult! > > 5. I have the right to pursue happiness in my life without someone critiquing it every step of the way. > > 6. I deserve to have relationships with people who are sincere and are not manipulating me just to get something from me. > > 7. I have the right to be loved for just being me and not have to earn someone's love by proving I can rescue them or do something of value for them first. > > 8. I earn my own money and have the right to spend it on my debts, my children, on my hobbies and my pleasures without someone screaming at me to buy their dentures and quite being a selfish witch with a capital B. > > 9. I deserve to have peace and quiet between 1 and 5 am and not be screamed at for not answering the 20 drunken phone calls to insult me. > > 10. I have the right to be free from the past that harmed me and that I further allowed to harm me. > > 11. I have the right to heal my wounds from my choices without any form of interference from my abuser and if she doesn't like it that's just too da#@ bad! > > > > I'm a good person, who works hard. I may be judged harshly because I don't have a good relationship with my mother but with everything in me I tried. I just refuse to cater to and take abuse from insane people, regardless of their position in my life. It is what it is. > > > > Instead of enabling bad behavior, I now choose to enable my healing, my freedom and my own self-love uninterrupted. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 5, 2011 Report Share Posted January 5, 2011 I love that first list. It can apply to so many relationships. If I posted it on FB (I won't steal your list) my son inlaw would not see himself in it. My daughter gives and gives to him and all he does is demand more. I'm not saying he's BP but he sure is a selfish, demanding and cruel person. That sucks me into either pushing my daughter away when she needs help (because I know my help will also enable lard butt) or giving in. He won't even help take care of his baby son. The other day she wanted to take a long warm bath because she hurt her back. But she couldn't do that without finding a babysitter. That makes me so angry. > > > > Looking back I now very clearly see: > > > > 1. I chose to attempt to be nada's hero to win her love. > > 2. I chose to believe her twisted attempts at assassinating my character and in so doing, I gave her my power. > > 3. I chose to avoid conflict and argument by just giving nada what she wanted to a point. > > 4. I chose to try to be the dutiful daughter of an abusive and neglecting parent just to be above reproach from her. > > 5. I chose to pretend the problem didn't exist. > > 6. Through My own insecurity, I believed that I was the problem. > > 7. I chose to meet her demands for money and care that she could have and should have provided for herself. > > 8. I chose to say yes when in my heart and mind I was screaming no. > > 9. I chose to give of myself and my means to someone who would suck the life out of me because I revere motherhood because I am one. > > 10. I chose to ignore her bad behavior so I could have some shred of a mother in my life even if she was a bad one. > > > > She never made me feel anything I didn't allow myself to feel. I was a willing participant until I learned and fully realized that I could make a better choice. I was at fault for my own suffering by not standing up for myself and setting healthy boundaries. When I was little it was her fault. But when I grew up, it was mine for continuing to enable her bad behavior. > > > > Now I know: > > 1. I have the right to say no without engaging in a debate about my no or having to defend it. > > 2. I have the right to discontinue any conversation or relationship that makes me feel uncomfortable or in any way raises feelings of violation in me. > > 3. I have the right to peace and sanity and healthy relationships with people who respect themselves enough to respect my boundaries. > > 4. I have the right to focus on my children without someone making me feel horrible because I'm putting children above a grown adult! > > 5. I have the right to pursue happiness in my life without someone critiquing it every step of the way. > > 6. I deserve to have relationships with people who are sincere and are not manipulating me just to get something from me. > > 7. I have the right to be loved for just being me and not have to earn someone's love by proving I can rescue them or do something of value for them first. > > 8. I earn my own money and have the right to spend it on my debts, my children, on my hobbies and my pleasures without someone screaming at me to buy their dentures and quite being a selfish witch with a capital B. > > 9. I deserve to have peace and quiet between 1 and 5 am and not be screamed at for not answering the 20 drunken phone calls to insult me. > > 10. I have the right to be free from the past that harmed me and that I further allowed to harm me. > > 11. I have the right to heal my wounds from my choices without any form of interference from my abuser and if she doesn't like it that's just too da#@ bad! > > > > I'm a good person, who works hard. I may be judged harshly because I don't have a good relationship with my mother but with everything in me I tried. I just refuse to cater to and take abuse from insane people, regardless of their position in my life. It is what it is. > > > > Instead of enabling bad behavior, I now choose to enable my healing, my freedom and my own self-love uninterrupted. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 5, 2011 Report Share Posted January 5, 2011 I love that first list. It can apply to so many relationships. If I posted it on FB (I won't steal your list) my son inlaw would not see himself in it. My daughter gives and gives to him and all he does is demand more. I'm not saying he's BP but he sure is a selfish, demanding and cruel person. That sucks me into either pushing my daughter away when she needs help (because I know my help will also enable lard butt) or giving in. He won't even help take care of his baby son. The other day she wanted to take a long warm bath because she hurt her back. But she couldn't do that without finding a babysitter. That makes me so angry. > > > > Looking back I now very clearly see: > > > > 1. I chose to attempt to be nada's hero to win her love. > > 2. I chose to believe her twisted attempts at assassinating my character and in so doing, I gave her my power. > > 3. I chose to avoid conflict and argument by just giving nada what she wanted to a point. > > 4. I chose to try to be the dutiful daughter of an abusive and neglecting parent just to be above reproach from her. > > 5. I chose to pretend the problem didn't exist. > > 6. Through My own insecurity, I believed that I was the problem. > > 7. I chose to meet her demands for money and care that she could have and should have provided for herself. > > 8. I chose to say yes when in my heart and mind I was screaming no. > > 9. I chose to give of myself and my means to someone who would suck the life out of me because I revere motherhood because I am one. > > 10. I chose to ignore her bad behavior so I could have some shred of a mother in my life even if she was a bad one. > > > > She never made me feel anything I didn't allow myself to feel. I was a willing participant until I learned and fully realized that I could make a better choice. I was at fault for my own suffering by not standing up for myself and setting healthy boundaries. When I was little it was her fault. But when I grew up, it was mine for continuing to enable her bad behavior. > > > > Now I know: > > 1. I have the right to say no without engaging in a debate about my no or having to defend it. > > 2. I have the right to discontinue any conversation or relationship that makes me feel uncomfortable or in any way raises feelings of violation in me. > > 3. I have the right to peace and sanity and healthy relationships with people who respect themselves enough to respect my boundaries. > > 4. I have the right to focus on my children without someone making me feel horrible because I'm putting children above a grown adult! > > 5. I have the right to pursue happiness in my life without someone critiquing it every step of the way. > > 6. I deserve to have relationships with people who are sincere and are not manipulating me just to get something from me. > > 7. I have the right to be loved for just being me and not have to earn someone's love by proving I can rescue them or do something of value for them first. > > 8. I earn my own money and have the right to spend it on my debts, my children, on my hobbies and my pleasures without someone screaming at me to buy their dentures and quite being a selfish witch with a capital B. > > 9. I deserve to have peace and quiet between 1 and 5 am and not be screamed at for not answering the 20 drunken phone calls to insult me. > > 10. I have the right to be free from the past that harmed me and that I further allowed to harm me. > > 11. I have the right to heal my wounds from my choices without any form of interference from my abuser and if she doesn't like it that's just too da#@ bad! > > > > I'm a good person, who works hard. I may be judged harshly because I don't have a good relationship with my mother but with everything in me I tried. I just refuse to cater to and take abuse from insane people, regardless of their position in my life. It is what it is. > > > > Instead of enabling bad behavior, I now choose to enable my healing, my freedom and my own self-love uninterrupted. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 5, 2011 Report Share Posted January 5, 2011 It's possible he's just affraid of what to do with the baby by himself or it's possible hes just a jerk. LOL I know that feeling...I think I must have dated that man's older brother or father...LOL After suffering lots of symptoms for my dysfunctional upbringing, I had to learn to change the only thing I could - ME, I also had to learn that I was not a victim but a willing participant because I allowed bad behavior to continue. I wrote the list to remind me over and over again...that I made choices and those choices had consequences and the second list was just to reinforce the good atributes to keep me away from the first list. LOL I post this kind of stuff on facebook all the time. I get so sick of dealing with the aftermath of abuse. Not just in me but seeing what others put up with and the lack of accountability for staying in an unhealthy abusive relationship of any kind - friendship, familial or romantic. No title gives anyone the special key that allows them to trample my boundaries. If people don't behave themselves, I get away or I make them go away as nicely as I can. I read a book once called Raising Teens with Love and Logic. The book works with older kids too. When they come running for rescue, we naturally want to sympathize and rescue but that really just reinforces their helplessness. (Now ya tell me! LOL) So, when my kids come running looking for rescue, instead of diving in with all the experience I have to " fix " them, I start to empathize with them instead of sympathize. I believe if we sympathize with someone we reinforce their weakness. Empathy, on the other hand validates their feelings without taking on the drama yourself. As for the tough situation, biting your tongue and asking what they think they might do to solve their situation. So, in your daughter's case - I would naturally want to dive right in and say, " gosh honey, he sounds like such a jerk, that's horrible, you need to kick him out, tell him off or here, let me watch the baby for you. " The book would advise something like, " wow, I can see why you sound upset about that situation. I might feel the same way. What are you going to do about it? I know that you can figure out the right thing for you to do in this situation. You're a smart and loving woman and I love you. If you want any advice or a suggestion, I might have a few. " When we act more empathic and trusting in their ability to make good decisions on their own, they actually begin to depend less on us for rescue and instead use us as consultants and sounding boards while they figure it out. It takes practice but I swear it works. I use it with my 20 year old and it has totally changed our relationship for the better. On a weird note, this book actually helped me deal with my nada a bit too. Instead of diving in to rescue, I would ask her what she was going to do, let her know that I thought she was creative enough to find a solution for her and that I loved her. If she wanted any suggestions, I might have some. Once I changed my rescuing behavior it was all about vengeance though so it seemed that relationship was beyond the empathic and supportive approach. She only wanted rescue and dumping which I would no longer proved. Oh well, it worked with my kid and my others the approach is really helping out though. That's more important to me now any way. Thanks again for the kind words. I wish you the best. Jaie Thanks Irene. > > I love that first list. It can apply to so many relationships. If I posted it on FB (I won't steal your list) my son inlaw would not see himself in it. My daughter gives and gives to him and all he does is demand more. I'm not saying he's BP but he sure is a selfish, demanding and cruel person. > > That sucks me into either pushing my daughter away when she needs help (because I know my help will also enable lard butt) or giving in. He won't even help take care of his baby son. The other day she wanted to take a long warm bath because she hurt her back. But she couldn't do that without finding a babysitter. That makes me so angry. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 5, 2011 Report Share Posted January 5, 2011 It's possible he's just affraid of what to do with the baby by himself or it's possible hes just a jerk. LOL I know that feeling...I think I must have dated that man's older brother or father...LOL After suffering lots of symptoms for my dysfunctional upbringing, I had to learn to change the only thing I could - ME, I also had to learn that I was not a victim but a willing participant because I allowed bad behavior to continue. I wrote the list to remind me over and over again...that I made choices and those choices had consequences and the second list was just to reinforce the good atributes to keep me away from the first list. LOL I post this kind of stuff on facebook all the time. I get so sick of dealing with the aftermath of abuse. Not just in me but seeing what others put up with and the lack of accountability for staying in an unhealthy abusive relationship of any kind - friendship, familial or romantic. No title gives anyone the special key that allows them to trample my boundaries. If people don't behave themselves, I get away or I make them go away as nicely as I can. I read a book once called Raising Teens with Love and Logic. The book works with older kids too. When they come running for rescue, we naturally want to sympathize and rescue but that really just reinforces their helplessness. (Now ya tell me! LOL) So, when my kids come running looking for rescue, instead of diving in with all the experience I have to " fix " them, I start to empathize with them instead of sympathize. I believe if we sympathize with someone we reinforce their weakness. Empathy, on the other hand validates their feelings without taking on the drama yourself. As for the tough situation, biting your tongue and asking what they think they might do to solve their situation. So, in your daughter's case - I would naturally want to dive right in and say, " gosh honey, he sounds like such a jerk, that's horrible, you need to kick him out, tell him off or here, let me watch the baby for you. " The book would advise something like, " wow, I can see why you sound upset about that situation. I might feel the same way. What are you going to do about it? I know that you can figure out the right thing for you to do in this situation. You're a smart and loving woman and I love you. If you want any advice or a suggestion, I might have a few. " When we act more empathic and trusting in their ability to make good decisions on their own, they actually begin to depend less on us for rescue and instead use us as consultants and sounding boards while they figure it out. It takes practice but I swear it works. I use it with my 20 year old and it has totally changed our relationship for the better. On a weird note, this book actually helped me deal with my nada a bit too. Instead of diving in to rescue, I would ask her what she was going to do, let her know that I thought she was creative enough to find a solution for her and that I loved her. If she wanted any suggestions, I might have some. Once I changed my rescuing behavior it was all about vengeance though so it seemed that relationship was beyond the empathic and supportive approach. She only wanted rescue and dumping which I would no longer proved. Oh well, it worked with my kid and my others the approach is really helping out though. That's more important to me now any way. Thanks again for the kind words. I wish you the best. Jaie Thanks Irene. > > I love that first list. It can apply to so many relationships. If I posted it on FB (I won't steal your list) my son inlaw would not see himself in it. My daughter gives and gives to him and all he does is demand more. I'm not saying he's BP but he sure is a selfish, demanding and cruel person. > > That sucks me into either pushing my daughter away when she needs help (because I know my help will also enable lard butt) or giving in. He won't even help take care of his baby son. The other day she wanted to take a long warm bath because she hurt her back. But she couldn't do that without finding a babysitter. That makes me so angry. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 5, 2011 Report Share Posted January 5, 2011 It's possible he's just affraid of what to do with the baby by himself or it's possible hes just a jerk. LOL I know that feeling...I think I must have dated that man's older brother or father...LOL After suffering lots of symptoms for my dysfunctional upbringing, I had to learn to change the only thing I could - ME, I also had to learn that I was not a victim but a willing participant because I allowed bad behavior to continue. I wrote the list to remind me over and over again...that I made choices and those choices had consequences and the second list was just to reinforce the good atributes to keep me away from the first list. LOL I post this kind of stuff on facebook all the time. I get so sick of dealing with the aftermath of abuse. Not just in me but seeing what others put up with and the lack of accountability for staying in an unhealthy abusive relationship of any kind - friendship, familial or romantic. No title gives anyone the special key that allows them to trample my boundaries. If people don't behave themselves, I get away or I make them go away as nicely as I can. I read a book once called Raising Teens with Love and Logic. The book works with older kids too. When they come running for rescue, we naturally want to sympathize and rescue but that really just reinforces their helplessness. (Now ya tell me! LOL) So, when my kids come running looking for rescue, instead of diving in with all the experience I have to " fix " them, I start to empathize with them instead of sympathize. I believe if we sympathize with someone we reinforce their weakness. Empathy, on the other hand validates their feelings without taking on the drama yourself. As for the tough situation, biting your tongue and asking what they think they might do to solve their situation. So, in your daughter's case - I would naturally want to dive right in and say, " gosh honey, he sounds like such a jerk, that's horrible, you need to kick him out, tell him off or here, let me watch the baby for you. " The book would advise something like, " wow, I can see why you sound upset about that situation. I might feel the same way. What are you going to do about it? I know that you can figure out the right thing for you to do in this situation. You're a smart and loving woman and I love you. If you want any advice or a suggestion, I might have a few. " When we act more empathic and trusting in their ability to make good decisions on their own, they actually begin to depend less on us for rescue and instead use us as consultants and sounding boards while they figure it out. It takes practice but I swear it works. I use it with my 20 year old and it has totally changed our relationship for the better. On a weird note, this book actually helped me deal with my nada a bit too. Instead of diving in to rescue, I would ask her what she was going to do, let her know that I thought she was creative enough to find a solution for her and that I loved her. If she wanted any suggestions, I might have some. Once I changed my rescuing behavior it was all about vengeance though so it seemed that relationship was beyond the empathic and supportive approach. She only wanted rescue and dumping which I would no longer proved. Oh well, it worked with my kid and my others the approach is really helping out though. That's more important to me now any way. Thanks again for the kind words. I wish you the best. Jaie Thanks Irene. > > I love that first list. It can apply to so many relationships. If I posted it on FB (I won't steal your list) my son inlaw would not see himself in it. My daughter gives and gives to him and all he does is demand more. I'm not saying he's BP but he sure is a selfish, demanding and cruel person. > > That sucks me into either pushing my daughter away when she needs help (because I know my help will also enable lard butt) or giving in. He won't even help take care of his baby son. The other day she wanted to take a long warm bath because she hurt her back. But she couldn't do that without finding a babysitter. That makes me so angry. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 5, 2011 Report Share Posted January 5, 2011 That was wonderful and well written Jaie. I too believe every statement you wrote. I like you believe we deserve to be at peace and happy. Most of the time it means giving up toxic relationships. It is was very hard for me to do that and also to stop worring what everyone else thought. Always trying to justify myself to others too. You are doing an amazing job on your healing journey. Kazam x > > Looking back I now very clearly see: > > 1. I chose to attempt to be nada's hero to win her love. > 2. I chose to believe her twisted attempts at assassinating my character and in so doing, I gave her my power. > 3. I chose to avoid conflict and argument by just giving nada what she wanted to a point. > 4. I chose to try to be the dutiful daughter of an abusive and neglecting parent just to be above reproach from her. > 5. I chose to pretend the problem didn't exist. > 6. Through My own insecurity, I believed that I was the problem. > 7. I chose to meet her demands for money and care that she could have and should have provided for herself. > 8. I chose to say yes when in my heart and mind I was screaming no. > 9. I chose to give of myself and my means to someone who would suck the life out of me because I revere motherhood because I am one. > 10. I chose to ignore her bad behavior so I could have some shred of a mother in my life even if she was a bad one. > > She never made me feel anything I didn't allow myself to feel. I was a willing participant until I learned and fully realized that I could make a better choice. I was at fault for my own suffering by not standing up for myself and setting healthy boundaries. When I was little it was her fault. But when I grew up, it was mine for continuing to enable her bad behavior. > > Now I know: > 1. I have the right to say no without engaging in a debate about my no or having to defend it. > 2. I have the right to discontinue any conversation or relationship that makes me feel uncomfortable or in any way raises feelings of violation in me. > 3. I have the right to peace and sanity and healthy relationships with people who respect themselves enough to respect my boundaries. > 4. I have the right to focus on my children without someone making me feel horrible because I'm putting children above a grown adult! > 5. I have the right to pursue happiness in my life without someone critiquing it every step of the way. > 6. I deserve to have relationships with people who are sincere and are not manipulating me just to get something from me. > 7. I have the right to be loved for just being me and not have to earn someone's love by proving I can rescue them or do something of value for them first. > 8. I earn my own money and have the right to spend it on my debts, my children, on my hobbies and my pleasures without someone screaming at me to buy their dentures and quite being a selfish witch with a capital B. > 9. I deserve to have peace and quiet between 1 and 5 am and not be screamed at for not answering the 20 drunken phone calls to insult me. > 10. I have the right to be free from the past that harmed me and that I further allowed to harm me. > 11. I have the right to heal my wounds from my choices without any form of interference from my abuser and if she doesn't like it that's just too da#@ bad! > > I'm a good person, who works hard. I may be judged harshly because I don't have a good relationship with my mother but with everything in me I tried. I just refuse to cater to and take abuse from insane people, regardless of their position in my life. It is what it is. > > Instead of enabling bad behavior, I now choose to enable my healing, my freedom and my own self-love uninterrupted. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 5, 2011 Report Share Posted January 5, 2011 That was wonderful and well written Jaie. I too believe every statement you wrote. I like you believe we deserve to be at peace and happy. Most of the time it means giving up toxic relationships. It is was very hard for me to do that and also to stop worring what everyone else thought. Always trying to justify myself to others too. You are doing an amazing job on your healing journey. Kazam x > > Looking back I now very clearly see: > > 1. I chose to attempt to be nada's hero to win her love. > 2. I chose to believe her twisted attempts at assassinating my character and in so doing, I gave her my power. > 3. I chose to avoid conflict and argument by just giving nada what she wanted to a point. > 4. I chose to try to be the dutiful daughter of an abusive and neglecting parent just to be above reproach from her. > 5. I chose to pretend the problem didn't exist. > 6. Through My own insecurity, I believed that I was the problem. > 7. I chose to meet her demands for money and care that she could have and should have provided for herself. > 8. I chose to say yes when in my heart and mind I was screaming no. > 9. I chose to give of myself and my means to someone who would suck the life out of me because I revere motherhood because I am one. > 10. I chose to ignore her bad behavior so I could have some shred of a mother in my life even if she was a bad one. > > She never made me feel anything I didn't allow myself to feel. I was a willing participant until I learned and fully realized that I could make a better choice. I was at fault for my own suffering by not standing up for myself and setting healthy boundaries. When I was little it was her fault. But when I grew up, it was mine for continuing to enable her bad behavior. > > Now I know: > 1. I have the right to say no without engaging in a debate about my no or having to defend it. > 2. I have the right to discontinue any conversation or relationship that makes me feel uncomfortable or in any way raises feelings of violation in me. > 3. I have the right to peace and sanity and healthy relationships with people who respect themselves enough to respect my boundaries. > 4. I have the right to focus on my children without someone making me feel horrible because I'm putting children above a grown adult! > 5. I have the right to pursue happiness in my life without someone critiquing it every step of the way. > 6. I deserve to have relationships with people who are sincere and are not manipulating me just to get something from me. > 7. I have the right to be loved for just being me and not have to earn someone's love by proving I can rescue them or do something of value for them first. > 8. I earn my own money and have the right to spend it on my debts, my children, on my hobbies and my pleasures without someone screaming at me to buy their dentures and quite being a selfish witch with a capital B. > 9. I deserve to have peace and quiet between 1 and 5 am and not be screamed at for not answering the 20 drunken phone calls to insult me. > 10. I have the right to be free from the past that harmed me and that I further allowed to harm me. > 11. I have the right to heal my wounds from my choices without any form of interference from my abuser and if she doesn't like it that's just too da#@ bad! > > I'm a good person, who works hard. I may be judged harshly because I don't have a good relationship with my mother but with everything in me I tried. I just refuse to cater to and take abuse from insane people, regardless of their position in my life. It is what it is. > > Instead of enabling bad behavior, I now choose to enable my healing, my freedom and my own self-love uninterrupted. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 5, 2011 Report Share Posted January 5, 2011 That was wonderful and well written Jaie. I too believe every statement you wrote. I like you believe we deserve to be at peace and happy. Most of the time it means giving up toxic relationships. It is was very hard for me to do that and also to stop worring what everyone else thought. Always trying to justify myself to others too. You are doing an amazing job on your healing journey. Kazam x > > Looking back I now very clearly see: > > 1. I chose to attempt to be nada's hero to win her love. > 2. I chose to believe her twisted attempts at assassinating my character and in so doing, I gave her my power. > 3. I chose to avoid conflict and argument by just giving nada what she wanted to a point. > 4. I chose to try to be the dutiful daughter of an abusive and neglecting parent just to be above reproach from her. > 5. I chose to pretend the problem didn't exist. > 6. Through My own insecurity, I believed that I was the problem. > 7. I chose to meet her demands for money and care that she could have and should have provided for herself. > 8. I chose to say yes when in my heart and mind I was screaming no. > 9. I chose to give of myself and my means to someone who would suck the life out of me because I revere motherhood because I am one. > 10. I chose to ignore her bad behavior so I could have some shred of a mother in my life even if she was a bad one. > > She never made me feel anything I didn't allow myself to feel. I was a willing participant until I learned and fully realized that I could make a better choice. I was at fault for my own suffering by not standing up for myself and setting healthy boundaries. When I was little it was her fault. But when I grew up, it was mine for continuing to enable her bad behavior. > > Now I know: > 1. I have the right to say no without engaging in a debate about my no or having to defend it. > 2. I have the right to discontinue any conversation or relationship that makes me feel uncomfortable or in any way raises feelings of violation in me. > 3. I have the right to peace and sanity and healthy relationships with people who respect themselves enough to respect my boundaries. > 4. I have the right to focus on my children without someone making me feel horrible because I'm putting children above a grown adult! > 5. I have the right to pursue happiness in my life without someone critiquing it every step of the way. > 6. I deserve to have relationships with people who are sincere and are not manipulating me just to get something from me. > 7. I have the right to be loved for just being me and not have to earn someone's love by proving I can rescue them or do something of value for them first. > 8. I earn my own money and have the right to spend it on my debts, my children, on my hobbies and my pleasures without someone screaming at me to buy their dentures and quite being a selfish witch with a capital B. > 9. I deserve to have peace and quiet between 1 and 5 am and not be screamed at for not answering the 20 drunken phone calls to insult me. > 10. I have the right to be free from the past that harmed me and that I further allowed to harm me. > 11. I have the right to heal my wounds from my choices without any form of interference from my abuser and if she doesn't like it that's just too da#@ bad! > > I'm a good person, who works hard. I may be judged harshly because I don't have a good relationship with my mother but with everything in me I tried. I just refuse to cater to and take abuse from insane people, regardless of their position in my life. It is what it is. > > Instead of enabling bad behavior, I now choose to enable my healing, my freedom and my own self-love uninterrupted. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 5, 2011 Report Share Posted January 5, 2011 Awh, thank you Kazam. The thoughts come first...then repeat them over and over and over. LOL I still struggle sometimes but only when I listen to the lies I tell myself (I'm bad, horrible and awful for going NC with nada). When I have moments of clarity where I do not believe those lies, I am so fine with my decisions. Being happy is something we can choose to do. Getting rid of people too toxic when you are unable to hear their abusive words and know they are lies is what is required. Honestly, I aspire one day to be able to be in the presence of nada and not be affected by her words because I will know, all the way through to my soul, that she lies to herself and so tells me lies about me. We will all get there. We just have to understand how we got here and then figure out how to pull ourselves out. We can all do this. Many blessings to you! Jaie > > That was wonderful and well written Jaie. I too believe every statement you wrote. I like you believe we deserve to be at peace and happy. Most of the time it means giving up toxic relationships. It is was very hard for me to do that and also to stop worring what everyone else thought. Always trying to justify myself to others too. > You are doing an amazing job on your healing journey. > Kazam x > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 5, 2011 Report Share Posted January 5, 2011 Awh, thank you Kazam. The thoughts come first...then repeat them over and over and over. LOL I still struggle sometimes but only when I listen to the lies I tell myself (I'm bad, horrible and awful for going NC with nada). When I have moments of clarity where I do not believe those lies, I am so fine with my decisions. Being happy is something we can choose to do. Getting rid of people too toxic when you are unable to hear their abusive words and know they are lies is what is required. Honestly, I aspire one day to be able to be in the presence of nada and not be affected by her words because I will know, all the way through to my soul, that she lies to herself and so tells me lies about me. We will all get there. We just have to understand how we got here and then figure out how to pull ourselves out. We can all do this. Many blessings to you! Jaie > > That was wonderful and well written Jaie. I too believe every statement you wrote. I like you believe we deserve to be at peace and happy. Most of the time it means giving up toxic relationships. It is was very hard for me to do that and also to stop worring what everyone else thought. Always trying to justify myself to others too. > You are doing an amazing job on your healing journey. > Kazam x > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 5, 2011 Report Share Posted January 5, 2011 Awh, thank you Kazam. The thoughts come first...then repeat them over and over and over. LOL I still struggle sometimes but only when I listen to the lies I tell myself (I'm bad, horrible and awful for going NC with nada). When I have moments of clarity where I do not believe those lies, I am so fine with my decisions. Being happy is something we can choose to do. Getting rid of people too toxic when you are unable to hear their abusive words and know they are lies is what is required. Honestly, I aspire one day to be able to be in the presence of nada and not be affected by her words because I will know, all the way through to my soul, that she lies to herself and so tells me lies about me. We will all get there. We just have to understand how we got here and then figure out how to pull ourselves out. We can all do this. Many blessings to you! Jaie > > That was wonderful and well written Jaie. I too believe every statement you wrote. I like you believe we deserve to be at peace and happy. Most of the time it means giving up toxic relationships. It is was very hard for me to do that and also to stop worring what everyone else thought. Always trying to justify myself to others too. > You are doing an amazing job on your healing journey. > Kazam x > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 5, 2011 Report Share Posted January 5, 2011 I love this list. I love this list. I love, love, love this list. (Did I mention I love this list?) Only one thing: If that bright shining moment when we are no longer a kid and have just become an adult can be defined, both before and after that moment all we have had to teach us anything is the experiences we had in childhood. For however many years, we could not make a different choice because we had no new knowledge to compare and make any different choices FROM. Abusive families tend to isolate themselves from outsiders, and what nada and fada didn't do in that department, we tend to do ourselves because we grew up socialized in such a way that we drove off healthy people and attracted unhealthy people. So it's hard, as a newly minted Adult KO, to acquire the knowledge we needed to make better choices. I know for me it was all of my 20's and most of my 30's before I really even realized all of what had happened and how I had mislearned, and sad to say, I'm still finding more of the mislearning about life today. So to kick ourselves for " letting " the BP abuse us, and " choosing " to allow things to stay the same, etc., seems a bit harsh. It's not like one minute we were clueless children and the next minute, Poof! We were all grown up, and knew how things were supposed to be. We weren't. --. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 5, 2011 Report Share Posted January 5, 2011 Amen ! =) I think we all could stand to be MUCH kinder to ourselves. Mia > > > I love this list. > > I love this list. > > I love, love, love this list. > > (Did I mention I love this list?) > > Only one thing: If that bright shining moment when we are no longer a kid > and have just become an adult can be defined, both before and after that > moment all we have had to teach us anything is the experiences we had in > childhood. For however many years, we could not make a different choice > because we had no new knowledge to compare and make any different choices > FROM. Abusive families tend to isolate themselves from outsiders, and what > nada and fada didn't do in that department, we tend to do ourselves because > we grew up socialized in such a way that we drove off healthy people and > attracted unhealthy people. So it's hard, as a newly minted Adult KO, to > acquire the knowledge we needed to make better choices. I know for me it was > all of my 20's and most of my 30's before I really even realized all of what > had happened and how I had mislearned, and sad to say, I'm still finding > more of the mislearning about life today. > > So to kick ourselves for " letting " the BP abuse us, and " choosing " to allow > things to stay the same, etc., seems a bit harsh. It's not like one minute > we were clueless children and the next minute, Poof! We were all grown up, > and knew how things were supposed to be. We weren't. > > --. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 5, 2011 Report Share Posted January 5, 2011 Amen ! =) I think we all could stand to be MUCH kinder to ourselves. Mia > > > I love this list. > > I love this list. > > I love, love, love this list. > > (Did I mention I love this list?) > > Only one thing: If that bright shining moment when we are no longer a kid > and have just become an adult can be defined, both before and after that > moment all we have had to teach us anything is the experiences we had in > childhood. For however many years, we could not make a different choice > because we had no new knowledge to compare and make any different choices > FROM. Abusive families tend to isolate themselves from outsiders, and what > nada and fada didn't do in that department, we tend to do ourselves because > we grew up socialized in such a way that we drove off healthy people and > attracted unhealthy people. So it's hard, as a newly minted Adult KO, to > acquire the knowledge we needed to make better choices. I know for me it was > all of my 20's and most of my 30's before I really even realized all of what > had happened and how I had mislearned, and sad to say, I'm still finding > more of the mislearning about life today. > > So to kick ourselves for " letting " the BP abuse us, and " choosing " to allow > things to stay the same, etc., seems a bit harsh. It's not like one minute > we were clueless children and the next minute, Poof! We were all grown up, > and knew how things were supposed to be. We weren't. > > --. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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